Real Housewives of Orange County: Abandon All Hope, She Who Enters Here

Real Housewives of Orange County

By Twunty McSlore | Monday, November 23, 2009 | 12:30 pm | 26 Comments

Tagged: bravo, forgive me i burn their houses down, ho, housewives, poor people, sarcasm, twats n tits

This week on Twats with Fake Tits, we learn more about the new Ho and say goodbye to an old one. Crackie is her usual sweet natured self and the other two let their jealousy and body image issues hang out for all the world to see. Oh, almost forgot about Gretchen. She goes to Scottsdale where the producers have put her and Slade in this aptly named hotel:

It’s actually a pretty nice boutique hotel, almost too swanky for such a janky ass couple. At first sight, it looked like the T, E and L had fallen off but I was wrong.

Valley Ho had a completely different meaning in the 50s when this place sprang up. Scottsdale wasn’t crawling with Dirty Army slutbags and 30 grand millionaires back then, just wannabe cowboys and demure waitresses with dreams of living under a big sky and no clue that reality show housewives would ever exist. Sigh.

When they check in, Gretchen doesn’t know which name the reservation is under, thereby proving that they are freaking broke and Bravo is paying for this trip to the desert. So what do they do? Head off to the pool to tan and drink cocktails on the Bravo dime. I feel bad for the mini-fridge back in their room. It is going to be decimated by Slade when they get back. When he’s done kissing Gretchen’s ass, of course.

By the way, have I mentioned how sick I am of hearing that Gretchen loves the money impaired Slade? How grateful she is that they are together and he is helping her move on with her life? She must really have nothing going for her to be allowed to go on and on like this, and that is just sad. Almost as sad as their conversation.

They talk about getting married and having kids. She wants four, he has a vasectomy and thinks that he can just miraculously have it reversed. Isn’t that precious? He’ll take care of these kiddies, I’m sure. Good God, they’d be better off living with Fagin, earning their keep by stealing ladies’ pocketbooks down by the oceanfront. At least they’d be learning a skilled trade which is more than I can say for Slade. Dude needs to get a J O B. ASAP.

THEN you can lie around pools and kiss hookers from Orange County.

Back in Brokeville, Tamra is driving around in her Mercedes SUV, talking on her obnoxious crystal encrusted phone.

Nothing says klassy like a bedazzled blackberry.

I will give her credit for one thing- she isn’t sporting on of those awful butter knife french manicures. She must be old school and use one of those little spoons to snort up whatever leftover drugs Crackie is giving her. Ha! As if Crackie would share anything with anybody.

She’s heading over Jeana’s house to talk since she hadn’t gotten an RSVP for some stupid La Perla lingerie party she’s throwing. I have to ask, does she have to parade around in her skivvies every single season? Is that in her contract? Because I can do without the ‘aren’t I hot for an old lady’ strut. I’d rather watch Simon in a pair of heels and a negligee.

That’s not a bad idea, actually. I’m not really into cross dressers or anything but I’d give it a whirl if I they’d stop subjecting us to Tamra’s pre-menopausal accordian cleavage.

Jeana tells her that the last thing she wants to do is look at panties and a bunch of bitches without a stitch of clothing on. She’d rather hang out with her drunk ex husband and her gay son. Matt is still living with her, we find out, at least for a couple more weeks until his ass gets sent to jail for driving drunk again. She says it’s his second but I could have sworn that it was more than that.

She needs to stop helping him. Let him live on the streets for a while instead of drinking up all the rubbing alcohol in the house. It’s got to be getting old to wake up to find that Matt drank all the Scope for the sixteenth time.

Maybe she should hit him in the head again. I’m serious. The head injury he got back in the early nineties is why he drinks, right? Give him another whack, maybe it will all even out or knock some sense into him. I don’t see how it could get any worse. Or maybe everybody is waiting for him to kill somebody after he stool surfs through Coto and decides to drive home.

I know a little cul de sac he could go past on his way home.

Mama Jeana tells her that she’s over the drama and needs to concentrate on selling some houses before she loses her own, not flitting about with a camera crew and women that treat her like shit. So of course, Tamra treats her like shit, saying that she creates all the drama and then acts like somebody else did it. I won’t repeat the crass fart metaphor that she used, I’m too klassy for that so I’ll only make one comment and then move on.

If Jeana is so responsible for ALL the damn drama, it should all go away next week when she’s gone. Then the show can be about one big happy social circle. Nobody’s on crack and all the jealousy vanishes into thin air while you downsize and volunteer to scrub AIDS patients at the hospital in Newport Beach, clothing battered women with the tacky blouses you no longer need and giving all your kid’s toys to their children.

Me and Jeana will sit back and wait.

So Tamra Blarney calls Jeana a bitch behind her back in interviews and I’m noticing a theme here. Jeana tells these women how she feels to their faces while they talk smack behind her back. No wonder she wants to leave. It would be stupid to carry on such a charade for a Bravo paycheck that isn’t going to cover your monthly waxing bill. And who’s going to pay for Shane’s sex change after his single-A career is over?

Let’s get to know the new gal in town, Alexis Bellino, not to be confused with the baddest bitch in TV history, Miss Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan McGillicuddy Kitchensink Krystal Bitchslapper. Allow me to rhapsodize a bit, if you will.

I used to watch Joan Collins religiously on Dynasty, listening to the acid that would roll off her jewelled tongue as she reclined on chaise longes in maribou feathered get ups. Oh, how I longed to be like her, wrapping myself in mink stoles that reeked of White Diamonds and Virginia Slims. THIS Alexis chick doesn’t deserve to clean her ivory cigarette holder.

Though they do both share a love of Nolan Miller designed outfits

.
My God, woman! Where do you shop for your Quiana blouses?

Your mom’s 1972 Sears catalogue?

And that monogrammed pendant is giving me flashbacks to those preppy sweaters we all wore in 10th grade. She needs a stylist, pronto.

Or at the very least to stop watching Logan’s Run so much.

She also needs two nannies for three children. Buying up old Vera Maxwell creations on eBay takes up a lot of time, apparently.

They’ve got 20 month old twins and a three year old named James. Perfect little angels, every one of them. They better not get too comfortable in those high-end highchairs, though, not after hearing how they rank on the Bellino food chain.

I’ll break it down. In Alexis’s world, God is first, her marriage is second and her kids are third. No word yet on where silk pantsuits or Charlie perfume rank, but we’ll keep our ears open and let you know when we find out.

So she’s a stay at home mom with her finger on the pulse of the latest trends in synthetic fabrics and disco dances. I hear that she can do a mean hustle and her freestyle back catch? To die for.

This is some Stepford shit, Gasmii. But no worries, it’s the O.C. She still lives up to our expectations and wears boobie tops at breakfast, so little Jim Junior can get an eyeful with his Honey Bunches of Oats.

As if that weren’t enough, she starts putting gel in his hair at the kitchen table. Where does she keep it, next to the formula and fruit roll-ups? By the way, I have seen Junior’s future and it ain’t pretty.

Jersey Shore, 2026.

She’s meeting her lovely controlling husband Jim for lunch where she orders the most complicated Margarita in the history of picky drinking. She wants two fresh lime wedges, only silver tequila (order Simon’s. he could use the business) and salt only on 3/16ths of the rim.

I hope the bartender spits in it.

Jim is into God too, just so you know. He proves it by telling his wife to lower her voice in public and generally acting like a manipulative dick who married a chick way out of his league in the looks department so he controls her by chipping away at her self esteem. Yeah, I got your number too, jerkoff. I was married to your twin in the late nineties.

Now I know why she needs two nannies. She actually has FOUR kids.

Enough of their crap. Time for Mama Jeana to say goodbye to Crackie. Finally.
Did you notice that Crackie was only face to face with Jeana one time and that was when she hugged her in the foyer at her arrival?

That’s one way to stick a knife in someone’s back.

Here’s another- say in interviews that you’ll always be neighbors, but not always friends. Not to Jeana’s face, mind you, but behind her back. Then busy yourself in the kitchen making lasagna so you don’t have to look her in the eye.

Except for one very condescending look.

Hateful, just hateful. She says that Jeana became toxic in her life but doesn’t really say why except for some business transactions that went bad. I will take that to mean that she’s still pissed about Frankie but won’t say so since that would make her look like a bitch, not the perfect little bible thumper she wants the world to think she is.

Jeana tells her that she had to ask Tamra why Crackie doesn’t call her anymore and once again, she doesn’t answer. Instead she tries to make Jeana look like the bad guy for not calling her to ask her directly. Really? She didn’t call you because you never tell anyone anything to their face, you say it behind their backs then go and have the nerve to call them two faced.

And if that weren’t bad enough, Crackie makes a last ditch effort to get some dirt on Jeana by asking her if she likes all the housewives. Jeana doesn’t fall for it, thank goodness. I don’t think that she would have gone over there in the first place, if it weren’t for the show. She just doesn’t care anymore. I wish she would.

Just long enough to stick that pie plate up her ass.

I’m glad that she tells Crackie that she’s through being around mean girls. There’s no mistaking who she is referring to and she says it to her face. She kind of wrecks it by asking Crackie to tell her if anyone says anything bad about her but who cares? She’ll never hear from her again. Crackie will be too busy working and making money, more money, and tearing down the new girl in her spare time.

Over in Scottsdale, Gretchen and Slade are getting ready to attend a birthday shindig for one of Wretched’s friends, Kelley. She met her at a charity function for leukemia/lymphoma which I believe was what killed Jeff.

The only thing that is interesting about this are the pasties on the chicks’ titties and whoa, there! What is that I see?

Real boobs?!?

Shocking! I guess we aren’t in Orange County anymore. What a relief to see women with normal bodies that still manage somehow to be hot.

Gretchen gets trashed and makes passes at one of the burlesque dancers. She drunkenly sashays around a pole and she and Slade grope each other on the dance floor. Not a pretty sight, trust me. I wish that they would save the PDA for when the cameras aren’t around. I’m getting tired of looking at it.

But who am I to judge? She deserves to let loose and have fun after the tragedy of Jeff’s death. How else is she going to know how to spend all her deceased fiancee’s money when it arrives? She’s earned her moment to have some fun, dammit!

And hit on Dita von Teese wannabes.

The next morning she’s hungover and they trash Tamra and Crackie for the bazillionth time. Slade needs to back off with the brown nosing. Gretchen’s so buttered up I’m tempted to roast her for Thanksgiving.

Meanwhile, Tamra is busy setting up her equity-less cul de sac mansion for a swim party with Alexis and her family. And, look! She invited Crackie!

She’s even feeding her! Now, that’s friendship.

I jest. That was mean. I apologize, little doggy.

The Blarneys are still bickering and I think I know why. Number one- Tamra says that she doesn’t eat in the summer so she’s a hungry bitch, and number two- remember the reunion special? Didn’t she remark that she stopped drinking because she was a mean, sloppy, embarrassing drunk? Well, she ain’t any better sober.

And what is with her outfit? Did this week’s episode turn into That 70s Show because she is seriously trying to channel Cheryl Ladd in that romper and cork heels.

The Bellinos arrive with one of the nannies and the jealousy begins. Tamra wants her money, her body, her nannies and her 18 carat diamond ring and she’s not afraid to say it. This way, when she turns on her, and she will, she can pretend that it’s old news and not the reason why she’s trashing her. It’ll be a lie of course, she’ll make something else up, but it will be the reason. Trust me. This girl doesn’t have an unselfish bone in her body.

“I just love your ring, a hooker from Orange County says what?”

“What?”

“I knew it, whore!”

Tamra tells Jim that they are selling their house with it’s fabulous gate and miniscule pool, and maybe they’ll rent a house in their neighborhood. That’s rich. I didn’t know they were zoned for trailers.

Then the wine comes out and Simon calls her Tamra Sue. Ha ha, bitch. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl and drop it on her head. That only happens in movies with flying monkeys and talking scarecrows.

There’s nothing like that here.

Let’s play catch up and lie with Slurry. It seems that the worldwide cuff market is suffering with the rest of us because it’s moving day in Stonertown. She says that the lease is up and they’re downsizing because Frank’s business took a big hit in the recession. He made some questionable investments so now they have to move to a shack in Laguna. Boo hoo.

What a mess. Poor Alexa is going to have a nervous breakdown before she gets her first STD, Raquel is out terrorizing another Bowlmor and Frank looks like he wants to kill himself for making such a mess of things.
Hey, that gives me a great idea!

Let’s televise it!

These people should be at a debt counsellor figuring out how to salvage their lives, not prancing around my television. I’m glad that she went on Dr. Phil (I can’t bring myself to watch him. I have a weak stomach) but if this is the only paycheck you are earning, you need to reprioritize. You know, hold off on the facelifts until you can afford a roof over your heads? Silly stuff like that.

They may be poor but they sure are busy. Doing what, I don’t know. All I do know is that they leave Alexa alone all day long. I have some advice, kiddo. Get a job, make some money. Bus tables at Red Lobster. Be a lifeguard for the summer, but make your own money so you can end the cycle of bad finances that runs in your family. Don’t wait for IMG to turn you into a supermodel. Hate to be the one to break it to you, but that probably isn’t going to happen.

Since there’s nothing quite as fun as watching skinny hoes ride stationary bicycles, we head off with Gretchen and Alexis to a spinning class. Cat nap time. I’m jerked awake in time to hear Alexis go through her workout week- spinning on two days, cliff diving on Tuesdays, underwater pilates during tea time and extreme gravity weight training in black holes before breakfast. Fun! But when does she have time for bungy jumping off the Sears Tower? Everyone knows that it’s essential for a complete workout regimen! Sheesh!

And since mama Jeana is leaving, she gets to film a lunch with Kara as our weekly one minute vignette. I like what she says about spoiling her kids with her time and attention instead of only money, like she used to. They talk about love and Kara tells her that she wants her to get remarried so that she can be a bridesmaid.

I truly believe that she is dying to see her mother happy for once and if that means welcoming a stepfather, so be it. And she’s right about Shane. He’ll never get married. Not until they overturn Prop 8, anyway.

It’s time to enjoy the latest craze to hit southern California, the high klass Panty Party! Feast your eyes on row after row of expensive Vioctoria’s Secret rip-offs that Frederick’s sells at a fraction of the cost. Part your lips in awe of the scrumptuous camisoles and plimsolls! Gaze lovingly at a $1700 bra made of 24 carat gold!

Watch Slade Slimey steal it and sell it to Alexis on eBay!

She can wear it under her cowlneck sweater dress. And no, I’m not lying. She is wearing a cowlnecked sweater dress! In maroon! I had one in 1981! I knew that the 80s were back but this is ridiculous! Exclamation point!

Tim Gunn just died a little.

I’m exhausted. Sometimes I watch this show and it feels like everything is happening in a parallel universe. And then a half naked boy shows up.

And we’re right back in my wheelhouse.

Alexis is there with her chauvenist husband who won’t let her try anything on. He says that there are other men present and that is just not a part of their world. I hate to admit it but Tamra is right when she remarks that he didn’t seem to mind her being half naked at the pool party. Yeah, he’s a hypocrite and a posturing fool and this holier than thou schtick is getting old fast. I wonder what their deal is.

I mean, nobody goes on a reality show because they are normal well adjusted individuals. There’s got to be something wrong with them. Maybe he goes all Grifters on her ass every once in a while and beats her with a towel full of oranges. Maybe they’re Moonies or Scientologists.
I don’t know but something isn’t right in the milk with those two.

Tamra has no problem parading her sunspotted ass all over the dressing room and Simon finally gets a boner for her. Must be the Champagne. Or the Champagne boy? Hmmmm? Hmmm?
It can’t be Tamra. She’s about as sexy as genital wart. Maybe he’s slowly going blind from tequila he has to drink to put up with her.
Dude, let it go! She’ll be dead from malignant melanoma any day now, anyway.

Her dressing room is right next to Gretchen’s and they seem to be speaking to each other without screaming for a change. Tamra’s not so brazenly bitchy with Slade around and no Crackie there to back her up, now is she? That’s okay.

She’s still younger and hotter, you dumb cow.

Not to mention the fact that I bet Simon has no idea what a bitter bitch his wifey has turned into. Putting on the kind of display she did at the St. Regis right in front of him can’t be explained away by bad editing, now can it Tamra?

Plus, she’s about to get laid for the first time in months and she doesn’t want to spoil it.

Back at Coto, Jeana is at home with the kids and her adorable new puppy. They pal around the table eating burgers and joking about this and that. It’s nice to see everyone getting along. Funny how that works out. You spend your childhood wanting to kill your siblings only to be best friends once you don’t live under the same roof anymore.

Shane admits that he has only said I love you to one woman, Mama Jeana.
Side note- I honestly wish that everyone would come out of the closet already. I have a cousin who almost died because of her sexuality and a friend who only feels comfortable being gay when she’s drunk, and it bugs me no end. I know, you’re thinking “Twunty, what will you do if you can’t make bad gay jokes? You’ll die!!”

The truth is that I’ll still make them, only about people that are out in the open for a change, just like my gay friends make bad breeder jokes about me. I don’t even mind when they hit on Mr. McSlore. The important thing is that they are out in the open, not slowly dying inside from lies and self loathing. Or pretending that they are just really picky and that’s why they have never told a girl they love them.

And dude, lay off the steroids. Your neck is going to swallow your head.

I’ve got a question here. Is it me or did one of the boys call Crackie a bitch when Kara asked Jeana about her? And who is Colton screwing in Kara’s bed while she’s at UCLA? It hope it’s not the Bowlmor Alkie but you know what they say about young girls with low self esteem.

Chances are she’s not a virgin, though Slurry probably thinks she is. Just like she thinks that the money fairy is going to swoop down and pay for her daughter’s nose job.

Speaking of Slurry, how awkward was her conversation with Alexis at the LaPerla party? All she did was make back handed compliments about her weight and figure, asking her if she had her kids by a surrogate and only ate mustard. Then she bragged about being the same size as Alexa. Gee, I wonder where her girls get their body issues?

She should have shut up and been glad that there was a new girl to be picked on instead of being a jealous cow like Tamra. She probably ran home and booked that facelift for the next day, bills be damned.

Crackie arrives, looking like she just beat out all the other sows for first prize at the Orange County Fair. Thank God she doesn’t try on any lingerie. Simon will lose what’s left of his sight.
Instead, she acts all fake and friendly to the new housewife. She says that she’s turned over a new leaf and is going to be nicer to people this season but you know that she just wants to sell them insurance. Cocaine habits don’t pay for themselves, not when you have frisbee sized nostrils like she has.

So that’s it for the hoes this week as we watch Jeana put away the food and ice cream in her kitchen, dreaming of a day when she isn’t bailing husbands out of jail or restraining herself from busting her ceramic rooster over Crackie’s head. She spews the usual crap about not having any regrets and moving on from the meanness and petty ways of the rest of the housewives and I hope that she’s succeeded.

And where’s she moving on to, a romance novel cover?

You know what this means, right? The only sane people left on Bravo are James Lipton and Tom Colicchio! And I’m not real sure about either one of them. Ugh!
See you next week when we have the return of Nugget’s daddy! Woo Hoo!
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore

Comments (26)
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About Twunty McSlore

Crazy busy, crazy in love and crazy about golf. Not so crazy about narcissists and do-nothings. Completely indifferent to network TV unless a sporting event is being covered, and completely in love with half the chefs on the Travel and Food channels. Chefs, not COOKS. If any of them really ARE chefs. I haven't seen any proof.

Bridge Mix and Butterflies, everybody!

26 Comments

1

niqui1

Posted November 24, 2009 at 3:06 pm

AWESOME RECAP!! Good Job!! :O)
2

sekushinonyanko

Posted November 24, 2009 at 3:32 pm

It is possible to reverse a vasectomy, I understand.
3

AnneM

Posted November 24, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Man, I look at old Sear’s catalogs from time to time, I didn’t realize you could still buy stuff from them! and the prices are amazing!

No wonder Alexis’ husband doesn’t want her to spend big bucks on La Perla, when she can get a Sears long line wire onepiece bra for the amazing price of $7.98

Love the recap. I’m going to miss Jeana, but not her kids.
4

shantigal

Posted November 24, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Twunty, you are a genius..”Tamra’s pre-menopausal accordian cleavage”.
I think you are being a bit to0 generous though as they all, save Gretchen, seem to be in the throes of menopaus.

Has anyone else noticed Slurry’s Schwarzenegger sized guns? They’re just so freakishly disproportionate to her tiny frame.

Why oh why won’t Vickie get plastic surgery? She likes spending money so much, a chin implant would do her a world of good.

Love, love, love your recaps Twunty. Oh, and I hear ya on the girlfriends in denial saga. There’s one in our circle who insists on leading a miserable life rather than being honest with herself, family and friends. So sad.
5

NotWithoutMyTV

Posted November 24, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Really? No cracks about the new ho’s super inflated duck lips?

I was at the mall today and had a nice chat with Santa. I said I’d been good and what I wanted for Christmas was for Andy Cohen to choke on a Mohito after filming a segment of See What Happens Live.

Santa told me that “good” boys never ask Santa to cause people to die, and that I’d just forfeited my present for this year.

Sigh.
6

wasabipeas

Posted November 24, 2009 at 7:44 pm

“Tim Gunn just died a little” – ha! ha! ha!
7

fatgirlsrule

Posted November 24, 2009 at 8:40 pm

So, the new housewife needs two nannys? That is crazy. And why do women think they look good with those fat ugly duck lips??
I complain about having to spend $17.99 on a playtex bra from WalMart. I didnt know that the Ho’s spend thousands on there bras. I wont complain anymore.
8

marijai

Posted November 24, 2009 at 11:41 pm

Great recap!!!

Jeana is supposed to be getting her own show that is to start filming in January. I don’t know what the premise is (I would think following her around as she works and begins life as a single woman) or if it will air on Bravo.

Can only imagine what the other housewives will say/think about that. I’d love to be a fly on the wall while they watch her first episode!
9

reckless_Saturn_11

Posted November 25, 2009 at 2:31 am

There is something not quite right with the new housewife and her domestic violence husband At the pool party you see him struggling with a whiny child and as he is shoving the kid into the nannies arms. He say, “Here take him”. Said in the most dismissive and rude manner. As if he shouldn’t have to take care of his own child and that the help is too stupid to realize when they need to take the kids away. I can’t imagine having to work for them.

I think the new housewife is as terrible as all the other ladies left on the show. She is certainly very spoiled and dellusional. Trying to say her life is so busy what with all the working out she does that she has to have two nannies to do it all. And her husband is such a controlling ass. twunty I totally think you have him pegged. He won’t let his wife go anywhere without him which just seems like he doesn’t want her the opportunity to experience what life could be like without him around. Also she says that she works out so much because her husband doesn’t want her body to fall apart. Oh yeah all of her self esteem is tied to her husband. Is it too soon to have Free Alexis shirts made up.
10

reckless_Saturn_11

Posted November 25, 2009 at 2:37 am

Oh yeah and some PR company must have given the same dictionary to both Tamra and Vickie because now instead of saying. That they don’t like someone because they are a mean girl. Now their excuse….I mean their reason….is that that person is toxic to their lives. The viewers no longer harbor any delusions of who these women are, so I just keep hoping they start saying I hate the skinny bitch and that is why I don’t like her.
11

Lissadoll4eva

Posted November 25, 2009 at 7:38 am

Best recap I’ve read today.
Great job, Twunty!!
12

What?

Posted November 25, 2009 at 11:10 am

Why does Lynn look so different on TV versus her photos? It looks like she is an entirely different person.
13

areyoucliff

Posted November 27, 2009 at 2:30 pm

I wish that Twunty would comment back to us like Yenta use to. Only because it sort got a dialogue going about the show. And it is a lot fun when the recapper comments back- we get to learn more about what the recapper thinks,beyond the recap, about the people on the show. Just a thought. Believe you me. I think that Twunty is doing a bang up job writing about these banged up ladies. I understand that not writer has the time to comment back. I was just thinking out loud.
14

fatgirlsrule

Posted November 27, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Gretchen wants 4 kids?? PuLeeze! One labor pain and One stretch mark and she be done!
Slade is so freakin ugly, and his slicked back hair, Gross!! he sounds and acts so gay. In the tanning booth, was that his slong hanging down??
15

what?

Posted November 27, 2009 at 6:05 pm

I agree, Slade is just simply gross. Gretchen can do so much better!
16

marijai

Posted November 27, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Why would Gretchen want 4 kids with a man who doesn’t take care of the ones he has, especially the one that is sick with cancer??

In fact….why would anyone want to be with a man who doesn’t take care of his kids, especially when they are incurably sick??

What scum he is!
17

uglycutie

Posted November 27, 2009 at 7:50 pm

@areyoucliff:

After the whole Leia Labiblia drama, if I was Twunty I would leave the boards to the readers…for now. I think Twunty says it all in the recap and says it better and funnier than anyone I’ve read in a while.

But, damn, that whole LL/RHOA debacle was massive and she had a friggin meltdown of epic proportions. I’ve yet to see a single comment on her Melrose Place recaps. Just goes to show that to be a great recapper you must not only have an awesome writing style and sharp wit but seriously thick skin.

That said, Tamra is a ticking time tomb and I cannot wait unil she is totally exposed as an envious, bitter, mean sack of wrinkles. And what’s the new chick’s name, Alexis(?)…two nannies??? Come on!! I work 12 hour days, take 2 college courses, keep a home, take care of 2 dogs, take care of a preschooler who has ballet classes and a husband who works longer hours than me…guess how many nannies I have? None! I have to excercize by walking my dogs and picking up toys and vacuuming and mopping and running around on my lunch hour on an empty stomach to pay bills. God, these bitches piss me off.

Sorry, folks. It’s just that I don’t see how some people have to invent problems when real people out here just have it fall on our laps on a daily basis and then have to turn on the TV to watch THEM to escape OUR reality only to come away even more stressed. But at least my husband respects and loves me and my child won’t be hated by the entire world. Ok. I feel better now.

Whew.
18

NotWithoutMyTV

Posted November 28, 2009 at 9:26 am

The Leia Labiblia thing wasn’t that big, and didn’t even have to be as big as it was. The Internet breeds people who think they can do everything better, and then try to tell you they were “just sayin’” when you speak to them directly. The recapper should have just ignored the commenter.

Really, there’s enough ugliness on this show already without commenters adding it. (Vickie’s face being a prime example.)
19

sluttty_whore

Posted November 28, 2009 at 6:49 pm

@uglycutie… I think that no one posts comments to the Melrose Place board because no one watches that show! LOL!
20

renata

Posted November 28, 2009 at 6:54 pm

to uglycutie:
how ‘klassy’ of you to come to this page and trash a recapper that you’ve had a personal problem with, but who does not write this recap and so has no idea you’re still hang up on her and keep perpetuating this bull about her ‘meltdown’. She did not do anything wrong in her recaps and her comments. She had as much right to voice her opinions as a person who was attacking her. Clearly she chose to take the high road and ignore all subsequent insults and provocations, so what do you do? You get on a different recap page and start spreading your vile bull again.
Are you per chance related to Trampy? You can’t seem to let things go, just like that bitch.
Twunty – you are awesome, but LLB was great too. Between the two of you I’m getting my weekly dose of delicious snarkiness up to the overflow level. Sometimes I thinks that the recaps on this website are one of the things that let me stay sane, by showcasing and ridiculing the malevolent idiocy of any of the housewives. You are my sunshine.
21

renata

Posted November 28, 2009 at 7:48 pm

You guys!!! Have you seen pictures of Slurry after her face lift? I’ve just found it on ‘RealityTvScoop’, and I’m SHOCKED! She looks so much better it is incredible. The only problem I have is that she DOES NOT LOOK LIKE HERSELF! She looks like a different person altogether. Holy crap!!! She went from looking 55 to looking 30 in one surgery!!! Wow.
I can just imagine the hit that her daughters’ selfestimes took after she came back home looking like that. I bet that spoiled, vile, walking vulgarity Raquel has a whole list of things she wants to change on her face now. Poor Slurry will need to downgrade not to Laguna but to a double-wide to accomodate her.
22

Baffled

Posted November 29, 2009 at 7:38 pm

I admit that Slade isn’t a personal favorite, but his nickname for Vickie was hilarious. He called her “Ficky”. It stands for “Fake” and “Icky”. Nice one!
23

mick

Posted November 30, 2009 at 10:27 am

to shantigal: Until today’s screen shots, I was right there with you re: Crackie’s lack of chin. Now I think that she does have a chin, but no defining jaw line. Think the opposite of Maria Shriver’s jawline – Crackie’s goes straight down from her ears. Result: fugly.

to uglycutie: what renata said.

to Twunty: Excellent recap! Keep em coming!
24

Baxter

Posted November 30, 2009 at 1:39 pm

renata-
Thank you for the tip on the picture of Lynn. She looks completely different!
25

mrngstar

Posted November 30, 2009 at 10:12 pm

so…hm, i wonder what has happened to michael’s future ex-wife lauren? lol! jeana was dead on about that! lol!
26

judgment day

Posted December 22, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Wonderful recap. Slurry’s new face looks like a damn mummy! Tamra is close to ruin, the new hooters girl is SO vapid, her bible thumping is only exceeded by her subservience to that twat of a controlling husband, and finally, Crackie never fails to disgust. Her craziness at not being the puppetmaster of the FL vacation gave her real feelings of sorrow. GOOD! She deserves them. And where is her little loser of a son? In jail (I hope)?

Real Housewives of Orange County: Abandon All Hope, She Who Enters Here

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Real Housewives of Orange County: Abandon All Hope, She Who Enters Here

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