Alexis is there with her chauvenist husband who won’t let her try anything on. He says that there are other men present and that is just not a part of their world. I hate to admit it but Tamra is right when she remarks that he didn’t seem to mind her being half naked at the pool party. Yeah, he’s a hypocrite and a posturing fool and this holier than thou schtick is getting old fast. I wonder what their deal is.
I mean, nobody goes on a reality show because they are normal well adjusted individuals. There’s got to be something wrong with them. Maybe he goes all Grifters on her ass every once in a while and beats her with a towel full of oranges. Maybe they’re Moonies or Scientologists.
I don’t know but something isn’t right in the milk with those two.
Tamra has no problem parading her sunspotted ass all over the dressing room and Simon finally gets a boner for her. Must be the Champagne. Or the Champagne boy? Hmmmm? Hmmm?
It can’t be Tamra. She’s about as sexy as genital wart. Maybe he’s slowly going blind from tequila he has to drink to put up with her.
Dude, let it go! She’ll be dead from malignant melanoma any day now, anyway.
Her dressing room is right next to Gretchen’s and they seem to be speaking to each other without screaming for a change. Tamra’s not so brazenly bitchy with Slade around and no Crackie there to back her up, now is she? That’s okay.
She’s still younger and hotter, you dumb cow.
Not to mention the fact that I bet Simon has no idea what a bitter bitch his wifey has turned into. Putting on the kind of display she did at the St. Regis right in front of him can’t be explained away by bad editing, now can it Tamra?
Plus, she’s about to get laid for the first time in months and she doesn’t want to spoil it.
Back at Coto, Jeana is at home with the kids and her adorable new puppy. They pal around the table eating burgers and joking about this and that. It’s nice to see everyone getting along. Funny how that works out. You spend your childhood wanting to kill your siblings only to be best friends once you don’t live under the same roof anymore.
Shane admits that he has only said I love you to one woman, Mama Jeana.
Side note- I honestly wish that everyone would come out of the closet already. I have a cousin who almost died because of her sexuality and a friend who only feels comfortable being gay when she’s drunk, and it bugs me no end. I know, you’re thinking “Twunty, what will you do if you can’t make bad gay jokes? You’ll die!!”
The truth is that I’ll still make them, only about people that are out in the open for a change, just like my gay friends make bad breeder jokes about me. I don’t even mind when they hit on Mr. McSlore. The important thing is that they are out in the open, not slowly dying inside from lies and self loathing. Or pretending that they are just really picky and that’s why they have never told a girl they love them.
And dude, lay off the steroids. Your neck is going to swallow your head.
I’ve got a question here. Is it me or did one of the boys call Crackie a bitch when Kara asked Jeana about her? And who is Colton screwing in Kara’s bed while she’s at UCLA? It hope it’s not the Bowlmor Alkie but you know what they say about young girls with low self esteem.
Chances are she’s not a virgin, though Slurry probably thinks she is. Just like she thinks that the money fairy is going to swoop down and pay for her daughter’s nose job.
Speaking of Slurry, how awkward was her conversation with Alexis at the LaPerla party? All she did was make back handed compliments about her weight and figure, asking her if she had her kids by a surrogate and only ate mustard. Then she bragged about being the same size as Alexa. Gee, I wonder where her girls get their body issues?
She should have shut up and been glad that there was a new girl to be picked on instead of being a jealous cow like Tamra. She probably ran home and booked that facelift for the next day, bills be damned.
Crackie arrives, looking like she just beat out all the other sows for first prize at the Orange County Fair. Thank God she doesn’t try on any lingerie. Simon will lose what’s left of his sight.
Instead, she acts all fake and friendly to the new housewife. She says that she’s turned over a new leaf and is going to be nicer to people this season but you know that she just wants to sell them insurance. Cocaine habits don’t pay for themselves, not when you have frisbee sized nostrils like she has.
So that’s it for the hoes this week as we watch Jeana put away the food and ice cream in her kitchen, dreaming of a day when she isn’t bailing husbands out of jail or restraining herself from busting her ceramic rooster over Crackie’s head. She spews the usual crap about not having any regrets and moving on from the meanness and petty ways of the rest of the housewives and I hope that she’s succeeded.
And where’s she moving on to, a romance novel cover?
You know what this means, right? The only sane people left on Bravo are James Lipton and Tom Colicchio! And I’m not real sure about either one of them. Ugh!
See you next week when we have the return of Nugget’s daddy! Woo Hoo!
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Love and Kisses,