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We have a new girl, we have a new girl in da house! I am so excited, I’m positively giddy! I have so many questions for Ms. Morgan. Is she really a huge whore just like Teresa said she is? Was it fun banging Max? How big is little Max? Is it cut or is it more Europeenne? How much did LuLu pay her to tell her Max story in front of Kelly? AND did they have a threesome with LuLu bringing up the rear? I’m also saluting Ms. deLippityDippityDoo again this week, my loves. I know my place as a commoner and since I only bow in the pursuit of earning fine joorey, this will have to do. And my nails are purple! The color of royalty!
It’s nobility, not royalty, by the way. I never hear her correct anybody on THAT little fact.
This week’s show was bursting with so much juiciness and bloodletting that I didn’t know if I was watching Bravo or Spartacus. I had to squint my eyes and check the channel a few times and had Mr. McSlore pinch me when things got really ferocious. It turns out that pinching leads to other *ahem* stuff, so it took me about three days to watch the show. Those younger men, you simply cannot control their unrepentant desires! Just ask LuLu, if you can get her head out of new girl Sonja’s ass for two seconds.
I have also taken an interest in reading these nags’ awful Bravo blogs. Good God, why bother? They are all about selling stuff and making excuses. And Teresa? That girl needs some schooling. Maybe she should enroll in elementary school with Melania or get some PR 102 lessons fron Leather.
DON’T CALL WOMEN YOU DON’T KNOW “WHORE.”
Unless you’re a recapper. Then you can call them anything you want. I’m going to refer to Teresa as a knuckle dragging vacuous persnickity nincompoop. It has a nice ring to it. She needs to get a hobby of her own, just like Jill. I hear that the circus lost the last of their Mexican wolf people. She should fill out an application!
She could be in the Weekly World News!
Nah, we don’t want Jill getting jealous and demanding a spread of her own. What would the title of that story be?
Basset Hound Mates With Chupacabra, Terrorizes Brooklyn Fashion Week!
But let’s get back to the new ho, shall we? I’m so in love with her. She’s the embodiment of all that is sacred and holy in the timeless pantheon of wealthy and shameless gold diggers. She’s so comfortable in her own filthy rich skin that even LuLu doesn’t get to her. Plus, she’s divorced and discovering the joys of sex with men that aren’t 80 years old. The girl practically oozes lube and replacement hormone therapy. The notches on that bedpost alone must read like a ‘Who’s Who’ of New York’s most handsome and fuckable.
“Let’s see. I’m done with the M’s, time to move on to the N’s!”
She can’t help but look at the camera half the time because she just loves, loves, loves it. As an added bonus, she’s flipping cross eyed! I almost died!
Wait. IS she looking at the camera?
I have a friend with a lazy eye. She’s lived with it forever and it doesn’t bother her when people stare or try to figure out which eye to look at. She actually exaggerates this feature when someone seems particularly confused by it. This may be the reason why I can’t help cracking up every damn time Sonja is on screen. Plus, her intro was genius on a whole other level. She serves up a dollop of the hussy and throws in every come hither gesture known to man since the dawn of civilisation.
Lock up your men, Manhattan. Not even the gays are safe!
She loves men, men, sex, men, and more sex. She’s the kind of unapologetic nympho that men dream about. All you have to do is catch one of her eyes and she’ll be on her back with her legs up in the air reciting the Declaration of Independence in bawdy French.
I bring up that esteemed document because she was married to an ancient American blue blooded codger. She had a kid with him, got divorced, cashed her settlement check and supplemented her cougar prowling with botox and some upper lip plumping.
She refers to herself in the third person, saying she’s the “straw that stirs the drink.” She’s also the witch that stirs the cauldron if her appearance at the Kodak event later on in this episode is any indication. She knocked out two housewives in five minutes AND got Jill’s green eyed monster pacing in her brain like a caged animal. Like I said, I’m in love. She’s that great.
And look, she took LuLu shopping! How sweet.
She says that she can’t understand why other divorcees don’t talk about sex. When I heard that, my eyes went immediately skyward in the hopes that she rats out LuLu and the bedroom shenanigans she’s been hiding all these years. Will Sonja do it? Will she be the straw that shoots peas at LuLu’s hypocritical facade?
Will she sleep with only one busboy tonight, or all six?
I must bring myself back down to earth and recount some of this week’s happenings before this recap turns into a freaking Shakespearean sonnet. I better watch myself. I used to love Jill too. I really hope that she doesn’t disappoint me on that kind of terrible level. It could happen, this we know.
LuLu is making a housecall to Ms. Morgan’s palatial townhouse to pick up some clothing for the benefit she’s promoting. She’s greeted by the French housekeeper Nell, who goes off to fetch our heroine so that she can saunter down her staircase and make a proper entre into her new housewives family.
She’s tiny and tells LuLu that she would have done her nails only she just got back from her weekend at an all-you-can-eat yoga instructor buffet. She probably left a couple of her acrylics in swami Sumeet’s backside.
LuLu cases the joint and notices a picture of Max that just so happens to be displayed on a side table in the hallway. Gee, how did that get there? It turns out that Sonja met Kelly’s old flirty Eurotrash date on his first day in NYC just outside the Equinox gym. That’s funny. I thought that all the action happened in the men’s locker rooms.
That Max sure gets around. A gigilo has to earn his supper, no? I wonder if these rich bitches pass their used boytoys around and share the wealth. I bet there’s a little black book in Sonja’s desk with pretty gold stars next to the names of ski instructors and struggling male actors that have passed through town.
LuLu interviews that Sonja is a “sexy pistol,” that she loves men and parties, is vivacious and a little crazy but that’s what she loves about her. Well, that and her $$$$$$$$. She gets a vicarious thrill from Sonja’s antics and probably hopes to be included in the gigilo time share that she has established over the past five years. She is going to be kissing this new girl’s ASS. Trust me.
They head upstairs to go through the clothing that Sonja has set aside for the benefit and we learn that Ms. Morgan has a closet for every locale she visits, including Miami, Palm Beach and Colorado.
I do that too! How weird. I have one for picking up after the dogs, one for slicing into the woods at Manikiki Golf Club and one for when I really want to dress up, like when I window shop at Beachwood Mall. We’re practically related!
Only I don’t eye-fuck cameramen.
One of these gals needs to teach her to stop looking at the camera all the time. It has this nasty effect of killing the reality of the situation, not to mention the poor cameraman who’s about to get raped upstairs in Colorado.
She gets Nelly on the phone and has her throw the clothes she picked out into the elevator. LuLu is so impressed. SHE didn’t have an elevator at HER townhouse. It would have made sneaking around with construction workers so much easier, not to mention that she could finally re-enact her favorite scene from Fatal Attraction.
They drag the pile back into Sonja’s bedroom where Sonja talks LuLu into letting her host the event since she can fit a couple hundred in her house, easy. Any more than that and she’ll have to open the second floor. Jeebus, how huge is her home? Does she live in the Javitts Center or what?
Whatever. I’m sure that more than that have been through her bedroom alone.
They go through her unwanted designer duds and find a Chanel suit with the tags still on it. $3,100, which isn’t much, really. Not in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t have interlocking ‘C’s’ all over it either, so I’d be surprised if they got half that amount from any of these label whores.
LuLu seems super stoked to be rifling around in all the unwanted ‘co-chur’ that Sonja is giving away. She is so excited that she let’s her true intentions slip. When Sonja says that she’s glad to be rid of it since she wants to move on with less stuff, LuLu says good, “maybe we’ll get a new outfit out of it.”
Hell, she’s invited, right? We all know that’s French Nobility Speak for FREE.
In a much humbler location, Jill is having pizza with Bawby and chatting about the terrible ambush she had to endure at Ramona’s. I started out this week wanting to give Jill a second chance and she pretty much ruins it right off the bat by saying that she’s still suffering shell shock from all the pain she had to go through. She even says that she’s “damaged.”
If I had said anything like that in front of Mr. McSlore, he would have rolled his eyes and then handed me a bus ticket back to Akron. I’d be earning fine joorey the old fashioned way while you read this. Meaning a jay oh bee instead of bee jay, in case you were wondering.
She asks Bawby what was in the letter that Bethenny left at Ramona’s for Jill to give to him. She swears she didn’t read it. Good heavens, woman! Can’t you get through a single scene without lying? If you believe that Jill didn’t devour every word of that note then you are in even worse denial than she is. You probably believe the crap she wrote in her blog about wanting to talk in the bedroom off camera with Miss B, too.
Bawby’s such a mensch. He tells her that she only had nice things to say and you can tell that he misses her and he wants them to kiss & make up. Bethenny apologised and told him that she would have called if she had known the extent of his illness. So, that takes cancer out of the fued equation, no? Common sense would dictate that, so I’m gonna guess no.
He tells Jill that she should cherish her friends, it’s hard to throw people out of your life like that. She corrects him and says it’s easy to throw people out, it’s hard to build relationships. Oh, the irony of her saying that humdinger, but this is what you get when you spout homilies and put yourself above the simplistic moralising that you are trying to force down our throats and make a quick buck off of at Barnes & Noble.
Bawby tells Jill that he can tell that Bethenny misses her and all Jill has to say is, “She didn’t write ME a letter.”
No, ass. She SPOKE TO YOU ABOUT IT.
I am growing weary of waiting for Jill to get her head out of her superior size 1(HAHAHA) ass. She should listen to Bawby when he tells her to forgive. All she will do is say that she plans on being polite in the future. After the Brooklyn fashion show, of course.
Oh Bawby. You got all the sense in the family, that’s for sure. Maybe YOU should have written the book.
Secrets of a Jewish ATM Machine.
We’re back at South Street Seaport with Bethenny again this year. And once again the only person to show up and support her is Alex. This is the part of the show where I take a deep breath and can feel myself physically relax a bit. Do you feel like that too, Gasmii? Do you feel the calming hand of sanity whenever Angular Alex fills up your screen?
She and Simon used to grate on me so badly. I can hardly remember what that was like anymore. It’s nice to see the lovable eccentrics grow more comfortable with the cameras with each passing episode and lose the awful social climbing patina that they got painted with early on.
It’s weird to see all the people staring at them and flashbulbs popping as the cameras cover Alex and Bethenny chat about her non-visit with her Dad and the dreaded ambush convo with Jil.
Dude. You can watch it on Bravo with the rest of us. Save your memory card for catching LuLu with sailors during Navy Week.
I love Navy Week in New York, but that’s a story for another day. Men, men, men! It’s a veritable sausage fest fit for a countess or an Upper East Side modern-day Katherine the Great. It’s like Cougar Spring Break for types like LuLu and Sonja.
The Jaw tells Alex that her Dad resents her because her Mom took her away from him when she was four. It sounds like he’s an old bastard that associates the poor girl with whatever hate he feels for her Mom and just can’t grow up and let it go, not even on his death bed. She’s better off without him and I hope she realises that.
She won’t be in town for Alex’s fashion show in Brooklyn and it’s just as well. She’s been through enough with Jill. She doesn’t need to be subjected to any more of her vile behaviour. She can stand back and watch her dig her own grave on television and not have to waste anymore tears.
She calls the drama she went through with Jill “nonsense.” I couldn’t agree more. Jill got jealous and began the season with a seek and destroy agenda where Bethenny is concerned. I’m still amazed that Mama Zarin would think that we viewers would fall for it. How stupid does she think we are? I’m willing to bet that the Bravo audience is way smarter than say, the CW’s. She should know that by now. I mean, come on! A size 1? How? Is Ally being nice and snipping off the other ’1′ on her size 11 dress labels?
Oh, look. A REAL size 1.
This next bit runs the gamut from the absurd to the sublimely inconceivable. First of all, what the hell is LuLu doing in a freaking rickshaw in Central Park? Is she trying to relive the heady days of French occupation of Indo-China?
Or is she just there to give head to a Chinaman?
The guy does look pretty stoked. I bet his face fell right quick when he realised that the beej was his payment.
She’s meeting Jill for a little constitutional around the fountain and a Zarin lesson in atonement. You see, LuLu wants to give a sweat lodge a try, she wants to release the impurities she’s stored up from swallowing instead of spitting and from all those years of breathing next to a sweaty deoderant-less Frenchman.
Jill tells her, now that you mention it, that’s exactly what SHE’S doing- on a spiritual level, of course. It’s Yom Kippur and to hear her tell it, all she has to do with that whole ‘making amends’ thing is theoretically forgive everyone that’s wronged her, leaving her free to start anew. Not once did she mention that she might have some forgiveness to be praying for, or any confession of sins.
This is the holiest day of the year for most practicing Jews and if you are not familiar with the religion, just know this; what you do during these High Holy Days determines the fate that God will bestow upon you in the coming year. If you don’t clean house now, you are in for a world of hurt. Unreal, right?
Careful you don’t trip on all that irony. That’s one hell of a fall.
Maybe I should convert from Episcopalian because what we are witnessing now with all the bad deeds revisiting Jill’s Karma is uncanny. Somebody wasn’t happy when Jill said that she’s trying to be the bigger person and let go of her resentments against Bethenny.
Actions, Jill. Prove it. Enough with the words.
We all know that she’s a liar now, what else is she lying about, to quote a certain russet haired fabric scion? Whatever, let’s move on to LuLu’s love life. She’s seeing someone and he’s young and French. His name starts with a ‘J’ just like the psychic said, and they aren’t exclusive yet so Jill can feel free to keep trying to set her up.
She already tried to pair her with an old guy but LuLu went above and beyond even Jill’s wildest expectations and found herself a nice Jewish boy. I thought that Jill was going to have a fit of joy, and she’s probably reserved a place for LuLu right next to her for Gloria’s annual Yahrtzeit.
Don’t be mad at me for that one. I’m not the only one that thinks she looks like she’s already embalmed!
Another surprise is in store when they both agree that Count Ugula would have a freaking heart attack if he knew that LuLu was dating a Jew. WHAT? Is he a racist pig? No wonder LuLu didn’t have a chance to become all buddy buddy with Jill until this season. Gross! Somebody punch him in the throat for me the next time you catch him trying to pass out sub-prime mortgages to the poor in third world countries. What a nasty anti-semitic jerk. What a scummy elitist prig.
Don’t laugh. YOU married the guy. It’s not like you didn’t know.
Jill tells her that Jewish guys make the best husbands but something tells me that a spouse is not exactly what LuLu is looking for at the moment, My Love. She’s in the market for something a little less permanent and a lot less restrictive. They go back to wandering around beautiful Central Park with Jill remarking on it’s resemblance to Sherwood Forest.
Take a wild guess what boots Robbin’ Whore is wearing.
Up in her sprawling condo, Ramona is running around in lingerie, popping open Champagne and trying to arrange herself alluringly on her beautiful couch. It’s like something out of a Marx Brothers movie, it’s so awkward. It also reminds me of Cher trying to be sexy for her Friend of Dorothy in Clueless. So wrong. Slapstick at it’s best.
Mario comes home and Hello! What guy doesn’t want to come home to a romantic scene straight out of a Danielle Steel novel? Who doesn’t love the sound of glasses clinking together and flesh straining against the finest non-Brooklyn silk satin?
This guy. That’s who.
He hugs her and tells her that she looks hot, probably expecting some decent nookie after they exchange some tarty banter for the cameras. Instead, she says that they’re lucky that they’re still attracted to each other and she wants to renew their vows. Penis deflate, anyone?
Sorry, but guys don’t usually go for that stuff, Donn Gunvalson excluded. Mario looks freaked out and leans waaaay back away from her for a minute. He wants to know exactly what this renewal stuff is all about and the reason why she wants to do it. She’s says that things have changed now that Avery is growing up and you could see him visibly relax.
He says okay, as long as she thinks that things have changed in a good way, he’s cool with it. That was a bit strange, huh Gasmii? Didn’t he look like he thought she was going in a completely different direction? Maybe I’m reading too much into it but it seemed to me that he was hiding something, and not body bags. A mistress, perhaps. I hope I’m wrong. I hope that he’s just as commited as Crazy Eyes wants.
And she keeps on acting like she needs to be.
It’s time for Brooklyn Fashion Weekend! What a whirlwind this is going to be. All that preparation and organisation, I don’t know how Alex does it.
Or how Derek doesn’t split his pants.
Alex says that it took a lot of stress and work to get there, no doubt partially due to the other women. Backstage is all models and mayhem and then in walks Ramona with the designer Loris, a bottle of Pinot Grigio, glasses and a corkscrew. Uh oh. Roll out the straight jacket!
She pours a glass for each of them, they toast and she says that she hopes that she doesn’t embarrass him on the runway.
Oh, honey. Don’t sell yourself short. You are about to become LEGENDARY.
I think Loris is counting on her craziness. More press, right? He doesn’t seem the least bit worried. Meanwhile, Alex gets caught with her hair half done while being interviewed about the show.
“Oh, this little ‘do? I wear something similar when me and Simon play ‘Sid and Nancy.’ Guess which one of us is Nancy.”
Ramona is getting buzzed and decides to practice her runway walk. It’s awful and Loris tells her to just relax and pretend she’s about to ravage (ravish?) Mario. She says that she already did that earlier and then pretends to be coy by shushing the girl next to her. She’s definitely the life of the backstage party.
Gee, I wonder who might be jealous of all this attention?
Why, speak of the devil! Up walks Jill juggling her purse and coat and judging the proceedings as soon as she sets foot on Brooklyn soil. Her guns are blazing and she starts out by trashing the trash. No, not the people, although she doesn’t think very highly of them either, the literal trashbags that you can barely see behind the fence in this screen grab-
I mean, how dare there be trash outside on a sidewalk in New York, right? That never happens. In Manhattan the garbage fairy comes and removes it with a flicker of her rubbish vanishing magic wand, you know. What a bunch of losers these outer borough people are.
She goes on to say how low rent the entire affair is and misguidedly defends her uninvited friend LuLu by saying that she wouldn’t be caught dead there anyway, she would never ever ever go to anything Silex would be involved with. Why, she would have pulled up in her rickshaw, taken a gander and told the driver, I mean peddler, to keep on going.
Please. When was the last time we saw LuLu with a driver? The only time that I can remember was when Bethenny paid for it and she told her to introduce her to her driver as Countess, not LuAnn. And I understand that Jill would want to defend her friend, it’s just not a good idea to do so by putting down others. Especially when the person you are defending treats everyone around her like a steaming hot pile of Aston or Martin’s finest defecatory emissions.
She skips the red carpet (bitch! thanks for your show of support!) and heads straight backstage to grant a phony hello to Leather. She says “Hiiiii,” in that high pitched nasal whine of hers and then Kelly immediately asks her not to send her anymore shitty passive/aggressive emails, saying that she doesn’t understand why Jill would be mad at her.
Jill tells her that she’s paranoid, the classic defence of the passive/aggressive, and then goes on to make fun of her because she Twittered a kiss-ass message to Bethenny about how great it was to see her somewhere, and then calls her a hypocrite.
Well, the jokes on her because she missed the point. It’s in Kelly’s rules of PR and this one is lesson 102- kill them with compliments. Smile, tell them their dress is pretty and then move on once you’ve deflected the situation. Now everything is hunky dorey between her and Miss B and Jill just stands there and doesn’t apologise. Instead, she says “Oh. I didn’t know.” That’s right, sweetie. You don’t know everything.
Even this guy knows it.
Ramona walks up to them, all dressed up and ready to go. Someone’s jealous of all the attention her friend is getting so she does what any mature person would do, she demeans her appearance and tries to throw her off her game so she’ll be extra nervous when she walks down the runway.
With friends like these…..
She starts off by telling her that her aquamarine necklace doesn’t match her outfit which is completely stupid since Ramona is wearing ALL BLACK. Then she whispers in Kelly’s ear that she’s well aware that the jewelry that Ramona is wearing is from her True Faith collection, and poor Ramona doesn’t know that she knows, how droll!
Then she moves on to telling Ramona that her bra is showing and her excuse for doing this is that she’s helping her, Gasmii. They’re backstage and she just wants to make sure that Ramona looks her best. She starts in on her eye make-up and this is right around the time that I realise that Jill needs a ‘Don’t Do That’ guy, a friend that will rein her comments in when she’s gone too far. A real friend would do that, and a real friend would call bullshit on what she said in her blog about this entire evening-
‘I don’t remember anything regarding the fashion show.’
What is she, a politician? Does she have a single fan left that isn’t related to her? If you’re still on the fence, have a look at her face after she insults Ramona again once she realises that Mario didn’t show up to see his “hot, sexy wife.”
What else did Jill say in her blog?
Oh, that’s right. She’s the happiest she’s ever been.
And certainly not jealous.
Nope, looking perfectly happy to me.
Poor Simon ushers her to her seat next to him in the front row. I have to give him credit for behaving like a complete gentleman even as the Zarin Monster was critiquing his own wife’s perfectly good runway walk, right to his face. If she were a man, she’d be nursing some broken bones right now. Hell. I’d do it for him if he doesn’t want to mess up his manicure.
Here comes round 2 of the nitpicking as the show begins. The chairs are uncomfortable, she’s too overdressed in the frock that Loris was kind enough to loan to her even though she didn’t lift a finger to promote him. She points out a skirt that doesn’t fit and slowly morphs into a Debbie Downer of epic proportions.
Isn’t she aware that this is a benefit for new ‘diamond in the rough’ talent? Nobody said it was going to be couture. Dumb cow. Just wait until these people you criticize make it big. Good luck getting in THAT front row. She likes the chains on one of the dresses, though. Maybe she can buy the size 1 sample and wear it in bed for LuLu that night.
Cuz it’s only sweats for Bawby!
Kelly is the first of the girls to come out and her walk is better suited for sportswear. Her walk is manly and the dress she’s wearing does nothing to camouflage her linebacker shoulders. But, hey. She showed up for a good cause and didn’t complain or pull a diva moment and ask to get her dress changed. More power to her.
And she toned down her Smomping!
Her oldest daughter is in the front row and she looks thrilled to see Mommy working it on the runway, and that’s all that matters. Next up is Alex and she comes out with a little of that try-hard intensity. Then she starts to walk and I can totally see how she sould be a good model. Her eyes are perfect- they’re one half piercing fierceness and one half dominatrix in the dungeon. Simon looks like he just popped a boner while looking at her.
I hope you guys got a babysitter tonight, it’s time to break out the good nipple clamps.
Fucking Jill has to try and ruin his moment of pride by barking at Simon to tell her to slow down. How’s he supposed to do that, Jill? He doesn’t have psychics on call like you do, nor is Alex his puppet awaiting direction like LuLu does with you.
Jill says in interviews that she expected more from Alex because she used to be a model, says she looks like she’s channeling the devil and THEN she says that she has the body but not the face! What? So, let me get this right- Ramona is the one who needs to edit what she says because she speaks before she thinks? Atone, Jill, atone. At least Alex has a chin and she doesn’t demean her friends. Fancy that!
Besides, I thought Alex’s walk was great. Her turn at the end was gorgeous and she had just the right amount of spice without going over the top into cheesy glam territory. And Jill read her face wrong. This isn’t her mean, serious face.
It’s her ‘Don’t listen to the well-meaning morons’ one.
I feel bad for Ramona because we all know about the cringe worthy moment that’s about to go down. She’s in the back getting more and more nervous, fretting over her place in line and trying to calm down by taking big breaths. If you have a fear of public speaking, you know exactly how she feels- panic attack!
I’ll spare you the gif that I already ran at the very beginning of the season and instead, I want to show you all a screen grab of her best come hither Mario ravaging non-eye popping gaze at the end of the runway. It’s positively inspirational!
You’re never too old to renew the crazy, Gasmii!
Remember the above dictum if you have a Jill in your life that is trying to bring you down, and I have to say one more thing in Ramona’s defence. Yeah, everyone was laughing at her. Yeah, watching her walk was hysterical and insane, but you know what? That same hysterical insanity brought a lot of attention to this show. Millions of people have seen that gif and if only a small percentage buy something from one of the designers because of it, hell, she did what she was asked to do. So, yay Ramona! Never change. They were lucky to have you and they know it.
Backstage, Simon tells his wife how wonderful she looked and gives her a big hug and kiss, whispeing in her ear that he’d like her to use the big paddle on him tonight, but where is Jill? Shouldn’t she be laughing in Ramona’s face or looking down her nose at the furniture some more?
Nope, she left. She said that she didn’t know where anyone was but that’s a blatant lie. She sure found the backstage area before the show when she could do the most damage. What happened? Did they move it while Jill was gagging on her own witty observations? My guess is that most of the press left and all the cameras were focused on the women who were asked to walk in the show. Jill needed to get home and stick pins in her Bethenny voodoo doll in-between spoon feeding Bawby, of course.
Our little vignette of the week has Kelly taking Simon shopping for a new outfit. In her opinion he dresses for attention, good taste be damned, but he ends up with a ridiculously over-styled outfit of her choosing. Brilliant! Simon eats up the attention, throwing his pants at her and running around blinding everyone with his pasty legs.
It’s silly fun but we do learn where Frankie and Johnny get their rambunctuous spirit. Like father, like son. I just hope that they inherit a little more melanin and a little less flare for freaky fashion. With names like theirs, they don’t need to be giving the kids at school any more reasons to pick on them.
God, I hope that they’re home schooled.
Speaking of kiddies, it’s time for Bethenny’s home pregnancy test re-enactment! She accomplishes this with startling authenticity, right down to the boney butt on the toilet.
What, no close-up of the urine stream?
It’s positive, as we all know by now, and she gets right on the phone to call Jason with the good news. He’s not as good an actor and he doesn’t answer. Also not a good thespian is her friend Stephanie who tells her to go on living her life just like she was before she found out she was pregnant. She musters about as much enthusiasm as I have for bad bunker shots or Zarin sleepovers. Talk about anti-climactic.
Bethenny’s bathroom is incredibly empty too. Did she already move her stuff out? What girl has that much unused counter space by the sink? Chastity Bono? Oh wait, she’s a he now. Um, Eskimos? Fuck, they don’t even HAVE sinks. They have a hole in the ice that smells like blubber.
Not unlike your cootchie in a couple weeks.
Anyhoodle, I’m happy for her and I hope the baby is gorgeous and smart and well loved. I hope that Bethenny’s milk is plentiful and she doesn’t freak about the baby weight. I can see the baby food book at the printers already, can’t you? You can’t really call it ‘Skinny Infant’ though, can you?
I don’t know what she could call it but she should totally thank Jill in her introduction. Say something like, ‘To Jill Zarin- without you and all the good Karma I earned by putting up with you, the amazing success I enjoy would never have been possible.’ Nah, she’s got too much class. That’s more like something LuLu or Jill herself would do.
But first we have to join them at another event where Jill picks up another paycheck for doing nothing but run her trap while showing off what a Diamond Saks card will buy you in a *cough* size 1. She’s shilling for Kodak’s new website this evening, which is the company’s last ditch effort to hold on to a market decimated by digital.
LuLu arrives in yet another purple frock, this time by her good friend Catherine Malandrino. Internship, here you come, Victoria.
She tells Jill that she’s invited her friend Sonja along and I cannot wait for her to show up. Jill’s jealousy face kicks in almost immediately, especially after she hears about Sonja’s beautiful townhouse on the Upper East Side. She needs to get that green eyed monster more under control, doncha think?
Someone might get the wrong idea.
It gets worse. LuLu tells her that she has a house in the Hamptons and is a great party goer and thrower. “How come I don’t know her?” asks Jill. Damn, there’s that huge ego. I wonder if she’s scared that the new girl will steal her thunder. We already know that she likes to keep Ramona, the only other really rich girl, beneath her where she belongs. How is she going to react to another even wealthier gal trodding on her turf?
Kelly arrives, followed by Ramona and a dour looking blonde. I don’t know if that girl is there to chaperone Ramona’s mouth but if she is, she sure did a crappy job of it. Before we get into all the digs and insults, let’s all remember for a moment what Jill did to Ramona before HER big moment at the fashion show. What Ramona is about to do isn’t nearly as bad in my book. Not even close.
First off, she tells Jill that her jewelry got picked up by Bloomingales. Score one for Ramona. Then she asks Jill why she’s shilling for a company with one foot in the grave, like Kodak. Jill tells her that she’s wrong, she’s Shill after all, she’s going to defend anyone that pays the Diamond card bills, but Ramona knows that the numbers don’t add up. The stock isn’t the giant that it used to be which Jill blames on the economy and says they’re are switching over from film to some kind of super fast website.
What does that even mean? You can download your photos super fast? Whatever, Ramona is just being confrontational and treating Jill exactly like Jill treated her in Brooklyn. Tough shit. Jill didn’t have to go and call her a moron. But why am I not surprised.
Ramona brings up the fashion show and tries to explain how nerve wracking it was for her, as Jill’s face fills with momentary glee. She tells Ramona that she didn’t mean to snub her after the show, then lies and tells her that she did great. What is up with these women? Don’t you know that all your bullshit and lies will come out at the reunion? You might as well tell the truth. She’s going to have a bad reaction either way.
Kelly decides to join in and talks down to Ramona for daring to expect a pat on the back when she obviously did so terribly. Is it so freaking hard to be nice to a friend? More shit flies around over how hysterical Jill thinks it is that Ramona is now BFFs with Alex and then LuLu waltzes up and we’re right back on the boat on Labor Day with a full-on attack on Ramona.
Out of nowhere Jill tells her that she insulted her and she insulted Kodak and she thinks she should leave. What’s she going to do, get security? Have LuLu and Leather strong-arm her? You would think that these women would know enough to follow their own advice. Don’t antagonise Crazy Eyes, you will lose every time.
Not to mention, why invite her in the first place? You know that there’s a chance that she will go crackers, it’s the risk you take when you associate with her. If you want to gamble that she’ll save a seat for you on that spaceship she’ll have up and running before global warming decimates all the silk worms and fine furs that furnish your closet, you have to pay the price. Quit complaining.
Kelly gets it next with Ramona commenting on the fact that she isn’t wearing a hemline up to her horsey hiney for a change. Leather interrupts her and tells her to have some discretion because this is how Jill makes a living. How is Ms. Zarin going to buy all that Louis Vuitton luggage she has on layaway at Saks, especially now that she isn’t going to sell as many books since she obliterated her reputation by treating Bethenny like shit?
They go back and forth over who has a brain and who doesn’t, whether or not Kelly is a businesswoman on par with Crazy Eyes and then once again, LuLu joins in and the two of them tower over her like the dead kings over Frodo in Lord of the Rings. No wonder she lashes out.
I know that Ramona is out for blood but this ganging up shit has got to stop. There is nothing worse or impolite than putting your two cents in where it wasn’t wanted or requested, LULU.
As a matter of fact, it’s downright ugly.
Ick. Ramona tells LuLu that she doesn’t have an argument with her and then she walks away. That was gross. I hate how Jill unfairly gets other people to fight her battles so that she looks like the wounded party without ever having to be the bad guy. Vile, right? Yikes.
Who cares, though. Sonja has arrived in all her petite glory! She meets Jill who asks her if her belt is by Judith Leiber. “Nope, it’s Chanel,” she says while swaying and smiling and searching every nook and cranny of the room with her crossed eyes for eligible men and Page Six photographers.
“I’m sorry, what’s your name? I was too busy eye fucking that potted fern across the room.’
Jill interviews that her first impression of Sonja was that she’s really pretty. Um, no you don’t, you think that you are way prettier than her. Don’t pretend. If you really thought that she was pretty, you wouldn’t have acted defensive and said, “I do, I swear.” And I do. I swear that Jill said that.
Jill runs off to cut the size tag out of her dress and then LuLu brings up Sonja’s friendship with Max in front of a confused Leather. Sonja recounts how she was the first cougar to devour and de-flower him in Manhattan and goes on to shamelessly say that they had a weekly ‘thing’ until something better came along and she had to let him go.
LuLu can barely contain her delight in watching Kelly’s face fall. I don’t know what makes her happier, the fact that Kelly got Sonja’s sloppy seconds
or that there’s finally a bigger slut than her on this show.
Really, her ribald throaty laugh was surreal in it’s evil delight. I thought that she was going to start crying she was laughing so hard. Poor Kelly just stands there looking more and more uncomfortable, like this is all a big nightmare that she wants to wake up from. She’s doing that chomping thing with her mouth again, only this time she’s not smiling, she is in full-on frowning. Poor Leather. This has got to suck.
Fromping just doesn’t have the same ring to it, either. Super duper unbelievable amazingly sad.
I was beginning to feel really bad for her when she tries to do damage control and say that she knows lots of Max’s, she wasn’t sure which one they were talking about for a minute. She knew damn well who they were talking about. LuLu already brought him up once before in the Hamptons, remember Kelly?
Why DID LuLu bring him up in the Hamptons? Did he rebuff her advances at some point, pissing her off royally and leaving her plotting her revenge? It would make sense in light of how much joy she gets from the entire situation. Seriously, why else would she care? God, she’s gross.
She then interviews that Kelly was embarrassed by the fact that Max has been around the block a few times and all I can say is, honey, YOU’VE been around the entire ISLAND several times already, so shut yer trap.
Jill rejoins them wanting to talk trash about Ramona with the new girl. Sonja has known Crazy Eyes for years and tells a doozy of a story about Ramona stealing a dress from her at the Badgely Mischka sample sale. She took it from Sonja, lied that she was just going to try it on, and then Sonja caught her paying for it at the cashier’s.
Hey, didn’t Ramona just donate that dress? Maybe Sonja can get LuLu to steal it back for her. Everybody wins! Charity benefits are great!
Jill loves that little story. She’s all giddy with delight again. She almost forgot that she was jealous for a moment. Oh heavens. It’s okay. There’s still plenty of time for more Sonja envy. We’re only halfway into the season, after all. I’ve got bells on, myself. Tee hee!
Ramona says hello to her old friend of 20 years and they admire each other’s Chanel outfits. Promises are made to catch up and I cannot wait to tag along on her and Sonja’s next luncheon. I hope Ms. Morgan invites Max. Either that or her gynecologist. Neither would surprise me.
As Jill is thanking everyone for attending, *snooooooze*, Ramona goes up to Kelly and gets in her face again. I have no idea what she was going to say because Leather interrupts her and then walks away when Ramona asks her to shut up for a minute.
Jill is on stage looking pretty uncomfortable herself as they bicker below her like unruly children, then Ramona stomps out of the room and everyone helps Kelly look on the floor for her brain. Poor Jill. She interviews that Ramona deliberately sabotaged her Kodak moment. What was that famous slogan of theirs again?
Ah, yes. ‘Share moments. Share life.’
Or in Jill’s case, Ra-moments, and strife.
Next week is going to be a blast. Avery makes an appearance and Sonja gives Kelly sex advice and then Jill walks out on Bethenny. It must be that new polite tactic she promised Bawby that she was going to take with her. Oh, joy. I hope that Mr. McSlore doesn’t have to pinch me too much!
Love and Kisses,