Real Housewives of New Jersey: There Is No Mafia. There’s Only The New Jersey Housewives.

Dear Gasmi,

Like a good little Easter Bunny, Bravo delivered a special holiday treat this week. The preview for the Housewives of New Jersey. Woohoo!! These women are in a class all their own.

There’s a few things I want you to take care for me. What should I call them; problems! I Want you to make them disappear, if you get what I mean, capice!

I’ve been so excited about this season that I was even inspired to research an appropriate drink. I’m told that Disaronno is a favorite of the Mafia so I think it’s safe to say that it will work for the New Jersey casalingas.

The problem with the Bravo previews is that the season will start and lo and behold the preview scenes will be recycled throughout the regular episodes. Recapping a previously recapped scene, and still trying to be original, is a pain in the tuchus. So please forgive me if I gloss over some scenes that I’m pretty sure are going to be reused.

That being said, we start off on a promising note with the ultimate MILF telling us that she grew up in Jersey her “whole life”. You don’t say? I would never have thunk it. Teresa tells us that she doesn’t have the stereotypical big hair or nails. Well she doesn’t actually say “stereotypical”, that’s kind of implied. I’m not sure stereotypical is in Teresa’s vocabulary, she’s more of single syllable girl. But back to the hair, which I suspect is going to be an important theme among the NJ women.

Just as a point of reference: small hair and nails by Jersey standards.

Okay, I’ve got to admit it looks like she’s sporting some pretty big hair and nails to me, but what do I know? Teresa tells us that in high school she did have the big hair and nails and thought that she was the hottest thing, so I guess big is relative.

No wonder she’s a happy soul. Electrocuting yourself on a daily basis could cure depression for life.

I’ve got to give the woman credit; she’s got a figure to die for. Sadly, when God was endowing her he kind of skimped in the “boobies” department. Fortunately, he didn’t skimp in the ‘credit cards with really high limits’ department.

Teresa’s husband, Joe, is an “ass man” with the laudable belief that “a happy wife is a happy life” and if happiness means a new shiny pair of warm boobies, well then he’s ready to support her. After all, new boobies aren’t that much different from a new pair of Manolos, they just last longer.

In statement that’s guaranteed to disappoint adolescent boys everywhere, Teresa assures us that her husband has “gawditt goinon”, big shoulders and everything. I think we can all safely assume what the everything is. I’m also pretty sure a large number of my bear loving gay male friends will have found a whole new reason to watch the housewives.

Fahgedda ‘bowdit

Awesome. More spoiled real kids. Teresa happily inform us that her little girls are little divas just like their mother. What a surprise, her oldest daughter has “real” acting, dancing and modeling talent. Does that count as a triple threat? Maybe Teresa can call Crazy Eyes for some advice on that one. Note to TVAnnie–I’m thinking we might have a crossover!!!

Moving on from the resident MILF to Dina the Gold Digger.

Oops, my bad. The alleged gold digger.

Dina and her daughter moved to Jersey when Dina was divorced several years back and she and her daughter had to move into a room in her sister’s house. Happily, Dina re-married and catapulted from her drab, car-less, single-room existence to a giant house and a Mercedes. Despite her good fortune, I’m thinking girlfriend’s a little bitter. She’s pretty happy to stress how “a lot of the women weren’t welcoming” to her. I bet my gummi bears that somewhere in Jersey a small group of women are holed up glued to the TV screen watching this preview and praying that Dina isn’t going to use her camera time to pay off some old scores.

Hello!! OMFG somebody shaved the friggin cat.

Seriously, this is not a good look.

I’m thinking that this woman is totally going to redefine scary. Who am I kidding; all these women are scary…But, still, this woman is scaaarrrryyyy!! Dina is a former interior decorator turned event planner and she’s trying to hire a new assistant. She interviews a completely terrified young man who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Howdy Doody with a fauxhawk.

Run, Howdy! Run!

Dina asks if he thinks if the cat is cute or ugly, which totally has to be a trick question. Apparently, the wretched animal gets body odor. Lovely. And the wretched assistant gets to wash it. Even better. While Howdy is still stammering out “Cats get bathes?” I’d have been out the door and down the driveway. I’m telling you, this woman is a freak. Washing cars maybe, but who asks their assistant to buy their tampons? Not surprisingly her husband works 24/7. He’s probably scared to death of her as well. I’ve got to give him credit for resourcefullness. In the three years that they’ve been married, scary Dina reports that he’s managed to spend a total of two and a half weeks with her and her naked, fug cats.

Staying with the theme of spoiled “real” children, because they’re the must have accessory for “real” housewives this season, Dina’s own teenage daughter is apparently unable to make her own bed because her mother never showed her how. I’m thinking that this girl either has least amount of initiative I’ve ever seen in a living being, or we’re talking short bus, and I’m going to directly to hell.

The Sopranos may be finished, but I’m happy to report that Tony’s transgendered spirit lives on in Dina’s sister, Caroline. Caroline’s husband owns The Brownstone Catering Company. I have to say that I’m a little disappointed. I was so hoping for a strip club. Caroline’s sister, Dina, has her event planning office is in the Brownstone as well, because why not keep everything in the family. And I mean everything, including husbands. Caroline’s husband is the brother of sister Dina’s husband, which is, I don’t know, uncomfortable? Awkward?

You godda problem wid dat?

Caroline has two sons, Albie is the first in his family to go to college. And Caroline is looking forward to having a lawyer in the family, which is practical to say the least. Christopher on the other hand is more of an entrepreneurial sort and he’s got big dreams. Boyfriend wants to open a stripclub/carwash. The benefit of which, he happily tells us, is that it will be recession proof. Oh goody. I just knew that there had to be strip club somewhere in this show. I swear I can almost see Tony Soprano hovering in the background when Caroline explains that she wants it be a” respectful strip club, one that a mom can be proud of.” Honestly, all I can think is that Tamra’s douchebag son Ryan is going to be on the first plane to Jersey, and I totally hope he gets his ass kicked.

Wow. I’m already feeling sorry for the poor woman who married Dina and Caroline’s brother, Chris. At least she’s not related to Dina and Caroline’s husbands. It’s always good to import new bloodlines or things just get too inbred. Jacqueline tells us that she’s from Vegas, but I’m thinking more waitress than showgirl. She seems nice, accommodating, and a little meh. Oh well there’s got to be one in every group. Poor thing. She’s got to be living in terror of being eaten alive by Scary Dina and Soprano Caroline.

Once you’re in you can never leave.

Every housewife franchise has to have at least one certifiable, borderline dangerous, pathological wingnut; Jersey has Danielle. That’s not to say that these other woman aren’t nuts, but Danielle promises to take insanity to a whole new level. I’m. Totally. Psyched. We have the obligatory narcisstic bikini appearance along with the ‘I’m not vain, I’m just super confident’ shpiel. You go girl, but we’ve heard and seen all that before. Hey, here’s something new. In a franchise full of women who get around, Danielle gets around more than most. Being engaged nineteen times before actually marrying is pretty impressive. Of course, she gave back all of those rings, but kept the 20th ring from the guy she eventually married, “because, HELLO!” LOL.

From Gretchen to Kelly to Danielle. You’ve got to hand it to the Bravo casting department, they must spend a lot of time hanging out in front of psychiatric institutions.

Life used to be sweet for Danielle. Sweet as in black American Express cards, but then dun-ta-dun divorce. Now, despite having a big ass house and no job, Danielle is struggling. Two years have gone by and she doesn’t have a divorce settlement. What’s the best way to revenge yourself on your ex? Go on national TV and call him to beg for the money he owes you, so the whole world can see what a gonif he is.

Apparently, Danielle isn’t one to miss an opportunity. If her husband isn’t going to come through with the money, she’s not picky. The Milk Association might not have let her post her message on their cartons, but, sadly, Bravo doesn’t have the same standards:

“I cannot struggle financially anymore someone has to come in and save me and my girls.”

Hey Ho! Online advertising works. Danielle has a date. Could it be a knight in shining armor, riding in on a white horse to rescue her? Do knights gives great phone sex? Because that’s all that Danielle knows about him. Well, at least, that’s almost as good as paying the electricity bill. So who needs to know his real name? Especially when he goes by the really cool username “Gucci Guy”. Hmmm. Simon? Is that you? Sigh. I knew he wouldn’t be able to limit himself to just one housewife show.

Well, Gasmi, that’s it for now. I don’t know about you, but I am super excited. These women are cray-ayzee!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Passover/Easter with lots of love, joy, eggs, and matzo.

Hugs,

Yenta