Real Housewives of Atlanta: New Attitude, Same Atlanta: Beauty School Drop-Out

Hola queridos Gasmii!!!

Me llamo Leia LaBiblia. I joined TVGasm in April to recap the so-not-terrifying CBS mystery/slasher maxi miniseries Harper’s Island and loved it so much (the job, not the show) I begged Flipit to toss me another one. Little did I dream that it would be the delicious Queen Bitch of Reality TV, The Real Housewives! And Atlanta is one of my very favorite RH‘s. You can’t beat the combo of nouveau riches and hood-rat manners! And while I’ll miss dear dim-witted DeShawn, early reports indicate Kandi will be much more fun, wisely mixing it up with NeNe and her crazy-ass titties in all the promos! So, without further ado, slap on your best weave, grab some Popeye’s and Cristal, and join me for Season 2 of high-falutin hootchiness.

After a two-minute montage of first season highlights (see Chickbomb‘s wonderful archived recaps for details), the opening titles introduce each of our Housewives, their personalities encapsulated by accompanying venal sound-bites.

First up, entrepreneuse with a hot bubble-butted husband Lisa: “If it doesn’t make me money, I don’ t do it.”

Then, flamboyant, huge-breasted socialite NeNe: “I don’t keep up with the Joneses– I AM the Joneses!”

Next, token white (trash) chick Kim: “In Atlanta, money and class do give you power.” So, depending on who she’s banging at the moment, she’s got the first part covered.

On to diva divorcee Sheree: “People are intimidated by my success.”

And finally, the new girl, Kandi: “I’m an independent woman, doin’ it for myself.”

We begin at NeNe’s new river-rock tract mansion, where she welcomes Series Gay Dwight, her droll, dapper stylist, who arrives in a full-length mink coat carrying an enormous bouquet like the queen of the Anti-PETA Prom. “I love me some Dwight!” NeNe interviews. We hear you, girl. Dwight is a fucking riot. And a talented interior decorator, who will be doing one of NeNe’s new rooms.

New kitchen, new hair, same, er… enthusiasm!

Dwight tells NeNe her $15K drapes should have been longer, insists he’s not wearing false eyelashes, and accepts her offer of “a glass of mimosa”. NeNe has a phobia of champagne corks, and cowers to the side as Dwight lasciviously opens the Moet: “Just ease it off and let it come naturally,” he purrs.

Massage it just right and you won’t miss a drop of that foamy white goodness!

Dwight pronounces NeNe’s 10-year-old son Brentt ‘s spinning karaoke disco light “dreadful”, then checks out NeNe’s spiffy home theatre, which he says needs some dramatic draperies for the full cinema effect. Obviously angling to christen the theatre with a screening of Showgirls, Dwight inserts a CD and starts bumping and grinding against the enormous projection screen. “I love a crawl!” NeNe whoops. “Crawl, honey, crawl!”

No way Nate Berkus does this for Oprah.

As Dwight performs a lap-dance, cut to:

Kim driving her convertible Bentley. The car’s just like her: white, hard to the touch and frequently topless. Kim is paying a visit to Rose, her psychic. “She gives me direction, advice, helps me out whenever I have an issue in my life,” Kim explains. Because God forbid Kimmy pay a therapist for that. Of course that wouldn’t be quite as much fun. I myself possess no paranormal abilities, but I can safely predict that unlike a shrink Rose won’t be bumming Kim out with words like “delusional”, “borderline” and “morally bankrupt”.

She reads Kim’s palm” “This little line right here is an upset, a break…” Kim interviews (in a fuschia porn-star camisole) that she just broke up with her lover “Big Poppa”, who, you’ll remember, kept her in high style last season despite never appearing on-camera, a decision Kim insisted on the Reunion show was all hers. (She also clarified that Big P was “separated” from his wife, prompting NeNe to hilariously scream “Close yo legs to married min!” Good times…)

You’ll die alone… and bald.

Kim says “the last straw” with Big P was “some betrayals– he was talkin to people he shouldn’t've been talkin to behind my back”. (People like who? His wife?) Kim’s hand tells Rose that Kim will soon be owning her own business and that people have been stressing Kim out. Kim interviews that Lisa hurt her terribly by calling her a liar, “which is ridiculous”. As ridiculous as justifying a big blonde wig-addiction by implying one lost one’s hair from cancer, which one never had. Kim adds that NeNe upset her by singing a song about her. NeNe counter-interviews that SHE felt “very hurt and betrayed by the things that Kim had did and said”.

Kim tells us she doesn’t know if she’s ready to try to mend their friendship over a glass of wine. Inspecting the offspring-lines on Kim’s palm, Rose sees one for “a boy”, six or seven years from her youngest child Ariana, who just happens to be SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! Kim is alarmed by this and says “I’m goin on birth control!” She interviews that she doesn’t know who the father of this boy would be. Well, whoever he is, if you’re on birth control, you won’t have to scream over the Bentley CD player to ask him to put on a condom. Cut to:

So she DOES have one…

Sheree shlepping boxes with her kids. She tells us that her divorce is final and that she had a sudden move. NeNe helpfully informs us via interview that Sheree’s old house is in foreclosure. Sheree clarifies that her ex-husband defied a court order to make mortgage payments on her old tract mansion. She and their kids Kairo and Kaleigh had 30 days to pack up and find a new place to live and her pro athlete ex Bob didn’t bother to ask where they were going to go or if they needed help. He also hasn’t paid child support in 19 months. She tells her friend Tania, who shows up for wine and venting, that she can’t believe the man she devoted her life to could be such an asshole. But the old house had “bad energy” so it was time to go anyway. Sheree is throwing an “Independence Party” to prove it. I can smell the potential guest-list-snafu stank already! Cut to:

Lisa at home with cuddly hubby Ed and their adorable baby, EJ. Lisa explains that Ed was “released” from the Oakland Raiders, but hopes to be picked up soon by another NFL team and is working out a lot, which we’ll hopefully see plenty of, preferably with Ed wearing as little as possible. Astonishingly, EJ is only 18 months old and can read. Seriously. Lisa shows him flashcards with body parts printed on them and the kid recognizes the words and points them out on himself! All bitchiness aside, I’m impressed. Maybe he can tutor Kim, who’s “29″ and doesn’t even know what guacamole is.

My da-da looks better naked than your da-da!

Ed wants to have another baby but Lisa isn’t sure she’s ready. She knows the clock is ticking (she’s “38″) but she doesn’t know if she has the energy for two kids. She seems willing to take the plunge, though. Ed thinks they won’t need a fertility specialist. He’s seven years younger than Lisa and has plenty of athletic, chocolatey sperm to get the job done. In fact, he’s ready to start trying right this minute. I’m down with that! Cut to:

Sheree meets her party planners Anthony and Keisha to discuss the upcoming celebration of Sheree’s independence, which is ironic considering the bitch can’t do one goddamn thing for herself. Anthony’s idea is to “bring Hollywood to Atlanta”. This sounds eerily familiar, doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure that was the theme of DeShawn’s disastrous fund-raiser from Season One. You know, with the auction, where she provided us with the culturally dubious spectacle of African-Americans bidding on each other? Loved that. Sheree says she wants to come in by helicopter. Perfect! Anthony and Keisha agree. They’ve been inspired by one of Hollywood’s most legendary flops, Cleopatra, and envision Sheree being carried into the party on a litter by bodyguards. Wait a second. Bodyguards? Sheree asks. She’s thinking more like male models to make all her female friends (and Dwight) salivate with envy. “It’s my party and I want to be the focus,” Sheree interviews in case we’re missing the point. “The party is definitely all about me.” We get it, honey. You’re a grandiose egomaniacal nightmare!

You want a life-size ice sculpture of yourself with Grey Goose vodka coming outta your nipples? We can do that.

But Anthony’s not done. He has retained a poet who will serenade Sheree with an original composition extolling her many, many virtues. Sheree likey, but wants to meet with the poet to enlighten him about all the adversity she’s overcome. I hope this guy also gets a chance to talk to her ex-husband. Anthony and Keisha reiterate that this shindig will be, yes, all about Sheree and that they will not disappoint her. “You better not,” Sheree says, through a smile that could devour infants, “because I will let everybody know!” And then rip your throats out and feast on your hot spurting blood. Cut to:

Lisa’s tract mansion. The new Housewife Kandi drops by. Lisa informs us that Kandi is a Grammy Award-winning songwriter who’s composed for TLC (“No Scrubs”), N SYNC and Destiny’s Child and is “a former member of XScape“. Kandi is busy recording a solo album, but has found time to participate in something called The Pocketbook Monologues, which she describes as “an African-American version of The Vagina Monologues“. They could have just called it The Black Twat Monologues and made Sheree the star. Kandi wants Lisa to take one of the monologues for this charity performance to benefit domestic violence and HIV/AIDS awareness. Lisa says she’ll do it if she can pick her monologue. Done. Then Lisa starts drooling over Kandi’s gi-normous engagement ring. Kandi’s fiance is named AJ and he has six kids, which Kandi is fine with but her mother is trippin’ out on.

Y’all ain’t gonna be flippin’ no tables at the season finale, are y’all?

Lisa asks if Kandi has heard of Kim. Yes, if that’s the girl who was “tryin to do some music” with Kandi’s pal Dallas Austin. Kandi expresses doubt that Kim has a record deal anywhere, and Lisa says she doesn’t believe a word that comes out of Kim’s face. Kandi says just because you know Dallas doesn’t mean you’re going to work with Dallas. You feelin’ me? We feelin you. Lisa shows Kandi out to the driveway, where they bond further over having the same Mercedes Benz C-class. Cut to:

NeNe with husband Gregg and youngest son Brentt, playingg pooll. The guys try to teach NeNe some basic pool moves, but she sucks at it and besides, it’s messing up her nails. NeNe tells them she needs to go get her hair and makeup done because she’s going to Niecy Nash‘s birthday party. Lisa, NeNe’s new neighbor, is going to pick NeNe up. NeNe interviews that she and Lisa have been getting closer, which has gotten NeNe thinking about Kim and Sheree. Kim will be at the party, too, so maybe she and NeNe can bury the hatchet. Cut to:

NeNe gets professionally dolled up in someone’s kitchen. She interviews that she’s seen Sheree “throughout the summer” and that they’re “cordial”. Cut to:

If this poor lady gets out of line… Shady Pines.

Sheree confirms that she and NeNe are indeed cordial. Sheree’s mother Thelma plays cards with her grandson and asks Sheree who’ll be at the party. Lisa, NeNe and Kim. Sheree goes on to tell us she “entered into a friendship with Kim pretty innocently” but things quickly went south when Sheree heard gossip about certain things Kim has been saying. So they’re not friends anymore. This will make it much easier for Kim to latch onto Kandi as BFF du Jour, which she most certainly will try in a hilarious effort to launch her recording career. Can’t wait! Cut to:

Lisa and Ed drive to NeNe’s. Lisa tells him Kim will be at the party, then interviews that Kim has been talking trash around town about Lisa, specifically that Lisa’s on drugs. “And I’m a businesswoman!” Lisa squawks in disbelief, apparently never having met Kelly from Real Housewives NYC. They fetch NeNe and cruise down the freeway, NeNe singing one of Kim’s future hits “Don’t Be Tardy For The Party”. LOL. Cut to:

Didn’t my character arrest you for soliciting once?

Niecy Nash’s party. Kim and Lisa get out of the SUV and pose on the red carpet. In an amazing coincidence that I’m sure the producers had nothing to do with, Kim arrives at that exact second. Kim’s weave looks rather refined, but the tasteful effect is offset by her two-inch-thick hooker makeup and VCA Exclusive dress, a Versace ho-minatrix number that barely clears her nipples. Kim interviews that she wanted to say hi to NeNe “but there was no way I was going near her with Lisa around”. As Lisa tells NeNe Kim snubbed them, Kim is snuggling up to birthday girl Niecy Nash from Reno 911. After a quick chat with some local reporter, Kim decides to flee a possible beat-down from Lisa and bails. Niecy tells Lisa she heard about her feud with Kim. Lisa is coy: “I’m the nice one!”

Sheree arrives, poses for photographers, then asks the reporter who Niecy Nash is. Priceless. Joining NeNe and Lisa, Sheree says she saw Kim zooming away as Sheree arrived. Lisa and Sheree blame NeNe for bringing Kim into their circle, but, Sheree admits NeNe did warn her about Kim. And did NeNe know Kim’s been telling everyone that Gregg (Mr NeNe) is poor?! Oooooooooo hay-ell to the no! NeNe indignantly interviews that she has never discussed her finances with Kim and would damn well like to know where she’s getting this information. NeNe tells Sheree and Lisa they need to meet with Kim and confront her. “Dude! She is not going to admit to anything,” Lisa replies, as Sheree nods her extensions, loving this. NeNe still wants to do it, even if it’s just to see what they can all do “to try to get [them]selves to a better place.” As we’ve discussed, I’m a recap artist, not a psychic, but I think that place is Kim’s ass with NeNe’s foot all up in there. Cut to:

What Kim will never have.

Kandi in R&B songbird mode. There she is at a recording session, warbling empowered lyrics, then asking for the engineers to “take down the echo”. Clearly, she knows her stuff. (Unlike Kim, who mistook her Dallas Austin session for a photo shoot with Aging Porn Queen Monthly and dressed accordingly.) There’s Kandi in a video for her girl-group XScape. She unfortunately looked a little butch-fugly back then, but they apparently had three platinum albums and after the group broke up, she started writing hits for Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys and (speaking of fug), Pink. Kandi tells us her status as a “native Georgia peach” gets her access to Atlanta’s best producers and she can write the hot records to back it up. All this might come across annoyingly boastful from someone like, oh, Sheree, but Kandi ends her oral resume with a charming laugh and seems pretty chill about the whole thing. She says she doesn’t like to blow her money on jewelry and prefers investing in real estate– she’s had the same tract mansion for a long time.

Kandi likes to write songs while she’s driving, and sounds really great doing it. Kim is going to end up HATING her! Kandi has a six-year-old daughter named Riley and we see them having fun at a fair. Kandi says Riley doesn’t have a relationship with her father and she gets misty lamenting the fact that her financial independence led to Kandi repeating the cycle of single motherhood that runs in her family. I’m starting to think Kandi is way too evolved to be anywhere near the Real Housewives franchise. We meet her fiance, AJ, a pleasant-looking brother who shares her values and has a great relationship with Riley, whose needs always come first for Kandi. What is she doing on this show??!!? Cut to:

NeNe en route to Sheree’s. She’s picking up Brentt at school for a playdate with Kairo while NeNe and Sheree “squash some drama”. The boys play with Sheree’s dog Max as NeNe tells Sheree honest and from her heart that it bothered NeNe to be constantly going at it with her Season One. Flashback to Sheree leaving NeNe off the guest list at her party last year. NeNe to then BFF Kim RE: the snub: “Security pullin me to the motherfuckin side?! That shit ain’t about to happen!”

Misty water-colored memories…

Make that “mammaries”.

NeNe and Sheree separately interview their regret at not reaching out to each other to get past the unfortunate incident. It’s amazing what a newfound mutual hatred of Kim can do! Sheree says she appreciates NeNe, who delightedly demands Sheree scream it to the trees. NeNe politely inquires about whether Sheree got her “seven figures” divorce settlement, and Sheree delightedly says yes. To clarify: The judge “appointed” it to her, but it’s not in her bank account yet. The new pals cackle delightedly. Cut to:

Lisa & Ed’s house. “Lisa’s Stylist” Tracy Sipp arrives with oodles of designer num-nums for Our Gal With It All, namely the creations of designer Eva Lambert, not–shockingly– a contestant on Bravo‘s cringe-worthy Fashion Show. Lisa goes off to change and returns in a Pucci-patterned evening gown that her “boobage” is unfortunately spilling out of. Muscle-slabbed Hubby Ed comes up with a solution– he can stand behind Lisa all evening with his massive man-hands covering her tetas . Watching petite Lisa sink back into Ed’s arms like he’s a huge, comfortable mahogany piece of furniture reminds us all what a human theme park this man’s body is. So I don’t even care that this is one of Bravo‘s new signature stand-alone one-minute center-of-show throwaway pieces.

You lucky, lucky bitch.

Kim arrives at Empire Beauty School, located on the mezzanine of one of Atlanta’s swankiest strip malls. Is she sneaking off to get bargain-priced beauty treatments from cosmetology students?! No. She’s come here to become a student herself. Please let her take– and fail– some entrance exam! Kim explains to us that now that she’s no longer with Big Poppa, she wants to make her own money. Well honey, since you’ve alienated your three richest friends, that’s probably a wise idea. But Kim isn’t planning on just becoming another cut & blow drone. Oh, no. She’s going to launch a wig line. Perky instructor Bethany asks Kim why a wig line, as Beth undoubtedly tries to discreetly spot Kim’s adam’s apple.

“Cuz I wear ‘em,” Kim courageously admits, interviewing that she became very ill a few years ago (“it wasn’t cancer”, she re-clarifies) and her hair started falling out in clumps. Her “vanity” gave her no choice but to resort to to a life of wiggery. Kim tells Bethany “it’s been so controversial” (yeah, it’s right up there with gay marriage and Sonia Sotomayor) what with wigs being a shameful secret for the “Caucasian race”. Kim wants to drag white lady hairpiece usage out of the closet into the 21st century! Bethany hands her the school’s textbook, which Kim is delighted to see features pop-up illustrations, just like the last book she read.

You want me to take beauty lessons from a fat chick? Seriously?

Bethany shows Kim to a seat in the classroom, where an actual lesson is going on. You’d think Kim would be very comfortable in this class, since like most places in her life she’s only the member of the Caucasian race there. But no: “30 seconds into it, I’m already on another planet. I’m already thinking about what I’m eating for lunch and what I’m doing for dinner. Classrooms are terrible.” So add ADD to Kim’s list of non-cancer maladies. Kim is taken to a mannequin head and handed a curling iron. She says she’s never seen an iron like this before and finds it impossible to use. This isn’t what Kim signed on for– she wants to learn about WIGS and wigs only. After all, she reminds us, she can pay people to do her hair. Kim, you ignorant slut. I hope your tuition deposit was non-refundable. Cut to:

Decorator Dwight strikes again!

Kandi and fiance AJ in the kitchen with Kandi’s daughter Riley and AJ’s youngest son, 5-year-old Jaden. Kandi tells Riley that since she’s marrying AJ, Jaden will become Riley’s brother. Riley says no, they’re just going to be friends. Kandi pulls Riley into the pinkest bedroom on earth for a heart-to-heart. Riley says it’s OK if Kandi gets married, but she’s not “excited” about it, or the fact that she will have six new siblings. Kandi interviews that it’ll take time for Riley to get used to the new arrangement but that she thinks being part of a big new family is the best thing for her. Cut to:

Sheree driving and tormenting her party-planner via cell. She indignantly interviews that Anthony “kinda got mad” at her questions, having the nerve to give her “attitude” and telling her that HE has final say. Then he hangs up on her! In his defense, they neglected to show us the 19 other calls Sheree must have made that day. Let’s face it, this bitch makes The Countess look low-maintenance.

Girl, why you got a 666 on your scalp?

Sheree walks into La Bellogique beauty salon and tells Lawrence, her very “Men On Film” hairstylist that she’s stressed and it’s all Anthony’s fault. How could a professional person talk to her like that? Lawrence agrees: “Das some BULLLL-sheeyit!” The Independence Party is in five days. What is Sheree going to do? Lawrence says she needs to be firm. “Call him up and let him know U da boss, bitch!” Um, wait… shouldn’t that be “I da boss, bitch!”??? The way he said it, I’m pretty sure Lawrence just called Sheree a bitch. Unless boss-bitch is a compound word. OK, I feel like a ghetto language arts teacher. Cut to:

Sheree, in power-Uggs, arrives at party-planning HQ to show those bitches she is one boss boss-bitch! “Like I told him in the beginning, I want to be 100% involved in the planning of this party,” Sheree interviews. Sheree doesn’t take her shades off in the meeting. Polite tension hangs in the air like Glow by J Lo on a muggy Georgia afternoon. The party is in four days. Anthony says everything’s fine: The theme of the event is Queen of the Night, hunks will carry her in, throw rose petals around and then remain at her beck and call. Just like real slaves. Then there’s the poet– Sheree interrupts him: “I still haven’t talked to the poet.” Anthony says they’ll do a conference call with him right now. Then he makes the fatal mistake of saying he’d tried “several times” to get in touch with Sheree to set this up.

Sheree wants to know why he didn’t leave any messages. Anthony hears the cork pop on the bottle of whup-ass and hastily says his assistant should have done that– Sheree: The thing is, if we’re gonna do this, I want us to be on the same page. And if I axe you something, no matter how many times I ask you… I don’t expect you to say “We already had that conversation.” Anthony decides to go down swinging. He says he’s a top-level executive and she needs to respect his time. Not tell him she’s going to meet him at the prop house and then cancel.

You’re rude, narcissistic…

“You axed me on the day of!” Sheree snaps. Anthony says it was the day before. “No, HONEY, you axed me the day OF!” Sheree accuses him of “over-exaggerating” and promising her a helicopter. Yeah… I’m pretty sure that was Sheree’s idea. Sheree interviews that Anthony is incompetent and a liar. She tells him she wants to deal with Keisha. Anthony: This is my event. You deal with me or you deal with no one! Sheree: How’ bout I don’t wanna deal with you. A: OK, then you need to take your event and your ATTITUDE– you need a reality check! S: No, YOU need a reality check! Sheree says Keisha’s the one with the connections, not him. Anthony wags a finger as he invites her to Google him and check his resume. Sheree: You need to get your finger out my face. A: You need to watch yo’self before you get checked, b– He wisely cuts himself off, then Sheree delivers the best line of the show: Who gon’ check me, Boo? Sheree interviews that this is the point where everything went “haywire”.

…and you named your son after some ghetto-ass pancake syrup!

They explode into a full-on diva drag-out that must be heard to be appreciated fully. They’re both doing simultaneous screaming rants, so it’s hard to catch every word, but Sheree tells Anthony to “Eat me” while pointing to her cooch, he calls her a trashy bitch and gets in a “Yo Mama!”, and Sheree counters with “Fat-Ass!” and dares him to “put your hands on me” before Anthony’s staff separates them and hauls Anthony out of the room. “What happened to customer service?” Sheree interview-sighs.

This is followed by a cram-packed two-minute super-tease of upcoming scenes, but I didn’t watch it. I don’t want anything to spoil any of the jaw-dropping hideousness that is this show.

OK, one little peek.

Please share your reactions to the show and the blog. I look forward to servicing you.

Besos mojados!

LLB