Real Housewives of New Jersey: A Correre E Cagare Ci Si Immerda I Garretti! (the literal translation is best)

Dear Gasmi,

This is it! Part two of the joyous reunion between the New Joisey housewives. It’s also the longest infommercial evah for a book!

I think it’s safe to say the Kevin Maher is doing something nice for Miss Thang…

Well we’re back to another hour of psychotic hos acting badly. Everybody appropriately tipsy? Because, seriously, this reunion is going to be a tad bit rough to watch. Miss Thang starts us off by asking about the most disturbing facet of this trainwreck; the children’s reaction to the show. Nina Van Ho says happily, and probably delusionally, that her daughters are totally happy with the season, with the exception of maybe one negative event. I’m pretty sure that Nina is playing a little fast and loose with events that qualify as negative. Or maybe the way to really ensure your daughter’s high school happiness is to go on TV and clean out an entire closet worth of skeletons as publicly and dramatically as possible.

It’s amazing how many boys are calling the house. Really cute ones too!

Unfortunately, the Diva’s daughter, Lexi, was a little “mortified” by the show. Not because of her relatives’ behavior, but because she was going through an “awkward” stage at the time. I guess “awkward” is relative. In my mind, the entire season was an “awkward stage”, but here’s to hoping that she’s learned how to make a bed and no longer needs a nanny. Jacqueline says that Ashley is so incredibly easy going she’s fine with anything. If by easy going Jacqueline means a tendency to sulk, snarl, and snap, I can totally believe that. I’m absolutely sure that Ashley sulked, snarled and snapped when she saw her mother’s production of the Let’s Humiliate Ashley Show, and I don’t blamer her a bit. Jacqueline continues blithely that kids at Ashley’s age don’t care how they’re portrayed on TV, as long as they’re on TV. Honestly, this description seems so at odds with the image Jacqueline worked so hard to produce of Ashley “the troubled teenager”, that I can’t help wondering if Ashley has hired a lawyer.”

She’s the perfect child. We really, really love her.

Miss Thang has a question from the Bravo Mobil Fan Club. Everybody catch that little piece of advertising? The question being if the Diva really did spend a million dollars on her wedding to MIA Tommy? The Diva tries for a blush, misses, and says “No. (pause) It wasn’t cheap.”

Actually, she’s right on both counts. She didn’t spend a million dollars; she spent more. And it wasn’t cheap.

After all the helpful comments posted about the Diva’s reality TV debut on My Big Fat Wedding, I decided that I had to watch it for myself. If you haven’t watched it already, I totally recommend it. The episode gives a whole new take on the Manzo family and an uncomfortable amount of credence to the rumors that Tommy and Dina are actually separated.

I’m guessing that Miss Thang saw the episode as well, because he’s pretty quick to ask the Laurita/Manzo sisters how they ended up marrying brothers. Mama relays a sweet fairy tale of Tommy chasing her newly divorced and bereft younger sister that has very little to do with the five year troubled relationship described by the Diva and Tommy before their wedding. In front of Miss Thang the Diva is almost blushing as she explains how weird it was to marry Tommy because she had known him since she was nine. After watching MBFW, I’m thinking that it was weird that she married Tommy after dating him for five years, while he cheated on her.

I bet he’s Christopher’s best customer at the family strip club.

Miss Thang tactfully mentions the perception that the Diva might possibly be a little bit of a bitch.

Careful Andy, Mama’s watching you.

Being a smart man, Miss Thang narrowly avoids sending Mama off into a venom spewing tirade by asking the Diva if she considers herself to be a bitch. Absolutely not, the Diva laughs. People just don’t understand how stressful her life is. In case the Diva’s happy, and possibly tranqued, smile is blurring the memory of some of her finer moments, the producers launch a flashback of condensed bitchiness.

Damn! Somebody needs to give that woman some midol stat.

Miss Thang points out that the Diva’s storyline this season was about her personal battle to choose between work or becoming a stay at home mom. I for one really appreciate his clarifying that. Up to now, I’ve been under the mistaken assumption that the Diva’s storyline had more to do with a build up for the ultimate female mud-wrestling match between her Nina Van Ho. Apparently, the Diva’s “real” storyline was a little unclear to Miss Thang as well because he mentions that he’s still not sure what the Diva’s actual career is/was. LOL. Way to focus on the important aspects of the housewives’ lives. For those of you that are also unclear about how the Diva spends her days, she explains that she plans weddings and other large events at the Brownstone. Or, at least, she did, which I’m sure is a total relief to the people forced to work under or near her.

While we’re discussing the different aspects of the Diva’s life, why not mention her fug, naked, french fry smelling cat. And, really, I could have done without this last little detail. The Diva happily explains that since her grandmother had big blue eyes, smoked and tanned too much, and, therefore, resembled the cat to an unfortunate extent, they named the poor thing, Grandma Wrinkles. I’m not sure which is more disturbing, the family resemblance to a naked cat, or the Diva’s obvious attempts to flirt with Miss Thang.

Did I mention that I’m getting my bubbies reduced?

Miss Thang is inspired to read off a quote from Jill Zarin’s blog describing her reaction to the Diva’s totally awkward interview with a potential assistant. JZ describes the interview as both “uncomfortable” and “erotic”. We get a flashback of the interview showing the Diva offering to pay the young man by other means than cash and describing the job responsibilities as ultimately consisting of making her happy. Pshaw!! The Laurita/Manzo women as a whole are quick to dismiss the idea that there is anything erotic about the interview. After all, the Diva has known the kid since he was nine, and the fact that she thinks of him as a younger brother really make the whole thing that much creepier better. But, outside of whether or not the Diva was pulling a Mrs. Robinson, why the hell was she passing him off as a prospective employee and not a family friend? Is anything legit about this trainwreck? Low-Magnon helpfully asks “Isn’t he gay?” Because that would totally make the Diva’s behavior completely legit, and besides Low-Magnon and her husband could really use some more instances of their sensitivity to the gay culture. You know, like outing a young man on national television.

Having suffered through several hours of the Diva batting her heavily painted lashes in his direction, Miss Thang wryly suggests that possibly, just possibly, the Diva was trying to “turn” the young man from gay to straight. The Diva ratchets up her output of predatory pheromones and warns Miss Thang that she’s “done it before.” Fundamentalist groups across the country are probably rushing to their phones in an effort to track down the Diva and introduce her to their wayward sons. Miss Thang looks momentarily interested and drawls out “Really?!?” because you know he’s done his own share of “turning”, and maybe they could compare notes.

I’d be happy to meet your husband.

Moving on to another deluded housewife, and, really, with this crowd there isn’t any other option, Miss Thang turns toward Nina Van Ho. Ooooh, this is a good one. What about those internet rumors of an affair between her and Don Johnson? Nina blushes, ducks her head, and says with every sign of a pathological liar embarrassment, that, yes, she and Don Johnson had an affair.

Unless Don Johnson actually tattooed his autograph on Nina’s chucky, Mama ain’t buying this story.

Miss Thang points out that Don Johnson released a statement that doesn’t seem to corroborate Nina’s story. Wow! That was fast. In under a minute the Nina and Don Johnson romance went from an affair to sex to kissing. Another minute and they might have gone to passing each other on the highway.

Miss Thang’s not particularly interested in the whole ‘kiss a celebrity and tell’ angle. It’s been done way too many times and Miss Thang could tell a few stories of his own. Leaving Don Johnson behind, Miss Thang comments that Nina has been the centerpiece of a lot of drama during the season, which is a nice way of saying that the producers are going to show a flashback that should make her really uncomfortable, but probably won’t because she’s a certifiable nutcase.

When are you going to show me flipping the table again?

Miss Thang asks if Nina Van Ho has any regrets, which of course she doesn’t, because sociopathic personalities don’t have regrets. But just to look a little remorseful, because the viewers seem to like remorse, she does admit that she might have gone a little overboard with discussing the whole phone sex thing so explicitly. Miss Thang asks how Nina explained the phone sex episode to her daughters. But, hey, no problem there. Despite Nina’s grand plan for exposing her daughter’s to every situation, she somehow omitted to tell them about phone sex, and they have no idea what it is. Even the fifteen year old. Well, maybe not the fifteen year old, but that’s okay because if Nina’s daughters are going to have any sex at all, she really hopes it’s phone sex. Seriously, what could be a safer way to have sex, other than cyber-sex. Yup, that’s exactly what I want my kid to be doing; trolling chatrooms to find people willing to run up my phone bill for a Ma Bell chaperoned hookup.

So DHS knows about you, right?

Leaving the question of phone sex behind somewhere alongside the “affair” with Don Johnson, Miss Thang moves on to the topic of blowjobs. Specifically, what did Nina think about Low-Magnon saying that Shvitzy Steve was only with Nina for his daily blowjobs. Nina shrugs indifferently and says dismissively that that was Low-Magnon’s uninformed opinion. After all Nina has proof that Shvitzing Steve really had feelings for her, because nothing says true love for an ex like trying to hawk a sex tape after a relationship ends. Low-Magnon is trying hard not to look like a catty beyotch when she diplomatically explains that Shvitzy Steve was telling Nina one thing and telling Low-Magnon something different. But Low-Magnon would never ever have said that about blowjobs, if Nina hadn’t pushed her buttons and made her mad. Nina listens to Low-Magnon’s babbling, and then superbly offers the coup d’etat in defensive arguments. Clearly Shvitzy Steve wanted more than just blowjobs from her because “he didn’t stop by every day.”*Head slap*. Did this woman find a few dozen oxycodone in her bra and pop them when no one was looking? And, while we’re on the subject of more than normally bizarre behavior, why is she looking increasingly dishevelled.

Can you make her stop moaning?

Miss Thang decides to bring up Low-Magnon’s friendship with Nina from the beginning of the season and it’s eventual deterioration. Low-Magnon is sounding a little defensive when she explains that Nina was fun at first but then she caused all this drama. If there’s one thing that Low-Magnon doesn’t like it’s drama.

Let’s review.

It turns out that Nina Van Ho, victim extraordinaire, was shocked, simply shocked, at the mean nasty things the other women were saying about her on the show. Actually, I have some sympathy with her level of surprise. After all, the Mean Girls did manage to take the art of character assassination to a whole new level. But the thing that surprises me the most is Nina’s anger at Jacqueline. Apparently, in Nina’s reality, Jacqueline was saying mean things about Nina chasing after other women’s husbands, while in my universe it was pretty clear that Jacqueline was trying to dispel those rumors. Nina starts bawling, while Jacqueline looks on with an expression of complete boredom.

Botoxed beyond the point of return

I’m guessing that Jacqueline just wants to get this reunion over with so she can get on with the business of squeezing the next generation of this delightful clan out into the world. But, with that much botox, it’s doubtful that anyone will ever know what she’s really thinking. Miss Thang asks where Nina and Jacqueline’s friendship is now, and the woman stare at each other with completely blank faces. Thank God, they aren’t deaf. Neither one of them has enough movement to make lip reading possible. Nina is upset over the delusions she calls reality. Jacqueline isn’t privy to those particular delusions, so she doesn’t know quite what to say about them. On the other hand it would be a shame to underestimate Nina’s overriding desperation for acceptance, and sure enough she tearfully denies that the friendship is over.

True ecstasy.

Having covered the riveting subjects of Low-Magnon’s and Jacqueline’s dead and/or dying friendships with Nina, Miss Thang is free to move on to more fruitful ground. Chiefly, the history of the Diva and Nina. Of course a flashback is in order. Once again, we get to see the Diva being a cold nasty bitch, while Nina maintains a consistent state of pathological delusion. Seriously, deciding what kind of mental illness best describes Nina is like a new party game. Every scene seems to offer a new and exciting pathological behavior. The flashback ends with Nina threatening that if she hears any more rumored nastiness from the Diva she’ll be showing up at her door and she won’t be alone. Now that’s the kind of statement that is bound to bring tears of joy to a prosecutor’s weary eyes. Miss Thang asks Nina what she means, but if he’s hoping for a more detailed description of what she’s planning, he’s doomed to be disappointed. Nina simply shrugs and says that she was very angry, which of course makes the whole thing entirely understandable.

It’s just too bad that the other women are so restrained and level-headed because the contrast is bound to make her look bad.

To give her credit, Nina is the only housewife to say that she learned a lot from watching herself and she didn’t like the way she looked or sounded, so she’s grown from the experience. And by “growth” she doesn’t just mean getting nifty hair extensions and hiring a vocal coach to help eradicate that pesky Joisey/Brooklyn accent.

She’s reached a higher plane of consciousness, that has absolutely nothing to do with recreational or prescription drugs.

For her part, the Diva is just fine with the way she appeared during the show. She might have been bitchy, catty and xenophobic, but her hair looked great. And, besides, the reunion is finally giving her a chance to get their roles straight: the Diva is the heroine and Nina is the root of all evil. To clarify this important point, the Diva explains that she was hearing things that Nina was saying about her, and since Nina is a toxic personality that thrives on drama the Diva didn’t want anything to do with her. But, most importantly, the Diva never, ever harbored any ill intentions toward Nina. All those nasty little remarks that were caught on camera were really just a trick of editing.

It was me! All me! I said everything!

Miss Thang reads an excerpt from Mama’s blog saying that she found “it troubling to watch Jacqueline’s and Danielle’s friendship unfold on the screen.” But, rather than addressing the Nina/Mama hate, Miss Thang goes for the larger picture of Mama’s all-consuming paranoia by asking if she ever lets outsiders into her circle. Mama answers a little indignantly that of course they do, as soon as the outsider submits to a full background check, strip search, and urine test. Miss Thang must have been asked to pee in a cup before joining the Mean Girls for coffee and desert because he utters a somewhat skeptical “yeah” in the background and Mama is not amused. She snaps at him to “stop it” because, if Miss Thang had just given them a little tinkle, they would totally have shared their cannolis with him.

Referring to Nina, Miss Thang wants to know what it is about “this stray” that absolutely caught their antennas. At least, that’s what I think he said. I replayed it a couple of times, but it’s hard to believe that Nina sat there so calmly when being called a “stray”, unless she’s riding down the oxycodone highway. The Diva says that all the drama was the initial turnoff to Nina. I’ve got to say that, after watching MBFW, I’m having a hard time believing this. So, when Jacqueline says “No” I tend to believe her. Of course, the Diva looks like her baby blues are about to jump out of her perfectly coifed head. But Jacqueline ignores this because she’s got bigger and badder things threatening to pop than a pair of eyes. She thinks that Mama and the Diva took a dislike to Nina because Nina came on way too strong for them. Mama interrupts them with the observation that she didn’t like Nina because it was obvious to her that Nina had launched an all out campaign to destroy the Diva, and watching the show only confirmed that for her. At this point I’m wondering if Bravo is showing these women completely different episodes than I’m seeing.

I’m telling you she found that book about my sister and told everybody about it just to destroy her.

Of course, all of this is just leading us to another flashback of the whole book slapping, table flipping, bitch raking dinner. OMFG I am so tired of this dinner already, but I still get a chuckle every time I see Nina indignantly snapping that all she really wanted out of the evening was “clearance on this.” Like the book and all of the nastiness surrounding it is part of some going-out-of-business, bargain basement sale. Not surprisingly, Miss Thang is well acquainted with the contents of the book and he’s just dying to find out how much of it is true. Personally, I’m thinking that it might be a little optimistic on his part to be asking Nina for the truth, but you’ve got to give him credit for trying. Besides maybe she’ll finally get “clearance.”

The short version, according to Nina Van Ho, is that she is in fact the woman formerly known as Beverly Merrill. Despite asking her more than once about her alleged practice of “dating” a Colombian drug dealer, Miss Thang isn’t going to get any dirt from Nina. She points out that a person would have to be “crazy” to talk about a thing like that, and Miss Thang nods as if to say “So? What’s the problem?” Oh goody! Another housewife contribution to literature is in the works. Nina is writing a book and Miss Thang is just going to have to wait to read it for himself. I’m sure he’ll get right to it sometime after he finishes wading through Bethenny’s Naturally Thin opus and the Countess’ tomb on etiquette. But back to the question and answer session. No, Nina was definitely not a paid escort. However, she was and probably still is a raging nymphomaniac. I swear to God this woman is like a walking 12 step meeting. The question of her involvement in the kidnapping charges raises a short spurt of indignation. How could Miss Thang even think that?! Nina was merely an accessory, which is totally different. Just like a stripper and a “burlesque” dancer are totally different. As a burlesque dancer, Nina Van Ho never took off her top or her panties, or wiggled over anybody’s lap, she just hung upside down from a pole. Then, since they’re all getting so chummy, Nina takes a moment to offer to teach Low-Magnon some pole moves to use in the bedroom. A look of horrified confusion passes over Low-Magnon’s face, but it’s not clear if she’s upset that Nina thinks she’s better at pole dancing than Low-Magnon, or that Nina is comparing what she did to Low-Magnon’s tasteful, klassy pole dancing.

I could totally show you how to make him forget about your ass.

Miss Thang barely glances up at this exchange because he knows ‘hopeless’ when he hears it. The Juice is going to be an ‘assman’ for life and there’s nothing any of these woman are going to do to change him. Instead, he wants to know if Nina Van Ho is a pathological liar? Not surprisingly, Nina answers “No!” Because, really, what else is she going to say? If she is a pathological liar she’s going to lie and say ‘no’, and, if she’s not a pathological liar, I’d say that there’s a pretty good chance that she’s going to say ‘no’ as well. Miss Thang does manage to uncover Nina’s love for pot. Apparently, she really, really like smoking pot; almost as much as she now enjoys popping the occasional five or six oxycodone tablets. However, nobody should think that Nina was a run-of-the-mill, anti-social, screw-up. Because Nina wasn’t just a coke whore pole-dancing, pothead; she was a victim of abuse. Okay, I draw the line at making fun of abuse. I’ve worked in enough women’s shelters to find absolutely nothing funny about it. If Nina is telling the truth about her past, I’m truly sorry. It sounds horrific. If she’s not telling the truth, then shame on her, but I for one am not going there.

Miss Thang seems to be thinking along the same lines because he lets Nina cry herself out and then moves on to ask how it’s been for her to have so much talk and speculation about her past. Nina smiles tremulously and tells him that it’s been exhausting and she’s had to tell a lot to her kids, which prompts simultaneous looks of disgust to flash across the faces of the Laurita/Manzo sisters. On the other hand, Nina is happy to wallow in the public support she receiving. It’s totally uncomfortable when she starts rhapsodizing about the love and support she’s getting from her adoring public, and how she just wants more love, more warmth, and above all more attention. Miss Thang moves the convo away from Nina’s totally uncomfortable revelations, and asks if she has any idea of where her first husband is. But, if he was hoping to bring Nina back to reality, Miss Thang is out of luck. Having entered the land of delusion, Nina hit the ground running and she isn’t looking back. She doesn’t know where her ex is, but she’s hoping someone will tell her, because she’s safe now. SAFE I TELL YOU!! Yikes! Nina tells Miss Thang that numerous fans have offered to protect her.

You do know that Guccimodel might not be reliable, right?

I’m sorry, but hearing Nina describe how her ex is going to have to hide from her multitude of devoted fans is one of the most uncomfortable and saddest things I’ve been privileged to watch on Bravo. And I watch a lot of Bravo, so that’s saying a lot. I also really wish she would stop threatening people. Seriously, telling your ex that “they’re going down” while you’re being filmed for TV is just a bad idea. Even the Mean Girls look shocked at her recklessness. After all, everybody knows that if you’re going to make threats there should be at least a little plausable deniability worked into the wording.

Thankfully, Miss Thang is temporarily done with Nina and he turns to the Diva with some relief. Really, it says it all when a gay man prefers to talk to a predatory, big-bubbied blond, with a self-confessed track record of changing home to hetero, and an alarming tendency to aim her blue eyed look of seduction in his direction. Miss Thang mentions that, on the footage from the dinner, it looked like the Diva was running from Nina as if she was scared. The Diva gives a weak laugh and denies being scared of Nina, which has got to be a lie. I mean, come on, total insanity is a scary thing. But the Diva insists that she was running back and forth between Low-Magnon and Mama just to give them emotional support. Didn’t Miss Thang see the Diva “petting” Low-Magnon when she was upset. Because dogs, cats, and cavepeople find it very calming to be pet in times of stress.

Joe always scratches me behind the ears.

It turns out that Mama just got around to watching the finale. Personally, I think Miss Thang should be grateful that she bothered to watch it at all. After all, that’s the danger of media overexposure; the public gets bored and moves on. However, now that she’s watched it, Mama Manzo is a tad bit PO’d. The Laurita/Manzo women’s dinner party manners were definitely lacking during that episode and Mama’s mother isn’t going to be happy. On a side note, I’m totally loving the idea that somewhere out there, there’s a Laurita matriarch that’s the boss of Mama Manzo. With the venom of a teenager determined to deny the obvious and turn the blame back on to the kid everybody hates, Mama Manzo hisses that they did not investigate Nina and they did not go to Franklin Lakes and hold up the book crying “Hear ye! Hear ye!” So, Nina better not try to make Mama Manzo into the villain, or Mama’s going to kick her ever-lovin ass back to Brooklyn.

Miss Thang grins reminiscently and comments that it was a wild dinner to watch, with Jacqueline turning on her sisters to stand up for a friend. Of course that was then, and this is now, and the Manzo/Laurita women have had time to coordinate their stories. It turns out that it was just one big misunderstanding. Isn’t that a hoot? In the most convoluted explanation ever, the “ladies” explain that the Diva isn’t a liar. Instead Jacqueline just needs a hearing aid. Somehow, she totally missed what was being shrieked a mere four feet from where she was sitting. But, now, it’s all water under the bridge and they’re just one big happy family.

And you call me a liar?!

Miss Thang asks Nina how the drive home was after the dinner. Nina explains that she had to be driven home because she had a slight nervous breakdown. Seriously, somebody needs to start a trust fund to pay for her daughter’s future therapy bills. Nina describes cuddling up with her girls, turning up the TV and waiting for the whole thing to pass like it was a storm. I’m guessing she broke out the old peace pipe as well. But, hey, hopefully she’s back at those pot smokers/sex addicts/pathological liars anonymous meetings. I bet if she really looked at herself she could find a different, yet equally helpful, 12-step meeting for each night of the week.

Miss Thang turns back to Mama and reminds her that she claimed to be the one who showed the book to her sisters. The Laurita/Manzo women launch into a joint recital of the events, but there are still a few signs that it isn’t all joy and harmony in the family ranks. Jacqueline is still disputing a few of the “facts”, while the Diva tries to shush her, and Mama tries to talk over her. Nina seems to be suffering from the misconception that the Laurita/Manzo women decided not to like her after they read the book. So it comes as a bit of a shock for her to hear that they disliked her before they ever even knew about the book. Or maybe she’s just surprised by how completely comfortable Mama is with explaining matter-of-factly that she disliked Nina prior to the book, and the book only caused her to lose any faith or trust that she might have had in Nina. What’s more, in Mama’s twisted mind, the book totally justified calling the family together for a conference, without consulting Nina, and sharing information from the book with any of their mutual friends. Oh, and BTW, did Mama mention how hard it’s been for the Manzo/Laurita family to have all those old rumors circulating about her father-in-law’s death being mob related, especially for the Manzo/Laurita children?

The Diva points out that in her opinion, if the proverbial shoe had been on the other foot, Nina would have been a lot nastier with the book. You know, I have to respectfully (ha!) disagree with the Diva on this one. First of all, I’m not sure what could have been worse than revealing it on a TV show, and second, there are enough “stories” about the Juice and the Manzo’s circulating on the internet that, if Nina had an inclination to publicly humiliate them, she could have had a field day.

The whole question of whether it was the Diva who brought the book to the salon or whether it was Mama Manzo who actually did the deed once again surfaces. For some reason this question is given a ridonk amount of importance. Who cares which one did it? Mama’s confessed, so let her take the blame. Neither one of them are innocent in this act. But Mama zeroes in on Nina’s insistence that she has proof that the Diva was the great revealer. Unfortunately, Nina’s proof turns out to be word-of-mouth. I guess it really shouldn’t surprise me that Mama Manzo appears to be well versed in courtroom vernacular, when she points out that Nina’s word-of-mouth evidence isn’t “proof”; it’s “hearsay”.

My family might have a little experience with the court system.

Those 12-step meetings must be working, because Nina is ready to show off all sorts of spiritual growth. She explains that she’s since learned her word-of-mouth evidence was in fact lies, and what she should have done was to go to the Diva and ask her about the rumors. AND THEN SHE APOLOGIZES! Way to totally steal Mama Manzo’s thunder. Seriously, what else can she say now that Nina’s apologized. Unfortunately, it turns out that Mama Manzo can still scream, yell and berate quite a lot, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

The Diva, happy to finally be cast in the role of the gracious popular girl, accepts Nina’s apology, leaving Mama to sputter in the background. Miss Thang must be feeling a little robbed of a good knockdown dragout, because he presses the Diva to predict if she and Nina will ever be good friends. With all the grace of a born liar, the Diva serenely answers, “if what she said is true then, yeah.”

We’ll be BFF with hearts and flowers.

Jacqueline makes an attempt to support Nina, starting with “I get what she’s saying…”, but Mama Manzo can no longer restrain herself and interrupts with a snarl to say that the Diva is a better person than Mama. Call me cynical, but I can’t help thinking that the Manzo/Laurita woman came on the housewife franchise with a plan to showcase the Diva as the star, so this whole drama with Nina must have been pretty frustrating. However, being resourceful women they’ve developed a plan B to put the Diva firmly on the prom queen throne. Just to prove how gracious and forgiving the Diva really is, Mama is going to throw out a tidal wave of insinuations about Nina that will make her sound so mean, nasty and evil that only a person as angelic as the Diva could overlook them. Of course, the fact that it’s all insinuation without any actual accusations doesn’t matter with this crowd. What matters is the intensity and drama with which the insinuations are made.

Mama spits out that “too much has gone down” for her to ever forgive Nina, giving the Diva the opportunity to smile gently and coo that the “stuff” Mama is referencing was done in Nina’s old frame of mind, but they’re trying to move forward so all should be forgiven.

Then doves fly out and crap on her head.

I bet anything that if the Diva manages to hold on to this new improved image for another season, she’ll negotiate a contract to write a new-age self-help book.

Mama is off and running now, spitting and spewing venom and vengeance like a pro. Not that she cares what anybody thinks, but she’s worried that “this country” is going to think that she’s a hardass who won’t forgive. I’m thinking that the portion of “this country” who actually watches this show is more likely to think that she’s either a lunatic, or a total cheeseball, over-the-top, frustrated actor.

I love my family. I will protect them with everything I have!

You are garbage!

I will never forgive her! You will never be a friend of mine!

I am tough as balls.

Even Andy looks impressed by the utter gloriousness of this completely ridonk diatribe. Nina Van Ho is looking a little stunned (or completely sedated), as well she might, because, in one master move, the Laurita/Manzo women have managed to pull the victim card right out from under her.

Suck on that, Nina Van Ho!

With that, Miss Thang confesses that it’s time to wrap things up, and, while the five women are in a “really interesting and precarious place” it might be a good idea for each of them to enter into some intensive psychoanalysis before the next season starts.

Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this season! I’ve officially used up my quota of exclamation points and the housewife franchise is being temporarily replaced with NYC Prep. Woohoo!! And our awesome recapper TVannie!! You guys have been the best readers. EVAH!! I’m going on vacay, but I’ll see you all on the boards.

Hugs XOXOXO,

Yenta