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Dear Gasmi:
Sadly, I never recovered from my flu. I am in fact dead. I’m also determined to drag my sorry decomposing carcass out of my grave to finish off this season for you.
This week starts off with the Diva and Lexi visiting Low-Magnon at her shiny, new faux chateau. The sight of the gold inlaid doors inspires a feeling of awe in the Diva and she tells her daughter that she feels like she’s visiting Oz.
The Diva presents her gifts of bread and salt and explains that the salt is to ward off evil people. Personally, I think she’s trying to audition for the role of one the witches, and I’m pretty sure Lexi thinks so too. She’s looking totally alarmed, like she’s either picturing her mother melting after being hit with a bucket of water or with her feet sticking out from underneath a random low rent housing project.
Low-Magnon takes a minute or two to figure out what evil person the Diva could be referring to, but we know that she finally makes the connection to Nina because she goes from making “uhhhhh” sounds to “ooohhhh” sounds. The evolution of articulate verbal expression is a beautiful thing to watch.
Wow. It’s really moving to see Low-Magnon’s pride in her new home. Especially after all of her work designing every last little detail.
Not that I want to stereotype anybody who is used to living in caves, but perhaps it isn’t too surprising that Low-Magnon has an affinity for the whole rock thing. Or as the Diva tactfully puts it she “has onyx coming out of her ass.” On the other hand, the concept of placing furniture in the house seems to be posing something of a challenge.
The one part of the house that is fully equipped and apparently up and running is the Juice’s wine cellar. Boy, that name just gets more fitting with every episode. God knows what else he’s been doing down there, but apparently it reeks to high heaven.
After the tour, Low-Magnon and the Diva retire to sip some wine al fresco at a little table cosily situated approximately a half mile from the house. That way if the fumes from the fermenting wine cause an explosion they can still enjoy their conversation. Low-Magnon explains that she wants to throw a house party, but because she doesn’t have any furniture it’s probably better to have the party at a restaurant. You notice how the Diva doesn’t suggest the Brownstone? The Manzos might love Low-Magnon, but even they don’t want their waitstaff being subjected to her offspring. Besides there’s no way some bad cujo isn’t going to go down, because Low-Magnon has taken it into her short, little head to invite Nina.
Over at Nina Van Ho’s house of pain, she’s once again working on that whole ‘being totally truthful with the kids’ thing. This time she’s sharing some photos from her days as a model. Nina helpfully comments that her modeling days “were pretty hedonistic”, while her daughters’ happy expressions simultaneously morph into the stunned look commonly associated with being clocked with a two by four. The problem is that all of the photos have been blurred out. So either Nina has decided to show her daughters a bunch of x-rated pictures that she’s lovingly stored away for posterity or Bravo couldn’t obtain permission to use the pictures from whatever publication owns them.
Nina takes this opportunity to talk a little bit about “The Book” and the arrest, touching briefly on her career as a stripper. I’m pretty sure that these revelations will go a long way toward ensuring a really stellar high school experience for her daughters. The only way it could be better is if Jerry Blank shows up to claim them as her long lost offspring stolen at birth.
Jacqueline’s parents have come to visit all the way from Las Vegas and they’ve come in style.
Jacqueline’s parents are pleasantly down to earth. Why is it that the parents so many of the housewives seem so normal? Seriously, don’t you keep expecting a parent along the lines of Joan Crawford to explain the apparent deep-seated need for attention that drives these women to expose themselves time and again on national TV? Jacqueline’s parents listen with a fairly reasonable amount of distaste to Jacqueline’s and Ashley’s graphic descriptions of the botoxed/siliconed lifestyle of a Franklin Lakes’ housewife. Jacqueline’s dad is mostly concerned that she’s going to end up looking like Goldie Hawn from the First Wives Club.
Jacqueline’s mother takes a slightly more optimistic approach; she’s pretty sure that the botox virus is going to find its way to Jacqueline’s brain and kill her before she can actually morph into any sort of water fowl.
Impressed by her parent’s foresight, Jacqueline takes the opportunity to ask for their advice on what to do with the car her husband bought for Ashley. After all, Ashley has kept her word and succeeded at summer school and you wouldn’t believe how expensive it is to store a car. On the other hand, Ashley’s got this problem that Jacqueline refers to as a bad attitude. And, despite all of the effort that Jacqueline has put in to launch the ‘Let’s Humiliate Ashley’ show on national TV, Ashley’s attitude isn’t getting any better. Jacqueline’s father reasonably suggests giving her the car with some clear restrictions. Who knows maybe he can join forces with JZ’s mother and conquer the self-help parenting market.
Meanwhile, over at the Diva’s house Lexi is busily working to clear away some remnants of her childhood. Now that she’s gone from wanting to sleep with stuffed animals to wanting to stay up all night texting, it’s time to get rid of all of those little critters. Man Oh Man, this girl has got stuffed everything hidden under that bed.
In addition to the collection of stuffed toys, Lexi has enough candy stuffed into one of her drawers to get me through an entire month of recaps. The Diva is all worried about starving children and Lexi’s propensity to hoard food, but I’m thinking that I didn’t give the girl nearly enough credit when I suggested that she might be, er, ‘limited’. If she’s stashing furry dildoes under her bed and emergency chocolate in a drawer, she’s clearly able to read Cosmopolitan’s self-help section.
Mama Manzo is nothing if not consistent in her determination to protect herself and her family from bad people. What she’s not consistent in is what defines a bad person.
No matter, I’m sure Mama will know a bad guy/gal when she sees one, and when she does she sure as hell wants us to know that she’ll be ready.
Jacqueline decides to follow her father’s advice and present Ashley with her new car, with restrictions, even though it means dragging her away from her obsessive texting. To her credit, Jacqueline doesn’t even flip out when Ashley gives her some serious attitude for being interrupted.
Like any normal mood swinging teenager, Ashley goes from cranky to ecstatic in under a millisecond at the sight of the approaching car. It’s nice to see Ashley in a happy pleasant segment for once.
The Diva and Lexi are meeting Mama Manzo for dinner and once again I’m reminded that generational divides are not just about age; they’re about physical comfort as well. In Lexi’s pubescent, skin and bones body the restaurant is a chilly place, whereas over in Mama Manzo’s padded menopausal world it’s shvitzing hot. But the Diva has more important things to talk about than the comfort of her companions. Apparently, Lexi’s hoarding tendencies have scared her right into quitting her job. Oops, it’s not just the hoarding that’s got her worried it’s the fact that she turned around for five minutes at work and when she turned back Lexi had “tits”. Holy crap, that’s worse than getting a tattoo. Lexi just giggles and points out that the Diva can’t stop her from growing, but I’m guessing the Diva’s going to try. And if it means staying at home all day, therebye putting both her ‘assistant’, who we never saw again, and the ‘nanny’, who we never saw to begin with, out of work, so be it. Mama Manzo approves wholeheartedly of her sister’s decision, even when the Diva worries that some women’s libber is going to take a hit out on her for choosing to stay home to take care of her house, family, and cats. Not to worry though, Mama is just dying to have a women’s libber step up to test out Fido’s man-eating skills.
Finally the night of Low-Magnon’s table tipping dinner is here. I hope that’s not a spoiler for anyone? Nina Van Ho primps at the mirror and then hustles her offspring into her car. Our editors treat us to a really exciting montage of all of the housewives driving themselves separately to the restaurant, because this is some serious shit that’s going to go down and it’s important to build some suspense. It seems like Nina took the long way, or a PA locked her and her girls in a bathroom somewhere so she could make an appropriately dramatic entrance. In the meantime, Low-Magnon’s crew and the Manzos mix and mingle, happily chugalugging any available alcohol and ignoring the faint muffled shreaks of Nina demanding to be released from her temporary prison. When everybody is pleasantly buzzed, Low-Magnon leads the way to the dinner table to await the oncoming feast, and finally Nina’s moment has come…
Conversation stops as she enters the room with her poor children faltering in her wake. Seriously, why would any mother bring her daughters to what is bound to turn into an all out bitch slapping, hair pulling, bra snapping brawl? Because she’s such a ‘klassy’ lady (intentional misspelling), Low-Magnon immediately sets about putting her guests at ease by critiquing the oyster appetizer in terms of her sex life. I wonder if she picked up that particular conversational gambit from reading the Countess’ etiquette book? According to Low-Magnon, the Juice should never eat oysters because he’s already too damn horny and wants to have sex three times a day. In fact, he wants to have sex so often that the poor woman’s sore.
For herself, Low-Magnon doesn’t like slimy things like oysters because she’s a klassy lady who’s not so much into swallowing. Then, as if she hasn’t shared more than enough information, Low-Magnon turns to Nina, because who’s gonna appreciate some frank pornographic descriptions more than Nina Van Ho, and describes how the Juice tried to “do” her in the car on the way back from her bubbie (intentional misspelling) surgery and shortly after they arrived home. God that Juice is a romantic guy. It’s every woman’s dream to have her husband advise her to “just lay there”. Seriously, I get it already. The Juice is a walking, talking, and probably farting, straight sex machine. There is absolutely nothing gay about him. After all, it’s perfectly normal for a wife to launch into an explicit description of her husband’s voracious heterosexual appetite at the dinner table. In a restaurant. In front of her guests. With her children present. When they’re being filmed for national TV. Damage control, anyone?
Just when I’m panicking that Low-Magnon is going to start demonstrating the different positions that they’ve had to use to accommodate her sore bubbies (still intentional), Nina decides that she’s had enough. She reaches under the table, grabs “The Book” and slaps it down on the table.
Nina Van Ho is gloating like a twisted office nerd who’s strapped explosives to her chest and marched into the boss bitch’s office to demand a raise. Under the circumstances it doesn’t really matter if she dies in the process because the last thing she’s going to see is her hated boss being blown to hell.
The Queens of Mean are collectively thrilled.
Nina calmly explains that she’d like to talk to them about the book. The Diva, being one of the quicker minds present, tells us that she quickly realized that Nina’s actions were aimed at her. In an effort to head off disaster, the Diva asks “can I stop you right now?” I’m kind of amazed that Nina even bothered to answer, “No”. With the momentum that she’s been building over the last few weeks, the only thing that would have stopped her was an uzi, and, sadly, Mama Manzo neglected to slip one of those into her purse.
Low-Magnon whines that Nina should have told them about the book and her past, but Nina is way beyond listening to petty kvetching. The Diva goes over to sit next to Low-Magnon in a not so touching show of support and inter-species sisterhood, while Mama Manzo tells us, “I thought she had the right to try and defend herself. Would I have believed her? Probably not.” It’s amazing how almost everything that comes out of Mama’s mouth starts off sounding reasonable and then slips off into gangsta paranoia.
Low-Magnon calls a halt on the proceeding to send her kids out of the room, and good for her. Clearly some things are not appropriate for little girls to be around. In depth descriptions of mommy’s and daddy’s sex life may be par for the course, but mommy being called out on helping to spread nasty rumors, well that’s really not okay. Especially, when mommy is planning on behaving really badly.
Mama Manzo interrupts the proceedings to remind everybody that they are all adults and they will behave accordingly. I really wish Mama had thought to email her checklist for appropriate adult behavior to me beforehand, because things start getting a little confused for me pretty quickly.
Nina explains that there are only two items out of the two pages that are true: she was arrested and she did change her name. Of course, she kind of leaves out that whole stripping part, but hey, two out of three ain’t bad. Besides she doesn’t want to waste a lot of time before getting down to the business of hurling her hurt accusations at the Diva for bringing “The Book” to The Chateau (the beauty salon that they all go to). Nina dwells tearfully on the emotional and physical pain she suffered as a result of this attack. And if sitting at home throwing up with diarrhea for three weeks doesn’t constitute physical pain I don’t know what does.
The Diva is all like, ‘Hell no! Don’t blame me for your IBS’. “I never had the book in my hand.” But before Nina’s head explodes from frustration at the Diva’s continued denial, Mama Manzo interrupts and asks Nina to do her one favor and look at her, so that Nina can appreciate the full impact of her channelling Marlin Brando when Mama tells her “I told them!” Gasp!!!
And then, finally, what should have been the crowning pinnacle of irony drama for the entire season. The speech that Mama has no doubt rehearsed countless times in front of her mirror in preparation for this very moment:
“Let me tell you one thing about me; I will not allow you to attack my sister when it is not true. We are sick thick as thieves and we protect each other until the end. You have something to say you say it to me.”
LMAO. Mama is a totally awesome actress, or completely deluded, to be able to deliver that speech in all its mafioso glory without cracking up. I’m not kidding. Just try and say it like you mean it. I guarantee a giggle or two.
The whole question of defending-the-family-to-the-death aside, if you strip the drama from this situation it’s really just a sordid little bitchfest. As far as I can tell, a group of women were hired to do a “reality show”. Nina was basically unknown to the other women until shortly beforehand. There was an early disagreement between Nina and the Diva surrounding some sort of charity donation, which resulted in the Diva threatening to “kick Nina’s ass.” Both Nina and the Diva have confirmed that much. A nasty two page description of Nina’s life, when she was in her early twenties, is discovered by the other women, who really are basically her co-workers on the show. One of the women, Mama, makes the decision to take the book down to a business that all of the women patronize and show the description of Nina’s life around. Nina mistakenly comes to the conclusion that Diva was the one to do the nasty deed, which considering that the Diva has already threatened her with physical harm is not necessarily unreasonable. Nina may be a sad, crazy, drama queen, but, seriously, that’s no way to treat a co-worker.
Of course, there’s the whole justification defense that Mama just wants to protect her family from the corrupt evil that has been revealed to be Nina Van Ho. I might have more sympathy for this if the Manzo’s were free of any mob rumors, or if their family friends didn’t have massive indictments for corruption and mob connections, or if their son’s life goals didn’t include strip clubs. Seriously, who do they think is going to work in Christopher’s club? Bored suburban housewives?
Anyho, back to the drama. Nina points out that the Manzo’s spread vicious lies about her that could hurt both her and her children. And, really, there wasn’t much of a need for the Manzos to go to that much effort. Nina is perfectly capable of turning people against herself, not to mention seriously screwing up her kids lives, all on her own.
The Diva, apparently existing in an alternate reality, says that nobody is attacking Nina and that she personally never had the book in her own lily white hands. I’ve got to give the Diva credit for staying so calm. She’s wearing her sleeveless baby doll nightie dress that’s so short her chucky gets flashed every time a cool breeze blows by, so you know she’s probably sticking to her seat by now and super uncomfortable.
Poor Nina isn’t always too quick on the uptake. Somehow, she hasn’t seemed to grasp the full implications of Mama’s earlier speech, and continues to demand of the Diva, “You didn’t take the book to the Chateau?”
Poor Mama, all that fine drama for nothing. I can’t blame her for sounding a little frustrated when she reiterates, “I took it to the Chateau.”
Seeing that Nina is still unconvinced, the Diva decides to try and pull an ace out of the hole and says to her sister-in-law, “Jacqueline, why don’t you tell her who it was.”
Jacqueline takes a deep breath, looks the Diva in the eye and says, “You both came into the salon.” Holy crap, she just called both Mama and the Diva liars. In front of Nina. On TV. What do want to bet that some producer is frantically calling the feds to try and arrange for witness protection? The Diva doesn’t seem to understand that a mutiny is taking place in the family ranks and she denies having found out about “The Book” on her own. Having nothing left to lose, and being assured that the federal marshals are on their way, Jacqueline bursts out with, “You are such a liar!”, followed by, “You called me over to the computer and said ‘Look at this! Look at this!’”
Nina Van Ho is watching this go down with a shocked look of disbelief or her face, like maybe ‘the rapture’ is real and this is what it’s gonna feel like. Nina tries to follow the only sensible course left open to her, that being retreat but it’s taking way too long to pry her chucky off of her seat. Low-Magnon jumps into the breach demanding to know why Nina’s ex-husband wrote the book if it wasn’t true, because, hey, if it was written then “obviously something must be true.” Way to go, Low-Magnon. Of course, this has nothing to do with the question of who flashed the book around the Chateau, but that’s kind of irrelevant when you realize that ‘obviously’ is a really big word for Low-Magnon to use.
You can’t really blame Nina for being pissed that Low-Magnon is butting into such a beautiful moment. She totally snaps back in full Joyersey intonation, “Were you not here? Name change and arrested! Pay attention!” And, Wow!! It’s like Nina mistakenly used the German attack word used to trigger Mama’s protection dogs. Low-Magnon totally morphs from a semi-civilized hostess to one pissed off cavewoman right before our very eyes.
Low-Magnon sends the table crashing to the ground plates and all, yelling random insults of “prostitute/whore” amidst unintelligible grunts and screeches. I’m sure everyone would agree that well balanced beings like Low-Magnon are exactly what you want to have around your families.
Well, it’s kind of hard to top that little act. After the Juice gently restrains his wife by throttling her into submission, Low-Magnon manages to gain enough self-control to spit out that she does NOT like being thought of as “air-headed and stupid”. Personally, I think she’s lucky if that’s all people are going to think of her after this little display.
The Diva is still stuck to her seat and she isn’t wasting any more words trying to lie diplomatically. She just wants to pry herself off the leather and get the hell out there. Getting right down to brass tacks she tells Nina that she can’t stomach her; that she was there when Mama brought “The Book” into the Chateau; and that she did get pleasure out of seeing it shown around. However, at this point, because the Diva is so fucking spiritually advanced and because Nina is clearly one cannoli short of a picnic, the Diva is going to pray for her.
Finally a voice of sanity interrupts the proceedings. Jacqueline’s husband Chris declares that everybody is acting like fools. What a radical idea!! The book doesn’t mean anything, they all have their health, and they need to move on. As for Nina Van Ho, she’s welcome in his house.
The Diva having finally managed to separate herself from her chair announces that she and Mama have better things, important things, to do. Low-Magnon reiterates that she considers herself a klassy woman, which I’m sure is greatly comforting to the society of Franklin Lakes. Mama points out that Nina owes the Diva an apology, and…well…maybe…the Diva owes Nina one. However, Mama doesn’t owe anyone an apology, because she’s just that good. Nina is sure that she’s owed an apology and she’s not taking any more crap from these ladies. If she hears anything else being said about her she’s gonna show up on their doorstep and she won’t be alone. Seriously, can someone please explain to these women that making threats on national TV is just plain dumb?
Sadly, Mama Manzo isn’t satisfied with a semi-graceful exit stage left. Instead, she throws a little extra dramatic dialogue/guilt in Jacqueline’s direction. Jacqueline went where no living Manzo has gone before when she went against the family in public, but the people she really hurt were Mama’s parents. You know, the people hopefully lying peacefully in their graves. Luckily, Jacqueline seems over the whole thing, and her awesome husband is there to support her. And we end the season with the promise of a whole new generation of Manzo’s. Woohoo!!
Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this season. Sort of. I started watching yesterday’s extra footage show of the dinner from hell, but so far there doesn’t seem to be much extra. If any new startling events are revealed, I’ll send in a special extra recap. Otherwise, I’ll see you guys/gals at next week’s double header reunion.
Shouts out to J-Mo for sending me funny e-mails when I was writing this thing : )
Hugs,
Yenta
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34 Comments
Yay, nothing like a hot cup of coffee and a awesome Yenta recap on a Saturday morning! You pretty much summed up everything. But I still dont have a problem w/Diva+Caroline. I actually like them. Beverly is shit. She does have a point about letting her daughters know the truth, but she should of made them leave too. What kid wants to see their mother getting yelled at by the “Mob”. Those girls should be models, not Teresas trolls.
Why do my posts keep coming up Username?????
I just want to point out that Dina/Caroline’s brother (Jacqueline’s husband) is not a Manzo. Caroline and Dina are married to Manzo brothers…Jacqueline is married to THEIR brother, which also means that Jacqueline is not a Manzo either. Sorry, that last part where you kept referring to Chris and Jacqueline as Manzo’s was funny. Yes, Jacqueline is pregnant, but she is not contributing to a new generation of Manzos!! I believe her last name is Laurita.
Anyway, good recap. I didn’t watch the Lost Footage epi, but I heard there was some extra stuff thrown in there of the ‘aftermath’ of the fight. I’m sure they’ll re-run a million times.
It looks like we both had Oz on our minds this week, how funny is that?!
I would hate to live in that cuckoo clock house. It looks like it was designed by a Hobbit who lost all sense of proprtion. Plus, how many housekeepers would you need? How do you keep track of all the kids? You could lose one of them and find them decomposing behind the fridge like the pet frog that got loose when I was 8. And don’t get me started on the property taxes.
Feel better, baby. Here’s what I do- eat chicken soup with Goldfish crackers floating in it, washed down with Red Bull. SO white trash, I know, but it works.
Big hug and kiss,
Twunty
I still can’t muster up any kind of like for these women. Danielle is a stupid whore prostitute, the Laurita-Manzos are exclusionary and Theresa is, well, a low magnum. What does it say when the most well behaved, mature individuals at this dinner, where the children? Even the little kids behaved with KLASS and dignity.
And I think you’re on to something with the statement that Danielle’s ex is falling in love with her all over again. Wouldn’t surprise me if having “the book” as the star of this show was her end of a bargain made with him in order to get her settlement.
As for the recap, Yenta, sick, moving or family crisis, you deliver for us each and every week with the most delightful commentary and outright guffaws. And I for one love ya for it.
shanti
I am trying to start a ground roots effort to petition the government to keep Guantanamo Bay open for ex reality TV show stars. By default all those on any “Real Housewives of..” are extended invitations. Janice Dickinson from I’m a Celebrity get me out of here and Simon Pratt have already been slated for internment there.
Shanti – the book was written by Danielle’s FIRSt husband. She is trying to get her settlement from her second divorce, so your theory, though intriguing, is not correct.
I have to say, I hated this stupid ho Danielle the whole season, but she outdid even herself at the dinner party. That evil, sickening, twisted look on her face as she plopped the book on the table almost made me puke. What an attention whore! The onlly reason she even dragged this thing out at that time was to guarantee herself some more TV time. I seriously pity these adorable – and seemingly smart – kids of hers (looks like they took after their father/fathers?). This bitch makes me seriously SICK. The only other people who ever made me loath them so much are Silex from RHNY, and each time they are on I fast forward. If Danielle is back next season I will not watch the show. Her pure evil shines thru every moment and makes me throw obscenities at my TV, and her idiocy causes me too much stress. HATE HATE HATE. For me, she bugs like nobody else on TV right now.
Why would anyone think to bring up such a highly-charged topic at a private dinner party? If Danielle wanted to clear the air, she should have done so privately and at another time, or gone all out and held her own dinner party. This whole thing was very low brow.
Quite obviously the producers arranged this entire situation. Does anyone know if the producers were also the ones to “uncover” this book? I missed the episode where they brought it to the salon. Was it explained how they found out about the book (and got their hands on a copy)?
I needed to take a shower after the whole sordid mess. UGH.
If you watch Danielle walk into the dinner party, you’ll note that she has a small clutch purse, not nearly large enough to contain the book. So where did it come from? Did she sneak in early in the day and duct tape it to the bottom of the table? Did one of her kids smuggle it in under their dresses? Did she give it to one of the waiters earlier and promise him services in the restroom afterwards if he would bring the book out after the salad course? So many questions! I try not to think too hard about how much some of this stuff is staged so I can just enjoy the pure train wreck that it is. Have you all heard that Steve, Danielle’s former boyfriend, has a sex tape of her that he is trying to sell to the highest bidder? Looks like season two already has some juicy (like Joe!) stuff in the works. Cheers!
Hello Yenta,
Hope you feel better soon! I’ve missed you and haven’t been able to post although I did stalk your site. My twins are out of school and I’m in overdrive Mommy mode. You know, get them up early, do every known activity known to modern man so they don’t have time to fight, tire them out and get them into bed so you can breath. The only thing that’s going wrong is me. Why did I not get married in my teens and give birth in my twenties instead of at 36? Mountain folk have the right idea. Nine year old boy/girl twins are tiring. I can hardly stay awake after they tuck in!!
Any Hoo, I have nothing to say, nothing that I can add to the housewives debaucle. (sp.?) I am devoid of all feeling, except I feel kind of slimey.
Brilliant as usual, this post and the previous.
I’m uncomfortable knowing so much about Low Magnon’s sex life. Definitely, TMI.
xxx000
Dear Yenta:
You kick ass!
The short season was a roller-coaster for me! First I hated all of them. I thought Bravo was doing a disservice to my secret, shameful, guilty pleasure! Then, somehow Danielle slipped a little into my cold, cold heart. Shortly thereafter, I realized I was hooked (like it or not!) and that maybe, just maybe Bravo knows EXACTLY what they are doing and their plan for complete domination of my mental energies proceeds apace!
Hope you are taking a little break to recuperate from that flu before my girl Nene comes back to me this summer.
DS
Yenta, I adore you! As I watched this week I kept wondering what you were going to say about all that happened. We are so on the same page woman!
I can’t believe it’s all over soon. It went by so fast. Ahhh well, there’s always the four thousand other housewife franchises Bravo has going on.
Can’t wait to see what happens at the reunion. Get some rest!
SWAK, PottyMouth
I cannot believe that so many peeps acutally like those horrid sisters. Caroline and Dina are nasty. Caroline is contantly contradicting herself. If she really wanted to protect her family she’d keep all CONs away not just loopy, self-absorbed ex-strippers. Plus, if Danielle had any brains, she would have laughed/spit into that woman’s face right in the middle of her little mob-speech. LAME!!!
Dina’s a mess that not even her husband wants to clean up. He’s never there. It’s not like the Brownstone is in China and he has to live there or anything.
Danielle needs to grow up and stop filming reality tv. Take counseling with her cute daughters. ANNNDD…has anyone notice that even though Danielle is the worst, she has the cutest, most sensible, down-to-earth daughters…unlike Dina’s special needs kid, Caroline’s useless twesome, and Teresa’s future pole dancers.
It is so hypocritical for people to say that Danielle should have brought it up privately when the evil sisters had no intention of ever letting her explain her side of the story. It was messy but so was gossiping at the salon and bringing it up on NATIONAL TV! Hello!
Yes the woman needs help but why would you try to destroy someone like that. Gossip is a pet peeve of mine so it really gets my goat when people say things like that. Let’s pray that her daughters will grow up well adjusted inspite of their mothers crazy behavior.
Thanks for the back to back recapping of seasons of RHONY/NJ Yenta, you’re always good for a laugh-are you doing ATL in August too?
Dear, departed Yenta – I am glad to hear that you will cross the River Styx one more time to entertain us with your thoughts on the reunion – that promises to be multiple-vodka-martinis-with-cheap-red-wine-chasers worthy!
Thanks for calling out Nina’s “Joisey” (or Brooklyn) accent when she gets upset. I noticed it when she was talking to her gay friend (a couple of epis ago) as well. You can change your name from “Beverly Merrill” but you can’t take the accent out of the girl, I guess.
This was a total drama set up by Bravo – just insisting on putting them all in the same room fireworks were guaranteed. Low Magnon is a mess of contradictions – I was very glad most of the kids were ushered out before the big blow up, but it was ok to talk about your sex life and how your hubby wanted to do you in car after surgery? WTF? That isn’t appropriate dinner table converstation at any age – but then table flipping is not appropriate dinner table behavior, either. In spite of what baby boy Manzo said, that is not a “Jersey Thing”. All in all it was quite the hot mess, and at this point I really don’t care who exposed the book. I think it was 100% wrong for Nina to allow her kids to be present for the major drama – there was no need to expose them to that. I did like Jacqueline taking a stand for once, and totally loved her hubby for telling his sisters (and everyone else) to settle down.
On another note – I don’t want to be mean, but what the hell was Lauren wearing? Was that a tablecloth? When she walked into the restaurant I did not even recognize her at first. Girlfriend needs a stylist, or a mirror or a gay friend.
Thanks again Yenta for all of your witticisms through the season – it’s been a tough time for you with the move, multiple shows and A LIFE, but you always came through for us. Personally, I’m grateful for the giggles. Hugs xoxoxo
Sorry for the dumb questions but what does low magnum mean?
Great re-cap Yenta!!
I wouldn’t have such a problem with the “Manzo” sisters if they owned up to the stupid book thing. They didn’t expose the book because they were scared about who was around their kids. That is obvious since one of their best friends is up on a bunch of charges right now. (The guy that was training Caroline’s dog).
They did it because they are gossipy bitchy women with nothing but time on their hands which is fine. But don’t make up some stupid excuse on why they brought it up¦like..”I have to protect my family”.
Hey SBC123,
It’s “low-magnon”, like cro-magnon … cave people, get it?
Teresa’s low hairline.
You gotta go back and check Yenta’s prior recaps and user comments.
I have a personal problem when it comes to Teresa’s hairline. It’s just a fixation or something. I couldn’t stop thinking or writing about it.
Yenta even has a low-magnon cave Barbie. Too funny.
Dear Yenta,
What a show. It’s nice that they put the Manzo’s back in their pens now that the season is over. Can’t you just see Caroline hauling ass to get the book into the Chateau when she goes in to get her knuckles waxed? You can almost hear the cackling.
And poor low magnon, even when you have a fancy shmancy dinner party with all your peeps, you manage to tip over a table, swear and must be restrained by juicy the big lump she lives with, at least until the indictments.
And if there was ever any doubt about how non-real this show is, just watch the fight again. It couldn’t be more rehearsed. From the table throwing, to the swearing and the restrained low magnon, it’s a snooze fest even with the book.
What they need to do is have a bunch of women who have personalities that are pleasant and fun to watch, not these hateful, money grubbing, uneducated, lowlifes.
You can put a pig in a dress, but it’s still a pig.
Poor kids.
But Yenta, KADOOZ as Ramona would say, on a great season.
Love and luck,
TVannie
What a nutty season!! I may be done with the RH after this. It’s just gotten too trashy. They find these unbalanced women and they end up fighting like lunatics. It gives women a bad name, and probably ruins their kids for life.
Everyone on this show except Jacqueline is totally crazy. After the dinner show, I think Teresa is certifiable, and I worry about her kids when they hit their teenage years and screw up. What’s she going to do? Throw things at them? I wouldn’t doubt it. Clearly she’s been called dumb many times in her life and that’s why it set her off.
I just watched the extra footage show and I laughed out loud when Teresa said when she met him, her husband was “surrounded by gay men who were always touching him”!!! Love it. Yenta, that was your moment to shine. You nailed it!! And kudos to Laura for noticing Danielle’s purse when she walked in. I never noticed it. I wonder who planted the book?
I hope Jacqueline and Chris move out of state so they can live and raise their kids in peace.
I think it is Bravo’s goal to remind us of all the horrible people out there. And when this peak oil crisis unfolds and our society melts down there is no hope because deep in our hearts we are just a bunch of selfish, contridictory assholes. Don’t believe me watch the preview for NYC Prep.
But Yenta when I got through watching this episode. I was thinking WOW Yenta has a huge challenge in front of her with this one. And you did not disappoint. You caught every subtle emotion and didn’t miss a chance to make a snarky observation. This had to be one of the hardest recap to write because it had to encompass so much. There was the huge, hypocritical fight mixed with the sort of sweet family moment with Ashley and the car. I realize the fight was completely staged but it still sucked me in.
And because I am petty I will make fun if Dina’a dress. Since there isn’t much left to say after everyone elses comments. Some his they all said what was on my mind especially the one about not watching this again. But all I could think when I saw her in the blue dress that she wore to the dinner. Is that she was wearing a dress made out if those blue ribbons that they put on horses that win first place at horse shows
@ reckless
Haha…apt comparison considering that Dina has such a Horsey face!
Can.Not.Wait.For.Reunion.Part.1.Tonight!
Yenta, darling. I don’t have much to say that hasn’t already been said, only that I still love me some Nina/Danielle, trashy ho or not, it took guts to do what she did, and I especially loved the fact that she was effortlessly able to shove Low-Magnon over the edge at the speed of light. Awesome recap, I especially loved the Horny Weeble shot.
love, J-Mo
P.S. Thanks for the shout-out, I’m so happy you decided to do what we talked about, LOL.
I GOT IT!!!!
It has been bothering me for months. Ever since I heard that Theresa and Jacqueline were pregnant, I kept thinking about the phrase “they’re going to increase their numbers”, and I couldn’t remember where I heard it and I just figured it out.
It’s from “The Witches of Eastwick”, when the crazy lady pukes cherry pits all over the place she mutters this to her husband when she realizes that Jack has impregnated Cher, Michelle and Susan.
Whew, that’s what their pregnancies reminded me of , they are increasing their numbers and it kind of scared me.
I guess that kind of says something about how I feel about these folks reproducing.
Hey Gasmi,
Wow, I just got back to the internet after posting and Holy Cow! I’ve got some writing to do here. First thank you all for posting. Best thing, evah, to read all of your thoughts : )
Username: Who are you? Njgasmifan? who? it’s driving me nuts. Oy!! I don’t understand Danielle’s decision to leave her kids in the room either. But then again, I don’t understand anything these women do…
Serjen: You are so right. At this point I should definitely be able to distinguish between a Laurito and a Manzo. I totally appreciate your pointing out the difference.
Twunty: I’ve got to ask; who found the frog?!? You are such a riot. My husband has made me promise never ever to drink Red Bull. My caffeine habit has him that scared. But, I’m thinking that the next time I get that sick it might be worth it. I’ll either have a stroke or vibrate that damn virus right out of my body.
Shantigal: I agree that there must be some agreement with the ex that wrote the book. I’m sure bits will start to leak out after the season is over.
Snortles: You crack me me up. A housewives’ detention camp would be awesome…
Renata: LOL. I totally love that you just spill it.
xqzmoi: The story that Caroline and Dina are giving about “discovering” the book is that Caroline’s niece discovered it’s existence an e-mailed Caroline, who then went and checked it out of the library. I kind of wonder if Bravo is now hiring retired writers from the soap opera circuit to develop the housewife plots.
LauraK: Awesome call on Danielle’s purse size versus the book!! That whole sex tape thing is just gross, but I do wonder if it’s real? The rumors seem to have disappeared before they really got started.
Guitarheromom: Twins! Oy!! I feel for you honey. But hang in there. My son only has one more year of high school left and it’s nice that my husband and I will be young enough to still enjoy life when he’s off to college. Believe me. You’ll appreciate having kids young when it’s time to reclaim your own life : ) Until then massive hugs.
Dogsnaxx: I miss your recaps!!! Please please come back and cover a show I watch : ) I’m still not sure what to think of this season of the Jersey women. They’re just bizarre.
Pottymouth: Pretty soon Bravo is going to have a housewife franchise on every corner right next to the nearest Starbucks. It won’t be the NYC Housewives anymore, it will be the housewives of 34th and 8th. LOL
Uglycutie: I totally agree, Danielle really needs to stop the reality TV path and go for some serious intervention counseling. Sadly, she’ll probably announce that she has a drinking problem and go for a stint with Dr. Drew.
2muchtv4me: Like you I really do hope that Danielle’s kids do okay. Out of all the children shown on that show, they were by far my favorites.
Njgasmifan: I am so embarrassed that I didn’t recognize Danielle’s accent as Brooklyn and not Jersey. Sheesh!! I’m losing my ear for the burroughs, after all this time!! You’re absolutely right about Lauren’s dress. The girl has absolutely no style.
SBC123: Absolutely not a stupid question. Like guitarheromom wrote; it’s just a play on the term ‘cro-magnum’ because of Theresa’s low hairline.
Baxter: It bothers me as well that on one hand Caroline is talking about protecting her family and on the other, apparently close friends with some pretty scary people. Sigh!! These people are nuts.
AnneM: You are such riot. I love the whole knuckle waxing idea. I am so excited for your recaps on NY prep. Woohoo!!
LindaLC: I have to confess that I actually spit out my drink when Theresa was talking about her husband always being around gay men and loving it when they touched him. Too funny!! Apparently, the Juice is a little loose!!
Reckless_Saturn11: Good to hear from you!! I wish you’d reconsider throwing your cap into the recapper ring. I love your description of Dina’s dress as a bunch of horse ribbons. Too funny : )
J-Mo: Heh-heh. So does your gaydar pick up anything on the horny weeble, or is that just wishful thinking on my part? Thanks for the support hon…
AnneM: You are just blossoming out as a recapper. Your comments totally leave me giggling.
LOVE YOU ALL!! And as Dogsnaxx says: I CAN’T WAIT FOR TONIGHT. Please forgive any typos in this…It’s too long too check…
Hugs,
Yenta
Is this the norm in New Jersey to pronounce whore as hooer?
Snortles – there is no “norm” in NJ, pronounciations and accents vary throughout the state. Although my parents were originally from Brooklyn and later moved to NJ, they worked hard to make sure us kids did not have “tradional” NJ or NY accents.
Also, to set the record straight, “most” people in NJ do not say things like “that is so gay”. We are not ALL Low Magnons.
Yenta darling – the rumors appear to be true, local paper confirmed that Nina will be in court to try to stop Shviting Steve from selling videotapes he has of her committing sexual acts. I for one am so glad that he will continue to be in contact with her young daughters…. NOT!
I have to ask, does anyone else think Caroline is a liar? I sure do. I think Danielle hit it right on the nose – Dina really is the culprit on exposing the book, and when she was attacked by Danielle then big sister went into she-bear mode.
I have a weekly telephone recap of this show with a girlfriend of mine and we both said “Caroline LIED!” at the same time!!
Did anyone else catch the skit on Chelsea Handler last night? It was hilarious. They got the New Jersey Wives Reunion show down and nailed it. Wait until you see the guy playing Carline, he was perfect.
It’s available on the Chelsea handler web site , it’s a must see.
Also, a judge granted a temporary order stopping Steve from releasing the sex tape. Hopefully that’s the end of it.
Is is just me or is whore now pronounced hooer?
AnneM – I saw the skit online – and it was hilarious! Yes, the “Caroline” guy was awesome. That was too funny for words.
Oh AnneM, AnneM,
Thank you, thank you!!
I just watched the sketch on Chelsea Lately. ROFLMAO!!
Does anyone know how to make a copy of this? I want to watch it over and over and over.
Almost forgot
Yes, Baffled, I agree. Caroline’s a Hugh Liar.
But I suspect she may be in the beginning of a really bad “pause” (meno).
I can’t imagine her living for 47 years with such an ugly attitude.
OK, I swear I’m done — I’ve got to make breakfast.
“Huge Liar”