Real World: Tell Your Vajayjay I Said Not To Wait Up

G’day dolls, and welcome back to the Real World Sydney! Let’s jump right in. The first thing I notice is Ashli in the new opener. She’s planted right in the middle of the rest of the roomies, like just one of the gang. Nicely acclimated! In this version, Isaac declines to jump out from the group and shake his head at us, like the super cool rap superstar he is. And I admit I kinda miss it.

We open with some kind of ominous music, and Isaac writing a note to the roomies on a dry erase board – dry erase board, how freshman dorm. But anyway, it says something about having faxed himself to China. Huh? Oh that Isaac and his wacky proclivities. It’s signed Dr. HipHop. Well, I’m fresh outta quirky passes, so please. Dr. HipHip? You’re a Jew from Ohio. Come on.

And then we cut to the roomies. First is Cow telling us he doesn’t know where Isaac is. Then Ashli tells us. Then KA. And then Trasha, but it’s all good, cause she prayed for him, and informs us of that in the lofty way people who say they pray for you always do. Her hair looks cute though, it’s curled and you can barely see the black underneath.

KA’s bypassing the prayer part, and she’s just hoping he’s OK. And then we cut to…two days earlier! It’s all very How-I-Met-Your-Mother-ish. Isaac and Noirin are lying in bed taking pictures and being happy. Noirin seems cool, and she’s been around a lot lately, so I’m seriously considering an upgrade from “slutty Irish girl” to “Isaac’s girlfriend”.

Isaac gets out bed in some brown overalls that give me a terrible flashback to the day that he, Dumby and Cow went trolling Chinatown for chicks. Actually, I’m pretty sure they’re Dumby’s brown overalls. I think it’s a little weird that the boys are sharing clothes.

I mean, if it were a pair of tailored Armani slacks, perhaps, but poop brown overalls? No.

Isaac goes down to the kitchen and tells us a tale. It’s ridiculously brilliant, so I have to give it to you word for word. “I’ll start by saying that I used to do a lot of acid. Because of that, sometimes I see birds. I’ll see a random parrot…a macaw…fly through the room. But I don’t ever say anything about it cause I realize that’s a flashback. But sometimes, I see black birds. And when I see a black bird, it means that someone’s dead.” Flashbacks, huh? Groovy, man. Oh, and by the way, the production team treats us to a flash of light that turns into a black bird flying around the kitchen while he’s saying this. Or wait, am I having a flashback?

He sits outside and smokes in his poop brown overalls for a minute, and then heads inside and calls his friend back in Cleveland. He tells her to tell his Mom to check her email and then call him and tell him what to do. Why not call Mom directly? Cut out the middleman. The friend argues that it’s 5:30 am in Cleveland, but Isaac tells her to just do it, he has a premonition. The friend seems a bit confused a first, but finally gets on board and agrees to call Mom right then.

Meanwhile, Princess Ashli is lounging on a chaise in the house, ready to make her move on Confederate Dunbar. “Dude, come talk to me cause I don’t know who you are,” she tells him. He awkwardly tosses a water bottle from hand to hand, and Trash stands by adjusting her tube top. Dumby tells Ash he has a younger brother, and she comments that she wants to date him. Then she says she’s joking, she doesn’t really want to date his brother. She probably just wants a three-way with Dumby and the brother. Wait, he’s got an older one too. Make that a four-way. Dumby advises her she’d be smart to date his brother, as he praises his brother’s “eight pack” abs. My, that’s something. And by the way, Dumby, in addition to needing serious dental work, could also use a little Proactiv.

Alright, one change at a time.

Ashli tells us she’s boy crazy. That’s why I’m loving you so far, honey. She likes a challenge, and she’s in the game – hard to get is what she wants. Fabulous! We cut to KA telling Parisa that she thinks it’s all good, and she thinks she likes Ashli. I don’t think the dumb-is-adorable seal of approval is going to matter to Ashli though.

Not to Parisa either, who says that it took them six weeks to get where they are. “Like, she doesn’t know what makes Dunbar tick, you know what I mean?” No, cause weren’t they talking about Ashli? And hello obsessive crush, I’ve missed you! “That’s why I think Dunbar knows not to mess with her, kind of, cause he sees already…,” she continues, desperately looking to KA for agreement. No dice though, KA thinks Dumby finds Ashli attractive.

And back to Dumby and Ash in the house. He asks her if she’s heard enough about him, she tells him yes and to go away. Then she giggles and ducks her head over her shoulder. Oh, perhaps the dumb-is-adorable stamp is the one she covets after all. Dumby tells us he thinks Ashli is attracted to him. Of course, isn’t every woman on earth? Bad teeth and acne totally rock my world.

“She’s exactly Julie’s body type, that’s what I just realized,” Parisa muses, chewing on her lip nervously. Two Julies? How to combat that? She and KA don’t think Dumby would do anything. Or that Ashli would. Clearly they missed the show inside, but Trasha’s never one to miss out on gossip, especially about another girl, so perhaps she’ll bring them up to speed later. Ashli on a chaise with a fake giggle and a cute head move? Dolls, we have ourselves an evil plan.

Bwahahahahahah!

Actually, KA looks a bit nervous at this Ashli news too, which I don’t understand at first, but then I remember her whoring it up with Dumby in the hot tub on the first night, and you know KA’s the kind of girl who doesn’t want him, but doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. Julie’s grandfathered in though, cause she had him first….soooo lucky!

When we meet again, it’s at the Contiki offices. This job seems like the most fun Real World “job” ever, but it’s a bit dull to watch. And I have spoken too soon, cause right then, Contiki boss Sara tells them she’s splitting them into two teams to finish the assignment of designing the Sydney tour. The first team is Isaac, Parisa and Trash – Parisa and Trash together…talk about a dream team. The second team is Ash, Dumby, KA and Cow. Neat, like one big double date!

Trasha and Cow are the team leaders. Sara clarifies that the teams are in competition to win “And when that team wins…”, says Ashli. Thank you for getting it, Ash. The prize is a trip to Europe. On the tasteful and elegantly decorated Contiki tour bus, no doubt. But the roomies are thrilled. KA’s only ever been to Mexico before this, and that was a really big deal!

Aww, small town can be cute sometimes.

Trasha’s pretty excited about the assignment. Isaac is fun, Parisa is responsible, and as for Trash, well she’s fun AND responsible! And nice and bubbly and outgoing and not at all self deluded! KA knows the other team’s got it over them too. She tells us she hopes they send her a postcard. Keep it up, tiger, that’s the fighting spirit!

At first I was thinking Trasha in charge may not go over so well with Marge, but then she tells us she’s actually looking forward to working with her, just two girls to rekindle their friendship. Rekindling would imply that there was ever some friendship in the first place, but comments like that can only lead to a big fight, so I say keep ‘em coming!

Very well, say the editors, as we then see Trash and Parisa talking about how they were going to kick the other teams’ ass as they hit Subway – hey, will that be on the Contiki tour? Subway, seems like such a great way to soak up the Aussie experience. I mean, not as good as the Thai Express chain restaurant, but still, just a step away from exotic local dishes like fried croc or kangaroo.

…ending with a lovely day of shopping at the GAP.

That night, storm clouds are brewing over Sydney and Isaac’s dejectedly shuffling through the house. Dumby notes that Isaac’s been acting somber all day. Isaac reminds us of the black bird acid flashback premonition, checks his email, and sure enough his Grandpa died.

Isaac takes Noirin out for drinks, and shares. His grandfather was a wonderful man, he tells her. This is sad and I can’t say anything mean about it. Noirin is the only one Isaac feels close enough to talk to about. She’s his person right now, he tells her. Noirin deserved that upgrade from Irish slut to girlfriend. She’s listens. She’s a sweetheart.

Isaac tells Trasha and Cow that there is a possibility he will be flying back to the states in the next day or so, but just for a few days. Trash asks if everything’s OK, and Isaac lies and tells her it is. I want to reach through my screen and give him a hug. I don’t like deep stuff like this on my Real World. Trash knows he’s lying, and shows some insight, and her Christian side (the real one, not the “gay people are going to hell” one) as she tells us that he’s a private person, and pushing him to talk only pushes him further away.

But back to the really important stuff, Dumby and his dirty, smelly trucker hat are on the phone with Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie. The conversation basically consists of Dumby calling her “babe” about a million times, and DGJ telling him she’s stressed cause she misses him so much. Dumby’s counting down the days til he gets home and sees her, he says. What a loser, and what a waste. He gets one chance to do something a little different, live in an amazing foreign country, so what does he do? Sits on his ass in the house counting the days until he goes home to Mississippi, from where I doubt he’ll ever leave again. No wonder the ladies love you, Dumby. You really know how to live life to the fullest. In the words of Ashli, “shut up and go away.” Not for flirt, for real. Just go.

And as soon as Dumby’s done telling his girlfriend back home how he’s just as miserable without her, she tells him to tell his penis hi and he gives her vajayjay a shout out. I’m not making that up. The second he hangs up, he’s heading over to Ashli to complain that he only called DGJ to say goodnight, but she was upset and it took forever to calm her down. Conferederate. Gentleman. Prince. That’s our Dumby. Naturally, Ashli is loving it. She imbues Dumby with her words of wisdom that long distance relationships “suck ass”.

Later that night, they’re at some club (Cargo Bar, I’m sure) and Dumby is being groped by a bleached blonde with awful black roots who Dumby introduces to as an “exciting little temptress” named Greer. Ashli’s annoyed. And unlike Parisa, she doesn’t make excuses about being upset for Dunbar’s Girlfriend Julie back home.

If anyone gets to slip their tongue into those pointy yellow teeth, it’s gonna be Ash.

And she confirms that theory, as she tells us she loves a challenge, and how good it feels to know you’re better than the other person and how when it comes to guys…she usually wins. We know honey, and you’re the prettiest and the most popular, and all your friends are too. It’s the Super Sweet 16 generation.

Cameras are flashing while Ash and Dumby are dirty dancing (I’m sorry, it’s catchy, alright?) and Greer and her tacky black roots stand by, knowing she’s toast. Ashli rubs herself all over Dumby and tells him “This is bad! You’re bad!” Dumby says that it’s hard to not kiss her when she’s aggressively trying to kiss him. I’ll give him that, she really is trying to get on him. What a bitch. Loves it madly.

Tacky Greer (who sounds American, do these Real World people know how to insulate themselves in a foreign country or what?) comes back to tell Dumby that she’s mad that he told her he couldn’t flirt with her, but he could flirt with “that other girl.” Sweetie, you lose. Make your peace with it and don’t be a desperate ass on camera.

But then comes the best part of the episode, as Ashli literally wedges herself between Dumby and Greer and says to her “What are you doing?” Greer says nothing. “That’s what I thought, yeah, just making sure,” Ashli nastily continues, “you’re being a slut, you know that right?” Oh, this is one psycho bitch. Loving it madly times a million! Do you think she has any interest in has been 80′s hair banders? Ashli would be a-mazing on Rock of Love.

Is there a pole at Cargo?

There’s some more talk about Greer wanting to have sex with Dumby, Ash says to go ahead and do it and slinks off. I love the girlfight, but must we make Dumby’s head any bigger? He’s always saying it, and now here we are, two girls fighting over him. He tells Greer he’s sorry about Ashli, and then hits the bar to agree with Ashli when she tells him there’s something about Greer that she doesn’t like. Why is he getting all the girls?

The next morning, Isaac is packing up. Dumby opens one eye from his sleep, and sees him doing so, but despite Isaac moping around the house the past day, Dumby just figures if anything was wrong, he’d say so. So Dumby goes back to sleep. And a caring friend to boot. What a great guy. But Isaac doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to go. With a roommate like Dumby who can’t even be bothered to take a moment from his slumber to ask if his friend’s OK, I don’t blame him. Isaac cabs it to the airport, and eulogizes Grandpa on the way. It’s sweet.

Back at the ranch, Trash and Dumby are reading the “I’ve faxed myself to China” note – which in addition to not making any sense, has a lot of bad spelling errors. Trasha wants to know if he said anything before he left. Dumby, who watched him leave says no.

Illiteracy or too much acid?

Cow fills Dumby in with the news that Isaac may be gone for three or four days. “He told you that?” Dumby asks, seeming slightly affronted. Really, now. Cow and Trash were the only ones he told. KA and Ashli conference as well, and nobody knows what’s going on.

The next day, Dumby recounts the Greer story to Parisa in the kitchen. Apparently, Greer told Dumby that his girlfriend is back in America, and he should do what he wants to do now, and live with it later. Too bad what he wants to do isn’t Greer. Now, I want to love it, I want to want Dumby to cheat, and DGJ is such a needy whiner on the phone, but in person she seemed like a sweetheart, and I can’t wish it on her. Although losing Dumby would be the best move for her. So maybe I do hope he cheats.

Ashli tells her part of the story, how she called Greer a slut (which the other girls loved), and how she hates “that girl”. Then she says that doesn’t normally do things like that. Sure she does. It’s all the doing of “things like that” that earned her the backup slot on the Real World.

That night, it’s KA, Trash, Ash and Dumby at, where else, Cargo Bar. Actually, I just noticed it’s called Cargo Lounge. But anyway. Dumby sits in a booth, and Ashli, who’s not at all slutty like Greer, slides in next to him. We could (should? I didn’t catch the word) totally make out right now, Dumby tells her. “What? What? What?” Ashli jumps all over it, but Dumby wasn’t really ready to commit to the makeout, so he buries his head in his drink.

Ashli doesn’t like that Dumby has a girlfriend. She likes the challenge part, but the girlfriend thing is “icky”. Does this mean she’s grown morals? Hell no, cause back at the house, she’s sucking on a lolly and telling Dumby that they should try every sex position that night! And I thought with Shauvon’s departure, we’d lose the sunglasses at night in the house thing, but Ashli’s bringing it back.

That I could have lived without.

Whatever sex position Ashli’s talking about, Dumby informs her that DGJ hates it. But, Ashli loves it! No! Really? Dumby lies on the floor saying, “that’s always a good thing.” Ashli reminds us that she doesn’t like that Dumby has a girlfriend. She says that she doesn’t want to be the one to break up their relationship. Lies, lies, lies!

Parisa tells Dumby to stay faithful to Julie. He says he knows nothing’s better than what he has with her, but it’s hard. I don’t know if that was a pun intended “hard” or not, but we close with Dumby literally trailing Ashli to her room. I smell trouble, and it smells delicious!

But who cares about that because next week Trasha hits Parisa! Or shoves her! I don’t know! But Marge is down! And from all intel, Trash goes home! And Ash continues to ho it up on Dumby. See you then, lovlies…