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Dear Gasmii,
I’m so sorry this week’s recap is late. What can I say? Manual labor does not agree with me and invariably leads to massive injury. Let me tell you, being stuck flat on my back is not helping me lose the holiday weight. On the other hand, those painkillers sure do make watching the OC housewives a hoot. A couple of those babies and Vicki starts to look like a well-adjusted, reasonable business woman, instead of the insane crack ho I know her to be; Tamra seems bright and witty; and Gretchen…well, Gretchen just needs to go back to where she belongs…
Don’t worry Gretchen, Auntie Chickbomb will be along to get you soon.
Feel free to join me in downing a few more painkillers before taking the jump…
Welcome to the surreal life of Bravo TV, where slumber parties and fatal illness intertwine as easily as stepmothers to be and potential stepsons.
You’re going to be the best stepmom, ever.
Morning at Jeff’s Gretchen’s house looks a lot like the morning after a particularly chummy slumber party, where three young adults and a bleached blond, plasticized, nymphet/mother figure frolic around in early morning attire. A knock at the front door alerts one of Gretchen’s little dogs to a visitor and Gretchen runs to answer it, because, hey, she’s seen the The Postman Rings Twice and besides it’s a guy in a uniform. What better way to lose some weight? Sadly, it’s a mailwoman. But all is not lost, she’s still carrying a pretty big package for the blond wonder. Whoopee!! Whoopee!!! A box for Gretchen. Whatever could it be? Why it’s her engagement ring.
The biggest diamond ever.
I must have a decidedly morbid nature because I can’t help but think that if my fiancé had been lying in the hospital dying when my engagement ring arrived, I would probably have burst into tears. Gretchen is made of sterner stuff than I am and she’s not going to let the small stuff get her down. At least, not now when there’s a diamond ring somewhere in that box. And how fun, another box inside the first box.. and another box…
There’s a moment of suspense. Will Gretchen be disappointed by the consistently shrinking boxes? I’m holding my breath as she pulls out the ring. If I’m going to watch this crap, I might as well get into it. Thank the Lord, the diamond is still huge and really, really shiny. But more importantly it’s huge.
A new addition to her collection.
We know that Gretchen is a fan of big, especially big and shiny, but, seriously, who would have thunk that she would be surprised into channeling the spirit of Gomer Pyle?
Oh my golly gaw gaw gaw!!
Just like any young newly engaged girl, who received her engagement ring through the mail without her fiancé present because he just happens to be mortally ill in the hospital, Gretchen runs around excitedly showing the ring off to everybody in the house. That group being comprised of Jeff’s kiddies, I can’t help thinking that this is a breach of engagement etiquette, but I suspect that this situation is so far removed from the norm that it hasn’t been covered. So, I’ll just have to go with a breach of common decency.
“The doctors are going to meet with us this afternoon…Look at my ring!!!
I don’t know if anybody else noticed this, but I’m pretty sure that Jeff’s daughters had Gretchen’s face up on their laptop and were morphing it into different shapes, while she was going on about her ring. I’m not completely sure about this, but I did rewind and pause my tape numerous times to check. If I’m right this is my best RHOC moment this season.
Note to editors: I love you.
Over at Lynne’s abode, Alexa is waiting for her off-again-on-again, fashion conscious boyfriend to appear. Alexa has decided to forgo the stripper clothes today, but mom is still sporting the trashy look. Of course, when you’re held upright by two over-inflated helium balloon attached to your ribcage, any hope of understated elegance has pretty much floated away.
Seriously, not elegant.
Alexa seems like a sweet girl, so it doesn’t really matter if her brain seems to process in slow motion. As the seconds, that seem like minutes, tick by, a look of concern settles over Alexa’s face. Lynne is mostly sober today so she notices her daughter’s frown and inquires what’s wrong. As she searches for an answer, Alexa wrinkles her brow in concentration prompting Lynne to leap for her cellphone, where she has her plastic surgeon’s emergency botox number pre-programmed into speed dial. But before Lynne can place the call, Alexa manages to articulate her deep and profound concerns, “It’s like, he’s late.”
Future World Chess Master.
Apparently, Lynne and Frankie haven’t yet had “The Talk” with their daughter. Note to Lynne: smarter girls than your daughter have gotten knocked up without the help of your wardrobe. So, please enlighten this girl about sex, STD’s, pregnancy and chastity belts. Sadly, Lynne appears to be so completely perplexed by her daughter’s developing sexuality that I’m a little worried her own parents never explained the facts of life to her.
In her foggy mind she may really believe that breasts are something that are implanted when a woman meets a wealthy man.
Leaving Lynne to figure out the mysteries of sex ed 101, we get to go visit with Jeana. I’m totally excited. I’m absolutely convinced that this segment is laying the groundwork for a RHOC spinoff show featuring my fav OC housewife. Anyhoo, Jeana is meeting with her ex-husband, Gary, who despite looking like John Goodman’s and Fred Flintstone’s love child, is actually kind of attractive.
Yaba daba doo!!
Sadly, Jeana’s new bed isn’t going to get much of a workout from this meeting. This is purely a business lunch. Like 90 percent of the adults on this show, Gary is in real estate. In fact, he has his own company and, after ten years with Remax, Jeana is looking for a change. With his current fiancé, Cynthia, heading up his escrow department, and his ex-wife coming on board as a sales agent, it’s going to be one big happy family over at Gary’s brokerage firm.
Normally, the editors give us the weekly girl get together in the last segment of the episode, but this week is special. All the girls, minus Vicki, are buying hats for the opening day at the Del Mar racetrack. And this time, they’re shopping in style. The producers have reserved a suite for them at the St Regis Hotel complete with champagne, food and a stylist with lots and lots of hats. I love hats, even if I am way too short to wear them with out looking like a mushroom. Sigh.
Some little birdy must have tipped off the stylist to these shiksas antics, because she’s looking like a nervous nanny who just got coerced into watching the neighbor’s devil children. But not to worry. The feuding blonds, Gretchen and Tamra, have made up, since last week’s spat, via e-mail; Lynne hasn’t yelled “cut” once; and Jeana’s being her normal laid back self, so maybe everybody will play nicely together. Not that any of these ladies are models of decorum, but Lynne does seem a little out of her element both in attitude and wardrobe.
Thanks, I order all my clothes from Frederick’s of Hollywood. They call it stripper couture.
Sadly, it seems that all this bonhomie is only a thin surface veneer and it quickly begins to crack under the pressure of finding just the right hat. Tamra is sadly cursed with a really small head that makes her look like a dork. Personally, I’m glad she pointed this out. I always thought she looked like a dork because her head was on the big side.
Tamra tells us that she’s extremely cautious when it comes to Gretchen because she hasn’t figured her out. I take this as proof that Tamra’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. In my mind Gretchen’s fairly straight forward and uncomplicated. Sort of like a blond Terminator, she’s programmed to acquire what she wants without question or remorse. The bigger, shinier, pinker and more expensive the item is, the more Gretchen is going to want it. Hot pink hats? Oh yeah, Gretchen’s going to want those. All of them. And a little thing like Tamra wanting to wear pink as well isn’t going to stop the Terminator.
The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till she moved on you before I could zero on her.
Sweeping everbody from her path, Gretchen has no problem grabbing every pink hat in the suite. Poor Tamra. A back-stabbing hangeroner just doesn’t have what it takes to stand up to an unstoppable cyborg narcissist. Sadly, Tamra’s forced to change the outfit she was planning on wearing to the races. I’m guessing that Gretchen wasn’t big on sharing her toys as a child.
Just because Vicki isn’t gracing the women with her stimulating presence, doesn’t mean that she isn’t going to participate. There are some days when even crack hos have to phone it in and this is just one of those days. It seems that Vicki wants the other women to take it upon themselves to purchase her a hat. And you know that crazy bitch is going to hate whatever they get her. BFF though she may be, backstabbing Tamra knows better than to let herself get sucked into Vicki’s whirlpool of discontent, and she says she wants no part in choosing the hat. Gretchen has no interest in helping with hats if they aren’t hot pink and intended for her. Lynne is pretty much wandering around in a valium/champagne haze. So, that leaves Jeana to find a hat for Vicki. Ultimately a hat that bears a strong resemblance to a bullseye is chosen, and the editors promptly treat us to flashbacks of the awesome football moment. You know they’re praying for her to wear it to the races so they can throw a horseshoe at her.
After three seasons, Jeana is wise in the ways of Vicki and calls her to give her a choice between the bullseye hat and a red hat. Oh Lord, Vicki hates red and definitely wants pink. But no, the blond Terminator has grabbed all of the pink hats and is planning on shooting anybody who goes near them. Besides, Gretchen’s planning on wearing pink to the races and anybody else wearing it will be destroyed at the gates.
If I find you another pink hat, you won’t kill me right?
While Vicki’s away from home, her college age son, Michael, who looks more like a chubby prebuscent cherub with his shirt off, decides to have all of his friends over for a beer, pool, grill bash. Woohoo, jumping off rocks holding bottles of beer is just the kind of thing that demonstrates real intelligence.
Darwin awards are something to be proud of, too.
Meanwhile his live-in girlfriend sits and watches with the same blank smile that she’s had since she appeared this season. I’m just betting she has model aspirations and is only shacking up at Vicki’s house for the summer so she gets some camera time. Will Michael get away with his little mombegone party? Hell no. Well, sort of. Noticing extra cars parked outside the house, Jeana calls Vicki to tip her off, and Vicki promptly calls home. Michael is way too busy tending to the grill by leaning his sweaty dripping body over the burgers to answer the phone. Luckily for him, he has a camera loving girlfriend who’s happy to talk to his mom and agree to enforce the Gunvalson house list of rules. My question about all this is, where the hell is Donn? Isn’t Vicki supposed to be at her ‘no husbands allowed/cabana boy only’ insurance conference?
Lauren hangs up the phone and reports that Jeana ratted them out. Michael gives his opinion that Jeana should mind her own business and spend some time selling Vicki’s house instead of just sitting home on her ass. Apparently, the little factor of the housing crash hasn’t really entered Michael’s reality. But reality or not, it’s official ‘let’s bash Jeana’ time and Lauren hops right on that bus. Oh dear, Lauren’s not nearly so pretty when she stops smiling. It’s a good thing that her boyfriend is just pudgly enough to make her look good.
“Hey Jeana, my future ex-wife just called you a bitch.
But back to the groundwork for what I hope will become Jeana’s reality show. Jeana is going out for a drink with her designer and new BFF, Kelli Ellis. Ha! Take that Vicki!! You’ve already been replaced. The owner of the bar comes over to assure Jeana that he’s been looking for her perfect man, and I’m thinking that whole new industry is opening up. Instead of using exclusive matchmaking sites, the wealthy single population is going with private relationship shoppers like the Millionaire Matchmaker. I totally think this is the way to go. I mean how can you not have anxiety about jumping back into the dating pool when you’ve been out of it for a really long time. Especially when you’ve spent the last 20 years with a dirtwad abusive a-hole who barks nasty things at you first thing in the morning. You go, Jeana. You’ve made your love nest and now it’s time to get your own show so we can watch you try and find the perfect man to fill it.
I could do my own show.
For those of us that have missed the sight of Lauri’s oddly restructured face, she’s baaacccckkkk!!! And she’s doing lunch with backstabbing Tamra. First topic of conversation? Tamra’s boobs. Seriously, who starts a luncheon date off by discussing the state of your fellow diner’s breasts. To inflate or reduce where are they now?
A woman who likes her twins to stand at attention when she salutes.
Lauri confesses that she misses hanging out with the girls, but Josh still has some major struggles to overcome. You know, his heroin addiction/stint in jail that was so well publicized last season. Nothing like a mom’s pet projects to catapult your life into the spotlight. But, now that she’s away from the distractions of her home life Lauri wants all of the dirt. Of course, if she can just hold on for a few months she’ll get to see it for herself, but Tamra’s only too happy to repeat the drama and launches into the story of Lake Havasu. Carefully purging the tale of her own testicle groping, water jet grinding escapades, she focuses on Jeana’s nasty perfidity of bringing her own friends into Vicki’s playland. Lauri agrees that Jeana has to have an entourage but then somewhat contradictorily comments that Jeanie must have brought Frankie because she only has one friend and he’s it. Meow!! I think somebody’s feeling a wee bit bitchy after their latest procedure.
Happy to have an appreciative and sympathetic audience, Tamra launches into her rendition of last week’s spat with Gretchen. After going over all the bitchy details she winds up by saying, “I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for her or offer her an Oscar.”
I have no idea what Tamra wrote in her makeup e-mail to Gretchen, but I’m guessing it didn’t mention offering her an Oscar for her acting ability.
Lauri may be acting like she is so over all the drama, but she totally leaves the door open to come back to the show. Maybe she’s just taking some time off to find a new surgeon. It’s kind of refreshing to see one of these woman eat and not feel guilty about it.
I wonder who she’s thinking about?
The final girl gathering of the week has the ladies heading down to the Del Mar race track to flaunt their hats for the first day at the races. Jeana, Tamra, and Vicki are riding in one of the limos with their respective spouses and Jeana’s daughter, Cara. As usual, crack ho Vicki is pretending to be an important business woman and has her laptop open, clacking away with her newly manicured nails. All of her clacking might be impressive, if Jeana didn’t take a moment to tell us that usually Vicky is just answering fun e-mails.
Is that Simon’s myspace page?
Lynne, Frankie, Gretchen and her younger bother, Ethan, have all ridden together in their own Limo and seem to be having a grand ole time. Of course, they don’t have to put up with Vicki’s persistent clacking, so that gives their party a definite advantage. Not to mention that they don’t resemble a group of gangsters heading out to funeral. Jeana, Vicki and Tamra have all opted to wear black dresses and you know all that black in Vicki’s limo has got to be casting some sort of pall over the festivities.
Personally, I’m thinking that a little girl-to-girl strategizing went on in response to the blond terminator’s decree that nobody else can wear pink. After all it’s a fundamental fact of fashion that next to the blond in black, the blond in hot pink just doesn’t look that great. Sneaky, sneaky ladies. But Gretchen’s special cyborg fashion sense is way ahead of them and she’s ditched the hot pink in favor of a hot red/orange dress with a white hat. Another fashion fact according to Cosmo, is that while a man might admire the woman in black, he’ll try to go home with the woman in red/orange. Tamra’s not impressed by Gretchen’s white hat, but that doesn’t bother Gretchen one little bit. Really, why should it? Cyborgs aren’t big on remorse. But, hey, according to Vicki, Del Mar is the place where surf meets the turf and it’s just classy all the way. So we can be sure that our “ladies” are going to behave with the utmost decorum and grace.
The two limo groups converge, nod and separate. Vicky and Tamra, with Simon and Donn meekly in tow, commandeer one table, leaving Gretchen, her brother, Lynne and Frankie to sit at the other. And then promptly ignore Lynne’s presence when her table vacates to place their bets. Now I have some sympathy for being a little reluctant to hang with a woman that looks like this:
What to wear when you audition for The Glass Menagerie.
Common courtesy still dictates the need for polite conversation. Unfortunately, Vicki and Tamra are incapable of common courtesy. Vicki because she’s high and delusional, and Tamra because her social sensitivities never developed beyond the high school cafeteria. Even the blond terminator has a better grasp on the situation when she tells us that she thinks it’s just rude when your supposed to be there as a group and its so obvious that somebodys trying not to include you.
Then, to deliver the final social dis, Vicki’s group vacates to a smaller room, as soon as Lynne’s group returns to their table. Using a tone that probably sounds socially superior to her chemically confused synapses, Vicki explains that she doesn’t know those other people and she wants to sit with people she’s comfortable with. Nodding wisely, she adds that “Girls are hard on girls.” Backstabbing Tamra has an early senior moment and conveniently forgets her ongoing bitch raking commentary to indignantly protest that she’s not hard on other girls. To show her approval, Vicki bestows the most horrific compliment ever on her BFF, “You’re like me.”
Take the Goddamn compliment!
Meanwhile, Jeana having summed up the situation between the two cliques decides to throw her hat in with the newbies. It’s not much of a choice, but I think I’d gave gone with Gretchen and Lynne as well. Stupid and cyborg beats out backstabbing and cracked out crazy any day. Besides, Jeana’s no dummy. She tells us that at her age, if two girls want to go off in a corner she knows they’re talking about her.
Jeana’s defection totally pisses Vicki off. Of course, in her drug induced state of paranoia, she’s absolutely sure that Jeana is only sitting at the other table to irritate her. But Tamra is pretty sure that Jeana’s motive for abandoning them is rooted in her jealousy of Tamra’s new BFF status with Vicki. Sorry, darlings, but I’m pretty sure Jeana is sitting at the other table because you two are a couple of dried-up, nasty, middle-aged meanies, with nothing worth saying about yourselves. I’d say ‘yentas’, but I don’t want to sully my good name.
Tamra might want to get her memory issues checked out by a really good doctor, because she’s already forgotten that statement about not being hard on other women. Or maybe she thinks ‘chubby’ is a compliment? Either way, I’m thinking Tamra might want to jump on the scale for a quick reality check before she throws out anymore weight slurs. Her dress might be a slimming shade of black, but she’s still filling out that waist mighty tightly. Thank God she takes a moment to exclude Lynne from the chubby category. All Lynne needs is for one more ‘mean girl’ to say something about her weight and she’s going to give up eating for good and just float away on those helium balloons.
With nothing better to do, Vicki is free to pursue her favorite hobby of abusing her long suffering spouse, Donn. This time her tactic is to point out how much more important she is than her husband. According to Vicki, in the crack infused delusion that she calls reality, Donn isn’t important enough to warrant his own name, being known as Vicki Gunvalson’s husband is enough. I’m thinking that somebody must have anonymously mailed Donn some self-help books on how to deal with nightmare spouses, because for once he’s not just rolling over waiting for Vicki to pile on more of her crap. Donn interviews that his wife got really disrespectful and he deserves better than that.
Atta boy, Donn, keep repeating that and eventually you’ll be able to tell it to the judge.
Awesome Simon, totally has Donn’s back and snaps at Vicki to apologize, which you know probably gives her a tiny little happy moment. Seriously, how did backstabbing Tamra manage to land and keep this guy.
Meanwhile, the ladies in the newby clique have gone out on the balcony to watch races. And my, oh my, there’s one hot handsome man in the next box with his very own blond. But the blond Terminator only registers hot male candy which makes that party infinitely more fun than her own party. What to do? What to do? Why let’s jump the fence.
Problem solved.
I’m thinking that the cute little blond thing can’t be too impressed with the cyborg invasion. Especially, when Gretchen starts humping herself against the hunky guy’s leg. It’s kind of sweet to see how naïve Gretchen is when it comes to the finer points of mating etiquette. The concept of not climbing a wall to hump on a strange man who is currently escorting another woman, while your fiancé is lying in the hospital, seems to completely escape her. But these are subtle points of human social interaction, so it’s completely understandable how a non-human machine programmed for destruction might miss them.
Still laboring under the mistaken assumption that Gretchen is in fact human, Tamra offers up a different slightly more Freudian analysis of the situation:
“Gretchen loves to be the center of attention. I don’t know what her problem was, maybe she wasn’t breast fed.”
Vicki and Tamra have had enough of the Gretchen show and depart to place their own bets with husbands in tow. It takes about two minutes of interaction before the gentleman placing their bets is groping around for the security bell and entertaining a fantasy of Vicki’s head being blown off. Some of his irritation must have filtered through Vicki’s delusional haze because she takes a moment to kindly explain that she and her compadres are just a high maintenance bunch of fun loving folks and his job is to deal with them. I would so love to see her take that attitude with a bookie in South Boston.
I am the Queen. Talk to my royal hand
Our editors leave us with some awesome footage of our ladies doing their feeble best to pick their way through the sand in their four inch heels. Nothing says elegant like drunken pelicans tottering around in the sand. But the best shot of all is of Vicki walking away clutching hubby, Donn’s, arm.
From the back, Vicki looks alot like our old cross-dressing friend, Max Clinger, on guard duty.
Next week looks like a doozy of a mess when the blond Terminator aims her cyborg sights at Tamra’s douchebag son. Personally, I’m thinking that there’s not enough painkillers in the world to get me through a Gretchen/Ryan relationship, so I kind of hope that they just seal the deal and move on. But we’ll see next week.
I hope everybody is warm, healthy and happy in the new year.
Hugs,
Yenta
****Check out Chapter Two of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, here!
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49 Comments
Yenta, ITA about next week’s feeble Mean Girls attempt by Backstabbing Tamra… after all, if she DID enlist her horndog son to woo Gretchen for some reason, then what did she really expect?
As far as this week’s episode, I really don’t know what to make of Vicki or Tamra…. they are so delusional and it’s amazing to me that Simon and Donn would put up with them. I can even understand Simon, to some extent, because it seems the only job BT is good at is a blow job. Donn, on the other hand, get thee to a divorce attorney.
I love Jeana; she is too good for this show, but if she left, the show would be exposed for the complete trainwreck that it actually is.
I couldn’t believe that Jeff’s children put up with Gretchen’s silliness regarding the ring.
Keep the recaps coming, Ms. Yenta, I love you & them & you make this show way more palatable.
Yenta – I DID see the daughter’s laptop. They were re-running this show yesterday and that’s when I saw it and I thought the same thing – that they were distorted pictures of Gretchen. But, after those pics, I saw what looked like pics of people in surgical masks, so I thought it might have been pictures from the hospital? Who knows. The whole situation is sad. I was thinking, at least she could have taken the package to the hospital and opened it there.
Not sure if I read this somewhere before but is Lynne pregnant? Her slightly swelling belly seems to confirm though she could have eaten a rice cake. Hopefully she has cut back on the alcohol and prescription drugs!
after this last episode i have given up on this show completely. it reminds me too much of the years between 4th grade and 7th grade. i am having total mean girl flashbacks and sometimes i was the mean girl. but…
i will still continue to come and read these fabulous recaps. thanks for the humor, the wit, the snark. at least i can realize that not everyone aims to be like these women.
and if i have to hear anything about jeane and her “entourage” of one person. i didn’t see her tooling around in a 35 person party boat. i am just going to scream. simply because it points to tamra’s and vicki’s complete lack of self awareness and that they are about as deep as dixie cup.
even watching them at the races they were taking part in this self delusion pie when tamra states that she unlike other women doesn’t start shit. to which witchy vicki responds you are like me. then they proceed to trash all the other housewives, eat inside and then when made to take a picture with the other women. tamra freaks out because she actually going to have to stand next to one of them. gross she might get cooties.
okay. i know, i know it is just a show. but i am healing from surgery and have had nothing to do but watch tv. but i hope that people are smart enough to not look up to these women. i hope people realize that we are now all less intelligent for having watched this show, but it is a trainwreck, so hard to look away. so hard not to feel superior.
also yenta no link to your book.
yankesfan:
one of the housewives commented on that lynne was finally showing. i thought it was in jest.
also found the link to the book.
Ahh, Yenta! This was my favorite episode to date and your re-cap did it mucho justice–loved the title and I’m still laughing about the Terminator Cyborg reference.
A couple of other comments/observations:
-Note to Vicki: YOUR KID IS A DOUCHE. This is what having your head in your laptop all the time produces.
-anybody else think that Gretchen’s brother was a little too handsy with her? I hope it’s a step-brother. But quite a few times he was either touching her arm or the center of her back, and the only time its appropriate for a brother to do that is if its followed up by a punch in the arm. I would be seriously creeped out…
-I normally am Pro-Tamra and Anti-Gretchen, but not this week. Tamra acted like one of Lyne’s slutty daughters, while Gretchen seemed fun and like someone who I would want to hang out with. Of course, if my husband was in ICU, I wouldn’t be flirting with other guys right after he gave me a NEW DIAMOND RING, but that’s how I roll and to each his own….
Anywho, I love your re-caps and I cannot wait until tomorrow night where Tamra gets her son to get Gretchen drunk and hit on her, then they mysteriously disappear….
xoxo
PopPrincess
Yenta darling – sorry you are on the injured list, but painkillers or massive amounts of alchol do make this show more fun to view! Get well soon…
Fantastic recap as always – the cyborg reference is perfect! I did think the flashing of the ring to Jeff’s children was inappropriate, in fact just seeing those kids really does break my heart knowing the outcome. (PS to J-Mo – your “I’m over her Mother Theresa act” was priceless!)
Tamara is going downhill in my book – her cattiness and attraction to Crackmama is beyond comment. Vicki – well there is nothing more I can add to the multitude of comments. Delusional fer sher, and her treatment of Donn is unforgivable. Although she certainly must make the editor’s jobs easier – just focus the camera on her and see what comes out of her mouth! I was not impressed with Lynne’s pity party – you know these woman all know each other and will gravitate towards each other – if you are sitting alone, get up and try to join a conversation! Still loves me Jeana, though.
As for next week – we’ll see what happens, there is a reference on Tamara’s Bravo blog about a 1 am phone call, let’ see if it ties into this Gretchen/Ryan thing.
Hugs to you Yenta – feel better!
Great recap Yenta!! A Jeana spin-off would be good. How refreshing that she “tattled” on Michael’s party instead of going over and trying to pick up on some “chubby prepubescent cherub” ass like it looks as though Gretchen will do this next week. Finally, is it just me or does Lynne REALLY look like Steven Tyler with a Mystic Tan and fake breasts?
With the exception of her “doctors/hospitals…oh, my ring is so pretty!” I’ve pretty much been rooting for Gretchen. I mean, stupid and fun is at least better than stupid and mean.
And Lynne, if you’re so concerned with looking like you never eat, you may never want to wear that dress again.
With the exception of her being momentarily derailed from worrying about Jeff by the sight of her ring, I’m actually rooting for Gretchen. Stupid and fun is at least better than stupid and mean.
And Lynne, if you’re worried about looking as though all you’ve ever eaten is a piece of lettuce, never wear that beige dress in public again.
Sorry ’bout the double post. I got a weird error the first time.
Idiots. Just a bunch of fucking idiots. I don’t have much to add, except for Donn’s lack of outrage at Vickie’s comment. He acts so defeated, hanging his head and just sauntering away. And I hope Jeanna is milking this for a shot at a spinoff of her own. It would be very dissapointing to know that she approves of this behavior from her “girlfriends”. Idiots. Offspring included. (Except Jeff’s kids)
Yenta, so sorry to hear of your injury. Take care and pills and chicken soup..so the next recap won’t be late. I kid, I kid.
Meds do you well, my happy high recapper.
Love you to pieces.
Dear Yenta:
Your recap is beyond compare!!!
I love comment about the drunken pelican. I too believe that Donn deserves much better than that crazy-eyed manipulative beast he is married to.
Vicki and Tamra are so over the top nutty, it’s a wonder the rest of the cast agrees to go anywhere they might show up. Seriously, outside of high school, where else do you see behavior like this????? a crack house maybe????
I can’t wait until Tamra’s fancy dinner party. I have a feeling that serving too much tequila to any guest is a mistake.
Yenta, I’m so sorry to hear about your back. I know all about back pain. If you are interested, Chronic Pain Lifestyle is my blog. Go to Anne’s corner for sentimental stories, some are funny. It’s good therapy.
Love and luck,
AnneM/TVannie
And I thought I was the only one who enjoyed 2 hydrocodones and a Pepsi while watching this show. actually, I havent seen this episode yet, but I hope to catch it sometime tonight. What was the deal with the ring coming in the mail? Was it bought off Ebay or something??
I love Jeanna… she is the only normal size Housewife on the show. I hope her boobs are not fake, although I am not sure about that. I couldnt believe she bought bed sheets that cost $8000, I do good to pay over $20 for mine. Oh well, gonna watch this train wreck…. see ya’ll later!
R
Yenta: I love your recaps and I get so excited to read them every week. Your title had me laughing so hard I almost got fired! I got to enjoy this episode same way as you due to the vicodin I was prescribed after getting my wisdom tooth pulled. I must say as much as I enjoy this show sober I think high is the way to go!
Excellent recap Yenta! I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes! So many references, so little post space!
I’m so glad you commented on Gretchen’s ridiculous segue from hospitals/doctors to LOOK AT MY RING! I had to rewind b/c I thought I missed something in between! I noticed the laptop and thought the same thing you did! I’m developing the mind of a recapper! hahahaha!
Why does Jeana hang around these ladies? Do any of them even like her?! Then again, she does seem to be attracted to abusive people who don’t treat her well so there you go….
Sarlynn: STEVEN TYLER! LOL! Lynn is very hard in the face and her skin is bad. In that screengrab of her in the beige dress, she just looks old. Being skinny doesn’t make you look young if the rest of you is deteriorating.
Anyone else think Alexa’s on-again off-again boyfriend looks gay? Lynn is completely out of touch with her kids. Raquel is drinking under age and it sounded like Alexa may already be participating in “intimate joining” activities. She said she’s had 3 serious relationships where Lynn said Randy was her first real boyfriend. Alexa said she hadn’t gotten to that level with Randy yet, but it seemed like she might have with the other THREE serious ones! And she’s only 15!!! The other non-serious boyfriends were no big deal. When did she start dating?! At age 8?!
TWSS, after seeing Rob Halford, Christian Siriano, Bruce Vilanch, and Tim Gunn, I’m not really sure what “looks gay” means!
I still hate that skank Gretchen. Sure, maybe she is just the 3rd most despicable woman on the show, but she is still horrible. It seems she wants to (and does, if Yenta’s comment post from last week is any indication) hump anybody that has a Y chromosome and is willing.
And I don’t think cherubs are anywhere near so ugly.
As someone who had boyfriend leave me for his psycho, abusive ex-girlfriend because she wanted him back, I have a theory that some men want to be treated that way. And isn’t that half the reason we watch this show, so we can say, “Ha! That’ll teach you to marry a bimbo!”
(Sorry, PMSing!)
Just wanted to point out that Gretchen’s deformed face is probably from the daughter’s MacBook’s photobooth. It comes with effects life that. I was doing it all weekend.
can’t sleep must comment. sorry for making this all about me, but i am bored and in bed. for weeks.
plus this is something that i wanted to write awhile ago. i wanted to thank yenta for repsonding to each of the comments. it is nice for you to take notice.
who else could gulde us through this morase of vapid, insipiant, fresh from the nuthouse, greedy, delusional, food phobic, age phobic monters that call themsevles the “real” housewives. anyway thank you for your comments.
i know you don’t have much free tme to do all this, but that little extra matters and is appreciated. don’t know why it matters, but it does. hey-maybe you could hook up with vicki and you two could tool around town in a limo. she could answer her “fun” emails, you know fun stands for crack. she is writing her crack emails, you know telling julio how much to make, when to deliever it, when to get it to her house. and if he late next time with her order then julio gets waterboarded. you know the “fun” emails. you could save tons of time by writing responses in the limo to and from work. but i don’t think you could make it on to the show because you have a soul.
yep you aren’t OC Housewife Material. This one can feel remorse and understands the feelings of others.
still cracking up over the gomer pyle and Maxwell Q. Klinger references. you totally nailed that and it is funny because its true.
and tvannie: you made me laugh with the vicki/tamra remark about the crew being ashamed to go places with them.
i totally have friends like that. Mostly they are a blast to go out with because the crazy is just contained with in the group, but with too much alcohol they turn bat shit crazy and then the embrassment and shame kicks in. i imagine that must be what it is like to be with vicki and/or tamra. well mostly vicki. i am going to get the slightly delusional, self contained trainwreck friend or i am going to get the much less sane, lunatic from a mental hospital friend who through a special power unknow to the mentality stable that is manifested through tears, paranoia and illogical thoughts barely adubule through the weeping, is able to get ever known person in a ten block radius invovled in the drama of the moment. it maybe as simple as a cigerette burn or a misplaced tattoo. all will hear the cry of the derranged, helpless, possiibly drunk coo coo bird that is your friend. while you search for the nearest exit.
okay. enough stick. enough with it being all about me. thanks for the laughs.
Oh, I forgot, I don’t think Klinger was anywhere near that hippy.
and, Do you think that Lynne has one of those protruding bellies like starving people get? Either that or she is retaining water really bad. Or she let a piece of celery go down her throat. (Actually, it’s probably all the alcohol.)
Hey Gasmi,
TONIGHT’s the NIGHT!! Boy do I hope it’s a funny one…
Slutty_whore: ITA about Simon and Donn. I really don’t know how marriages survive these shows. I mean it’s not like you can claim that bad behavior didn’t happen when it’s on tape and there are thousands of witnesses. Marriage counseling in these situations must be hell.
Lawyergirl: I really wish Gretchen had taken the package to hospital to share her excitement at opening it with Jeff. I bet it would have made him happy. You’re right it is a sad situation.
Yanksfan24: Lynne is preggers?!? Holy crap… I can’t even imagine. I hope she starts eating. Thanks for the tip, I’ll see if I can dig up anything.
Reckless_Saturn: I’m so sorry about your surgery. Recovery can be tough, I hope you’re doing okay. Thanks for checking out my book : ) (((Hugs)))) for sleepless nights. I’ve totally been there. It’s a nice thing about this sight that we can all post when we need to : )
PopPrincess: I’m so glad you’re recapping. I’m totally enjoying your recaps. And I hope Vicki reads your comment, cuz her son is a DOUCHE!!
Njgasmifan: I totally hear you about Tamra. I had high hopes for her this season, but the catty path she’s taken has just been too disappointing. I wonder if she’s even aware of all the backstabbing she does?
Sarlynn: OMFG Steve Tyler is perfect. She looks so much like him. I hope you don’t mind if I steal that for screencap : )
LaJane: Thanks for rooting for Gretchen. I don’t feel so guilty if somebody’s rooting for her, but I’m afraid I’m just not feeling any love there. Sigh!!
Shantigal: You are such a sweetie. I’m off the pain meds, thank God. I’m too much of a bimbo without the extra help. I’ll try to get this next one in by Sat. Just for you. XOXO
AnneM: Thanks for the tip about your blog. You’re a tougher person than I am. After just a few days of this crap, I’m pretty much ready to blast anybody that breaths too loudly!! I’m so happy you’re recapping, and I’m definitely going to check out your blog.
Fatgirlsrule: You are a riot. I hate to tell you but Jeana is pretty frank about having implants. On the other hand, she’s so open about it that it’s really refreshing. I like having a normal sized woman on the show as well. She’s the only one my husband thinks is attractive.
flowie623: Do Not Get Fired!! OMG there are so many of us watching this show on painkillers. Who’d have thunk. We may have to start an RHOC recovery group. Imagine our own recovery show with Dr. Drew.
Thatswhatshesaid: AHA!! Developing the mind of a recapper!! You know what that means. I see a dark future for you, involving a laptop, coffee, and lots of Flipit emails. You’ll love it. I can’t wait to read your first recap.
Pixielated: Your ex-boyfriend must be a total moron. I think we should have a ex-bimbo blog where everybody that wants can post a recap that pillars their nightmare exes. I so wanted to photoshop Klinger’s rifle into the picture but I didn’t have time. You’re right though. I think his fashion sense was little more conservative : )
Anonymous: Thanks for the tip about the Macbook photobooth. I’m actually typing on a Macbook and I’ve never played with the photobooth. How lame is that?
WoW! thanks for the compliment! I hate fake boobs. I dont know why women want to get big,fake boobs. I started wearing a bra in 3rd grade…so maybe that is why I feel the way I do.
Yea~~~ tonights the night! gonna get my hydro’s ready, and get my pepsi ice cold, and sit back and enjoy the antics.
I really dont appreciate what you wrote about Mike or myself. If you dont like what you see on tv, then dont watch it. We arent characters, We’re just real people living our real lives. Cameras follow us and you watch it, and that doesnt make it excusable to say awful things about our intentions and our appearances. Mike isnt fit enough for you? Im not pretty enough for you? Fine, then spend your time somewhere else, no one is forcing you to watch. Be sure that I would never, I could never, speak about someone the way that you do, and atleast that makes me fell better, knowing that regardless of what you may write about me, I am better than you
Fatgirlsrule: I’ll be thinking of you when I sit back tonight. Chuckle!
Lauren: I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. But TVgasm is a site that is based on making fun of TV (primarily reality TV), and we can be pretty harsh. Because my assignment is to recap RHOC, I’m afraid that I will continue to do so in my own loving way. Thanks for reading, but perhaps it would better for you to discontinue the practice. I hope you feel better soon, or at least take some comfort in the fact that you probably are better than me.
Hugs,
Yenta
Glad you “fell” better, moron.
reckless_saturn out. i was having too much of a party in my mouth last night. actually too much of a party in my brain last night. the pain meds. got the best of my brain. i meant all the nice things that i said and the insights into the show. but i did go a bit far. sorry about that. thank you yenta for your return comments. thanks for keeping me entertained and laughing during my recovery. thank you.
i watching the newest episode. and man tamra’s son is a serious douche nozzle. these girls are the richest white trash people that i have ever seen.
Yentapatrol – I would be honored if you “stole” Steven Tyler for a screen cap.
Lauren-Are you stupid? I mean you “seem” stupid on the show but I thought you were just acting. Your email makes me think you aren’t acting. Do you understand (please picture this being said very slowly) you are on a website that’s sole purpose is to make fun of reality tv and the characters on it. Not that anyone watches Real Housewives to see you. You are just a wannabe. Also I’m not sure where you would get the idea that you are better than our dear Yenta…because you act like trash on a reality show?
Wait…who’s Lauren? Is she someone?
Last nights episode made me sick. I thought it crueler than anything I have seen on the Housewives before. Gretchen is in no way shape or form a salt of the earth kind of person but she did not deserve what happened on last nights episode. Tamara went out of her way to PUSH the alcohol on Gretchen. I know Gretchen was the one who picked up the drinks, but Miss Hot wanted to get Gretch naked wasted on Simons homemade daterape i mean tequila concotion. Then Tamara sent her balding loser son after Gretchen. Gretchen was no longer making sense and they kept plying her with more drinks and cheering her behavior on. Ryan is gross and his joker like grin makes my skin crawl. Lynne was the only one who stepped in and said something to Gretchen trying to tell her ok you have had way too much to drink and you might do something you will regret. We have all needed another person to tell us to STOP before. It was like everyone but Jeanna, Lynne, and Mike were all in on it. The whole thing is cruel and the same method hundreds of frat douches use to date rape girls. Jeanne kept taking drinks away but more drinks kept appearing in front of her. Gretchen had multiple drinks in front of her. Tamara did this for no good reason other than she is jealous because Gretchen is 10 maybe 15 years younger and supposidly swagger jacked her. Humiliating someone like that shows her true colors. I dont think I have ever been more upset by a reality show before.
Oh and Lynne wanted to take Gretchen home but Tamara was insistent that she stay at her house. Gretchen was talking jibberish while Ryan groped her in the kitchen.
Bella – I couldn’t agree with you more. I don’t even need to elaborate because you explained it so spot on. The episode had my skin crawling.
Silver – Lauren is Vickie’s son’s girlfriend – the one who took the call from Vicki about the party.
But on to the real reason to post – I have not been a fan of Gretchen’s but agree with Bella 100% – there was no excuse for that behavior. When you go to a “friend’s” house, you do not expect to be set up like that. Tamara’s winking and asides to Vicki were disgusting, and Vicki was compliant by not saying “this is wrong”. Big props to Jeanna and Lynne for trying to look out for Gretchen. Good post, Bella – I’m with you.
lauren, honey. what are you doing expressing an opinion? and you’re doing it on a site that’s specifically up to make fun of shows like the one you shouldn’t even be on. to say that you are better than someone is even worse. ever heard the saying “it’s one thing for people to think you’re stupid, but it’s another thing to prove it when you open your mouth”? that’s what you just did. since this isn’t nor will it ever be the mike and lauren show. take some advice little girl, go sit down somewhere and shut the hell up because to do otherwise you will only keep proving that you are stupid. be glad someone thought of you at all. and remember it’s about the rhoc not a lame dork named mike and his future ex-wife twit of a girlfriend named lauren.
Hurry Yenta, Hurry! Last night was so good. I think it warrants dropping everything you are doing to write the recap
Whoa!! I’ve been off Tvgasm for a while, but I seemed to have missed a lot!
This show used to be one of my favorites but this season all the women, except, Jeana have turned into horrible, catty 9th graders. WTH is that about?
Lauren, what the hell are you talking about? You’ve been on like three episodes. What do you mean you would never talk about someone the way Yenta does? We saw you do it on this episode!! You and your boyfriend talked crap about Jeana and called her a bitch because she ruined your little immature “lets drink the most beer and and act like idiots” party!
Maybe Lauren is trying to get herself cast on the new spin-off, Future Ex-Wives of Orange County…
I’m going to go on record and say that Tamra was WRONG for what she did, but I do think she has one good point. Which is, that GRETCHEN shouldn’t be taking vacations when her husband is recovering, or alone, in the hospital. I think her seemingly unfeeling “gold-diggerish” ways, coupled with Tamra’s own jealousy, made her do what she did.
It’s not an excuse, but what made me ROFLMAO was the fact that Tamra was taking etiquette lessons throughout the eppy; and, in the end, she got Gretchen drunk in an effort for her son to bang her, is completely deplorable and disgusting.
I did find it interesting that, while drunk, Gretchen kept making references to Simon, making me wonder if Tamra was jealous of Gretchen being attracted to Simon.
Was this the first TBC eppy of RHOC?
Yenta, will you be recapping RHONY when it starts it next season? I can’t say I watched that or the Atlanta season, so if you’ll be recapping it, I’m definitely going to be watching!
After Tuesday 13th episode I am jumping off the Lynne-is-pregnant bandwagon. It’s gotta be bloat! She was drinking at several times during the ep. That woman is still delusional though.
Yanksfan – I thought the same thing, whoa she is knocking ‘em back! So I also assumed she is not preggers. But I do agree she is delusional and her hubby REALLY has his head up his ass where his “angels” are concerned…
I wonder if any of the HouseWives read these post?? I also wonder what that lump is on Lynn’s gut. I do hope it isnt a baby bump with all the alcholol she consumes. I also noticed that in the opening of each show, where each person tells about themselves, that Lynn says she is obsessed with being young. I find that statement ironic, since she looks the oldest and most wore out of the bunch! Any mother who would encourage their underage kids to drink alchol is no mother in my book.
This is so great, I found a website selling TEAM DONN tank tops.
What I wouldn’t give to have Gretchen show up on Lake Havasu in a bikini with this tank top on and go over and sit on Donn’s lap right in front of Vicki while she is fighting for real estate on Simon’s lap. What a hoot!!!!
I believe Vicki’s eyes would pop out of her head and roll around on the floor.
At least Donn would be happy, and gete some attention. He would probably fantasize about Gretchen for many weeks.
has anyone seen the movie Hellboy 2? We were watching it last night and all I could think about is how the evil underworld prince guy looks like Gretchen! Of course I could not share this with my boyfriend, who would think I am nuts, but its true!
Donn needs a blowjob… a real nice one… and reeeeal bad!! I’m guessing his dick hasn’t been anywhere near ANY of Vicki’s constantly chopping/gnashing/grinding orifices in years. Big boobs or not, that woman is a shrieking harpy sea-hag!
Awesome job on the recap yenta! I giggled madly!
love, J-Mo
AND…Vicki needs a big fat dick ASAP. Don needs to give Vic something to really shriek about.
It’s a good thing they got Truffle Hunter a hat for the derby, otherwise someone would have surely tried to saddle and ride her around the track! In the meantime, can someone please take her laptop away from her?
What I have to say has already been said, but I’m so upset about last week’s episode, that I have to add my two cents. The way Tamra set Gretchen up was cruel and disgusting. Regardless of whether she likes her or whether Gretchen is a good person or bad, to maliciously ply her with alcohol for the sole intent of getting her to become so drunk she embarrasses herself and jeopardizes her relationships with Jeff and his family is probably the ugliest behavior I’ve seen yet on this show. It certainly shows Tamra’s true colors. She’s a pathetic, bitter, mean woman who has zero class. All of the etiquette classes in the world cannot redeem this woman. Karma is real, and she will someday reap the rewards of her cruelty.
I have to agree that Tamra’s actions were somewhat disturbing. However, on the other hand, Gretchen is 30 years old, which is old enough to say, “I’ve had enough”. Also, if Tamra was a responsible hostess, she would have cut her off, too. But, we all know that’s not true and it wouldn’t have made good T.V. Unfortunately, I think Gretchen will blame her highly intoxicated state on the fact that she has been going through such emotional turmoil over Jeff that letting loose and drinking herself into oblivion was okay and understandable. I think next week’s episode will be very interesting. The producer’s have certainly given us a teaser by indicating that there may be some hanky-panky going on with Ryan and the lovely, “I-just-want-to-have-fun”, Gretchen. I have a feeling it is just a teaser. I can’t believe that after all the alcohol Gretchen imbibed, she won’t pass out first, before young Ryan has a chance to have his way with her. One other small tidbit I caught at the end of this episode….as Gretchen was going to the bathroom, Ryan wanted a hug. She bascically told him he couldn’t get a hug or kiss or anything physical because she was engaged to a very “nice” man. I think my response would be that I’m engaged and very much in love with someone else. That little comment confirmed what I already suspected about our girl, Gretchen.
One other thing I do want to add to my previous post. If by chance Ryan does get lucky with the “smokin’ hot Gretchen”, I certainly hope there’s no chance that “Nugget #2″ will be conceived. If that does happen, it will give Tamra another reason to pitch a hissy fit, since Ryan will have to add on to his lovely, inner-lower lip tattoo. And we know how Tamra feels about those damn tattoos!
Damn, now I want to watch this show.