Simon and Tamra are getting divorced. The greatest love of our time, the marriage of the new milennium, has come to an end. I look heavenward, the slow sad notes of ‘Taps’ playing in my head and exhale a large sigh. “Oh, Dear Lord in the cloudy skies above,” I ask, “If Tamra and Simon can’t make it, who can?”
Hearing nothing, I hang my head in dismay. Perhaps one day all will be revealed to me. Meanwhile, me and Gretchen are GONNA PARTAY!!! Hahahahaha!! Bitch finally got her just desserts! I read the divorce documents just the other day and surprise, surprise, Simon sights infidelity, disloyalty and verbal abuse.
You heard right- infidelity. She is being accused of cheating, the exact same thing she accused Gretchen of doing to her cancer stricken sugar daddy. Could this be more perfect? I swear that I have been smiling all day and there is a little extra spring in my step. I’m going to hell, I know, but allow me to enjoy this moment just a little longer and I’ll get right to the recap.
Okay, I’m ready now.This week, as the aforementioned marriage is crumbling, another is being renewed. It’s amazing how there has been such a paradigm shift on this show. When Tamra first came along, her marriage seemed fine. With the exception of Nugget’s daddy and the Gretchen hooplah, there was very little drama. In contrast, Donn and Crackie were never together, she was groping other men and he wouldn’t touch her with Laurie’s pre-op dick.
Well, things have changed, and Crackie takes Donn for a walk on the beach to tell him how much she appreciates him. In Florida she realised how lucky she was to have a husband who doesn’t strangle her with his clingy insecurity, unlike evry other girl except Slurry. And who knows why ]Frank wasn’t there. It’s not like he’s WORKING, according to Crackie anyway.
She has a letter in her hat that she wants to read to Donn. That’s right, It’s in her hat. I guess that they don’t make sundresses with pockets anymore. Couldn’t she have put it in one of those old ten pound carpet bag purses she carries around?
Speaking of old bags…
She hasn’t even started to read it yet and Donn starts to tear up. He says, “You know me, I’m mush.” Awwwwww, he’s so sweet. One of the truly likeable people on this show.
So, remind me why he’s with her?
Must’ve been one hell of a weekend at Havasu.
In her note, she talks about snagging him 15 years ago, a confirmed bachelor at age 42. That would make him 57. Dayum! He looks good for his age. She goes on to say that they are still together, despite their trials and tribulations and she’s taking him on a trip to celebrate their everlasting love.
Woman, you should kiss the freaking ground he walks on, seriously, not just take him on a trip. You take those all the time. That man is a catch, especially for someone as annoying as her. She asks if he’s up for turning the corner and starting a new chapter in their marriage. He’s cool with it but she won’t tell him where they are going.
Good. Fine. Yay. Boring. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice and all, but when she starts waxing romantic with whisking him off to a land far, far away (she actually said that), it seems a little forced. A little showy for the cameras. So, let’s move on to someone who is A LOT showy for the cameras- Alexis.
Or Barbra Junior, as I like to call her.
Look at that profile. What the heck is wrong with her face?! Lay off the injections before you start looking like Jackie Stallone! You already look like Streisand and in your case, that is not a good thing.
She’s out on the patio in the backyard playing with the kids as nanny #1 stands by. I wonder if she uses both nannies at the same time or keeps them on rotation, and it’s funny- the Bellinos have very little screen time in this episode but they are seen handing off their kids to somebody almost every time. Oh, that’s right, the little dears come in third behind God and marriage. Of course they can’t stand to hold them for more than ten seconds.
It’s early Sunday morning and they are playing with bubbles in the back yard. Bubbles, not to be confused with bubbies, though you could certainly make that mistake around these women.
Alexis decides it’s time to go get dressed for church when she gets some bubble soap in her eye.
Cut down on the botox and you might be able to blink sooner.
Ah, yes, our God fearing couple. More bullshit. While most of us were trying not to mess up our dresses at breakfast before Sunday School or throw up from carsickness on the way there, Alexis was begging her mommy to take her to church.
Sorry, not buying it.
I suppose it could be true but when she says that Jim has a background in theology, which somehow translates into her being a better wife, I have to put my foot down. And, get a load of this crap- Jim puts his hands on his wife and kids every morning to bless and protect them while he’s gone at the pawnshop buying wedding rings so people can pay the rent on their two bedroom apartments.
Who the hell does he think he is, the freaking pope? And where did he study theology- the same place that ordained Tori Spelling? If he tried to lay a hand on my head he’d be missing some fingers by now. I’ll eat them from a crystal goblet dipped in some of that cocktail sauce Alexis made at the club. I know, gross.
You know what else is gross? The amount of clothing little Melania has in the closet of her Cinderella bedroom. I bet that they spent more money on the little gold diggers’ clothes than me and Mr. McSlore spent on golf the past year, and that’s a lot.
She probably has more shoes than me too.
I’m not joking, but then again I am one of those weird people who throws shoes out when I get sick of them. I don’t store them in a closet somewhere, hoping that one day I might like them again or wait for them to come back in style.
And the bedding! My God! You could buy a couple of diamond rolexes with the dough spent on their layette.
Speaking of diamond rolexes, I wonder if Tamra pawned hers yet. If she did, I hope that Jim gave her a good price.
We switch over to the Blarneys, as they are chilling with the kiddies on their back patio. Tamra Sue asks Sydney if she missed them or if she was too busy having fun with the babysitter. What would YOU answer? Exactly.
Plus, I know this is wrong but is Sydney adopted? She doesn’t look like either of them, and she’s really dark. Do they have many milkmen in Orange County?
She then asks precious little Sophia if she wants to go to the beach for the day. When Sophia asks who will watch her you have to wonder how much time Tamra is actually spending with the kids and if Simon might have a point when he said he didn’t want her working. I also would like to apologize to the little princess for managing to capture her in a particularly bad moment when I did my screen grab.
Who’s her real daddy, Andy Richter?
Tamra sees a beetle flying around and says “Holy Mother of Balls,” while hiding behind a pillow. Now we know what church she goes to, as if there was any doubt.
Simon gives her shit for talking like that in front of the kids and it’s time for the argument de jour. They talk about Florida and Crackie, how she meddles and how Simon thinks that their marriage is just fine and above scrutiny. He says that they wouldn’t be this happy for this long if things weren’t all hunky dorey.
She barely nods, defends Crackie in interviews and then tells him that she’s thinking about calling a truce with Gretchen. He’s all “WHAT?!!” and makes up a new word- unrehensible, I beleive that is how he described Gretchen’s behaviour. It’s REPrehensible, you SoCal moron, and why are you slurring again? Is he drinking his own tequila every day to improve sales numbers?
Cue the sound of Arctic winds as he tells her that if she wants to be buddies with Gretchen, she’s not the person he thought she was. He says all this while rubbing what looks like a slug in his hand. Don’t forget, this is the guy who took Kara shooting, so he knows his way around a gun.
I hope he was nice enough to carve her initials in it.
He says that he doesn’t want HIS kids (are you sure, Simon? I’d get me some DNA if I were you) exposed to those kinds of people, those nasty naked wasted single people that he is slowly becoming one of himself.
He basically calls her a hypocrite even though he denies it. Tamra says that she wants to forgive but not forget, unlike Simon, who just writes people off if they disagree with him. She has a point and who can argue when she says that grudges will tear you up inside and make you sick.
Such a shock that they are getting divorced, no? Good lord, I would hat to be one of their kids right now. I need a palate cleanse.
Unfortunately, the only people getting cleansed are the Bellinos. Jesus is going to save their souls with rock music and a preacher that sounds like he just got off the turnip truck.
The service opens with a stage show, complete with laser lights and gee-tars!
So that’s where all the collection plate money goes.
I wonder if Jim just drops old war medals or granny’s silver in it when it gets passed around. Oh, and they’re late. They drop the kids off at (yet another hand-off!) Sunday School and saunter into the middle row like their shit don’t stink.
What’s the matter, is the back row not good enough for you?
Seriously, if you come late to an event, sit in the back! It’s rude and disruptive to the people around you, not to mention the guy sermonizing who is trying to save your soul!
Plus, I’m pretty sure you could see it from the big screen even if you were stuck in the parking lot.
Reverand Billy Bob is advising his little sheep not to bitch and moan and take things for granted. He says to “stop crying in your Starbucks.” Aw, shucks! Dontcha just love those little homilies?
He probably knew that the cameras were going to be there and decided to preach directly to his wealthiest parishoners, telling them to be grateful for what they have, or maybe he hates them and thinks they should just shut the fuck up and put more than old pocket knives into the collection plate for a change.
It doesn’t matter. All that’s important is that Alexis feels cleansed by the spirit and ready to face another week in service to The Lord. And by that I mean Slim Jim, of course.
The nannies will take care of the rest.
Where WAS the nanny during all this, waiting in the car? Sitting on the curb, smoking ciggies with the other hired help? Maybe that’s why Alexis and Jim didn’t sit in the back of the church. THAT’S reserved for nannies and all the other indentured servants, not people as special as these two.
Barf. I need another palate cleanse already. Instead of that, let’s watch Alexa get embarrassed! Not because of her mom or her drunken sister, but because of Gretchen’s meddling. It seems that Slade’s sugar momma overheard Alexa say that she was depressed a few times and wants to lend an ear. Not before she puts a whole Nordstrom beauty counter on her face, natch.
How long does it take her, do you think? She slathers on base, liner, mascara, blush, the whole nine and even checks out the results in different lighting and at least three different mirrors. She must multi-task.
I bet she’s soaking her feet in Palmolive right at this very moment. We know she’s NOT WORKING, right Crackie?
I love her little robe. I need one of those. I got the lambie one from Bath & Body for Christmas. It’s really comfy but not all that appropriate for fine joorey earning interludes with Mr. McSlore. By the way, while the Bellinos were at church, I was totally blowing my man again. Yay! I already ordered the pearls!
Gretchen calls Slurry and asks her if she would mind if she took Alexa shopping. She mentions that Alexa seems like she could use a friend to talk to, and maybe she’ll open up to her more than she might with her mother.
That’s a good guess, especially since the last time Gretchen overheard Alexa tell her mom she was depressed and wanted to see someone about it, Slurry told her she was being dramatic and probably had her period. Way to parent, Slurry, and be sexist, all at the same time! Unreal.
They meet up at a cute little resale shoppe called Recycled Rags. This is the kind of place where I should be dropping off my old shoes but the last time I set foot in one, it smelled like adult diapers, so I took a pass. I wonder what they smell like in Orange County.
My bet’s on fake tan grease and hair bleach.
They start shopping and Gretchen says that she should buy some clothes so she doesn’t have to raid her mom’s closet anymore but Alexa insists that it’s the other way around. Not exactly a big surprise since Slurry loooves to brag about wearing the same size as her daughters.
They get to talking and Gretchen brings up the depression, she looks all concerned and motherly and……hold on a minute! Who’s that behind her?
I didn’t know that Phillis Diller lived in Newport Beach!
Good to know, good to know.
Alexa is NOT happy, she thought that they were there to shop, not discuss her woes ON CAMERA. What was Gretchen thinking? It was nice of her to try, but not the right time or place. Big no-no.
Poor Alexa. She cries anyway when she starts describing how her sister ignored her on the way to the store. Sensitive, much? I don’t know, I’m no doctor but it probably is just hormones. Wouldn’t hurt to get it checked out, though.
Unless daddy forgot to pay the health insurance premiums too.
The insurance queen is busy packing for her trip with the increasingly endearing Donn. He wants to know where they are going and she finally tells him that they are flying to Turks and Caicos, a small resort island in the Caribbean, but not before she tells him that they are going to “fall in love again” for the umpteenth time.
Don’t you just love it when people do that? Tell you how you are going to feel instead of just letting you feel it? It’s like the people who ask you if you are pregnant over and over again, ruining any chance you have of announcing it yourself when you finally are.
They arrive at their destination and as soon as they come out of the door in front of the airport, a little party is waiting for them, complete with glasses of Champagne handed to them before they even set foot in the hotel limo.
This is my kind of resort!
They get their own personal concierge and he shows them their suite. It is HUGE. It has a dining room, a living room, bedrooms and a bar. It’s bigger than most people’s homes.
So, what does Crackie say at the sight of all this opulence? She says that anyone who says that money doesn’t matter is probably poor. Charming.
And anyone who thinks that you’re attractive is probably blind.
The next morning they head down to a cute little shack of a bar with the guy who looks like their concierge tending it. I guess it’s true what they say about Island folk having a million jobs. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hands them their drink and then climbs the stairs to their room to make their bed.
He makes them some really strong rum punch to put the “oomph in the ah-ah,” as he puts it. Oh, dude. Please don’t make me picture that. I just had my eyes checked.
As if that weren’t enough, he tells them to have some conch. It’s supposed to be the aphrodisiac of the sea and they head down to the beach with the conch man to get some.
He hits the shell a few times, and pulls out the crown which has the conch attatched to it. I can’t really describe it except to say that it looks like part of an octopus, or whatever skin was left over after Slurry’s facelift. So, yeah. It’s gross.
The guy has Donn pull out the “pistol” of the creature, the part with the potent sea viagra, and it looks like a piece of angel hair pasta. He pops it right in his mouth.
You go, Donn! Only five hundred more and Crackie will start to look fuckable!
Crackie acts all grossed out and won’t try it but she sure does encourage Donn to eat more. He’s got a love tank to fill up, remember? Ack. I just made an icky face of my own when i said that.
Since we’re on the subject of sex, let’s move on to someone who isn’t getting any, unless…..
It’s possible. He did mention infidelity in the divorce papers he filed last week. They look alike too.
Marco is driving Tamra around to look at houses. They are in a slightly less upscale neighborhood where Tamra used to live, and where she says she was her happiest. She makes him drive past her old house.
I’d like to see her roll a red carpet down THAT driveway.
Please. Where would she park the Mercedes SUV? The sedan? Her giant ego? There isn’t even enough room to park Marco’s car and grab a quickie!
Did you notice that she said that they are looking at houses that are FOR LEASE? Not for sale, for lease. They are a lot smaller than that McMansion she’s been living in, by quite a bit, and she jokes about where Simon will be sleeping. He didn’t come, in case you were wondering. It seems that they’re fighting. Or, more accurately, she’s sulks while he slurs some crap about their “perfect” and “equal” relationship.
I bet those smaller houses she was turning her nose down at are looking pretty good right now.
Back on the island, Crackie has an evening of surprises in store for Donn. It is absolutely gorgeous and I am so jealous. We have two feet of snow outside, the sledding hills are all crowded and I can’t remember the last time I saw grass. I am dying to get the hell out of Ohio.
Not enough to spend any time with Crackie, though.
She brought their wedding album on the trip and put a picture of them with the kids on the front cover. It serves as a reminder of how far they’ve come in the last fifteen years and how much they’ve changed.
Oh, look! Donn wasn’t gray back then! Go figure.
Can this woman plan a trip or what? If she gets tired of the insurance biz, I bet she could make a killing as a travel agent. She looks pretty in the wedding photo too. I would have been scared to fly with it. What if it got lost? I could guarantee that would put an end to any and all woo-hoos for a while.
Donn starts to cry again as she reminds him of what he told the kids on the day he married her, something about taking care of their mommy and always being there for them. Well, he certainly lived up to that promise and Crackie is one lucky crackhead to have found him.
She asks him if he wants to renew his vows with her and of course, he says yes. It would have been pretty amazing if he said no, though. Even if it was just to mess with her for a second. Can you imagine? She’d make Hurrican Katrina look like Mother Nature on a good day.
Anyhoo, it’s a sweet and romantic gesture, and when she says that he deserves it, she is uttering the understatement of a lifetime. This guy deserves a medal or something for putting up with her ass.
If she really loved him she’d give him a divorce.
The next morning she calls Brianna to check up on her. This is crackie we’re talking about, after all. If she can’t micromanage someone’s life every damn day, she’ll go insane.
“Did you get the mail? You love me, right? I’m the bestest mom ever, right? Right?”
From rich crackhead to poor stoner, we head off to the gym with Slurry and Alexa. Since the facelift, Slurry hasn’t been able to work out and she’s afraid that she’s lost some muscle tone. She brags about being addicted to excercise and I wish she’d keep her mouth shut about it, especially around her daughters.
They’re working out and she keeps asking how her face is holding up. I’ll answer that.
Much better than your wallet, thankyouverymuch.
And in answer to your question, Lynne; NO, you do not look normal. You look like you had a facelift. Normal 50 year old women do not worry if their faces are falling off when they are on the treadmill. They take their geritol and pay their bills on time.
Why don’t you take some of that health club membership money and pay your rent with it, or better yet, spend it on some therapy for your kid. Talk about screwed up priorities.
Slurry asks Alexa how things went with Gretchen and Alexa tells her that she wasn’t expecting to be talking about the state of her mental health among racks of tacky clothing. Slurry acts surprised by this but I could have sworn that she knew what Gretchen was up to.
Oh well, she probably ate a brownie and forgot.
By the way, when she winked her eye just then? That was the most difficult part of her workout.
Alexa thinks that gretchen brought up her depression to look better, or to take some heat off herself and while that might be true, if I were Slurry I’d be asking myself where Gretchen would get the idea to talk to her in the first place.
Instead, she says that she’s insulted that Gretchen thinks that she can dole out better advice to her daughter than she can. Why is she so upset, and since when is she such a good parent? I seem to remember a certain “youthologist” having to be called in to talk to the girls a few weeks back.
I’ll agree with Slurry that teens are moody, of course they are, but your kids need REAL parenting, set goals, structure (other than going to the gym) and attention. You reap what you sow and that is never more evident than when Alexa dismisses Gretchen by saying that what does she know? She’s like, 40. She isn’t, as we all know, but what would make her say that?
You must be so proud, Mrs. Curtain. You are passing on some stellar wisdom because it is common knowledge that people who look older have no worth in this society. You are proving it to her every single day, so don’t get all shocked when she says it.
Geez, I’m getting a headache from the hypocrisy. Let’s go back to the Caribbean for a bit before I call child services.
Donn and Crackie are getting ready to renew their vows and Donn is getting nervous. He tears up when the concierge/bartender/driver/president of the island pins his boutonniere on his shirt. Sooo cute.
Maybe he’s crying because he realises that he’s going to have to spend another fifteen with that nutjob, I’m not sure.
They’ve gone all out with a little band playing music, petals strewn on the sand, and a romantic bower on the beach. Crackie says that she feels like she’s 21 again. I’m still jealous, sitting on the couch with a heating pad keeping me warm.
Donn’s face lights up as Crackie waltzes into view, carrying a bouquet of local flowers in a white dress and bare feet. He couldn’t be happier.
Maybe he thinks that he’s marrying those shoes.
They exchange hand written vows and since Crackie isn’t wearing a hat, I’ll have to assume that she pulled hers out of her ample bosom.
Donn is first and he tells her that he’s tested her forgiveness (what?!) but she has a huge heart full of love and devotion (ack!) and he promises to continue being patient (I’ll say!), doing the right things (like staying home while she humps guys at ‘conventions’) and filling her heart, loving husband, blah, twilight of life, blahblah buhblah.
Her hanky wringing involves being happy and proud of him, starting anew and since they had very little money when they first started out and skimped on his ring (HIS ring, of course, not hers), she had a new one made for him. Out comes the Barbara designed ring.
His reaction is total shock.
“Look, 1 1/2 carats! I shit them out myself! All it took was a little coal and a couple minutes between conference calls!”
He thanks her for everything, including being herself.
Oh my goodness, they must have some good drugs on this island. I am calling my agent as soon as this is over before Slurry hears about it and smokes the whole place up, palm fronds and all.
And I admit it. She was right. they fell in love all over again.
On the opposite end of the spectrum sits Tamra. She takes dear old lipless mom out to a fondue place to discuss what the hell is going on with her eyebrows. I jest. They talk about her stinking marriage. Mom looks thrilled.
They talk about Gretchen first, since Tamra is thinking about reconsiling with her. Mom tells her to be careful and then asks if Gretchen is still seeing “that guy.” I assume she is referring to Jay, and Tamra tells her no, Gretchen is seeing Slade now.
Momma is shocked, asking if it’s Jo’s ex boyfriend Slade that she’s referring to. Tamra tells her that it is and says she’ll change the topic of conversation since daddy left mommy for one of her friends and oopsy! It’s a touchy subject for mama.
Unlike killing her children. She looks like she’d be waaaaay into that.
Nice going, Tamra. You’ve got only a handful of people in your corner and you are too clueless to know how not to alienate them.
But she’s not done. She asks her mom if daddy were single again, would she want him back. Mom says no, she’s not in love with him anymore. So, sorry daddy’s girl. You can’t move back into your parent’s basement and pretend that everything is all better. What a jackass.
When mom tells her that you have to work at a relationship, that it’s not going to be perfect all the time, Tamra fakes crying.
And still nothing about those penciled-in eyebrows! Did they burn off, cuz she’s so HOT?
What bad acting. Mom ignores her and says that it’s the truth, you’ve got to work at a relationship and if Simon wants a housewife, he picked the wrong woman since she is so much more than that. I’m sorry? What’s the name of this show again? Didn’t she audition to be one of these hoes?
Whatever, Tamra says that if they didn’t have kids, she would leave. NOW she’s hit a nerve. Mom turns into grandma, cries and tells her that she has three babies to take care of, so she better think twice about divorce.
Ultimately, she tells her that she needs to make it better or be prepared to go her own way. Tamra knows that. She doesn’t want to be 42, living in a condo with three kids.
Goodbye, Tamra Blarney. Hello, Laurie Waring!
How ironic. She’s in exactly the same place as Laurie was in season one, only her eldest derelict is living with HER MOTHER, instead of her ex-husband’s wife. God, what a mess. I’m going to hop in the shower and try to wash the stank of these women off of my skin, not to mention my brain, and as for the snow outside? It isn’t looking so bad after all.
Love and Kisses,