Real Housewives of Orange County: L.I.F.E With Vicki, It’s Like Monty Python On Crack

Dear Gasmi,

This week I learned that blue cheese stuffed olives in dirty martinis are definitely the way to go. Yay vodka!! Other than that, Vicki starts her own cult, Lynne plays with her husband’s pole, Jeana discovers homeless people, Gretchen finally takes a vacation, and Tamra gets to reach the pinnacle of her dramatic career on national TV.

Like I said, Yay vodka!

Pour youself out some hooch and take the jump into the dysfunction that is Orange County.

Dear Gasmi,

This week I learned that blue cheese stuffed olives in dirty martinis are definitely the way to go. Yay vodka!! Other than that, Vicki starts her own cult, Lynne plays with her husband’s pole, Jeana discovers homeless people, Gretchen finally takes a vacation, and Tamra gets to reach the pinnacle of her dramatic career on national TV.

Like I said, Yay vodka!

Pour youself out some hooch and take the jump into the dysfunction that is Orange County.

We start this week with Vicki, a cruise ship, her family (minus awesome Breana and wax doll Lauren), and the reassuring revelation that Crack Ho has started her own cult. Yup. You too can now learn everything that our pill popping wonder has to offer. For a small price, she’s finally ready to share all that makes her such a wonder-fucking-ful insurance agent and general all around person. All I can think is that, in the midst of a drug induced haze, Vicki had the profound realization that not only does she possess a gift, it’s also her responsibility to share that gift with the poor plebian masses. I’ve never been one to put much faith in the visions of crack ho’s, but Vicki is convinced that she’s found her calling in life. And she’s realized her drug induced hallicination dream by founding the company ‘L.I.F.E. with Vicki’. ‘L.I.F.E.’ being an ultra clever acronym for ‘Living Inspired and Fully Engaged’ *%**$*#*%* …. Okay, I’m sorry, but I was too busy laughing my ass off to keep typing.

The New Messiah

To kick off the start of her new company, L.I.F.E. with Vicki is sponsoring a three day seminar event on one of the Royal Caribbean cruises, and they’re starting off with a bang, or at least a wee little cocktail party. It’s always good to get a little alcohol into the messiah to take the edge off the crack/diet pill rush. Showing a rare sense of humor, our editors insert a short clip of momma Jeana interviewing that if she was stuck on a cruise ship with Vicki she’d be seriously grateful for those little boats to escape in. Anybody else thinking that, after hours and hours of pasting together these shiksas’ antics in some sort of coherent storyline, our editors are barely holding it together?

Vicki has brought along hubby Donn, son Michael and his bestie Reese to serve as living examples of the ecstasy that LIFE with Vicki can bring. After all, every messiah needs apostles. They also need miracles, or at least really, really impressive feats. Both Buddha and Jesus walked on water, and Muhammad split the moon, so what is crack ho Vicki going to do? She’s going to pop a couple extra diet pills for a quick boost and climb a rock wall. In the scheme of things, this might seem like a lesser miracle.

Until you take a good look at the Buddha size tuchus she’s going to be hauling up behind her.

Crack Ho tells us that she’s always wanted to climb a rock wall and she’s going to climb the one on the cruise ship for success, and to show Michael that the sky’s the limit on his dreams; as long as those dreams are in sync with her own. I can almost see a golden glow settling over her as she embraces her destiny. That is until she sees a climber being lowered on a rope, then that golden glow goes all to hell while she screams in terror like the attention whore crackhead we all know her to be. I’m all for self-improvement, but maybe Vicki wants to start with a slightly less ambitious transformation than turning into a D-list savior. Instead, maybe she could shoot for a stable, drug free, personality?

OMG, I am feeling soooo bad for the poor schmuck who’s stuck belaying her highness up the rock wall. Especially when she starts in with the obnoxious American tourist speech patterns, because God forbid he might not understand her instructions and drop her fat ass. Slooowwwwlllly aaannndddd Caaarrreeefuulllyy up and Slooowwwwlllly aaannndddd Caaarrreeefuulllyy down. I half expect her to ask if he wants her to repeat her instructions in a louder voice.

Just because you’re “special”.

Vicki makes her way up the wall kvetching the entire time like a hormonal teenager until she finds the stupid bell to ring. Time to come down and wheeeee!! Her highness is lowered a tad bit too quickly for her delicate sensibilities. Apparently, the Living Inspired and Fully Engaged doctrine doesn’t say anything about not screeching like a harpy at people being paid to tolerate you. Hitting solid ground she immediately commences shrieking at the poor guy that he dropped her way too fast and she’s never, NEVER, doing that again. But wait!! Where’s husband Donn? Why wasn’t he here to witness her miraculous feat? Where the fuck is her chief apostle?

Kool-aid anyone?

While Vicki is safely contained on a ship, momma Jeana is busy with her daughter Cara. It’s time for Cara to return to Berkeley after her hard working, gun toting, sun tanning summer at home. Apparently, one year of dorm life was enough for the Keough princess, because it was just too hard for her to eat when she could see homeless folk out the window. So, this year momma Jeana has arranged for Cara to stay in a really nice apartment. You know, it was a long time ago, but my first “apartment” during my college years was in the basement of a building on east 13th street in pre-Giuliani Manhattan. Lets just say that this was not a “finished” basement and there wasn’t a security guard at the door. I’m thinking that Cara must be feeling awfully grateful to her mother for her support and indulgence. How stupid am I? Of course Cara’s not feeling grateful. Being completely and totally entitled to everything good and wonderful in life precludes feelings of gratitude. Instead, Cara is busy being a bitch to momma Jeana because she’s not packing the car for Cara.

Uncle Richie enters this scene of domestic tranquility to garner some of the waning bits of camera time left in this season, and he comes bearing a gift for the little darling. What’s more it’s an educationamal gift; a tool to exercise Cara’s brain with games of rock, paper, scissors. Sadly, Uncle Richie’s presence only serves to supply Cara with another victim to aim her nasty spoiled tantrums at. Oh Cara, so young and yet such a complete nightmare.

Ah well, enough of Cara for the time being. Instead, we go to Dallas, Texas to catch up with ‘I’m stuck in the hospital 24 hours a day’ Gretchen while she parties with her college girlfriends. Sadly, after a short time at home, Jeff is back in the hospital. But, no worries, that little setback isn’t going to stop Gretchen from living her life to the fullest, or at least showing off her engagement ring to her girlfriends.

I designed it. He paid for it.

Alas times have changed in the girlfriend circle. Some of the girls have married and some have procreated. Luckily, Gretchen’s not jealous over these tiny little milestones. Instead, she tells us that when Jeff is healthy and strong and can walk down the aisle, they’ll have children together. If this episode’s timeline is at all accurate, Jeff must have passed away several weeks after it was filmed. Therefore, this has got to be one of the saddest statements that I’ve heard on many levels, and I am just too horrified to comment further on it. Luckily for Gretchen, after all that time stuck in the hospital unable to get away to exercise, take care of the house, lunch and dine with friends, visit family, go on vacation, or attend parties, she’s able to fly to Dallas and “get away from all the stress”.

While Vicki recruits her following and Gretchen parties it up in Dallas, Tamra is taking the Barney family (minus Simon) to Cedar Rapids Iowa to visit her father. Tamra informs us that “last year Cedar Rapids suffered the worse flood in it’s history”, and I for one really appreciate the irony of Tamra’s family drama set against a backdrop of real heartbreaking tragedy. The neighborhood her father resides in has been wiped out due to flood and the majority of houses have been abandoned.

It seems that after Dad left mom for mom’s best friend the happily ever after ending just didn’t materialize for him. Eventually Dad got divorced from Mom’s BFF and moved to Iowa. Because, really, where else are you going to go when your life goes completely into the crapper? Iowa sounds as good as anywhere; safe, wholesome, grassfed, with potatoes, or is that Idaho? Anyhoo, dad moved to Iowa where he met his present girlfriend, Amelia. Tamra tells us that her kids have never met their grandfather. By ‘her kids’ it seems that Tamra’s only referring to the spawn of Simon, and conveniently forgetting about Ryan, who’s also along for this little trip down memory lane. It must be confusing for Tamra to keep Ryan’s role in her life straight. Is he a son? A BFF? A cute guy to fix her friends/enemies up with? Or just a painful reminder of her age?

Cara’s nasty bitchy streak seems to have been enough to scare off Uncle Richie, because he’s been replaced by Frankie for the trip up to Berkeley. Cara lets us know that she’s not really looking forward to a road trip with her mom and Frankie, because she just knows her mom is going to be abusive. Seriously? Editors? Do we really have to listen to Cara complain about her life and her abusive mother? Momma Jeana must be feeling the same way, because she snaps “I’m tired of me me me. It’s like I’m with Vicki.” LOL.

Note to Cara: unless you want to become a diet pill popping spokeswoman and a D-list messiah of a wannabe life insurance cult, you might want to tone down the malignant narcissism.

Jeana’s bestie Frankie has been stuffed into the backseat like an awkward, overweight, younger brother who’s gonna spend the trip making smartass comments through a mouthful of chips. Listening to Jeana and Cara bickering he’s all like ‘can you feel the love’ before he starts frantically groping around for the snack bag, because there’s no way he’s going to manage this trip without some heavy duty comfort food.

Possibly because the editors are completely out of even remotely interesting footage, we’re subjected to Jeana and Cara screaming at each other over who’s the worst driver, followed by a bit of witty banter around cute cows and smelly manure. Momma Jeana shares that if she’s not driving then God help the person who is because she’s a raging bitch. And, holy crap, she’s not kidding. If California is serious about cutting it’s inmate population by one third, a good start would be banning menopausal woman from popping diet pills. It’s not that I don’t understand the urge to slap Cara “so hard that she bleeds”. Hell, every time princess Keough opens her mouth this week, I’m winging food at the TV. But it’s a little disturbing to watch normally mellow mama Jeana morph into Roseanne. Meanwhile, Cara is all about the abuse that she’s suffering at her mother’s hands. Honey, you are so lucky that you’re not my kid.

While Jeana and Cara continue to bicker, Crack Ho is having dinner with her apostles and they’re all fighting for the role of Judas. Wait. Judas is the one who betrayed Christ, right? I get a little hazy after the Old Testament. Anyhoo, Vicki wants Michael to be around for all of the next day’s L.I.F.E. meetings so he can act all adoring and devoted. After all, that’s why she paid his way on the cruise. Hmmmmm, I didn’t know you had to pay for apostles. I thought they just followed you around out of their own free will, sort of like the way us recappers follow Flipit around. Unfortunately, Michael’s not really into the whole apostle thing, he’s more into doing cruise type things like drinking and pretending to try and bang chicks in bikinis since his wax girlfriend’s not around.

Definitely not gay…

Over in la la land, Lynne and husband Frankie are sneaking away for a romantic weekend together. In a pathetic attempt to give some continuity between this segment and the rest of the show, Lynne tells us that “all the ladies are out of town this week” so she and Frank thought they’d check into a hotel together. Because you know those OC non-housewives are just a hive of besties when the cameras aren’t around. LOL. Didn’t Vicki give an interview where she flat out stated that she didn’t even have Lynne’s phone number?

After seeing the baby doll nightie that Lynne’s wearing, I’m guessing that she’s planning on going straight from the car to the bed, or maybe the floor…

Having changed from her nightie to an actual dress, Lynne and Frankie are having a romantic dinner on the porch. But what about the demon spawn? Amazingly, it turns out that Lynne does have a small grasp on reality. She tells us that she knows she can’t leave her girls alone. Thank God for that. After all, it’s important for a mother to know her children’s limitations.

Lynne’s mom is in charge of the kids and she’s such a good grandmother. But Lynne was probably pissed as hell when she saw what happened in her house when she was gone. Calories!! And not just any calories. Not even alcoholic calories. We’re talking empty, carbohydrate ridden, chocolate coated with whipped, calories.

Love you Grandma!!

At the romantic dinner au deux, Lynne is soulfully sharing that “teenagers are hard, man.” Frankie sighs because he loves it when his wife talks hipster and then waxes poetic about parenthood. Something about a car and a road and what they need them for. Lynne has her normal blank look as she nods, then latches on to the one word she understood: car. Right, about that car they got Raquel for her birthday and that really big Winnebago across the street. Well, Lynne’s got some bad news. Frankie gives her a resigned look and waits for it. Lynne nervously confesses that when the car met the Winnebago the rear view mirror got knocked clean off. Seeing that Frankie is taking the car revelation calmly, Lynne takes a deep breath and adds that she found cigarettes in Alexis’ purse…pause….again. But, because she’s delusional and really, really stupid, Lynne doesn’t think that the cigarettes in Alexis’ purse really belong to Alexis. Wow. So how’s Frankie going to burst his wife’s pathologically optimistic bubble? He’s not. He doesn’t think the cigarettes in Alexis’ purse belong to her either. Head slap. WTF? Do they think she’s just offering to carry them for legal aged adults out of politeness.

Cigarettes and demon spawn aside, Frankie really, really likes his wife’s dress and he wants some of that. Now. Lynne is all like ‘what about the waiter and the neighbors’, but Frankie doesn’t care. He’s brought his pole and he wants a dance. And, OMG, I’m actually feeling for his daughters if they had to watch their parents having such a completely cheesy soft porn convo. But maybe they’ve already heard it. It seems like this isn’t the first time the pole’s been brought into play because Lynne’s happily telling Frankie that she’s been practicing. You go girl.

It’s nice to know that you’re working to improve on your natural talents.

Back to the really, really long car trip with the Keough family. Cara is breaking with the noble tradition of decorating her first apartment via garage sales and dumpsters. Instead, she’s raiding Frankie’s storage house. Lucky Cara, she’s getting real, possibly even good, furniture for free. Is she even remotely grateful? Hell no. Frankie’s storage house is just further evidence of her sorry assed, abused, dysfunctional childhood.

Hate

Finally arriving at Cara’s apartment, Jeana tells us that rents are quite expensive in Berkeley and that Cara’s apartment is in a security building with cameras blah blah blah. While we don’t get to see the inside of the apartment, I gather from their warm, fuzzy, mother daughter bitching dialogue that it’s a two story apartment. Thank you, Bravo. I confess that I’ve been staying up at night worrying about Cara’s return to the common dorms among the plebian masses. Now that I know that she will be able to live out her sophomore year carefully sheltered by her financially elite existence, I will sleep soundly.

The sight of Ryan groping at one of his extended cousins is only slightly less nauseau inspiring than Cara’s entitled, spoiled, existence. Ryan, Tamra, Dad, Amelia, and a bunch of relatives that Tamra hasn’t met since she was five are sitting down to a family getting-to-know-you dinner. It looks like they’ve chosen a Benihana Steakhouse for this little shindig. I’m hoping that when their cook wings the food at Ryan’s plate he misses. The blond older woman that Ryan is trying to bone is named Nancy. She vaguely resembles Tamra and shows an alarming tendency to reveal a wide variety of body parts. Especially when Ryan shares that he tends to attract older women. Is there a major male shortage in Cedar Rapids? Did all the men drown in the flood? Because that’s the only reason I can come up with for the giggling, snuggling, slutting flirtation that Nancy’s holding with skanky, douchebag, Ryan. Tamra’s looking like she swallowed a lemon and her father’s looking plain horrified. The poor man’s already had a nightmare year. I’m hoping that Ryan’s earnest attempt to bump nasties with a relative who’s twenty years older than him doesn’t give his grandfather a heart attack, or a really bad case of acid reflux.

Don’t worry, daddy, I made him leave his rufies at home.

After moving her daughter into her new luxurious quarters, Jeana decides to go for a little stroll with Cara to see the sights. First there’s the “tree people”, or rather the people who are protesting the excavation of the Indian artifacts below the trees by living in them. Jeana’s not getting this protest thing at all. How the hell is the maid service supposed to get up into those tree houses? Then there’s the homeless people. Cara tells us that she was a little bit scared of the homeless people because she thought that they might be violent or drug addicts. I can’t help thinking that she’s underrating herself. After all, she’s grown up with Shane and Vicki, so she should be pretty good at handling unpredictably violent people and generally unpredictable addicts. Silly me, totally different situations. Shane and Vicky have homes, so they’re still part of the same species. These homeless people, otherwise known as “bummers”, are more like animals in a zoo. Cara is excitedly pointing the “bummers” out to her mother with all of the excitement of a tourist pointing out animals on a safari, happily chanting, “There’s one, There’s one”. For her part, Momma Jeana is bemused by the presence of so many “bummers” and wonders why they don’t have any in Orange County, where everything is shiny and plastic and botoxed and new.

Honestly, I really can’t tell if she’s wondering about homeless migration patterns or wondering if a small herd of bummers in one of the parks would add a certain panache.

Back at Life with Vicki, our crack ho is in full swing ministering to her potential followers by telling them the story of how she got into insurance. And now, she wants to share. She wants to know the trials and tribulations of her followers and how they found their way to her. And, oh crap, a contestant from Rue Paul’s drag race has entered the conference and is all about telling her story of being a Vegas pole dancer. She finishes up by explaining that “when you’re 40, 50, 60 you can’t strap those heels on and hit the poles. You need to find something else to do to take care of yourself.” Vicki nods and mumbles back “It’s tough”, like she’s being faced with a dangerous criminal that she needs to humor. I love this woman. She’s beautiful in a totally drag kind of way; she’s completely unapologetic about her story; and she’s causing Vicki to look like she just got an electric shock from her vibrator.

I bet she’s related to that guy at the climbing wall

Gretchen and her girlfriends are still doing girl bonding things in Dallas. But, now that two of the girlfriends have newborns, Gretchen shares that it’s kind of difficult because they’re not used to lugging around kids on the girl’s weekend. Still, above all else, Gretchen is about making lemonade from lemons and she’s just going with the flow and enjoying the opportunity to spruce up her age appropriate dialogue.

“What are you staring at? I know, they’re big, huh”

One of Gretchen’s girlfriends takes her cue from a PA and tells her in a sincere voice that “anyone” (meaning Jeff) going through that situation (meaning cancer) would be so lucky to have someone who loves them and is there for them (meaning Gretchen). I don’t know how you do it.” Gretchen almost brings tears to my eyes with the pathos of her response: “You do your hair and makeup, and make yourself look pretty on the outside, but you can break down anytime on the inside.” While I’m still sniffling, Gretchen adds that she and Jeff had a rule, when he first got diagnosed, that “we were going to live our life to the same level that we lived it before.” I can only give her credit for having the sense to remove herself and the camera crew to Dallas so that Jeff wouldn’t be inconvenienced by them if he did come back home from the hospital while she was gone.

The day’s meetings at the Living Inspired and Fully Engaged seminar are reaching a crescendo. Our borderline, pill popping, crack ho takes a moment to proudly tell us that “this is all I do. I change people’s lives.” Meanwhile a lieutenant preacher assures her audience that they’re standing on the cusp of a wave, because soon enough Vickiantity will be sweeping through the nation with churches on every corner right next to the local crack house. Sadly, our savior is a wee bit lacking in the serenity department right now. That Goddamn apostle Michael has been seriously slacking. He was supposed to be spending his day worshipping at Vicki’s feet and he hasn’t even tried to contact her.

I’ll pay you the going rate.

Well, that went well. Bruised but still defiant, Michael does what any man would do after being publicly remonstrated by his mother; he grabs his buddy and heads for the bar. What a surprise, dapper Donn is already there. Michael slides onto the stool next to his slightly inebriated step-father and indignantly demands to know how Donn got out of attending Vicki’s meetings. Donn orders another drink and admits that he’ll probably catch “the wrath of it later.”

In that case chugalug Donny boy, cuz your going to need something to dull the pain.

These family segments are so heartwarming. Having dispensed with the slutty cousin and douchebag Ryan, Tamra and her father carry some folding chairs outside to sit by the river, and my stomach clenches. This is it, the Tamra/Dad cryfest. Her father tells her a little plaintively that he’d like to think that he was a good parent. Tamra agrees and I take a big swig of my martini. Dad continues that he’d also like to think that Tamra and her brother had a normal childhood. Tamra continues to agree. Way to go dad. We’re off to a good start here. Everybody’s agreeing, there aren’t any tears, and I’ve just refilled my drink. Holla!! But Tamra’s not one to dwell on the good times. Nope, she jumps right over her happy childhood and lands on those years in her twenties when her parents divorced. She tells her father that he and her mother did a really good job keeping their relationship problems away from their kids. Tamra’s dad sighs in a resigned fashion like he knows where this is going on camera and he just wants to get it over with. He tells Tamra that it was difficult living with her mother because she wasn’t a happy person and he couldn’t make her happy. If only he had known that the key to his ex-wife’s happiness lay in the hands of a well-dressed plastic surgeon. But, sadly, Dad had no idea what to do, so he decided to make some big changes to make himself happy; chiefly getting a divorce and marrying his ex-wife’s best friend. I bet that really helped his ex-wife’s general depression.

Then a few details come out that cause me to feel a little sympathy for Tamra. I hate it when that happens. It turns out that wife number two was kind of a bitch. Go figure. Who’d have thunk that a woman who would marry her BFF’s husband six months after they divorced would turn out to be a bitch? This lovely lady didn’t want Tamra or her brother around and it seems like Dad just went along with his new wife’s wishes. WTF? I hate to say it but there might be some reason for Tamra’s issues.

And, now, Daddy’s going to pay for her pain on national television.

I feel bad for Tamra, I really do. But I could also do without her hysterical and slightly creepy wailing that she loves her dad so much, that she’s never loved anyone in her life as much as she loves him, and she just needs to know that he loves her for who she is. I know that Simon believes that any problems he and Tamra have are based in her daddy abandonment issues, but I’m beginning to think that her overall daddy issues go a bit deeper than Simon realizes.

With Cara safely ensconced in her secure apartment far above the “bummers”, Jeana has returned home and is all ready to party it up for her birthday. It looks like Jeana’s got a date with the father of one of Shane’s teammates. You go girl! Hear that bed? You might finally get to try out those new sheets. Jeana shares that she hasn’t had a fun birthday in a lot of years (meaning Matt) and she hasn’t been wined and dined in a really long time. Then, as if reading my mind, she adds “I don’t count Vicki and I going to dinner.” Poor Vicki, she tries so hard to be the man.

With Matt banished from the house, and Uncle Richie and Frankie absent, Jeana has no one around to help her choose a dress, so Colton gets to play dress momma. I’ve got to say that Colton comes off surprisingly sweet and supportive during this interlude. He manages to keep his mother from wearing the blue sack dress with the hanging diaper pouch, and even points out that she really ought to wear a more cheerful color than black on her birthday. More importantly, he firmly tells his mom not to confuse her guilt feelings with his feelings, because he’s really okay with the whole thing. Go Colton. He even represses a frustrated sigh when Jeana wonders what Matt is doing and why he hasn’t called her on her birthday. Good Lord, Jeana, he hasn’t called because he’s an abusive, alcoholic douche.

So how did you turn out, okay?

The first and last thing we see of Jeana’s mystery date is a shot of a good ole boy, ultra-expensive, cowboy boot before we get a “to be continued” notice. I’m guessing that Jeana’s found herself an exciting D-list celebrity or ex-pro-athlete. I’m just too lazy to google who it might be.

That’s it for this week. Next week is the season finale, followed by the NYC hausenfrau and am I excited!!! Even though it means two recaps, back-to-back. Damn you, Bravo!!

Love you guys. Thanks so much for hanging in there for twelve long weeks!!! Reading your comments have made those irreclaimable hours spent watching, obsessing, and writing so much more worthwhile. I honestly don’t think I would have made it through this long a stretch without you guys to keep me giggling.

Hugs,

Yenta

***To read Chapter Seven of Yenta’s novel, The Traveling Prayer, click here!