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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Mini-Cap
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Monday, April 23, 2012
2:15 am
21 Comments
Benvenuto, amici! Everyone ready to to see what’s up with the Real Housewives of New Jersey? It’s literally last summer’s news, but I guess we just have to trust that it’s all somehow part of Andy’s cross eyed plan to entertain us.
The big news here is that THE COOKBOOK is the new THE CHRISTENING, and we spend the majority of our first visit back with the crew setting up this new blood-feud. So far, no one’s beaten anyone up or wheeled a baby to safety, so I’m already nervous that THE COOKBOOK’s not packing quite the same punch. Luckily, we have the Guidice bankruptcy, arrest and philandering to fall back on.
So most of this episode consists of someone bringing up one of the above topics, someone else saying they shouldn’t talk bad about Teresa, everyone yelling back and forth about it until finally the original shit stirrer declares that they don’t want to talk about it anymore and never wanted to in the first place. Then everyone swears that they’re over it until the next location.
This scene plays out about 20 times in various locales – at the pool, in closets (the Gorgas’, of course), in at least three people’s kitchens and finally at the beach, cause the Jersey shore makes everything trashy and therefore awesome.
Gonna Crisco up and give the finger to the Hamptons!
The Guidices set up shop in a shanty house with a slanted roof where Teresa pretends to be worried about little Gia seeing the tabloid articles that go along with the staged family photo shoots. Her sensitive husband commiserates with about 70 versions of “whaddya gonna do”.
Meanwhile, everyone else gossips about them. It all ends with a disappointingly mild showdown between Tre and Midget Joe, where he somehow manages to remind her of that time 5 years ago when he lent her $25,000. So at some point, THE $25,000 could become the new, new THE CHRISTENING, but right now I think they’re all just throwing as many potential blood-feuds around as they can to see what might hemorrhage.
Other highlights include a doctor diagnosing Caroline with old age, Melissa Gorga wearing every kind of gold sequin ever invented, Joe Guidice lifting weights against his potbelly and oh, in a new and shocking twist, Jacquee and Chris Manzo are at “the end of our rope” with Moonface Ashley who is now a moonfaced blonde.
It also appears that both the demon seed Milania and power lesbian Rosie have discovered the camera and been rehearsing their one-liners. But it’s okay, cause within the first 15 minutes we’ve got Milania screaming about poop and Rosie vowing to rip out someone’s heart and eat it.
See you here tomorrow for the full recap of all the action!
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21 Comments
I love me some Joe Gorga. He is hilarious. Full of Gorgasims and poison. I can’t wait to see if he and Melissa hang with Andy again on WWHL. As for Juicy Joe… he is a gavone.
I have a question – if Moonface Ashley lives at home and doesn’t work, how does she managed to pay to get her lips done? Now she looks like Moonface Betty Boop (who is moonfaced anyway, so I guess its appropriate)!
that girl is like nails on a chalkboard. she’s beyond lucky to have what she has and everytime i see her i want to lift my tv and hurl it out of the window.
p.s. why did she think blond was a good choice? she must have no friends.
S-Natch FTW! I was saying to my friend, she’s 23? WTF is up with her lips?
Soooooo much to snark on but I’ll wait for the full recap! Does anyone KINDA want to skip right to the Posche fashion show and start there instead of rehashing all of last seasons issue (and talking head interviews in last seasons clothes) like I do?????
Someone please say yes. I was toying with idea of just reading the recaps and actually tuning in in time for that shit show.
Right. Bad Girls Club has this right. They will show you the fight then they will “magically” transport back in time to show you the events that lead up to the altercation.
I don’t think it makes the fight any less dramatic at the end of the day other than you know exactly why they are fighting versus these wild hyenas yelling at each other for no reason. Wait…there’s really no difference in those situations is there!?!?!?
They’ve milked the “Ashley is a slacker” plot line too long. I mean, are they going to send a crew to Las Vegas and film her sucking up precious oxygen out there, now? I can’t even get irritated anymore (me!). I just don’t care.
It’s Giudice, not Guidice — are you mixing up their name with “Guido,” LOL?
On the other hand, who the heck cares about spelling with this mess. I’m going to go with recaps only this season. Thanks for this one!
It’s back!! But what I feared would happen has – Milania has discovered full sentences and the ability to hide her tail and cloven hooves.
Ashley as a blonde? Don’t worry, other blondes – her stupidity before the bottle is duly noted.
NO! SERIOUSLY! THEY’RE DONE WITH ASHLEY/EE!! LIKE MEAN IT! FOR REALZ!!! DOUBLE DONE! ROPE, HERE IS THE END!
Overall I was underwhelmed. I’m thinking the whole “start the new season right after the old one” might backfire considering it wasn’t shown in the fall like they planned.
I will say my two new favorite quotes are “You’re like a dragon!” and “If you read it real good….”
CANNOT WAIT FOR RECAP HOWEVER!!! As if you read them real good, they’re better than the actual episode.
YESSSSSSSS! Milania telling off Juicy was glorious! Gia is going to end up a strung out pill head before her parents are done with her. Look at the bags under that poor child’s eyes already. Yeesh.
At least someone is. I love how all Theresa and Juicy’s talks skirt every issue and end with Juicy shrugging everything off as Chickbomb described. I don’t know why they always get the softball edit, re: being dirty faux mafia perps.
I think it’s easier if we all just think Judy Shay.
They certainly have the voodoo for the bitches!
You know what, you’re GD right about that! He does get the angel edit. Must be sleeping with and Editor
I’m sure this has been covered somewhere, but apparently Ashley/ee has a blog at buzznet and I think I remember reading that she does indeed have a job that’s somehow tied to the agency that she was interning at last season (of course this is according to Ashley/ee, so take that for what you will). Anyway, she lives in L.A. now. I know she’s gotten more tattoos and isn’t blonde anymore. She posts a lot (or used to) about partying, music, and fashion, but I haven’t checked it in a while. Anyway, I’m just bringing this up in case anyone is curious (doubtful) but there’s an update. I discovered the site and occasionally check on it because sometimes she has stuff on there about RHoNJ. I don’t know the rules about providing links, so just go to Buzznet.com and look for “Ashlee Holmes.”
Oh yeah, can’t wait for the full recap!
Dontcha just love how Juicy tells his family to “shut up.” it’s so disturbing. Then Theresa looks around as if she is surprised by what Milania says….that vile hairball acts so holier than thou but you know that is exactly what she sounds like when she trashes others in the presence of her children.
I am actually doing that, Gypsy. As we speak. I feel kind of weird right now because it’s like you read my mind.
I feel another song will be coming from Gia before too long…
I still hate Teresa. How scummy are they to talk about their issues in front of those little girls.
Gia…file the emancipation papers ASAP!
Miliania should have her own show. I bet Miss Andy is scared shitless of her.
What is sadder, if you read her blog, Tre still is not getting it. Don’t think she ever will. I truly believe her and her brother have a some kind of learning disability.