Dog the Booty Hunter

Real World

By B-Side | Tuesday, October 25, 2005 | 12:54 pm | 59 Comments

reese_bedBig news on Real World: Austin this past week. We finally met the man behind the myth, the man behind the legend, the man behind… the cotton candy ice cream fiasco. Yes, Rachel’s boyfriend Erik surfaced in Austin, and while sadly he brought no melted dairy confections, he did arrive with a small, annoying pooch in hand, thus ensuring that we’d have at least one thing to mock about him. Surprisingly enough, I was okay with this story though. Normally I hate the “hometown honey” arcs that have plagued so many seasons before this, but I’ve come to accept a strange truth about Austin: whenever an episode centers on Rachel, it’s usually pretty good, if only because we leave with a treasure trove of laughable moments. Then again, maybe I’m just exhausted from the never ending chaos that is Danny and Melinda. Oooh, I shouldn’t have even mentioned their names, lest I awaken some dreaded reality beast…This week’s episode didn’t kick off in the Dizzy Rooster (phonograph scratch!) nor did it open with Danny or Melinda lying in bed (an old woman just fainted at the dinner table!). No, the show began with Rachel babbling on the phone with her boyfriend Erik. You see, the big man was coming to town, which meant it was time to begin Rachel’s Amazing Technicolor Cocktease. Step 1: promise Erik sex. Step 2: arrange for a dogsitter. Step 3: prepare a vat of cotton candy ice cream. Step 4: nap. But poor Erik didn’t realize his trip to Texas was going to leave him deep in the heart of blue balls. And who could blame him? Of course he’d be expecting some action, especially after Rachel told him, “And we can have someone watch Reese while we’re having sex!” For those of you wondering, Reese is Rachel’s puff of a dog: tiny, white, and perfect for kicking. Anyway, because it was super important that this tiny mongrel accompany Erik on his voyage to Austin, Rachel then went from room to room, asking her roommates if the dog could stay in the house for the weekend. To her credit, this gesture was a lot more selfless than just about anything else we’ve ever seen over the past sixteen seasons. Unfortunately for Rachel, her Reese reunion seemed to hit a snag when Wes revealed he was allergic to white-haired dogs. Dunh dunh DUNH! Oh wait, he was just joking. Never mind! A little of the ole pet dander humor. That stuff kills in Vegas! It kills! Just wait until he pulls out his Claritin material. Watch out Joan Lunden: Wes has got your number!

All this was fun and everything, but I went into insta-groan mode as we then cut to Danny and Melinda holding hands and walking the streets of Austin. Great. Was this going to be some ill-fated attempt to parallel the dramas of two relationships: Danny and Melinda vs. Rachel and Erik? Thankfully no. Turns out Danny hadn’t pressed charges on the douchebag who had broken his skull, but now he was ready to hunt him down. It was clear that the entire situation was making Danny-boy tense, but luckily, he had the undying support of Melinda, who really stepped up to punchbag duty in typical happy form. “Take your aggression out on me. In bed!” she suggested in one of those “Ha ha ha ha, wait, that’s f*cked up” moments. Nevertheless, Danny connected with a Detective Sullivan (not to be confused with EVERY OTHER DETECTIVE in America) and soon the wheels of justice began to turn ever so slowly. Yay!

Meanwhile, over at the airport, Rachel eagerly awaited the arrival of her boyfriend and dog. And because being annoying takes more than just a small dog, Rachel also wore her super special “I [heart] Erik” tank top, clearly purchased at a store that should burn down and never be rebuilt ever ever ever again. Well, Erik eventually lumbered down the escalator with wee Reese pokin’ out of a carry-on bag, and while the happy family hugged and kissed, we then zipped back to the mansion where — uh oh! — Lacey was gossipin’ to her boyfriend Ryan. LaceyGossip is always one of the high points of every episode, mostly because a) she’s usually pretty dead-on with her gabbing, and b) it makes all the other roommates so mad. I mean, this girl has something to say about everything. I’d love to see her sports commentary: “Daunté Culpepper goes back to throw to Nate Burleson, but it’s incomplete! I don’t know why he always passes to Nate. You can tell they don’t get along. Daunté’s always like ‘Let’s hang out and talk,’ but Nate’s all like ‘No, I don’t want to,’ which I think is really dumb because Daunté can’t keep living through Nate, but I guess he’s just not at that place in his life where he’s ready to accept that.” Or something like that.

Well, tonight’s gossip was all about Rachel and Erik. You see, Rachel had been boasting about how Erik’s been saving up for a wedding ring, which might seem counter-intuitive considering the two have been on a “break” for the whole season. “I’m like this guy puts money in every month to save your ring, and you’re on a break??” Lacey asked Ryan rhetorically. Exactly. And because it wouldn’t be a Lacey rant without a touch of “logic” (a curse word in Real World houses), she then elaborated to us during an interview: “I don’t think breaks make any sense because I think it’s very disrespectful, and it’s hurtful, and you know what? If I’m not good enough now, I won’t be good enough later.” Where was Lacey last season when we had to sit through episode after episode of Shavonda and her sucky boyfriend Shaun?

Lacey then finished up her convo with Ryan by expressing concern about meeting Erik: “I want to be like dude, you’re either like ‘Love is blind’ or you’re really dumb.” Um, I’m going to go with option B (one word: ice cream in priority mail).

Speaking of dumb, Reese soon made his grand entrance into the Real World mansion, and for some reason, Danny really wanted to see if the little guy could swim in the pool. The experiment was short-lived, however, when it became glaringly obvious that Reese would have succumbed to a watery death had he ventured one doggie-paddle further into the vast estuary for infection that is the living room pool. Luckily, the struggling dog was scooped out of the water and placed on the carpet where it amusingly scampered around like an overactive dreidel.

rattyreese
Because Reese wasn’t ratty enough when he was dry.

All this was well and good, but ahem, there was sex to be had. Erik and Rachel jumped under the covers (with Reese happily chilling out above them on the comforter — hey, what happened to the dogsitter?), and just when we thought the night-vision would turn on and the boom-boom-boom would get started, Rachel announced, “I don’t want to have sex.” Insert Debbie Downer “Wah wah wah” here.

“There’s just not that chemistry there anymore,” Rachel later explained. Well, I hope you’ve got some chemistry with American Airlines because you best be paying for Erik’s flight home. (Wow, I just turned into Mo’nique.) Yes, instead of porking, Rachel just wanted to lie down and cuddle, maybe nap. I know: very kinky. Well, Erik wasn’t so into the whole nap scene, so while Rachel dozed, he headed off to the living room and played fooz ball with Wes (while Reese amusingly zipped by in the background. Huh. Maybe this dog’s grown on me after all.) “I’ve never met one man in the military that I haven’t liked, just cause they’ve got such a good outlook on life,” Wes announced, clearly never having met, you know, a wacked-out homeless Army vet.

Later, the gang headed out to the Dizzy Rooster (wave of relief overcoming me) where a drunken Danny announced that he was going to marry Melinda someday. Uh, earmuffs Erik. But it was too late. Erik told Rachel he felt the same way about her, to which she responded, “We’ll talk about it later.” Yes, true love indeed!

The next day, we showed up at the Bow-Wow Festival where all sorts of diminutive dogs (and possibly rappers) showed up to run around and jump through hoops. This exciting scene was short-lived, however, as it was merely just a segue to a good old-fashioned pooping dog sequence. Yes, Reese left a little digestive artifact on the bathroom rug, and Melinda almost stepped in it. To be fair, had it been Danny’s shit, she gladly would have mashed her heel in it. Sorry, gross image.

After Rachel cleaned up the mess, Danny then picked up Reese and reprimanded, “Poop in the toilet, just like Wes.” Hey, how do we know that poop wasn’t Wes’s in the first place? An ode to the groupies, if you will.

VENUS FLYTRAP ALERT! That night, a confused and horny Erik meandered upstairs to the computer room where he found Lacey supremely holding court. “I need an outside opinion,” he said regarding the Rachel situation. You could almost hear Lacey licking her chops. I’m surprised she didn’t curve her face into a grinning rictus, tent her fingers, and say, “Why yes, my pretty!” I mean, this was the most ill-advised meeting since Ariel asked Ursula for legs.

Well, with the vulnerable Erik pliant for manipulation, Lacey got to work. “Just from my perspective, I think you’re getting the short end of the stick, for sure,” she said. “I would NEVER do that to my boyfriend!” Hey check that out! A little vintage Melanie from Philly. Now, I can’t say that I disagreed with Lacey — in fact, I thought she was fairly on-the-money, but, well, it wasn’t really her place to say anything, especially since those tricky producers had designed the house to be as eavesdrop-friendly as possible. Sure enough, guess who was listening in on the whole conversation? Rachel! Just when we thought last week’s caught-on-tape debacle was drama enough, here came Rachel quietly lurking under the loft, listening to Lacey say, “Honestly, I like Rachel, but I think what she’s doing to you is really shitty.” Cat fight? Please??? No, instead Rachel simply vented to us in an interview, saying, “I cannot understand Lacey for the life of me. She’s really kind of becoming almost a snake to me.” A snake in a Halifax sweatshirt, no less. See! She even turned on ENON!!

lacey_halifax
And you call yourself an Enon fan…

Later, Rachel and Erik got all fancy and such and forwent the Macaroni Grill for P.F. Chang’s instead. While the two waited in line, Rachel revealed that she had heard all of Erik’s conversation (doh!) and didn’t want him to discredit everything just because he was listening to stupid Lacey. Stupid Lacey — a.k.a. the voice of reason, albeit inappropriate reason. Well, the emotions of this impasse really killed the whole P.F. Chang’s vibe; so the couple jetted and found a nice tree to sit under and talk. What would happen to them? What would their status be? Did they still love each other? Let’s put it this way: Erik was head over heels with Rachey, but as for her? Eh. “Would it hurt the least to be still ‘Rachel & Erik on a break,’ or would it hurt the least to say, ‘Okay, let’s just be friends for the next two months?’” she asked, clearly providing two distinct options to chose from. It was like saying, “Would you like mashed potatoes or mashed potahtoes?” In the end, one thing was glaringly obvious: “Reese has got divorced parents,” bemoaned Erik. Yeah, and in other news, Reese probably just spent the past two hours licking his balls. I don’t think he’ll care that much.

Back at the house, Wes decided to cheer up ol’ Erik with one of his poseur events. “We have a plan for tonight. At R-Bar, there’s a VIP section in the basement… And then we’re gonna call every girl in our groupie drawer, any girl that’s ever jocked our nuts, we’re just going to call them all. All of them up, all the same time, and bring them to the VIP section of this bar tonight… And it’ll just be a vagina-fest. Just don’t tell Rachel about it,” Wes said, clearly not seeing Rachel standing RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Wow, it was like an ’80s movie and an ’80s sitcom all wrapped up into one!

Nevertheless, Wes and his loyal follower Nehemiah got to work calling all their “groupies” (a.k.a. fame-starved skanks), and the big story of the night was that Wes was telling the sorority girls that Erik was actually a casting director for the MTV show, “Sorority Girls” (ahem, it’s Sorority Life, R.I.P.). Unsurprisingly, Rachel was none too happy about all this activity. “It hurts if I see you with girls with my own eyes,” she moped — because clearly he’ll never have to see her with other guys. Oh wait, never mind. That already happened and it was broadcast ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

Well, Wes and the gang headed to the VIP room of R-Bar where a whopping three groupies showed up to partake in Vagina-Fest 2005 (starring the biggest vagina of all, Wes). In true territorial fashion, the ladies of The Real World showed up to make sure their boys were under control, but of course, Rachel had a hard time dealing and left soon after. Not to fear, my little fluff of cotton candy: at the end of the night, Erik turned down all the feminine wiles of Wes’s harem and returned to the mansion, faithful as ever.

Hey, remember that Danny subplot? Yeah, well, Detective Sullivan called to say that a warrant was issued for the guy’s arrest. Would have happened sooner, you know, but there were a few flower burglaries that needed tending to first. Ultimately, Danny told us, “I just hope that kid gets what’s coming to him. It’s not a revenge thing.” Uhhh… actually, it sort of is. Well, I guess you could say “justice” too. I won’t press it too hard though because that guy should be held responsible. He broke Danny’s skull! His dickish, asshole skull!

As the show came to an end, Rachel bid adieu to Erik and Reese, but confusion still lingered. “He’s got to understand,” she said, “It’s not worth it for me and him to get married and be in an untrue situation.” Well, then break up with him. Don’t toy with his heart. You think he’s capable of dealing with this mental anguish? HE PUT ICE CREAM IN THE MAIL. Then again, who knows what Erik would do if they broke up… “Hmmm… she loves Cherry Coke. I’ll send her some to win her back!” Cut to Erik pouring a can of Cherry Coke into an envelope and sealing it.

With nothing to do but embrace some comfort food, Rachel whipped up a pot of matzoh ball soup and then dialed back the women’s rights movement a few years: “It’s important to get rid of the party-girl side of me; so I can embrace the housewife, grown-up side of me.” You know, she’s right though. That party side of hers has been waaaaay out of control. Like the time when she had two drinks! Holy moly!

In the end, it was Wes who had the most winning advice of all: “You suck at life.” Sort of like how Wes sucks at brains. What did you think about this show? Are you excited for tonight’s episode?

About

59 Comments

  1. 1
    yourlate
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:10 pm

    B-Side you friggin rock. That paragraph had me rolling for like 10 minutes. Well worth the wait!

  2. 2
    yourlate
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:13 pm

    “VENUS FLYTRAP ALERT! That night, a confused and horny Erik meandered upstairs to the computer room where he found Lacey supremely holding court. “I need an outside opinion,” he said regarding the Rachel situation. You could almost hear Lacey licking her chops. I’m surprised she didn’t curve her face into a grinning rictus, tent her fingers, and say, “Why yes, my pretty!” I mean, this was the most ill-advised meeting since Ariel asked Ursula for legs.”–sorry i meant this paragraph

  3. 3
    Tiffany
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:23 pm

    I really like Lacey, but I have stopped watching this show and just read your recaps. I loved the little mermaid reference, but my Tuesday nights are now devoted to nip/tuck.

  4. 4
    Kimberly
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:32 pm

    “Since Ariel asked Ursula for legs,” was hilariously dead-on.

    I can’t wait for the reunion episode. Bets should be made on how much of the episode is dedicated to Lacey’s gossiping.

  5. 5
    ruplub
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:40 pm

    I’m sorry you have to watch this dung heap of a show to give us these great re-caps. I stopped watching the show a while ago, but your write-ups are pretty damn funny, B-Side. I miss Sorority Life too….

  6. 6
    mountain girl
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:51 pm

    I, too, have stopped watching the show but more because of the fact that they make me want to rip the skin off my body to distract me from their collective stupidity.

    Case in point…”We have a plan for tonight. At R-Bar, there’s a VIP section in the basement… And then we’re gonna call every girl in our groupie drawer, any girl that’s ever jocked our nuts, we’re just going to call them all. All of them up, all the same time, and bring them to the VIP section of this bar tonight… And it’ll just be a vagina-fest. Just don’t tell Rachel about it,” – Did Wes really say this? I had to reread it as I was sure that I missed the “not really” that usually accompanies these things? How can Wes be this dumb?

    Thank you B-Side for these excellent recaps so that I can still enjoy the Real World without most of the pain.

  7. 7
    ALECIA
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:54 pm

    i am seriously sick of this cast. these people are LAME. lacey aggrivates me sooo bad!!! shes so FUGLY

    i will still watch, but i hate all these people, they totally suck.

  8. 8
    Amykins
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 1:58 pm

    You is toooo funny yo. Love me some B-side recaps. When are you getting to last nights Guna episode? Your caps are so money it keeps me rolling sevens all day!!

  9. 9
    Jessica
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:05 pm

    B-side I seriously wish i was your best friend…

  10. 10
    RevRun
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:36 pm

    These recaps are uproariously funny. I must say, I was not actually watching this season until recently, but your recaps were better than watching the show itself. Your commentary is on point at all times. I weep for the future when I see this bunch of logic-starved wonders taking up valuable breathing space in a city I liked a great deal. I’ve actually been to R-Bar, and now it has been tainted with the stench that is RW: Austin.

  11. 11
    NYGirl
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:41 pm

    why the hell am i laughing so hard about the ratty dog?
    b-side, if given the option to eat some of the nasty,crusty, envelope glue-tasting (seinfeld, anyone?), melted cotton candy ice cream or listen to/look at rachel for 1 more minute, which would you pick? the ice cream that slowly eats away at your gumline as you drink it? yeah, me too.

  12. 12
    Leah
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:45 pm

    im so glad you watch this so i dont have to. you can tell rachel was the girl in high school who followed popular girls around and then thought she was popular by default.

  13. 13
    NYGirl
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:45 pm

    “Rachel announced, “I don’t want to have sex.” Insert Debbie Downer “Wah wah wah” here.”

    ^ shit, i didn’t even see the debbie downer part–brilliant!

    did you know that having sex while in the presence of a ratty dog can cause uncomfortable chafing in your “danger zone”?
    Wah Wah Wah

  14. 14
    Dave
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:45 pm

    good ish…RACHEL SUCKS AT LIFE….BIG TIME!!!

  15. 15
    arnold_drummond
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:48 pm

    Wow, Rachel’s boyfriends was one big time wiener. That being said, I’d love to see the D-bag dating Mel that thought he could treat her like shit, reality check buddy. Is Danny the most annoying tosser ever?

  16. 16
    Amanda
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 2:51 pm

    Bside,
    I can’t believe you didn’t jump all over Wes’ “I’ve never met one man in the military that I haven’t liked” comment–yeah, I’m so shocked Wes loves a man in uniform!! Great recap-

  17. 17
    E
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 3:07 pm

    Best recap yet, even if it had only been as long as this section: “It was like saying, “Would you like mashed potatoes or mashed potahtoes?” In the end, one thing was glaringly obvious: “Reese has got divorced parents,” bemoaned Erik. Yeah, and in other news, Reese probably just spent the past two hours licking his balls. I don’t think he’ll care that much.”

    Um, shouldn’t Reese be more concerned that his “parents” are as dumb as a box of cotton candy ice cream?

  18. 18
    The Svan
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 3:13 pm

    The Svan says nice work B-Side.

  19. 19
    bacardi
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 3:19 pm

    If I ever get turned down for sex by a nasty, fugly, skank like Rachel, it would mean that I’ve truly hit rock-bottom and would have to shot-gun blast myself in the face Kurt Cobain style.

  20. 20
    Diane
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 3:22 pm

    too bad i thought the dog was the best part of this episode. i hate the entire cast, especially nehemiah who claims to be all about the ladies….yet he hasn’t gotten one yet.

  21. 21
    noballs
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 3:41 pm

    B-Side You are HILARIOUS!

    “It was like saying, “Would you like mashed potatoes or mashed potahtoes?” …. in other news, Reese probably just spent the past two hours licking his balls. I don’t think he’ll care that much.”

    And pouring a can of cherry coke in and envelope!! You are so funnie. You had me in tears.

    Terrible season this year but you make it bearable. Cannot stand Pasty Lacey.

  22. 22
    noballs
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 3:43 pm

    BTW If your dog needs a “Dogsitter” just for you have sex, time for a new dog! Can they not separate for 4 minutes?

  23. 23
    Mullethead
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 4:27 pm

    B-Side, you are the Claude Monet of recapping. You are ABSOLUTELY the funnest read ever.

    With that said…

    This cast is BY FAR

    theeeeeeeeeeeeeeee mooooooooooooooooost booooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..

    Please make it stop!

  24. 24
    Midwest Chick
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 5:05 pm

    Yay… I loved the Minnesota Vikings reference. Good work. This show is not even worth watching anymore… I have never cared less about a RW season before. I am hoping next season, (I heard its in FL somewhere) is better or I am officially done with the RW franchise

  25. 25
    tara
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 5:17 pm

    this recap was great B-side, but can you please get your Laguna Beach one up… Cedric???

  26. 26
    mere2142
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 5:45 pm

    I miss Sorority Life…remember when that girl slapped the other one across the face….ah the good old days.

  27. 27
    wla
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 6:15 pm

    All in all a great recap, but I don’t know if I can support your intense love for Lacey. I do share her hatred for most of the cast, but I distinctly remember thinking how illogical it was that she couldn’t think of one reason a break makes sense.

    Wes is maybe the most annoying person ever, but at least he’s not an insecure, out of place, shrew. I think we could all do well fitting a little Wes into our lexicon. Like:

    Boss: “Hey, westla, I’d like you to fly up to Stanford this weekend for recruiting.”

    westla: “Nehemia, we haaave to get Danny to go with us, we’ll get soooo much pussy. I’ll call up all the Tri Delts, it will be a vagina fest.”

    Boss: “Who’s Nehemia?”

    westla: “Lets go to the Dizzy Rooster!”

    Boss: “You’re fired”

    On second thought, that’s not a good idea. Wess is retarded.

  28. 28
    clarke14
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 6:31 pm

    loved the vikings reference, too bad they suck this year…. :(

  29. 29
    KittyPC
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 7:53 pm

    This recap was well worth the wait. I was not only laughing out loud, but positively GUFFAWING (phonograph scratch, Mo’nique, Debbie Downer wah wah wah, Venus flytrap, Ariel and Ursula, Cherry Coke in an envelope…). Too, too funny…Thank you B-Side, you are a comedic genius! I wouldn’t even bother with the show any more except for how hilarious these re-caps are (which brings me to the only downside: will I get sucked into the next season, just to keep reading them?)

  30. 30
    jenny
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 10:17 pm

    b-side you are hilarious and i hope you read peoples comments because it would definately boost my self esteem to have a bunch of people tell me im funny. i appreciate your recaps of real world and laguna beach–thanks.

  31. 31
    Alicia
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 10:21 pm

    Vagina-Fest 2005….ahhh I love it!!!!

  32. 32
    Jenis21
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 11:46 pm

    This Recap was right on point.. First of all this season freakin sucks.. Is there any point to the show… Lacey is ugly as hell..danny is slow..mel looks like the chick from the cartoon chip and dale.. niamaiah however u spell his name is just annoying.. and wes ugh do we really have to look at him.. and rachel should be glad she has any man wanting her.. johanna is about the only decent one despite getting played and arrested for stealing a raggady rose from a bum.. It sucks!! I hope next season’s cast are atleast people you can stand to look at..

  33. 33
    N-Dawg
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 4:53 am

    “too bad i thought the dog was the best part of this episode. i hate the entire cast, especially nehemiah who claims to be all about the ladies….yet he hasn’t gotten one yet.”

    Diane…im so gonna have to co-sign on ur comments….he is the pimp w/ no bitches….LOL…how does that make sense?!?!?!

  34. 34
    Ali
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 6:28 am

    HAHAH Rachel’s Amazing Technicolor Cocktease! HAHA I love it! B-side you are amazing!

    Even though I saw it a million times in the previews, I still loved the part when rachel was like “Im standing right behind you”. I dont know why, maybe its just because I hate Wes…and Rachel. But Wes more.

    and pouring coke into an envelope! HAHA..hysterical.

    RIP Sorority Life..miss it!

  35. 35
    Veronica
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 7:07 am

    This cast really does suck. They are all a bunch of bums going no where in life. I can’t stand melinda. She claims to be a wild child and loves SEX. Uh, she’s only had sex with Danny and I bet that wasn’t even that great.
    Rachel is an idiot, she says her and erik are on a break and then when they come back from Vagina fest and tells erik how it was hard to see him with other girls and he said that now she should know how he feels because they were broken up and then she says ” we aren’t broken up” if i was erik i’d throw the cotton candy ice cream in her face and tell her to shut the F*** up! These people are so stupid, I don’t know why I watch them, I guess so that I could hate them all even more. I only like lacey and she gets to me sometimes. johanna has buck teeth and should never smile.

  36. 36
    EdHill
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 7:33 am

    Lacey’s like quotient was off the charts. I like, loved it and stuff.

    It’s amazing how Wes is still playing the whole stud angle when everyone knows he only got laid once. But god I love it when we get introspective Wes. That man OWNS the confessional.

  37. 37
    Jess
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 8:13 am

    Melinda has a good body .. but that is where it all ends with that girl. And I’m sure some of this is MTV editing .. but it seems as tho she has totaly let herself go since becoming Danny’s “offical girlfriend”. Always in jeans and a big shirt .. hair never looks brushed … ugh.

    And I seriously hope someone kicks Lacy’s ass. She is hid-E-ous and her holier-then-thou attitude kills me.

  38. 38
    Alli
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 8:30 am

    NOt only that..yea melinda had a good body..well most of it…shes also sporting a spare tire which is accentuated by her too-tight at the waist jeans thus, causing hideous muffin top!

  39. 39
    brigita
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 10:00 am

    Not to get all serious here, but Rachel is just 21, which is pretty young to be thinking about a lifelong commitment, IMO. Yeah, it sucks to fly hundreds of miles (with a dog, no less) to see your GF and not get any, but I think Rachel actually showed some maturity and did them both a favor by withholding. Not to mention the fact that her and Erik’s relationship began in very extreme circumstances and there’s no telling whether it’ll survive outside the military.

    Long story short, I think she’d be able to be a lot more decisive if she were a few years older and had more living under her belt.

    Whatev, Wes sucks.

  40. 40
    trip211
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 10:50 am

    Brigita: I agree with you on the “too-young-at-21″ thing. I married my wife at 21 and we were divorced five years later. Contrary to anything we may have heard, absolutely no one knows what they want at 21.

    B-side: The Ariel / Ursula line was snarkiness at it’s best – mind if I use it? The problem will be finding an appropriate situation to use it in. But I’m sure as heck gonna TRY!!

  41. 41
    hollabackboy
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 11:45 am

    I loved the part where you said Lacey practically licked her chops when Erik asked her for advice. If Rachel and Erik are Reese’s “parents”, then someone needs to call animal services. Anyone who sends ice cream in the mail shouldn’t be responsible for anything that can breathe. God forbid if Rachel wanted to see Reese. “I sent him in the mail for you!”

  42. 42
    hannah
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 12:27 pm

    “sort of like how wes sucks at brains” had to be the funniest things i have ever read in one of your recaps!!! i love you

  43. 43
    The Svan
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 2:23 pm

    brigita, Rachel has too much shit under her belt as it is. She’s a fatty, man.

  44. 44
    sadie
    Posted October 26, 2005 at 7:38 pm

    bside,

    i believe you were talking about the hat in every pic and how stupid danny is…more proof!

    http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=8120229&friendName=danny&Mytoken=6B2821D0-E99C-B38B-3DD1EDBCB61EC8D7654938

    search yourself for mel’s, you can’t miss it….

  45. 45
    Guac
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 6:19 am

    I seriously don’t believe any of the myspace bulls$it anymore…you don’t know if ppl are really who they say they are. It’s probably just a bunch of losers wishing they were reality stars. How sad.

  46. 46
    Catrina
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 8:33 am

    DID ANYONE ELSE DIE LAUGHING AT FREAKIN REESE WHEN RACHEL AND ERIK WERE IN BED OMG. poor thing was going up and down like it was on the canyon river rapids.

  47. 47
    Alikat
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 10:00 am

    I know..i think its hysterical that he has to be wearing a stupid short brim hat in EVERY picture! Get a new style damn!!!

  48. 48
    mamasita
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 11:13 am

    I hate melinda and her ugly hair and ugly nose and stupid accent.

  49. 49
    Ashley
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 12:50 pm

    Does anyone else get annoyed by Melinda’s eyebrows? This may sound dumb, but every time it shows a confessional of hers I get angry staring at her eyebrows! Anyone else with me on this…..anyone?

  50. 50
    Ali
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 12:52 pm

    I cant really think about what you mean right now Ashley but if it has to do with Melinda, I most likely hate it and am annoyed! HA

  51. 51
    Ashley
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 1:19 pm

    Her eyebrows look like little catepillars that got stricken with some genetic disease causing clumps of hair to fall out randomly. This isn’t meant to offend any catepillars out there, just stating that they don’t belong on anyone’s face! Fill in your eyebrows Melinda!!! They scare me!

  52. 52
    cattyshack
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 3:24 pm

    I think that Melinda’s eyebrow problem is due to bleaching them to match her god-awful hair (and I wonder if Lacey ever wants to take the scissors to that rat’s nest).

  53. 53
    veronica
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 9:47 am

    I think they’re all losers:) If I had to choose one to be my friend, who would I choose? um……….I gues Johanna. Just because she seems smarter than everyone else. Who would everyone else choose?

  54. 54
    LagunaFan
    Posted October 28, 2005 at 10:21 am

    Johanna is the only semi-likeable one in the cast by my book. She just will need to keep her mouth closed.

  55. 55
    jess
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 3:25 pm

    I wanted Melinda to step in dog shit.

  56. 56
    joslyn
    Posted October 30, 2005 at 3:05 pm

    Rachel ought to thank the Lord someone even wants her ass! Her pickings are slim at best. No, she is not ready to be married at twenty-one, and she needs to and has a right to state that clearly to Erik. But what does that have to do with giving up some ass? Plus, they showed her dick teasing him about all the sex he was going to get, then he gets nothing. I feel so sorry for the guy; he got so played on national TV.
    Hate lacey more now, she needs to mind her business. Or if she must blow up everyone’s spot, at least whisper, or wait until the person goes to the store or something-damn, have some finesse! I thought she was supposed to be so smart. Rachel has no balls; she should have broken that shit up as soon as she heard what Lacey was talking about and removed her man from the room. Weak.

  57. 57
    veronica
    Posted October 31, 2005 at 5:25 am

    Totally agree joslyn. Lacey needs to learn the art of talking behind peoples backs, cuz she sucks at it. And I feel soo bad for Erik If i was him I would have picked up the sog’s shit and thrown it in Rachels face. She doesn’t need to married at such a young age, but then don’t make promises you can’t keep. I was in the military and the only reason people hook up with people overseas is cuz there is no other ass to get, once you come back to the states that shit is over with. Kinda like “what happens in vega stays in vegas” damn these people need to learn the game!

  58. 58
    veronica
    Posted October 31, 2005 at 5:28 am

    Ooops, that was supposed to say *dog’s not sog’s. I got carried away.LOL

  59. 59
    Michelle_PR
    Posted November 14, 2005 at 6:05 am

    Quotes that had me laughing out loud:
    “Wes announced, clearly never having met, you know, a wacked-out homeless Army vet.”

    “where a whopping three groupies showed up to partake in Vagina-Fest 2005 (starring the biggest vagina of all, Wes).”

    “You suck at life.” Sort of like how Wes sucks at brains.”
    I still laugh every time I read them.

    Loved the recap B-side.
    I think Lacey is asking for a beating I mean it’s true that she pretty much says the truth but she should just say it to the people’s faces or if she’s gonna talk behind their backs well at least do a better job of it and Rachel for being a vet she has no balls (I know she doesn’t have balls but you know what I mean) she should have walked right in there and called Lacey on her shit. At least that’s what I Would have done. Oh and Erik is an idiot pretty much god he sucks.

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