Real Housewives of Atlanta: Unbeweavable: Cirque de So-Gay

Hi Gasmii–

If everyone will promise not to lose their shit, I’ll skip the disclaimer advising the easily offended amongst you that the following may contain extreme sassiness, graphic recapture of stereotypical behavior, and utter disregard as to whether you’re offended. As long as you’re not bored, I’ve done my job, right? Vamos!

To ensure that you stay that way, I’ll dispense with re-recapping the final moments of NeNe and Sheree‘s abortive dinner with Kim. As everyone on Planet Reality definitely knows by now, things went off the rails pretty fast, resulting in Kim so fed up with Sheree and NeNe’s tag-team game of “Liar Liar” that she stormed out of Fab Restaurant followed by furious Sheree and curious NeNe. To try to make up for 2.5 minutes of recycled footage, there are a few new interview seconds, with NeNe reminding us this fracas took place at an upscale, crowded eatery.

Sheree is hellbent on “kicking Kim’s ass”, and tipsy NeNe attempts the tricky maneuver of inserting herself and her twins between moving trainwrecks. “Get outta my way, ya fuckin lyin whore! Grow up! You’re a fuckin 40-year-old woman! Get outta my fuckin face!” Kim drawls at Sheree, who peppers Kimmy with repeated “Fuckin’ liar!”s as NeNe genuinely tries to prevent a full-on cunt cat-fight.

Just pretend it’s Bob Whitfield’s nut-sac and yank hard.

“You have no class!” Kim screams at Sheree, who responds by grabbing a handful of blonde wig. Not one to suffer wig-abuse lightly, Kim orders Sheree to “Get your fuckin hands offa me, bitch!” and backs it up with a shove! NeNe interviews that she was afraid Sheree would “snatch” Kim baldheaded. Sheree hilariously clarifies via interview that she only “wanted to shift it a little bit.” (!!!!!!!)

NeNe tries to keep Kim from leaving, still clinging to her original intention of settling their differences and trying to get at (pardon me, Gasmii) the root of the argument. Kim interviews that Sheree was “very angry” because she “wanted to live off what [ex-husband] Bob Whitfield gave her and she didn’t get it.” What Sheree’s divorce settlement had to do with pulling Kim’s wig askew is NOT clarified. As a threesome, the gals move down the sidewalk, NeNe in the middle. “Your hair’s fake, too!” Kim fires at Sheree.

“I know you are, but what the fuck am I, beeeeyotch?!??!”

Sheree’s reply: “It’s a weave, boo. I can’t pull it off like you can.” “Get the fuck away from me!” Kim snaps, but clearly a little (so sorry) cowed at the thought of scrapping it out with Sheree, who would be as tough to best in a fight as any recently escaped psychopath. In case you were wondering, Kim interviews that “Sheree and I are over… as for NeNe, if she wants to be my friend, she has a whole lot of explaining to do.” Ignoring NeNe’s protests, Kim marches off into the night.

“What the hell is wrong with her?” Sheree asks NeNe, like S is an innocent bystander. Sheree tells NeNe she “would never have taken it there… we were in a restaurant… you know I’m like really trying to restrain myself”. So that’s why you followed her OUT of the restaurant to “kick her ass”! Kim is so wrong. Sheree so has class. NeNe dutifully mmm-hmms as Sheree defends herself and S reveals that S showed so much restraint S didn’t even go into all the lies K’s been telling around town about S.

Who gon’ caption this unflatterin’ photo, boo?

Sheree interviews that Kim is dramatic, full of lies and “really needs to be on medication. She is sick!” Sounds eerily familiar to those who read the Comments section of last week’s blog, the difference being my hata said my problems were caused by being ON medication. I can assure you, loyal friends, I have had no such difficulties since the time I combined half a Valium with a Cadillac margarita at a party thrown by one of the producers of Los Beltran, blacked out, and woke up with a recurring role on the show.

From the back of her chauffered car, NeNe interviews that she’s not sure what’ll become of her friendship with Kim, who’s putita non grata with both Sheree and Lisa and on shaky blonde ground with NeNe.

Another day. Twist tapas and sushi bar restaurant. Kim, wearing a somber studded black-leather minidress accented with a flight attendant scarf, meets her white friend Jodie, who resembles a big-boned Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger. Jodie says she just had to come– she’s only heard Kim cry twice: when K got divorced, and over “this”. Kim interviews that Jodie’s been her “best friend” for 11-12 years, so naturally Kim called her to Atlanta from Birmingham, Alabama to discuss the “very upsetting” NeNe/Sheree situation. Kim begins her explanation: Sheree claimed Kim called NeNe’s husband Gregg “broke-ass or broke-down or SOMETHIN….” which Kim says is ridiculous since she never would use words like that. Jodie agrees: “It’s not your lingo.” Kim would have used terms like “broke as hay-ell” or possibly “broke muthafucka”, but never “broke-ass”! That’s straight-up triflin!

I never woulda called her a shithead. I prefer “shitbird”!

Kim explains that Sheree was “fuckin possessed… she turned into the devil, yellin in my face, pointin in my face, tryin to pull my hair off. My wrist got cut, my bracelet’s missin,” Kim reports. How could Sheree accuse Kim of such blatant lies? “What kinda friend is that?” Kim interviews. She really needs Jodie’s input as an objective outsider looking in. The fact that Jodie wasn’t there, hasn’t seen the tape or spoken to the offending parties and must take Kim’s word as gospel matters not one flying fig, Gasmii. She drove 146.66 miles to support her troubled blonde pal! I just hope Bravo paid for Jodie’s gas, wine, tapas and/or sushi.

Jodie says NeNe and Kim’s daughter Brielle have a special bond and Kim agrees that NeNe “has a good heart” [under those bodacious bazooms]. Jodie thinks Kim’s relationship with NeNe is definitely worth saving. Kim, in a lacy baby-doll negligee number, thoughtfully interviews that friends are hard to find and that’s why she “kinda cherishes” them. If “cherish” means labeling them and their husbands lying whores and/or broke muthafuckas, Kim absolutely cherishes her friends. No argument here! Cut to:

NeNe and Lisa hike up a hill, which, Lisa tells NeNe, is good for the tush and calves. NeNe smacks herself on the ass to remind Lisa that “baby got back!” then recounts the dinner, which was “a trip! Kim brought a helmet with her… it was hilarious!” Lisa wants to know if Kim admitted to “talking about every last one of us”. NeNe says no. She tells Lisa “it got really heated” before Kim “stormed out of the restaurant”, forcing NeNe to follow in 5-inch heels. NeNe reenacts Sheree’s touching of Kim’s wig as Lisa chuckles in delighted disbelief.

NeNe’s true frenemy? Her bra.

Lisa interviews that Sheree “is going through a lot right now” what with Sheree’s quest for independence and self-discovery. Kim pushes the “wrong button” on Sheree, who was supposed to be a good friend of Kim’s. NeNe remembers last season at this time, S & K were “ebony and ivory twins”, resulting in a good laugh for the power-walking neighbors. FLASHBACK to the spa episode where Kim said Sheree had “the prettiest skin ever”, fawningly pronounced her divorcee pal “stupid-beautiful!” and was understandably flattered when Sheree said “You are too!” Well, they were both half-right.

NeNe advises Lisa that L, S & N not bother arguing with Kim anymore. Lisa agrees. Kim is “bona-fide crazy!” But, NeNe interviews, despite the “really bad times”, she’d like to make things work with Kim. Just no arguing. Got it? They arrive at NeNe’s new river-rock tract mansion and NeNe heads inside, stopping to do three or four jumping-jacks on her doorstep before going inside for, I’d reckon, a healthy “glass of mimosa”. Lisa says she’ll jog home, interviewing that NeNe may feel a deep need to repair things with Kim, but as far as Lisa’s concerned, Kim will always be a full-on nutbag. Cut to:

Mmmmmmmm…. funnel cakes. Sorry, Gasmii. I’m just starving.

Peachtree Rides, a charmingly tacky mini-amusement park. Kandi buys four tickets, for herself and 6-yerar-old daughter Riley, and Kandi’s friend Jing Jing and her bambina. Kandi says she’d like to plan a family vacation to someplace like Disney World with her fiance AJ and some of his six moppets. Kandi also mentions her mother Joyce is still upset Kandi’s going to marry a man with so many kids. Kandi’s tempted to skirt the drama and run off to Vegas with AJ to get hitched and “not even tell nobody!” Jing Jing hates the thought of Kandi being deprived a proper wedding with all the trimmings, since Kandi’s never been married.

Kandi tells Jing Jing that Kandi’s been invited to a party tonight thrown by NeNe’s gay, Dwight. Jing Jing is well-acquainted with pretty-footed bon vivant Dwight, who shows up at Jing Jing’s place of business ( a doctor’s office) with wine in the middle of the day. Kandi interviews that she combats the rampant gossipiness of Atlanta social life by spending as much quality time with family, plus friends she can trust. Kandi begs Jing Jing to accompany her to Dwight’s shindig, since JJ knows him. Cut to:

You’d look this unhinged, too….

Mega-Queen Dwight preparing the space for his big gay bash. A work crew hangs drapes from the ceiling and sets up tables, which Dwight fruitily fusses over, rejecting tablecloths and acting like his fabulous, bossy, pillow-munching self. NeNe interviews that Dwight is known for his lavish parties and is “over the top and very different”. From whom, exactly? No one on this network, sistah! Curled up like a wigless Diahann Carroll, Dwight interviews that this particular fiesta is his 50th birthday party. “We have animals coming from the ceiling, we have transformed humans into animals, we’re allowing our fantasy to come alive!” Quick cuts tease us with muscle-slabbed hunks in bikini briefs and sarongs getting made up into what look like chorus boys from a Broadway musical version of The Island of Dr Moreau.

…if this was jumping out of YOUR birthday cake.

Dwight admits he’s “a stinker on details” then tells a staff member he hates crooked candles. He wants to inspect the crystal and silverware beforehand and taste all the food. He likes his shrimp “crispy and cool”. He likes his hot food hot. And he likes his models’ scrotums hairless and their buttholes smooth and pouty. These poor bastards better get it right, cuz when Dwight makes his entrance at 9:00 tonight, it better look like

Martha Stewart with jungle fever, or Dwight’ll be wearing your balls for earrings, bitches!

Envious much?

“It’s all about me tonight,” Dwight clucks redundantly, channeling Sheree. (Except this party will actually happen.) Inspired by equal parts of two of your recap artist’s fave films, Showgirls and Caligula, Dwight descends upon the make-up room, where beauties and so-so’s of both sexes are being tricked out as jungle beasts. “What is she?” he asks a make-up artist about a girl. “A leopard.” “Give me more,” Dwight snips, launching into an imperious monologue I have no choice but to relay to you word for word for word, queridos Gasmii:

“This is a birthday party and a production. I want high drammer ALL NIGHT LONG. (INSPECTING A MODEL) The make-up is flawless. Beautiful. Next! (TO WOMAN IN TUCK & BOOST) I want to see this more. Push ‘em up. Bend over, push ‘em up. Yeah! I want to see breastseses, melons. (TO WOMAN WITH HUGE TITS) Love alla dat. Gorgeous. Sex sells! I wanna see a lot of sexuality. Birds, I want you to act like a bird, look like a bird, BE A BIRD. Whatever the animal is, you should feel that. You all are here to perform for the gods. This is your last performance in life. GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT. Thank you!” Dwight flits off. Cut to:

Kim arrives at her dermatologist’s office. Dr Cole will see her now. How convenient! Kim interviews that instead of going to the gym, she goes to the surgeon. I wonder if he will lay Kim out on a table, remove her wig for martinizing, then detach Kim’s various body parts for individual buffing and tightening before re-assembly and a state-of-the-art anal bleaching. Instead, Kim drops trou, lies on her stomach, and receives some kind of high-tech treatment called VelaShape, which consists of a precisely heated massage wand applied to her thighs to iron out the cottage cheese, or “celluloid”, as Kim probably refers to it.

“I think there’s some Top Ramen in the hurricane kit…”

“You gonna boil the fat on my thighs?” Kim quips, then tells us she focuses on texting while the doc works his magic on her admittedly non-thunderous thighs. Kim interviews that she gets bored during this procedure, which takes entirely too long. Showing off a wristwatch that retails more than an entire new double-wide and probably cost her a weekend of ass-play and swallowing with Big Poppa, her married ex-lover, Kim remembers she has children and calls her daughters Ariane and Brielle, who report that they learned nothing in private school today. Kim interviews that VelaShape costs, “a couple grand… hell, I don’t know… maybe three thousand? I don’t what I paid. I just put it on my card.” Shockingly, Dr Cole announces that Kim’s thighs are showing definite improvement. Christ, he must fuckin love Kim. Cut to:

NeNe and Sheree in their town car on the way to Dwight’s party. Presumably referring to their last night out with Kim, NeNe remarks that the last time she saw Sheree, S was running up and down the sidewalk. Sheree laughs at this, and repeats that she didn’t intend to snatch Kim baldheaded, she just wanted to “shift it.” In case Trig Palin happens to be watching, Sheree re-interviews that Kim is “a habitual liar and she’s tellin lies on me and everyone else and we kind of got into a little brawl.”

Am I the only one noticing that so far NOTHING has happened in this episode??! We get it! Kim’s a lying twat. We saw it! You yanked on her wig. Sweet Baby Jesus, you own a gun, honey! Use it before every Gasmi switches over to the atrocity known as Miami Social. NeNe says she’s going to drop by Kim’s to “visit with the girls” while “keeping an open mind”. Lisa won’t be coming to the party– she’s “busy with her kids tonight”, and since Lisa only has one, NeNe must be referring to all the potential kids she and her stupendously fuckable husband Ed are currently trying to make. Cut to:

You gotta admit, this beats a free entree at Denny’s.

An obscenely huge limo pulls up and a posse of jungle-chic models spills out, followed by Dwight, who makes a grand entrance flanked by zebra-clad Josephine Baker knock-offs. NeNe interviews that Dwight packs his parties with gay, straight, young and old– “Dwight is loved by so many people!” Sheree interviews that Dwight is “flamboyant and out there”, and while S would never throw a pan-sexual Fellini-esque party like this herself (no shit, babe, just ask not-gay Anthony), but for Dwight it works. Sheree probably thinks “Fellini” is something you eat with shredded parmesan and marinara.

“Tyler Perry! How good of you to come! Love the purple!”

“Let’s party Get your ass up!” Dwight drawls, embracing guests while models on swings sway overhead and the paid atmosphere stand whipping bolts of silk around and flexing their naked muscles for champagne-swigging DL-types. Obviously three sheets to the wind, Dwight starts lifting guests’ dresses to see if they’re wearing panties. He’s also into boobs: “Your melons feel wonderful! I like all these breasteses on me,” Dwight says, posing for pics with NeNe and Sheree. Dwight looks like an exhibit at the House of Wax.

“Hands off the boy in the tiger thong or I WILL cut your ass…”

Kandi and Jing Jing arrive, dolled up to the max, and exchange hugs with NeNe, who introduces Kandi to Sheree and Dwight. More hugs. Dwight is quite taken with Kandi and has her spin around so Dwight can evaluate her. Then he grabs her tits, subjecting her to hag-rape. (NOUN: The molestation of a fag hag by an openly gay man, usually committed under the influence of alcohol and/or Extasy. Breasts are often the focal point of the attack, and their admiration can lead to strenuous fondling, squeezing, motor-boating or nipple-tweakage. First-degree hag-rape involves the vagina and is often accompanied by full-body frottage.) Kandi interviews that meeting Dwight can be “overwhelming” and “over the top”. Whatvevs, mijos. She’s just lucky Brad from Real Housewives of NYC isn’t there.

Bye-bye, dignity!

Kandi says she rarely drinks alcohol and asks for some water. Sheree gleefully interviews that they’ve finally found a designated driver. A woman dressed as an extra in Passion of the Christ in a hooded robe made of what looks like hotel towels grabs the mic and demands everyone pay attention to Dwight, who’s celebrating 50 of the gayest years ever lived. Sheree interviews that her first impression is that Kandi is a lot like her, “very reserved, very quiet”. I’m a recap artist, not a reality TV editor, but it seems like this is the perfect place for a montage of Sheree acting like a big bossy cunt.

Kandi diplomatically interviews that she doesn’t know much about Sheree, just what she’s heard. I’m guessing Kandi has access to Season One of this show and she better watch them all fast and interact with Sheree accordingly. Cut to:

NeNe calls Kim from N’s back porch. On speaker, for some reason, Kim sounds like a middle-aged male child molester, but agrees to a visit at Kim’s house at 5:00 this afternoon. Cut to:

He’s actually trying to look interested! Oh, Ed… (SIGH) I don’t know about you, Gasmii, but I would crawl naked over a football field of broken glass and shared drug needles to masturbate in his shadow. I’m just sayin’…

Lisa and Godiva Candy-Man husband Ed meet up with Lisa’s stylist, Tracy Sipp, a buff gentleman with a shaved head who wears sunglasses indoors. Lisa interviews that with the real estate market in a slump, she’s focusing on her other endeavors, including a project she’s doing with Ed, a clothing line called Closet Freak. “Lower end, kind of casual stuff. I don’t want my stuff to be high end like this,”, Lisa says, indicating the billowy African-print blouse she’s wearing that makes her look like she’s about to get her hair done at the beauty school annex of Oprah Winfrey’s Leadership Academy. Lisa’s hired a designer, Evelyn Lambert. In the RHOA label-naming sweepstakes, Closet Freak sure beats the hell out of…

…this.

CF “was created to instill confidence in women worldwide,” Lisa explains, “so you don’t have to dress provocative…” Lisa’s clothing will allow women to be “sophisticated, elegant, lady-like in the streets. Some things should be left for the bedroom, right, Ed?” says Lisa, the woman who just last week submitted to an impregnation-themed on-camera bubble-bath with her achingly edible husband. “You cannot show the goods to everybody!” she chirps.

Evelyn is on board, natch You don’t have to expose it. Leave a little to the imagination. Lisa diplomatically interviews that she’s aware of She by Sheree, but Lisa has “known about fashion for a very long time”, and helped develop more than one clothing line. She says you need to be seriously business-minded to pull it off, implying that Sheree is a rank amateur whose only hope of getting her vanity line on a real runway is if a suitcase of cheap samples fell out of a plane and blew across the tarmac. She tells Evelyn that she wants to do a fashion show, so show me the goods!

I’m guessing his other clients include Heidi Klum and Lisa Lampanelli.

Evelyn says her main focus was making comfortable clothes that could be dressed up or dressed down. As a former teen model, I’ve never really seen an example of dressing an outfit down and am not sure what that would entail… maybe your welfare check stuck to it somewhere by a cum-stain? Where were we? Oh, yes. Evelyn wants to show Sheree sketches of jumpsuits. “I love jumpsuits!” Lisa says. Ed just sits there, probably wondering when their next baby-making session is. I’m here for you, Eddie. And I wouldn’t make you pretend you give a shit about some fashion line that empowers women who want to look more modest. Call me. (Gasmii, I know. That’s ridiculous. How would Ed call me? I live in Los Angeles and there are dozens of LaBiblia’s listed in the phone book or on related websites. The best thing to do, Ed, is send me a Comment on this site. Give me a secret signal so I know it’s really you, my choco-luscious darling.)

Lisa says she likes “the detail on the front” of one of the 100% cotton creations, which will be “affordably priced” at $300 on down. To paraphrase Sheree in Episode One: Who gon’ pay three benjamins for a jumpsuit, boo?!? Elvis is dead, honey. When Evelyn says a sample can be made “in a day or two”, Tracy, the hunkiest gay fashionista since Rami Kashou on Project Runway, cattily adds, “Not a day or two like Sheree’s”! “Ooooh,” Lisa says, acknowledging the dig, bursts out laughing, then interviews that last year Sheree had a fashion show “with no clothing” and that’s not an option for Closet Freak.

“Closet Freak? Don’t you mean Closet Fug?”

Sheree pops up to interview that “a lot of people don’t realize how much work it actually takes to put together a fashion line”. Well, dear, if they don’t, it’s because of all the celebs and quasi-celebs and celebutards who plunk down a little cash and then say they’ve started a fashion line. Sheree goes on to say that “we know” Lisa isn’t “that into” fashion and not designing the line herself, unlike Sheree, who pulled a total Olsen Twins by forcing her designer to run every She by Sheree concept past Lady Miss She-She for her oh-so-qualified-and-helpful notes, which, if I recall correctly, consisted of jewels like “make those shoulder pads pointier”. Sheree adds “that it’d be fair to say the designer is actually doing everything for Lisa”. It’d also be fair to say that throwing a fashion show party and then not showing any fashions there is dreadfully fucked-up.

“Sheer Shit by Sheree is more like it!”

Lisa, of course, has Sheree’s number (yes, you’re right it: it’s 666) and interviews that although Sheree calls herself a designer, she neither sketches nor sews, so she’s really exactly like Lisa, except for said number burned into her scalp, of course. Ed, Lisa and the fashion mavens clink a toast to “big things”, which probably means success with the line but in my hot-blooded Latina mind means Ed’s massive hard custard-cannon. Cut to:

Sheree’s new tract mini-mansion. She has a portfolio out and is staring at the She by Sheree logo sketch while she makes a call to Casey, her sew-slave. Casey has a Jamaican accent, adding to the whole Kathie Lee overworked sweatshop vibe. Sheree wants to see it on a model and “I’m sure I’ll have some tweaks and some changes I’ll wanna make,” she says. It’s only a one-way call, so we don’t get to see poor Casey flipping her phone the bird, knowing damn well Sheree doesn’t know shit about designing fashion but feels the need of insecure hack bosses everywhere to force their useless input on people who are actually skilled at something. And no, Digitaldiva, nobody edits this blog. Please stop analyzing me!

“No! Only one bathroom break an hour or I’m calling I.N.S.”

Sheree interviews that she’s “been workin real hard on my clothing line, She by Sheree.” Since, as Lisa pointed out, Girlfriend can’t sketch or sew, “workin real hard” seems to consist of repeatedly leafing through a portfolio of sketches she paid someone else to do (well, MAYBE she paid them… there IS that bounced-check-at-Neiman’s-for-shoes rumor which I am only too happy to help spread here).

“I am totally hands on,” Sheree insists. She’s back and forth to New York, where Casey is chained to her sewing machine, she’s at fabric stores picking out fabrics and buttons and things– she’s Tim Gunn with grammar issues! “This is my baby, I’m birthing it!” she proclaims. Actually, you already have two real babies and maybe you should be spending your fashion playtime with them to help counteract the fall-out from them seeing their mom cat-fighting in reality TV promos. But I’m a recap artist, not a licensed social worker, so you can take that or leave it.

Sheree welcomes her friend Tania, the one who introduced stable, serene Sheree to the wonderful world of weaponry last week. Tania’s an ex-model who knows A LOT about fashion so Sheree wants her input on the upcoming line. Tania’s a young, hot, Halle Berry-esque ex-military chick and former fashion model who’s also adept at firearms. Sounds like a TV pilot, Michael Bay! Sheree must REALLY have no friends for her to put up with Tania’s attractiveness. Either that, or Tania’s secretly evil, too, and the two of them go around committing serial killings like Henry Lee Lucas and Ottis Toole.

Sheree starts working hard right away, flipping the portfolio pages for Tania’s comments: “That’s really nice…. that’s so you… very Michelle Obama-ish!” Tania interviews: “She has this keen eye that’s just amazing! She can take a t-shirt, a pair of jeans, a belt, accessories and put them all together and look like a million bucks!” OK, now I’m starting to get why Sheree keeps her around. Even though with Sheree’s love of overpriced goodies, the outfit Tania described might easily COST a million bucks.

Nice coloring job, Sheree! You stayed inside the lines so you get a gold star!

Sheree tells her that there’s “a lot of blood, shed and tears in this!” LOL. Maybe she means Shedd’s Spread. With what she pays Casey, it’s very possible the gal has to forego actual butter when she’s allowed to go out to buy food. Sheree pipe-dreams aloud that she’s aiming for higher-end boutiques, or department stores like Saks, Bergdorf or Neiman Marcus. If Neiman’s buys the collection, they can deduct Sheree’s NSF fees from the wholesale price. Everybody wins! Sheree admits that she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to handle it when she walks down the street and sees people in her clothes. “I’ll be like ‘I made that! Oh, my gosh, are you kidding?’” Uh, yes, they’re kidding, and no, you won’t have made that. A Honduran seven-year-old will have.

Tania interviews that she was at Sheree’s “viewing” last year and witnessed the “snafu” involving the absence of any actual clothing. This cues a great FLASHBACK of that abortive glam-fest, with Sheree vent-ranting to then new BFF Kim about the samples her ex-seamstress (or make that LATE seamstress if my serial killer theory is true) sent her. S: I wouldn’t wear that to bed! I just really wanna call her and curse her out. K: Call her! Then, S (on phone): You’ve ruined it! You’ve ruined my viewing!… I have all these people coming to a viewing tomorrow AND I HAVE NOTHING TO VIEW!

“And I told you to make a pair of panties for Kim! Girlfriend fixin’ to ruin my sofa!”

Sheree coyly interviews that last year there were “quite a few problems”, and Tania interview-concurs that this will be Sheree’s last chance to make a fashion splash. She cannot let her public down because “there will be no third chance”! Sheree says she’ll be going to New York to inspect Casey’s work in person, and is also throwing a housewarming party “with desserts everywhere” for some of her close friends. Sheree clarify-interrviews that this will NOT be a replacement for her divorce bash. She’ll be rescheduling the Independence Party soon. As soon as she can find suckers masochistic enough to do everything for it. Cut to:

NeNe arrives at Kim’s, laden with peace offering shopping bags containing gifts for Kim’s daughters, who aren’t home, possibly at the request of their therapists. NeNe says Kim’s gift is “conversation”. K: I don’t know if I want that. She’s kidding, sort of, but the editors make it look like NeNe finds this flip answer very worrisome. Over white wine, NeNe says she’s here to “chit-chat about the other night”. “Oh, good. I’m glad you want to talk about it,” Kim replies, but there’s something uppity in her voice. Sure enough, Kim wants to discuss Sheree: “She’s fuckin crazy!… I’ve been a good friend to Sheree, and [she] turns like that, on me?!” NeNe says she didn’t expect things to blow up like that, and Kim says then why’d NeNe and Sheree follow her outside Fab? NeNe says the reason was they weren’t finished talking yet.

“Because I had it!” Kim squawks. “Sheree is off the chain! When you [meaning S] keep accusing me of lies, what’s the point?!” NeNe finds that surprising, since last year Kim & Sheree were “twins”. FLASHBACK to the deliciously bonkers scene with K & S looking at photos together. “You and I look so much alike, you know that?” Kim tells her. They agree that they both have long, thin, gorgeous faces. Kim pronounces Sheree “the black version of me”. No, sweets, that’s RuPaul.

“OMG! You could, like, totally take my place at jury duty.”

NeNe brings the subject back to herself and Kim, saying NeNe really wants them to be friends and have fun together again. Kim tit-terviews that she’s not sure NeNe “can ever completely regain my trust”, but she’s fine with going out and getting hammered having fun with her. The two of them agree to start hanging out and call each other “bitch” to bury the hatchet. Awwww! Cut to:

Throwaway Minute Time. I wonder if Lisa is annoyed that these usually feature her. Since she doesn’t have family dysfunction, personality disorders or the name NeNe, she’s gotta take what she can get. Tonight it’s another meeting with her stylist and designer Tracy and Evelyn to discuss the upcoming Closet Freak fashion show. She says she asked NeNe to model in the show. Tracy says good, they’re planning on including one plus-size model. Lisa sweetly insists NeNe’s not plus-sized. Tracy says that means size 8 and up. Lisa thinks NeNe will quibble at an 8 being considered plus-size. Tracy says no way is NeNe an 8. Cut to:

Lisa drops in on NeNe, who’s looking a little plus-size in a crazy purple print dress. She has wine and cheese for them to catch up over. Lisa says she and Ed are trying for another baby. NeNe knows Lisa wants a girl this time. NeNe wanted a girl, but got her son Brentt instead, which was fine. Lisa says NeNe could still have a girl. NeNe: No, ma’am! Lisa says she brought Ed to the fertility clinic, which NeNe finds amusing. Will Ed have to “go into a little room and look at some magazines and masturbate?” Lisa doesn’t know, but would prefer Ed banging her instead. Wouldn’t we all, honey.

NeNe insists she’s way-done with having kids and “would not have a baby for NOBODY!” What if Gregg (Mr NeNe) wanted to have one? Sorry, uh-uh. Lisa asks if NeNe is on The Pill. NeNe says no. Lisa: Girl, you gonna have a baby. Lisa says she was on the NuvaRing, which NeNe’s heard of, but doesn’t like the idea of having to remove from herself. Lisa says it’s easy, you just hook it. NeNe thinks that sounds awful! She asks Lisa if she can feel it in there. No. Can Ed feel it? Lisa thinks not, but after some wild sex sessions, the ring HAS ended up on the floor, shaken loose by Ed’s massive man-meat and vigorous, bubble-butt-clenching thrusting. They both have a good laugh at this as I suddenly feel a bit light-headed.

NeNe demonstrates a foolproof way to stay un-pregnant.

NeNe brings up Sheree’s housewarming party, which they’re both attending. NeNe tells Lisa that Sheree and the kids had to move in 30 days because of impending foreclosure. NeNe doesn’t believe Sheree’s ex, Bob Whitfield, is broke, since he had a three-year NFL contract worth $2.5 million from 2006-08. “That muthafucka just didn’t wanna pay that mortgage.” NeNe tells Lisa divorce makes people do ugly things. (Add Sheree to that mix and it only gets uglier, Gasmii.) Lisa says she loves having NeNe as a neighbor. Cut to:

Kandi arrives at Aja Restaurant & Bar to meet her friend, the very blonde T-Boz from TLC (the group, not The Learning Channel). Kandi wrote their hit “No Scrubs”, and now both ladies are doing solo albums. T-Boz takes a gander at Kandi’s phat engagement ring (4 carats plus) and says that her limit as far as men-baggage is concerned is two kids and one baby-mama. Even if the baby-mamas are cool? Kandi asks worriedly. T-Boz wants to know how many baby-mamas is Kandi talking about? Not more than two?! Four, Kandi says sheepishly. “Papa was a rollin’ stone,” T-Boz quips, as Kandi explains that AJ had most of his kids when he was around 20 (he’s 34 now).

“Um, no disrespect, but YOU’RE the one who wrote ‘No Scrubs’, baby girl.”

Kandi changes the subject to T-Boz’s album, which Kandi wants to contribute a song to. T-Boz is all for it. They start to eat Asian food. T-Boz says she’s supposed to be on a diet– she has 21 days to get in shape for a concert in Japan. Kandi says she’s also trying to get svelte and that if she wasn’t in show biz, she’d have been fat a long time ago. To T-Boz’s shock, Kandi confesses she went to a weight loss clinic and it works– she’s lost seven pounds already. Kandi admits that she weighed 138, to which T-Boz mouths “That’s me!” I love that they gave this figure on the air, and if you’re reading this, and we all know how much you love “those damn blogs”, let me say on behalf of TVGasm you look great, Kandi! You, too, T-Boz. And eat some octopus tempura in Japan for me. Cut to:

Sheree is at home, getting professionally dolled up by her make-up artist and gay hairdresser. Sheree says her dog Max is coming to the party and that he’ll be wearing canine cologne, or “his smell-good”, as she calls it. Tonight is her “housewarming party”, Sheree interviews, using air-quotes for no reason I can think of, since there’s no way she told her guests “no gifts”, is there? Sheree has hired Jeff the Pastry Chef, Martin the Florist and Mark the Sommelier, which Sheree pronounces like Somali-ay, a country she should visit to see how people who can’t afford to perfume their pooches have to live. Sheree stomps into the kitchen and deems Jeff’s presentation “beautiful”.

“Just you tonight, or do the winged monkeys need their fur trimmed?”

Sheree interviews that she only invited “positive people”, but lest you think she’s treating HIV patients to a fabulous evening, the guests start to arrive and it’s the usual crew of spoiled “socialites”. Sheree is all air-kisses, hugs and giggles as she accepts compliments and shows the gals, including NeNe and Lisa and S’s gay weave-meister, around the new tract mansion. Lisa comments that Tania is very tall. And very tight, Tania playfully adds. I SWEAR THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. Is she drunk already? Lisa guesses Tania is a size zero. NeNe jokes that she’s getting Tania a sandwich. Tania insists she eats plenty: “I got room to grow, to be your size one day!” Yeah. She said that. To NeNe. Ho. Lee. Shit. She MUST be drunk. At the very least…

NeNe interviews: She was kinda like, you know, ‘I have enough room to be YOUR size.’ Well what fuckin size is that, bitch? Oh, no, you di’i'n’t! You tryin to call ME out? Oh, uh-uh, boo-boo.

Tania continues to reveal heretofore untapped reserves of outrageous cuntiness by next insulting Lisa. First, Tania sassily proclaims, “I’m 37 years old and don’t look it at all!” Then Lisa, obviously trying to take the subject off skinny bods for NeNe’s sake, tells Tania she loves her haircut. When Lisa tells Tania she loves short hair, Tania says “You gotta do something with all this stuff”, fingering Lisa’s curly tresses. Taken aback, Lisa says she can “work it wet, dry, whatever”, to which Tania shrilly and defensively replies “I can work it wet/dry, too!”

Yeah, she gotta tie it back so it don’t get in her face when she kicks your bony ass!

Lisa interviews disgust at Tania’s rudeness, which probably stems from envy of Lisa’s long, luxurious mane. And if Tania’s ever seen him, Lisa’s husband.

NeNe says Lisa has “wash & go” hair, which Tania bitch-corrects to “swimmer’s hair”, annoying Lisa further. Tania “jokes” that they should push Lisa in the pool, to which Lisa implies that nobody’s going to be pushing her into anything. Tania totters off, giving Lisa and NeNe time to vent to Sheree how offensive they find Sheree’s pal. Sheree gobbles cake and tries to stay out of it, then interviews that they just got off on the wrong foot. Sheree interviews that she thinks Tania took offense to NeNe’s comment about eating a sandwich and things went to shit from there. Sheree of course hilariously puts herself up as Miss Etiquette: “What happened to Hello? How are you? My name is…? What happened to that?”

Sheree admonishes NeNe & Lisa to play nice. Lisa says she felt attacked. Cut to:

Sheree interviews her dismay that NeNe & Lisa “got something with Tania”. Someone suggests NeNe & Lisa have a do-over “to change their energy”, so they grab their gifts (told you) and leave so they can re-enter. This seems to work. NeNe interviews that she and Lisa “can get really rowdy fast”, so she’s glad they dialed it down or they probably would’ve given Tania a DHBD (double-Housewife beat-down).

NeNe brought sage to “bless the house”. NeNe cackles that “We need to bless that bed!” They light it in the foyer and NeNe commands “all evil spirits” to “stop at the door”. NeNe: I feel like a witch! I love NeNe. Then Lisa has to cheese it up by getting all Christian and praying to Father God and Baby Jesus and shit. They tell Sheree to wish for her ideal man and of course the first word to come out of Sheree’s mouth is “successful” (translation: richer than Beyonce.)

“Begone, all evil things! Don’t worry, Sheree. If your name’s on the lease, you can stay.”

They sit everyone down on the couch for “girl talk”. NeNe says she’s been married the longest (12 years) and has a lot of wisdom for all of them. She says the key to a successful marriage is communication. Zzzzz. Cut to:

Sheree pigging out at the chocolate fountain. Maybe she’ll become horrifically fat and end the season looking like the wife on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne! Sheree interviews that having supportive friends around her makes her feel wonderful, then gathers them all together for a harmonious group shot. The End. So I guess no one’s getting the chocolate fountain thrown at them. Damn.

“Either I get photo approval or I rip your spleen out. Your choice, boo!”