Real Housewives of New Jersey: Pussies, Chuckies and Peepees–True Elegance At Last!

Dear Gasmi,

This week we learn about Lauren’s waxing phobia, the lengths that a modeling agency will go to for free advertising, and the detrimental effects of botox on oral sex.

Once I force my mouth into an O I’m pretty much done for the night.

I’ve got my chianti in the straw covered bottle (shouts out to njgasmifan) and I’m ready to go. Getting rid of the straw and the glass is definitely helping things along…

We start this week with Theresa’s GPS threatening to file for divorce.

You never listen to me anymore

Seriously, if you can’t read well enough to follow the signs from the Garden State Parkway into Manhattan then you best be listening to that box on your dashboard. Not surprisingly, Theresa and Gia are late for their kiddie appointment at the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency. Personally, I’m thinking that they might want to turn around now. After all things didn’t turn out so well for the last Gia to model for Wilhelmina. That is unless you count being immortalized by Angelina Jolie after your death.

I’m totally loving that neither Theresa nor Gia have any idea why the heck the agency is named “Wilhelmina”. Even if they don’t know who Wilhelmina Cooper was, a wild-ass guess would be that “Wilhelmina” was the person that the agency was named after; maybe even a model since it’s a modelling agency and all.

It’s a damn good thing that Theresa has a host of cameras following them to their appointment. If there’s one thing that ANTM has taught us, it’s that the modeling world doesn’t like people who are late. On the other hand, Theresa probably doesn’t watch intellectual shows like ANTM. I’m betting she prefers shows with more pictures like the Home Shopping Network.

Wow, I had no idea that Big Bird’s mother was in the fashion industry.

Sadly, Mother Bird is not impressed with Gia’s comp cards and tells Theresa that they’re too pageant like. Oooooohhhhh! Slam!!

So you think she’s going to be a star?

With difficulty Mother Bird manages to convince Theresa that “pageant” is a bad word. As this newfound knowledge sloooowwwwlllly sinks in, Theresa realizes that, despite the $800.00 in cash that she shelled out for the comp cards, Gia is going to need new ones. This time without makeup and maybe with a small cabbage pinned to her blouse, because if Mother Bird is wearing it you know it’s got to be chic.

Diva Dina is about to be reduced to a mere divette. That’s what happens when you have a brother who’s an even bigger, badder and probably bitchier diva.

F-U Top Chef!! I told you I’d make it on to TV without you!!

Dina’s brother Jamie is the celebrity chef of the recording industry, at least he is if his bio is honest and true. Dina tells us that he’s on tour with a recording artist celebrity. She can’t tell us which one but she assures us that they’re REALLY big. I gotta wonder if Chubby Checkers is still touring? Big brother Diva out shopping for furniture, because that’s what chefs do. I’m confused. Oh, silly me. Jamie is way too talented to be limited by a mere chef title. He’s a chef/stylist who does everything, which has got to be great for those celebrities who don’t mind occasional strands of hair in their food.

A helpful salesgirl offers that animal print is soooo in right now. Big brother Diva isn’t interested in what’s in; he’s all about being ahead of the curve. I’ve got to say that I have a totally hinky feeling about this guy, so I’m really appreciative when Mama Manzo clarifies that the artsy side of Jamie is “almost psychotic crazy”. Personally, I’m pretty sure that there’s no “almost” about it and, while we’re on the subject, I’m guessing that limiting the whole psychotic/crazy description to his “artsy side” isn’t really doing Diva Jamie justice.

Back at the Diva-in-training’s house, Dina bitches that her house is like a warehouse due to her overwhelming work schedule. Before I can muster up any sympathy for her, a tragedy strikes. Jamie yells “Rooster down! Rooster down!” And I’m immediately convinced that Dina’s assistant had a stroke. After all a fauxhawk and a rooster’s comb are pretty similar. But instead of an exploited abused body laying on the floor, theres only a butt ugly statue that was inspired to jump to its death. Boredom will do that to you. God only knows how often the poor rooster was forced to listen to Dina whining about the demands of work versus parenting.

It’s time for our weekly segment of ‘Lets Humiliate Ashley’. Jacqueline has spent a productive morning at the school arranging for Ashley to take summer classes in full uniform, because she failed two of her finals.

I did think of putting her in stocks for a few weeks, but exposing her on national TV seemed just as effective.

Ashley seems a little confused about failing her history final, saying “I thought you were going to take care of that.” Meaning what? Blackmail? Bribe? Sexual favors? Sadly, Jacqueline doesn’t respond, so I’m going to go with sexual favors offered and rejected. Which totally makes sense when Jacqueline starts whining to the camera that she feels like she’s the one in trouble whenever she talks to Ashley’s teachers.

OMG Nina is exhausting, and I don’t mean all the drama surrounding her about her past stripper/coke whore life. I mean her frenetic need to exercise. I’ve got to give the woman credit, she’s in great shape and if she wants to spend her time climbing a rock wall more power to her. I’m going to just settle back and pour myself another glass of wine. After all, there are tradeoffs in life. My tuchus might not look as good as hers.

Happily, the world is going to be spared the sight of me from this unfortunate angle.

Nina mentions that her level of fitness is what it takes for a woman her age to “get a 26 year old”. A statement which might have lines of middle-aged woman streaming to the gym, if it wasn’t for one thing.

The couch potato lifestyle is looking better and better!

Wonderful. Not only does balding, shvitzing Steve look like a douchebag, but, according to Nina’s oldest daughter, he can act like one too. Seriously, any guy who swings from being really nice to really mean is not relationship material. And the whole pathetic need to hear how much shvitzing Steve loves her, totally replaces a self-assured cougar image with a pathetic aging needy ho image.

Mama Manzo is determined that Lauren is not going to be a hack cosmetologist. Instead she wants Lauren to be formerly educated and since Harvard isn’t currently offering any degrees in cosmetology, she’s looking at the next best thing: The Artistic Academy. Who knew how much stress/anxiety was involved in applying to cosmetology school? It’s a damn good thing that the Manzos know the owners of the school, because otherwise Lauren might not get accepted. Of course, Mama Manzo is quick to point out that knowing the owners doesn’t mean that Lauren is going to get any preferential treatment. Nope, she’ll just be able to go to someone whenever she needs help; unlike the rest of the student body, who will have to cry into their pillows at night and suck it up during the day.

You be nice to my girl and there won’t be any fires.

It turns out that Jacqueline was a cosmetologist in Las Vegas so she’s coming along to see the school and offer her expertise. I’m a little surprised at Jacqueline’s past profession. Personally, I had been thinking more along the lines of a Hooters waitress/hostess.

I have to admit that I haven’t been giving Lauren enough credit in life. When push comes to shove she’s got carefully thought out principals that she’s willing to fight for. The Manzos might be able to push her into this whole cosmetology thing, but there’s no way in hell that she’s “waxing any peepees or chuckies.”

I wonder how she feels about waxing pussies?

Mama Manzo isn’t taking any of this anti-waxing crap. If a chucky needs a wax to chuck its wood, then Lauren better get ready to slather that crap on. And bottom line, what Mama Manzo wants is what Mama Manzo gets. Or as Lauren happily tells us, she has to listen to her mother or she might get cut off. As in cast out on the street corner, without any skills or brains, where she’ll be forced to do things that make her long for the chance to wax some chuckies and peepees.

Look ma! I’m patting my head.

Theresa and Gia are back at the photog for their non-makeup do-over. This time Theresa isn’t taking any chances. She’s moving in until they get it right. The woman has brought one huge suitcase of Gia’s clothes, two bags of accessories, three bags of shoes and no doubt a frigging partridge hidden somewhere in her mop of hair. Seriously, what four year old owns three bags of shoes?

How else is she going to learn to be a high maintenance princess like her mommy?

Talk about a marathon photo session. I don’t really blame the kid for getting a little cranky, but somebody might want to explain to her that this is what a model does, and that whole “I don’t want to take any more pictures” attitude is kind of frowned on in the fashion industry.

Where’s the damn partridge when you need it?

If there’s any lesson to take away from watching the Jersey’s hos, it’s that Tupperware parties are totes passe. While really upscale chic women are still into plastic, it’s surgery they’re talking about not containers. Taking advantage of the home plastic surgery trend, Nina has invited the entire Jersey ho contingent to her house to experience the charm and skill of plastic surgeon for hire, Dr. Manolakakis (sounds disturbingly like ‘man-o-lotsa-cocks’). It seems that party doctors and strippers both have to deal with their clients hoping for more intimate services. Or at least Nina doesn’t waste any time looking the good doctor over before telling him that she’s single and offering him her card. I’m confused. Nina needs to decide if her relationship with young Steve really isn’t that serious and she’s just a drama queen, or if her relationship with a balding 26 year old, who shvitzes like a pig, really is serious and she’s just a slut.

Or she’s all that and then some.

Brother Jamie has disappeared into the celebrity stratosphere and Dina has regained her full diva status. She’s only agreed to attend the plastic surgery soiree because of contractual obligations Jacqueline. Mama Manzo’s not feeling the whole botox thing. She’s more of an all natural (not to be confused with au naturale) kind of girl.

How many times do I have to say ‘wax the chucky’ already?

I’m so tired of watching the inevitable closeups of housewives suffering through their various beauty routines. Seriously, I get it. You’re expensive and high maintenance. What I don’t get is why anyone would choose voluntary paralysis over wrinkles. Theresa and Jacqueline both take their turns with the needles, but Nina takes the pain to a whole new level when she gets the botox injected directly into the inside of her upper lip. Diva Dina watches Nina’s ordeal in a state nearing orgasmic ecstasy as she fantasizes about wielding the needle herself in an act of sadistic torture. Sucking up those glasses of wine has definitely augmented Diva Dina’s natural talent for bitchiness. Not everybody can show such a magnificent disregard for basic manners, it’s truly a gift.

And the cross makes it all okay.

Not surprisingly, after being orally paralized, the only part of Dr. Manolakakis’s name that Nina can wrap her lips around is “cock”. Of course that’s a word that she’s had a lot of practice pronouncing. Unfortunately, this is one of those sensitive topics where Nina thinks it’s funny when she comments on it, but not so funny when the Diva comments on it. I can sort of understand Nina’s point in that whole ‘laughing at her and not with her’ kind of way, but still it ruins the effect when she goes all drama queen intoning that “apologies are in order.”

How’s she going to give Steve his blowjobs?

If I include the preview for the season, this is the third time they’ve used the clip of Lexi saying that she doesn’t know how to make a bed. Either the editors really hate Diva Dina’s daughter, Lexi, or they’re really trying to be tactful about telling us that the girl’s developmentally disabled.

Because, you know, their normal approach is just going to piss off alot of people.

Dina wants Lexi to do more around the house, so she’s hired a nanny to help her, which would be great if Lexi was five, but at age twelve it’s just kind of sad. Lexi might be on the slow side when it comes to basic life skills, but she’s got a really good grasp on the whole princess attitude, and that’s what really counts in life. The lucky woman who works for her is going to have the dubious honor of addressing Lexi as her majesty not to mention wearing a really cute little uniform.

Maybe she can walk two steps behind me whenever I go out.

Jacqueline is on her way to Nina’s for a barbecue, and she’s really, really hoping that Nina isn’t going to want to bring up the Diva’s nasty behavior at the botox party. Silly woman, of course Nina is going to want to kvetch about the Diva. Why else would she go to the trouble of having a barbecue? If I was Jacqueline I’d be claiming a contagious stomach flu and stay home, but then again knowing Bravo nothing short of death is going to get her out of those contractual obiligations.

Nina sidles up to the whole ‘Diva is a bitch’ topic by talking about who she does and does not want to invite to her birthday; specifically not the Diva. Surprised the crap out of me too. Oh, and by the way, has Jacqueline noticed that the Diva has gained like 30 lbs.? Holy cow. Nina is one brave woman, or she’s drunk. I’m going with drunk, because the Diva is totally going to flip her weave when she hears that little gem. But, moving on from the weight issue, Nina’s not one to say bad things about people so she’s not going to say much. Except that the Diva’s the most abrasive, condescending, irritating excuse for a human being that Nina has known. Ever.

My Bravo contract provides for witness protection.

Uh Oh, Mama Manzo’s brother, who also happens to be Jacqueline’s husband, screwed up and Jacqueline wants some sympathy. Seriously, after all those years of being married to the mob Manzos, Jacqueline should know that Mama is never going to admit her brother did something wrong. If the guy went out and bought Ashley a really big, shiny, new car after she showed a wee bit of repentance for failing her junior year, then it’s got to be Jacqueline’s fault for not being strict enough. The only sin on Chris’ part is that his heart is too big.

Albie seems to grasp that the problem might lie partially with Chris and asks, “what’s he going to give her when she gets locked up?” LOL. Personally, I find Albie’s understanding kind of reassuring for the future of the human gene pool. But, then, he is going to law school so we can assume he has some working level of intelligence.

Not to mention he’s a total slab of beefcake…

I’m guessing Dr. Mano-cock-as lost Nina’s card because she’s still with shvitzing Stevie. There’s nothing like an unmarried, unhappy couple going out with some happily married couples to speed along a breakup. Nina and Stevie are trying to spend an evening of bonhomie with Jacqueline and Theresa and their respective spouses. All that marital bliss is definitely casting a glow over Steve that highlights his receding hairline and shiny forehead. Suddenly, there’s trouble in paradise, and Nina wants to dump him like an ice cold potato. Jacqueline and Theresa hustle their impetuous friend outside before she can embarrass the entire party, which is entirely too bad. Instead, of watching drinks getting tossed back and forth before Stevie inevitably storms off, we have to listen to Nina kvetching: things have changed; he doesn’t answer his phone; he doesn’t want to get laid blah, blah, blah. There’s not a woman alive who hasn’t heard this litany before. Clearly, Nina isn’t a fast learner. By the time they’ve reached their mid-twenties, most women would be able to recognize the signs of waning interest. At forty-five, Nina’s still pondering why shvitzing Stevie could possibly want to hang out with Juicy Joe when she has “the pussy”.

Of course, shvitzing Stevie could be more of a bear man than a cat man.

Theresa and Gia have the new ‘non-pageant’ comp cards and they’ve successfully found their way back to the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency. It’s looking a little grim as Mother Bird peruses through the first few photos. Thankfully, a few improved photos, combined with an entire camera team, moves Mother Bird to force her beak into an approving smile and extend an offer of work.

Remember, the early bird gets the worm.

Totally pumped from Gia’s awesome interview at the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency, Theresa heads over to Jacqueline’s house to share the news. Jacqueline greets her at the door, and wistfully tells us that all she wants is to have a drama free day. Yeah, right. Between the Soprano knock offs that she’s married into and the ex crackwhore stripper that she’s befriended the only peace that she’s going to find is through a hefty prescription dosage. Sure enough, it takes about three minutes before Nina calls and whines her way into an invitation to come over and suck all the life out of the house.

I knew you would be too nice to tell me to go away and I really wanted an audience.

Nina must have been parked outside when she called, because it takes her an entire minute to reach the door. The high school memories this overwrought woman brings back. Or maybe not. I can’t ever remembering needing my friends to “make it okay to break up” with anyone. Nina whimpers and whines about the impossibility of spending her life with someone who’s 20 years younger than her, while Jacqueline and Theresa stare back at her with that glazed look usually reserved for really persistent drunken uncles.

Theresa’s not buying into Nina’s romantic tale of woe. After all, since shvitzy Steve has been snuggling up to Juicy Joe he’s been telling them a different story. Forget the romance, according to Steve, the whole relationship boils down to a routine blowjob.

Then she got all that botox, so what was he supposed to do?

Nina finally whines her way out the door leaving her audience limp with exhaustion. Jacqueline fervently thanks God that she’s gone and Theresa shares the rumors about Jacqueline stealing husbands and stripping, but, hey, we’ll save that for next week. I can’t wait. It will be the first time I actually get to post a housewife’s mugshots!

Well, Gasmi, that’s it for this week. At this point, it seems safe to say that the Jersey hos are a hit. Sadly, not everybody is happy for them.

I’m pretty sure Lady B is telling the Manzos to kiss her grits.

Hugs,

Yenta