Love was in the air on tonight’s extra-romantic edition of The Real World: Austin. Rachel found a hunky new beau to cuddle with while Wes and Nehemiah pathetically attempted to bed every blonde-haired woman from Austin to Houston. Thankfully, the plucky residents of Texas rejected these lecherous reality stars, leaving all our best buds with some wounded egos and an extra dose of horniness. It wasn’t a total wash though. At least one person got to orgasm tonight, and that would be Lacey, whose eyes surely rolled back in her head with all the gossip she was able to spread. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday night.I approached tonight’s episode with a certain amount of dread. After all, the pre-show recap focused almost entirely on Rachel and her boyfriend Eric. The two are on a break, you see, which means that Rachel has the right to not only slut it up around town, but then come crying back to Eric on the phone asking for forgiveness. It’s really the perfect way to maximize your screen time (cough, Shavonda, cough). So what would tonight have in store for us? Drunken hookups? Teary-eyed apologies? A visit to Jenny Craig? Eh, sort of.
Turns out tonight’s episode was thankfully lighthearted, making all the proceedings entirely more enjoyable than The Plight Of Melinda we witnessed three weeks ago. The show kicked off with highly suggestive imagery of fountains spewing and gushing (like semen!). Might this be a theme? Perhaps. We then cut to Rachel clawing at her boyfriend’s sticky package. No, not his penis. Turns out Eric had actually sent her a mysterious box that was sticky, wet, and basically a giant red flag for Homeland Security. What could he have possibly packed in there? Maple syrup? Eggs? Semen? (That’s the theme, after all).
No, the sticky goo turned out to be melted ice cream. And not just any ice cream. Cotton Candy Ice Cream — Rachel’s fave. Unfortunately, it had all melted (shocker!) because Eric had packed it with… (sigh)… regular ice. There was so much idiocy inherent in this little scene that I thought my head might explode. I couldn’t tell what I hated more: that some incredibly dumb human shipped ice cream with ice or that some incredibly dumb human loves cotton candy ice cream. Well, we later found out that Eric indeed used dry ice, so I guess the winner is Rachel and her stupid cotton candy ice cream.
Anyway, the melted ice cream quickly stank up the house and became ground zero for everyone’s derision. We then cut to Lacey, cackling, “Who’s the outcast now, BITCH!” Okay, she didn’t say that, but Melinda did ask the question most on our minds: “Who sends ice cream in the mail?” My thoughts exactly. And with that, Melinda and I found ourselves on the same wavelength for the first and possibly last time ever.
Well, Eric’s gift may have all been melted and ruined, but Rachel was still happy. “Ice cream is the way to get my heart,” she said, adding, “Actually, any food will do, really. Now where’s my Ring-Ding omelette?” Later, after storing the remaining ice cream in the freezer (uh, ice cream doesn’t re-freeze. I guess you weren’t stationed at the Baghdad Ice Cream Parlor, WERE YOU?), Rachel called up her boy and thanked him. In baby talk. Yes. She’s a baby talker. “Ohhh baby. I don’t know what happened, but thank you so much, honey. It still made me smile and laugh,” she said in the sort of cutesy-wootsy voice that makes you want to just grab her head and plunge it into a vat of melted cotton candy ice cream. Seriously, there are very few people I can tolerate baby talk from, and guess what? THEY’RE ALL BABIES.
Hey, let’s play Fill In The Blank. In an interview, Rachel said, “I’m on a break with Eric because____.”
A) He can’t provide ice cream in its optimal form.
B) He’s been hitting buffets with other women.
C) I just want to be wild and crazy!
As logical as A and B are, the correct answer is C. Rachel just wants to party, and dammit if some lowly person who cares for her is gonna hold her back. We then cut to her dancing at a bar, and man, was she going crazy. With her index fingers pointed towards the ceiling and her arms see-sawing up and down, Rachel seemed to be imitating every senior citizen that ever danced to “Love Shack” at a Bat Mitzvah.
While Rachel flailed about, our old buddy Wes surfaced to talk about how much ass he was getting. “I meet fifty girls a night,” he said, adding, “Well, I mean, I look at their pictures on MySpace and think about emailing them. It’s pretty cool.” Yes, it’s hard to believe that Wes is a casanova, especially when he says things like, “A lot of them just throw themselves at me.” Well, technically, they’re shoving you out of the way so they can go throw up somewhere, but that’s okay. You say potato, and I say you’re an idiot.
Ah, but Wes wasn’t done. “Nehemiah and me. We’re gonna have competitions to see who can hook up with the most girls.” Hey, didn’t he say that on day one about Danny? I guess since Danny has “game” and Wes “doesn’t,” we had to even the playing field by taking on Nehemiah instead. Hmmm…something tells me that by next week, Wes will be boasting, “So you know that retarded guy who bags groceries at the super market? Yeah, well, we’re gonna have a competition to see who can hook up with the most girls. It’ll be awesome.”
Back to Rachel. While Wes was being one Wild And Crazy Guy, Rachel managed to fall in love with a local bouncer named Collin. No, he didn’t present her with a box of melted ice cream (c’mon, he’s not perfect), but he did give her slightly more attention than most of the other guys at the bar, and that was enough for the little hearts to appear in her eyes. The next day, Rachel babbled to Melinda about her attraction to Collin. Surely it couldn’t happen, she reasoned, because “I think he’s really like a nine, and I’m like a seven.” Well, maybe an Iraq War seven. Just because you’re hotter than Lynndie England doesn’t make you the belle of Austin.
Anyway, Rachel also reminisced on the very first time she met Collin. “We were walking down the street, and he says, ‘Free martinis for the ladies,’ and then Wes said, ‘Can I get one?’” So either Wes thinks he’s a lady, or he just really likes martinis. Coincidence? I think gay. I mean, I think not.
Actually, a free drink is a free drink. I can’t come down too harshly on Wes for trying to finagle one for himself. But I can come down harshly on his relentlessly poseur ways. Case in point: After a week of promos, we finally saw the notorious “Groupie Drawer.” It was a drawer where Nehemiah and Wes deposited all the numbers they had received from drunken women across the city. Normally, I’m sure people might be mildly shocked at this quietly chauvinistic conceit, but I thought it was great. I mean, any girl who hands over her number to these losers simply because they have a camera crew deserves to be objectified in the Groupie Drawer.
Well, because Wes is such a ladies man, he casually went over the Groupie Drawer and asked, “Who do I want to have sex with tonight?” He then pulled out a number and squealed, “Oh good! Steve! Uh, I mean, Stevette. He’s a girl. I mean, she’s a guy. I mean, uh, I gotta go.”
Anyway, because he and Nehemiah were having such a hard time remembering what all these girls looked like, Wes suggested that the two buy a Polaroid. And he wasn’t joking. Yes, that’ll be real smooth in a bar. Girls LOVE creepy strangers who take their photos for their own personal use! At the very least, invest in a digital camera. Might as well try to make your documentation seem somewhat spontaneous.
Well, after Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb finally selected which girls they’d like to have sex with (and by “sex,” I mean, “fantasize about”), the two guys headed into the phone lounge to make some calls. But uh oh! Guess who was on the phone?? Our old friend Lacey. PERFECT. Doesn’t she realize that the attractive people need to use the phone? Shoo, outcast, shoo!
Lacey then told us in an interview that she felt it was weird that the guys were calling all these girls and inviting them over. And yet, she happily sat next to Nehemiah and Wes, carefully observing their every move and soaking up any potential morsels of gossip. Must…cause…trouble…
We now pause to say hi to Danny. Everyone wave hi to Danny and his ice pack. Hi Danny! Okay, back to the show.
After calling about half the population of Austin, Wes finally managed to wrangle four girls. And being the cool guy that he is, when the ladies arrived at the house, Wes barely even said anything to them before hopping back into the pool. Eventually, one of the gals said, “I didn’t know I should bring my bathing suit.” That’s girl talk for “Get out of the pool and pay attention to us.” And you know what, she wasn’t crazy for implying that. She was, after all, a guest. But let’s not forget, all these women didn’t have penises, so, well, you can see the inherent problem for Wes.
Behold Lacey – Queen of the Pool Noodles!!!!
At this point, Nehemiah told us, “Wes does not necessarily have game that I’m seeing.” Ah, but then Melinda commented that Nehemiah “probably doesn’t have too much game with women.” So basically Wes and Nehemiah have no skillz with the ladies? But surely anyone who has a Groupie Drawer and a burgeoning Polaroid collection fund must have game. For goodness sake, they showed the women their suede sheets. What more do they need?? Stimulating conversation? Psssh. Now you’re talkin’ crazy.
Well, in a not so shocking turn of events, the girls all left without hooking up with Wes or Nehemiah. Man, that’s just sad. Even the guys from Philadelphia could peddle their low wattage celebrity for at least a smooch in the hot tub. But alas. By the end of the night, Wes was probably still asking, “Who do I want to have sex with tonight?” but I’m pretty sure his options were now limited to “left hand” or “right.” “I’m gonna go nuts tomorrow, dude. I’m gonna make out with thirty girls,” he said. Hey man, kissing the pages of Victoria’s Secret doesn’t count. And neither does the J.C. Penney circular. You know that, right?
The next day, Rachel ran into Collin at a bar, and as they flirted, she told us, “I’ve crawled through barbed wire and shot a gun…I definitely need a tough man.” She then added, “Speaking of Iraq, did I mention I was in Iraq? Because I was. In Iraq, that is.” Well, Rachel is such a tough girl that she busted out her baby talk once again. Back at the house, she told the girls in that obnoxious voice, “I like Collin. He held my hand all night.” Actually, he was just trying to keep you from running off to Sizzler.
Speaking of food, Collin and Rachel eventually decided to go out for sushi, and thus we were treated to a lovely montage of birds and bees flittering around Austin. Honestly, I’m surprised we didn’t see any trains in tunnels, rockets taking off, or at the very least, used condoms on the sidewalk.
Anyway, as Rachel prepped for her big date, Johanna noted, “You’re going out to sushi, which means you have to be classy and delicate.” Hmmm…that’s a tall order. Maybe she should just stay home with the cotton candy ice cream. Well, eventually, there was a knock at the door, and hey, was that Casper the Friendly Ghost talking to Rocco DiSpirito? Oh, never mind. It was just Lacey greeting Collin.
After some small talk, the two lovebirds headed out on their date, with Collin looking ever so classy and delicate in his baseball cap and basketball jersey. The two shared sake bombs and then returned to the house where they chatted (more baby talk — I hate you Rachel) and then made out in bed. We then paused for a commercial break, and when we returned, apparently a little drama had occurred. Rachel had kicked Collin out of bed because she was tired and he was drunk. Sounds harmless enough, right? Well, the wonder twins (a.k.a. Wes and Lacey) had a field day gossiping about it. The two babbled about Rachel, agreeing that she was very rude to Collin by kicking him out of bed. “‘Get off me, I’m done, I’m going to bed’? She’s treating this like a man,” said Wes. Seriously, Rachel WTF?? Why aren’t you being a good woman and letting Collin decide when he wants to leave? Now get back in that kitchen and make him a meal!
Speaking of feminine touches, Wes was still determined to prove his masculinity. He made a bet with Johanna that at the club, she would get to pick a girl from “the eight to ten category” and then Wes would have exactly fifteen minutes to make out with her. If he failed, he would then have to make out with the ugliest girl in the bar. This was actually pretty sweet. It was kind of like a teen movie, except with stronger undercurrents of closeted homosexuality.
We then cut to the club where oh my gosh! It’s Harry Potter gettin’ down with the ladies!! Oh, never mind. It was just Wes. Honestly, slap some thick framed glasses on him, and we’d have the world’s favorite little wizard. Anyway, it was time for Wes to perform. He attempted to hit on a girl named Reesa, but, well, this was not the brightest pairing in the world. “Tell me one thing about you that is individualistic,” said Wes. Yes, apparently before he makes out with the girls, he wants them to fill out a college application. Reesa’s response: “I’m from Houston.” Ah. And that makes you individualistic how? Yes, I’m so unique that I live in a metropolitan area…with MILLIONS of other people!
Anyway, it was time for Wes to really get his game on. He told Reesa and her two friends that he would kiss all three of them and then choose who he’d take back with him. You promise? Well, the girls may not have known what “individualistic” meant, but at least they could sniff out a poseur. All three decidedly rejected Wes, sending him back into the cackling arms of Johanna and Rachel. So did he still have to make out with an ugly girl? I can just imagine Wes’s reaction: “Are you really gonna make me kiss an ugly girl? Because that’s f*cked up. And don’t you dare change the rules and make me kiss a guy. Because I don’t want to…but I hate to welch on a bet. So if it means keeping my word, then yes, I will make out with any man in this bar.”
The next day, Wes called up his friend Crystal to gossip about Rachel. “Rachel’s so bad about relationships, it’s not even funny,” he said, adding, “Anyway, did I tell you about the girls I didn’t make out with last night?” Now, I don’t know who this Crystal person is, but I think she might be from Austin because she seemed to know quite a bit about this Collin character. In fact, she had some harsh news. Collin had a girlfriend. Yes! I knew this would be a rehashing of Lori’s crush on Harry Winston doorman (turned Bachelorette contestant) Jerry. You just know that whenever Bunim/Murray plays patronizing music for a whole episode and peppers a storyline with silly sexual imagery that the romance will end up in ruins. After all, had these lovebirds actually become a couple, the episode would have been filled with lusty music and earnest proclamations like, “I…I think I really like him” and “For the first time, I feel myself opening up” and “We really connect. It’s crazy.”
Anyway, after having his powwow with the mysterious Crystal, Wes alerted Rachel that Collin had said, “I’m going after Rachel because I can.” Ouch! Looks like he met a bet with Johanna too! Well, Rachel looked fairly devastated by the news, and I’m surprised she didn’t immediately pour a box of cotton candy ice cream down her mouth Popeye style. Instead, she and her posse returned to Collin’s bar where she found him with his girlfriend (who was significantly hotter than Rachel. An Iraq 9, probably). At one point, it looked like Collin was coming over to apologize, but oh SNAP! He just tapped his buddy instead. Looks like your number is going back in his groupie drawer, Rachel.
The episode ended with Rachel calling up Eric and saying how much she loves him. It was her way of saying, “Thanks for loving me. Because no one else will. By the way, could you send me some fried chicken in the mail?”
What did you think? How dumb is Wes?