Ah, love affairs. The wonderful, joyous and delectable item known as love.Some affairs last a lifetime while others are only meant to last a few months. Some flings serve to brighten up a holiday in Tuscany or make you smile when you remember that one lusty August in Nantucket. My latest one lasted only a week! Hell, I kinda knew I spoke too soon when I declared my love for Sonja. Du-uh. We’re talking about the hausenfrau, aren’t we? They’re always playing with our emotions and stabbing us in the back with a wink and a smile. So, in honor of the great YentaPatrol (love you, wherever you are) grab your favorite beverage and a slice of cheesecake and meet me at Flippy’s house. I’ll bring the Zin and the brownies, you guys are responsible for the Triscuits. Off we go!We’ll begin with the new whore and her intro line. What did she say? Oh, yes. “I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me.” Well, I don’t want her to feel left out, so I created my own version for her too. I’m fair like that.
“I taste like luxury and luxury tastes like lube.”
I so enjoy how all these women throw their love of the finer things down our throats. YES, WE GET IT. You love designer crap and expensive watches. You’ll probably be laid to rest in a Frette lined coffin and embalmed in L’Occitane lavendar water just like Gloria.
See, you CAN take it with you!
Wasn’t that one of the stupid homilies in their book, that you shouldn’t wait until after you’re dead to spread your wealthy husband’s money around? Knowing Jill, whatever she has left after charging the Zarin fabric fortune on her Diamond Saks card will probably be bequeathed to Ginger. That tiny bugger will be laying on velvet upholstered pillows and enjoying hand feedings of steak tartare on Tiffany spoons while poor Ally will be living upstate near her teacher’s assistant job at the local community college. If she gets in. After Amazongate, she might want to enter the Witness Protection Program.
But not this episode, not yet. Thank God thiajok gave me a head’s up so I watched this episode on an empty stomach. Good lord. Also, as you know, I have been having puppy potty issues of my own lately, so no harm, no foul, but I feel sorry for those of you that don’t. Ugh, the squirts!
You see, widdle Ginger doesn’t like going to the Vet’s office so Jill arranged for a lovely lady named Dr. Cindy to make a house call. It must be a free housecall too. I think I heard Jill say her name at least five times.
“Doctor, doctor Dr. Cindy Bressler! Dr. Cindy Bressler, folks! Now where’s my Diamond Vet card?”
Dr. Cindy arrives in full hair and make-up which is kinda strange for a vet. My vet is a 60 year old Jewish guy in Willoughby. He’d look kinda strange with all those hair extentions. He’s got a bit of a schnozz and a slightly receeding chin, so he’d look pretty weird…
Dr. Solowitz, is that you?
Ginger is hiding in the bedroom and I can’t help but think that Jill is just enabling, if not downright encouraging the poor dog’s fears. Has she ever tried ignoring it or acting normal? Why does she have to fuss and baby her? She’s only making it worse.
She finally gets her into the vet’s clutches and when Ginger starts shitting all over the carpet and couch, I had to laugh. Score one for the apartment! Maybe she’ll get rid of that shitty decor now that it smells exactly how it looks. None of you Gasmii tell her about the milk trick or the vinegar one, or ammonia. (thanks again for all your help, by the way. The Persian was saved!) I hope that she never gets the smell out. It’s not like she can’t afford to redecorate. She runs with all those fabulous upholsterers, after all.
Sadly, the poop got on the Vet’s assistant’s shoe. Color me shocked when Jill actually rinses it off in the sink. Color me NOT shocked when she makes a stupid comment about being relieved that his shoes are cheap. She’s hate to have to pay to replace any non-plastic footwear, you know.
It’s bad enough she has to touch it.
Her friend Wendy arrives with her little Bichon Frise, or Maltese or YorkShihPoo or whatever the hell it is, because Jill wants to share her free vet visit, how sweet! You just know that she’ll be writing it down in Wendy’s debit column in the Zarin Power Keeping-Track-of-Points spreadsheet she keeps on her laptop. She can get to that errand when she’s done giving Alex and Bethenny’s books one star on Amazon and fapping all over LuLu’s new single.
This Wendy chick makes the dopiest faces. I think that her eyes might actually be tearing from Ginger’s rancid Pup-a-Roni farts. They showed a close-up of one of her poos (Ginger’s, not Wendy’s, but then again, who would be surprised?) and I swear it was one of those dog treats that Jill was trying to bribe Ginger with at the beginning of this scene
or Ginger has a mitochondrial digestive system.
The damn treat is as long as she is. She probably swallows it and then shoots it right back out the other side. Meanwhile, Jill’s idiot friend Wendy starts spraying perfume everywhere, probably getting it in the poor assisitant’s eyes, and why is she spraying her own dog?
Hey puppy, spray her back, if you know what I mean.
Is she being pre-emptive? Is this turning into a military operation?
Custard’s last stand.
After that big brouhaha, they find out that there is absolutley nothing wrong with Ginger. I didn’t even hear one reason why Jill needed to ask the vet to come over in the first place. It can’t be the farts. What dog doesn’t fart every once in a while? I’m going back to the free publicity for the Vet and the subsequent free care for Ginger. There’s really no other reason.
Just PLEASE. No house calls from your gyno.
No bowel issues in this next scene, instead I find myself examining Lady B’s growing boobage and baby bump. Can anybody tell yet? Were you looking at her body too? Her breasticals definitely look larger, or is it the sweater she wore on her visit to Alex’s bordello townhouse?
That pattern isn’t helping either. It’s basically pointing at her bump.
God, Silex’s home oozes sex. If you are into red/black livingrooms that look like they are decorated with lingerie, you are in the right place. If you are into state of the art kitchens that are suitable for the food porn experience of your choice, they have you covered.
And it’s all poop-free!
They get their lunch together as Bethenny voice overs how nice it is to have a low maintenance friend like Alex after the score keeping bitch she had as her previous bestie. And then, zap! She tells her she’s engaged. Alex has the reaction we were missing last week when Miss B told her ultra low key buddy Stephanie about the positive pregnancy test. She’s super happy and excited about the whole thing and she lights up like a Christmas tree.
Lady B tells her about Jason lighting candles and giving her roses on their big night. He got on one knee to propose and cried when she accepted. How wonderful and thoughtful. Could he be any more perfect?
“Not only that, Alex, but he’s environmentally conscious and green too. Look, my ring’s made of corn!”
Actually, it’s pretty huge. Jason did good. You could practically park a car on the damn thing, or skate on it if you are so inclined.
“Oh hai, Jill. I see you got a hobby.”
Don’t laugh at my terrible photoshop skills. You DO NOT want to know how long it took me to get that one picture done. Let’s just say that I could have earned that entire sapphire set that I’ve been panting over at Bidz lately. They need to pay me for the free advertising I’m giving them too. Are you listening Flipit? Make it happen, commander! My neck is sore from my usual joorey earning practises. I need a break.
Anyway, Bethenny decides that she wants to keep the pregnancy private for a while, so she doesn’t mention that news yet. Alex feels honored that she was the first person on the show to be told about her impending nuptuals, so I’m betting that she’s the first to find out about baby Hoppy too.
Last year it would have been Jill and she would have wanted to know every detail, the cut, color, clarity and most important the amount of carats. Then she would have ran her mouth about where the wedding should be held, who should cater, ad nauseum. I like this way better, how about you?
And how about a big ‘Yay’ for Jason who did his proposal off camera. I’m sure that Miss Andy was chomping at the bit to film it. You know that he totally tried to bribe her with more free advertising and an offer to hold down Jill while Bethenny swung away.
I’m also glad that Bethenny has a friend who doesn’t judge her every move, who doesn’t write down demerits because you called her three times that day instead of four. I’m glad that she and Alex can sit down for a pleasant luncheon of spinach quiche under the gaze of chummy framed photos and not Jill Zarin’s meticulously nitpicking scrutiny. That woman tries not to miss anything. She’d probably rubberneck at baby Hoppy’s briss and then offer advice to the mohel on the proper cutting technique.
And will someone give Silex some potted plants or something for the front stoop? It looks kinda bare.
Maybe they could drape some naughty fringed shawls across some wanton climbing honeysuckle. Perhaps they could use an old cat ‘o nine tails as the trellis and maybe stick some not-at-all metaphorical pussy willow stems in those vacant window boxes. Call me, I have a garden that puts Ms. Morgan’s backyard to shame.
Voila, if I do say so myself.
Back in Manhattan, Ramona and Sonja are meeting for a little lunch of their own, only theirs is taking place at a chichi restaurant where half the busboys have seen Ms. Morgan’s silk panties dangling off her ankle bones, and the other half are just waiting their turn.
They discuss how they met in the Hamptons years ago and how Ramona had an amazing figure that could stop traffic and inspire envy in the most dedicated aerobics instructor. Back in those days, it was considered to be quite a feat for a gal to have muscles. I mean, come on, it’s hard to get fit with just medicine balls and strings and pulleys, no question.
Sonja starts to relay some gossip about what the girls said after Ramona left the Kodak event but old Crazy Eyes won’t let her. She interrupts to explain that she wasn’t insulting Jill, she was just being inquisitive about her new venture. Her Kodak bashing was just an example of what an analytical mind she possesses, my dear. That’s all.
She was doing Jill a favor, really. If her Kodak endorsement fails, she can blame Ramona! Sonja says that Jill is going to help save the company and I’m starting to wonder if both these bitches aren’t from another planet. Let’s take a trip to the Kodak website and see if Jill is still featured there, shall we?
I’m back and nope, nothing. That’s strange. Mother’s Day is right around the corner and Jill has an advice book on the shelves at this very moment that was inspired by her mother. The 25% off code at Kodak’s website is LOVE4MOM. Wouldn’t this be the perfect time for a tie-in? Weird. Oh well, I’m just splitting hairs. It WAS a whole six months ago that she hosted that party with pictures of her family plastered all over the place. That’s a long time in advertising. Her absence couldn’t possibly have anything to do with how shitty her book is. No way.
Kodak had fabulous goodie bags, and that’s all that matters to these women anyway. Talk turns to Kelly, and Sonja says that she knew her from St. Barts but every time she sees her she has to be reintroduced because she never remembers. How shocking! Why, Bethenny had the same exact thing happen to her!
This may or may not be true. Think about it for a moment. Maybe Leather is, as Ramona says, one of those girls that never remembers women. Maybe so. OR maybe Sonja watched last season and she has an agenda of her own, one of making Kelly look bad. It could be either one, especially after she put two and two together over Max. She couldn’t wait to tell her about THAT.
Now if only she would put two and two together and those nasty teefs bleached.
Plus, why has LuLu been so nice to Kelly when she clearly is so jealous of her? She already knew that she had her ace in the hole and she was biding her time until she could trot Sonja out with her Max stories and leading comments. We’ll get more of that later in the Hamptons.
Sonja goes on to talk about Kelly denying any sort of relationship with Max. Who wouldn’t? He charges by the hour and fucks everything. That would be like Giorgio down at the Greek deli admitting to banging LuLu.
She says that if you got into a car with a guy that looked like Max, you’d come out of it with a relationship for sure. I don’t know, you guys. It seemed to me that the Bravo producers set Kelly up so that she wouldn’t look like a spinster on the show. When have we ever seen Leather having a genuine conversation with a potential suitor? Never. I don’t know if it’s her shitty personality or the fact that only four legged creatures find her hot. The girl just doesn’t have much sex appeal, and I think I read somewhere that Sea and Teddy are really Duggar kids that they lost track of at a reality show convention.
Speaking of being lost, why are we back in Hamptons? At first I sighed because I thought we were going to be subjected to LuLu and her bullshit about how it was the maid’s day off again. But, no. It’s a weekend morning and the amazing Smomp girls are making pancakes.
Kelly says that they go out to the island every weekend which is kinda nice. This way her girls can run around a yard and not feel confined to such a small space in the city, live like normal kids, really, only their dad is the best photographer in THE UNIVERSE. How normal can you really be when your Mom is in Playboy and your Dad is busy shooting only the bestest most gorgeous Na’vi on Pandora?
It’s breakfast time and Kelly decides to make pancakes. Why, God, why? Is she trying to show that she’s inept on at more than just photography? Does she think it’s cute to not cook? Is this another anti-Bethenny moment in the same vein as the whole fur/PETA thing?
If that’s the case, she’s a GREAT PANCAKE BURNER.
While Sea tries to keep her mother from burning the house down or worse- making them go hungry like most supermodels do, little Teddy is not speaking. Kelly asks her to set the table and she ignores her. Instead, she sketches in another one of her notebooks and jots down her running commentary on the whole pancake situation.
Holy shit, she can spell! She really must be a Duggar.
I think that she doesn’t get to see her Mom all that much and she resents the camera’s intrusion. Her little notes are actually pretty funny and I don’t blame her. If Leather was my Mom I wouldn’t want to talk either. I’d be like the little kid in ‘Corrina, Corrina,’ or signed up for the Reality Children’s Witness Protection Program alongside Ally.
Kelly thinks it’s all hysterically funny, even interviewing that if her girls had to rely on her cooking skills to survive they’d be the size of her skinny little pinky. Nice metaphor coming from someone who made her living in one of the professions with the most rampant eating disorders EVAH.
That’s okay. If they want to model someday, that pinky will come in pretty handy. For more than one purpose.
I hope that they grow up to be as calm and cool as Avery. She’s having lunch with Crazy Eyes and ordering off the menu in the coolest way possible, you know, “that thing you make with foccaccia, prociutto, ricotta cheese and truffle oil.” Hearing a child of mine say that alone would bring tears to my eyes. She even got the pronounciation right!
Aww, batshit crazy and serial killers DO cancel each other out. Who knew?
The purpose of their little lunch is so that Mama Crazy Eyes can tell Avery that she and Mario are renewing their vows and she wants her to be her maid of honor. Avery questions her mother’s reasoning since this is the 17th anniversary of her marriage, not a milestone year like the 20th when most people do it.
When you look at her face in this scene, Avery’s jaded expression leads you to believe that she thinks this vow renewal is strictly for the show. I’m sure that Ramona hasn’t been spouting off to her very wise daughter about her year of renewal like she has to everyone on this show, so of course she’s surprised. She’d be less taken aback if one of Ramona’s eyeballs finally popped out of her head or she was being told that the mothership had arrived to take them back to their home planet.
Ramona says that she’s more in love with Mario now than she was when she first met him. Yeah, whatever. I’m not buying it. I think this is the story arc that Ramona chose for herself and I’m already bored by it. Avery would rather watch the ceremony than be on display but she’s thinking about it and asks what being a maid of honor entails. All Ramona wants her to do is be her supportive assistant and Avery says she’ll do it.
Why not? Who knows how many chances she’ll have to share moments with her parents that don’t involve hyper competitive tennis matches or cadaver dissolving techniques. God, I hope that Ramona doesn’t make her regret it.
It’s really cute how Ramona says that she’s becoming a woman and knows how to negotiate with her, She’s all about empowering her little girl, not bossing her around and I believe it. She starts to tear up, telling Avery that she taught her to love unconditionally and says “I love you.” Awwww! It gets even more adorable when Avery calls her ‘Mommy.’
Fuck, Ramona. Quit making me cry. I’m a mean heartless recapper! I don’t need this shit!
And holy shit, that makes two freaking times that she’s made me teary this season. What is going on? Wait, I need some bug eyes to help me refocus.
Ahhhh, that’s better.
Bringing me right back down to earth is LuLu. She’s spending the day with her decorator as they look at potential pied a terres for her. They are on the Lower East Side and they run into Kelly out of the blue. LuLu is wearing those stupid suede boots again! For heaven’s sake, someone donate some new shoes to ‘Cocaine and Couture’ already so she can air those suckers out for a day or two.
They must smell worse than that anti-semitic count by now.
By the way, I cannot help but have my say in a quick side note again. Remember in Amazongate when ‘Susan Saunders’ accused the reviewer of being an anti-semite for writing that ‘Secrets of a Jewish Harpy’ was a piece of shite? How is what Alana said in her one star assessment of the book worthy of being called racist while LuLu’s husband’s ACTUAL hatred of Jews is just a big joke?
“Tee hee, guffaw guffaw,” the count is going to have a heart attack because his ex-wife is dating a Jewish man, but someone Jill’s never met is an anti-semite for thinking her book sucks even though she never said one thing about hating Jews? Would Jill be as generous in her laughter if she found out that Silex got divorced and Simon was apopletic because Alex was dating a Jew? Don’t think so. Hypocrite.
At any rate, I love this part because it shows two things that are very true- first, apartments in New York are mostly fubar, and two, LuLu can’t afford SHIT! I am dying to see what her noble settlement money allowed her to finally move into. As long as we are operating under the assumption that she didn’t come to some sort of sexual arrangement woth the landlord, that is.
The first apartment up for grabs is on a corner, forcing the livingroom into a weird flattened windowed space. Right off the bat LuLu hates it.
She can’t work where she lives, people. Every call girl knows that!
Her liitle decorator tells her that the space isn’t very countess-like and it is pretty poorly laid out. The bedrooms are tiny and the closets bump right into the bed when you open them. LuLu can’t imagine where she’ll put her King sized bed, My love! How ghastly!
You ain’t foolin’ me, hussy. We all know that you prefer doing it in throne rooms.
She’s still wearing that Native American jewelry too. Is she trying to hide the hickeys she got the night before from one of Sonja’s waiter/actor/model castoffs? Did the count repossess all of the deLippityPoo family jewels?
Maybe they’re max’s old anal beads.
The apartment is $2,500 a month and LuLu is shocked by how little she gets for her gold digging dollar. Honey, you shoulda aimed higher in the marriage department, like a shoe shiner or child trafficker.
Yeah, I think the count’s an ass. Could you tell?
Kelly tries to sell her on the neighborhood because of the anonymity she can enjoy and the lessened pressure of not having to worry about bumping into Buffy or Constance on Park Avenue. LuLu looks at her like she’s crazy. Is she kidding? LuLu lives to be seen. Annonymity would KILL her.
She also looks like she’s freaking out a bit. I think she’s just coming to the realisation that she might not be able to afford all those ‘amenities’ she’s grown accustomed to having. She’s practically breaking out in hives at the thought of living in a place where her own kids might be able to hear her getting it from behind by the hotdog vender she met in front of The Sex Museum.
You know she spends all her time there. Which is why I’m surprised that she says she doesn’t like the locale of the next place she looks at. It’s in the Flatiron district right down the street! She and Sonja can meet at her place and then have tea in an environment that suits them to a ‘T.’
They pull up in a cab and LuLu thanks the real estate agent for being such a gentlemen.
Free cab rides too. I need a damn title.
Wait, where’s her driver, the one that Jill spoke of last week? My guess is that he got the day off with her imaginary maid. Maybe they’re related. Maybe we can’t see them because they’re French and they’re into trompe l’oeil. You know, taking that whole fading into the background thing a bit seriously.
This place has a weird painted door at street level and floor to ceiling windows, one of which faces a brick wall. heaven forbid! Who will watch her enjoy anal with Max in her *cough* donated finery? How will she be able to spot her next random conquest walk down the street if her view is obstructed?
Conversely, the windows with a view? It’s too much.
She hasn’t heard of blinds, apparantly.
Honey, your best buddy practically earned her Diamond Saks card by selling them. It’s not a big deal. What is a big deal- the $14,000 a month price tag. LuLu doesn’t address that. Instead, she nitpicks the place to death, just like Jill taught her, and her excuse is that she needs a building with a doorman, uptown of course.
Good luck with that. It isn’t any cheaper on the Upper East Side, unless you’re moving into Spanish Harlem.
And I said Harlem, not harem. Don’t get all excited.
And Jill’s guest room isn’t any cheaper either. The price you pay for staying there adds up to at least an entire summer back at the deLipslip’s Hamptons retreat, AT THE VERY LEAST. You better throw in a few five star Amazon reviews while you’re at it, just to be safe.
God, I hate her. I hope she enjoys a nice healthy rat infestation wherever she ends up, and I’m not talking about the Zarin visits either.
Let’s go from horrible to disgusting, shall we? It’s time to visit with the Kamen/Zarin/Wexler chicks and what they call being “Bed People,” since they spend all their time commiserating on one.
Nope, she didn’t say “dead.” I made the same mistake at first.
They argue over who should take credit for what recipe and Lisa says that you can always tell a Jewish mother because she has a picture of her dog next to the bed and not her child/ren.
In Jill’s case, how can you tell?
Bicker, bicker, bicker. It’s especially rich when Jill says that she wants this book to be her legacy, something she can pass down to her children, and her grandchildren. Yeah, that’ll be nice for them. Someday Ally can grab her little ones, point at the dreaded “book” and relive the exact moment she realised her mother was an asshole. Great.
Charlie McCarthy finally enters the room and the temperature drops by 20 degrees, just like in The Sixth Sense. Mischa Barton vomits up matzoh ball soup under the bed and I find myself trying to avert my gaze from Gloria’s nasty toes.
Shoe those hooves, wouldja sister? Ginger gonna get the runs again.
Geez, if this were my ‘bed family,’ I’d sleep with one eye open and a knife under my pillow. But I understand. They can’t meet in the livingroom because there’s shit all over it and Ally hasn’t come back from school yet to clean it up.
I hope that Gloria doesn’t fall asleep in there with her mouth open. Ginger might get scared and drop some soft serve on her tongue. Ick. Oh well, it’s a lot better that the crap that comes OUT of it.
They go through pictures and Jill picks up one of Ally when she was probably four or five. It’s cute and her little belly is sticking out of her bathing suit. Jill says, “look at that body,” like she’s proud of how skinny she was at that age. How fucking sick is that?!
Secret of a Jewish Mother, Chapter 8: How to give your daughter an eating disorder.
They move on to Gloria’s wedding which took place on the dirt floor of a hut in Rome right after they finished building the first aquaduct.
The first couple to have a working toilet for their guest’s tokhes at their Chatuna!
That new fountain probably came in handy when the groom broke their only glass during the ceremony. But Gloria doesn’t remember any of that. It was centuries ago! What does she remember? Not to wear chiffon at your Christmas wedding. Huh? Say it with me, Gasmii. Granny left her brains in Boca again.
She delivers this missive as if she were doling out the wisdom of the ages. The girls roll their eyes and then somebody snaps her back to reality with a nice tug on those marionette strings and she goes back to anther picture, judging some girl for being the only person out of a group that’s smiling in a photo that was taken at a funeral.
Get used to it. At your funeral there will be more than one, trust.
At this point I wouldn’t even be watching the show if I were Jill, I’d be so embarrassed. Is there a lesson to be learnt here, Gasmii? I can think of more than one, but let’s start with- ‘Don’t underestimate the intelligence of the Bravo viewer,’ followed closely by- ‘Don’t bite the viewers’ hand that feeds you.’
This is what happens when your huge ego takes over and you take the good will of people for granted. But enough of their kvetching, it’s time to come back to the Hamptons where my love affair with Sonja starts to wither before it even had a chance to properly bloom.
She and LuLu are meeting Kelly for dinner at a fancy schmancy restaurant that stays open year round, I take it. We’re in October on this show, I believe. I can feel the chill in the air, even if I can’t see any menopausal nippy hard-ons. They’re saving theirs for all the unemployed Puerto Rican landscapers that are getting ready to go south for the winter, nyuk nyuk.
LuLu and Sonja are having a staged conversation about Adderal. Sonja says that none of her friends have lost weight on it that she can tell, but they sure do have a shorter fuse. Up walks Kelly and Sonja comments on how skinny she is. I can see exactly where this conversation is going.
I think I have this Sonja chick’s number but only time will truly tell. I think she’s watched and dissected this show for the past two years and is putting her little destroy and conquer plans into effect, starting with Leather. She’s an easy first target, you know. A way for Ms. Morgan to warm up, if you will.
This adderal talk was Sonja’s way of saying that she thinks Kelly is on something but it flies right over her head when LuLu says that she isn’t the type to take drugs. She says, “I wish. I’d have more energy,” and they move on to Ramona bashing.
LuLu is such a freaking hypocritical cunt. She says Ramona should censor what she says and then says that Crazy Eyes must have forgotten half her Prozac, out of the other corner of her mouth. She thinks it’s okay because she was only joking. She gets to decide what’s appropriate, you know. Don’t you dare question her. She wrote the book.
Then LuLu tells Kelly not to use the term ‘Crazy Eyes’ since it’s HER line. Since when? I’m pretty sure she got the term from the internet, maybe even from our own YentaPatrol. Can someone verify this for me? I will later, if I have time between BJs.
Sonja looks uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is going but she needn’t worry. LuLu has more bullshit up her ample sleeves and she remarks that the three of them are great cougars on the prowl together, that they “Have a lot of life and a lot of love to give and they’re ready.” the question is, are we?
Thank God I don’t live in New York anymore. I don’t want any STDs. I could probably catch one just from listening to Sonja go on about how regular sex makes you look 12 years younger.
So, how old are you really then, 70?
She makes another joke about not wanting to shrivel up and die just because she’s a middle aged divorcee and Kelly looks increasingly uncomfortable with this topic and remarks that she’s going to need another beer. Fucking LuLu points out that she isn’rt even half finshed with the one she’s already got. Shut up, whore, she was only being metaphorical!
Besides, it’s not like you are picking up the check any time soon, or are you…..
Cheap bitch. I wouldn’t be surprised. She would have never noticed otherwise, you know? Talk turns to all the gay guys Leather must know since she hangs out with all those horsey folks at the Polo club, but Kelly insists that they aren’t all gay. She knows some super duper fantastically hot straight Argentinians. They’ve been hanging with the wrong track jocks if they think they’re all short, fat and balding, “BUT Max is gorgeous,” says Sonja.
“Why are you so obsessed with Max?” Kelly wants to know. Well, it gives Sonja something to hold over your head, I mean because it just shows that you two have something in common. LuLu fills up on bar snacks since she can’t order the filet when dindin’s on her own dime and then Sonja comes right out and asks Leather what she’s really interested in knowing, and that’s where all the indescriminate men are.
What is she, your pimp? Cut back on the Premarin, you old hussy and give your barstool a break. You are practically foaming at the mouth. Someone has to sit on that chair after you get up and go to your table. I hope they have a can of Lysol handy, one marked ‘Cougar Bar Smears.’
I’m glad that Leather isn’t falling for their crap and she tells them that she wants to date a quality guy since she hopes to get remarried and maybe even steal another leftover Duggar kid. Why, me too, says Sonja. She too wants to have a nice cosy family life for her daughter. WHAT? Since when? Snap out of it, you’re not June Cleaver all of a sudden, you’re more like that other Morgan from the 1920′s, Gloria. The one that lost her daughter because she was too busy screwing her way across Europe to change any diapers.
LuLu tells Kelly that she knows that she wants more kids, after all she’s still one herself. Nice of you to insult her intelligence, asshole. Remind me, why does Leather hang out with these people? All they do is insult her. I don’t care if LuLu pulls the knife back out a little and tempers her cheap shot with, “That’s what I love about you,” and making a ditsy woo-hoo noise. Sheesh, woman. Go back to France with all your boorish boring French ancestors. I’m SO sick of you.
They still behead The Nobility over there, right?
Here’s another weird moment. Kelly says that she wants a Renaissance man, someone she can play pool with, drink beer and then take to the Met. Good luck finding a man like that, says the bitch LuLu. They do exist, by the way. One is sitting right next to me as I type.
Sonja says that she just wants a man that doesn’t cheat. Kelly flips her hair super fast and asks if her ex cheated on her. Sonja doesn’t answer. Instead she turns it around on her and asks if Geeeeeel cheated on HER. What? Why did you bring it up, Sonja? Don’t turn this around on Kelly.
It’s LuLu you should be interrogating on that subject, but LuLu doesn’t want to go there and all of a sudden it’s time to sit at their table OFF CAMERA, I might add, but not before LYING and saying that she never had that problem, not as far as she knows.
Really? The whole country knows about the Ethiopian princess but somehow it eascaped your attention? Fuck off.
“The count never cheated on me. At least not in a European way. For it to be cheating, entre nous, you have to sleep with more than a hundred people, My Love. We were only in the low 50s.”
The vignette this week serves only two purposes. It reveals that the dour blonde from last week is Ramona’s employee, and how did she get so pathetically sad looking? By enduring Ramona’s stupid testy fits of throwing blue jeans and complaining about missing labels. She’s an excellent businesswoman, you see. She proves this assertion by saying, “I just don’t get it, ” over and over instead of actually solving problems.
You work for Ramona? THAT, I don’t get.
There aren’t enough Ramona runway gifs in the world to get me to work for that lunatic. You’d have to tie me to a chair and strike me deaf, dumb and blind before I’d step foot in her office. I’m pretty sure that once Social Security gets your first with-holding taxes from her company they put you on the fast track to recieving benefits. You probably age two years for every month of employment.
That’s okay. This show is turning into a freaking Telenova anyway. Who cares if a couple of underlings fall by the wayside or get concussions from flying inventory? We have another party to attend!
This time the invite is Kelly’s and the party is for Gotham magazine and their issue on the 100 most eligible bachelors. Bachelors from where, I don’t know. It could be Staten Island or Newark for all we know (or care). It sure as Hell isn’t anywhere Hot, not literally or metaphorically.
Leather forgot to wear her pants again and this time Alex did too. I wish she had forgotten to invite LuLu instead. What a piece of work. She spends the entire evening breaking half the rules in her stupid etiquette book, starting with speaking a foreign language in front of people that don’t understand it.
Or wait, was that the first rule she broke? Let me back up a second. Before she even does that, she treats her hostess like shit. When she first approached Kelly on the red carpet she made a crack about her wearing “virginal white.” Then she looked her up and down, turned her back on her and walked off.
Meanwhile, Jill eats up the compliments that Kelly doles out to her even as she tells her that she doesn’t pass the hand test because her skirts too short. Then she wonders if Leather’s clothes cost less because they have less fabric, as if she were an upholstered couch.
I don’t know, Jill. Do yours cost more?
She definitely wears more fabric on that size 1 body of hers. Fur too, on her bunny vest. She seems to be taking fashion cues from Kelly, even as she’s trashing her. So nothing’s new, I guess.
LuLu walks up to Mario and demands an apology for the countless comment. She does this in Italian. She says that she wanted to ask for it in a foreign language because she was so concerned about not airing their dirty laundry in front of others.
What is the problem with this woman? Who gives a fuck anymore? And how is she avoiding rudeness by excluding everyone around them from their conversation? Bitch, please. She’s just showing off her flair for romance languages since you can’t show her REAL talent on cable TV. Not yet, anyway.
Anyway, Mario sticks up for himself since the comment wasn’t meant for her ears in the first place and then reminds her that she’s said some pretty shitty stuff about Ramona, so don’t go there. Shucks, he missed a perfect opportunty to call her countless right to her face! He should have totally done that and then gone, “Oops. Sorry. I meant to say LuAnn. You aren’t a countess anymore, are you? Just want to use the correct term, you know.”
LuLu says that it’s water under the bridge now even though he didn’t apologise. Haha. I love that she had to drop it or risk looking like an even bigger ass than she already is. What did she expect? Did she honestly believe that she could bully Mario like she bullies everyone else? What does he care if her feelings are hurt? He’s married to Ramona. He’s got bigger fish to fry.
They finally file inside the club and Bethenny tells Kelly that she looks pretty. “I’m always pretty,” is her response. What a moron. Does she think that Lady B is using her PR 102 tactics on HER for a change? Say thank you and move on, you drip.
Everyone is scantily clad which is pretty appropriate since there are supposed to be smoking hot eligible bachelors everywhere. All I see are chubby guys in suits and Eurotrash but what do I know? I do know one thing, and that is that Alex looks fabulous in her tushy flashing dress, like Ann-Margret from Viva Las Vegas.
Viva Las Nalgas!
They walk up to where Jill and LuLu are perched in the VIP seating and the two harpies promptly leave as soon as they see Bethenny. RUDE.
LuLu, you didn’t even say hello to Bethenny! What is wrong with you! You’re breaking those etiquette rules left and right. Must be that hideous piece of Eurotrash you’ve been eyeing all night. Also, I wonder if Jill was really on the phone. She had it glued to her ear while everyone was fussing over the new arrivals. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was deeply ensconsed in a very important conversation.
“The time is…..ten…forty…two. Temperature…is….”
Once again Jill interviews that she got up because she wasn’t prepared to see Bethenny. Right, because you’ve only been on the same show for three years now. Bethenny calls her behaviour pathetic and you can totally see her bump!
Maybe wearing yet another bandage dress wasn’t such a good idea.
Ramona tells Lady B that there’s something different about her, is it the hair or….and that’s when she tells her that she’s engaged. I love Ramona’s reaction. She is just as delighted as Alex was and immediately hugs her and shoves her new diamond ring into everyone’s faces.
I am so happy for her too. It couldn’t have happened at a better time. Jill is being a comtemptable vituperous bitch at every opportunity and it’s good to see that Bethenny has some amazing happiness to keep her warm at night. I would hate for her to have to put up with Jill’s jealous madness all on her own. I’m sure that Alex would be there for support if Jason didn’t exist, but who’s to say that Jill wouldn’t use her perpetual spinsterhood against her just like she did with Bawby’s cancer? I wouldn’t put anything past her, not after Amazongate.
Do you know what Jill’s excuse for leaving was? She said that she had to wait for Bawby but all I see her doing is carrying on an inane conversation with LuLu and her BonJovi wannabe douche party favor. Gross. Is LuLu really going to take that guy home? Can’t she do better than that? Where’s her Jewish French crush, or is he smart enough to know not to appear with her in public?
I wonder what Sonja thought when she saw Jill tell the guy that if he wanted to sit at the VIP table with the old hussy, all he had to do was stick his tongue in Ms. Morgan’s mouth. I’m sure that she LOVED that. I’m also pretty sure that she could orchestrate a fairly decent Zarin Fabrics boycott amongst all her wealthy buddies if she cared to, so Jill better watch it.
All the shit talking is making my head spin. One side of the room is talking about how LuLu has become Jill’s new lackey, while the other is complaining that there aren’t enough cute guys to justify getting all gussied up like they did.
Leather waltzes up to the complaining twosome and delivers the newsflash that Bethenny is engaged. Cue up the phony smiles! Jill’s anyway. LuLu barely musters up a smirk. Since neither of them make any move to go over and dispense any well wishes, Leather calls Jason over herself.
Jill asks LuLu, “Why’d she do that?” and I must admit that I’m flabbergasted by the fact that LuLu doesn’t inform Jill that it is customary to dispense with hard feelings at a joyous time like this, and you simply must tell the new couple how happy you are for them. Isn’t there a chapter in her book on dealing with people you don’t like in social situations? Anybody?
Oh, that’s right. Nobody read it. Not even Jill.
Poor Jill has to endure a hug from Jason and she interviews that she wanted to run home and climb under the covers because she’s from a Bed Family, as we all know. It can’t be the awkwardness of the situation, could it? Nobody is being anything but nice to her. What is her problem? She has nothing to complain about, that’s the problem. She’d probably be happier if Bethenny got in her face again. Then she could cry martyr and we’d all have to join Team Jill again.
Jason even asked how Bawby was doing before he moved on to speak to people not affiliated with the devil. Kelly notices and tells Jill that he earned some niceness points by doing so, but she even shoots down that assumption by saying that it’s not about that, even though she feels bad because things are so awful now.
You should feel bad, Jill. They’re all on the other side of the room toasting to success and happiness and you could be toasting right along with them. Instead you chose another path. You chose your jilling ways over sharing your old buddy’s happiest moment in her entire life.
Here comes etiquette breach number two. LuLu saunters over to Bethenny and demands an apology for the snake comment after giving her only the most begrudging of congrats. As if Miss B owes that tramp anything! Plus, this is not the time! If she was so fucking pissed about it, she should have called her, not confronted her while she was celebrating her engagement.
Bethenny says that she’s sorry while Alex stands next to her shooting daggers at LuLu with her eyes. If looks could kill…speaking of eyes. Look how crazy LuLu’s get!
Who’s Crazy Eyes now, bitch?
She then excuses herself because she has a party to attend with a hot young bachelor. She doesn’t mean this guy, right? Hot? Young? Did somebody forget to wear her contacts again?
Is it opposite day again and nobody told me? Tee hee, you guys…..why i outta…
It’s like she’s imiatating Kelly from last season where she thought it was such a huge zinger to inform Miss B that she couldn’t be bothered with her after their “down there, up here” conversation because she had a hot date waiting for her. Not only that, but LuLu totally looked at Kelly when she said that.
Wow, she and Jill take jealousy to heretofore undiscovered levels. Coveting your neighor’s wife is nothing compared to those two. Satan is just biding his time down in hell, awaiting their arrival by carving their initials over the doorway to the seven deadly sins Hall Of Shame. Even Hera had nothing on these two.
LuLu also has a nasty little habit of rewriting history to suit her needs. She says that she feels happy now that she’s cleared the air with Bethenny. How did she do that? All I saw was an envious aging hag and her pathetic attempt to extract the respect she thinks she deserves. If she really wants to earn some respect, she should start by picking up a check once in a while.
On second thought, don’t bother. I don’t want to have a heart attack. I got too much shit on my plate as it is.
I do not understand why anyone would try to smooth things over between Jill and Bethenny anymore but Simon gives it the old college try. He asks Jill to come over but she insists that she has to wait for Bawby. She then interviews that Simon should stay out of it. You know, because how dare he be nice. Jill never issued that edict, he should sit down and shut up!
Me, me, me memememememe and ME! Poor Jill. Bawby finally arrives and she tells him that the whole situation is just terrible! How dare Bethenny go and get engaged, thereby putting her in the untenable position of having to congratulate her or run the risk of looking like shit! Poor thing. Why is this happening to her? Why? What did she ever do to deserve such a horrible unravelling of her careful and deliberate Bethenny character assassination?
Bethenny certainly isn’t going to wait around for any kind words from Jill, so she heads outside to wait for the car with the Singers and Jason. He hugs her and tells her to let it go as Ramona keeps glancing back at the entrance with a grin on her face. I think that she’s hoping that Miss B can get away before Jill has a chance to ruin everything but I can’t tell because Jill runs up.
It’s an awkward moment with Bethenny holding Jason’s sport coat around herself like a life jacket while Jill tries to make excuses for her bahaviour. She was just waiting for Bawby to arrive, and she’s so sorry that you felt like she walked away from you, Bethenny.
That’s right, she’s sorry that Bethenny FELT like she walked away from her, meanwhile that’s exactly what she did- she walked away from her. God, she really does think that we’re all stupid, doesn’t she?
She then “oooo’s” and “ahhhh’s” over the ring while Bethenny looks off like she’s being touched by a leper. I didn’t love it when Jason told her to smile at Jill’s compliments but I was glad that Ramona’s eyes never left hers in their support. She said something to Bethenny while Jill was calling her ring magnificent but I couldn’t tell what it was.
“Psst, Bethenny. I just caught a glimpse of her dress tag. It says ‘Filene’s, size 11.’”
I wish. I am so over her, as is Bethenny. The final moments of the episode have her saying that she’s done with Jill, even as Jill is caught saying that she doesn’t want her friendship with her to end like this. That’s too bad.
Karma can be so strange sometimes. It has a nasty habit of giving back to you exactly what you put out there. I’m hoping that it gives me back my eardrums now that I’ve listened to LuLu’s song. She’s probably wishing that she never went to that “party” with that “hot bachelor.”
What? You weren’t satisfied with my ears, you had to take my eyes too?!?
Yuck. I cannot wait for her date with that hideous dude. They are perfect for each other!
Love and Kisses,