-
TV Social
Login
Recent Comments
- JimbobJones: …And that glass tube in her nose was just a mini snorkel.
- blazergirl: The look on her face is pure anger towards whoever made her take the wig off. I am patiently waiting for...
- chaosbutterfly: Her mugshot photo is so funny. No fear, no remorse.
- Gypsy: @blazegirl-survey says: BNO! Reason: Reese’s ‘Do you know who I am?’ trumps Bynes for...
- Gypsy: Although WE brainiacs at that Gasm may know that our dear, dear Miss Bynes can smoke in many locations...
- Tracy: What is wrong with this woman? Who the hell you gonna model for–”Fat, Evil, Post-Partum Bitch”...
- thisbuggs4u: Hell if she was in Washington State, she would not have a court date! You just can’t smoke it out...
- MisRed: Rach Mathison is that you?!?!?!?
- rach: Thanks for the great recap!! I do enjoy this show and I enjoy your recaps!
- KRB: The format changes are that they are not doing the results on a different night, everything will be in 1 evening....
Hot Shows
-
Fresh Tweets!
- RT @bbwraven: #FF @WhatCrappens not only the best Bravo podcast but the funniest! Thx u hosts @bsideblog @TVGasm @lifeontheMlist plus they… 40 minutes ago
- RT @SioMonroe: #FF (our friendship might be in question if you don't) @WhatCrappens @lifeontheMlist @bsideblog @TVGasm @timmonslisa @flipit… 40 minutes ago
- What is it funny or something? #arresteddevelopment #season4 #top10tv #memorialdaymarathon goo.gl/4uLOy @netflix 11 hours ago
- Forget Pamplona Spain, The Icing of the Balls in the ATL is where it's at #DontBeTardy Recap goo.gl/Vk9nT @Kimzolciak 11 hours ago
- "Go forth and keep Portland weird." #NBCGrimm Recap goo.gl/VmGMo @MrReggieLee @Just_Monroe 18 hours ago
- Jenn's crotch is bullying me! #badgirlsclub Recap goo.gl/2O7re 21 hours ago
- Can you give me your peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipe? #Married2Med Recap goo.gl/qEqe8 21 hours ago
- RT @stoopidhsewives: @BravoTV #WWHL Beats @ChelseaLately in Ratings... @TVGasm "It's TV!" With Ronnie and Carrie … wp.me/p19GVk-gv6 v… 1 day ago
- All chained up an no place to go #Revolution Recap goo.gl/LtIzN @nbcrevolution @nbc 1 day ago
- Thought you might like our version of #Newlyweds ! tvgasm.com/home/behind-th… xo @blairlate 1 day ago
- New epi of IT's TV!! tvgasm.com/home/behind-th… @gracehelbig @lanyardtwerk @aguywithnolife @laurensivan @thewrap @zap2it @nikkifinke @logotv 1 day ago
- New epi of IT's TV!! tvgasm.com/home/behind-th… @fuggirls @pajiba @vulture @sepinwall @queermeup @thebravoblonde @previouslyTV @jeffreestar 1 day ago
- New epi of IT's TV!! tvgasm.com/home/behind-th… @deggans @sarahthyre @jonathanadler @theavclub @roblowe @thebravoholic @jarettsays @bravopr 1 day ago
- New epi of IT's TV!! tvgasm.com/home/behind-th… @SarahsSecrets4u @vodka4dummies @2guysplusbaby @tomatonation @michcoll @radar_online 1 day ago
- New epi of It's TV! tvgasm.com/home/behind-th… @annadavid @gracehelbig @lanyardtwerk @aguywithnolife @laurensivan @jeffreestar @ewanniebarrett 1 day ago
- Luis is showing his slimy side rank amateurism astute professionalism by doctoring photos of the townhouse before he puts them in his listi 1 day ago
- I need at least 150 characters to make fun of these shows #top10tv goo.gl/ZGf7H 1 day ago
- ooh, yea. that looks hot. okay, i'm down. yea, tie him up. now - WTF LEECHES! AHHHHHH! game of thrones is never safe. 1 day ago
Hi, Gasmii! Did you all have a nice Valentine’s Day? Mine was great- two hockey games in two days. Unfortunately, I think I picked up a bug in Detroit, so now I’m loaded on garlic and vitamin C instead of Syrah.
I got Mr. McSlore a neon Guiness sign for the basement bar and I got some cute stuff of my own, wink wink. If you were without anyone special, then let me be your Valentine. I’ve got plenty of love and nice long arms for hugs. Okay, enough of this mushiness, let’s get to the hos!This week picks up right where last week ended, with the eviction. How depressing. I am so sick of these busted down broke bitches and their new poor lifestyles. Where’s the fun, the glamour, the obnoxious displays of wealth? There’s very little joy in making fun of people during a financial crisis. It’s just not the same.
One thing I can make fun of are Slurry’s cluless kids. Raquel wants to know if she’s dreaming that she got served eviction papers since she’s hungover. Weren’t they staying at grandma Marilou’s? Wasn’t Lucy supposed to stand guard at the liquor cabinet? Someone’s not getting any new puppy cuffs this week.
Raquel Felch calls up Slurry and asks her what is going on, all the while giving the camera the finger. Classy.
Don’t flip off the hand that feeds you, dumbass.
She asks her mother, over and over, “What the fuck is going on,” while Moon Unit hides under a comforter on the sofa. That’s right, Moonie, don’t deal with stuff, don’t act rational, just hide under a duvet. Tune out the outside world with whatever drug you can get your hands on and then watch the rented flatscreen on Mommy and Daddy’s rented couch. Maybe if you cover your eyes long enough, it will all go away. Oh well, look on the bright side.
Last I time I checked Dutch Oven-ing yourself was still free.
Slurry tells Raquel that she’s just as surprised as she is and says in interviews that she feels guilty that her poor little angels had to be the ones to sign for the eviction notice. I think that she should see it as a good thing, a little wake-up call to her unemployed lazy assed good for nothing teenagers. I don’t see things changing any time soon, and in the immortal words of Spencer Blarney-
Get used to it.
Slurry is really upset.
The tears are running down her payment planned face, and she tells Frank to meet her at a park to discuss the situation. She doesn’t want Moonie or Raquel to be any more disturbed while sleeping off their hangovers and watching the ‘My Super Sweet 16′ marathon on MTV. God forbid they should be any more traumatized.
Don’t laugh, Gasmii, don’t you dare! Don’t you realise how hard it is to explain to your friends why you didn’t get a Bentley for your birthday? Years of therapy, I tell you, if not decades.
Poor Frank. He looks so dejected sitting at that picnic table and hanging his head in shame. He interviews that he got in over his head and should never have rented that big beautiful house in the first place. Money is almost as tight as Slurry’s new face, and he made a big mistake.
She sits down next to him to talk and he tells her that he couldn’t afford to pay the $10,000 deposit in time, and that’s why they got evicted. Slurry says that he lied to her because he said the place was perfect since it didn’t require a deposit and “You lied, Frank. You lied,” she sneers.
He had to put a down payment on your face, why would a house be any different?
It’s like someone is throwing her cuff across a table all over again.
I’m going to guess that the owner didn’t ask for one until she found out about the show and all the equiptment and people that were going to be in and out of the place. It’s a moot point though, and we may never know because she keeps interrupting him when he tries to explain.
Slurry is such a hippy, she sucks at expressing her anger. She’s got that whole “So there,” and “whatever, man, you suck,” kind of attitude. Plus, she comes off sounding more angry at being made to look bad and God forbid- poor, and won’t stop going on and on about how he lied and she can’t forgive him.
And don’t say that he should have told you, Slurry, that you can handle the truth. Really? Who’s the liar now?
This is the same woman that doesn’t want anything in her life that might be a downer. She wants her credit cards, her shopping trips, her plastic surgery and gym membership. She never cared about how she got those things before, so why the fuck would Frank start to clue her in now? So she can yell at him for wrecking her buzz?
I’ll tell you exactly how that would have gone down. She would have told him that she doesn’t understand, ask him to handle it and then she would have grabbed her VISA and headed for the nearest Nordstrom. She’d be in her Beemer so fast that he’d be standing there talking to nothing but the lingering aroma of skunk weed and patchouli she left behind her.
Frank knows this and tells her as much. She just keeps saying that he lied. Maybe she thinks that if she keeps saying that she won’t have to deal with the reasons why he felt he had to lie in the first place. He tells her anyway.
You see, Slurry, he wouldn’t have had to lie if you would have been amenable to truly downsizing in the first place, but no. You had to live in a high rent area of Laguna so you could look good on TV. He tells her that they have to cut back. She doesn’t want to hear it so now he’s pissed too.
It’s like they don’t even know each other. They’re just stoner buddies and when shit gets serious they look at each other like strangers when they should be figuring out how to get out of this mess.
And where does she get off saying that she’s not going to be a victim? A victim of what, the fucking fact that there’s a recession going on? Honey, there are people out there who work a hundred times harder than you do, yet they’re still on food stamps. You’re complaining about your new Stoner Cuff money going towards neccessities? If it weren’t for the carpal tunnel, I’d slap you silly.
She gets up to leave, saying that she’s “over it,” and she doesn’t think that she can forgive him. Wow. I used to think that she was a harmless rich hippy. Now I can’t stand her. Would you want to be her friend? If she treats her husband like this when the going gets tough, what would she do to a friend that was in trouble? It’s sad to say, but she’s just as much of a pampered loser as those lovely daughters she can’t control.
One more thing before we move on to Crackie’s World. Slurry says that this is the hardest time in her life. I want to do my part and make her feel better, don’t you? Let’s call up Jerry Lewis to ask him to set up a telethon for broke housewives. I just hate to see her so strapped for cash and unable to buy the sparkly boobie tops she so desperately needs to stay alive. Who’s with me?!?
On second thought, I’m over it.
Besides, I’ve learned to live with unsparkled boobie tops, and sometimes no top at all. Why can’t she?
That’s how I earn my fine joorey. Maybe she can get that stoner glue gun out and whip some up to match her cuffs. More free financial advice. I hope she’s getting this down.
If not, she can always ask Crackie for a meeting. She’d be more than happy to talk down to her while pointing out her financial flaws and holding her in contempt. Then she can talk about her behind her back, you know, like people that take the high road are wont to do.
The cameras catch Madam Crackhead coming back from another adulterous weekend business trip and Brianna runs up to hug her. She greets her like a litte kid, all excited that mommy’s back from out of town. So cute. I remember doing that when my Dad would get back from New York or Atlanta, or wherever he was on his business trips.
Did she bring her a snow globe too, or don’t they sell those at swingers’ conventions?
Our Brianna got some new bangs and a fabulously ugly new jeweled top. I don’t get it. Why do all these women wear those hideous things? It’s like their crack, right up there with expensive Chardonnays and bedazzled iPhone protectors. I need to move to Newport and open a shop that sells only those three items, maybe run a backroom botox business as well.
I’ll be richer than Oprah before you could say Swarovski.
They sit down on the couch and Brianna talks to her about her last doctor’s visit. This confuses me a little. Brianna has not been feeling well the past 2 or 3 years and nobody could figure out what was wrong until she went to a specialist, who performed an ultrasound on her thyroid. It took an hour and a half and revealed a bunch of grape sized nodules on various areas of her neck and lymph nodes.
What I don’t understand is why it took so long to get a diagnosis. One- Brianna is a nurse. Shouldn’t she be hyper vigilant? Second- Crackie had the exact same problem. You would think that a neck ultrasound would be the first thing on the list. Plus, it just makes me mad. I’m very grateful that Brianna didn’t inherit her mother’s spastic controlling personality but did she have to get the lumpy neck gene instead? This girl doesn’t deserve so much as a hangnail after all she’s been through with that overbearing shrew.
At any rate, she has to go in for a biopsy to make sure they aren’t cancerous. She tells Crackie the date and, wait for it……. she’s WORKING that day. Somehow she sees the light and tells Brianna that she’ll go with her even though she has 150 agents coming in that day. What. The. Fuck. I think that she made that up so that Brianna would realise the immense sacrifice she would be making for her. I really do. I’ll tell you why.
I don’t doubt for a second that she cares about Brianna, I just know for a fact that this woman lives to receive affirmations from those around her. The spotlight is on her daughter’s health and she wants to make sure that she looks like a bigger martyr than Joan of Arc and Mother Teresa combined.
If this means we can send her to Calcutta and burn her at the stake, martyr it up, baby, martyr it up.
It wouldn’t be a housewives recap without a screen grab of Slurry trying to outrun the repo man in her used Beemer, so here you go:
She and her drooling dolts moved in with grandma Marilou, and FranknFailure checked into a hotel. I guess that she doesn’t want to share her stash anymore, not now that she has to pay for it with her own hard earned Stoner Cuff money.
That’s not very nice. I thought that all good potheads shared. I’m gonna have to repossess all her bedazzled tie dye t-shirts now, and revoke her Phil Lesh fan club membership.
She’s on her way to confide in Tamra since she saw how well that worked out for her and Crackie. She also wants to tell her that she probably shouldn’t go on the shopping trip to San Francisco that Andy Cohen Tamra planned for that weekend since she really shouldn’t be spending money until they get things settled. How weird, is she being reasonable or am I hearing things? My ears are kinda plugged.
Further confusing me, Tamra gives her some sound advice. She tells her not to be so angry with Frank, that he was just trying to protect her from all the stress his failing business was putting him under. She should be thankful. She could have been spending sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, worrying herself to death.
Please, this is Slurry we’re talking about. The only way she would ever be staring at the ceiling in bed at night would be if she hallucinated seeing some magic mushrooms growing up there.
She also tells her not to jump on the divorce bandwagon since Tamra has been down that road once already and it’s not a pretty one. It’s nasty and dirty, you’ll trip over tree stumps and fallen branches, you have to take care of your needy little monster children all by your lonesome, and no one sells good weed. Everyone’s a downer and the only trips you take are to pick up your WIC card.
She also talks her into going on the trip since Bravo already paid for it, I mean she needs some time away from all her problems.
Unlike every other day of her life.
Yuck. Let’s leave these icky poor people and their bothersome money issues and go hang out with some wealthy insouciant floozies. Alexis is looking particularly pneumatic this evening, I must say. How she manages four children, two nannies and all those draining mani/pedis and still look so good is beyond me. It must be all the One-A-Day vitamins and close proximity to holiness, because she doesn’t look a day over fifty. Jimbo’s a lucky man.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve had my rubber ducky for even longer
.
She and Gretchen are out to dinner to nibble at peas and chow down on Eucharist wafers. She must have snuck them into the restaurant in her purse. I hear that she and Jim are so holy and stuff that they make them special for her, calorie free.
Gretchen wants to order some yummy mai tais but old butterball Alexis insists on skinny girl margaritas. You see, she ate a sesame seed for breakfast and when she didn’t barf it up in time, The Pawn Preacher made her take a laxative. Now her widdle tummy needs to be numb in order to process any more food.
The waitress listens patiently as she describes all the ingredients, managing to not reach her hand out and snap Alexis in half between her finger and thumb. Let’s see, soda water instead of sour mix, extra limes and salt on only 5/16ths of the rim, sounds more like a Bitch, Please margarita to me.
And holy crap, even the poor waitresses in Orange County have face lifts.
I just love how she’s proud of being high maintenance. She wears it on her sleeve like a badge of honor. Well, if she owned any sleeves she would.
It’s weird. I’ve only known a couple of women in my life that were truly, truly, high maintenance. Both of them were married to assholes that cheated on them, both got divorced and both ended up lesbians- very happy full-on Granola dykes.
She should think about that. And when she’s ready, one of them is single again AND she likes big boobs. I could hook her up, no problem.
Anyhoodle, they are rehashing the whole stupid Crackie drama that happened at Slurry’s house. I wish that Gretchen had the balls to tell Mallard Mouth that she’s a bore, because she really is. Some people just shouldn’t story tell. Save that shit for a captive audience like bedtime with the twin future gold diggers.
Remember how she was describing every little detail, like what she was wearing, what was in her bag, ad infinitum? Somebody tell me why anyone would find that interesting. Am I just overthinking when I try to understand what would possess someone to be a complete bore? I don’t know anything right now. My fever is making me stupid. If you put a Brad Pitt mask on Jimbo right now, I’d probably fuck him. That’s how far gone I am.
It’s biopsy day for Brianna. I hate this shit.
My family has a history of heart disease and strokes. There is very little cancer, thankfully, so when it strikes I get all freaked out because I’m not really used to it. I haven’t been there for anyone who has gone through chemo. I have held the hands of friends with AIDS and dying elderly relatives but those I was prepared for. It didn’t last very long and I never put in the amount of time that would be needed to help someone through that amount of treatment. I really hope that she’s okay so I’m not going to snark on her.
And the correct word is frightening, not frightful, Crack head.
Mikey says some nice things about her too. That she has a good head on her shoulders and that she can handle it. She really does deserve “the best of the best of the best,” as Crackie puts it. Get well, Brianna, we all love you!
Meanwhile at the Bellino dungeon, totally unscripted and with complete sponteneaity, Mallard Mouth goes into the Great One’s home office. He has taken a full minute from his busy schedule of internet porn and Christian rock Youtube videos to listen to her bullshit. It better be good.
She tells him that she’s so so sad that he’s not going to San Fran with her, oh so sososososo sad. Her tear ducts are even twitching and that NEVER happens anymore, not even when he uses the really big paddle.
The tragic news is that The Pawn Preacher can’t go on the trip with her because it’s not in the script, I mean he has ‘unavoidable meetings’ to attend. And they’re all on the golf course. And they involve Don Julio and hookers. Oh, and jesus of course. He’ll be there too. He RSVP’d to Jimbo personally.
It was in the Christian Science Moniter and everything.
She’s justifyably worried about leaving him alone with the kids. He is 47 after all, and his patience isn’t what it used to be. Playing with children just isn’t part of his ‘reality.’ If you don’t believe me, take a look-
He has a baby gate in his office.
I’m surprised that Alexis is allowed through.
You know who is probably having a field day with the Bellino insults right now? Crackie. She’s probably remarking that working from home on a computer is not really WORKING. She has a real office, with desks and chairs and frightened botoxed orange employees. Conference rooms and paperwork and Chamber of Commerce citations framed in real glass and wood and everything.
She repeats that Tamra didn’t stick up for her against big bad Simon, and then says that Alexis is an attention whore, something she knows absolutely nothing about. What happened to not hating on the new girl, Crackie? Were you so busy trying not to lose your step on that high road of yours that you forgot?
Whatever, it doesn’t matter. She’s going because she wants to make amends and it was in her Bravo contract. She should look at it this way- she finally gets that all girl trip she wanted, AND Brianna is coming along to act as a buffer! Yay!
They board the plane in first class and I am so jealous. I’ve never been to San Francisco. It looks really pretty in an almost European way. There are tons of gay people, good seafood, great art and nice jewelry stores. It’s basically Twunty Paradise.
Poor matchstick Alexis is having trouble getting her fifty pound bag into the overhead compartment. She says that she’s used to having Jimbo around to do it for her which is just pathetic. She works out all the damn time, she even considers fitness her expertise and she can’t lift her stinking carry-on above her head?
Take some more vitamins, woman, before you break your hip or something.
Crackie says that she was really surprised that Slim Jim didn’t come and she calls him a “smelly dork.” I don’t know about you, Gasmii, but I cannot wait for that little gem to come up at the reunion, and if they gyp us out of one this season I am calling the head of NBC Universal myself.
Tamra acts a fool by speaking plane ride instructions into her reading light. Quit trying so hard to be the fun one.
Go back to being your
tepid hot self.
She and Crackie aren’t discussing any of the housewarming drama and Crackie is surprisingly low key. She does travel quite a bit. I’m sure that she’s well aware of the fact that they throw crackheads off of plane’s in this post 9/11 world. Too bad they can’t Kevin Smith her ass but to be fair, she’s looking less porcine these days. Now if someone would get her to stop wearing flesh colored lipstick, she wouldn’t be half bad.
They take a nice limo ride to the hotel and I see that the natives are prepared for their arrival.
The penthouse is amazing, unlike the tacky Presidential Suite that the Bellinos stayed in last week.
This is what you get when you let a queen book your trip instead of a Pawnbroker.
Miss Andy done good, and hello!
I didn’t know he was best buds with John Boy!
Nice to see that he’s getting more than just voice-over work these days.
We have another treat in store, courtesy of the wonderful family at Bravo- reservations at Fleur de Lis, chef Hubert’s restaurant. Shit. I want to work for Miss Andy. he sure doesn’t skimp on the perks. And shut your big trap, Tamra. Nobody with half a brain thinks that you planned this classy trip. If they left it up to you, we’d be watching you eat wings at Hooters right now before stumbling back to your Motel 6.
Their table is a little too intimate for my tastes. They are right on top of each other in order to make room for the cameras. They sit down and Crackie tells them not to place their purses on the floor because it’s bad money luck. No, dumbo. It only applies to bathroom stalls and that’s because the floor is so dirty and germy. The only way it’s bad for your money to set it down on a restaurant floor is if the couple at the next table are purse snatchers.
Mallard Mouth’s phone rings. And rings. And rings. That controlling bastard of a husband won’t stop calling or texting her. How rude! I’m beginning to side with Crackie when it comes to her. Did I just slip into an alternate reality for a second, because I feel for Crackie and I want her to smack the living daylights out of her.
You are in a five star restaurant and you are talking on a cell phone. Can you imagine her doing that if she was out with Jim? Hell no. He’d take it away from her, along with her spa priveleges, and break every bone in her body. He’s a dick, and why doesn’t she have the guts to tell him to shut it? He’s making her look bad. I would think that since appearances are so important to them that looking like a classless whore would be the last thing they would want.
Tamra should slip her the number of her etiquette teacher. Maybe Alexis will have better luck.
More calls. She says good night to her son and then hangs up, only to text Jim some more as Slurry sits there stupified, mumbling “I thought this was a no cell phone zone.”
“Where do they grow the shrooms around here?”
Crackie and Tamra are exchanging wtf looks and Gretchen sips her Champagne, completely unfazed. I swear that nothing bugs her.
She probably doesn’t even get PMS. Bitch.
It’s commercial break time and our weekly vignette serves to prove that none of us is crazy, The Pawn Preacher really is a huge prick. Why else would they show him trying to put together a pink Big Wheel and failing miserably at it?
They catch him berating the nanny for not reading the instructions and even tries to get his son in on the nanny hate. What a colossal cheesedick. Especially since he didn’t read the manual either, Cock! I hope your kids grow up into nice healthy well adjusted monsters and pull a Menendez on your ass. I volunteer to write the Vanity Fair article since Dominic Dunne done died and went to heaven.
People Like Us don’t read the fucking manual.
Back at the five star dinner from hell, I’m wondering where Brianna is and then Crackie says that she’ll be arriving later that night. She can’t get here fast enough.
Alexis tries to force feed Crackie an olive from Gretchen’s martini like she was one of her drooling kids or something. I cannot believe this. She’s more crass that Tamra. What the?
She finally eats it, loving every second of the attention until Gretchen tells her that her boobies look like they want to come out and play again. Hahahahaha! I was surprised that she didn’t go ballistic over that little reminder of her swinging ways with other women’s husbands last season. She really is making an effort.
Let’s all pray it doesn’t last.
It’s Slurry’s turn to contribute to the conversation and she recounts her eviction. The other ladies are in shock. At least I think they are. That botox again.
Crackie does exactly what you would expect her to do. She tallks behind Slurry’s back, saying that the stoner doesn’t get it, that she should know what you owe and who you owe. Duh. Gretchen jumps on the bandwagon and interviews that Slurry has her head in the sand. Double duh.
Crackie tells her not to blame Frank, blame Miss Andy, and then tells her to start living within her means, as they sit around eating lobster and pate. Except for Tamra. She gets lettuce, big fatty. She makes a joke about it and I hope someone sticks a tack on her seat when she gets up to go to the bathroom. I want to see her deflate with a nice, slow long hissssss. I’m sure that eventually they’ll notice she’s gone, only to find two silicone balls and a pair of eyebrows lying on her chair. The rest will just blend in with the upholstery.
Alexis wants a mini bite of Gretchen’s amazing pan seared goose liver. Just a widdle itsy bitsy tiny pin prick of pate. She spits it into her napkin before it even touches her palate, all dramatic like and I can’t say I’m surprised. All this girl ever digests is lobster, tequila and Champagne. Her body naturally rejects everything else as a foreign intrusion, like white blood cells in Fantastic Voyage, only less realistically.
There are no calories if you don’t swallow.
Do you think she does that with Jim too? Sorry, that was gross. I know.
Crackie starts dry heaving and says that she has a weak stomach. Me too. I also get ill when exposed to female douchebaggery. I will actually vomit though, especially when I look at Mallard Mouth’s husband. This pate spitting is small potatoes compared to that.
Crackie interviews that Alexis is classless trash and wants to know why she’s even there. She says this after making barf noises at the table for attention.
I’m sorry, CLASSY barf noises.
I can answer her question, though. Mallard Mouth is there because you drove Jeana and all her drama away by playing Mean Girls with Tamra. In the meantime, Alexis spent every waking moment shoving her kids into the arms of nannies and devouring housewife minutiae so that Miss Andy would cast her in this dying leg of the franchise. She drinks Bethenny’s skinny Margaritas, for God’s sake, and remembers how much you love blue cheese stuffed olives. Homegirl probably queefed out her vaginal rejuvenation stitches in utter joy when she got the Bravo callback.
They aren’t done spreading their particular brand of O.C. class all over San Fran yet so they head over to a bar called The Bubble Lounge. Brianna is there waiting for them and it’s hugs and concern all around. Crackie interviews that it was nice to see all the women showing love and care for her daughter, even if they all do hate her guts. Hello Crackie, next to you, she’s a saint.
I’m pretty sure that God is dusting off a gold chair for her in heaven as you speak, right next to Donn’s.
More Champagne is popped, they raise their glasses to dear Bri, and Alexis tells her that God will take care of her. He told her Himself while she was in the bathroom praying for bigger titty balls.
Gretchen starts bawling over Brianna’s potential cancer. It’s bringing up all the old memories of losing Jeff and having to date Slade instead. Geez, I’d be crying too. Crackie starts crying into her hands, and in about ten seconds everyone is either boo hoo-ing or consoling someone.
Isn’t this fun?!?
I didn’t see Tamra anywhere during all this. My brain is a bit fuzzy. Where was she- spreading her hotness all over drunk businessmen at the bar? Sticking pins into her Gretchen doll, or on her knees under the table looking for her eyebrows? Your guess is as good as mine.
The next day they all dry their tears and go shopping in their best stripper heels. Thank God for limos or else there would be some seriously bad corns brought back to Southern California and nobody wants that, not even Simon.
But what if they’re really HOT corns?
We learn that Crackie is allergic to wool which is positively shocking since she has some very nice mutton chop jowls, and that the shop doesn’t carry a certain dress in tamra’s size- 8 elf.
Slurry tries on a leather jacket that costs $1,185, and she buys it since she just got a cuff check in the mail. You heard right, she bought a jacket for retail with money that should go towards a bankruptcy lawyer, at the very least.
I think they need to build electric fences around expensive boutiques for people like her. Make her wear a collar that zaps her when she gets within five feet of anything more expensive than Chicos.
On second thought, make it a dollar store.
Bitch, please. Frank is going to love this. He should be divorcing YOUR ass. I don’t care if shopping is your “sport.” I could give a flying fuck if you’re depressed and this is how you make it all better. You are fifty and you live with your mother. No amount of over priced calfskin is going to make that go away.
My God, I want to lock her up and throw away the key.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about someone who we both know that smoked pot every day since he was a teen. He recently quit and do you know what the doctor said? When you do drugs every single day like that you are stuck on the emotional level that you had when you first started. So basically, she’s walking around like a fourteen year old in a middle aged woman’s body. That is just sad.
Whatever, she doesn’t care. If she ignores stuff, it’ll go away. Right? Besides, it’s time for another booze soaked meal of lobster salad and Fuzzy Navels.
They head over to a place called the Waterbar that has spectacular views of the Golden Gate Bridge. Crackie is passing her new phone around, even asking Brianna to make it brighter somehow. Alexis is offended because Crackie gave her so much grief for the phone calls she took at the table the night before.
But they’re WORK calls.
She tells Crackie that she understands that she’s a hard working, successful businesswoman and she doesn’t have a problem with that. She DOES have a problem with a few other things, though, and she’d like to talk about that but we have to wait for next week.
When Gretchen stars in her very own Mary Poppins themed Playboy spread.
Motherfuckers! Don’t you cliff-hang me. I’m sick and I need to see Crackie stomp Mallard Mouth into spray tanned sanctimonious dust. It’s the only thing that will make me better, the doctor said so. Waaaaaah!
Love and Kisses,
Twunty Mcslore
TV Social
-
39 Comments
Jumbo in his office watching porn and listening to christian rock – hahaha. I have no doubt that is exactly what he does all day. That and belittling his wife.
Twunty, keep yourself healthy please. If I ever hear you say that you’d do Jumbo, I’ll drive to wherever you are and smack the sickness right out of you. I will bring chicken soup though.
Yay, old Crackie’s back. She couldn’t keep it up forever. You can take the crackhead out of the country…
Twunty,
First, I hope you feel better! You are a saint to watch this shit. I “watch” it pretty much via you.
You have commented that they need to essentially put these horsies out to pasture after this season and you’re right. There is no one left to root for. They all suck. It’s baaad when the most sympathetic one is Gretchen.
Sorry to hear that you are sick & having to recap this bunch of crap.
What made me laugh most during this episode was when Alexis was describing the tasting of the goose liver experience and I could have sworn that she was describing what it is like giving Preacher Pawn his weekly blow job. She said something along the lines that you need to be mentality prepared for the texture being in your mouth. Oh it made me laugh and laugh. I watched the rerun just to hear her go through her diatribe again.
Just read page 1 and you are already killing me. Twunty you never disappoint.
“God forbid they should be any more traumatized.
Don’t laugh, Gasmii, don’t you dare! Don’t you realise how hard it is to explain to your friends why you didn’t get a Bentley for your birthday? Years of therapy, I tell you, if not decades.”
LMAO. Ok finishing the recap….
I’m embarrassed to say this, but I kind of agreed with Lynne on this one. I’d be livid if my husband lied to me about financial troubles. I wouldn’t leave him for it, but I’d have a pretty big beef with him.
That said, I’m sure my relationship is very different than Lynne’s! Thank goodness!
Twunty, I want to be you!!! How more can I compliment you than that?!
I am so beginning to hate Lynne. She’s an idiot who would have an agrument in any situation that doesn’t suit her. She just doesn’t accept responsibility. In San Fran she KNEW they have no money or money issues but she went and dropped a over a grand on a jacket. Not a deposit on an apartment…a jacket. If and when Frank confronts her she’ll have some lame ass agrument for that. No self-accountability.
That duck-faced Amazon w/low self esteem is getting on my nerves. Why did everyone give Gretchen so much shit for being w/Jeff but no one gives this chick any grief for being w/Jim. When people saw Gretchen w/Jeff I guess it was obvious to them she was a gold digger because he was so much older but it should also be obvious that Daisy Duck is using Jimbo – and he is her – since he’s an ugly slob and not in her league. He’s also 15 years older than her. Why doesn’t anyone throw that in her face? Or laugh at her when she mentions how in love they are?
This week’s episode is nauseating – the constant praying and breakfast with the “preacher” (who has a southern accent) is just too much. I’m sick of hearing about their religion all the time. Maybe duck lips should get her own show on the Christian Broadcasting Network.
OK, I happen to have a big crush on Hubert Keller and it really chaps my hide that these bimbos got to eat at Fleur De Lys. And I am further chapped that they got to go to San Francisco. What a waste.
Talk about casting pearls to swine! Next time I hope Andy sends them to a Chili’s in Detroit. Now THAT would be entertainment.
Love you Twunty, feel better.
Hey Twunty,
The views are actually of the Bay Bridge. The Golden Gate is the opposite direction, is one deck and is “Golden Gate Orange.”
Come visit us in SF sometime and feel better soon.
First – Thanks for such a great recap, especially since you are so sick!
People Like Us don’t use manuals
Brilliant!! And Vanity Fair would be lucky to have you!
Okay… Lynne may be a space-shot, but at least she had a PLAN!!! If Frank had only told her earlier she could have gotten money from “The LADY”.
I have nothing but sympathy for Frank, I agree he should have been more forthcoming, but look at what he’s dealing with – she’s childish and spoiled, and her kids emulate what they see in her. What a disgusting, pathetic woman – my husband and I have had some financial losses in the last few years and guess what… We didn’t have time to feel sorry for ourselves, we had to work twice as hard to keep what we have, and give up all sorts of luxuries we once took for granted – and I still appreciate every opportunity that comes my way. Life goes on, lots of people are in far worse situations – when Frank starts having health problems from carrying the weight of ALL of the stress, and he will – I hope he sees how truly damaging Lynne’s selfish and petty lifestyle demands are. When she bought that leather jacket, I swung 100% over to Team Frank. Anyone else catch how she tried to corner Tamra into picking up the tab? She doesn’t even have the grace to be embarrassed, what a scumbag.
I loathe Alex – she is revolting.
I loved your recap! I laughed out loud so many times! My husband kept looking at me like I was crazy!
I really enjoy reading your recaps each week! Thanks for making me laugh.
I think Racquel gave the camera the finger hoping that Bravo would then be unable or unwilling to use the footage. I feel bad for those girls! Both of their parents would rather stick their heads in the sand!
Great recaps, T
i know real worlders used to give the finger to the camera when they were trying to have personal phone calls etc but guess that no longer works. I used to think Slurry was a respectable housewife but now I am stuck agreeing with Vicki. She always slam the acrchetypical OC stepford wife by saying they need to be responsible and accountable when it comes to finances. What a dumb drunk slurry to have frank be the only person being held accountable for living outside of their means. She never said oh raquel and i shouldnt have got new faces and a nose or maybe i shouldnt buy this new leather jacked that was more than 1/10th of the deposit WHILE she was wearing a leather jacket that looked almost like the one she way buying. NO RESPECT for the slur.
Alexis and Jim are nothing but hippocrites.
When the ‘preacher’ was talkiing, her sounded like someone from a movie…i just cant place who or what.
I dont know where his accent is from, but I live in N.C, and we dont sound like that.
Every time I think RHOC achieves a new low…the next week is even lower. Crackies takes the “high road” by demanding an apology…wow…if that’s demanding an apology..what’s the low road.
Then Slurry…who has financial problems spends over $1100 for a coat. I am sure glad she is not my financial consultant.
Then her husband stays at a hotel who’s rates run $130 a night…of course, I saw the hotel’s name so any times I suspect he got a great rate..
There are now so many “advertisements” in RHOC I am starting to feel I am watching an hour advertisement.
Then you ad in everyone selling a product…it’s becoming one big commercial.
Read Crackie’s blog..she openly solicits business and even has a link to her business.
As to Gretchen’s cosmetic business…it’s doomed to fail…the name is all wrong…she would be more successful calling it “SKANK”..niche marketing is her only hope.
BTW…anyone can have their own cosmetic line in about 1 day..all you need is a name, logo and a $3k…there are a number of private label companies that offer you a full line…it’s like shopping form a catalog…or you can visit Broadway in the SOHO district…it’s called “makeup alley”…and there are so many companies there offering private label cosmetics you cannot believe it..
One last comment…the thought of anyone doing PawnPreacher makes me ill..
@wasabipeas: I thought that same thing when the women were eating at the restaurant that it was completely wasted on them. The only one that seems to enjoy finer food is Gretchen. I was just thinking that Alexis, Lynne and Tamra (to an extent) don’t even eat on a regular basis, so how are they going to enjoy eating at that restaurant. It made me so upset.
Also I figured out why Pawn Shop Jim just randomly shouts out how much something cost because every time he spends $500 Alexis owes him sex. So he is just letting her know how much she is going to owe him later. Or he just simply likes people to know how much he is spending because he is a tacky douche bag. Seriously- Alexis and Jim are just beyond douchy.
There really isn’t anyone left on the show that I can care about anymore except for maybe Frank and Lynne’s daughters. Vicki can not handle having all her bullshit handed back at her and it is just her karma coming back around on her.
I like Brianna a ton and I hope that she does not have cancer. I think that I would like to actually hang out with her in the real world.
Also Vicki was right about the phone calls. It much different to be taking personal call after personal call during dinner and taking work calls at lunch. Huge difference. Alexis could have talked to Jim after she got done with dinner.
These women are just awful and delusional. And it is sad to have to watch as all their lives crumble.
I didn’t mean have to watch, but it sad that they are letting their lives be filmed. I don’t get how they are not able to turn their fame into some sort of money making opportunity. Look at the Housewives of Atlanta they are milking their fame for all it is worth. It is time that these OC women started doing the same thing well except for Vicki because her and don WORK.
Last comment I swear. But I can’t remember when Vicki said it, but she told her daughter that her scare with cancer is just as hard on her as it is on Brianna because Vicki is the one that made Brianna’s thyroid gland and it belonged to Vicki first. So Twunty you are dead on in your observation that Vicki is making the illness all about her and what she has to go through.
I just found out that Jim is the new owner of the Invogue Hotel in Laguna Beach…he is advertising on Craig’s list..that’s probably why he is always looking on his computer screen…and no doubt checking out the women looking for men category.
And Alexis is now a health and beauty consulaant on a plastic surgery group’s web site.
Now everyone has a job or business venture on this show…
I hate these people except Gretchen and Vicki. Alexis does not work she has three nannies so she definately isnt taking care of her kids all day, so go Vicki for pointing this out although I wish she would have said it to her face. Dear Lynne you are so ugly you look like a female Steven Tyler. Who doesn’t know where there money is going? I hope her spoiled ass is left with nothing and her and her awful children have to live in a studio apartment and drive a used Geo Metro.
I thought the point of raising up the middle finger was to hide her unmade face!
Prodigal Cheez- I caught “The Lady” comment also. I would really like to know more about this…but I guess someone is paying the bills they decide to pay.
I cannot stand Duck Lips, if this show returns next season I hope she is “too busy” with all of her responsibilities to return.
Have to say it again. I like Vicki. I think people don’t like her because she has a masculine personality. You can’t just vent to her, because she will tell you how to fix it. She’s not doing it to be nosy or bossy, she’s like a man in that regards. That’s why I don’t vent to my husband, brother, or father. they all assume I’m asking them how to fix something and start telling me “you should…….” I have one female friend like this as well and she’s who I go to when I want to know how to fix something, but not when I just want someone to nod and grunt or say “uh oh” or “ah ha” once in a while. I get the guilt about Briana’s illness as well. My child is developmentally delayed and I spent a lot of time wondering if it was something I did or passed on. As for Lynne, I think she has been a wolf in sheep’s clothing the whole time. Playing dumb and nice and really being a self serving absorbed b%tch. I used to think her parenting skill sucked due to her hippy related laziness, but now I think having kids and having to raise them was such a downer and not fun that she didn’t give a crap. My husband and I went through a financial crisis when I was sick for two years. Someone from our state told us to get divorced so I could qualify for assistance. We didn’t even consider it and made it through together. What a moron!
Ah, but what about Alexis’ “prayer” at the table, in the middle of the crazy argument? It was so poignant and churchy…for a FIVE year old! She is so cliché when it comes to being a “Christian”. Parting the Red Sea? Are you kidding me? What idiot intertwines that into a prayer? I thought for a second that she had, perhaps, been spending too much time volunteering in the pre-school room during church. But then I remembered that she could NEVER be bothered by such minutia. Of course, her nannies are relegated to those vile obligations while she and Pawn Preacher sit in “service” and look pretty!
Did anyone notice that the expense coat Lynne bought looked exactly like the coat she was wearing?? What a dumbass!
I thought the comment lynne made about “the lady’ was referring to the landlord. I will defintly listen closer when I watch it again.
Skinny Girl Margarita sounds alot like Lime-Aide.
Hi chemgal
I’m with you on Vicki. I didn’t like her originally, but she’s grown on me. I think her kids are grounded and whatever else is going on she’s given them the opportunity to succeed. You can see that when she married Donn the kids remained her #1 priority.
Also, I appreciate her work ethic (if not her message). Lauri Waring was for sale, Jo was for sale, Kimberly Bryant was bought and paid for, as were most of these women. Jeanna, Tammy and Vicki are all self-sufficient and smart, and infinitely more interesting and relatable.
Alexis going after Vicki was appalling. The fact that she did it in front of Brianna, knowing the stress Vicki and Brianna are under, was just disturbing. She isn’t good TV, she isn’t controversial or interesting. She’s just an asshole.
Last in my diatribe – I keep hearing Lynne’s pouty voice. What a bitch – I think Frank is spinning plates in the air trying to give her what she wants. He said straight out – she doesn’t want to hear about the money problems. What kind of wife or mother has that luxury??? How does she even know what to spend on school clothes or groceries? Obviously, this isn’t their first time at the rodeo – why is she even on this show??
And yeah fatgirlsrule, the duplicate jacket thing left me scratching my head too… although her spending over $1000 on anything frivolous would have. She should stay away from leather in general, she’s sporting it all over face and body as it is.
Man, Jimbo must be loaded. Alexis looks ridiculous with her platypus lips, but she’s an attractive chick. She could find a sugar daddy pretty easily, and maybe even one that wasn’t a dick or insecure fat slob. When I see her feel guilty for eating an olive and avert her eyes when she’s around her wonderful man, I feel sorry for her. I still hate her pious ass, but I feel bad for her.
This is why I like Vicki. She’s over the top with her “I work damnit!” attitude, but you won’t catch her blowing some pig like Jimbo just so she can afford Botox or a pretty purse.
And I wanted to punch every one of those chicks right in their plastic faces when they were grilling Brianna about her mom’s conduct at some stupid fucking dinner party. Umm, this girl is going through a bout with cancer.. a bit tacky to whine about your stupid, vapid feelings to her, don’t you think?
This show is a lot more interested in making me angry than it is in entertaining me. Every one of these people is playing the exact part they were scripted to play: Driven Working Bitch; Self-Righteous Babylon Whore; Spoiled Teenage Cunt (I and II); Clueless Pothead Bitch, etc.
Bravo on the whole is really working the “Scream At Your Television” angle too hard in the past few years, dragging down what used to be good show like Project Runway (which I actually gave up watching this season). I don’t see the entertainment value in Bravo tyring to manipulate me into hating.
I’m too good at hating as it is.
Hi Dirty Sanchez
I can’t really feel sorry for Alexis because as big of a douchenozzle as Jimbo is, she is ten times worse. She attacks people, sticks her weirdly bumpy nose into other people’s business, and has no self-awareness whatsoever.
I really don’t think she’s hot either. She looks ridiculous. Her breasts might look alright in a bikini, but in actual clothing she looks deformed and disproportionate. Her upper lip is distended. She looks like some one who had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and the remedial surgery was the best they could do with limited natural material.
She cheated on her first husband after less than one year to be with Jimbo, that was a business transaction. He’s 47 years old, he probably didn’t even want kids – so I don’t feel bad about that either. Since she’s a cheating whore, he doesn’t trust her – notice he loosened up when he realized all the rest of the men are broke. He knows his merchandise is safe if no wealthier men are around.
BTW – I’ve seem Jimbo looking lustfully at Gretchen (who really is gorgeous). Compared to her Alexis looks like a stripper who married her best customer.
Prodigal Cheez – agreed…and I won’t even try saying it any better than you already did.
Just have to wonder if part of their deal is that duckie has to act like a brainless twit who is in awe of his greatness…or that is just something she does out of fear of being traded out for a new model? As for the kids they are just her insurance policy.
Awesome recap as always!!!
Scrappyscrapper — Spot on!! “Parting the Red Sea? Are you kidding me? What idiot intertwines that into a prayer?”
Do you think they handle snakes at that church??
Twunty, thank you, again, for another Fantabulous recap.
I don’t have the time to comment on all the comments but I agree with you all about everything. Yes, Yes.
Oh, Prodigal Cheez, you are mean. (See Post 29) I love it.
Just one more– I, TOO, was thinking about how Mother Mary Plumtree handled swallowing with Preacher Pawn if she couldn’t manage to swallow goose liver. Yeech, the very thought of Jimbo’s Jizz???!!!!(Vomiting in my mouth)
Okay this is really my last comment. I feel sorry for Frank. If he had a woman like me, he could have conquered the world!! He’s a guy who gives you everything but just needs some commando style financial strategy, like Crackie.
Feel Better Twunty.
Everybody knows that sex is for procreation, ONLY.
Sperm goes in the vagina, to make a baby, which makes God happy.
Sperm does NOT go in the mouth, just to make the Husband happy.
Geez, Louise. I thought everyone knew that.
Well, Andy Cohen doesn’t know that, but he’s a Sodomite, and that sumbitch will get his in the end.
Amen Prodigal, they’re all cunty and they’re all gold diggers. As a dad to a 1 year old girl, it just pains me a bit to see what these whores will do in order to maintain what they think is the ideal lifestyle – staying at home or working some bullshit business venture, shopping, and gossiping about others. They need to put out a handbook on how to keep your daughter from ending up on one of these shows. Or Rock of Love.
Back to snark – if Jim and Alexis are Godly, then I’m the Pope. I don’t mind her fucking a goat if it meant not having to work, or having 20 procedures done at the ripe old age of 32, but for Christ’s sake don’t act like you’re some holy roller. Alexis gets on her knees alot but it ain’t to pray.
Twunty even when sick you still kill it!!!!
Lynn oh Lynn what the f are you thinking? You looked like a complete FOOL. Even Tamra called you a fool. You hear you are being kicked out and you buy a $1100 jacket? You have two kids to think of and all you can think of is a stupid leather jacket that looks like something I could buy at Forever 21. The landlord must really hate them because who else called the camera crew to make sure they were there? They obviously weren’t prepared to film that day.
Vicki- such a hypocrite. Talking on the cell phone at dinner or lunch is rude period. If you have work calls excuse yourself from the table. You can’t have it both ways Vick. Plus Alexa said “Do you want to discuss this now?” Vicki said “bring it”. She should have said, no my daughter is here. If the girls had any class they would have still waited for a better time but Vicki didn’t stop it either. Last year when Gretchen was watching her boyfriend die of cancer, Vicki certainly didn’t lay off Gretchen. Nope she constantly had bitchy comments and jabs to make fun of her.
And last but not least Alexa. Her whole gig is disgusting. Her situation is just ick. I don’t even know what to say. She is the reason for the feminist movement.
Just scanned the comments. Thanks Baxter. I thought I was imagining the start of the conversation at the lunch table. Alexis isn’t even the one that brought up the phone. It was Vicki. and Vicki did say “bring it”. I don’t think that Vicki was expecting it to be brought so hard or that everyone else at the table would back Alexis. Vicki is smart and fairly articulate and in the past, she’s always been able to come out on top of arguments with these bitches, but in reality, she’s just like any other bully, can be overcome by a bigger bully who won’t back down.
To NotWithoutMyTV & Dirty Sanchez – seriously choking on my lunch…you guys rock.
baxter and user name~totally agree with you both! Vicki has to be the center of attention, the know-it-all bully. Crazy Alexa called her out and Crackie could not handle it. I love seeing Vickie getting what she has dished out season after season. She is falling apart at the seems, her eyes are getting wilder and her face is breaking out.
Also, why would you admit to USING your child?! She said she brought Brianna as a buffer, good lord woman, think of someone other than yourself.She is as a disgusting pig as she looks.
@prodigal cheese glad someone else is on the vicki train with me. As for her being mean to Jeana, Jeana really did start shit and then sit back and pretend to be peace maker. As for telling the world about the request for money, maybe vicki told people because Jeana was telling everyone their friendship ended and was trying to blame vicki, and vicki decided to stand up for herself. vicki saw how jeana handled money, why in the world would she loan her any? if Jeana couldn’t get a loan from a bank, she wasn’t likely going to be able to pay vicki back. I had a friend one time who caused a major issue between an acquaintance and I. If I had told the acquaintance the truth, it would have settled everything, but would have exposed my friend as a liar. So I didn’t say anything. Now the acquaintance has told others how horrible I am, and the friend I protected ran to the hills when I got sick, never to be heard from again. So I understand why Vicki told the truth about her and Jeana’s friendship ending. Jeana’s a b#tch for expecting Vicki to lend her money and then getting mad when she didn’t do it. Plus, vicki says stuff right to people’s faces. they are all like “you should have said it to me” during reunion shows — that’s what vicki does, yet then they don’t like it. she’s more adroit at explaining her comments and reasoning during the 1 on 1 interviews, so I think she may mess up the message due to emotions when they are all together, but at least she’s mostly honest with them. Gretchen and Tamara are the biggest back stabbers during 1 on 1 interviews. Vicki was honest with Gretchen about her relationship with Jeff, and this year with slade and her business venture. Vicki’s biggest crime is not realizing none of those chicks are ever going to change so its useless trying.
I totally agree with you Baxter, Username & Whoochile! All of the women were upset with Vicki about her comments but she loathes Alexis so much, she could not hear anybody but Alexis. Tamara was right there chiming in, and yet Vicki was yelling at Alexis about pulling HER friend into it. Sure she is honest and forthright, then own it. None of the women were making stuff up, they were just telling V what she said and that it offended them. Get over yourself. But I LOVED Brianna’s comments, she was right on.