Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Peaches – Reunion Tour ’08

It’s the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunited! I’ll tell you right now, cause it’s over a week later and I’m sure you’re dying of curiosity, we did not see Lisa slap Kimmie. I am terribly disappointed in Bravo. They’re losing Project Runway, don’t they know they have to do whatever they can to suck in viewers? But whatever, slap or no slap, it was still a pretty eventful reunion.

Not having cancer can really hurt, ok?

We are welcomed to the “historic Imperial Ballroom” in Atlanta. I have no idea either, but it sounds very fancy and our bedazzled peaches of course deserve nothing less. Let’s do wardrobe: Sheree’s in a grey knit dress that looks quite nice…except for the hole near the collar. Surely it’s part of the design, but it puzzles me to no end why there’s no hole on the other side of the collar. At one point I think I’m paying more attention to this than to what She by Sheree is saying. She’s got a ponytail weave on top of her head, and the hairdo is so shiny and glued together it looks like it was woven out of a Hefty bag.

That hair can hold thirty pounds of trash and not leak.

Kimmie’s got a bumblebee look in black pants, black vest and a yellow shirt. Her cheap doll wig cascades in all its glory, and the pancake makeup hasn’t much improved. Lisa looks gorgeous in some kind of catsuit, and what might be legwarmers which I’m totally down with. DeShawn also looks pretty in a red dress. NeNe’s decked out in purple, and NeNe’s got a new wig too! It’s short.

And that’s the first thing gay ol’ Andy Cohen wants to talk about with NeNe, the hair. “New look, new attitude, I love it!” she tells him enthusiastically. He then goes around the group saying introducing everyone, which after NeNe, is pretty uneventful until he gets to Sheree who breathes, “Hi, Andy” like he’s called the She by Sheree 1-800 party line.

They took my house! They took my weave! Nothing’s sacred!

And then it’s time for the grilling, and Kimmie’s up first. I would just like to say that throughout this interview, Andy showed definite bias toward NeNe and tried to take Sheree and Kimmie down, and I really appreciated that. I know, Kimmie’s kind of my girl, but if she felt forced to choose between NeNe and Sheree, then I feel forced to choose between NeNe and Kimmie (no one chooses Sheree, of course) and bottom line, no one trumps NeNe.

So anyway, Andy’s got passionate and pointed questions from the Bravo viewers, and the first one is that people refuse to believe that Kim’s twenty-nine years old. She readily agrees that she looks thirty-nine with all the makeup. The concession makes me giggle, cause really, who even thought thirty-nine? I was thinking like forty-five, but whatever. Kimmie thinks she’s being a good sport. Then Andy gets on her about how to spell C-A-T and she rolls her eyes and tells us she messed up and whatever, she’s human. “C-A-T!” she yells proudly to Andy, but it’s not that funny cause I think someone probably had to brief her on it.

At forty seven, I know how to spell khat, thank you very much.

Well, we move off Kimmie for a minute for a deep question about society – one of the viewers wants to know if they feel their portrayal on TV was good or bad for the black community. “For the black community?” Lisa Hartwell snaps back threateningly. Oh, watch your ass, Andy Cohen. Lisa doesn’t like the question. But Sheree does. She did feel weight representing the black community. It was a big deal that Bravo finally let African American women do the show, she tells us. It’s a lofty speech reminiscent of Halle Berry’s rehearsed Oscar moment. Please dear, you’re hardly the first black lady on television. Or a reality show, for that matter. Get over yourself.

And NeNe agrees with me, natch. She didn’t think about it, she just thought they were doing an African American show and it would be great. And she didn’t know there would be this much drama. Well, someone over in the casting department sure did, and they deserve a medal. Andy Cohen brings up that Anderson Cooper loves NeNe, and she tells us that she’s not surprised. Then she tells him to call her. Anderson Cooper’s so lucky.

Girl, you know he called her.

Then it’s time to really get down with NeNe. Andy asks her what the one word to describe her is. NeNe guesses “Fun!” and “Exciting!”, but Andy’s going with “BAM!” Okay, that works too. Then we go to NeNe’s greatest hits clip package, and it’s chock full of fabulous NeNe moments. She reminds us that she always “tells it like it is”. We wrap up with Curtis and the whole DNA thing, and Andy asks her if she’s had any contact with him. No, because a) she’s healing, and b) she thinks it’s his place to contact her. Considering he wasn’t even sure who she was when she called, I wouldn’t be holding my breath for that if I were NeNe. Andy asks if it was hard to go through on television. Considering the whole thing was probably a pre-condition of casting NeNe, I call moot question. Next.

And it’s Apple from Alabama who wants to know if it’s true that NeNe is…an ex-stripper!?!?! Who saw that coming? Did anyone know? Nothing about this surprises me, and sure enough NeNe doesn’t deny it. She just says that the “ex” part is wrong, because she currently strips most nights for Gregg. “And he has no problem with it. Apple.” NeNe adds pointedly.

And tell Gwyneth to make you go to school and stop watching reality shows, you little brat!

Then we get to NeNe and her big mouth. Andy wants to know the difference between “trash talking” and “telling it like it is”. Oooh, oooh, I know that one! Telling it like it is the one behind the back, and trash talking gets said to the face, right? No, says NeNe. Telling it like it is, that’s just being real and honest and true. Andy doesn’t buy it though, and asks the other housewives for a show of hands of who thinks NeNe is a trash talker. Surprise, surprise, Sheree does.

The last question for NeNe from the Bravo viewers is why, at her age (which is….what, precisely?) does she wear “cheap clothes that show your old gals sagging”? Oh my. But you know, I myself noted that the “old gals” didn’t have much buoyancy and suggested a new bra. But I didn’t email a comment to Bravo about it. So does that make me a trash talker, or telling it like it is? Let me know, Neens. Either way, NeNe’s response is that she likes her boobs a lot. That’s why I love NeNe, she totally owns it, even the saggy “old gals”.

A question from this Bravo viewer: why do you keep letting this saggy old gal on tv?

And then it’s time for Kimmie. Andy reminds her that she goes big wherever she goes. Big hair. Big car. And…Big Poppa! That brings us to Kimmie’s greatest hits clip package, chock full of Big Poppa buying her things over the phone, and her bratty eleven-going-on-mid-life-crisis daughter having a birthday party and accusing Kimmie of killing her with secondhand smoke. And then we get to Kimmie’s “God-given talent”, and it truly might be God’s gift, cause her singing gets funnier every time I hear it. I love the part where she’s checking her BlackBerry and singing her tone deaf song at the same time.

Post-clip, Andy sighs and tells Kim he doesn’t know where to begin. “Well, I don’t either, so figure it out,” Kim tosses off faux-casually. Andy gets right in there and tells her that he noticed her cringing when she saw herself singing. Kim admits that she did have “some work to do at that point”, but not to worry – the album’s coming out on January 9th! I can’t believe I just plugged it, but you gotta have some respect for anyone ballsy enough to let a camera follow them around singing like that.

But Andy’s not onboard. “What’s it called?” he challenges her when he hears news of the album. And Kimmie’s stumped. But she does know that Tightrope is the first single. And she’s also probably chosen the picture for the album cover and the exact jaunty angle she’ll wear her white tophat at for her first lip-synch performance. Then comes another question from one of the big, bad Bravo viewers. This one wants to know what everyone else with ears was wondering, and that’s why Kim’s calling herself a singer when she’s had no singing lessons or control over her vocals. Kimmie is shocked and affronted at the question. She reminds us that she doesn’t know if “one needs a lesson or a vocal coach.” Duh, if you show your boobs on your album cover what the hell do you need training for? Or even talent, for that matter?

It’s not like the bar’s really set all that hight lately.

And then it’s time for NeNe to own up to her opinion on Kimmie’s singing, and NeNe’s not holding back. No talent, she sniffs, and then reminds Andy that this is her opinion and she’s entitled to express it. Despite NeNe’s attempts at bringing the convo back to her and her opinion, Andy heads back over to Kimmie. It’s the end of the season, he encourages, just tell us who Big Poppa is. Kimmie says nothing, and truthfully she just looks kind of upset. I wonder if this is post-Lisa slap.

Anyway, Kim tells us that it’s on again, off again with Big Poppa, and that the show definitely had an impact on their relationship. It kind of doesn’t sound good. But really, if you’re a married guy with a secret lover, how can a reality show possibly be a good thing? And yes, Big Poppa is married, Kimmie confirms. Well, “legally” married, she specifies. That means she still believes the story about how he’s imminently leaving Mrs. Big Poppa. Somehow, NeNe manages to bring it back round to herself again, and next thing you know, it’s a one woman chorus of “Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married me!” (repeat three times – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, NeNe really knows how to stay on point).

This is her own “drill baby drill”.

And then we have our first really big fight of the night (or at least the first one we’re getting to see) with NeNe yelling at Kim that she’s trouble and that she lies every chance she gets. Then NeNe says what’s really been on her mind and that’s that she’s heard that Kim’s saying she would beat her ass, and she’d like to see that happen. Me too! Kim tells NeNe to grow up, NeNe repeats, “Grow up? Grow up?!?!” cause really, what’s more mature than two grown women yelling swear words and threatening to beat each other up on national television?

NeNe tries a new tack, telling Kim that she had said many times on tape that she was loyal to her. And Kim tells NeNe that she was loyal until the song in the limo. But I don’t know about that, it seemed like there was a lot of “Sheree, you’re beautiful, NeNe’s so unhappy with herself” that sort of precluded the limo song, you know? And I’m sorry, I just can’t get down on the limo song. It was a brilliant trigger event.

NeNe yells that she can say whatever she wants, and Kimmie tells her not at her expense. And that’s kind of the point. You can talk shit all you want, but not about your friends. Then NeNe starts yelling about Kimmie’s singing again, and Kim admits that what was filmed was “hilarious”, and to “watch, bitch” cause her (still untitled) album will be out first week in January. NeNe doesn’t like the “watch, bitch” part, and Lisa needs to hold her back as she lunges for Kimmie yelling that she’ll see her outside. Lisa finally calms NeNe down, and NeNe gives Andy permission to continue his interview with “this trashy hooker”.

I wish someone would trow a chair and break Andy’s nose.

And so with NeNe’s approval, Andy continues with Kimmie. He asks her if Big Poppa asked to remain anonymous. “No, he did not,” Kim snaps back defiantly, like this proves anything. And I mean, please. Like it was her idea to purchase voice disguising equipment. “And stay tuned,” Kim taunts, digging a really big hole, “You might see what happens next season!”

“He’s never leaving his wife for you!” yells NeNe out of nowhere. Oh how I love her. Lisa sits on NeNe’s lap to calm her, and then inexplicably, starts posing. Did she get confused and think it was a photo shoot? It’s Lisa Hartwell, after all. “We gonna set it straight to-day,” warns NeNe.

And indeed we are, cause the next question Andy goes for is Kim’s hair. Is it a wig? Kim tells us that she wants to address this with NeNe, from an emotional standpoint. This is the most horrible part and the best part of the reunion. Kimmie tells us that about three years ago she got very sick, and then she breaks into fake tears. Then she tells us she wasn’t going to cry, and then she tells us, through fake sobs, that she lost about twenty-five pounds, and started losing her hair…and her doctor, who was also her friend (and we’ve seen her lawyer, so we know the type of professional we’re dealing with here) told her that he thought it was cancer. And here’s where I start really paying attention.

I love the attempt at sincerity, but you can’t even fake it.

“So you had cancer?” Andy asks Kim, shocked. This was not covered in the pre-interview! And Kim says nothing. She sort of shakes her head. It’s not a confirmation, nor a denial. “I wouldn’t choose to walk around with a hairpiece,” she denies, quickly moving off the cancer thing to the real issue of the wig. NeNe, as shocked as everyone else, interrupts Kim to tell her that never knew that Kim was sick, and she thought she wore her wig for “style”.

But Andy Cohen, bless his heart, isn’t letting this cancer thing go. “Are you cancer free now?” he asks Kim suspiciously. And here where it gets horrible and brilliant all at the same time… “Turns out I didn’t have cancer,” Kim replies. “So you didn’t have cancer?” Andy confirms incredulously. “No, I did not,” Kim answers, now confidently. Even Kimmie isn’t stupid enough to think that she could get away with this whopper.

She oddly detours to a memory of sitting in Chili’s, waiting for her cancer test results, and how terrible it was. “I had some other problems,” poor, sickly Kimmie tells Andy, but she doesn’t want to talk about those problems here. Ummm, cause she’s making this shit up?!?!?! Who lies about having cancer as an excuse for wearing a wig? She waxes poetically to Andy about how having fake cancer changed her life, which he immediately jumps all over, asking if she’s quit smoking. She hasn’t by the way. Andy, and really, bless him, ends the segment confirming one last time, “So, you did not have cancer?”

No, goddammit! It was gonorrhea ok? I couldn’t even enjoy my awesome blossom!

Next up is DeShawn, who Andy charitably says “broke the mold” of being an athlete’s wife. Totally. Before DeShawn, I thought athlete’s wives were all about getting their hair and makeup done all day, and spending all their husband’s money on bling, and now…I realize that they do all that and start pretend foundations to pay for their staff! Of course, DeShawn nods sagely at Andy’s compliment. We see her greatest hits package, focusing on the doomed Diamond Gala. We get another look at the invite with DeShawn’s glamour shot, and I notice that not only has the DeShawn Snow Foundation blown who knows how much on hair, makeup, wardrobe and photography for this invite, but there was also a small fortune budgeted for airbrushing. Yay self esteem!

The package closes with Eric Snow being adorable and supportive after the disastrous gala, and Andy tells DeShawn that she has a good husband. He asks what Eric Snow thinks about the show, and DeShawn says he thinks it’s hilarious. See, someone gets that this is entertainment. Andy asks DeShawn what the fatal flaw was in the Hindenburg of galas, and DeShawn grudgingly admits that she could have been a tad bit more organized.

But she really doesn’t understand why everyone made such a big deal about it. “People took it so serious,” she complains, “I mean, it was serious,” she adds on at the end. When the goal was a million, it was the biggest deal ever, but when it tanked, it was all just for fun. Then DeShawn spews some crap from her foundation’s leaflets about how she always reaches for the stars, and if she falls she just gets up and reaches again. Well, first she makes a mid-party pit stop in her bedroom to throw herself on the bed sobbing and refusing to talk to anyone, but after that, she doesn’t bother getting distraught about it.

Making up wayward teens to raise money for is hard work. Do you know how many names I’ve had to come up for the tax forms?

Andy wastes a little more time pushing her about it, even though I kind of think we’re done here, and DeShawn finally says of course she didn’t want her big failure filmed for television, but the cameras were on, so what was she gonna do? Seriously, she made her peace and moved on. Let’s do the same. So Andy comes up with something about how Sheree didn’t do DeShawn’s fundraiser, and then she ditched the sunset barbeque, and does Sheree have a problem with DeShawn? “Absolutely not,” says Sheree. Seriously, I don’t think She by Sheree notices DeShawn enough to have formed an opinion about her.

But Sheree defends herself saying that when Lisa approached her about the auction, she told her to have DeShawn call her with more information. And DeShawn didn’t get around to calling Sheree until the day before the event, which, given the fact that this is DeShawn we’re talking about here, totally makes sense, and by the time DeShawn got out of the hair and makeup chair to make the damn call, Sheree had already decided not to do it. Also, she was having a facial when DeShawn called. Bottom line, Sheree tells DeShawn, she never reached out.

“Clearly, I don’t operate like that,” DeShawn says snootily. That would have required some organization, and advance planning, and clearly that’s not the way DeShawn operates. DeShawn says that it’s not a big deal that the other girls were “talking their stuff” about the gala. “If they’re not talking about you, you’re not making a difference,” she says loftily. Right. Because no publicity is bad publicity when it comes to a charitable foundation.

Ask her.

Andy’s next question for DeShawn is a beauty. One of the viewers wants to know how much DeShawn spends on staff salaries. “I don’t know,” DeShawn replies, obviously annoyed. Andy laughs at her, and makes a joke about how Eric Snow must do all the accounting, which DeShawn takes a big stand against with the news that she signs the checks. And DeShawn knows that as long as she’s got checks, there’s plenty of money in the account.

Then DeShawn gets up on her high horse about how she and Eric Snow started from nothing and they had no idea of the life God had in store for them. And if God thinks DeShawn is so wonderful and deserving that he gives her a full staff to cook and clean so she can focus on her kids and her community, what’s the big deal she wonders? Nothing at all…if she didn’t have a nanny and governess (just had to bring that one up) focusing on the kids and if her foundation actually did anything for the community. All DeShawn has to focus on is getting her hair and makeup done and complaining about the staff. But if she wants to believe this is what God had in mind, well, live and let live, I guess.

So, moving on to Lisa Hartwell. Andy tells Lisa that she makes the Energizer Bunny look slow, and she’s playing it cool, slumped over the sofa. Again, I wonder if this was post-slap? We get her greatest hits package where we’re reminded that work is her life and of Ed Hartwell and the NFL. We see her trying to get Sheree and NeNe to take a photo together, and then leading the Drinks & Dialogue Peace Summit Dinner. Post- clips, Andy asks Lisa if she’s the peacemaker of the group. She mumbles that she doesn’t know, and that she can be aggressive sometimes too.

This queen loves his job.

Lisa says that she just tries to be diplomatic and conduct business. Andy asks her if she thinks the five of them could ever be friends. Well, Lisa Harwell thinks there’s a lot of “water under the bridge”, which she says looking at Kim, who nods – again, post-slap? Either way, Lisa’s back to diplomacy pretty quick, and she says that all the women are special. Then she quickly catches us up on Ed Hartwell, who to her relief, was released from the Oakland Raiders, and denies one of the psycho Bravo viewers who wants her to send Ed Hartwell to Minnesota for a cuddle session. Get in line, dude.

And then it’s time to deconstruct Sheree. Andy tells her, none too sweetly, that she seems to have “unending confidence”. The first Bravo viewer tells her that she’s a cute girl, but why does she act like everyone wants to look like she does and wants what she has? Sheree vehemently denies this, even though I distinctly recall Sheree lounging around in a fur coat getting her picture taken at Lisa Hartwell’s Beauty & Booze party, asking what woman wouldn’t want to be her.

So, how’s your apartment treating you? All settled in?

Next, Andy pricks her with the divorce question. Sheree mumbles that she can’t talk about it because of her attorney. No dumbass, cause you probably messed up your settlement with all your prancing around on television talking about you need a seven figure settlement for your private shoe shopping sessions and to throw parties in honor of yourself.

Then we see Sheree’s greatest hits, starting with the tacky Louis Vuitton purse cake, and including the whole She by Sheree debacle. We close with Sheree saying that she’s thirty-eight, hot, glamorous and super-sexy. But the first question goes to Kim – one of the Bravo viewers wants to know why she’s always fawning over Sheree like she’s “God’s gift to beauty”. Kim and Sheree laugh about it and mimic themselves, even though they look pretty embarrassed. Then Andy asks NeNe what she thought about it, and she says she agrees they were ridiculous.

Just for fun, Andy asks when She by Sheree will hit stores. “Fall ’09,” Sheree says after a long pause. Meaning never, but she’s flexible. And the next question concerns the infamous She by Sheree line of maxi pads. One of the mean Bravo viewers wants to know how she’s claiming to be a fashion designer if she doesn’t sketch or sew and has no training in textiles. Seriously, what is it with these Bravo viewers and their insistence on talent and training? Like her sisters before her, Sheree laughs off this ridiculous concept, and explains that it’s her “vision”. And that actually, most designers don’t sketch or sew. Well, I’m happy to know that. I have always suspected that I’d be great on Project Runway. It was just that whole not knowing how to sketch or sew thing that was really holding me back, but She by Sheree has encouraged me to follow my dream. Hello, Tim Gunn. I have no clue. But I have a vision.

Um…no.

Next, Andy tells Sheree that she seems hard to please. No, she just has high expectations, she explains. Well, there you go. People with expectations are always hard to please. Then Andy wants to know how Sheree thinks she treats her staff. Sheree acts all in the know with him, and laughingly agrees that on TV it looked like she beat them and she doesn’t beat them! And then she repeats it like ten times. “I don’t beat them! I don’t beat them!,” she says laughing desperately/maniacally. Hmmm. Well, I wasn’t really thinking she beat them, I just thought she treated them like crap, but now that she’s protesting so much, I’m getting other ideas.

And finally, Andy hits Sheree with the gold-digger accusation. And she plays it off with yet another rehearsed laugh, pretending not to even know what a gold-digger is. Like she’s never even heard of the word before. Gold-digger? Sheree doesn’t know what that is. Is there a shovel involved? You betcha. Anyway, Andy plays along, and explains that a gold-digger is someone who goes after men for their money. Well, that’s clearly not her because Sheree doesn’t go after men, she counters haughtily. Andy tells her She by Sheree isn’t going to keep her warm at night, and Sheree says the one likeable thing she says all night, that that’s what her covers are for.

And then, like everything else, it’s time to bring NeNe back into the loop. She’s got bad blood with Sheree, you know. Flashback to Sheree saying NeNe needs to get a life, NeNe saying they will never be friends, Sheree saying NeNe is miserable and so on and so on. Back in the studio, Sheree flips her Hefty bag hair around and insists that she did not intentionally leave NeNe’s name off the list at her talk of the town party. NeNe calls nonsense and reminds Sheree that she was there with a camera crew. Oh come on NeNe, what do you want, Sheree to admit that Bravo made her do it?

NeNe and Sheree talk about old times, and how they used to be besties. Never had a fight, traveled together, confided in each other…I really wonder what happened. But all they give us is that there was a falling out over a party. But not the talk of the town party? I just want to know more.

Tee hee so what do you think about everyone in America calling you an asshole tee hee?

Then Sheree has to be a total bitch and remind everyone of her comment about not putting NeNe and fashion in the same sentence, but NeNe doesn’t take the bait. She says that’s just Sheree’s opinion, and she’s not trying to please Sheree or anyone else. “I’m happy with the fashions that I wear,” NeNe tells the world. We know you are NeNe, and we love you for it.

But we’re not done with NeNe and Sheree. Sheree tells us that she reached out to NeNe. Sheree thought they could be “cordial”, but then she started hearing things. NeNe interrupts Sheree at this point to tell her this was the problem, she was hearing things from people – “Who are these people?” NeNe wants to know. Let me give you a list, Sheree tells her. Well, then.

NeNe insists that she has better things to do than sit around talking about Sheree all day. And then she says Sheree was the one talking about her. This degenerates into an argument about whether Sheree saying NeNe’s not happy with herself is considered talking about her. Sheree, the Ron Burgundy of Atlanta, says she always keeps it classy, NeNe says she doesn’t and finally Andy chimes in to say there were ugly things said on all sides. And finally, we’re done with this topic.

Now it’s time for NeNe and Kimmie. Obviously, the only possible flashback to go to is the song in the limo incident. But after viewing it, and this is why I’m so loving Andy Cohen, instead of taking NeNe to task for the mean song, he asks her if she was surprised by all the mean things Kim was saying about her!

Victim.

They talk about the spa day, and NeNe explains to Kimmie that she didn’t want to spend a relaxing spa day with Sheree, someone she was “having a beef with”. Kim keeps trying to talk, but it’s not going well. NeNe ends her rant with the accusation that Kim was playing both sides of the fence.

Then Kimmie has the balls to say something to NeNe about how she was working on her “pretend foundation”, and that’s all it takes to get NeNe’s panties all twisted again. “I own the rights to Twisted Hearts, sweetie, and if you don’t believe me go to the court house and look it up,” she says with head roll. That shuts everyone up for a good few seconds.

Then Andy asks the group who thinks Kim played both sides of the fence. Kimmie explains that she just got to know Sheree really fast, they had dinner and then this and that, and next thing you know, instant besties. And then Kimmie doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Can’t we talk about Tightrope again?

But the hardass Bravo viewers still aren’t done with Kimmie. Wow! One of them asks her why she was two-faced. And once again, Kimmie circles back to the song in the limo by way of explanation. But now, Andy wants to know how Kimmie found out about it. Awkward silence ensues, and I totally know what’s going on – Lisa told Sheree, who told Kimmie, but Kimmie’s scared shitless of psycho Lisa right now and she’s afraid to incriminate her.

Hit her!

But Kimmie ignores the daggers Lisa’s shooting her, and forges ahead and says that Sheree told her about it…and then they got Lisa on the phone. And Lisa goes bananas. “Your story doesn’t add up!” she yells. Lisa starts carrying on about how she and Kimmie were never friends, and Kimmie’s yelling about how Lisa was right there on speakerphone, and then Lisa tells Kimmie she’s a habitual liar and she needs medication. Again, was this pre or post slap? I still can’t believe Bravo denied us.

Andy pressures Lisa for details on Kimmie’s lies, and she brings up the cancer thing, because hello, and then Kimmie gets mad and yells, “Who gives a fuck if I have a wig on?” Lisa tells her she feels sorry for her, she’s pathetic, she’ll flip her over the couch, and ends her speech with a threatening, “I am the wrong one. For real. For real.” For real? Andy asks DeShawn what she thinks. DeShawn stammers for a few seconds, and manages to spit out nothing. Thank you for your participation, sweetie.

Can I just take this time to ask for some donations?

Having successfully stirred everything up, Andy now tries to play Oprah with the girls. He tells Kim it seems as if she has ill feelings toward NeNe. Kim, realizing that She by Sheree will never be as much fun as Whoo Lord NeNe, backpedals like crazy and says that she was just hurt, and in retrospect, perhaps she overreacted to the song in the limo. And she clears up that she does not think NeNe is low budget. Says the lady with the polyester hair.

But Kimmie also argues that she doesn’t feel that she was manipulated by Sheree. She says that Sheree was pretty quiet on the topic, and didn’t steer Kimmie in either direction. Certainly, except for all the times she talked about how NeNe was a negative person, and how she can’t dress, Sheree was totally neutral.

Andy asks them if they have anything else they want to get off their chests, and NeNe brings up Kimmie’s comment about how she didn’t want to “eat chicken with NeNe”, and how she thought it was racist. “We had lamb and shrimp,” NeNe tells Kim accusingly. Okay, enough. That wasn’t racist. I’d hardly call African Americans and barbeque chicken mutually exclusive. It’s the south, for crying out loud.

And having dragged this one out to its limit, Andy asks the ladies if there’s any hope for their friendship. Kimmie, having seen the light, says she misses NeNe and had a good time with her. But NeNe’s not too hopeful. “I’m good on friends,” she tells Andy. Well, that’s that Kimmie. Enjoy your new life with She by Sheree.

Do you totally feel like you’re walking a tightrope right now?

And then it’s time to catch up with the honorary housewife…and it’s Celebrity Hairstylist, Dwight Eubanks! Suck-Up Cori must be so dying right now. We see Dwight’s greatest hits, which include NeNe telling her not to dress Bryson in pink, immediately followed by Dwight warning her, “Don’t provoke me.” Dwight enters wearing a rusty red ensemble, and now has a long black weave, and it’s downright frightening. He looks like a reject from Twilight – The Musical.

No words.

Dwight takes a seat between Kimmie and Sheree, and immediately starts complimenting both of them on their beauty like crazy. They laugh, but not really. He loves NeNe’s new look, he thinks Sheree looks very nice, but “this one right here,” he says to Kimmie, “we have to work on her.” He tells her they need to bring her hair into the 21st century. Sheree giggles next to him. NeNe would have slapped him upside the head. Good choice, Kimmie.

He calls the ladies “tres, tres déclassé,” and calls all the catfighting “unnecessary”. In what way, Dwight? Do you like your new status as Celebrity Stylist? Do you understand that no catfighting means no Season 2 and your heady rush of fame as the Honorary Housewife comes to a screeching halt? Get a grip, Dwight. Then he brags that he is a bigger diva than Sheree, although he never wanted to be a woman. “I love my toolbox,” he drawls. Thank you Dwight, that’s some lovely imagery to leave us with.

Andy wraps it up giving everyone a chance to plug their various fantasy projects. Kim talks about the album, Sheree talks about She by Sheree, DeShawn talks about the Masters in Divinity that she’s earning online, and NeNe’s working on her foundation and a book about domestic violence with Lisa. NeNe wraps it up by telling us that the experience has forever connected them, and she wouldn’t work with “no one but these four”.

And with that, we bid farewell to our Atlanta housewives. I’ll miss our tasty little reality peaches, but see you in January for a new crop of Real Worlders (and check back in a few days for the scintillating account of my afternoon in the Real World Brooklyn house) and most importantly, a new batch of Rock of Love hos! Kisses to all…

EVER