Recap: Real World: Meet The Denver Drunk-O’s!

The new season of The Real World: Denver kicks off tomorrow night, and with any luck, it will be significantly better than the casting special, which some might argue was a low-point in the franchise history. Hosted by Key West’s Tyler and Paula, this half hour was painful at times with its forced patter and so-called jokes. However, while the filler material was lacking, we were still able to glean enough superficial information from the new cast to form some initial impressions. And honestly, what’s The Real World without snap judgments?

A preview of the new cast, plus a bit of special news after the jump…The special started off in Denver with Tyler and Paula driving throughout the city. “So… did I get lost again?” Tyler asked, flexing his nonexistent acting chops considerably. Luckily, he wasn’t lost at all. He and Paula arrived outside the Real World house and began addressing us like a low budget industrial video. I half expected them to inform us on the finer nuances of fire exits.

By the way, I was very happy to see that not only was Paula still wearing the same makeup from her mugshot, but she seemed to be taking hair advice from The Amazing Race: Family Edition’s Linda Weaver. Yes, she was perm-tastic, and on that note, we met our first nympho/drunkard/attention-whore/headcase: Jenn!

This twenty-two year-old had trouble written all over her. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but she seemed like she’d be stirring up shit. She was a former Raiderette, but like so many cast members seeking to be more than their promotional hook, she didn’t want to be known simply as a Raiderette. Well, good news! Now she’d be known as the Raiderette who was on The Real World. Of course, this all made me think of Michelle Parma, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who was on Road Rules and then died in a car crash. Sadness.

Anyway, Jenn revealed that she didn’t have a lot of girl friends (shocker!) and that she loved going to this one bar in Walnut Creek, CA. Oh, and when she went to bars, she always liked to talk and flirt with the people on the street, get the party started. Translation: “Me likey attention!”

Unfortunately for Jenn, her mom felt it was time for the partying to come to an end. “She sees the potential in me,” Jenn commented, adding, “The potential in me to share my sluttiness with all the nation on MTV! Go Raiders!”

After this profile, we returned to Paula and Tyler, the latter of whom said, “Well, she definitely had me at high kick!” Insert rimshot here. Tyler then proceeded to show off a few of his own high kicks, bringing this scene from merely hilarious to bust-a-gut, laugh-out-loud awesome.

As wonderful as this comic interlude was, we had to move on. Next was Alex, a swimmer who was not afraid to wear a very, very low-rise banana-hammock. Did I say swimmer? I meant former swimmer. Yes, nowadays, Alex preferred to spend his downtime dancing around shirtless in his dorm room instead. I assumed he was this season’s token gay guy, but it turned out he just had a case of the Landon-itis (you know, confusingly effeminate). Oh, and his hairline was receding.

Paula and Tyler then returned to the screen, and now they were hanging out in a pool. Well, it was more like Tyler was in the pool, and Paula was sitting on a ledge or something (I don’t remember). What’s key here is that Tyler told us, “Our next cast member says she’s slutty, sexy, and in a sorority, which means I’m in.” At which point, Paula then pushed his head underwater and awkwardly said, “No. Now you’re in.” Get it? Because she dunked him in the water! Hence, he was IN the water! It works on so many levels.

Next up was a girl named Colie, as in E. Colie. She immediately had a strike against her in that she was a Jersey girl, like that pain in the ass Kina; however, she seemed oddly likable in a way that Kina could never be. Colie was apparently the president of her Tulane sorority, and in a bit of bad timing, she had redesigned and refurbished the entire sorority house the day before Katrina hit. Oops! Next time, check the weather forecast! We never learned if her sorority house was destroyed or not (we’ll assume it was), but we did see Colie and her Colie Crew cleaning up a house amidst the Katrina devastation. There was a slightly tender moment as the girls all stumbled upon an old wedding dress. Should they keep it? Should they throw it away? What to do? Oh, I have an idea! Let’s talk about partying instead!

“I’m a little bit sluttier when I’m drunk… champagne goes right to my vagina,” Colie told us, giving us much more of a visual metaphor than we were probably expecting. She then clarified that she wasn’t just some ordinary trollop. “I don’t, like, sleep around slut, but I’m definitely a kissing slut,” she said, once again setting off the “ATTENTION WHORE!” alarm in my head. It was clear that MTV was looking for a Katrina survivor, but was this the best they could do? A Jersey girl student? C’mon…

We then watched a quick montage of people hooking up, and while it was too fast for me to process, it looked pretty much like all the girls hooked up with Alex in various sundry combinations.

After we were sufficiently scandalized by three-way kisses and saliva, we then met Davis, who looked to be a real piece of work. “I like to be a the center of attention. I’m not going to lie,” he told us, immediately incurring my hate. I know it’s a given that everyone who winds up on The Real World wants to be the center of attention, but when they’re so knowingly self-aware, it’s all the more ominous.

Okay, for whatever reason, my notes have disappeared, so the rest of this recap is based on memory alone. Basically, the deal with Davis was that he was born strictly Christian, which was cool and all, until he realized he was gay. Needless to say, this didn’t go over well with Momma. She went so far as to give him an impromptu exorcism, but, well, it didn’t quite work. Despite the fact that he likes men, Davis not only has one but two girlfriends. Yes, that’s right. Girlfriends. And I’m not employing “she-bonics” when I say girlfriend. Davis was seeing two women, whose mission was to turn him straight. Needless to say, based on the arguments he looks to be having this season, I’m not sure Davis will be drifting from the gay camp too soon.

I don’t remember who was next, but I think it was Stephen, a young black man from Howard University who just happened to be… a conservative Republican. A black Republican on MTV? Does Gideon Yago know? Well, the big thing with Stephen was that he was a member of virtually every single club available in high school and college, which pretty much made me hate him. Of course, what he’ll probably be remembered for most (aside from the odd way his lips move when he talks) will be his strongly anti-gay marriage stance. According to the previews, we’re in for some loud histrionics between Stephen and Davis, neither of whom will probably offer up anything insightful about anything.

Afterwards, I do remember that Paula made some inane comment like “Two viewpoints and one religion.” That was her way of saying, “Yes, this season has Very Special Depth too! It’s socially conscious!”

Next up was Brooke, a girl who seemed like a low-cal version of Frankie from San Diego. She was raised by two clinical psychologists, which meant already we’d be in for some nutcase action. She then said that she wasn’t a slut, but she was sexually active at a young age. But seriously, she’s not a slut. She also talked about how her parents caused her to have extreme anxiety when she was eight, culminating in panic attacks in her teens. All I knew was that this girl was raised in an environment of psycho-analysis, which meant that she’d probably spend the whole season justifying all her neuroses via the table scraps of psycho-babble she’d picked up throughout her youth.

Last but not least was Tyrie, a former gang member from Omaha, Nebraska. Yes, apparently even Omaha has gangs. I don’t remember much about him except that he was proud of the way he was in bed, proud of his family, and, well, that’s all I can remember. Oh, he likes it when women know when to shut up.

So there you have it. I’m sorry that my notes evaporated because there surely were some other classic comic gems in the second half of the show. Oh, and we have big news. Very big news! As most of you know, there’s been an after-show hosted by Blair for the past few seasons. Well, starting with this season of The Real World, there’s a new after-show on MTV, and it’s hosted by, you guessed it, Madeyoulaugh! Yes, that’s right, it’s going to be a live after-show taped in the TVgasm studios, and Madeyoulaugh will be hosting it (along with Robin from San Diego for at least this week). So everyone tune in and watch for TVgasm on MTV, and vice versa, MTV on TVgasm!