Real Housewives of Atlanta: Reunion Part One: Shit-Chat

Hi Gasmii–

I’ll let Bravo executive spokesmodel Miss Thing Andy Cohen open us up today in classic overwrought style: “After a season of controversy and betrayal, surprising new alliances, shocking twists of fate, boys in high heels and a one-hit wonder, Part One starts tonight!” But don’t get too excited. Up until the last few minutes, it’s kinda snoozy.

If you don’t live in Southern California, skip down to the recap. But if you do, you’re in for a huge treat. The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center presents their outrageous live game show parody The Mis-Match Game, in which some of the funniest and most twisted local performers impersonate a celebrity panel trying to match contestants for semi-valuable prizes. This Saturday, November 7, the special guest star is Julie Brown! No, not the plastic surgery casualty ex-VJ, the white talented one! I have been a crazed Julie Brown fan since her novelty record “The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun” came out when I was in junior high, and I especially love her playfully vicious Madonna Truth Or Dare spoof Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful.

Hold onto your weaves: Julie will be playing Kim Zolciak from RHOA! The promo materials for the show state that she’s playing Paula Abdul, but my boyfriend’s her assistant’s brother, and I have it confirmed that since Julie is obsessed with RHOA, she’s switchin’ it up and doing Kim. Google The Mis-Match Game at the Renberg Theatre, which is near Santa Monica & Highland in Hollywood and be there Saturday night at 8 PM. It’s a benefit for the Center’s Cultural Arts Program. Maybe I’ll get chosen to be a contestant. Or maybe YOU will!

Miss Thing welcomes the assembled Housewives and us to the “home of the hottest parties in town, Atlanta‘s historic Opera nightclub”. He says it’s exciting “and a little scary” to have all five Wives together in one room. Kandi has already had enough of Miss Thing’s tired, passive-aggressive hype and asks him what’s so scary about it. “It’s been such a drama-filled season!” MT lisps, apparently unwilling to just come out and say that NeNe, Kim and Sheree are all quite capable of physically assaulting him.

In the wide shot, it looks like Sheree has a huge bruise halfway up her calf. Maybe it’s a tattoo, but it’s more likely one of the “boys”, her Gay Lawrence, snapped and kicked her hard with his high heel for selling him out before the She by Sheree show in the season finale last week. Miss Thing’s first order of bidness– new hair. NeNe’s is short and dark and sassy on one side, with highlighted bangs flipping over the other side of her forehead. MT also comments on Lisa‘s Farrah Fawcett do and asks if she’s wearing her clothing line, Closet Freak. Of course, Lisa chirps, as Sheree rolls her eyes. Sheree says she’s NOT wearing HER line– “you guys brought in a stylist so I’m wearing Dolce & Gabbana.” (BTW, it’s a tatt.)

Miss Thing welcomes Kandi, who’s “been through a horrible few weeks.” Kandi admits it’s been “crazy”, and says she’s okay and trying to stay as busy as possible. MT promises to keep her very busy. Kim says she’s wearing “the prototype” for her wig line, and tells MT she won’t be tossing this one in the trash after tonight. It’s human hair, not one of her disposable synthetics. MT starts the clips rolling with Sheree, who’s the “ultimate juxtaposition– a classy bad-ass.” Sheree preens at this label and we go into her package:

Sheree tells us what an independent, upscale, elegant, grown-ass woman she is, as she poses for her giant portrait, mixes it up with Kim, Dwight and…

…Anthony the party-planner…

…and fires a pistol.

Miss Thing wants to know who “Pookie and them” are, referring to the people “a girl from Cleveland” calls when she wants to order up an ass-whuppin. Sheree says this is a “figure of speech” and could mean a brother, cousin, or thuggy friend. MT asks if Sheree has “a Pookie” in her cell phone, and she says “I’m sure I could find a couple Pookies”. MT asks if the frequent appearances of her inner Cleveland girl were a result of Sheree “becoming more comfortable” this season. Comfortable, psychotic, same diff. Sheree explains that she felt she “was being challenged and taken to a place where I don’t like to go.” Yes, the real world is a much colder, uglier place than the one in your head where you’re “Atlanta’s #1 fashion designer”.

Miss Thing wants to know Sheree’s reaction to the Anthony screaming-match clip. Sheree feels that she “stood up” and “did what I had to do.” After all, the officially hetero evil party-planning queen “talked about my mom” and was “really unprofessional”. MT says they have many, many viewer questions”, and starts with Josh From San Diego: Did Sheree’s behavior as a mother this season set a “respectful, responsible” example for her kids? Sheree says her kids are “great” and know what a “strong” mother they have. She hopes that when they’re “challenged” or put in an “uncomfortable situation”, they’ll stand up for themselves. I wish I could be a roach on the wall of the classroom when Kaleigh or Kairo tell their teacher:

“Who gone make me, Boo?!”

Since NeNe has known Sheree for eight years, MT wants to know who’s the real Sheree, last season or this season? NeNe would say it’s a combo of both, heavy on Season 2. So S is a megabitch. Just as we suspected! Sheree reiterates that she will not be “disrespected”. Viewer Krista P would like MT to “address Sheree’s narcissism: why is she always throwing parties for herself? “Because I love myself– why not?!” Sheree says. “Next?” Someone else wants to know why Sheree commissioned such an enormous portrait of herself– “It looked like She-zilla by Sheree.” Sheree thinks “it looked fabulous and everyone else loved it.” Philip From Seattle asks when Sheree last had a date “and good sex”. Sheree says she IS casually dating now but the good sex is “nunna yo business!”

Kate Arthur from The Daily Beast has a theory: Sheree is a lesbian. After all, she banned men from her Independence Party and seemed to light up when her bitchy ex-model pal Tania performed a pole-dance there. “Kate Arthur, get a life!” Sheree snips. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, Miss Thing quickly clarifies. Oh, heavens no, Sheree agrees, but “I’m okay with who I am and I’m comfortable with my sexuality and I like MEN!…”

“…Sorry, Kate.”

MT says Kim referred to herself as “a conversation piece” and that Kim’s her own biggest fan. Cue the clips:

Kim is “amazing, honest, loyal, classy, sexy, good-lookin” and all her friends want to be her, a big beautiful Barbie doll with huge “kahunas”.

“It’s all in good fun,” Kim tells MT, a hint of defensive annoyance creeping into her twang. MT presents her with a gift from BravoTV.com, a t-shirt that says “I’m a conversation piece”. “Very cute,” Kim says. not about to wear anything with a neckline and sleeves. MT asks if Kim’s boobs got bigger this season. No. Kim says she’s “skinnier” now, and that’s why her tits look so massive. But the only cosmetic procedures she’ll admit to are Botox and her two long-ago boob-jobs. Why does Kim think “it’s so hard” for people to believe she’s “only 31?” MT asks. Kim says the footage “last year” made her look old, but since then she’s toned down her makeup and is much happier with her on-camera appearance. “Less is more sometimes,” she says, to everyone’s, including MT’s, shock. “With the makeup,” Kim quickly clarifies.

A viewer asks what size Kim’s implants are. She’s not sure…

…but her bra size is 34D.

MT tells Sheree there’s been lots of speculation about HER tits this season. Sheree insists they only look bigger thanks to “a good bra”. We go in tight on S’s rack, and maybe it’s a shadow, but it looks like there’s a hint of areola! Thoughts, Gasmii? MT continues to endear herself to Kim by bringing up their chat about Kim’s “illness” from last season’s Reunion. Kim emphatically denies ever saying she had cancer. No, you only wanted everyone to THINK you had it so they’d quit ragging on your wig-addiction. “Moving right along,” Kim says testily. But Miss Thing ain’t done with you yet, sweets: What mysterious illness DID Kim have that caused her to lose her hair and turn to wigs for comfort?

“It started with a thyroid problem… I had a couple of issues” including “anemia” which caused the hair loss, but now she’s regulated “by medication”. When will Kim quit the wigs? She doesn’t know, because now “it’s fun”, so much so she’s starting a wig line. But she assures us she has “great hair” and soon everyone will get t see her in it. How ’bout now, MT presses, requesting that she take “that damn thing off right now.” Forget it, Mary, Kim snaps. MT asks if any of the Wives have seen Kim wigless. Kandi’s the only one, and says “the wig is longer”.

NeNe doesn’t see “what the real deal is.” Kim claims she’s “trying to get the Caucasian to catch up– African-American people, they’ve worn the hair ex– I mean they started the whole, I mean the wigs, the hair extensions, it’s taken us years to catch on, so (SNAPS) I’m learnin.” MT: Great. Betty From Easthampton wants to know how many glasses of wine do you drink each day. “As many as i can… BETTY,” Kim snips. “Like, whatever I wanna do.” Yeah, Betty– how dare you. What about the cigarettes, MT inquires. Last season Kim was trying to cut down. But tonight she says:

“I’ll quit when I’m damn well good and ready to quit!”

Back from commercial, Miss Thing says it’s only been a little over a week since Kandi’s ex-fiance AJ died, so how’s Kandi? “I’m doin alright,” Kandi says, explaining that she’s been trying to keep herself occupied, but whenever she goes out, she attracts a lot of sympathetic stares, which Kandi doesn’t really like, since everyone looks so sad it’s a constant battle for Kandi to keep from bursting into tears. When exactly did she break up with AJ? In June, Kandi says, the weekend of Father’s Day, which must have been a particularly grueling holiday for Kandi, what with AJ’s six kids from four different baby-mamas. So what happened? MT wants to know.

Kandi explains that AJ and her mother Joyce made up in the Season Finale at the Mother’s Day party, but soon after had a “big blow-out” after which, she claims, AJ said he’d had enough and walked out on Kandi. Maybe she came to her senses and asked him to sign a pre-nup! “In retrospect,” MT asks, how does Kandi feel about Joyce’s efforts to “protect” her? “I love my mother and I definitely feel like she had some valid points,” Kandi admits. But she wishes Joyce had been “less aggressive” getting them across. How long were Kandi & AJ together? One year– he proposed to her in January of 2009 and “it was over in June”.

MT wants to know how AJ died. Kandi says that day she spoke with AJ on the phone a couple hours before getting the message that AJ was in the hospital and had gotten into a fight with the manager of “the [strip] club he was trying to buy into”. Kandi says when she saw the body, it didn’t look as though AJ had been “beaten up”. Unlike the person he got into the altercation with. Kandi says it was “weird, unbelievable and shocking” that someone she’d just talked to could be gone so suddenly. She says on the way to the hospital she kept hoping it was all some out-of-control rumor.

After requesting tissues…

…Kandi continues: Kandi and her cousin arrived at the hospital and found the strip club owner, who filled them in on the scuffle that had taken place outside the club. At this point, none of them knew AJ was already dead. The doctor told them he’d “stopped breathing” on the way. “I kinda went numb,” Kandi says through tears as Kim cuddles her supportively. Contrary to how she appeared on the show this season, Kandi says she’s not someone who normally cries in front of others. So it wasn’t until she was alone that she broke down completely, but only for a few minutes before pulling it together. The best word to describe the entire incident? “Shocking”. Kandi has made an effort to get past this by throwing herself into her life, but talking about it clearly makes her emotional. AJ was so young and had so much to live for.

Miss Thing says Kandi was obviously still very close to AJ and pulls out the cop show cheese-nugget “I’m so sorry for your loss.” MT asks if the other Wives have “been there” for Kandi. They have. Kim even came to pick up Kandi’s daughter Riley after the funeral, which was nice, even if Kim’s the last bitch in Atlanta you’d ever want to leave your kids with. Lisa says AJ “was very, very sweet” and had been developing a friendship with Lisa’s hunky hubby Ed, who offered AJ marital and workout tips.

Back from commercial, Miss Thing says Lisa “almost flipped a couch” during a spat with Kim at last season’s Reunion, but dispensed with the catfighting in Season 2 to focus on getting knocked up. Cue the Lisa package:

Lots of Lisa being wooed, worshipped…

…fondled…

…and seduced by beautiful built Ed, ending with their shared bubblebath.

MT asks what it was like to have cameras in Lisa’s bed- and bathrooms. Lisa says Ed is naturally very romantic, and she got a lot of horny feedback from appreciative viewers who said they couldn’t wait for the handsome couple to “drop a sex tape”. Absolutely not! Lisa scolds. Kandi expresses awe that Lisa & Ed did as much as they did “in front of the cameras”. Lisa confirms that she’s not currently preggers, but “having fun trying”. Every day? MT leers. Maybe every other day, a couple times a day, Lisa giggles. “He’s younger than I am!” NeNe says she’s glad she’s not the one forced to fuck daily– NeNe says she has a healthy sexual appetite, but that’s too much boning for NeNe’s taste. Um, has she met Ed?

MT takes the titillating topic and flits with it– is daily sex too much for the Wives? No, perfect, Kim says. Kandi says “maybe”, but it’s not clear if she means maybe too much, or maybe she’d love it. Sheree says that she’d be okay with every day for a week, and then some time off. MT reads a question from Nelson: is it true that Lisa & Ed “lost their house… and are going broke?” Lisa says they’re “definitely not” going broke and had been talking about “downsizing” for a while. But “was it really a foreclosure?” MT demands. Lisa dodges it: “We said we’ll do a short sale, allow us to do it, and they said yeah. So I’d rather downsize, not tap into savings… we had moved into a house we had owned for over six or seven years.” Why do people who don’t want to sound ghetto love to misuse the past perfect tense? Ed had banged me upside down and backwards for three hours. Ed had found a new girlfriend on TVgasm. Kids are in school for like seven hours a day! Isn’t that enough time to teach them how to speak? And this is coming from someone who learned English from The Young & The Restless and Guiding Light. Lisa confirms that the house was Ed’s bachelor pad and sits on a huge piece of land the super-couple had initially wanted to develop into a “mini-subdivision”, but since the real estate market crashed, they’re happy to just live on it and remodel the house.

So far this is the dullest Reunion show in Bravo history.

MT asks NeNe how it was to go meet Lisa’s family in L.A. “Oh ma god, it was so different!” NeNe squawks, her great IMHO new hair making her look like Sheree’s bitchy BFF Tania. “I just couldn’t believe it!” she continues, reminding us all of how bizarre it was for NeNe to be unable to accept the fact that Lisa is half-Chinese and her extended family reflects that. Jesus, NeNe acts like they were all Mormons or Scientologists or something a hell of a lot more exotic and distasteful then Asian-Americans. Get over it, lady! Lisa tries to help by explaining that NeNe “didn’t expect to see a lot of Asian people. She was like ‘where’re the black people?’” “Why?” MT squawks, as Kandi gives NeNe a WTF glance.

NeNe keeps diggin’. “And they weren’t American,” she says. “They really spoke their language. You know, it was just– ah, it was just some– it was funny.” Even Sheree emerges from her cloud of self-involvement to raise her eyebrows. NeNe continues, recounting her astonishment at laying eyes on Lisa’s tiny, interracial parents. MT wants specifics. So does the Asian-American Anti-Defamation League, if they’re watching. Answer: Lots of Asians, Chinese food, everyone was so different. NeNe: I was just– chile, get me a glassa WINE! Where’m I at?! Asians make her so uncomfortable she needs to drink. I feel the same way about Republicans. NeNe concludes by labeling Lisa “a very mixed-up girl. But we had a good time, though.” Yeah, thanks to the Gaysian you “ran into” at the hotel and immediately hagged it up with.

MT changes the subject to NeNe’s “emotional search for your biological father”, who she “may have just found” in Athens, GA. Cue the NeNe package:

NeNe tells us how “shocking” it was to discover a man named Alan Pope is quite probably her real dad.

Imagine if he’d been Asian.

“That was really emotional to watch,” MT says. How was that day for NeNe? “Very hard… I was really freaked out. He was really nervous and shaking.” He was probably afraid she’d try to strangle him like she did with Kim, off-camera, tragically, in the Season Finale. NeNe says there hasn’t been a new DNA test, but they’ve talked “a few times” on the phone since, but she hasn’t been able to get many answers “because he drinks a lot.” Yet another genetic similarity. MT mentions that Gregg (Mr NeNe) had a “heartbreaking” reaction to the news. NeNe says Gregg wasn’t happy that this guy “dropped out of the sky”– Gregg was worried Alan was looking for NeNe to “take care of” him. Gregg’s lack of support on the issue was devastating to NeNe.

Chadonna From Lithonia wants to know if NeNe will accept Alan as her father “if it’s so”. Yes, NeNe doesn’t want to “be bitter”. MT: Do you feel betrayed? NeNe: I just feel like, DAYUM, if you knew this all these years, why’d you just wait… and how could you just know that your little girl is here in Athens, and you’d come and visit and you’d just drive past or don’t reach out? I mean I don’t know how somebody could do that. Like, I don’t. Cuz I have two children, I’d never do that. MT: How does Curtis [NeNe's adoptive dad] fit into this? NeNe says “Curtis is still my dad” but hasn’t spoken to him since the paternity test. “I know he’s real hurt about the results.” MT asks why NeNe hasn’t reached out to Curtis. “Cuz I feel he should reach out to me, and I just don’t really know what to say. I’ve been his daughter all my life.”

MT says it seems like NeNe’s “punishing” Curtis for not “reaching out to you first.” NeNe says no, she’s the child in this case and is living with what the adults in her life did. So it’s Curtis’s responsibility to reach out to her. I totally agree! MT wants Sheree’s opinion. Sheree advises NeNe to “let everything go and be the bigger person” and reach out to Curtis: “You’re my dad, you’re my heart.” NeNe says “I can try” that. MT says they’re both “strong-willed” and that NeNe got that from Curtis. MT hopes it works out.

Back from commercial, MT turns the spotlight to Kim & NeNe, who are a cross between Lucy & Ethel, Patsy & Edina, and the WWF.

Let’s watch the clips:

Kim drunkenly crawls onto NeNe’s lap, where they canoodle as NeNe paws Kim’s kahunas. NeNe goes off on Kim for cutting her from “Tardy For The Party”. They call each other “evil”. NeNe & Kim tell Dwight & Kandi about their scuffle at a boutique, where Kim “slapping” NeNe’s hand away from Kim’s face led to full-on throttling. NeNe refuses to hear any more of Kim’s “lies”. Kim tells us they’ll “never be friends again”.



MT says NeNe’s claim that she’d rather pluck her toenails out than associate with Kim was an “LOL” moment. Kim agrees. MT asks what really happened in that fight, since the cameras “were not there”. NeNe says they argued about “what happened at the A-List Awards. The other Housewives from the other counties came over and told us Kim had said things about all of us… negative things… that really upset me.” Such as? NeNe says “they’re not even important today.” Kim chalks it up to miscommunication with Bethenny, Tamra, Laurie, Vicki and Ramona. “I was exhausted, they just said I stuff, whatever, I don’t care, the bottom line is NeNe and I have moved past it– we look forward to a brighter future.” MT: When did you bury the hatchet? Kim & NeNe: A couple months ago. MT isn’t buying it and says the last time she saw NeNe & Kim they were “pretty mad” at each other.

NeNe gets a bit testy and says MT hasn’t seen them in a long time, “Boo”. MT gives it right back to her: Hey, BOO, I saw you like two months ago… and the two of you had a nine-minute screaming fight! “It’s interesting that you can go from white-hot rage to burying the hatchet.” NeNe says who stays mad like that for months, you settle it and move on, as Kim interjects similar sentiments. MT turns to Kim and asks how their beef “got physical”– Kim called the cops on NeNe! “And so what?” Kim snips. “We’re movin on to something else,” she adds…

…giving him an uber-pissy look.

MT says “it was murky from the show” whether or not “NeNe laid her hands” on Kim. “Like I said,” Kim tells him, “I’ma say it again, we’ve moved past it. We’ve had a conversation, we have moved past it. I know she wishes me to be successful, I wish her the fuckin same.” Eat shit and die, Miss Thing. MT has hit a nerve and is smart enough to not allow this bone of contention to stay buried. All this sedate self-reflection is ratings death! MT asks for details about their reconciliation. NeNe says they spoke on the phone and discussed ways to respect each other and get to “a better place”. Not good enough! How did they “overcome such anger and venom”?! NeNe says it wasn’t as venomous as all that. NeNe has “been knowin” Kim for a long time, and their anger “on that day” dissipated soon after.

Kim says they both say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment, and were able to “clear the air” during their two-hour phone chat. MT: Am I alone in not buying this? Lisa? Lisa says like she’s told Kandi, it’s best not to get in between NeNe & Kim’s volatile, off-again/on-again friendship. Kim says they are SO past it, and had “a fantastic conversation”. MT declares that she’s “thrilled… I think you two are Lucy & Ethel.” If so Kim’s definitely Loosey. Even though she prefers “Thelma & Louise“. Then MT does a VERY gay move– making what sounds like a “clonk” sound while miming a checkmark in the air. WTF?!?

MT changes the subject to Kim’s “relationship status”. She started the season single and ended it engaged to sugar-daddy Pig Boppa. Cue the clip package! Kim heaves a super-annoyed sigh as we launch into:

Kim’s palm-reader sees a break with Pig Boppa, but he’s still in her heart. Kim insists to NeNe that it’s over and Kim won’t got running back when “he buys her something”. Kim debuts her insane green Edy Williams bikini as she tells BFF Cori pool-side that PB sent Kim and her brats Brielle & Ariana to the Bahamas, then surprised Kim by showing up for tropical nookie. Kim says she needs “a commitment” from BP– “I want a ring!”

Kim arrives at her birthday party…

…in a tittie-licious red dress and shows off the massive rock BP just proposed to her with. Sheree & NeNe interview that’s ridiculous since PB is still married. Kim says the size of the diamond made her scream “Hell to the yeah!”

MT says Kim’s not wearing the ring tonight. What’s up with that? Kim says she learned this season “that I was really naive”, then changes tacks and asks who gives someone an 8-carat diamond without being “serious”. Kim says she had an epiphany since the season stopped taping and her stance now is that Pig Boppa should call her AFTER a judge decrees him divorced. MT: So you’re broken up? Kim: I’m dating other people. MT asks why Kim didn’t hesitate when “a married man” proposed to her. Kim says she did, but the fact that PB “dropped to one knee” and popped the question led her to believe “the divorce was over”. She says she made a mistake saying yes that night, but if he ever really loses the wife, they can talk. MT: Is he separated? Kim says Mrs Boppa “is living in California and he’s here.” Has Kim ever met Mrs B? No. MT presses, saying that Mrs B must watch the show and has to be aware of Kim.

We feel ya, Kandi-Gurrrrl!

Kim nods, then says PB spends “five or six nights a week” at her place, acting like he’s part of Kim’s family. MT is confused– PB is still doing that WHILE Kim’s seeing other people?! He WAS, Kim corrects. But she recently decided “I don’t wanna do this anymore” and called him up and broke it off. MT asks if all the ladies have met Pig Boppa. They have. Now that NeNe & Kim are pals again, what advice would NeNe give Kim about Daddy Whorebucks? NeNe says she “always” felt that PB “should be divorced if he was gonna be with Kim”. Does NeNe think “his intentions are sincere” RE: Kim? N: I don’t know him that way. MT: What about you, Kandi? Kandi says she doesn’t know what PB’s “intentions” are, but it’s obvious that PB is “really into” Kim. NeNe agrees.

Back from final commercial, something remarkably coincidental has happened! Miss Thing tells us that “during the break, Pig Boppa appeared!” Fuck, says Kim, as if she’d just been promised this wouldn’t be brought up on the air.

“I met Pig Boppa!”

Kim: Are you excited. MT: I kind of am! Kandi is surprised MT has never met PB, to which MT sassily snips how would I? “I don’t roll with you people!” Now why did PB happen to show up? I personally think the producers called and begged him to inject some drama into this boring-ass Reunion, but Kim says PB knew how difficult the Reunion show was for her last season, so he stopped by to offer support and show he still cares. MT: Judging from the lip-lock that I saw during the break, it seems like you’re– Kim: Thank you, Miss Thing, for calling me out again. I appreciate it… MT: It seems like you’re okay with… Kim: I may not be makin the right decisions, I’m fully aware. I know I’m critiqued by many [thanks for the shout out!], at the end of the day, it’s my heart and that’s how I feel. And I can only hope that someday he slaps those papers down and I run off into a fairytale.

MT: Does he still support you? Kim: Hmmm. Not really. MT: How do you support yourself? Kim: My song. MT: That song ain’t supportin you. Kim: The song’s doing very well! Are you crazy?! MT: That’s not– Kim: But the song, I worked as a nurse and I waited tables at Bahama Breeze… MT clearly has some kind of issue with Kim, flat-out asking her if she banked that much cash from her waitressing career. Kim says she’s been “very, very smart” and put it in “money market accounts”. She says she’s been smart during her years with Pig Boppa, indicating that she stashed away a sizable chunk while he was hemorrhaging cash all over those ginormous ta-ta’s. “But if I have to shovel shit, I will,” Kim declares. “McDonald’s, Target, Burger King… I’ll do it!” Now THERE’S a reality show, Gasmii.

MT points out that Kim is NOT shoveling any shit at the moment. Kim gets progressively testier as she clarifies that she’s doing fine financially right now and isn’t running around “buying Escalades“. The economy has changed things “for everyone” and Kim says she’s not able to enjoy the lifestyle she did “a year, six months, three months ago”. And, for Miss Thing’s information, “Pig Boppa did not give me a DIME for the first year plus. It was not like hey, here you go, you’re my hooker!– never like that, buddy.”

Did she just call him Buddy?! It’s ON!

MT whips out a question from Lisa From White House, TX: How does it feel to be perceived as a home-wrecker and a mistress because you’re involved with a married man? (Eeeuchh, Kim snorts as NeNe all but cackles gleefully.) How do you think married women feel about you? Kim: There’s no way a man could spend six days… six NIGHTS, at my house, every week for four years if you have a marriage. I’m sorry. MT asks what Sheree thinks, but Kim interrupts and demands to know “what’s going on over here”! What’s with the looks Miss Thing keeps shooting over to Kandi & Sheree?!

Sheree says she thought “a mistress was someone who was sleeping with a married man–” Kim cuts her off, derisively adding “And then gets money and goes shopping. And has a great life. Like I would put up with that?! Are you out of your mind?!?” MT: Well you are with a married man. And you do to get to go shopping… Thank you, Miss Thing! The other Wives burst into giggles…

“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

Lisa says she was “thinking that” but wasn’t going to say it. Kim is super-offended: What, do you think he comes over and has sex with me for an hour, then I go shopping?! No, Kimmy, actually we think you’re providing a fuck of a lot more sex than an hour’s worth to be out writing checks for Escalades and dropping a thousand bucks on husky designer duds for Princess Piglet. “I wish you’d get the hell off Pig Boppa!” Kim snaps, then smiles and chuckles so she won’t sound like a bitter, defensive mistress.

MT asks if PB has “given you any kind of timeline for this divorce to go through?” No, he has not, Kim says. And she’s not going to be in a relationship with someone who won’t do that. Pig Boppa knows how Kim feels, and she says maybe he’ll “step up to the plate” for Season Three.

MT calls for “a breather” and we see scenes from next week’s Reunion continuation– Lisa bickers with Dwight, NeNe and Kandi go at it, and Kim butchers “Tardy For The Party”…

…live onstage!

Speaking of the hit dance track, the song credits appear and we see the writers listed as Kandi, co-producer Don Vito, guitar teacher Ed Davidson, and, wait for it– Kim’s daughter Brielle! I would looove to know how that arbitration session went down.

Thanks to Flipit for the DVR DVD of this episode–

I will also be needing the second half– plus whatever Lost Footage special Bravo cobbles together to squeeze every last bit of rotten peach juice out of this wonderful season– and to you, Gasmii, for all the love, brilliant comments and accusations of racism!

Besos,

LLB