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Benvenuto, amici! Everyone ready to to see what’s up with the Real Housewives of New Jersey? It’s literally last summer’s news, but I guess we just have to trust that it’s all somehow part of Andy’s cross eyed plan to entertain us.
The big news here is that THE COOKBOOK is the new THE CHRISTENING, and we spend the majority of our first visit back with the crew setting up this new blood-feud. So far, no one’s beaten anyone up or wheeled a baby to safety, so I’m already nervous that THE COOKBOOK’s not packing quite the same punch. Luckily, we have the Guidice bankruptcy, arrest and philandering to fall back on.
So most of this episode consists of someone bringing up one of the above topics, someone else saying they shouldn’t talk bad about Teresa, everyone yelling back and forth about it until finally the original shit stirrer declares that they don’t want to talk about it anymore and never wanted to in the first place. Then everyone swears that they’re over it until the next location.
This scene plays out about 20 times in various locales – at the pool, in closets (the Gorgas’, of course), in at least three people’s kitchens and finally at the beach, cause the Jersey shore makes everything trashy and therefore awesome.
The Guidices set up shop in a shanty house with a slanted roof where Teresa pretends to be worried about little Gia seeing the tabloid articles that go along with the staged family photo shoots. Her sensitive husband commiserates with about 70 versions of “whaddya gonna do”.
Meanwhile, everyone else gossips about them. It all ends with a disappointingly mild showdown between Tre and Midget Joe, where he somehow manages to remind her of that time 5 years ago when he lent her $25,000. So at some point, THE $25,000 could become the new, new THE CHRISTENING, but right now I think they’re all just throwing as many potential blood-feuds around as they can to see what might hemorrhage.
Other highlights include a doctor diagnosing Caroline with old age, Melissa Gorga wearing every kind of gold sequin ever invented, Joe Guidice lifting weights against his potbelly and oh, in a new and shocking twist, Jacquee and Chris Manzo are at “the end of our rope” with Moonface Ashley who is now a moonfaced blonde.
It also appears that both the demon seed Milania and power lesbian Rosie have discovered the camera and been rehearsing their one-liners. But it’s okay, cause within the first 15 minutes we’ve got Milania screaming about poop and Rosie vowing to rip out someone’s heart and eat it.
See you here tomorrow for the full recap of all the action!
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