Real Housewives of Atlanta: Catwalks & Catfights: Heifer VS Moose

Hi Gasmii–

It’s the Season Finale! I thought I would be more excited, since writing double blogs (I also do Melrose Place, which should be way more fun than it is) has wreaked havoc with my social life, other projects, and amount of sexual activity. When Flipit asked me to do MP, he thought there were only two RHOA left, but this season has had a whopping 13 episodes, and that’s not including any Reunion shows or Lost Footage specials!

But now I fear I will miss these selfish crazy bitches (and Kandi), not to mention all of you. So we’ll see what slots (and sluts) become available. My BF Martin is leaving for a month (I’m sorry, Marti, but 24 days is a month) AND I have insomnia, so it might be the perfect storm for me to take on ANOTHER 2nd blog. We’ll see…

OK, you will love this episode, so let’s get naked and smoke!

Purple Door Salon. Sheree arrives to find Dwight and a teeny-tiny “Runway Fashion Stylist” named Christian fussing over a gown-clad model. Dwight tells his little friend to pull something to make something tighter as Sheree marches over to them. “My role for my fashion show,” she interviews, “is to make sure everything goes perfectly.” She says she has a “very clear vision” of the show, but since “I am a designer” (she so isn’t) and unfamiliar with “production”, she accepted Dwight’s offer to help mount the debut of She by Sheree. Dwight starts ordering Christian to pin the gown and then alter it with Sheree right of front of them, but instead of fur flying, Sheree stays oddly silent.

If you need on-the-go accessorizing, he fits right in your purse!

Dwight interviews that Sheree has been “in a daze” all day, and we see footage of her with sunglasses on indoors, staring into space. “I just took control over her show,” Dwight tells us. Sheree interviews that the show’s in three days, and she’s expecting “press, buyers, critics, friends… the Who’s Who in Atlanta!” So she’s pretty nervous, which she apparently internalizes instead of ramping up the cuntiness like we all would have predicted under oath.

Dwight interviews that “last year was a fashion show without fashions”, referring to S’s infamous gala for which she substituted sketches hung on walls for the clothing samples she, fueled by then-BFF Kim, decided she hated at the last minute. But having actual clothes look right on live runway models is “a whole nother level” Dwight advises us.

The model puts on sportswear separates and Dwight says the look is “not exciting” and needs to be dressed up with lots of bling. Sheree half-heartedly argues that she doesn’t mind a little “jewry” but they ARE selling the clothes. Dwight says the press will be bored to death by this outfit– trust him. Sheree wanders off to take a call about sports tickets as Dwight stares pissily at her. “I’m creating the story… she hasn’t given me anything,” Dwight tells the Style Munchkin. “Her imagination is not connecting.” That’s one way to put it. After she hangs up, Dwight tells Sheree they need to “wrap this up”– he’s getting “fustrated” and “you don’t wanna see this side of Dwight”. Maybe he’ll transform into a pink Gay Hulk in cut-off low-rise jeans!

Lisa & Ed‘s tract mansion. Cuddly Ed is surfing the web and taking notes, hopefully from a Google search for “Leia LaBiblia”. Lisa appears with a glass of white wine for him. He says he wants to talk to her about “restructuring”. Lisa interviews that Ed used to pull down $3 million large playing football, but since he recently retired, I have a feeling budget cuts might be in order. Ed tells her he loves their house, but it costs $200K to live there and he doesn’t want to have to tap into their savings. Lisa tells him she can contribute financially, but he thinks “the responsible thing to do, especially in this economy” is to downsize.

Ed wearing fewer clothes would cut down on both shopping bills and laundry expenses.

Lisa seems rather alarmed and says she’s happy to let him “be the man” and make big decisions, but “Where are we moving to?” Lisa explains to us that Ed’s thinking of moving into another one of their houses, the one he had before they ruined my life got married. Ed says they can renovate the place and “restock the lake” (dios mio) and Lisa adds that they need to install a pool. Lisa interviews that she’ll consider this– “I want to be wealthy. I want to stay wealthy,” and that equals not living beyond their means. “My home isn’t the house, my home is my family,” Ed tells her. He is so fucking sweet!

NeNe‘s tract mansion. NeNe sits down Gregg (Mr NeNe) for an important chat. He knew she was going to her hometown of Athens, GA, she narrates over FLASHCUTS from last episode, but Gregg didn’t know she was meeting her alleged birth father, Alan, who, you may remember, bore an uncanny resemblance to NeNe’s eldest, Bricen… unfortunately for Brice. NeNe’s much cuter ten-year-old Brentt listens in as she recounts the story of meeting Alan. Gregg grunts and hangs his head at the mention of the allegedly-deadbeat dad.

NeNe tells Brentt who Alan allegedly is. NeNe tells Gregg he doesn’t understand not knowing who your parent is and that she was happy to meet Alan. NeNe thinks the visual evidence was so strong, she doesn’t even need a DNA test to prove Alan fathered her. “My job is to protect you,” Gregg says, a task he doesn’t “take lightly AT ALL.” Gregg is not willing to just accept people “popping out of the sky” claiming to be NeNe’s family. “It will be a fight with me,” Gregg gravely intones. NeNe bristles– this makes her feel like Gregg’s not supporting her. “What do you want me to say? Oh go get in the car, fly down the expressway and get your heart broken?” Gregg asks.

Meanwhile, NeNe’s bra budget takes an unfortunately serious hit.

NeNe says she didn’t go to Athens for heartbreak, but Gregg says she had no idea what she was getting into. NeNe says it’s not like she was giving Alan money or even taking him out to eat– “I know he has issues.” “I heard he’s a nut,” scoffs Gregg. “Seriously, support me,” NeNe replies, getting a bit upset. If Alan’s her dad, she’d like to get to know him and maybe have him visit her in Atlanta. Gregg hasn’t even met Alan. “I don’t wanna meet him,” Gregg tells her. “You trying to make it real difficult for me, and that’s not necessary,” NeNe shoots back. NeNe gets up, her large breasts battened down in a strapless halter blouse. This conversation won’t be finished until Gregg says he’ll support her, NeNe warns him. NeNe: I’m not playin. Gregg: Nor am I. NeNe begins to weep.

Cut to another day (or another wardrobe change at least). Lisa drops in and NeNe tells her about N’s “disagreement” with Gregg. NeNe says Gregg made her cry and refuses to support a relationship between NeNe and Alan. Gregg wants to know why, after all these years, is Alan suddenly in the picture? NeNe thinks Gregg’s afraid she’ll start paying Alan’s bills, which she tells Lisa she won’t be. Gregg would prefer NeNe not even speak to Alan. “But I’m gonna sneak and call him every now and then,” NeNe confides. Lisa thinks that’s a bad idea– Gregg will see NeNe as a lying secret-keeper. Lisa thinks Gregg just needs time, but NeNe says he doesn’t get it, since he grew up in a stable home with biological parents. Lisa admits she doesn’t know what NeNe’s going through either.

“I’ve been betrayed all of my life by people,” NeNe interviews. The DNA test last year was “very shocking” and she’s still stunned at the family-wide conspiracy to keep the truth from her. Without Gregg’s support, NeNe says she’s “emotional and all over the place”, such a switch from her usual state of blissed-out calm.

“So AJ… anyone here besides me and Kandi that you HAVEN’T fathered?”

Kandi‘s house. It’s Mother’s Day and Kandi’s hosting an afternoon party for mom Joyce with a luscious-looking key lime cake big enough to feed all of fiance AJ‘s baby-mamas. Joyce glumly picks at her cake as AJ tells the assembled moms and grandmas how much he and Kandi appreciate them. Joyce eyes Kandi accepting a framed handwritten poem from AJ’s husky son Dre. Kandi interviews that she loves hosting family get-togethers, but is worried about Joyce “being nice”.

Joyce asks AJ if she can “have a word with” him, and they go into another room. Joyce tells him she knows she and he got off to a bad start, and that she’s said nasty things about him, but she’s hoping they can make a new start. Today was great, and Joyce could see how much effort he went to to make Kandi happy. They share their first warm on-camera moment, and she even hugs and kisses him. I’m glad, because if she told him again that she thought he was an impregnating maniac out to bleed Kandi dry, she’d feel really bad watching this now that he’s dead.

Joyce interviews that even though the “kids thing” still bothers her, she likes that AJ seems committed to letting Kandi “be herself”. AJ can’t wait to tell Kandi about his detente with Joyce. Kandi is pleasantly stunned, interviewing that this was “a major step” for them and Joyce. She gives her doomed soon-to-be-ex-fiance a happy hug as I tear up a little.



Kim’s townhouse. Kim’s Gay, Stylist Dean Pardue, arrives. He’s got “a lot of good things to show” her and she’s “got a lot of good shit to tell” him, so Kim’s already poured them each a goblet of wine even though, as she admits, it’s “11 AM in the morning”. Kim leads Dean past the nude glamour self-portrait into her boudoir, interviewing that Dean’s much more to her than a mere fashion attendant– his honesty makes him the perfect confidante to help Kim “sift through the garbage”.

I’m not saying Kim’s an alcoholic, but that lamp is full of Freixenet.

But first they have to sift through the bags and bags of stuff Dean brought with him. Kim’s “a tank-top freak” as well as “a leather freak”, so she has plenty to be excited about, except she’s afraid her “kahunas would hang out” of the cute little dress. “That’s the point,” Dean drawls. Kim says she “doesn’t need sexy stuff anymore” because she “got engaged”. Dean coos over her tumor-size diamond. Kim catches him up: Sheree’s having her fashion show, Lisa had her fashion show (Kim: I heard it was a total flop… she just doesn’t have taste anyway, in clothes.) OMFG– Stop the presses! My BF Martin just sent me a link to the Kim Britney Spears Commando Car Seat photo… and it’s a coozy doozy! Holy shit, Gasmii. Go to x17online dot com and search for “Kim Zolciak”! Let’s just say the bare floor matches the lack of draperies.

Now back to the show. Dean sniffs that while everyone wants to be a fashion designer lately, “I’ve yet to see one of them sit down and sew.” Amen, sistah. “I really hope Sheree does well,” Kim babbles, “because Sheree, last year, you know, her show, y’know, closed, and she was so upset, so Sheree and I are past our stuff and I’m really happy for her and I hope– I’m sure she’ll put on a good show.” OK, Sheree’s show did not “close”. Xanadu on Broadway closed. Sheree never had a show. But who cares. Kim’s “really happy” for the bitch who tried to snatch her wig off and tells Dean she doesn’t want to “take anything away” from Sheree, which I guess means don’t dress Kim too hot.

Kim shows Dean the admittedly fab sequined Louboutin pumps she wants to wear, then says she’s going to Atlantic Station for a pair of jeans, “capri-ish” to show off the shoes. Dean advises a nice dark denim. Kim mentions that NeNe wants to meet with her, and tells Dean that NeNe wants to be on her song “Tardy for the Party”(hasn’t that ship already sailed?!) and said that Kim couldn’t sell any records without N. Kim is disgusted that NeNe would “try to downplay me”, and mentions that NeNe & Kandi “do not get along”. Cue a FLASHCUT of NeNe gettin’ all up in Kandi’s grille at the Independence Party. Kim tells Dean recording the song was one of the hardest yet proudest moments in Kim’s life and she doesn’t want to share it.

“Yeah… if Cinderella had huge tits and chlamydia.”

Dean says maybe NeNe can do backing vocals, and Kim says that was Kandi’s idea, but Kandi is doing them now. Dean thinks Kandi is “so amazing and has a good spirit” and that this is all about Kim. Kim says NeNe is making this all about money– it’s “a business deal” to NeNe and that’s not how an artist like Kim rolls. Dean says “karma” is the reason NeNe shouldn’t be involved. Kim says she has to confront NeNe and tell her she’s “not gonna be on the album”. Kim doesn’t know what will happen.

Ed’s Ex-Bachelor Pad. Lisa & Ed take a drive to Ed’s old house, which he still owns. It’s a perfectly impressive looking big house on lots of land (nine acres) that should be more than enough for them, Baby EJ, and another one to three babies. Lisa says they can put up iron gates and add a circular driveway. They walk into the place and it’s full of furniture and boxes Ed stores there. Ed says they’ll deal with everything and make sure there’s adequate closet space. They’ll also add a guest house with a built-in gym. Lisa says she’s “a city girl” and “needs some cement” out back, so she suggests a walkway to the future patio and pool. “Downsizing to us” still means living in a “multi-million-dollar” home, Lisa clarifies via interview. I’m only getting seven cents a word for this recap, so shut up before I steal your husband.

Dwight’s house/Kim’s townhouse. NeNe visits Dwight at his pleasant but modest home. He’s super-busy with Sheree’s show, but of course has time for NeNe. After they’re ensconced in over-the-top Indonesian thrones in the sitting room, Dwight asks “what’s up with the bitches?” NeNe: It’s Kim. Dwight: Not her again. NeNe says she’s “really gettin upset” about this– she just saw Kim at Bow Wow’s mom‘s boutique”. Intercut Kandi at Kim’s place getting an earful of the same tragically off-camera story: Kim says she was out shopping when she ran into NeNe, who wanted to have a word. “She was SCREAMING… I couldn’t even get a word in,” Kim says.

Let’s pray to God she didn’t damage her singing voice.

NeNe tells Dwight they started “yellin at each other” when NeNe brought up Kim axing her from the “Tardy” sessions. “When people betray me, I instantly go off,” NeNe interviews. “I think betrayal is wrong. Like, just tell me what the deal is.” NeNe tells Dwight they were pointing fingers in each other’s face, and Kim “slapped my hand away… she said get your fuckin hand out my face, bitch!” Dwight is aghast that Kim would dare touch NeNe. “You know I went bananas!” NeNe says, interviewing that “when she hit me, my instincts were to protect myself. End of discussion.”

Kim tells her version to Kandi: “I said get your finger outta my face and she came in and put both her hands around my neck and pushed me into the thing and was like choking me,” Kim says, acting it out on the couch. “On a scale of one to ten, Kim and I’s disagreement was a ten,” NeNe interviews. “We’ve had some sevens and some eights and some nines, but this time, it was a ten.” WHERE WAS THE FUCKING BRAVO CREW?!! This is the biggest reality show blunder since fascist gay nudist Richard Hatch declined to pay taxes on a million bucks. Lawd have mercy.

“Then she let me go,” Kim continues to a rapt Kandi, ” and she got her finger back in my face and that’s when I went BAM, get your finger outta my fuckin face and she came at me again and choked me.” Kandi asks what Kim did then. “She’s a fuckin moose, I didn’t know what to do!” Kim exclaims, then says people came in and broke it up. Kandi interviews that she’s seen “first-hand how NeNe can get loud and irate for no damn reason” but couldn’t understand what Kim could have possibly done to warrant a public throttling.

“While you’re down there, pick your titties up offa the floor.”

“I’ve been in an abusive relationship for years,” Kim declares to Dwight, her grammar issues making it seem like Gregg is a wife-beater. “I’m not about to let ANYONE put their hands on me. You do not hit NeNe Leakes, you understand me?! That’s WRONG!” “And you lost your mind?” Dwight prompts. “I just let her know you won’t be touchin me again, I betchoo dat.” Kim tells Kandi “I called the police… she’s lucky she’s not in jail.” Kandi physically recoils from the reconstituted drama. NeNe tells Dwight “I believe she needs to sit down with a Personality Disorder Specialist.” “I’m not even a fuckin doctor, but I’ve already diagnosed her,” NeNe tells us. “If somebody brings out the worst in you, you shouldn’t even be around’em. I feel very betrayed by her. We don’t have anything to work out. We’re not gonna be friends, EVER.”

Kim basically parrots the same spiel to Kandi: Kim doesn’t want to be around anyone who creates “this constant conflict”. “I don’t care how bad it is– there are times when I wanna choke people, too,” Kim interviews in perhaps her tittiest top yet, “but you just don’t.” Cut to Dwight, who asks NeNe “You didn’t hit her, did you?” NeNe emits a smug chuckle and guzzles champagne as Dwight gawps.

W Perimeter Hotel. It’s finally Fashion Show Day for She by Sheree. Dwight is full Party Nazi mode, dishing out commands left and right to W Event Liaisons Allison and Glenn and their unfortunate staff. Sheree interviews the same tired blahbbity-blah about how high the stakes are for her this time, since at her last fashion show, “I was unable to produce fashion.” LOL. In the auditorium, workers install a huge flat-screen TV at the back of the runway. “I don’t like that. That’s horrible,” Dwight snips. He wants a “clean and fresh and white” pristine runway, dammit.

…is for Wench.

A seamstress will work with Style Munchkin Christian in the changing room to ensure the garments will be “absolutely flawless”. When will the lights be finished? An hour? Not good enough. Dwight calls in a make-up artist, reviews the seating chart, and evaluates models’ walks. And where is “Atlanta‘s #1 designer” during all this? Oh, wait. Here she comes, even spacier than before in a wrinkled white blouse and ridonkulously baggy gangstress slacks. Sheree interviews that she’s “definitely nervous about allowing other people to create my vision.” Cut to Dwight telling a stylist to add “as many fur pieces as you can fit in” to give an outfit “some excitement.” Cut to Sheree telling us she doesn’t think “things need to be over-the-top to sell a line– I think you can dress things as you would in normal life.” Never mind the fact that Sheree hasn’t had a normal life since she spread her legs to her first professional athlete– as the former face and ass of Jesus Jeans, I take offense at her referring to models as “things”!

“I prefer to overkill than underkill,” Dwight tells Fashion Sprite Christian. “This is not a church convention, so we’re not showing church collections.” Sheree interviews that she doesn’t think you need to “over-accessorize”. Cut to Dwight at the jewelry table making sure the helpers know what he has in mind. “I know Sheree don’t even have a clue when it came to puttin together the production end of it,” Dwight tells us. “Let me show you all how to really shut it down.” I think that’s Urban for “raise the roof”. Either that, or Dwight’ s going to plant cocaine in Sheree’s purse then call the police.

Sheree excuses herself from her ladies’ room fitting to take a call in the toilet cubicle. Her Gay, hairdresser Lawrence, is running late because he has a 5:00 appointment! Sheree is understandably upset that he booked clients so close to her big event. She has to go downtown to get her hair done. Dwight tells her she doesn’t have time for that, and the show is starting at 8:15 whether she’s back or not. Oh, no, it isn’t, Sheree says. “This is my baby.” Dwight warns her they can’t keep “our guests waiting”. Sheree assures him she’ll be back on time, then exits with a bitchy “Buh-bye! Tryin to do me, I don’t thank so!” RE: Dwight to S’s friend. Dwight says nothing.

Speaking of wenches, how long IS the Renaissance Fair in town?

Kim’s townhouse. Kim tells us “I called NeNe after the whole incident. Tonight is Sheree’s fashion show and I need to know we can be in the same room together. I need to understand why she got physical with me.” And the producers need it to happen again, this time on-camera. “I’m coming over to Kim’s house to discuss– I don’t even fuckin know what we’re discussing,” NeNe interviews, on serious edge, “but I’m goin over to Kim’s house to discuss something she wants to discuss. I don’t know– this bitch is stupid. Eeeuew.” LOL.

Kim lets Nene in, interviewing that “in the back of my mind, I wanted to think NeNe had some remorse. I don’t care what she thinks I said, what she thinks I did, you put your hands on me. And if you can go to bed at night and not have some kinda remorse and know that you violated me, you got a problem.” NeNe tells Kim she’s “not here to discuss the details of what happened the other day”, she just wants to figure out how they can “respect each other’s space.” “But it’s a rollercoaster ride, for you and for I,” Kim says, breaking out the fancy talk. “There’s a reason why you got so angry with me. And it got physical.”

NeNe says her problem is that Kim feels she’s “innocent, and that blows me away.” Kim denies thinking she’s innocent, but NeNe has a “wrong perception of who I am.” NeNe says she didn’t just meet Kim– “I been knowing you for quite some time.” Kim replies that “at the end of the day, it’s all about your morals and values.” NeNe replies that someone with morals and values would value the friendship they used to have. Over FLASHCUTS from this entire season, NeNe interviews that she tried “so hard to make amends with Kim– I even talked to her after she called my husband a broke-ass, I asked her to come and do an alter-ego photo shoot, I tried to get back in friends with the girls again, I even introduced her to Kandi, and Kim turns around and stabs me IN MY BACK over and over again. I am so over it. I’m over you!”

HEIFER & THE MOOSE: A LOVE STORY

Kim says “what kills” her is NeNe putting her hands on Kim without provocation. NeNe can’t believe Kim thinks Kim didn’t put her own hands on NeNe. So much for not rehashing those details. Kim says she’d “NEVER, ever put my hands on somebody.” “Oh, really!?” NeNe screams, then offers this up via interview: “Is your wig squeezing your brain too tight, heifer?! You put your hands on ME!” Kim says she only pushed NeNe’s hand away because it was in Kim’s face, then says NeNe should listen to herself yelling right now, which is NeNe’s default position whenever there’s a conflict. Kim interviews that she can’t believe NeNe expects her to forget the attempted strangulation the way one would forgive someone for calling one a bitch. Or a heifer. Or a dirty, low-down monkey with a wig on. NeNe, getting more riled by the minute, says she is not gonna sit here and listen TO A LIE! They squabble for a minute about who touched who, then NeNe abruptly walks out.

“Bitch, please!” NeNe interviews. “Don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, you and your wig, get outta my life!” Kim tells us that she has “a pretty forgiving heart, but when you reach out and put your hands on me, you’ve forever crossed the line. For me, it severed the connection and the friendship. It’s over. Have a nice life.”

Throwaway Minute du Jour: Georgia Aquarium. Kandi, six-year-old daughter Riley, and AJ arrive to meet with event planner Big Gay Al Will. As he shows them the Grand Ballroom, Kandi interviews that the Aquarium is the world’s largest and a “really nice” potential spot for their wedding reception, even though Kandi jokes that the guests “might be more mesmerized by the fish” than the nuptials. It seems weird that the editors would select this light-hearted clip as TMDJ considering that not only did the wedding not happen, AJ’s now sleeping with the fishes.

NeNe prepares to back-hand someone’s talented break-out-favorite ghetto ass…

W Perimeter Hotel. Dwight convinces Sheree to blow off Lawrence and his appointment book and let Dwight’s beauty team do her hair. “We got pieces here,” he assures her, when she says Lawrence has one at his salon he was going to use to amplify Sheree’s do. Sheree submits to a new hair guy while Dwight fusses over last-minute details. Guests start to arrive, including Lisa in a shimmering silver sheath and Ed in a sharp grey suit. “Sheree arrived two hours late to my fashion show. She wasn’t really, you know, appropriately dressed… I feel like dressing up to her show and giving her respect is like, you know, being the bigger person,” Lisa interviews. It is!

Kandi & AJ arrive in their SUV, followed by NeNe & Gregg in a chauffered Town Car. “Listen, I understand squashing a beef and movin on,” NeNe tells us, “but I’m over Kim Zolciak. I would rather pluck every toenail from my toe one by one and then stick’em in a pair of sandals and walk down the street with them bleeding than be friends with Kim.” I love that she’s more worried about the way her feet would look than the agonizing pain. But that’s why she’s a reality TV star and we’re not.

And here comes Kim and BFF Cori in Kim’s Bentley convertible. Kim interviews that she’s going to stay away from NeNe and her “anger, violence and aggression” tonight. Upstairs, Sheree is ready to put on her clothes and come down. In the reception area, NeNe meets up with Kandi. NeNe interviews that she’s been wanting to talk to her since “the big blow-up” at the Independence Party. NeNe tells Kandi how upset NeNe was after leaving the party, and Kandi quickly says she was, too. Then NeNe, throwing and wearing massive shade(s), tells Kandi “I really felt like you owe me an apology.” Kandi makes a hilarious “Did you actually say that?!” face. Kandi tells us that if NeNe really thinks Kandi owes her an apology, “good thing she don’t get paid for thinkin.” LMFAO! Kandi rules.

“OK, for real… you can come out now, Ashton Kutcher.”

NeNe prissily informs Kandi that it was very upsetting for Kandi to say that NeNe had been talking about her, “and that’s not been the case.” So Kandi should apologize, since NeNe hasn’t said anything about her. “Bitch, please” yourself, NeNe! Why oh why are they not splicing in flashcuts of NeNe talking trash about Kandi?! Kandi says “that conversation” should have ended back at the party, but NeNe kept blathering on about it. “NeNe wants to come at me with this whole drama,” Kandi tells us, “and I don’t have time for that. She need to keep that with Kim! It all goes back to “Tardy for the Party” anyway, and I DON’T CARE… so don’t come to me with that.”

NeNe will not let this die. She is truly insane. “Let’s just make it clear. I don’t talk about you,” she tells Kandi. Okay, fine, Kandi nods, smiling agreeably. But even that’s not enough. Now NeNe wants to know who told Kandi NeNe was talking about her. I don’t know about you, but if I wanted to hear this kind of annoying bullshit, I would have gone into elementary education instead of recap artistry. Kandi begs her to drop it– “this is another dumb argument.” Oh, I have no intention of arguing with you, NeNe shoots back insanely, so Kandi says great, bye, peace out. She walks off as NeNe viciously flashes her a peace sign.

NeNe interviews that she has no interest in being friends with people who talk about her, and has been “trying to clear myself of people who are really not friends because this just pulls your energy down. Like Kim.” Cue NeNe heading in the other direction to avoid Kim joining AJ & Kandi. Kandi says she doesn’t drink– she has “a mean streak” that wouldn’t mix well with alcohol. Kim says she has that streak “in me, but that fuckin moose could stick her big fat foot up and step on me so I just kinda walk away… She choked me. Me? I walked away. But how many times can I walk away?” Sounding more than a bit drunk, Kim keeps babbling: “I just don’t like negative energy, like– fuck it! Flap your jaws, talk about me all day long, have a nice night, I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette and pray you get it together at some point. Which’ll never fuckin happen.” Kim excuses herself to go have that cigarette, and says she’ll be back if “that moose comes over here”. “Whatchoo gonna do?” Kandi asks sassily.

Kim pulls off her glittery pump and says she’ll “take this shit and pop [NeNe] in the fuckin eye cuz I’m sicka her!” She tells AJ he’s lucky to have “a sober girl” and says Pig Boppa wishes he had one, too.

“Can you get eyeball goo outta sequins?”

It’s time for the show so everyone’s shown to their seats. The Housewives are all up in front, NeNe & Lisa a short distance away from Kandi & Kim. “I could feel NeNe’s eyes burning into me,” Kim tell us. NeNe interviews that “Kim doesn’t even deserve the energy that it takes to look or breathe in her direction.” Sheree arrives backstage, where Dwight is imperiously trying to clear any extraneous personnel. Sheree interviews that she wants people to love the clothes “and respect me as a designer”. Sure, sweets. And people in hell want ice water. “My success is hinging on the next fifteen minutes. It could be a complete disaster for me.”

The fashion show starts. I am not going to bore you with my Nina Garcia impression– I don’t really know if Lisa & Sheree are trying to capture the same market, but Sheree’s stuff seems more upscale and glam. Whether or not the line has any cohesion, or is the slightest bit innovative, or will make one iota of impact on the fashion world is open for debate. I’m thinking not so much. The point here is the Housewives, and they’re not really reacting, except for a few bigger-person positive words from Lisa. The showstopper looks like the model shoved a glue-covered arm into a bin of gumball-sized metallic baubles up to her neck and is quite a hoot.

The crowd goes wild and Sheree & Dwight share a warm moment backstage: Does the bitch know what he doing? Dwight asks her. Oh, yes, the bitch sure do, Sheree agrees. Sheree gets a standing ovation and Dwight joins her onstage for a peck on the cheek. Sheree tells us that everything she’s gone through to get to this point has been worth it. “I can’t even describe how beautiful it was… how pleased I was. From top to bottom.” Nice of her to include Dwight. “I gotta pat myself on the back,” she cracks, then actually does it. She is a fashion supernova and will really be a giant pain in the ass now. And by the way, why isn’t her daughter Kaleigh here tonight? Doesn’t this seem like the kind of thing they could share together? Did Sheree lose custody of her kids? I’m sure it’s partly the editing, but the only time Sheree even mentioned her children this season is when she needed to use Kairo‘s recital as an excuse to blow off Lisa’s show.

“Congrazhulationz. You are ze vinner of zis Challenzhe.”

Backstage, Lisa tells Dwight the show was “nice”. But Lisa’s Gay, stylist Tracy Sipp, confronts him, reminding Dwight he said Lisa’s show “wasn’t cohesive… You thought THAT was cohesive?” “It told a story,” Dwight replies. Lisa interviews that “critiquing the line, I would say they weren’t cohesive, I would say she was showing winter, fall, spring, summer… there were a lot of different things thrown in there that I’m like, you know [EEEUW FACE].” Lisa goes on to say that their shows reflected their personalities– Lisa is “artsy and fun” and Sheree is “stuffy and cold”. Among other things, girl!

Kim tells us she’s forgotten about her feud with Sheree– when Sheree came down the catwalk at the end of the show tonight, Kim knew how proud Sheree was because Kim felt the same way when she finished “Tardy for the Party”. Kim tells Sheree she especially liked the silver jumpsuit and the see-through top (big surprise), which Kim would gladly display nipple in. NeNe & Kandi give Sheree strokes and hugs. Lawrence the Hairdresser shows up with a shaved head, blond-streaked bangs encased in a giant tulle boa. He assures Sheree he got there in time for the show.

“This is for all the haters, all the naysayers, all the people who didn’t think this fashion show was gonna be a huge success,” Sheree interviews. “As we say in the South, and as my grandma would say, Bless Yo Heart.”

The updates start under Kandi’s single “I Fly Above”:

“She by Sheree was presented during Fashion Week in NYC. Sheree is now producing her own line of exercise videos.” Shrink That Fat Ass by Sheree? “She continues to build her empire.” On the blood, sweat of tears of other people’s talent.

“Closet Freak will be in upscale stores this spring. Lisa & Ed are co-writing a relationship book.” He’s Way Too Good For You? “They are still not pregnant, but having fun trying.” Stop rubbing it in!

“Kandi & AJ broke off their engagement. Not long after, AJ passed away unexpectedly. Kandi has thrown herself into her work. Her new album is about to drop.” Kandi, we adore you!

“‘Tardy for the Party’ hit #3 on iTunes’ dance chart. Kim is looking for her next one-hit wonder.” I know what they were going for here, but that should have said “Kim has decided to become a two-hit wonder.” “Pig Boppa has yet to set a wedding date… or get a divorce.”

NeNe tells us she hopes “Kim & Kandi and ‘Tardy for the Party’ jump in the fuckin river and drown.”

“NeNe has not pursued proof of her paternity any further. She is on tour promoting her book Never Make the Same Mistake Twice.” Alternate Title: Close Yo Legs To Married Men! “She is still a gay magnet everywhere she goes.”

THE END

I’ll save the hasta la vistas, since there’s bound to be at least one Reunion show in the next week or so, and we’ll definitely have to analyze that shit frame-by-frame.

Besos mojados,

LLB