Hello dolls and welcome back to the Real Housewives of Atlanta. This week, we focus on Sheree, which is not nearly as interesting as NeNe’s rants, Kimmie’s singing, DeShawn’s money laundering, or anything the adorable Hartwells do, but Sheree does come off kind of looking like a chump, so stay with me.
You made the deposit, right? Kisses!
We start off with a nice trip to the lake. The ladies have attired themselves in their long, going-to-the-lake dresses, and we have Kimmie, Sheree, Kim’s stalker, Suck-Up Cori, and some other friends of Sheree. They’re headed out on Cori’s husband’s boat. How is Cori married? Doesn’t it interfere with her following Kim around duties?
Nobody’s actually ever driven a boat before, but Cori’s out to impress the real housewives, so they hop in. I find it a little ironic that Suck-Up is the only one of them who actually is a housewife, and I imagine this is what runs through her mind as she suggests these convenient plot set-ups. Sheree’s friend looks exactly like her. They all relax while Kimmie reliably slurps her wine and puffs on her cigarette. I think Kim drags a box of wine around with her like an oxygen tank. Cori chauffeurs the boat. Bitch knows her place.
Y’all hungry? Packed us some lunch. I’ll give massages after and braid your hair.
They break out some fruit and cheese plates, and Kim reminds everyone that she paid her chef so much money for the fruit and cheese, she can’t believe it. Me either. Who would pay good money to a chef to put together a fruit and cheese plate? But we know our Kimmie, it’s not classy til everyone knows how much you spent on it. They stop off an a deserted island, where they pretend to be exotic. Kim found guacamole exotic, clearly it doesn’t take much.
One of the ladies asks Kim what it’s like to have a mystery man. Kim replies that he thinks NeNe’s a mess, and he knows how close she and Sheree have become. Kimmie’s on message today! Then she drinks sandy wine, cause really, who are we kidding, and then informs us she has sand on her boob. Kimmie has a hard time making it through a conversation without a mention of her boobs and how much everything costs.
Dang girl. You look like you’re getting ready to feed a littler of piglets.
They go to get back into the boat…and the engine won’t start. Sneaky Suck-Up Cori! She’s not wasting this day with two lead housewives. So what if they don’t want her on their show? She’ll just trap them on her deserted island! It’s always the frumpy ones you have to watch out for. But finally, Cori figures out that the reason the boat won’t start is because it’s in neutral. Way to impress the cool girls, Cori. Kim thanks the Lord for saving them. That’s so what NeNe would have said.
Next we check in with Lisa and her adorable husband, Ed Hartwell. Ed Hartwell is working out, and he most definitely gets an amen for that. Ed Hartwell’s been in the NFL for seven years, but he’s been “rehabbing” lately, and is now getting ready for try-outs. Lisa would love for him to retire, but he wants to play and she says she’s going to be on his side. Then she tells us that NFL players are treated like cattle. Cattle who fund your fancy pants lifestyle, little honey. But Lisa continues to observe the workout with her eagle eye, and she does not look happy.
How many millions of dollars do you get a year, again?
Well, I love Ed Hartwell but the football part is boring, so let’s check in with Sheree and her fashion line! Of course Sheree has a fashion line. “People look up to me for fashion. It’s my God-given gift,” she explains to us. Thank you Sheree, it would be just rude of you to deprive the rest of the universe the opportunity to be just like you. Ever since she was a child she has wanted to be a designer, she tell us, as she meets with the sketch artist. Sheree has invested $100,000 of her very own money that she earned from getting divorced, and tells us it won’t be long before her chic homespun fashions are all over New York, Paris and Milan.
Well, the excitement of Sheree’s fake line that’s sure to have a huge spread in Vogue next month has me worn out, so let’s check in with NeNe! In a big hat! Is this the Big Hat Brunch? It is! It looks like fun, but the hats aren’t quite as happening as the hats from the Big Hat Brunch planning party at NeNe’s house. Nothing purple. I’m a bit disappointed. It actually looks like a successful brunch, there are a lot of ladies there.
Anyone wanna donate to my teen girls fund? Still no one? K.
Of course, DeShawn, of the world-renowned DeShawn Snow Foundation Benefiting DeShawn Snow, has to make a big deal of herself and introduce NeNe at the brunch. NeNe takes her place at the podium, and tells the story of being an abused wife. It’s a big deal, cause she usually doesn’t tell people this story. Except when there’s a cable reality crew standing by to record it. NeNe’s hat is so big, I can’t see her face at all. Trust NeNe to bring the drama, even in the form of her hat.
She tells us that a lot of people have foundations, but hers is different because she can talk intimately about what hers is about. Lisa is impressed with the mission, and professional fund-raiser DeShawn tells us she’s proud. And probably burning with jealousy too. NeNe’s brunch was an actual success. They raised $19,200. I’m happy for NeNe, but I’m curious about the mission…awareness of domestic abuse? Just telling people about it? Why do you need twenty grand for that? I want to see some subsidized housing before I jump onboard with another foundation.
Abusing women is bad. Thank you for coming. And please don’t try to look at my face.
And now for someone who would never waste her time pretending to help others with a foundation, and that’s Sheree. It’s the clothing line division of the Sheree, You’re Fabulous!â„¢ entourage. The line is called She by Sheree. It sounds like a line of maxi-pads from the 70′s. I can sort of picture the commercial. Anyway, Sheree reminds us that she was married to NFL player Bob Woodfield, and while she was supportive of Bob, he was not supportive of her. Well, it was Bob Woodfield’s money, you know. But now that the divorce is almost over, Sheree is ready to pursue her dreams! Bob Woodfield gave her the motivation, she tells us. Um yeah, that and his money, you ignorant ho.
And Sheree, cause she knows I’m right, keeps mentioning about a hundred times how she’s doing this on her own without Bob Woodfield (I’m sorry, much like Ed Hartwell, the name is just too good – what is it about these NFL players and the fabulous names?). Because Sheree totally knows what she’s doing when it comes to starting a fashion line, she’s hired a whole table-full of consultants. They’re planning a viewing. What’s the difference between a viewing and a fashion show? Well, a fashion show has actual clothes, but we’ll get to that later.
What about this picture makes you think you don’t get support?
Guess who’s at the fashion line meeting? It’s PR Tiffany, mastermind behind the leaving NeNe off the list of the talk of the town party incident! Sheree reminds PR Tiffany that the viewing must have politicians, athletes and socialites. And guess what else? Sheree officially instructs PR Tiffany that the viewing must be the talk of the town! Sheree’s not worried, because she’s got confidence in her team. Now she’s just got to get some “quality samples” whipped up in less than three weeks. Did Sheree learn her fashion show execution at one of the DeShawn Snow Foundation’s quarterly self-esteem chats? It’s the only possible way to explain such a deluded planning process.
Back to NeNe, she’s getting her DNA test done today. NeNe’s a little dull for me now, raising money, looking for her birth father, I just kind of like the drunk, singing, shit-talking NeNe a lot better. She has to pose for a picture to go with her DNA sample, and she totally works it for the camera. NeNe makes a bunch of nervous chit-chat with the technician, who really isn’t interested. NeNe doesn’t know what she’ll do if Curtis isn’t her Dad. I’ll tell you exactly what you do, honey, you spin-off! Real Housewives – The Search For NeNe’s Real Dad.
What? I can’t guess?
Over at DeShawn’s, NeNe’s coming for a visit. She asks for water in a wine glass. What’s this about? Does water taste classier from a wine glass? Or is it a stupid way of just asking for wine? They sit down, and DeShawn tells NeNe that she wants to invite everyone over for a sunset barbeque. NeNe’s okay with DeShawn and Lisa, but not so much about Sheree and Kimmie. “I’ll be cordial and nice, but I won’t pretend to like either one of those bitches,” she warns oxymoronically.
DeShawn gets on the phone to start inviting. First up is Lisa, who is predictably cheerful at the prospect of a sunset barbeque. With Lisa signed up, the next call is to Sheree. NeNe makes a crack about how Sheree is now pretending to be a fashion designer. And Sheree’s response to DeShawn is priceless, as usual. “It’s Shawnie,” DeShawn chirps when Sheree answers. Everyone’s besties with Shawnie! But Sheree has no idea. “Who?” she asks rudely. And she’s not any more excited to find out who exactly Shawnie is, or what the heck this sunset barbeque thing’s about.
The last phone call goes to Kimmie, who doesn’t even bother answering. DeShawn leaves a message. She’s excited for her barbeque, and I am too. If her diamond gala and birthday party are any indication, disaster is sure to strike!
Tell Shawnie don’t do it, mommy. She’s embarrassing herself.
Sheree can’t be bothered with Shawnie-pie and her sunset barbeque, because she’s busy at a casting for her fashion line. The idea is to paint She by Sheree all over her models. Most of the models look like crap, but Sheree and her paid entourage are giggling and pointing. They get the dudes to take their shirts off. Then their pants. The VIP girls from Super Sweet Sixteen play it cooler than these grown women. For the most part, they act like unprofessional idiots, although I do enjoy when one of the entourage ladies compares one of the ugly models to a chicken wing.
And while Sheree takes a cold shower, Lisa and DeShawn are having a little shopping spree at what I’m now certain must be a paid sponsor of this show, Blue Genes, also the site of Kimmie’s daughter’s birthday party. Lisa’s got the cute Baby Ed Hartwell with her. She tells us there’s definitely a NBA/NFL wives club. And that the NBA wives are snootier, mainly because their husbands get guaranteed contracts, and the football players don’t. Very interesting news to me, but it’s probably the first thing these girls learn out of the womb.
DeShawn proudly recounts how she traded in Eric Snow’s bling and “got me some stuff”. Lisa tells us, in her usual, diplomatic way, that DeShawn is more extravagant than her. In other words, DeShawn’s a snooty bee-yotch because her husband’s guaranteed. They talk about having baby girls, they spend a bunch of money and then we get another shot of regional sponsor, Blue Genes.
Those clothes are fug.
Well, enough filler. Time to head to Sheree’s the day before the viewing. Her “samples” have been dumped off on her front porch. Sheree’s gift from God, abandoned on the porch in cheap plastic bags. Sheree heads inside with her loot, and on cue, her new bestie Kimmie calls. She’s going to head over to see the “designs” because Big Poppa’s taking her away for the weekend. Kimmie’s got the best prostitute gig ever. And Sheree’s got a problem when she opens her plastic bags of fashion – the samples are a mess.
Sheree is pissed. Who’s to blame for this one? It’s the seamstress. And she’s not picking up her phone. So Sheree instead bitches to Kimmie, who’s probably high on the normal complement of wine and pills and tells Sheree to just explain to everyone that they weren’t up to her standards. But Sheree is furious. She’s worked so hard and other people aren’t delivering. Yeah, your crack team meeting around the kitchen table three weeks ago really made things look so solid. The need for a good guest list was confirmed, everyone told Sheree how fashionable and classy she was, what could have possibly gone wrong?
Sheree finally gets the seamstress on the phone and starts telling her off. But it’s kind of a boring rant. NeNe would have totally rocked it out, but Sheree just like, “You’re sorry? All you have to say is you’re sorry?” Dull city. Kim’s not impressed either. NeNe would have had everyone riled up. Kim just tells Sheree it will be okay, and then takes off for her weekend with Big Poppa.
You’ll be fine. Gotta go! Don’t wanna be tardy for the party.
And then it’s time for the sunset barbeque at DeShawn’s. We head to the McCastle, to the backyard, and it’s huge but a bunch of bare trees. Kind of eerie. DeShawn reminds us that she and Lisa are the neutral parties. The two ladies sit down at the picnic table with the adorable Ed Hartwell, who’s totally onboard with the peace summit. “Let’s try to do it! We can be counselors!” he enthuses. NeNe prances in with her team, and sits down with the girls and Ed Hartwell. Lisa asks NeNe if she’s going to be nice…and NeNe says nothing. Thank heavens for NeNe! Who wants to watch a nice barbeque?
NeNe says something about Lord Jesus and some wine. And Kimmie and Sheree are late. Very late. Like, hours late. Clearly, they’re not coming to Shawnie’s house to play sunset barbeque. And it’s kind of funny, cause the other three thought they were having a showdown, and Sheree’s all oops, couldn’t make it, and Kimmie says she just doesn’t want to sit around with NeNe and eat chicken.
Of course NeNe has a field day with the no-shows. She’s got “tacky” flying everywhere, and then she says something about how you reap what you sow. I don’t really see how that applies here, but with NeNe, it’s kind of all in the delivery. Lisa says that she hates that the other girls aren’t there. I don’t think Lisa likes DeShawn and NeNe that much. NeNe, knowing she’s now officially out in the cold with DeShawn, talks about how glad she is that DeShawn’s a friend. DeShawn also goes on a small “tacky” rant, and NeNe reminds her that this is what she’s dealing with.
I don’t care! I’m just happy to be here with you DeShoon. DaSheer? What’s your name?
Sunset barbeque snub covered, it’s time for Sheree’s fashion show. Viewing. Whatever. It’s all falling apart. She’s wearing a dress that is described to us only as “medium grape”, and then she gets a call from a friend telling her that word on the street is someone else may be wearing that very same dress! I would have thought She by Sheree would just be wearing her own design, but I also would have thought that a fashion viewing would include some clothes.
One of the paid entourage assures Sheree that no one else would be wearing the medium grape dress, because it cost $1,000 and “they ain’t got money like you!” This appeases Sheree momentarily, but then she’s bitching about how she’s the assistant, and she’s the PR girl, and how she always gets sucked into working with mediocre people. Nothing to do with the leader, sweetie. Nothing at all.
So Sheree has made the executive decision not to show her messed up dresses. She says it looks like a two year old sewed them. Instead, she is just going to have a fabulous party to celebrate, who else, Sheree! I love Atlanta! No dresses? Well, no reason not to celebrate your eponymous fashion line! Need some extra cash? Hey, start a foundation and ask for a million!
No, it’s a party stupid.
Although, I do give Sheree props for rolling with it and still throwing her party. It does look pretty cool in there. Sheree looks manly as usual, and shrieks like a teenager when she sees her friends. Lisa looks adorable, she was there to see the fashion, but she’s wondering where are the models? Sheree diverts her with sketches. Very covert. Sheree spins it by telling us she just said it was a viewing, she never said what they were viewing. And that she’s not gonna let people see her sweat. She does play it pretty damn cool.
And then, Sheree’s ex, Bob Woodfield shows up. This causes a big stir in the party! Everyone thought they hated each other. Well, perhaps Bob Woodfield wanted his moment to shine. You don’t really get to know those guys under their helmets. Or perhaps he got wind of Sheree running all over town bragging about how she did it on her own, cause he makes some bitchy comment about how maybe now, she’ll actually do something. And then he repeats it. Sheree reminds us that she did this on her own, without Bob Woodfield’s connections. First of all, please. And second of all, what exactly did you do? Hold a fashion show with no clothes? Impressive.
But sure enough, the talk of the town! NeNe and Dwight Eubanks, Celebrity Hairstylist, are having pedicures the next day, and Dwight informs NeNe that he heard about a fashion show with no fashions! “Dreadful!” he cries. Dreadful. I like it. I’m picking it up. NeNe tries to play it cool. Oh well, I wasn’t invited, she tells Dwight airily. But it is NeNe, after all, so it’s not long before she’s back to, “Karma is a bitch.” Dwight’s dressed like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, and I don’t know what he does to his hair, but it really scares me.
Ten bucks she can’t find that bracelet tomorrow.
While NeNe and Dwight are drinking martinis and getting pedicures, Lisa’s in her pool going for a swim. And then she gets a phone call from Ed Hartwell, who informs her that he has been picked up by the Oakland Raiders. And well, well, well, perfect wifey is not happy! Ed Hartwell’s thrilled, and Lisa’s just poking holes. It’s on the west coast. That’s far. Our life is gonna change. What’s in Oakland? Hey sweetie, what happened to “got to support his dream”?
And finally, it’s the moment of truth with NeNe and the search for her birth Dad. Gregg looks serious and exhausted, like always. NeNe’s a lot to take. NeNe’s boys are there too. They all put their hands on the DNA letter. Her adorable son Bryson tells NeNe, “You’re still the same, nothing’s gonna change.” How could you not love NeNe just for raising him?
“It’s a lot to read,” says NeNe, nervously skimming the letter. Uh-oh, we’ve seen her with the math homework. This could be a problem. But even she can’t miss the “Probability of Paternity 0%” at the bottom of the letter. Oh my! Curtis is not NeNe’s father! This is such a soap opera! Fabulous! I’m telling you, spin-off time – The Real Housewives – The Search For NeNe’s Dad.
So, next week it’s all over. Too soon, I say. There’s a NeNe/Kimmie/Sheree showdown, and I’m depending on my girls to bring us a real peachy brawl…