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It’s finally here, the last full episode of the Orange County housewives. I’ve got my aerodynamic comfort foods and my dirty martini (shouts out to njgasmfan) and I’m ready to go.
If my martini isn’t strong enough to get me through this, I’m counting on one of you to cough up some pain killers to send my way. (Fatgirlsrule I’m talking to you).
Just in case we are all about to expire from the deadly suspense of waiting to finding out what earthly mortal could possibly have been attached to the cheesy cowboy boot, our editors don’t waste any time in revealing the dude behind the boot. Way to fake your viewers out, Bravo. While he seems like a perfectly nice guy, Jeana’s date is no mystery man d-lister. He’s your basic sweet middle-aged straight dude desperately in need of Carson Kressly.
Jeana’s date is clutching a fist full of flowers and he’s just an eager beaver to please her every which way. Jeana tells us that she’s taken alot of grief from her friends because Alan looks so much different from the other men she’s been with. But Jeana’s above listening to the peanut gallery and she’s learned that looks aren’t everything. After all, her relationship with Matt was 99% physical attraction. Seriously? Let’s take a moment to review. Here’s your ex-husband Matt:
In honor of Jeana’s birthday, Alan is taking her to St. Regis for dinner and boyfriend is pulling out all the gentleman stops. It’s kind of sad but he might have gotten farther if he had insulted Jeana once or twice before they got to the restaurant, just to make her feel comfortable. As it is, she’s freaking out and blurting out some proven date killer lines. Fishing for compliments about her dress isn’t a great start but it’s not a total disaster. Telling her date that he needs to relocate to California to be closer to her is either an unfortunate case of verbal flatulance or a devilish strategy to weed out all but the weakest men.
To give Alan some credit, he neither excuses himself to the men’s room before slipping out through the kitchen, nor immediately starts making plans to relocate. Instead he laughs and changes the subject by asking Jeana what she’s looking for in a man. Jeana stares blankly at him because it would take way too long to repeat all of the items on her wish list. After a moment she sums up her thoughts by saying firmly “basically not Matt.” But girlfriend’s not quite ready for her ex’s total opposite either. Alan’s good manners are just freaking her out. She explains that, when you’re not used to it, it’s just too weird to have someone open your car doors, and if it’s cold out Alan better not try any of that gentleman shit, because she’ll be damned if she’s going to stand outside freezing her tuchus off while she waits for grandpa to shuffle his way around to her side of the car. So she’ll just open her own damn door thank you very much. Maybe he could just agree to have the car in park when she gets in instead of making her chase it down the block, like Matt used to do.
Poor Alan. I’m betting their relationship doesn’t make it to the reunion episode. On the other hand, Alan might be just perfect for Gretchen. After all, physcial attraction is way low on her hit list, and after watching this season Alan could be sure that she would be there for him in sickness and in health. Whoops. Not according to the housewive’s blogs. From the dirt that Tamra, Gretchen and Bethenny are dishing, Gretchen already has a new boyfriend. In fact, she might have had one all the way through the filming of the show. You know, if that’s true, I just think that that’s the best idea ever. It’s certainly the most original idea I’ve heard in a long time. It takes a certain pathalogical je ne sais quoi to pretend to be a dying man’s girlfriend in order to get cast on a reality show.
Anyhoo on to awesome Breana. She’s marching down the hallway in search of her mother to reveal the biggest decision that she’s ever made. You go girl, but brace yourself, cus Vicki doesn’t like it when people make decisions on their own. That would be like total anarchy. Breana tells us that she doesn’t know how her mom’s going to react; probably not “good”. Yikes. So where has Breana been, and what is she going to do? She’s been at an army recruitment program and she’s going to join the army. Wow, I so wish they’d give this girl her own reality show. Crack ho could even do occasional call ins. Not surprisingly, Vicki’s not on board with this plan. What’s more all those times that she refused to discuss the subject in the past should have clued her daughter in to her disapproval. And that time Vicki refused to meet with Breana’s recruiter, that wasn’t just because she was taking some time to attend to her inner addict by visiting a therapeutic flop house, that was because she didn’t approve. And just what the hell was Breana thinking when she went to the meeting without her loving pill-popping maternal nightmare? Oy! Where did Vicki go wrong? Because now Breana’s sitting across from her not feeling the least bit guilty. Instead she’s resentfully telling her mother that she was the only potential recruit at the meeting without a parent. Slam!! I’m pretty sure that Vicki’s eyes are either going to burn a hole right through her or they’re going to pop out and bounce off the desk. Breana tells her mother that she can’t even talk to her when she’s trying to fire lasers from her eyes. Frustrated that her evil glare isn’t accomplishing anything beyond providing a source of amusement for the camera crew, Cracky denies trying to blast her daugher and does a totally deluded 360 claiming that she’s just doing “the whole mother daughter support thing.” LOL
If scary eyes don’t succeed then try manipulating your daughter with scary images. and emotionally painful subjects. Vicki warns Breana that life as a nurse in the army isn’t going to be all fun and games, it’s going to be serious life stuff. Not like that fluffy cotton candy stuff Breana deals with in the emergency room and trauma unit. Okay, Cracky’s scary images aren’t working. Time to haul out some painful memories like Breana’s relationship with her first love, Colby. Vicki points out that the concept of Breana joining the army wasn’t ever really a topic of convo because she was going to marry Colby. You know like they planned. Breana’s all like “forget Colby, he dumped me out of nowhere”. Oh crap, I really hope that wasn’t the reason for Breana’s desperate crying phone call to mommy during her kind-of-Vegas vacay because, if it was, Cracky’s response was kind of a miss for the “the whole mother daughter support thing.”
It turns out that Breana’s high school boyfriend, love of her life, Colby, gave her the old heave ho with all the drama and pathose of an original episode of 90210. After driving Breana out to the annual Dave Matthews concert, Colby pulled her bag out of the car trunk, then put it down, looked at her, and blurted out “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t love you.” Of all the places to be dumped I think a busy parking lot, outside of a Dave Matthews concert, far away from home would rank pretty low on my list. At least he didn’t jump back in his car and drive off leaving her there. Instead he retained a slight sense of decency and put her and her bag back in the car to drive them both back to Orange County. That must have been a fun ride. Once in Orange County, Colby gave her a shifty eyed hug, patted her on her head, and drove off into the sunset. Breana hasn’t talked to him since. What a friggin nightmare. I so wish that basic breakup etiquette was a reqired part of any high school curriculum. So few people are able to manage it any decent fashion.
Sorry, I haven’t let that go yet. Not one to shy away from using emotional tragedy to manipulate her daughter, Cracky points out that she doesn’t want Breana running off to join the army because of a broken heart. Okay. This is a reasonable point, but if Vicki was really concerned that the breakup was prompting Breana to make some rash decisions, she might have mentioned it earlier, like when Breana initially mentioned the whole army gig.
It’s pretty awesome when Breana tells her nightmare, pillpopping, crack ho mommy that, because she’s an adult Breana needs to make decisions for herself and she doesn’t need to say mommy may I.
Standing up to Cracky while the cameras are filming is the best strategy ever, because if her mom had one of those unpredictable high as a kite addict moments and pulled a small firearm out of her desk to shoot her daughter it would all be caught on film. And you know that Cracky doesn’t want to be arrested because they might force her to go to rehab. With all those thoughts rushing through Cracky’s head all she can do is continue glare at her daughter and foam at the mouth before eventually relenting.
Over at Lynne’s abode the daughters are having a oddly strained interaction. Alexa wants her sister to give her a ride to sometimes boyfriend Randy’s house. But there’s a hitch. Sister Raquel wants gas money, which is fine, but she wants it right now because she’s got bills of her own to pay. What bills could a young woman who lives at home and is fully supported possibly have? Well liquor, cigarettes, and drugs aren’t cheap nowadays, so if little sis wants a ride she better cough up that cash up front. Besides, everybody’s always after Raquel to get a job and what could be a better job than that of an underage drunk taxi driver. Sadly, Alexa doesn’t have cash on hand, but happily she’s got something better; she’s got one of those fancy schmancy stepford mothers that spew money from there mouths like a sexpot ATM machine.
With that weird and somewhat pointless segment over, Raquel makes her way into the kitchen so her mom can make her half an English muffin with a teensy weensy tiny bit of peanut butter on it. Just once, I would so love to see Lynne serve up French toast, bacon and eggs.
Lynne takes the opportunity to try and talk to her demon spawn daughter about actually doing something with herself. You know, school, a job, hooking down at the corner…There’s got to be something that this little darling is suited for. Demon spawn is all indignant that her mother doesn’t appreciate how she’s moving heaven and hell to find herself a job by filling out two applications a day, on-line. Sadly, none of the NYC model agencies have called her back. And, while she’s holding out hope for that investment banking position in London, she hasn’t heard anything from them either. Lynne reasonably points out that she needs to apply in person. And, under normal circumstances I would agree that applying for a job in person is definitely the way to go.
Seeing that her her high-pitched defensive whining isn’t working out too well, Raquel switches tactics and goes on the offensive. Still using the high-pitched whine demon spawn delivers a litany of the abuse she suffers at her mother’s hands, “All you talk to me about is the job, or don’t drink and drive. You never talk to me about anything important.” Then she pauses for a moment and she peeks out the window to see if the patrol car is still sitting in the driveway staking out the house. Lynne makes use of some pretty impressive counter psychology aimed at boosting her daughters failing self-esteem. In a concerned tone she tells Raquel that she can’t be feeling good about herself when all of her friends are off doing something and Raquel is skulking around the house trying raise gas money from her little sister and ducking the police car outside. But Raquel’s got standards. She’s not going to take a job that pays a measily $8.75 an hour, when she’s got a high school diploma and a resume. Hell, even the hos on the corners are making more than that. Lynne agrees, but points out that those hos aren’t called working girls for nothing, and maybe Raquel would consider something easier like Beauty School.
Raquel isn’t going to accept a drab future of giving facials and washing people’s hair without a little more complaining. “You treat me like I don’t know anything.” Waaaahhh. Personally, I have to agree that Lynne’s a little at fault here. Clearly, any teenager who uses her time on a Reality TV show to showcase her illegal activities is just brimming with worldly knowledge. But it doesn’t really matter, Raquel’s going to walk off in an indignant sulk, forgetting all about that English muffin with the teensy tiny dab of peanut butter on top.
And here it is Gasmi; the end of the season bash a la Cracky’s annual summer party. This year she’s holding it at Laguna beach instead of at her house, which I really appreciate.
Oh look, Jeana’s here with Alan, and he’s looking pretty spiffy.
Jeana is looking awesome from the front and has her deluxe built for comfort ta-tas on full display. Unfortunately, girlfriend forgot to check the rear view before she left the house.
The blond terminator, Gretchen, is present in all of her sexy glory. Unfortunately, Jeff couldn’t be with her because the idiot doctors wouldn’t let him out of the hospital.
Douchebag Ryan is on hand, like the skanky stalker he is, to offer Gretchen his loving support and shots of tequila. Gretchen’s learned her lesson about getting hammered on TV so she moves on to compliment Tamra’s mom on her new face. I have to say that Tamra’s mom is pretty cute when she’s talking about her facelift. I really hope it gives her a lot of happiness.
Cracky is wandering around muttering to herself and making herself useful by dispensing helpful tips to her guests, like warning Jeana to be careful that one of her nipples doesn’t jump out of her dress and join the party. But Jeana’s not worried because she’s got the confidence of a woman who’s mistress of her own well trained breasts.
Oh golly gee, there’s Slade Smiley. Woohoo. Finally a real mentor for Ryan. But before we can really explore that nauseau inducing concept, Simon calls Tamra over to one of the cabanas for a private moment with her family and a full camera crew. I just love unstaged moments. Simon hands his wife a really pretty idiot proof box, and after a moments struggle she’s manages to pry it open and pull out a 10 carat diamond tennis bracelet. I’m impressed at how natural it seems when Simon and Tamra launch into a short sales shpiel about the bracelet and the retailer who just happens to be Tamra’s favorite jewelry store. Or maybe I’ve just gotten so used to the housewives using the show to advertise in exchange for goods that I expect everybody to deliver a product history complete with a description and price when they give presents.
Tammy Knickerbocker and her two daughters show up and I have a short nostalgic moment when I’m overwhelmed with longing for the good ole housewife days. You know, back when Cracky was relatively content with her marriage and not on the prowl like she is now.
Sneaking a quick toke off her pipe Cracky moves on prowling for other available boy toys, because she’s not going to wait around for Donn to come up with the goods. Cracky’s going to go out and get whatever she wants for herself like that new Rolex that she’s flashing around in everybody’s face.
Laurie Waring-Peterson makes an appearance and she’s looking pretty good in a frozen plastic kind of way. She must have found a new plastic surgeon. Tamra is overjoyed to see her and rushes up to show off her new bracelet, because both she and Laurie have very generous husbands. Not that Simon can afford to give Tamra the same amount of toys that George gives Laurie. It’s hard to keep up with the Jones when your peddling tequila. Tamra admits that couldn’t go “toe-to-toe in the bling department” with Laurie, but that’s okay with Tamra as long as she has her beat in the boob department.
Gretchen takes a moment to call all the housewives around her and give them little presents of Coach coin pursues to commemorate their season together. Of course, Tamra and Vicki are constitutionally incapable of accepting Gretchen’s gesture with grace and dignity. Cracky’s entered that amped up state of mind where everything confuses her including Gretchen’s gift. Nobody sent Cracky a memo about bringing gifts, and if she didn’t bring gifts then who the hell is Gretchen to give her a gift?
Tamra is doubting whether Gretchen’s motives are genuine because Tamra’s a God fearing woman and she knows the anti-Christ when she sees her. And, after 13 long weeks of filming with the anti-Christ, Tamra’s hell bent and determined to show Gretchen for what she is.
But before Gretchen and Vicki can make their disapproval known to Gretchen, the camera crew pushes them aside in their rush to
exploit film another dramatic Jeff/Gretchen moment. Gretchen’s dad calls her up to the balcony and, Voila! A non-pink, big ass, Harley Davidson motorcycle is waiting for her. I hope this bike bounces because when she dumps it there’s no way in hell she’s picking it up by herself.
But wait!! There’s more. Gretchen’s dad reads a letter from Jeff expressing his sorrow at not being able to attend the season finale, but imploring Gretchen to know that he’s right beside her in spirit. I’m sorry but this was one week before Jeff passed away. It seems to me that Gretchen should have been right beside him in person in the hospital. But that fine point eludes Gretchen who is just beyond surprised. telling us that this is one of the better days of her life. Excuse me but I just choked on my martini. Truly fucking appalling!!! I seriously hope that the best day of my life isn’t the week before my husband passes away. Especially if, God forbid, he’s been fatally ill for months beforehand. But that’s just me. I must have an excess of sensibility over these little issues of life and death.
Never one to fritter away her time in the spotlight, Gretchen calls down for the other “non-housewives” to come and marvel at her glorious present. Tamra and Vicki aren’t too happy at being invited to applaud Gretchen’s bike. There’s no way that a Rolex scrounged up by Cracky for herself and a measily tennis bracelet delivered in part as an advertisement can stand up to a surprise Harley Davidson and a love letter from a dying fiance. Vicki flat out refuses to go see the bike, because it’s all just a set up for attention; behavior that her highness could never ever condone.
Tamra’s got a more personal gripe. Not only did the blond terminator make her bling look bland, she’s also claiming that what she really wanted was a pink motorcycle when we all know that Tamra was the first housewife to make that particular tacky wish. Not only is Gretchen stealing Tamra’s thunder, she got to be stalking her as well. But none of that matters, because Tamra’s finally been pushed too far by this blond attention seeking ho, and she’s going to spill the dirt. Taking a deep breath Tamra squares her shoulders and explains that alot of Gretchen’s stories don’t “jive”. She doesn’t really believe Gretchen’s dating Jeff, but is really more along the lines of a paid companion/nurse. Did anybody say hooker?
At this point I have no idea, what is or is not true. For what it’s worth the scuttlebutt says that in reality (no pun intended) Gretchen’s actually been “dating” a “gentleman” named Joe Photoglou throughout the entire time of filming the show. According to Photoglou he has since ended things with Gretchen and she is now dating Slade Smiley. Like I said, I have no idea if this is true, but I do know that contemplating these scenarios has cost me almost an entire bottle of Tums. Sigh.
Anyhoo the link to “Photoglou’s myspace page”
And the link to Photoglou’s “comments” in the Orange County register.
Either way they’re all batshit crazy. Vicki is twitching and kvetching about who’d want a pink Harley at their age. Cracky might be being a little over generous when she lumps her’s and Gretchen’s ages together, but whatev. The camera men are already panning away from Vicki to focus in on Tamra frantically fixing her makeup in the background. I guess they’re finally at the point where someone applying makeup is infinitely more interesting that Vicki’s bitching.
We have a brief snip of demon spawn Raquel telling us that she feels like she’s being avoided by everyone at the party so she’s stuffing her face. Well at least she’s not downing cocktails so that’s a big improvement.
Kimberly makes her appearance and girlfriend is looking fine. Shorter, darker hair, muted makeup and her skins not orange. Chicago obviously agrees with Kimberly. Then, as if to balance out Kimberly’s new found sophistication Jo de la Rosa appears looking like she stole a Cleopatra wig from the nearest mall.
That bastion of gentility and charm, Slade Smiley, is following Jo around. But he’s sporting a slightly more casual look. Working hard to make sure that the show manages to offend all demographics equally before the season ends, Tamra tells us that she thinks Slade looked like a homo.
Now that Laurie’s all happily married and pretending to be Florence Henderson with her very own version of the Brady bunch, Josh’s ongoing battle with addiction is the only thing that might garner Laurie some camera time. Kimberly kindly takes a moment to ask about Josh, heroin, and life in prison. Taking a moment to make sure that the cameras are running and she’s being filmed on her best side, Laurie tells Kimberly that when it comes to Josh she just keeps a smile on her face because if she doesn’t she’s on the verge of tears.
Jeana sits down next to Slade and asks about his condo/house. I’m confused. Is she asking about the one in Coto that went into foreclosure, or the house rented by MTV for “Date My Ex”? Apparently Slade’s confused too because he answers that he and “Katy” started dating. Nothing like sticking to your talking points even if they make no sense. With that sure sign that at least some members of the OC franchise have jumped the shark, crashed, and burned, we go to the final housewife words of the season.
Lynne finally took Raquel’s car away for three weeks. Raquel finally got a job and got her car back. Vicki and Donn are in relationship limbo, but Vicki’s happy because she got a second Rolex. Tamra has learned that even if everything on the outside is looking great and pretty, you really have to have every unresoved issue resolved. She’s now spending their remaining few cents on psychoanalysis. This was the worst year of Gretchen’s life, and, now that Jeff’s passed away, she’s only going to date men no more than fifteen years older than herself. Jeana is just friends with Alan, and wants everybody to know that Gretchen and Jeff’s relationship was a wonderful, beautiful thing.
So that’s it, Gasmii. Next week should be a knock down dragout between the blondettes. And I couldn’t help but notice it looks like both Tamra and Gretchen are wearing some pretty fake hair for the occasion. Who knows we might get some real hair yanking bitch slapping going on. You know good ole Andy Cohen is just going to be beside himself.
Love you guys. You’ve been the best readers. EVER!!! I’m furiously working away on the NYC Hausenfrau and should have their recap up for you tomorrow.
****To check out Chapter 8 of Yenta’s book, The Traveling Prayer, click here!