Welcome back to the home sweet home of our favorite buxom botoxed ladies. A place where self indulgence is a must, and it’s always okay to ask for more.
In Orange County even the bunnies are super happy to see you. And, yes, that is a furry purple penis you’re looking at. My apologies.
This week Tamra gets slutty, Gretchen straddles a bike, Vicki gets even weirder, and Lauri is so over all of it. Thankfully, Jeana is still sane. So, grab a couple bottles of wine and take the jump…
Tonight we start off with the adventures of Tamra and her newly stay-at-home hubby, Simon. Simon has quit his day job with the Mercedes dealership to start his own company, which translates to newly laid off and drunk 24/7. Actually, that’s pure speculation. Simon seems like a decent husband and he may really want to spend more time with his family. Tamra on the other hand seems a tad bit stressed by the constant presence of her loving husband, not to mention those God damn needy midgets running around her house, demanding attention, and calling her Mommy. You know, almost like they were toddlers.
I used to work for Cirque de Soleil, until this woman kidnapped me, dressed me a like a little kid, and made me call her Mommy. Some day I’ll break free.
Now that her son, Ryan, has left the nest, Tamra has plans to turn his bedroom into her new workout room. As a parent, I completely appreciate this plan. If you don’t reclaim each piece of the house as soon as they move out, the next thing you know your kids will be moving back in with trash bags full of depressingly dirty laundry for you to wash.
Lucky, lucky, Simon. Not only does he get to haul all of Tamra’s workout equipment from it’s current place in their bedroom into the new room, but he gets to be yelled at too. Either Simon’s the worst mover ever, or there’s a little passive aggression taking place here. It’s really a neat little cycle they have going. Tamra bitches and Simon accidentally destroys another little piece of the house, leaving an ever-widening swath of destruction.
Meanwhile, our friendly editors are supplying us with a voiceover of Simon explaining his philosophy that to raise healthy kids it’s super important to have a healthy relationship with your spouse. What’s particularly inspiring about Tamra and Simon’s relationship is the full extent to which Tamra embraces her husband’s philosophy on child rearing. And, it’s nice to see how secure Tamra can feel about her daughter’s well being, when she screams at her to shut the fuck up because mommy is busy bitching at daddy. After all, as long as Simon has a house to beat the crap out of, their relationship is going to be solid and that’s all that matters. And, oh yeah, Daddy and Mommy are about to go on vacation to celebrate ten years of wrecked houses and wedded bliss.
With some driving bluesy music in the background, we go to visit with Gretchen and Jeff, while Gretchen does what Gretchen does best; shop that is. Today we’re looking at large shiny objects called motorcycles. In Gretchen’s mind, motorcycles and jewelry, like most sparkly, shiny things in the world, exist for no other purpose than to serve as accessories to set off her blond assets. Like any other thirty-year-old woman, with the determined focus of an acquisitive twelve year old, Gretchen wants a pink motorcycle so that people will know that she’s a girl. Not only that, but a pink bike will totally stand out, which is important when you need to be the focus of attention 24/7.
Apparently, Gretchen’s tastes are strong with the preteen demographic.
Discovering that there are no pink bikes in the adult store, Gretchen wanders over to a random shiny bike that catches her eye and asks the sales guy if it’s a cool bike for a girl to own. Ascertaining that in the sales guy’s considered opinion, based on years of expertise, that it is in fact a cool bike for a girl to own, Gretchen immediately follows her natural instinct and straddles it.
The bike’s only worth $10,000.
While she continues to discuss such weighty issues as spiked heels or flat boots, Jeff shuffles over with an ad for riding lessons. Thank the Lord, because the thought of this woman weaving through California traffic on her pretty new bike, leaving a trail of wreckage and destruction in her wake, is what my traffic nightmares are made of.
While Jeff looks on like an indulgent parent, Gretchen gets down to serious business, checking herself out in the rear view mirror and patting her tuchus lovingly for Jeff. Sadly, it seems like choosing a motorcycle may have to involve another one of those difficult compromises that Gretchen faces in life, and she says a little wistfully that she likes the way that the bike feels, but it’s not very cute. Personally, I think she should just shut her eyes when she rides it. After all, I’m sure it’s nothing that she hasn’t done before. Poor Jeff finally admits that he’s “hit the wall” and, looking like he’s on the verge of collapsing, staggers over to the nearest table to rest. Gracefully stepping up to fill the void, Gretchen giggles and babbles about putting Jeff on the back of her bike until he’s strong enough to ride his own.
While Jeff is recovering, we go to visit with Vicki while she packs for a family vacation to Puerto Vallarta. And, of course, it would be unreasonable to expect Vicki to pack without help, and, by help, I mean providing an audience to applaud Vicki’s wardrobe choices. Vicki’s daughter, Briana, is the lucky assistant. You can just tell how overjoyed she is to approve her middle-aged mother’s sixteen bikinis and tiny sundresses.
U hve 2 get me out of here.
It’s a universal law that all teenagers love to see their parents out in public dressed in the same clothes that they wear. Especially, bikinis. If you really want to wreak revenge on your kids show up on a beach with them in a tiny bikini, or even better, a speedo if you’re a dad. This entire scene is totally weirding me out, because in my mind the middle-aged mother would be sitting on the couch giving her support to her daughter’s choices in bikinis and sundresses. Either way, it sucks to be the person on the couch and Briana is not loving the process. Poor Vicki, it’s so hard for her to comprehend a situation where people aren’t applauding and worshipping her every move. When Briana finally makes her escape, Vicki’s plaintive whining of her daughter’s name, Briiiii-aaa-naaa is both haunting and heartbreaking, or at least, really, really annoying.
Abandoned by her daughter, Vicki looks for a more appreciative audience in Jeana, whom she joins for drinks. In the course of the conversation, revolving around a trip to Greece later in the summer and the impending trip to Mexico, Vicki reveals that her husband, Don, is not invited on these trips. So, I’m guessing that Vicki doesn’t adhere to the relationship model of a married couple working as equals and making decisions together as a team. I’m thinking that she’s more into the Fidel Castro type of dictator model for her marriage. Not that I’m criticizing. I could see huge benefits to the model, if I could be Fidel. However, I’m thinking my hubby might revolt. But, Vicki’s not unreasonable. I mean she totally has her reasons for not inviting her husband. After all, she wants to spend time with her sister and her kids, and if Don’s there he’s just going to be a distraction. Besides, Don’s going fishing with a friend while they’re gone. But, most importantly, there’s going to be a lot of hot cabana boys who’ll be more likely to appreciate a rich middle-aged bikini clad American if her hubby’s not around.
Don just totally cramps my style.
Following this week’s theme of marital relationships, we return to the issue of Tamra and Simon’s ten year wedding anniversary. WooHoo!!! And, Tamra, being the awesomely devoted exhibitionist that she is, plans on giving Simon a lingerie fashion show to celebrate the event. So, the question is whether Tamra’s going to be a trampy vamp or a naughty nurse?
Either one has got to be better than the wilting salad somebody glued to her chest.
Oh, goody, we get to watch Tamra vamp around for the camera in slutty, yet weirdly campy lingerie. Seriously, some of the outfits look a lot more like Halloween costumes than anything Heidi Klum would wear down the runway.
Simon might be hoping for Debbie does Dallas, but he’s going to get Tamra does Whoville.
Of course, to add some punch to the evening, there’s the obligatory sex toys. But, I don’t know, when Tamra shoves her fingers in her ears to block out an explanation of a cock ring, it makes me think that she might be a little bit squeamish. More of a look, but don’t touch too much, type of girl. Happily, there’s the most adorable little mechanical penis head to distract me from picturing Simon and Tamra’s sex life.
Seriously, this has got to be the cutest line of genitalia, ever.
While Tamra explores the world of cock rings and fur covered hand cuffs, Jeana is hard at work as a successful realtor. Not that the housing crisis hasn’t touched Coto de Caza, because it definitely has. But, Jeana’s in the top %1 of the real estate market so, while an entire industry of realtors is suffering, she’s pretty sure she’ll be fine. Instead, of selling homes at their normal multi-million dollar prices she’s handling a lot of short sales. Today, Jeana is meeting with Dennis and Tina Fey. And for a second, I don’t know whether to laugh because I love Tina Fey, or cry because she’s on a reality show selling a house in a short sale. And, then I giggle, because I’m being a bimbo and it’s not THAT Tina Fey, at all.
Is it awful that I’m happy that it’s this Tina Fey who’s losing her house?
I’m getting a little nervous as I listen to Jeana explain how she prefers short sales over foreclosures because foreclosures take forever and make the neighborhood look ugly. I really want to like Jeana, she’s always been an oasis in this land of dysfunction, but she seems so completely detached from the financial tragedy that goes with these situations that it kind of bothers me.
Far away from a dreary world of short sales and foreclosures, at least for now, Lauri and George are out riding their horses around their property in the gated community of San Juan Capistrano. Awww. Life looks so good when you completely disregard reality. George and Lauri’s youngest girls, one belonging to each of the parents, step out holding up signs advertising for a horse wash instead of a car wash. And, damn, these little girls are cute. If only Lauri just didn’t speak, it would be a wonderful little segment. But, no, instead she lets us know how much better life is in San Juan Capistrano that it was in Coto de Caza. Because Lauri’s tired of rules and, here, she can make her own rules that clearly state that she is the absolute queen of all that she surveys. Besides, what good is it being on a reality TV show if she can’t let the world know how far she’s come and how blessed her life is. Oh, Lauri, remember when you were poor and struggling to keep your townhouse by slaving away as an employee in Vicki’s insurance agency? I liked you so much more before you were blessed.
Does it bother anybody else that Lauri looks more and more like she belongs on the cover of a gothic horror novel?
But, before Lauri can really get going on an inventory of all the perks in her new life, the cameras leave to follow her daughter, Ashley. Ashley, who has had some significantly difficult times on the show, is busy is developing a line of skin care products. She’s so young and hopeful, I really hope that she has some success with this venture. Of course, showing up on time to meet with her investors would be a good start, but the fact that she has investors at all is impressive. Apparently, Lauri’s blessings don’t extend to financially investing in her daughters business. I’m not sure that this is such a good move on Lauri’s part. I’m thinking that putting a little money into Ashley’s business could be like an investment in Lauri’s own future. After all, if she and George split up then maybe Ashley will hire her as something more than a night janitor.
Back among the lower peons of Orange County, Vicki and her husband, Don, are eating dinner out. Vicki toasts to a great dinner, the fact that they’re still together, and an amazing summer. And that’s about as far as the romance part of the evening gets, because following the toast Don has the chutzpah to ask what his wife’s schedule for the summer looks like. Really, it feels like these two aren’t even married. I mean how do you plan an entire season without your husband knowing the schedule? Vicki lists out her back-to-back trips starting with Mexico, followed by a trip with Jeana, a trip to West Palm Beach, a cruise, and then a trip to Chicago with the kids to visit her family. So, Vicki will see her husband some time in September.
But, don’t worry, honey, I’m leaving money in the kitchen drawer so you can hire an escort service for the months I’m gone.
Don makes a spirited attempt to explain to his wife that, while he might opt out of trips, he’s allowed to go on them if he wants, because their marriage is a democracy, dammit. My problem is that as much as I want to like Don and I try to like Don, I just can’t warm up to Don. Every time I try to listen to what he’s saying, he reminds me of a low level mobster spewing some weirdly twisted street wisdom. Like when he tells Vicki, “You want to dance? We’ll dance”, and he’s leaning forward with one of those really creepy grins that people get when they feel like they’ve got the upper hand in an argument. It’s just like a scene from the Sopranos when Tony tells some punk, “You wanna mess with me? Go ahead and mess with me” and two episodes later the punk turns up dead in the trunk of an abandoned car.
Vicki decides to tempt fate by raising the spector of her ex-husband being invited to a barbecue during the family trip to Chicago that Don’s not invited on. Don’s not liking this scenario so much, because in his words her ex-husband is a piece of trash and he’d like the opportunity to tell him that to his face. Luckily, since we’re seeing this segment on TV, I think it’s fair to say that Don is having his chance to make his feelings known, albeit not directly to the ex’s face. In this instance, I kind of have to go with Tony Soprano’s way of handling things. Quietly whacking the ex would probably have demonstrated a firmer grasp of social etiquette than shredding the man’s character on national TV for all the world, including family, children, various friends, and enemies, to see. However, Vicki doesn’t seem to think too much about this. Her concern at the moment is that Don never adopted the kids and if he had adopted the kids, well then, they’d all be one big happy family by now.
We leave Don, Vicki, and the questions of adoptions and potential whackings, to drop in on Jeana for a progress report on her current short sale. The sale’s gone through and Dennis comes by her house to sign off on the property. This time Jeana expresses that she feels bad, and, really, what are you going to do? From her perspective as a real estate agent she’s probably seen a lot of people come and go for a wide variety of reasons. No matter what happens, she tells us she still makes money on the properties and she takes care of herself.
For this week’s obligatory group bonding time, our shiksas are taking a little trip to the Sonya Dakar Spa. And, of course, they’re traveling in style. A stretch limo pulls up to Gretchen’s house with the four other women already ensconced and in full bitch mode. Is it just me, or have these women gotten progressively bitchier over the past few years? It seems to me that I remember enjoying the support that these ladies used to give each other. Seriously, getting into that limo is like jumping into a tank of blond piranhas. Laurie starts us off by taking the opportunity to share that she’s very relieved to be able to hand over her gold digger title to Gretchen because Gretchen fits it so much better than she ever did. I personally think that Lauri’s selling herself a bit short there.
Not so long ago, Lauri was busy digging away with the best of them.
As Gretchen steps out on to her walkway, Tamra implores the other women to hold on to their daddies, which is both funny and wise. However, Jeana’s more of a romantic and is sad to see that “Grampa” isn’t at the door to kiss Gretchen goodbye. Poor Jeana, it seems kind of hard to deprive her of even this little bit of vicarious romance. As Gretchen bounces her way toward the car, the women collectively eye her highly visible assets with jaundiced eyes. Vicki announces that Gretchen got a boob job, but Lauri, wise in all things plastic, objects, saying that she couldn’t get a boob job in just one week.
If there’s one thing i know about it’s plastic surgery. Oh, and marrying rich men.
Tamra explains that Gretchen must be wearing those chiclet things. WTF? I think she must mean the chicken filets that women wear inside their bra to give added fullness and size. Frankly, given the size of Tamra’s endowments I’m surprised she knows about them. Her knowledge must come from that hazy time, long ago, before she had her breast implant surgery.
On the ride to the spa, Gretchen explains the history of Jeff’s leukemia diagnosis. Now, I don’t care who you are, or what the circumstances are, if a person is explaining that their fiancÃ© is battling a fatal form of cancer, you close your fucking laptop and listen. Even the homeless woman, who lives down the block and believes that the pigeons and squirrels are really aliens sending her secret messages, would have managed to mutter ‘that’s too bad’ before going back to making the weird little chirpy sounds she uses to communicate. Yes, Vicki I’m talking to you.
My name is Vicki and I’m a workaholic, crack addict, alcoholic with no manners or empathy, whatsoever. Do you think I could get a job writing recaps for the Gasm?
The VP of the spa leads the ladies up to the roof top for a light luncheon, complete with champagne. Of course, this is one of those totally awkward contrived affairs that has to at once look like an ordinary luxury in the ladies life and also a special event. Taking advantage of the situation to show off their grasp of society etiquette, the ladies behave like drunken high school cheerleaders beating up on the new girl in a typical after school TV special.
Both of these groups of women qualify as Mean Girls, the women in one of them are old enough to be adults.
Gretchen starts off the meal by making a toast and it kind of gets interrupted and taken over until Vicki finishes it. Laurie interviews with her new ‘I’m soooooo over Coto de Caza and the girls’ attitude, to tell us that Vicki is a hypocrite. And, you know, I’m so glad Lauri shared that insight because otherwise I might never have noticed that about Vicki. Meanwhile, Vicki’s explaining that while she and the kids are going to Mexico, Don’s going to go fishing with a friend. Apparently, when she was off camera, Vicki pulled out the old crack pipe, because she’s talking at light speed, spitting, and motioning frantically as she describes her take on fishing.
Sonya Dakar, the owner of the skin care clinic, comes up to the roof to greet her guests and claim a little camera time. As far as I’m concerned she totally deserves it. Hell, I have nothing but admiration for any 110 year old woman that still looks like she’s only ninety.
I only hope that when I’m dead I look half as good.
After Sonya leaves, the conversation turns to the events of the past seasons and Jeana asks Lauri if she’s worn the outfits that she got at her wedding shower. Lauri admits to having worn most of them, but not the tassels, because no matter how she shakes her ta-tas she just can’t get those suckers to spin around. Luckily, Gretchen received tassels when she got married, as well. And she made up a little song and dance to wear them with (I’m not kidding about this). Sadly, before Gretchen can explain the mechanics of tassels, or demonstrate her song and dance, the girls are completely distracted by the fact that she was married before. A practical soul, Tamra immediately asks if Gretchen left her ex-husband because he was poor. Vicki, still whacked out of her gourd, perks up like a dog being promised a slab of bacon and, when Gretchen admits that her ex husband was nine years older than her, starts to pant for more.
Ooooooh, I’m going to be so mean to you.
While Tamra continues to elicit more details about Gretchen’s daddy fixation, Vicki’s chemical high suddenly crashes and she lashes out at Gretchen telling her to shut up. Acting under the assumption that Vicki is a sane person, who just happens to be behaving badly, instead of a whacked out, crack whore, masquerading as a businesswoman, Gretchen attempts to set some boundaries. It’s kind of sweet to see her explaining to Vicki that, just because she’s new, Vicki doesn’t gets to tell her to shut up. Good luck with that, Gretchen. I’m sure, as the season rolls on, you’ll let us know how that approach is working out for you. Enough of lunch, already, lets move on to the luxurious pampering that awaits these women.
Can’t you hit her with a small bolt of lightning?
While Jeana lays back in the chair gently snoring, Vicki pecks away at her blackberry until she decides that she needs a bigger audience than the spa attendants, camera crew, and production staff assigned to their segment, and she prods Jeana awake.
Seriously? You woke me up to show me a text message?
Due to unspecified family obligations, Lauri gets to leave the the spa a little early. Personally, I’m thinking it’s more along the lines of, ‘I’ve got money now, so I don’t have to do reality shows. Bye-bye, suckaahs!!!’ I read somewhere that Jaqueline Lee Bouvier developed a similar attitude toward her friends and family when she married John F. Kennedy.
Our other two shiksas, Tamra and Gretchen, are sitting next to each other, with Tamra feeling a little insecure that she’s not wearing any makeup. I’m just happy that Gretchen’s babble is going to be offset by Tamra’s more astringent personality. Gretchen is in the process of explaining that she wants four kids, when Jeff calls on her cell phone. It’s apparent from the conversation that he’s having a tough day, and Gretchen even seems momentarily concerned when she turns back to Tamra and says, “he’s feeling down.”
So, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, I want four kids…
I so love Tamra. After the big day at the spa, she tells us, “Gretchen’s really sweet. I’m really looking forward to getting to know her… Yeah right!!!” LOL
Just in case we’ve forgotten about Ashley’s skin care line, the editors reintroduce it. Lauri and Ashley meet for lunch, and Lauri’s complete lack of interest as Ashley describes her skin care products is sadly reminiscent of George’s level of interest in the honeymoon Laurie was describing during the last episode. As a not-so-loving mother, Lauri takes a minute to give us her personal opinion on the venture. After all, the wicked bitch queen of the West, has a business degree and some experience in business. She knows what it takes, as opposed to her daughter Ashley, who doesn’t have a clue about business. It’s important for Laurie to share her thoughts, because publicly undermining your children is such an effective parenting technique.
Still bitter about that jewelry line to nowhere? Hmmmm?
The next morning, Vicki inflicts permanent trauma on her son’s psyche by standing over him clad only in a towel when she wakes him up. Of course, this is only a preview of the good times to come when Vicki will adorn the beaches clad only in her designer swimwear. Perhaps, these same thoughts occurred to Michael, because his first thought of the morning is that he really doesn’t want to go to Puerto Vallarta. After all, he just got back from a two-week trip to Costa Rica. Briana, who’s suffering from a stomach flu, is happy to rebel as well.
In normal fruitcake fashion, Vicki swings from a happy acceptance of her son’s rebellion to a screaming and throwing clothes kind of rage in the space of a fairly short time. Consistency is always a challenge in parenting, but getting one person’s multiple personalities to agree on a response seriously complicates the issue. In principle, I agree that changing plans at the last minute is not okay. But, if I was going on a vacation with Vicki, I’d personally consider committing myself to a psychiatric ward to be a reasonable course of action.
Sometimes you just have to lock the crazy people out.
Having bullied her children into submission, Vicki happily explains to her husband that she’s got her stilettos for the cobblestone streets because they make her legs look longer. And, oh yeah, along with the cash in the kitchen drawer, she’s left some numbers for some really swanky stripper services for him to call.
Michael tells us that he realized his mom was angry when she started dropping f-bombs and freaking out on him. Meanwhile, Vicki’s murmuring in her little dog’s ear that Michael was being a bad boy and they can’t let him be a bad boy, which is all just a little too psycho killer crazy. No wonder Briana’s sick to her stomach at the thought of the trip, and wishing that Don was coming. Like I said, a padded room is sounding kind of good in comparison to that family vacation.
So, Gasmii, the word in commercial land is that one of the housewives will be leaving the show next week. I’m guessing that it’s Lauri, simply because she seems totally uninterested in the housewife social scene. What do you folks think? Does anybody have any solid info on who’s leaving? And, more importantly, is Gretchen growing on you or is she going to go the way of Quinn? See, you next week.