I could sit here and tell you the reason why I’ve been so late with this Real World recap (along with Survivor) is because the Big Brother wrap party and a trip down to San Diego really screwed up my writing schedule, but I’d be lying. The simple truth is that I’ve spent the past five days in an Austin jail, serving a harsh sentence for one of the most unforgivable crimes in Texas: stealing a tulip from a bum. Yes, I admit it. I committed grand floral larceny. I have apologized to Tito for swiping his most lovely flower, and I’ve even paid the five dollars it would have cost for me to have bought it in the first place, but alas, a crime is still a crime, and so I spent nearly a week in the clink, reexamining my life, joining the Nation of Islam, and becoming so jacked, you wouldn’t recognize me.
Okay, so maybe none of that happened, but if there’s one thing the last episode of The Real World taught us, it’s that no flower robbery goes unpunished in Austin. Punch a guy in the face and break his skull? Eh, whatever. Snatch a rose from a homeless dude? That’s on par with a federal crime. Don’t mess with Texas. Or its flowers.This very eventful episode began with the unlikely sight of Rachel talking to an errant Eskimo. Oh wait, it was only Johanna. Sorry, she was wearing one of those furry hoods. Couldn’t tell. Anyway, the two were remembering the previous evening’s fun activities, which pretty much centered around Johanna shouting into the Austin night, “You’re such a loser!!!” followed by assorted bleeps and inaudible grunts. Yes, Joey was drunky, and as usual, ready to start fights. The next day, with a sober, if not cloudy, outlook, she explained to Rachel, “That’s me on Vvdka.” Also known as “normal.”
Luckily, Eskimo Jo had a lofty goal for that night: “I will only drink wine tonight. That will be my goal.” Or you could just not drink anything at all. You know, maybe give the ol’ liver a rest. Oh what am I saying? That’s like telling a cow not to moo.
Back in the mansion Danny was (yawn) fretting about Melinda. Seriously, just gag this guy with some duct tape and let him talk only if there’s another major tragedy. Nevertheless, he explained that he knows for a fact that he’ll be jealous when Melinda goes out, and furthermore, “I know for a fact that I probably can’t find a better girl out there. But…” BUT YOU’RE AN IDIOT. Or rather, an indecisive idiot. Danny told us, “I cannot see Mel as a girlfriend.” Which would explain why ten seconds later, we saw Melinda reading a letter that Danny had written saying, “Please understand that I still love you with all my heart. I miss you every second, but it’s something I have to do. But just know that I’m dying inside without you. I love you Melinda.” Yes, whenever I meet girls that can’t even see as my girlfriend, I tend to write them letters professing my deep, undying love. Of course, the big question arising from that letter is why does Danny actually “miss” Melinda? I mean, she’s in the next room. Wow, his mom’s death has really screwed with his separation anxiety. Cut to Danny writing a letter in a restaurant: “Dear Sue. Even though you just took my drink order, I sincerely love you and miss you every second that you stand over there at the bar, pouring my Diet Coke. I’m dying inside without you. Love, Danny.”
Well, because Danny couldn’t see Melinda as his girlfriend on account of the fact that he loved her with all his heart, he and Wes went out for a guys’s night out, a night that was “a giant leap for all the guys who are bitches out there,” said Danny and Wes. Not quite sure how it was such a giant leap, and were they saying they were giant bitches because they were going out, or were they going out on behalf of giant bitches? Either way, it was one of those dumb statements that give bloggers like me instant superiority complexes.
Now just because the guys were having a big night out didn’t mean the girls had to stay at home. Oh no. While the boys were at Treasure Island, the girls went too, you guessed it, the Dizzy Rooster! Yay! And accordingly, it was the perfect opportunity for Johanna to talk about her raging alcoholism. “I don’t think drinking is the problem,” she explained, “It’s just how much I drink.” Yes, I think that qualifies as “drinking.” You see, it’s not that she’s an alcoholic. It’s more like she acts like an alcoholic.
Well, while Johanna downed her self-imposed regimen of wine (because that’s never led a woman down an embarrassing, drunken path), Danny was busy securing the digits of some cutie girl at Treasure Island. And by “cutie” I mean she looked like a springer spaniel. Still, to each his own. Unfortunately, Danny’s romp with the canine set came to a swift end as — dunh dunh dunh — Melinda and the gals showed up. Yeah, that’ll happen when you only go to the SAME TWO BARS. Still, couldn’t have been that bad. Danny did just write her a touching letter that said “I still love you with all my heart.” Well, Danny loved her so much that when she showed up, he said the one thing every girl wants her boyfriend to say: “F*CK!!” Ah, it warmed the very cockles of my heart.
To be fair, Danny totally was justified in his frustration. After all, as we then watched footage of Melinda grinding on other girls with her ample, undulating bosom nearly pouring out of her top, we couldn’t help wondering, who would EVER want a girl like that hanging onto them? You know, tall, hot, blonde, undulating breasts, lesbian tendencies, warm personality, supportive friend. FEH!
We now interrupt this scene to take you live onto the streets of Austin where a major crime has just taken place. Yes, Johanna, in a drunken fit, had stolen a rose from a homeless man and run away. Luckily, the fine men and women of the Austin Police Department detained this thief shortly thereafter, and what did she have to say? “I took a rose, and I ran with it.” Book ‘em, Danno!
Yes, Johanna actually got arrested on charges of public intoxication, and as Wes noted, “Jail is not a fun place to be.” He then added, “Unless you’re like me and like taking it up the ass. But that’s just a personal preference.” With one of their roomies now behind bars, back at the house Lacey tried calling up the police to get Jo-Jo out. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t be allowed out for several hours. Hmmm… there’s got to be a way to get her out. Surely Lacey can break her out with the Power of Pale! Quick! To the Pasty-mobile!
Luckily, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum (a.k.a. Wes and Danny) were on the case. “Joey’s in the slammah!” explained Danny, and moments later, we watched as he and Wes piled into a cab and headed to the jail. Meanwhile, on the ride over, the two guys gave each other props for successfully procuring the numbers of many an ugly girl at the local bars. Danny in particular was happy about hauling in three numbahs. “It’s fate, dude,” said Wes. “It’s fate. That basically just told you that you made the right decision.” I’m not really sure how getting those numbers clarified anything, but I can’t fight Wes on every dumb, illogical statement he makes. So we might as well go with it.
Anyway, the guys eventually arrived at the jail where they too made no progress, but at least we got to see some guys standing out front, literally wearing those old-fashioned prisoner outfits. You know what I’m talking about – big chain-gang stripes, like the Hamburglar. Actually, that kind of raises an interesting question: was the Hamburglar in a chain gang? Really darkens his whole backstory, huh?
At the house, Lacey decided to call Leo to inform him of Johanna’s arrest. There really was no point in the call, but because the Lace-meister just loves to gossip and stir up trouble, we’ll let her do her thang. As for Danny and Wes, they returned all feisty and shitfaced, and soon they began joking about all the numbers they had received over the course of the night. Well, this understandably pissed Melinda off, and we knew we were in for a real treat as we cut away to rain falling in a puddle. Oooh! Mood shift!
Yes, Melinda was crying in her bed now, but luckily, she had the doting attention of Lacey and Rachel (but not Johanna. Jail, remember?) who comforted her with gentle support. Lurking at the door, however, was Danny who quietly eavesdropped as Melinda dismissed his whole letter, saying it was bullshit. Uh oh. Did I mention this rain was part of a thunderstorm? We all know what that means in Bunim/Murray-ese. Rain = sadness. Thunderstorm = FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Well, Danny went off on Melinda for bashing his letter. “I didn’t come home with a girl!” he yelled. And so you see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that Danny is certainly an upstanding citizen. Unfortunately, Mel wasn’t convinced, citing exhibit A, the number on the back of Danny’s hand. “Do you see the numbah?!?!” he asked incredulously. Apparently Melinda was wrong about this one because that “numbah” actually belonged to Wes. Still, she pulled the whole that-letter-feels-like-bullshit card again, causing Danny to retort, “Oh, it feels like it??” Yeah, why would Melinda ever say that? Just because Danny told us that he couldn’t see Melinda as his girlfriend and just because he called his one night away from her a “giant leap for all the guys who are bitches out there,” and just because he greeted her at the bar with “F*CK!”, why the hell would she ever say his letter felt like bullshit? How could she even pick up that vibe??
Melinda then questioned Danny about the other number on his hand (the one from the springer spaniel chick): “Is that Wes’s phone number too?” she asked.
“Actually, it’s, uhhh, Nehemiah’s,” replied Danny (nice save, bro!).
“Okay,” said Mel, “and Nehemiah didn’t have a hand or an arm or anything to write on too?”
Best response ever: “Turns out he didn’t.” Oh no!!! What happened to Nehemiah’s arms?!?! Was there some awful woodchipper incident we haven’t seen? Was he drawn and quartered in a Dizzy Rooster body shot gone wrong? Do tell!
Nevertheless, with Mel having called out his shit, Danny had nothing else to do but rant and rave throughout the house, slamming the curtain behind him as he left Melinda’s room. Oooh! He SLAMMED the curtain! A most violent and assertive gesture! Second only to kicking a dust bunny and punching a hole through a tissue! You showed HER, Danny!
Take THAT, curtain!
“If she wants to be like that, I’ll do my own thing,” he lamented to the household. Um, wasn’t that exactly what you were doing? Ah, but he had more: “Sorry I took a day off!” Hey Danny, I hate to break this to you, but you don’t really take “days off” from relationships. Or even friendships. Unless, you know, you suck. I mean, how would you like it if one day your short-brimmed caps decided to take a day off from you? You would be hurt, yes?
With all this hoopla going on, we almost forgot Joey in the “slammah,” but luckily she called in, and when Lacey answered it, she immediately said, “Be glad you were in jail because you missed so much crap, it’s not even funny.” Wow, the implication there was that jail was actually worse than being in the Real World house. Now that’s pretty damn bad.
Speaking of bad, it was time to get back to the Danny/Melinda storyline, and the next morning, Danny moaned, “I hate drama, Mel.” Well, it’s a good thing you don’t create it with your incessant waffling on this stupid relationship… Nevertheless, Melinda basically told Danny that he was coming at her with so much uncertainty, that of course there was going to be drama. Ah, but Danny refuted this: “Did I say, ‘Mel, I need a break from you’?” Um, I’m pretty sure you just ‘fessed up to having taken a “day off,” so you might want to try another approach, dawg.
Sure enough, that’s exactly what he did. “You don’t have to protect yourself from me, Mel. Get over it!” he said. Yeah, get over it, you stupid, unable-to-deal-with-mental-toying bitch. Amazingly, the person who apologized through all this was Melinda, who blurted out, “I’m sorry,” and with that, the music suddenly changed to some upbeat ditty and everything was just grand once again. Huh?
As for Johanna, Leo picked her up, and when the two returned home, Lacey actually hugged Leo first. You know, because he’d spent such a rough night in Not Jail. Johanna meanwhile moaned, “Why meeee???” Yeah, why her? Oh wait, I know. Because you are a DRUNKEN MESS.
Luckily, Johanna was able to learn a very valuable lesson: “Obviously, hello, don’t steal a flower from a freakin’ homeless person vendor.” Yes, for those of you who feared that The Real World had lost its grasp on the reigning social issues of our day, along comes an episode like this to remind us that we should Just Say No to flower robbery. Pedro who?
As the episode came to an end, Johanna and Leo cuddled up and talked about the future. “What am I supposed to do? Not drink? That’s not going to happen,” said Joey. Listen, I hate to be the voice of reason, but, um, YOU JUST GOT ARRESTED. Maybe lay off the wine spritzers for a night. These cops need a night off once in a while.
In the closing moments, Wes and Danny ridiculed their jailbird roommate, and I kid you not, Wes managed to make a carnation joke. Something like “Johanna was charged with Grand Theft Carnation.” Okay, okay, it was mildly amusing, albeit historically inaccurate (she stole a rose, not a carnation). What did you think about the episode? Should Johanna have been arrested? And is Danny toying with Melinda or is Melinda putting too much pressure on Danny?