Almost Taradise

Finally! The Real World came back from the murky depths of “real” issues (death? drug addiction? handicaps? pssshhh…) to once again dilly dally in the ridiculous. Yes, this week’s episode took place in the Land of Stupidity, a country reigned by its president, Wes. For those of you who may have missed out on the majority of the season, here’s what you have to know:

1) Wes is an idiot.

2) Wes thinks he’s hot shit.

3) Wes is not hot shit.

4) Wes is an idiot.

With that being said, you should be well caught up on the inanity of Tuesday’s episode as our unlucky in love (but lucky in dumb) hero finally found a girl with low enough self-esteem to be laid by him on national television. Faaaantastic!We knew we were back to the old fashioned happy Real World because the show kicked off with bright images accompanied by a peppy soundtrack that may or may not have been a scrapped 1987 Whitney Houston single. I suppose it’s an appropriate singer to mention because we soon found ourself with the house’s #1 crazy bitch, Johanna, as she walked with her boy-toy (emphasis on toy) Leo. Now, I don’t really know what the deal with this guy is, but judging by his puppy-dog persona and generally mute presence, I’d say he’s probably lame. But he’s also the sort of guy that a crazy bitch like Johanna goes for every now and then, just to prove to herself that she’s not the crazy bitch she deep down realizes she is.

And that was my flash judgment of two people that I don’t know.

Anyway, as the two lovebirds, or maybe friendbirds — who knows — walked down the street, Leo made a quiet attempt to hold Johanna’s hand. Silly man. Doesn’t he realize that she’s m’shugina? You know, she’s all about craving the attention, but once she gets it, turns it away. Well, sure enough, “when he tried to hold my hand, I pulled back,” Johanna said, later adding, “But then I realized he was just trying to pull me towards some tequila shots, so I was cool with it.”

The action then moved to the Real World aquarium where one sickly fish was on its back, ready for death to take him from this household of inanity. I suppose it was an appropriate image. After all, any time the camera focuses on Johanna, I too usually want to go belly up and find sweet release in a watery afterlife. By the way, props to Bunim/Murray for trying to extend the whole “death affects us all” theme for one more week. We then cut to a mollusk on the phone, crying “Tell me you’re lying, Dad!”

Anyway, Rachel videotaped this dramatic moment of aquatic demise, but I didn’t really know why. Was this going to somehow make it into the South By Southwest documentary? An allegorical look at the fall of Rock ‘N Roll, as seen through a dying fish? Nah, that’s too smart for these people. Chances are this movie is just going to be a bunch of random images scattered amongst shots of Wes making out with the camera.

Well, Johanna returned from her walk with Leo and gabbed with Lacey and Rachel about how icky she felt when the boy tried to grab her hand. You see, Johanna was getting more of a “friendship chemistry” instead of a “relationship chemistry,” or even better yet, a “drunken moron chemistry.” Ever the romantic, Rachel noted that the best relationships usually start off as friendships. You know how it goes: boy meets girl, boy becomes friends with girl, boy sends girl cotton candy ice cream in the mail, girl gets sticky shit all over her house, girl LOVES boy!

Luckily, Lacey was there to infuse some logic into the situation (as the soon-to-be house outcast, her consolation prize is having a brain). “You’re gonna stick your tongue down his mouth and not let him touch your hand?” she asked incredulously. EXACTLY! Two points for the girl who looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Ah but wait! Johanna had a rebuttal. “CORRECTION!” she said, a finger waving in the air. Hmmm… let’s see if she’ll try to blame this on the alcohol: “I made out with him while I was drunk. I was a different person.” Taking responsibility? What is that? I don’t even know how to pronounce it. Appropriately enough, the scene ended with Nehemiah giving big ups to another dead fish. What is up with this tank? Don’t they have professional fish guys who keep the aquarium happy and healthy? My only theory is that the overbearing idiocy in the house has somehow polluted the water, sending all the fishies to watery graves.

Later, Wes and Johanna lay on the “orgy bed” (as we would later learn it’s called) and talked about trust issues. Yeah, it was awesome.

We then flashed forward a few hours as the kiddos were prepping to go out to a club and film (or videotape really) a local band. Leo called to see what Johanna was up to, and while they had a nice (READ: dumb) conversation, the camera inexplicably zoomed in on Lacey as we had the divine privilege of watching her every last orthodontically challenged reaction to her roommate’s words. Why, Bunim/Murray, why? I suppose this was the producers’ attempt to fit Lacey on camera as much as possible before her true outcast-ness banishes her weekly appearances to two-second expository comments like “So we get home and all hell breaks loose.”

And by the way, I know the season isn’t that old, but shouldn’t Lacey be moving into a dusty corner of the house sometime soon? Then again, it took Brynn a few months before she fell off the edge of the world on Vegas.

Anyway, I’m off topic as usual. After Johanna wrapped up her phone call, the roomies all left for their big shoot, with everyone happily announcing their roles. Rachel: “I’m holding the boom pole!” Johanna: “I’ll do sound!” Lacey: “I’ll direct!” Melinda: “I’ll have sex!” Okay, Mel didn’t actually say that last thing. In fact, she was relatively unseen this week as I imagined she was still going all Cold Mountain and waiting for Danny to come home.

At the club, the roommates ran into Zach Braff of all people, and I couldn’t believe their luck to have an acclaimed independent filmmaker helping them out on their shoot. Oh wait, turns out Zach Braff was only their über-butch advisor, Jenn. Anyway, the kids got to work filming this crappy band, and I was happy to see that their camera work was on par with my elementary school librarian whose signature style was placing a camcorder on a tripod and letting ‘er roll. Dynamic work!

Errol Morris, watch your back!

This documentary stuff was boring though and has yet to produce any significant drama — no pun intended. Kind of makes me pine for the good ole days of New Orleans when every week was a new disaster on public access. Heck, even Paris with its stupid travel guide was more interesting than this. It’s all about forcing these kids to meet a deadline (or a “not drinking or having sex thing” as they might call it).

Later, Leo and Johanna returned to the house and spent a romantic moment sitting on opposite sides of a couch. Yes, it was about as steamy as anything you’d find in the Alzheimer’s ward of your local nursing home. Still, that didn’t stop perpetual gossip Lacey from spying on the two from a security monitor. Yes, we were watching Lacey watching Johanna. It was a very meta reality show moment.

Well, with Alpha Male Leo in tow, Zeta Male Wes became quite the jealous bitch. “Johanna is playing a game with me,” he declared with a burgeoning homosexuality nearly bursting through his pants. Clearly Johanna had cockblocked any ambitions he may have had to share his manhood with Leo. Nevertheless, Wes was determined to prove his sexual orientation by once again making a stupid, ’80s teen movie bet. “I got five bucks says if I wanted to, I can make out with her in three weeks,” announced Wes, adding, “And if I lose, I have to do something crazy like, I don’t know, make out with Leo. Maybe give him a blow job. Yeah, and I’ll do it too. I’m not afraid.”

Actually, Wes didn’t say that, but he was so cocksure that he’d have Johanna wrapped around his stumpy finger, he said, “But the second she starts kissing me, I’ll kiss back for like less than a second, and then I’ll pull away, I’ll look her in the eyes, and say ‘This is what you could have had’ and then walk away.” Yeah, because kissing girls is gross anyway! EWWW!

By the way, why would Wes think Johanna would want to make out with a boy who looks like Lacey?

Enter Megan, “Wes’s new friend.” Let me try to describe this skanky slut: giggly, hefty, and not unlike a strange hybrid of Tara Reid and TIffany Amber Theisen. Basically, Megan was your average fat girl for whom years of childhood taunts have turned her into a raging whore. Makes sense, right? Well, attracted to the MTV cameras like a moth to the flame, Megan quickly latched her globular body onto Wes and gave him the come-hither eyes. Actually, it was more like the come-hither mouth. Nevertheless, Wes commented, “She doesn’t want to hold hands. She wants to hold something else.” Yeah, a BURRITO.

Realizing this was probably his one and only chance to not only get laid, but prove to America that he really is straight, Wes brought his baleen whale of a groupie back to the house for a little lovin’. Of course, he gave the grand tour, which included a stop on the “orgy bed.” The two shared some kissy-kissy, and as they rose to take their passion elsewhere, Megan squealed, “My shoes are coming off!” And so is your dignity. Congrats!

Anyway, the two took their business into Wes’s room where lots of ugly sex soon followed. Of course, roving gossiper Lacey just happened to walk by, and seconds later, she was reporting everything to her loyal roommate Johanna. It was pretty amusing, actually. Lacey even did a play-by-play of Wes’s butt motions. “It’s like this!” she said as she got on her hands and knees and popped her butt high in the air. I guess that’s sort of a reflexive position for Wes, huh?

Lacey demonstrates Wes’s favorite position.

Nehemiah, meanwhile, nodded his head proudly, saying “That’s my boy!” Here’s the thing, Nehemiah. You’re really cool. We all like you. You seem smart, friendly, thoughtful. We know you like Wes. He’s your roommate. But honestly, he’s dragging you down. Latch onto the Danny train. Or just make your own. Please.

Well, Nehemiah soon redeemed himself as Lacey and Johanna bashed Megan. “Wes is not attractive… Come on, that girl is cute for Wes,” said Neh, immediately making him one of the coolest Real Worlders ever.

Afterwards, as Megan was leaving, she complained, “I lost my shirt.” How the hell did you lose your shirt? IT’S IN THE ROOM. Try looking, I don’t know, next to the bed. Ah, but clearly this was a classic stalker girl technique: accidentally leave something behind for the excuse to come back. Unfortunately, Wes wanted nothing to do with Megan now that he’d fulfilled his duty to show some sort of heterosexuality, and therefore, he scoured the apartment for her top, hoping to brush his date out the door and into oblivion. “If you guys were a black shirt, where would you be?” he asked his roommates. “It would be on me,” replied Johanna. Oh SNAP! Don’t even try to front like you can take that, Megan. Because you can’t!

And so the blonde-haired summer squash known as Megan left the Real World, leaving Wes with nothing else to do but dive into a private world of self-delusion and grandeur. He called up his best buds and bragged, “The hottest girl in the bar came and hit on me.” I wonder, how badly do you think Wes was sexually molested as a child? I mean, all this talk and bravado is clearly covering up some deep, dark secret. At first I thought it was just run-of-the-mill closeted homosexuality, but now his delusions are bordering on psychotic. Something happened to Wes. And it was bad.

Nevertheless, until we find out what Prince of Tides trauma lurks behind his always flushed cheeks, we’ll just have to content ourselves with more WesTalk. His attention had now shifted back to Johanna, who he now felt he had shot at. “There’s a lot of time left, and I’m really smooth,” he assured us. Yes. Very smooth. Kind of like that time when he went to a bar and asked that girl, “Tell me one thing about you that is individualistic.” Man, is it getting hot in here? I think we all need a cold shower after a line like that!

Anyway, Wes cuddled up next to Johanna in her bed, and asked her several times if she cared that he just had sex. Translation: did you see that I just had sex? ‘Cause I did. I’m straight.

Of course, Johanna couldn’t give two shits (and neither could we); so eventually Wes did what any classy fella would do: stick his fingers in Johanna’s face — the very same fingers that had explored the nether regions of Megan just minutes before. Yes, Wes. Smooth. Very smooth.

The next night, the whole gang headed back to The Dizzy Rooster for more drinking and fun with Leo. As usual, Johanna acted like a total cocktease, and so it wasn’t surprising that she left later that night with an unsure feeling in her stomach (and no, it wasn’t the alcohol). “Leo hates me,” she complained to her girlfriends in an obvious attempt to fish for compliments. Luckily, Wes did one good thing this episode, which was telling Johanna that she was leading Leo on. This of course led to an argument (everyone loves a spicy Latina!) with Wes demanding, “Quit being a bitch!” Smooth as a baby’s bottom.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen drunken Johanna, so it was nice to see her slurring through her usual pretzel logic. “You have been extremely disrespectful tonight,” she said, except it sounded more like, “You have been exshwemewey dishrespectful tonight.” It was almost as if she were trying her hand at a low-rent Barbara Walters impersonation. In an interview, Wes then announced, “I’ve never swallowed anything in my life.” Well, except the occasional penis and semen, but aside from that, just food, you know? Actually, to his credit, he was using the term idiomatically — as in “swallow my pride.” And because he wanted to have the last word, he walked into Johanna’s room where she was already bundled up and ready to go to sleep.

“Can we talk like civilized human beings right now?” Wes asked, but Jo was not in the mood.

“Stop talking to me,” she answered, causing Wes to sneer back, “I hope you graduate from elementary school sometime pretty soon.” Oh no he di’int!!! Z-Z-Z-ZING!!!! En fuego! But wait! There’s more!

“Congratulations Jo. You’re really, really mature,” Wes said as he contradictorily flipped her bird. Man, he really knows how to win over a girl.

What did you think about this episode?