Attack of the Drama Queens

Remember last week on The Real World when Sarah tried to hump three kids? And remember how they all ran away? And remember how it was super funny and pathetic all at once? And remember how it completely overshadowed Shavonda’s stupid kissing under the covers? WELL. No one overshadows homegirl, as evidenced by this week’s mountain-of-a-molehill episode. Shavonda was back and so were all her petty issues: would she take her top off? Would she jump in the ocean? Would she jump in the river? Would she douche in the morning? Would she have a side salad or fries? Such are the weighty decisions in her life, and dammit if you try to ignore them. This is Shavonda’s Fiji, and you’re just living in it!It’s easy to break down this week’s episode into a series of Shavonda dramas. So let’s get to it!

Drama #1
Scenario: All the kiddos are on some STA Travel adventure (remind me to mention STA’s lame ass Real World sweepstakes later). The group heads to a watery alcove where MJ comments that it feels like he’s in the amazon. Unfortunately no anaconda is present to drag MJ down to a watery death. In reverence to the natural beauty of their location, the roomies bust out some inner tubes and glide along the water to a little diving area where Greg Lougainis activies occur. No, MJ and Landon don’t consummate their burgeoning love for each other. Instead, everyone jumps off the ledge and takes the eight foot plunge into the waters below. Well, everyone except Shavonda who takes a cue from Coral and notes how petrified she is of the water. Everyone must stop what they’re doing and watch as Landon jumps with Shavonda into the river below. All eyes on Shavonda. Success.

Later, Mel comments that “Landon and Shavonda have caught the romantic bug that’s been going around.” Yes, Landon and Shavonda have the love bug, which, unfortunately, is simply a euphemism for scabies. Doctors later conclude that Landon’s curly rooster nest of hair is physically impossible to delouse. Landon stabs the doctor in a drunken rage.

Drama #2
The roomies head out for another wacky STA adventure. This time they embark on an afternoon of “sand diving.” We initially don’t know what that means, but it’s safe to say that scabies will be involved. Turns out that sand diving involves taking a boogie-board type apparatus and sliding down a sandy slope. Sarah, carrying extra ballast in her bulging titties, hits the slope with astonishing velocity, causing her to nearly wipeout at the bottom. She takes in a mouthful of sand and later brags that she gave the hill a blowjob.

Later the group reconvenes on the beach to tan and look pretty. Landon expresses concern that his ass might be too lilly white. Everyone quietly wonders why he cares about his naked ass’s appearance. MJ salivates. Somehow this discussion turns into Landon pressuring Shavonda to take off her top. Remarkably, Shavonda seizes the opportunity to create a drama. I’m just not ready! I don’t think I can do it! Viewers scratch their heads and wonder if this is going to be Shavonda’s “journey”: whether or not to show us her boobies.

Drama #3:
Cockteases are inherently drama queens. It’s all about the chase. Enter Shavonda. During a late night game of Truth or Dare, Shavonda French kisses Sarah. Moments later, she makes out with Landon for thirty seconds. Karamo, meanwhile is absolutely disgusted. The next morning he insists that Shavonda should pay attention to her culture. You know, like the way Karamo embraces gay culture. Oh wait…

Later that afternoon, the cast heads out into the ocean and goes swimming. San Diego’s Jacquese scratches his head as he wonders why Karamo’s life preserver isn’t given the twinkle twinkle you’re a baby treatment. Shavonda seizes the opportunity to make a drama again by playing scared of the ocean. BUT, she tells us, since everyone’s doing it, she’ll be a trooper. Wow, she’s so wonderful. She put aside all her petty issues so that everyone else can have a good time. Why can’t there be more selfless people like Shavonda out there? Shavonda dives into the crystal clear water (Hello, STA Travel? I’d like to book my tickets to Fiji now) and amazingly manages to not drown. Sadly, not even a wayward Portugese Man O War is around to sting her. Where’s nature when you need it?

Drama #4:

Mid boat ride, a thunderstorm descends upon the island. The clan heads back to dry land where Shavonda suddenly realizes that with all of God’s thunder and lightening, he’s completely stolen the spotlight. She therefore follows Landon into his room and proceeds to make out with him. On the soundtrack, an annoying singer screeches “Summer!” over and over again. Later, Shavonda announces that she and Landon did something, but she’ll let him say what it was. The next morning, the roommates pounce on the lovebirds, asking for all the juicy details. Oh please Shavonda, tell us! Tell us! We’re begging for your story! We’re lavishing you with attention!

But wait! Karamo has a card up his sleeve. This episode is his to steal!

Cut to the next evening. The kids are all getting ready for a semi-formal dinner. Landon watches Shavonda dress and comments that he hasn’t seen a girl get ready in so long. Uh, Landon? Have you ever been to your communal bathroom in Philly?

Nevertheless, the crew gets together to wine and dine one last time in Fiji. Karamo reveals to MJ that he’s angry at Shavonda. Why? Because she’s dating outside her race? WHAT?? NO! How could you assume Karamo would say that? He’s NOT the angry black male. No no. He’s mad because… uh… because… she already has a boyfriend! Yes! That’s it! She’s being unfaithful. Cross arms, raise chin, smile proudly.

Meanwhile, at the Jenny Jones portion of the evening, the roommates all discuss who they would have sex with if the world was ending and they had to start a new race or… I don’t know. It was all very inane. Anyway, Sarah takes a page from Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All” and says that she’d want to have a baby with Karamo or Willie because “If I were to start a new world, I would want it to be bi-racial.” Unfortunately, she gives birth to two gay boys and dooms humanity forever. Not that it matters. If she gave birth to a boy and a girl, humans would be in for some badass incestuous birth defects.

Knowing that the time is right to steal the show from Shavonda, Karamo takes a stab at some clunky PA. He explains that if the seven roommates were the last people on Earth, “I’d want to be a hunter and slit Landon’s throat.” Somewhere, music stops with the sound of a record scratch. Karamo then goes for a feeble save: “Because he’s the only other alpha male.” Mel shakes her head at Karamo’s weak attempt at passive aggression. “Soon, my grasshopper,” she says.

The next morning, Karamo goes off and eats breakfast alone. MJ comments that he just likes to ruin the mood, kind of like Debbie Downer. Karamo then shows up to announce that feline AIDs is the leading killer of domestic cats. Everyone feels awkward as the show comes to an end. It was a valiant attempt by Shavonda to take over the show, but in the end, Karamo’s passive aggressive homicide humor took the rug out from under her.

It’s been fun, Fiji. Smell ya later!