Colie Needs To Get New Sexual Advice

So finally, Outward Bound has been completed. Thank God, because we all know how boring those episodes are, right? This week we get back to a Colie-centric episode, and you know what that means. Light on the self-respect, heavy on the promiscuity. We also get to learn various things about the other members of the show. For example, did you know that Tyrie collects stamps? Or did you know that Stephen has killed dozens of hobos but he hasn’t even been arrested for it one single time? And I bet you didn’t know that Jenn keeps a spreadsheet on how far she’s gone with every single guy she’s ever been with, did you? Ok, I made those things up, and I actually think Jenn’s thing is feasible. Regardless, it was a much more interesting episode this week, so read on to find out what happened.

This week starts out with the crew returning from Outward Bound. Colie gives everyone hugs (she had to leave early, remember, because she “caught mono again”), and she tells everyone that she just had strep and she’s no longer contagious. She didn’t mention anything about her outbreak of the clap though. Everyone tries to keep their distance from her. Then she gives us the line about her thinking she’s a serial dater, and we see a montage of all of the guys she’s made out with. Not as many as Jenn I guess. She says she won’t hook up with Alex again and that she doesn’t understand their relationship. Seems to me like Alex understands it pretty well though. No emotions whatsoever.

Davis gets a call from his sister, and she’s going to come out to Denver with his mom for his birthday. His mom hasn’t really talked to him in months since he came out, and he’s only heard from her one or two times since he’s been in Denver, so he was really touched and excited by this.

Following that, Adam, one of Colie’s previous makeouts, came over and picked her up to go out somewhere. They head Cru, and Colie makes some joke about stalking him. He laughs very nervously. They get back to the house, and I can’t tell if Colie is drunk or not, but she’s totally putting the moves on Adam, trying to get him to sleep over. Whatever she’s selling, he’s not buying. She makes out with him as hard as possible as he leaves, but he still won’t give in. It’s at this point she tells us that Adam doesn’t put out enough for her (or at all), so she’s probably done with him. Well, it was something along those lines, but it probably didn’t sound that slutty.

Meanwhile, everyone else was out at some bar, and they were getting pretty drunk. Alex says he doesn’t really know what’s going on at this point, and when he gets home, he’s giving Colie the eye. She tells us that she’s horny, so she’s just gonna hook up with Alex. So her and Alex go to his bed, and she tells him that she’s “a very talented girl.” President Clinton said oral sex wasn’t sex, and she takes her sexual advice from President Clinton. No word on if she takes her cigar storage advice from him though. Seriously though, kudos to Colie if she is supposedly “talented.” I cannot make fun of her for that.

The next morning, Alex wakes up, possibly naked, most definitely wondering what the fuck he did last night. He’s not sure what happened the night before and if he had sex with Colie or not, but he manages to piece it together and remember that nothing really happened. Then he sees Ty, who said that Colie wasn’t at the house, and Alex just smiles. Ty then calls Alex a son of a bitch and he tells Alex and Colie that he hates them both. GODDAMNSHIT!

Later, Davis and Alex are hanging out at the pool, and Davis asked what happened. Alex says that Colie gave him head, but he didn’t want it to go any further. Apparently, something has made him think that if things went further, then Colie’s feelings would intensify. Alex gets the award for taking the longest to recognize obvious things. Up next he reveals that water is wet.

Now everybody gathers to find out where they’re going for vacation! That must mean it’s Tuesday! Brooke LOVES Tuesday! Brooke says she wants to go somewhere tropical. It turns out they’re all going to Thailand. There is general celebration, and Stephen is excited he doesn’t have to look at any mountains, but Brooke doesn’t look so pleased. She doesn’t know anything about “this country,” and she’s scared to go ALLLL the way over to Asia. So she and Davis are at the computer, and she’s on his lap, and they’re looking up things about Thailand. She thought for a second they were going to Taiwan. She is very simple. But she’s no more excited, as she hates all things she hasn’t tried. Also, I want to point out that Brooke was apparently wearing a see-through shirt, as there was a spot blurred out on it. She’s still putting it out there for Davis, and he’s still not taking it.

That night, everyone is out, and Colie asks Alex if anybody knows what happened between them. Alex says he told them because everyone thought they had sex. Now she’s pissed that he told them, and she also says something about him not being able to be a man and keep his mouth shut. Wasn’t the consensus that men always talk about sex?

Regardless, Colie then launches into this diatribe about why she doesn’t like to sleep alone. It was this really interesting story where there was a thunderstorm or something and then I fell asleep because her talking is boring. Basically it’s her trying to justify why she doesn’t like to sleep alone, which is complete bullshit anyways, and it could almost make her sound like more of a slut that she can’t keep “business” from being “transacted” while under the “sheets.” So she blew Alex because of some thunderstorm when she was 9 or something. Whatever. She tells us that after THIS she’s done with Alex. She hasn’t felt like shit enough times, but NOW she has.

So now she’s on the prowl. She finds Justin, some male model who she mentioned earlier in the episode and she’s talked to him a few times or something. She tells him that she’s good at BJ’s, and when he asks what sets her apart, she says he’ll just have to find out. Now, I hate making fun of girls who are good at BJ’s, but you can’t just go handing them out willy nilly. You have to be selective. No dude wants to date a girl who’s blown 37 guys. Anyways, Justin comes back home with Colie, and Alex tells us that he’s frustrated with her. Uh, Alex, you better elaborate on why you’re frustrated, because otherwise someone will start stalking you again. And her name rhymes with Colie. (It’s Colie.)

Davis goes to pick up his mom and sister at the airport, and it’s actually a really pleasant moment when he sees his mom, and they both sound really happy to see each other. Davis takes them back to the house, but mom is nervous the roommates have heard bad things about her. So he shows them around the house, and his mom is an artist, so she seems to really like the place. Then they’re in his room and he shows them the travel itinerary for his trip to Thailand. They’ll be going to Bangkok! Stephen apparently was taking a nap or something, as he appeared to wake up and look over, confused. Of course, that could just be stock footage, as it appears to happen in EVERY EPISODE.

Following that, Davis takes his mom and sister around Denver. They were trying to think of something to get him for his birthday, and his mom ended up getting him a really nice digital camera. Then he drops them off, because it’s late and they need to go to bed, and he needs to go out and get fucked up for his birthday the next day.

Well, he certainly does get fucked up. He appeared to have kissed all three girls who live in the house, along with a couple of other girls that night. He gets home, and we just see him passed out at the computer. Oops, from another angle, we see he’s passed out, and his boxers are around his ankles. Perhaps he thought the chair was an envelope and he could shit in it. Oh, wait, that’s Colie.

So Davis calls his mom at 11:30 the next morning, and she’s disappointed because apparently he was supposed to meet them for an early breakfast. His mom then takes the opportunity to send Davis on a guilt trip about how far they’ve come to see him, so he should make better choices. Didn’t Davis say he was an alcoholic in one of the first episodes? Maybe a good choice for him would be not getting super-drunk. But, hey, who am I to judge one’s drinking?

His mom wanted to take a car back to the airport, but she agreed to let Davis give them a ride back when he said he wanted to. In the car, it looks like Davis and his mom are trying to share an intimate, emotional moment. However, in addition to Davis’s sister being in the back seat, there is Colie and another girl. And Colie is reading the newspaper. How very respectful. Then the episode ends with Davis’s mom and sister leaving.

So that was the episode. This episode was better than last week’s, but I was still kind of bored. At least next week we’ve got Thailand! Bangkok!

What did you think of the episode? Is Colie whoring herself around (again) now? Does Justin like Colie, or does he just want to get on TV? Can you keep yourself from fooling around with someone when you sleep with them (marriage notwithstanding)?

Make sure to watch the After Show to find out if Saul asked Davis who the best kisser in the house is (my guess is not the girls) and if he got any pointers about shitting in envelopes.