Real Housewives of Orange County: Communication Breakdown

I used to smoke pot quite a bit in my early 20s. It was fun, innocent fun. I had two of the best roommates in New York City and our dealer delivered it right to the door of our 4th floor walk-up. Since he also ran the counter at the deli across the street, he’d bring a six pack and sandwiches too. With that kind of set-up you’d be crazy not to indulge.

If you didn’t, you’d get your cool card revoked by the ghost of Timothy Leary, never be allowed to play video games again and If you were in college I believe the punishment would be getting burned at the stake while Afroman play in the background.

But not us, it was a part of almost every weekend. We’d invite friends over for a round of Trivial Pursuit, where if you got an answer wrong, you had to take a hit off of the bong. The point was that you’d get progressively dumber, bordering on hopelessly idiotic, and there was no way in hell you could win. An experiment in your brain on drugs, if you will.

I quit smoking pot years ago but I have friends that are perfectly capable of toking now and then without having it affect their lives in any adverse way whatsoever. That’s because they started out with common sense and above average intelligence, unlike the Curtains.

This week we find out just how bad they are as stoner parents, how Alexa has learned to manipulate them, and almost see Alexis have a mind of her own. ALMOST. She was on the verge but somehow Pawn preacher used some trigger words (I’m pretty sure it involved the use of ‘poor’ and ‘botox shortage’) and she snapped back into line.Jim isn’t around as we begin this week’s episode at the country club tennis courts, but the cameras are, so apparantly Alexis has learned to work out with a layer of Sheer Coverage spackled onto her face. And if that wasn’t ridiculous enough, Tamra shows up in sky high wedges that she put on after Sophia slapped her with her Hello Kitty makeup kit when she found her raiding her closet.

I sure am glad that Alexis and Tamra were able to find some ‘me’ time for a change. God knows they need it. Too bad that they couldn’t find any time for lessons cuz they SUCK.

You played tennis in High School, Alexis? Really……. where? It wouldn’t happen to have been at the rec center on a little green table with paddles and a plastic ball, would it? Oh well, we all know that you aren’t the biggest intelect on this show. THAT distinction belongs to Jeff, who got out while the getting was good.

They try to chase the ball around and hit it but when your boobs can’t be contained by a sports bra, it’s kinda hard to keep your balance. Plus, you know that not breaking a nail is way more important to Alexis than actually keeping up a good volley.

Tamra is getting the shakes so they sit down on a bench so she can sip whatever booze she stowed away in her water bottle and we can eavesdrop on her doing one of the things that she does best- trash people.

Gretchen is having a goofy Tupperware party and Alexis asks Tamra if she is going. Tamra says no, because Gretchen hasn’t taken the blog down yet, and that blog is the thorn in the Blarney side at the moment. She has kids and stuff, for God’s sake! What if some kid said something at school! Please, with the trash that comes out of YOUR mouth?

For some bizarre reason, I don’t know- maybe Jim has a parental control block on her computer, I wouldn’t be surprised- Alexis hasn’t heard of this blog and all the horrible things that Gretchen says about Tamra and Simon in it. I read it and it consists of Gretchen trying to defend herself against all the Jay accusations and making the Blarneys look like evil masterminds. It’s pretty childish and vitriolic, and sometimes makes no sense so don’t bother.

Do any of us care anymore? Isn’t this story completely played out? It better be after this season or I don’t really see this version of the housewives coming back next year.

Alexis acts like she’s shocked and wouldn’t it be nice to see what that would look like if she could make actual facial expressions?

Did you notice the pink utility lockers in the background of some of the shots? Where are they playing, at an all girl’s Kinder Kare?

From the most exclusive tennis courts to the least discerning condo on the planet, it’s Tupperware time, bitches. Slade is perusing the appetizers that he DIDN’T BUY at Trader Joe’s. There’s quite a spread there and after last week’s Mexican smorgasbord, how the hell is Gretchen staying so skinny?

It’s the least he could do, considering that he’d be lucky to get on Groomer Has It at this point. He’s still making super crappy jokes too, and if this is how he earns his supper, he’d go starving in the McSlore household. We do like to try exotic meats, though, so we would find some kind of purpose for him.

Gretchen has taken this whole 50s housewife thing as an excuse to dress like Donna Reed but she looks cute, so I’ll let it slide. The girl always looks cute, except when she’s mad. THEN her lips tighten and her eyes narrow like a blonde viper. I love it when she gets pissed. Thankfully, she does later on (rubs palms together in glee). LOVE it.

The Curtains arrive, stoned to the bejesus belt as usual. When Gretchen invited them to her 50s ‘I Love Lucy’ era party they took their invitation too literally and came dressed in blue/black and white.

Crackie couldn’t come because she’s WORKING.

We already knew that Tamra isn’t coming but Alexis shows up with the Pawn Preacher who proceeds to spend the entire evening complaining about it. I just love Alexis’s outfit, by the way.

Her taste in clothing is barely one step above Tamra’s, but it is miles below our next guest’s. A vision of hermosura Mexicana floats down the staircase and into my heart. This delicate flower goes by the name of Kay Sedia and if she got her own show I would watch it every week, jotting down enough beauty and style tips to last a lifetime.

Shucks.
She’s still more feminine than Laurie Waring ever was, and that’s a fact.

Jim starts to sweat and I think he just whipped out his iPhone to search for the nearest Mexican Hot Dog man , he’s so turned on. Wow, he look uncomfortable, but he should have known that stuff like this would happen on a Bravo show produced by Miss Andy. He’s not on the Hallmark channel, for God’s sake.

Kay tells all the girls assembled to keep pouring the delicious booze down their throats because it makes him look more gorgeous by the minute, and being good little hoes, they comply. Some of these women will do anything a man tells them to, even if he’s wearing a dress.

There are a handfull of guys standing around awkwardly in Gretchen’s little dining area and Kay tells them to stop undressing her with their eyes. I mean, why bother when you can do it for real later, huh Jim? That 3 grand has to be burning a whole in your pocket, no?

Why is Jimbo $3,000 richer, you ask? He told Slurry that Alexis paid him that much to be there. Bull. Shit. You two agreed that you would tell everyone that bunch of balderdash so you don’t look like a fag for tagging along to every damn thing your Trophy wife does. He is so transparent. Does he really think that we are falling for his malarkey? I don’t know about you, but I did not just fall off the turnip truck.

Kay does her little presentation and when she asks for a volunteer from the men, Frank sidles on up, front and center.

I can’t decide if he’s being a good sport or if he has mistaken her for an unusually animated pinata and he has a stoner’s hankering for some cheap candy.

Side note- how in the hell did Gretchen pay for all the booze in the joint? Is she selling Avon on the side or something? Weird.

Maybe that’s how Miss Andy compensates her after they play dress-up in her boudoir together.

And did you see her on the aftershow with her new straight hair? Awful, just awful, or as my great grandmother used to say- if you’re going to put fake hair on your head, be sure it doesn’t make you look like Tara Reid. Or maybe I read that on Go Fug Yourself. Hmmmm. I get the two confused sometimes. It’s called a black out, in case you were wondering.

Here’s where we come to the big battle that was teased all week in previews. It’s so amazing that I think we should all name it, like great battles of yore, like The Battle of the Bulge, Foreman vs. Ali, etc. Are you up for it, Gasmii? Let’s all think….

I gotta go with Step Up Off My Man vs. I Wouldn’t Fuck Your Husband With Kay Sedia’s Dick, or The Battle for Inarticulate Mumbo Jumbo Supremacy. The Twat Bomb That Fell on Newport, or Mumbles in the Jungle. Over a BungHole.

This has got to be the dumbest war of words EVAH.
Alexis doesn’t like it when Gretchen’s friend Mel keeps chatting up her husband and leaning into him. She’s drunk, honey. That’s what they do, lean on things. If she didn’t do that you’d be having your conversation on the floor right now.

Saucy sauced-up Mel tells her to relax, she has a fiancee, thangyoo berry mudge, and get yerseff some confidinceroonie, you poor excyoose fer a Barbie, dammit! Otherwise, “Less take it ousside!”

Jim is eating this up, two girls fighting over his ugly ass? He should have paid Alexa to bring him, not the other way around.

It doesn’t count if she’s wearing beer/vodka/Franzia goggles any more than it counts if a hooker tells you you’re handsome.

He should surround himself with a drunk entourage all the time, oh wait! He’s way ahead of me. He came on THIS show, didn’t he? And what the hell is up with those Millionaire Matchmaker ads? Did they splice Patti’s head on to old footage of Heidi Klum? When did she get so skinny? If she’s been hanging out with Gretchen I’d understand the rapid weight loss but if that were the case, she’d have a much richer boyfriend, and Slade would be on his knees begging Tamra to date him right now.

She’s single again, after all. Or so they want us to believe. Maybe they know that they aren’t being renewed and they’re planning to get back together just in time to film their own show. Stranger things have happened…

Alexis and saucy Mel take their dispute off to a corner where you would expect a normal rational person to say, “You’re drunk, could you lean on one of your friends instead of my husband for a change? Now let’s go back to the party because I’m really looking forward to the part where you start making out with that potted plant over there. Buddies? Cool.”

But, no. Saucy Mel rambles on and Alexis gets more and more frustrated as she tries to get a word in edgewise. Give it up, Sister Jubblies of Immaculate Duck Lips. Didn’t you learn in college not to try to have a rational conversation with wasted people? Drunks are for drawing Hitler mustaches on at 4 a.m. before the big World History final, not discussing the finer points of Tupperware party etiquette.

Jim finally gets Slade to intervene and the men put an end to it, sending feminism even further back in Orange County than it already was. Sisters AIN’T doin’ it for themselves, it seems.

Nope, they are too busy being catty. Gretchen admits that Mel was a wee bit sloppy but why can’t Alexis let some stupid wasted chick talk to her neanderthal husband?

Because she is pathologically insecure, my friends. Healthy confident women do not inflate their breasticals into pool floaties, get botox every six months and work out an hour for every Fig Newton they look at, especially when their husbands NEVER lift a single weight! The guy is flab from head to foot! I am willing to bet that even his pinky toe has some jelly wiggle to it.

He takes Alexis outside to calm her down by reminding her that Tequila makes people do stupid things. You mean like hitting on guys that look like Shrek? She isn’t done with the subject yet and says that she shouldn’t have to be his bodyguard, protecting him from misguided women and he says, “This conversation is over.”

This next girl becomes my personal hero for a split second when she says, “Can I just say this? He is NOT attractive.”

She is now officially a hero on the Bravo message boards, how much you want to bet? Oh, and Hi to all of you that read my recaps and a special fist bump to Laurileena. We Gasmii raise a glass of wine, sip through our straws and bid you welcome to our madness!

Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em, cuz it’s time to stagger over to Cheech n Chong’s summer rental where Slurry is staring at an avocado.

Or did she say-

Either way, they’ve invited the Blarneys over for tea and crumpets, I mean guacamole, beer and bong hits, while their children look on.

Didn’t Simon make a huge fuss over removing Sophia from Nugget’s Daddy’s beer guzzling end of the pool a few weeks ago? What a hypocrite, and I don’t care if he isn’t drinking and only brought the Don Julio over for free publicity on Bravo.

Frank is looking ROUGH. He has a good reason and this time it isn’t because Slurry forgot to pay the dealer. It’s because their 17 year old daughter didn’t realize that they were serving booze at this party, and took off with out telling them.

Tamra and Slurry have a conversation about how to raise kids (snort!) and then Tammy Sue resorts to doing that other thing she’s good at- getting dirt out of people.

She asks Slurry about Gretchen’s attempt at big sisterhood, and I am just waiting for her to somehow make Alexa’s absence Gretchen’s fault, when she remembers that Sophia Richter and Sydney Borden are there, lounging on the sectional gobbling up every little morsel that drops from Mommy’s caustic tongue.

I think that it’s safe to say that she talks trash on people in front of them all the time at home. No wonder Simon is always trying to silence her. The woman has no filter whatsoever. She is only shutting up this time because the cameras are rolling.

Let’s hope not. I am praying that they are as disgusted with their mother’s behaviour as I am and make efforts to NOT be like her. The world has enough bitchy old windbags as it is, myself included, of course.

We find out why Alexa and Raquel skipped their parents’ rented beer bash, and it’s because it was their turn to dole out cheese at the food bank. I kid, they’re at the beach, silly!

This is producer staging at it’s most awful. Raquel would rather be spreading her liquor fumes around yet another Bowlmor but her sister wants them to act like the Laguna Beach version of the Bobbsey Twins.

I read somewhere that the only reason that Frank agreed to do this show was because it would give his daughters some exposure and help them in their careers, unlike making them study or stupid stuff like that.

Instead, it has become an absolute nightmare. You can’t come off as Ozzie and Harriet when you spent the mortgage on your dope dealer! This uncomfortable conversation between Alexa and Raquel isn’t helping either.

Raquel is a lazy bum whose favorite word is “whatever.” Alexa is a needy insecure child who can’t go two words without saying “like.” She keeps trying to force things around her to go her way but she doesn’t have the tools to do so. Not everyone is as big a pushover as her parents, and the sooner she accepts that the better.

Instead of badgering your sister to swim with you, just freaking do it yourself already! And instead of whining about no one listening, say something interesting for a change without interspersing so many ‘likes’ that your listener falls asleep.

But who am I kidding? These are Slurry’s girls. They only talk about boys and clothes, deep shit like that, in a dreadful monotone that makes me want to smack both of them. And good luck with moving to L.A. and partying all the time. I don’t think that you can pay your way through the big city with the money earned from Mommy’s crappy cuffs. She needs that dough to keep the doctor from reposessing her face.

Some time later, Alexa is busy filling out her application for Harvard when Slurry calls her. She tells her that she can’t go out tonight because she missed her curfew the night before. This serves only to make Alexa get ready to meet her friends a little faster since Mommy isn’t even there to enforce this, and what difference does it make? They’ve never grounded her before, why would they start now?

An hour later, Slurry and Frank come back from their buy only to find her gone. They call her, she tells them where she is and hangs up on them. This is where my mother would have made a bee line for the car, grabbing my Dad’s old fraternity paddle on her way out the door, gotten to where ever I was at the speed of light, and smacked the shit out of me in front of all my friends.

But, no. These parents are their kids’ friends. Plus, they just picked up some of the good shit and as Frank says, “You can only chase them around so much.”

Slurry asks, “Where did we go wrong?” and I say, “Pull up a chair, dingbat. This might take a while.”

1. Being friends with your kid only works if the only friends you have work at boot camps.
2. Smoking pot all day and doing a shitty job covering your tracks gives your children ample ammuntion against you, not like they need it.
3. Avoiding issues until they become UNavoidable makes things ten times worse, like waiting a whole month before you clean your bong. It’s gross, right? Exactly.
4. Using every surviving brain cell to work out, tan, and plan your next surgery and then only talking about your looks leads to children who do not cultivate any kind of intellect. This is why your daughter wants to be a model, even though she would never make it past a cattle call for a phone sex line.
5. And finally, Bravo brought you on because you are a trainwreck, not because your daughters are going anywhere in life. Did Miss Andy give you a call, begging you to allow Alexa to appear on Make Me A Supermodel? No. Was Raquel invited to compete on Top Design? Uh-uh. I’d be surprised if they let her paint a bathroom on Flipping Out.

Isn’t it amazing how they are making Crackie seem sane? It’s unreal.
That’s where we go next, to Crackie kissing her own ass for being the only housewife who WORKS. She’s off to the office where she calls a staff meeting to inform them that they are such hard workers that she has a little spa party planned for them. What about the guys, you ask? Certainly they won’t be wanting any botox or spray tan, no?

Well, it seems that she has scared away all the straight men because she only has a couple of swishy boys working for her, and they are more than happy to get the housewife treatment. One more thing- why does the blonde chick have a very fresh hickey on her neck?

Consider it a morale booster since everything at the office is WORK related.

This is the weirdest staff meeting ever. Couldn’t you just take them out to Red Lobster, like everybody else? Who’s with me when I assume that she got all the spa treatments for free in exchange for the TV exposure? Cheapskate. Somebody run over to her Bravo blog and see if she thanks them by giving them a little Duzoxin-style plug.

One of her employees remarks that the only reason that she gave them all the free botox injections was so that they would always look calm and happy at work. Ha. You can be sure that Crackie made that nice lady work overtime for that remark.

She makes a corny comment about being the train that they are all riding to success and then she gets her own spray tan that Bravo kindly did not make us watch. By the way, who “Woo Hoos” when they are getting their skin sprayed orange? You are in a tiny room, Crackie, not the freaking rain forest. Consider the spray tan lady’s hearing.

Meanwhile, the Curtains are playing dress-up with their “good” daughter Lucy. They doll her up in an outfit that looks like something I wore to my first Easter Party, which gives me more in common with the dog than the parents.

Alexa is still out and they are trying to pass the time until she comes home, leaving messages on her voicemail that say, “Hey sweetie pie, call me back.” This is the point where my mother would be figuring out how she could manage to ground me until I was eligible for Social Security.

Frank wants to ease up on poor widdle Alexa but Slurry doesn’t. She keeps calling her until she rolls in at 11:42 wearing completely different clothes than the ones she left the house in earlier-

And this is where my mom would have called up nice Mr. Calhoun in order to make arrangements for my final resting place.

They give her the usual third degree about where she’s been and she says she was at a birthday party for her friend Matt.

This is where I start to wonder exactly who is the victim here. Alexa plays the one card that seems to work in every situation- the ‘I’m not happy but it’s personal,’ bullshit that they fall for every single time. The parental guilt allows her to shuffle off to her rented bedroom worry free.

See, your daughter plays the pity card while faking her problems to distract you and blackmail you into shutting up, while she parties to her heart’s content. She just said as much in interviews. Too bad that by the time you see this, she will be 18. So, congrats! Parental FAIL. You have taught your own daughter how to manipulate you.

And I only halfway believe Alexa when she says that she wants to see if she can find what their limit is. She is enjoying this and the rest is typical teenaged moodiness. She is probably bragging to her friends right now that she has them wrapped around her little finger. I hope that she doesn’t regret it later when she finds herself homeless in L.A. with no street smarts to help her through.

Ugh. Let’s move on. This is getting depressing.
The little vignette this week shows Crackie’s son Mike in vegas playing Texas Hold ‘Em. He’s mean to a girl across the table because she forces him to go all-in. He later wins a big hand and says, “Full house! Suck it!”
I liked Brianna’s disco bowling hibachi night much better. Can we have more of that instead, Mr. Producer person, please? Thanks.

And don’t even get me started on Gretchen’s Turbo Tax commercial. Let’s see, (rubs chin) how can I describe it? Oh, yeah. VILE. Almost as vile as the screen grab I am about to treat you to. Consider yourselves warned.

The toxic twosome of Gretchen and Slade have invited Jimbo and Alexis to a day at the track. They are taking a limo that is being paid for with what, Slade’s good looks? Doubtful. Is this another free ride in exchange for a plug? Sheesh, it’s an epidemic on this show.

We are now treated to the answer of the mystery of the Pawn Preacher’s attractiveness. He has money, this we know. He mentions it constantly, like when he jokes that Alexis’s hat cost so much, the box alone was $100.

I joke. THAT particular box is way more expensive, and who is willing to wager that she has already added vaginal rejuvenation to her list of plastic surgeries? Not that she really needs it, not with what he’s packing:

I warned you.

It’s funny. This may be the first time that a big wang hasn’t increased someone’s attractiveness for me. I’d rather let Ron Jeremy have a go than let Jimbo anywhere near MY handy dandies, that’s for sure. Besides, I don’t want to come out of my boudoir in my prettiest Mormon dressing gown, only to find him downstairs pricing my silver.

Anyhoo, it’s Dress Like Dame Edna Day at DelMar and Gretchen is posing up a storm for the paps. She’s like a kid in a candy store when there’s a photographer around and she is lapping it up. Slade tells her to cool it, she’s scaring the horses and, yay! He finally made me laugh! Unfortunately, he wasn’t joking.

Jim sold some extra pocket watches this week, so he sprung for front row priveleges, where they whoop it up when their horse wins it’s race.

They head up to their skybox where Gretchen brings up the horrible way that Crackie and Tamra treated her when they went to the track the year before. Put a lid on it, already. I am so sick of this crap.

Alexis tells her that she should get over it, that neither one of them is 100% right and as she tries to inarticulate this argument to her, Gretchen’s face gets more and more stormy.

LOVING this. Poor Gretchen. She wants the new girl to be on her side, and you have to pick sides, you know. Anything less is treason. If you give any credence to Tamra, you might as well be selling nuclear codes to North Korea.

Alexis is refusing to pick sides, and why should she? If there is anything that going to church has taught her, it’s that a ho is a ho, no matter how you slice it. Arguing over who is the bigger one is just semantics.

She continues down this train of thought until drunken Jimbo butts in and tells her to choose her words carefully. In other words, let me choose them for you while you sit there and look pretty. You see, their reality is that they judge people by their own experiences with them, not heresay.

Jimbo takes Alexis aside and since you can’t hit your wife on camera, viewers tend to complain, he resorts to drunken platitudes of “rising above” the situation. I really thought that she might actually stand on her own two feet for once, especially when she said that she deserved to have a point of view. But once again, he must have used those trigger words because she agreed with him and shut up.

I hope that she stops drinking the kool-aid pretty soon. This is getting ridiculous.

We have one more scene to get through this week, and then we can all collectively put an ice pack on our heads and pop open the beverage of our choice.

The ‘youthologist’ is back and she must be thanking her lucky stars that she has the Curtains for clients. They make every other family seem like a walk in the park in comparison.

It is supposed to be a family meeting but Alexa has decided to skip it. I can’t understand why, she seems to love to hear the sound of herself crying.
Raquel is the good daughter now, she even did a painting of one of Slurry’s stoner cuffs!

They get wayward Alexa on the phone and she makes a half-hearted promise to drop by later. Frank is finally, FINALLY getting fed up. They chat a little about teenagers going through phases and Vanessa tells them to try and understand that Alexa can “taste 18″ and can’t wait to get there.

Alexa finally drags her hormonal ass home and gets bombarded by Slurry’s questions- “What’s going on? What are you doing?” I’m wondering if she went a little easier on the bong hits today and is allowing some real emotion to come to the surface.
And then she fixes Alexa’s blouse.

For Chrissakes, Slurry! You are trying to mend your broken relationship with your daughter and yet you find time to notice that her shirt needs fixing? What is more important here? How her mic pack looks on camera or whether she ends up on an episode of Teen Mom?

Alexa feels like they are ganging up on her (good!) and out comes the guilt tripping because they are “stressing her out.” This is what happens when your life has random rules and little structure or expectations are placed upon you. You are unable to face anything! You don’t know how!

Before she has a complete meltdown, Vanessa takes her off camera so that she can cool off. They talk and Alexa says that it’s a little late for her parents to start disciplining her and uses an argument that is as old as the teenager- they can’t change the rules on me now, and I don’t remember my sibling having to adhere to all these rules!

Honey, your sister wasn’t a whiny little pain in the ass. She got her drunk on at the Bowlmor, snuck ciggies out back and tried not to call attention to herself. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t beg for attention and then cry because you don’t get to chose what form it takes! Geez, geniuses sure do run in this family, don’t they?

You have no idea how much effort it took to fly under the radar when I was a kid. I would have done backflips if my parents let me do what I wanted as long as they knew where I was. Instead, they installed the 80s version of a GPS on me- a really nosy sister.

She tells vanessa one thing that I truly believe. Everything else she is selling, I’m not buying.
The one thing she says is that her parents are pretending to be worried about her. I believe her because last season they could have cared less what Raquel was up to, UNTIL they got shit for what we saw on TV. They are putting up a facade of giving a shit because if they don’t, well, you saw what happened last year.

They go in to talk to mom and dad, and it’s back to Alexa being pissed for having to adhere to rules that didn’t exist when her derelict older sister was hopping in and out of ‘alternative’ schools and public bathrooms with impunity.

She answers a text as Frank tells her that they worry about her, and when she says that these rules are coming out of nowhere, Frank says that that’s not true and she smiles. What are they going to do? Ground her for being right about something? Like I said, they changed the rules just in time for the show to start and are playing ‘concerned parents.’

Now, I am starting to get the dynamic here and it is not pretty. Vanessa is a distraction and needs to get the hell out of the situation. As long as she is there, the whole world is supposed to believe that this child is to blame for the situation that she finds herself in.

The truth is that if the Curtains really gave a shit about what their daughter was up to, this would have been solved off camera. All they care about is how they look to you and me. I’m not saying that Alexa is an angel, hell no. What I am saying is that you reap what you sow and sure, parents can change the rules on kids. It happens all the time. Just don’t change them for any reason other than the welfare of your child. This is for the Bravo audience. End of story.

And with that, Alexa leaves because that’s how she was taught to deal with things. YOU DON’T. If it’s too painful, if it’s a ‘downer,’ put on your silver dress, hop into your friend’s car while your parents do nothing and make out with Javier at his house. Everyone’s a loser here. Everyone but Javier. Here’s hoping that he uses protection.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore