Real World: Gaysplosion! Wicked Liquid Everywhere!

Previously on the Real World: Douche sucks at singing in addition to sucking at life in general. Mike just didn’t know how to quit Tanner, which led to a touching mother-son moment. No, not like that. Get your minds out of the gutter, you filthy people.

So Douche wanders around town with one of his bandmates expressing his delusions of grandeur about how good he and the band are. They practice because apparently they have one of those all-important “gig” things coming up. He confessionals that everything is getting better, from the guitars to his voice. Could his voice have gotten worse than what we heard? I shudder to think about it. Oh, and his “flow” is going better too. Well that’s a relief. I was losing sleep worrying about his flow.

Mikey calls Tanner because it’s finally time for his visit! They make arrangements and can’t wait to see each other.

Cut to Pandrew wondering “what grade are these kids?” Odrama asks if there’s a restraining order against him and he says they pick on him. They’re kidding, but he probably had a rough time as a kid. Maybe that’s why he has SECRET PAIN. Oh, but why are you talking about kids, you ask? They’ve been “asked” by MTV to help out at the “first ever ‘September 11th Day of Remembrance and Service” which will apparently involve inspiring underprivileged kids. Odrama seems pretty excited, maybe because she’s done NOTHING since being in DC except start fights and creep all over other people trying to have fights/conversations. Way to take advantage, Obama would be so proud. Pandrew, on the other hand, just looks baffled at the fact that he’s awake before 3 pm.

They build soccer goals and teach kids to play soccer and… dance? Cheerlead? Something like that. Everyone’s having a fantastic time and feeling inspired and whatnot. Trust me, it’s touching. Then Mike gets a call from Tanner (who allowed a cell phone on the Real World?) and tells us he’s glad Tanner is still coming to visit even after all they went through. He promises to make Tanner’s trip worthwhile. Yeah, I’ll bet you’ll make it worth his while.

As they walk away after their day of inspiration, Odrama says she feels productive today, which is why she’s happy. Maybe because it’s the FIRST thing you’ve done since trying and failing to organize that duck tour like 4 months ago?

Mike walks up to the house to find Tanner sitting outside. They greet each other happily with smooches and bear hugs. Mike says he’s torn between picking him up and giving him a hug and taking him straight to the bedroom.

He’s so happy Tanner’s here, he doesn’t know how to describe it.

The roomies get home and Mike tries to pull a fakeout, saying Tanner couldn’t make it. He’s smiling the whole time though, so it’s kind of pointless. Tanner comes out to greet the roomies, and Pandrew (of course) confessionals that he was expecting a stereotypical gay guy who spews fabulousness from his ass. Emily says Mike is glowing and she can tell it’s a positive relationship. It’s also the first good look we get at Tanner, and he’s pretty cute. He seems like a nice guy, I’m hoping the clinginess that seemed to come through on the phone several episodes back was just stupid editing or something.

Douche is on the phone with his cousin, who he tells about his band’s big show. He confessionals to us that he’s always been known as a “typical fuck-up from South Philly” who “wouldn’t amount to anything.” Awww, too bad he’s not from West Philly, because then if you’re chillin out/maxin/relaxin all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of the school and a couple of guys who are up to no good start making trouble in your neighborhood you get to go live in Bel-Air with your rich-ass uncle in his mansion.

Douche’s cousin is getting married, so he’s going home for the wedding and Ty and Pandrew are going to pull a Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson and crash. We find this out over footage of them holding hands and hugging for no apparent reason.

The guys go out on the town and Mike is happy he can hold hands with Tanner and show everyone they’re together. He tells Tanner at the bar that he can be all over him at a straight bar and if people have a problem with that they can look away. Then on the walk home some assholes ask if they’re together and Mike says they are and gets a little drunkenly defensive about it. Baby steps, I suppose.

Douche heads out to go to the wedding, and Odrama tells us Douche is close with his family and want to prove himself to them. She also tells us it’s easy to judge someone like him, especially for someone as judgmental as her. I may have added part of that myself. Cut back to Odrama feeding Ty her sandwich while Douche tells her about his ambitions and she judges him. She thinks it’s great that he met a band and put a concert together because it “makes him feel successful.” Hahahaha, never some patronizing Odrama. Never.

Back at the house, Pandrew is wandering around the kitchen singing Douche’s songs better than him. Emily wants to know if they have to pay or if they can get on a list. Her reactions to the band thing are my favorite because she tries to be so nice all the time, but she clearly thinks this ish is ridiculous. Even Callie says she’ll “laugh out loud and walk away” if she’s expected to pay. She should feel right at home, Douche’s singing sounds kinda like ducks being attacked.

Tanner and Mike walk around to all of the touristy things, and take lots of pictures that apparently involve Mike picking Tanner up. I’m sensing an attempt to establish dominance here. They go to what appears to be an HRC Gift Shop. That’s probably not what it is, but that’s what the editing made it seem like so I’m running with it. And holy crap, they get each other rings?! Mike says he’s fighting for gay rights in large part because of Tanner, and we can call them promise rings or whatever we want. Can I call them purity rings? Because I don’t think they are. Hold on, let me check my JoBro manual.

Mike cuddles with Tanner in bed and tells him how much he missed him and thought about him when they were first apart. Callie tells us it’s so cute but she’s “never seen this lovey-dovey side of Mike.” Even stone-cold “feelings are scary” Emily is kinda wishing she hadn’t shut Ty down so quickly and thoroughly.

And just like everyone’s favorite gay Challenge couple, Kenny and Evan, Mike and Tanner shower together.

Pandrew and Ty are leaving for the wedding, which obviously leads Pandrew to exclaim, “Holy Banana Bread!” I know I say that before every wedding I attend. Pandrew is looking forward to learning about the “legend” that is Douche. Directional hijinks ensue. Good thing Callie’s not there to make matters worse. Douche calls to get their ETA and Ty tells us he’s hoping to relive Wedding Crashers.

The guys make it to Philly and meet up with Douche. He’s going to show them the “real deal, how it’s really done down here.” This apparently includes shouting across the street, which baffles Pandrew. He claims they’re the loudest people he’s ever met, but I’m calling bullshit because he’s been living with Odrama. Although I guess she’s more shrill than loud.

They get to Douche’s uncle’s house and Pandrew tells us it’s straight out of Rocky. Adriaaaaaaaan! And once they’re all in their wedding gear, it’s cheesesteak time. Ahh, brilliant plan. They get to the cheesesteak place and Douche tells us it’s where he had his first job, and two of his uncles still work there. Wow, his family is EVERYWHERE. It’s a Douchefestation. Also, while they’re eating, poor little Pandrew looks kind of sick. I think it’s all too much for him to handle.

And on to our second uplifting “Real Worlders are not always useless wastes of space” story of the episode. Easy MTV, don’t overdo it. The girls are going to help out at a breast cancer fundraiser, and Odrama is excited because it makes her feel like she’s doing something more productive than “being a bump on a log.” Because someone’s been stopping her all this time? I mean, it’s not like she’s Cliche or something. Talk about obstacles!

They meet with the lady from the thing (no one really cares who/what right?) and there’s a lot of pink and excitement and high-pitched talking. Quite frankly, this whole thing sounds like more estrogen than I can handle. Ladies, get your boobs checked. Gents, make sure your lady gets her boobs checked so you still have them around to play with. Oh, and Melissa Etheridge is going to be there. Odrama is excited.

Callie and Odrama relay the details of their meeting to Emily, who couldn’t be there because unlike Odrama, she actually does stuff. Also, the girls feel that they “dominate” the house, to Mike’s amusement.

Speaking of volunteering, Mike and Tanner are going to do some handing out of some stuff for the HRC. Something about stickers. Details are beyond me right now.

Douche tells his cousin(?) or someone about everything in DC, and apparently he now thinks he’s Vince from Entourage. He’s got a band, t-shirts, and yes even an entourage.

Douche greets his mom and Pandrew tells us she’s got it goin’ on, she’s all he wants and he’s waited for so long. Even Ty wants in on this MILF action and he actually starts hitting on her. Haha! Douche comes over to put a stop to it. Let’s face it, that’s gotta be against the Bro Code.

Mike tells us he’s happy to be working with HBC and doing whatever small part he can in the name of justice. He and Tanner hand out stickers and drop knowledge to people passing by.

Turns out Douche has a pint-sized shaggy-haired little bro. Pandrew tells us he understands Douche much better after seeing where he came from.

Mike hands a girl a sticker and she says (in a super-ditzy voice), “I don’t get it. Is it, like, AGAINST marriage, or…?” Mike sets her straight (ironically), and she pretends she knew what it was about all along.

And with that, it is time for Mike (and us) to say farewell to Tanner. They’re sad to say goodbye, but they’ll see each other in a month. Things seem pretty blissful between the two of them, so you know something’s got to go wrong soon.

Mike tells Emily he’s sad about Tanner leaving and she sees his promise ring, which prompts an awww reaction. She asks if they’re going to get married, I guess just to rub some salt in the wound? Mike says now that he’s getting older and gayer, he has to start thinking not only about if he wants to get married, but if he will be allowed to get married. He confessionals that he wants to get married under God and it scares him because who he wants to marry could prevent that. They’re all hoping it changes soon and stays that way, not like those dumbasses in California who granted the right for a few months and then took it away. You may or may not have noticed that I am pro gay marriage (and gay rights in general). Easy for me to say, I know, but I just think denying rights to gay people is stupid and pointless. Of course, I’m a lazy shit, so I don’t really do anything about it.

Back at the wedding, Ty knows it might be wrong, but he’s in love with Douche’s mom. Pandrew tells us they’re bumpin’ and grindin’ on the dance floor. Douche is having none of this and comes over to break this up before he ends up in therapy with Jack Donaghy.

Pandrew says it was nice seeing how close knit Douche’s family is because “they’re very accepting of each other and it’s not always like that.” More hints to his SECRET PAIN? How many hints before he reveals? Something tells me that we’ll never know.

Tanner calls to tell Mike that he told his mom about him. (The downside of gay relationships? Much more difficult to distinguish between he/him/etc in the same sentence.) Anyway, Tanner’s mom did not take it well, and told him that she wouldn’t care what girl he was seeing as long as it was a girl. Mike says Tanner has to show his mother that he’s the same person he always has been and that’s not going to change because of who he loves. Mike tells us Tanner has the biggest “heart” (yeah, I’ll bet he does) of anyone he’s ever met and is really sad that his family is so disapproving of Tanner being gay and loving him. He’s practically in tears saying it. Awwww.

Mike relays this information to the roomies and says Tanners parents might either not talk to him for awhile or stop paying for his school, rent, etc. Odrama is shocked that this is over him being gay, but Emily says it happens all the time. Oh man, I bet they burned gays at the stake in her cult. Douche throws in a good luck wish. So helpful. Then he tells us his mother is bisexual.

Emily confessionals that love is rare for anyone, and when it happens we should “let it be.” Mike gets a little more optimistic, saying that less than a century ago interracial or interfaith marriages would lead to being disowned.

Ty tells the roomies that when he met his ex-girlfriend’s father the man took one look at him, shook his head, and walked out, so clearly interracial relationships are still an issue for some people. Ty says that Mike has a good head on his shoulders and will be able to face the criticism that comes his way. That’s probably true.

Mike doesn’t understand why people focus so much on the sexual aspect of being gay, when in reality, their relationships are just as real as heterosexual ones. Seriously, I can’t even mock right now because everyone is making too much sense. Also, I’ve witnessed some intolerance in my life, but not to the extent that Mike/Tanner are right now from Tanner’s family. When I saw Brokeback Mountain in the movie theater, no one flinched during the gay sex scene, but when they killed a sheep the whole theater gasped because MEAT IS MURDER. That should tell you what it’s like where I grew up.

Oh, thank God, just when I was starting to take the Real World seriously, Douche is rap/singing. He and the band practice for their upcoming gig. Douche is nervous because failure is not an option with him. Just a way of life, I suppose.

Anyway, the girls are at their Pinktober thing learning that there’s this thing called breast cancer. They interview breast cancer survivors and are told how strong women are and other inspirational things. One of the women starts crying while talking about her young daughters. In all seriousness though, good for them for getting through it.

Now the girls interview Melissa Etheridge and she tells them that we are powerful, we are all one, etc. Everyone’s your brother or your sister. Yay incest. The girls are all inspired and Melissa Etheridge plays a song. Also, Callie has been taking pictures throughout the whole event, so yay continuity! Callie tells us she doesn’t want to take anything for granted. Carpe Diem!

Time for Douche’s band’s gig. He’s excited, ready, etc. He says everyone has low expectations, which is probably what he should have named the band. Anyway, after much anticipation, they take the stage. The roomies take turns saying that they’re proud of/impressed by Douche and Company. (ANOTHER good band name!) Even Emily says she “kinda liked it!” Douche feels accomplished and that he has proven himself.

Speaking of Tanner, the whole situation is weighing on Mike, so he decides to go to church. Hey, remember when he and Odrama went to church and bonded, so it hurt so much when he “betrayed” her?

Tanner calls again and tells Mike he’s not ok and his mother has apparently said some pretty harsh things. Apparently his friend’s parents are following him back to his house because his parents are going to take away his truck. Mike tells him not to worry, he’ll be back in three weeks and Tanner can stay with him. Wow, circumstances sure are forcing things along. Mike also tells Tanner that he announced him in church and asked everyone to pray for him. Mike tells us that there’s no shame in being who you are and the only shame is thinking you aren’t good enough.

Mike tells Tanner that the hardest part is over and now it’s just a matter of convincing his parents that he’s still the same person (who just happens to fuck dudes).

Mike relays the story to the girls, and tells them how baffled he is at the drastic change between the parents they were before and the parents they are now. Mike feels bad that Tanner is doing this partially because of him, but Callie tells him that it’s something that has to happen anyway and it’s better that he has Mike’s support.

We close out with an emotional confessional from Mike who tells us that if a kid comes up to his parents and admits who he is, the parents had better “damn well love them all the same, because that takes a lot of guts.” He says parents are too concerned with how it will affect them to realize how it affects the kid. It really is sad and I can’t even blame MTV because I highly doubt they made this happen.

Next week: Season finale! Truth or Dare shenanigans! Pandrew relationship drama!