Real Housewives of Orange County: If You’re Missing Your Ho Ho Hos, I’ve Got Some Over Here!!

Dear Gasmii,

This week the producers over at Bravo have decided to treat us to a special episode of Girls Gone Wild: Where Are They Now? Sadly, we find out that they’re still in the same place and wearing the same bikinis. God help us all.

Like many aspects of our country over the past 20 years, this woman’s bikini failed to adjust for inflation.

It’s nice to see a show that helps destroy unfortunate American stereotypes of loud, obnoxious, irresponsible, self-involved, over the top consumers. To find that show I would suggest going to another channel. But, in the meantime grab a lot of comfort food because you’re going to need it after the leap…

This week three of our housewives and their assorted entourages descend on Vicki’s playground in Lake Havasu, AZ where the temperature has hit 120 degrees. My thermostat currently says 9 degrees in the sun and my dog is refusing to go outside to pee without his own personal heat lamp. Raging homicidal jealousy doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings as I watch the fun in the sun scene playing out in front of me. Of course, seeing Vicki organize her massively hungover troops for a day on the boat is making me feel slightly better about the twenty layers of clothing I am shuffling around in. How is this woman so frigging cheerful when even her dogs are looking hungover? Every phone in this town should be supplied with a direct connection to the AA hotline.

Fuck the fishing

Vicki hits the ground running this week with her first crisis. Jeana has hurt Vicki’s feelings by selfishly switching plans. Instead of staying next door, Jeana has decided to stay in town with some friends. I can only applaud Jeana’s good sense in not wanting to vacation next door to a middle aged frat house in full party mode.

Bitch was supposed to be following me around. Now, she’s all up in my facce with her own peeps.

Tamra is all like, I’m so gonna be the new sidekick. We’ve officially left the adult world and returned to an age where it’s appropriate to backstab your way into being the popular girl’s BFF. Seriously, what self-respecting adult admits to wanting to be anybody’s BFF, unless, of course, that person is Flipit; then have at it.

Speaking of teens, it’s time to spend some quality time with Lynne’s oldest angel, Raquel and her two BFF’s. See, age appropriate. Raquel is a darling child who charmingly confesses to being a reformed thief, alcoholic, and/or drug addict.

Note to Raquel: The statute of limitations on shoplifting is 3 years in California and those cameras are recording you.

Of course, now that Raquel is reformed it would be a shame to arrest her. Instead of stealing her alcohol, Raquel tries to trick waiters into serving it to her. ID? Sure I have an ID. It’s in my car, which I’ve misplaced. Clever, clever, child. No one has ever tried that line before.

I bet they didn’t even tip him

After the awesome waiter somehow manages to telegraph his feelings of disgust while maintaining a polite professional demeanor, the girls get down to the serious business of planning Raquel’s birthday party. There is of course the all important invitation list of who’s in and who’s out. And then there’s the problem of where to have the party. A friend’s bungalow is highly recommended simply because of the morning maid service. As long as there is a maid to clean up the mess in the morning, Raquel’s friends can trash the place with impunity. If there is a God, these children’s trust funds will have been invested solely in the housing market and they’ll only be able to find work in the hallowed halls of a Motel 6 as maids.

We have a touching little vignette with Gretchen talking on the phone to Jeff’s children. Jeff is not doing well and he’s been admitted to the hospital ICU. Understandably, Jeff’s children are concerned enough to start heading out to see him. Gretchen sounds both mature and concerned as she talks to Jeff’s daughter, saying that the kids can help her with shifts to make sure that someone is always with him. Maybe miracles can happen and there’s more to Gretchen than blond hair dye and an attention whore personality. But, I have to admit that my first thought was that Gretchen is happy because if the kids are at the hospital she can take off. More camera time for Gretchen to make an ass out of herself. Yay!! Okay, I take it back. She’s a saint.

Nuff said.

Maybe there’s some undiscovered side effect to botox that makes middle-aged adults act like asses. Seriously, you know that shit has got to have some side effects beside taking the human race one step closer to complete plastification. On the other hand, I suppose it could be the copious amounts of alcohol the residents of Lake Havasu are busily pouring into their bodies that are making them act like asses. There’s also the possibility that these people are just asses.

Occam’s razor: “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.”

Vicki’s entourage convenes with Jeana’s entourage at the Naked Turtle. And there are two things of note here. First, Jeana’s entourage consists of one person, Frankie, who had the misfortune of renting out Vicki’s smaller, doomed-to-be-on-the-market-forever, house from last season. More on that in a minute. Second, any drama taking place in a setting called “The Naked Turtle” has to turn into a farce.

Okay, for a quick history lesson on Frankie versus Vicki. Last season, Vicki was redoing a smaller house she and Donn had bought to move into when the kids left. Unable to stomach moving into a smaller place, Vicki eventually nixed the move. While they were ostensibly “redecorating” the little house, Jeana’s friend Frankie moved in. The deal was that Frankie was supposed to pay a $4,000 security deposit and monthly rent and help “redecorate.” Frankie only paid $2,000 in security and didn’t pay all of his rent. However, it also turned out that by “redecorating” Vicki really meant “renovating”, as in knocking down walls which drastically undermined the overall quality of Frankie’s life while living there.

Last season this issue gave root to Vicki and Jeana’s limo fight, but according to Vicki’s blog everything was amicably resolved on all sides. However, I’m thinking that by “amicably” Vicki really meant “when hell freezes over”. Unfortunately, Jeana hasn’t been updated on Vicki’s changing meanings and she still thought the dispute was over. Surprise, surprise. As the old saying goes it ain’t over until Vicki sings. And Vicki’s not singing she’s bitching. A lot. And when she’s not bitching, she’s running around to her party members and forbidding them to sit at the same table as Jeana and Frankie. The same table that she reserved for lunch. Jeana tells us that she didn’t tell Vicki that Frankie was coming because she didn’t think it was any of Vicki’s business. Personally, I have to give Jeana credit for just being irritated and not completely creeped out by Vicki’s totally bizarre behavior. Seriously, refusing to sit at your friend’s lunch table because a boy you don’t like is sitting their too, might be age appropriate but nasty behavior for a 12 year old. In a forty something year old woman it’s just creepy and really, really wrong.

Tamra has totally embraced the role of the chubby, snot-nosed, third wheel, hanger-oner. I’m thinking she must have been voted class clown in high school, while her two BFF’s vied for most popular and prom queen. Now, twenty something years later, she’s running back and forth between Jeana seated at her empty table and Vicki standing twenty feet away, and sympathizing with both parties, but mainly stabbing Jeana in the back. Jeana and Frankie seem to be the only two sober people in the area, which puts them at a severe disadvantage because they’re still holding on to a few social inhibitions. I can’t help wishing that Frankie had been drunk enough to knock Vicki on her ass and sit on her for a while. But the most action we get to see is the truly inspired evil eye that Jeana gives Tamra and Vicki while they whisper back and forth to each other.

Let’s tell everyone that she had sex in the locker room shower.

Right back at you bitches.

After successfully making an awkward situation as uncomfortable as possible for as many people as possible, Vicki still isn’t done. After all, who deserves the comfort of a vacation more than an innocent crack ho? And now Jeana’s got all up in Vicki’s face and disrespected her and ruined everything. Somebody has got to let me know what the hell kind of happy pills Donn is on. I mean, I’m just watching Vicki on TV, months after this took place, and I’m shoving twinkies in my mouth to keep from gagging. Donn isn’t even blinking. He’s just all smiley, supportive and lovey dovey. Those have got to be some powerful pills. I want some for next year to spike everybody’s eggnog. That way maybe more than half the family will still be talking to each other when New Years rolls around.

Lets see, so far this episode we’ve covered inebriation, self-indulgence, and rudeness. So what’s left of the teenage years? Oh, yeah, eating disorders. This week we get to watch Lynne’s motherly attempts at inducing eating disorders in both of her offspring. What a fun mother. Not only has she dieted herself down to her teenage girls’ clothes size but she’s also artificially enhanced her body so that she looks as good or better than either of them in their clothes. After all, what better way to bond with your daughters than competing with them.

All of the references to dieting in this segment have totally triggered a lingering case of adolescent PTSD that has me compulsively noshing on last night’s leftovers. It took me years to realize that maintaining a size 0 sucked as a life goal. Watching another mother instilling those sorts of ideas in her teenage daughters’ heads just pisses me off. As retribution, I’m planning on eating every nasty thing Lynne has to deny herself. Bring on the Sara Lee cheesecake!! Unless of course she’s a binge and purge kind of gal, but I don’t really want to think about that. Anyhoo, we start the brain washing off with Lynne trying on a super tight dress and commenting that she could wear it, if she didn’t eat. Her fifteen year old ultra thin daughter quips back, who needs to eat? Uh, humans. Or do schools in OC not teach that in health class?

Most of my friends with teenage girls spend their time trying to convince their daughters that it’s fashionable to dress like depression era nuns. Lynne is at the other end of the spectrum, more along the lines of revering hookers as fashion forward stylistas. When her fifteen-year-old daughter tries on a pair of jeans, Lynne’s all enthusiastic that they’re super tight adding a nervous, “You’re not going to eat are you?” Maybe she’s just planning on pimping out her daughters when the recession makes too many dents in her husband’s business.

Poor child. It’s going to take years of massive therapy for her to realize that it’s good to have a little jiggle in your wiggle.

Thank God Lynne didn’t have sons, because she doesn’t seem to have any parental boundaries. Seriously, I think Lynne had children just so she could be the leader of her own clique. Seeing no difference between clothes appropriate for a forty something year old woman and her teenage daughters, Lynne happily views buying for them as an investment for herself. Or as she simply puts it, “I’m buying it for her but I can borrow it.” Oh, girls, I would be very careful of your mother when it comes to paying for your weddings. As our retirement accounts, pensions and economy plummet like a roller coaster with newly greased wheels, it’s heartwarming to watch this trainwreck of a mother casually spend $1,885 on seven items of slutty clothing. I can only hope that if she is reduced to wearing them on the job, they prove to be a good investment.

My clients insist on paying me with twenties.

I’m giving the award for the psychologically savviest commercial ever, to Arbie’s. As we go to a commercial break, a picture of a giant fried chicken steak sandwich fills my TV screen taunting me, while a deep sympathetic voice asks “Does watching the Real Housewives make you hungry?” Yes!! Oh, God Yes!! I swear, if there was an Arbie’s down the block, I would have been there. A few more episodes featuring eating-disorder-Lynne and I’m going to be reduced me to wearing my sweat pants with the really stretchy waist for the rest of the winter.

Note to Lynne: Suck on this!

After loading up on chips and dip and fast forwarding through the rest of the commercials, we return to life with Gretchen. After her last segment, I am expecting to find Gretchen and Jeff’s kids valiantly supporting Jeff and taking turns visiting him in the hospital. Surprise, surprise, Gretchen’s gone on vacay!! So much for my earlier bout of guilt. While Jeff’s kids are visiting him in the hospital, Gretchen has taken off to visit her family at Bass Lake because spending time with her family brings her back to earth and keeps her grounded. Okay, let’s see. Gretchen is a 30-something-year-old woman, engaged to a 50-something-year-old man who is currently in the hospital suffering from a fatal disease. What could be more grounding than romping around in a bikini, downing beers, and doing her best to give a friendly vaginal greeting to any phallic shaped object that floats by.

Whatever Gretchen’s issues are, I’m guessing penis envy might play a role.

Gretchen’s dad looks much younger than I expected. How weird is it that her dad looks younger than her fiancé? Gretchen tells us that her relationship with her father is unique, which I kind of guessed at, and that they don’t hold any thing back, which is as much as I want to know. Especially, since Gretchen is explaining to her father that they should take their clothes off and lay out. Moving on to Gretchen’s mother who is the conservative one out of the family, but I’m a little distracted from Gretchen’s blabbing by her sudden unnerving resemblance to Vicki. Sorry, Gretchen. No amount of plastic surgery is gonna wipe away that ugly future.

Back at Lake Havasu, a resort area embodying the ultimate in elegance and glamour, our grossly inebriated “adults” are indulging in beer bongs. Yup, that’s just the kind of mature responsible drinking that I want to model for my kid. In this bastion of elegance, we get quickly introduced to Vicki’s friend Holly, a petite middle-aged woman with dyed blond hair and sadly deformed mammary glands.

The mechanical ingenuity behind the design of these gravity defying objects has given me a whole new level of optimism regarding our country’s engineering sector.

Vicki is quick to point out that, while she admires her friend’s confidence in flaunting her overly bodacious ta tas, she personally would never wear such a teensy, tiny, tacky bikini. I think a silent moment for thanks is now appropriate. But, holy cow manure, it’s been a whole ten minutes and a bunch of commercials since Vicki had a crisis. Wait for it…wait for it…And, there we are; Vicki’s burned her wrist. Luckily, her yacht loving future-daughter-in-law is there to kiss the boo-boo and make it better.

Don’t forget to curtsy before you back out of the room.

What’s the best thing to do when you’re roaring drunk? Why, hop in a boat and join in the fun with other drunken boatloads of people, of course. Tamra’s behavior is now closely resembling a cat in heat. And her husband’s state of inebriation is a total turn on for her. It’s probably a good thing that Simon left the Mercedes dealership to start his own company. Seriously, what do you say to your co-workers after they’ve watched your wife insist on dragging your swim trunks down to show off your “pubes” and gratuitously squeezing your penis for the camera?

Life around the water cooler would never have been the same.

Vicki is uncomfortable with Tamra’s behavior, but that’s not surprising. The only living beings not uncomfortable with this completely gross display are the drunken gropers in question. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that when they watched the episode they were uncomfortable, as well. Or still drunk.

However, it’s time for another Vicki crisis. You could set a clock by her. As their boat navigates it’s path through the harbor full of drunken idiots, people are yelling and objects are flying. Vicki gets hit with a football. In the head. I’m grinning. I can’t help wondering if one of the camera crew didn’t toss it. After all, there has to be some reward system for dealing with her.

Ah, well, back to the new housewife, Lynne, and her husband, Frankie. These two are in a coffee shop looking at ads for cars to buy Raquel for her birthday. Lynne tells us in all seriousness that they’re going to buy her a BMW because she feels confident that Raquel will be safe in a BMW. After my short acquaintance with Raquel, my concern isn’t so much for Raquel’s safety as it is for the other drivers on the road. Personally, I’d make sure that the car came with one of those breathalyzer gadgets that keep you from starting the ignition if you can’t pass the test.

If she was leaning into a car window, would your first thought be A) loving mother, or B) she gives blowjobs for money.

Husband Frank is adamant that the birthday party is not going to take place at his house. Instead, they can rent some place. I really hope said place takes a big ass security deposit. Lynne is resigned to her husband’s decision because tomorrow starts Raquel’s birthday week and she’s going to be spending a lot of money on her darling daughter. Oxygen facials and spray tans!! Woohoo!! After all, it’s every resident’s responsibility to put more orange into Orange County.

Back at Lake Havasu, Arizona, which the editors remind us is at a smoking 120 degrees. Vicki’s entourage is now on land and frolicking in a fountain. Our adults are still wasted and behaving badly in front of their kids. Life must be a hoot for those kids.

Not everybody gets to be greeted with the words “Saw your mom grinding over a jet of water last night” when they visit the local coffee shop.

Tamra’s son, Ryan, is of course drunk. And, really, who’s going to remonstrate with him for getting plowed in the middle of the day? Instead, it’s a much worse issue that sends Tamra into a hysterical mother melt down. Drunken Ryan decides to show drunken mom his newest tattoo; the word “nugget” tastefully inscribed inside his lower lip. He was of course drunk when he implemented this nugget of inspiration. In response to this revelation of new body art, Tamra displays some mothering tactics that had never occurred to me. I’m afraid I’m a little too old fashioned to actually punch a male in the groin.

I generally consider any maneuvers that are illegal in the UFC ring to be unfair in a parental relationship.

On the other hand, when Tamra is drunk her hand does seem to gravitate toward male genitalia. As for the rest of her motherly response, I really have no complaints. Screaming like a harpy in public, before assuming a position usually reserved for defecating in a hole, is always a good way to impress your views on children. The only drawback is that sight of the police arresting momma for being a public nuisance is what the kids are most likely to remember. Sadly, there don’t seem to be any police in Lake Havasu.

Drunken Simon is trying to be a voice reason, but that’s kind of a hard role to maintain when you’re slurring your words. He does manage to point out that Ryan’s basically a good kid because he’s not doing drugs, not killing anybody, and not in jail. It’s so important to be grateful for the small things in life. Sadly, Tamra’s not seeing it that way. Tamra is pissed that Simon’s taking Ryan’s side. So she snuggles up to the nearest warm body, needy Vicki, and recites a drunken loyalty oath.

Don’t worry they’ll over turn prop 8.

The first day of Raquel’s week long birthday festivities has arrived. Raquel sadly tells the camera that she doesn’t think she’s going to have her birthday party at the house. But, hey, her mother’s going to focus all this attention and money on her, so that makes up for it, right? Somehow, Lynne’s idea of focusing on Raquel seems to have changed into focusing on herself, and Raquel’s day of tanning has turned into a tanning party for Lynne’s friends and their daughters. Oh, how fun!! Raquel is having a birthday and Mom is having a party, complete with mimosas. Lynne reassures us that the mimosas are just for the adults *nervous laugh* and then quickly scuttles back up to the house because the kiddies might be hitting the bottle in her absence.

Lynne takes this opportunity to confirm my suspicion that she is pretty much a nightmare encased in plastic. As soon as Raquel leaves the room, Lynne, the MOTHER, starts questioning Alexis about why Raquel’s pissed off and bitching about how ungrateful Raquel is because she just spent so much money on her.

I invited her to my party and everything, and she’s acting like her birthday is supposed to be all about her *slurp* *slurp*

But, when Raquel walks back into the kitchen, her hypocritical mother totally changes her tune and denies, denies, denies that they were discussing Raquel behind her back. Even when Raquel points out that she can hear her mother the same way she can hear the bitchy girls at school when they make fun of her for appearing on this train wreck.

Once again, Raquel exits stage left, and, being too stupid to have understood that the walls in her house are not sound proof, Lynne immediately asks her younger daughter, “Is she hormonal?”

Oh shit, she really can hear me.

Lynne plaintively explains that nothing she does is right. Personally, I’m thinking that not stabbing her daughter in the back would be a great first step. For the record, I’m pretty much hating the new housewife.

Back at Bass Lake in the bosom of Gretchen’s nurturing family, we find our selfless nurse/companion stuffing her face and shaking her own bosom at the breakfast table. We’re treated to a bout of banter over exotic pets that Gretchen’s parents have owned and what should have been an uncomfortable description of Gretchen’s mom as a tiger in the bedroom. But after all of the other antics in this episode, I’m feeling a little too numb to do any real squirming.

Gretchen decides to check in with her fiancé because above all else she’s a caring type of person. And, now, I’m squirming for real. Jeff’s voice is so weak and faint, I can’t help feeling pretty horrified that the producers are including Jeff’s deteriorating condition in their quest for reality TV drama. We leave this week with Gretchen’s family comforting her, and I pray that Jeff’s family was able to be of comfort to him.

I hope all of you managed to do more than just survive the holidays and had an awesome time. For our part, the house is still standing and no one has been physically injured so I’m counting this year an unqualified success.

Thank God for the new year!!

Hugs,
Yenta