Ter starts yelling about how it’s part of being on TV, you’ve got to use the press to sell the show and she’s sure if any magazines were asking everyone else for comment, they’d be commenting too. “Hate to burst your bubble, but they do ask us,” says Caro.
Oh, right, I see. You just keep on staying out of it now.
Andy asks Ter and Brown Smurf if her comments bothered them and they both say no. Then he starts grilling Brown Smurf about the In Touch deal he alluded to in Napa. “What did you rehearse – remember your line,” taunts Jacquee from the other side of the couch where she’s just so above it all. Hey lady, guess what? I care even less about Ter getting paid to do covers than I do about Mel being a stripper.
So I don’t really care what his response is which is a good thing because it’s basically some mumbled nonsense about getting paid for some things. Ter chimes in to inform us that the issue is, Chris controls Jaquee’s money. She has to ask him for as little as $100. Um, is anyone sure that Chris doesn’t just have a paid conservatorship over Jacquee?
Now Kat jumps in to ask Ter why she’s doing that with Jacquee, apparently deaf to any snide remarks originating over on Jacquee’s side of the couch. So, let’s talk about the Brown Smurf’s “legal woes”, as Andy so preciously calls them.
He recaps that the Brown Smurf allegedly lost his license from that time when he drove into a tree and then did a shot right after, followed by a trip to the DMV where he used his brother’s information to try and get a duplicate license.
We flashback to the case of the Brown Smurf versus the road (and also, a tree), and also hear Ter tell him that Gia “sees things” in the media. We hear Mel oh-so-innocently inform us that “for some reason, Teresa responds negatively to the world ‘jail’”. Hmm, wonder why that might be? Jail normally conjures such happy thoughts, like butterflies and bunnies.
And of course there’s Kat to inform us that in Jersey, one designates their incarcerated loved ones as simply “going away”. “It’s old school,” she reminds us in case you forgot her schtick.
When it’s my turn to write a book, it will be called Old School Tastes Like Old Fish, and it will be sold at parking lots all across the Tri-State area.
What’s the status, Andy wants to know. And more mumbling, which I’m actually not complaining about because at least it’s better than shouting. And the lug “don’t know what’s goin’ on. Call my lawyer,” he advises Cohen.
Are you nervous, intrepid reporter Andy wants to know. And of course he’s not! Listen, it’s a long process, Smurf advises Andy. Don’t matter how long it is, buddy, it still probably ends with you in the pokey. Hey, I wonder how Ter feels about “pokey”? It sort of makes it sounds cute, like something you can lie to your kids about. “Daddy’s in the pokey!” If you say it cheerfully enough, it sounds like somewhere fun.
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