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Last night, two really fake reality shows gave us some hearty laughs and we learned that letting the DVR go for a bit to channel surf can be enlightening. If you want to know more about…Carnie Wilson. Come on in!
Real World: VirginiaApple
Well, this was certainly the most eventful Real World episode so far this season. I know, I know, it was stiff competition for that title.
Ty and Emily spent the whole episode comparing the size of their respective dicks. Ty accused Emily of hiding her emotions and refusing to act like a female, while in turn acting exactly the way he accuses females of acting. Yay, hypocrisy. It wouldn’t be a Real World episode without it. Emily also got mad at Callie for having emotions or something like that. Callie, for her part, kept meeting guys with girlfriends and was getting frustrated. Just don’t hook up with a guy who has a girlfriend, Callie. Even if said hookup happens in January, it can still come back to bite you in the ass on Christmas. Not that I would know or anything.
There was also a (mercifully brief, and over with early in the episode) foray into fulfilling the dreams of our resident Walking Cliche Dispenser, Erika. Yes, that’s right, in addition to being a walking cliche, she also dispenses them. Her excitement was supplemented with the “drama” of her raspy voice due to her alleged cold. Listen, all I’m saying is that she sounded absolutely fine in the days leading up to her getting to sing on stage with some band she “respects” (hey, they’re on her iPod!), but suddenly got all raspy the day of the show.
And finally, Josh’s girlfriend visited and things seemed just peachy. However, he later flirted heavily with a girl and brought her home. All we see is a peck, but there are accusations of making out. When his girlfriend calls him to confront him about a picture she found online, he starts out as Bill Clinton (I do not recall) and ends up as Ross and Rachel (“Let’s go on a break!”). She gets pissed, and he hangs up on her. What a catch. To catch up on Real World recaps while you wait for this episode’s, go here.
American Idol: J-Mo
Last night on American Idol, the auditions were back in Dallas, Texas, chock full of really talented people and NOBODY tried to skate their way to Hollywood on the strength of nothing but a heart-wrenching sob story! KIDDING! Of COURSE there were a bunch of awful crazies, and everybody had a sob story (the best of which was the guy who actually had TOURETTE’S SYNDROME and yet somehow did NOT take the opportunity to call Simon Cowell a cocklicking shitfucker assdouche with total impunity… dude, that was the REAL golden ticket, and you let it slip through your twitchy fingers!).
We were also treated to everybody’s favorite butch queen and star of “How I Met Your Drag Mother”, Neil Patrick Howser, who must have had really awkward fumbly drunken sex with Cowell, since they were both acting real catty and bitchy with one another (the way you do when you boink a co-worker and you were both too hammered to remember who was top and who was bottom and now you’re both trying to pretend it was you),
Also, Ryan Semencrest pretended like he was excited about being surrounded by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders… well, I take that back, I’m guessing his excitement was genuine, but not in a turgid way, more like in a “OMG-I-love-hanging-with-the-girls-because-we-can-share-makeup-tips-and-talk-about-boys-all-night” kind of way. Tinkerbell, honey, if a big fat ‘mo like me can convincingly act more turned on by hot chix, then you need to work on your acting skillz.
Randy (relieved he’s not related to Michael) Jackson still thinks there’s such a thing as a “million billion trillion skillion hillion quillion percent” and Skara still thinks people respect her as a serious musician. Oh, and one of those Jonas Brothers was a “guest judge”. Which one? I have a hard time telling them apart, but I think it was the stupid one. Er, I mean the vapid one. Uh, the one who tried to high-five Stevie Wonder? Nevertheless, I’m working the recap now, we’ll chat more in detail about this stuff later, K?
Channel Surfing: Chooch
Good God what a night. I must have channel surfed for hours trying to avoid that stupid Presidential Address. I watched women decorating cakes for sextuplets, men crawling around in the swamps of Fla. looking for baby-eating pythons, 1000 ways to die (real name of the show) and I finally landed on the Gameshow Network. Carlton from “Fresh Prince” was host of some card show and the three contestants were old losers from “The Biggest Loser”, playing for charity. They were still skinny and in the end the winner only won $1000 for their charity. That sucks, especially after seeing what got raked in for Haiti.
It was the show after, that I finally landed on, “Carnie Wilson: Unstapled”. I knew about it, but I never expected to watch it. I already saw her attempts at “reality” when she, Marsha Brady and Bobbie Brown all tried to be country and western singers. Actually that one was pretty entertaining. It was fun watching a drunk Bobbie getting up in the middle of the night to pee in their beds.
Well anyways, Carnie’s all into making some serious money. She showed why when she and her two gay BFF’s came sashaying in with tons of shopping bags. One of which she had her buddy hide from the hubby. It was a $1000 diaper bag. That’s as much as that girl won for her charity. There’s irony in there somewhere. To make a half-hour short, I was amazed at how Carnie single-handedly set us fat chicks back 20 years by burping every time she took a breath, farting before she went out on a runway (she aired out her dress afterwards), smelling her armpits for BO and lifting her skirt and showing her ass while a best friend accepted an award that she was there to give him.
In the middle of all this lady-like behavior, she was trying to figure out what she could create to sell (pawn off) on QVC to make some money. Baking cheesecake seems to be her passion. Eating it is also her passion. So that’s what she’s going to sell. Oh and maybe some clothes for us hefty girls and maybe a massage table with holes for titties and one for men’s junk to comfortably hang thru. Next week, she steps on the scales to see just how “unstapled” she is now. Oh one more thing. I was fascinated by all the make-up she wore. I couldn’t stop staring at her purple eye-shadow. In her testimonials, she has blush that goes all the way to the hairline at her temples…. and then I saw her in the kitchen with her cheesecake… no make-up at all and I understood……
What did you watch?