I Want Your Sex

Over a week ago, we watched the kids of The Real World: Austin cavort in the Costa Rican sun as part of their well-deserved vacation from their cavorting in the Texas sun. And like that uncomfortable feeling you get when July crosses over to August, there’s a sense that summertime in Austin will be ending soon. Now it’s just a race to the finish line as the kids work to finish their documentary and whatever other sordid conquests they have in store for us. Unlike the end of summer, however, I’m actually looking forward to the end of this season. Starting out with so much promise and then devolving into a repetitive, generic mess, Austin hasn’t full-out sucked like Paris or Philadelphia, but there’s a feeling like we learned all we could learn from these kids weeks ago, and now the show is simply running on fumes. Not even the tantalizing allure of Nehemiah stuck in the clink could even pique our interests at this point (okay, maybe a little). I don’t know where this season went wrong (probably somewhere between the 34th and 35th episode of the Danny and Melinda saga), but I’m rapidly awaiting its finale, whenever that may be. Gotta be soon, right?This week’s episode began with our old friend Wren hanging out at a bar with Wes. No word on whether or not this fine establishment was The Dizzy Rooster, but judging by the general cheesiness of the surroundings, I would have to surmise that it was. Anyway, this wunderkind couple seemed somewhat awkward tonight. Perhaps something was afoot? Wren, for one, seemed to be overtaxing her sole brain cell: “I don’t understand,” she said.

“You don’t understand what?” asked Wes.

“You,” she replied. Look, Wes is a simple man. There’s not much to understand about him: he likes plaid patterns, the occasional vintage shirt, grandiose comments, general poseur behavior, babbling about nothing in particular, and of course, bubbles. Alas, this had been too much for Wren to comprehend, and so she repeatedly rebuffed Wes’s approaches, refusing to get serious with him. It’s for the better. She could never live up to Wes’s first love: Mr. Left Hand.

“I am very, very, very sexually frustrated tonight,” Wes complained. You see, he’s spent so much time pursuing all these women that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with any of them. (His general lameness might also be a roadblock, but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, a drunken Johanna managed to speak for all of America when she slurred, “RIght now, you’re getting pretty good looking girls; so pick your goddamn fight and pick the good looking girls. Stop going for the shitty a;slkdhfas.” Sorry, I couldn’t understand what she was saying at the end there. It was some sort of non-distinct JohannaSpeak, which I encourage her to use more often, by the way.

Anyway, the good news for fans of Real World novelty games was that the ol’ basketball machine was now fixed. Viewers may remember that a certain drunk roommate (Rachel) had flung herself into the apparatus, perhaps envisioning herself as a basketball of some sort. Well, Rachel’s flight of fancy had fatally debilitated this most enjoyable of games, thus sending Nehemiah into a tailspin of rage and self-destruction. Mostly just rage though. But now we can put that dark chapter behind us because we now found Neh tossing basketballs into the hoop anew. Life is good!

Unfortunately for Nehemiah, he was soon joined by Wes, who talked his ear off about, you guessed it, Wren. “I’m down here trying to pursue multiple relationships. Right now, just because Wren’s in the lead doesn’t mean she’s my girlfriend,” he said. So do girls have to sign up for this event? Do they get a special jersey? Or a number? And how did Wren get to be in the lead. Were there qualifying trials? Do tell, Wes!

Later, Danny and Melinda waltzed into the living room and announced that the roommies had to watch a documentary Friday night at 8 pm. Of course, Wes balked at this harsh inconvenience (his schedule is VERY busy!), and while it does suck to have to do something work-related on a Friday night, this really wasn’t the worst thing ever. In fact, Nehemiah noted that he was quite excited to go to the screening, especially because it could advance his career as a director. “He wants to be on ‘Yo! MTV Raps,’” Melinda joked. Of course, Melinda herself is looking to pioneer the new variety show, “Oh My Gad! MTV Wiscansan.”

Well, everyone headed out to the screening — everyone but Wes (and then Danny, who also had an important night of taking inventory of his short-brimmed hats). The kiddos who did get off their asses got to see Dig!, which my friend has been raving about for over a year now. Unfortunately, now if I watch it, people will be all like “Did you see that just because it was on The Real World?” Sorry Dig!, but I’m gonna have to wait another six months.

Anyway, Nehemiah explained that Dig! was about “two bands being best friends, [and] becoming rivals.” He then chirped, “Our documentaries are so similar!” Except, you know, Dig! has a narrative and yours, well, looks like My First Music Video. Okay, that’s harsh. I haven’t even seen their project, so I’ll back off. Rumor has it the doc is online at MTV.com, yes? Too lazy to find out, honestly.

Meanwhile, over at the Dizzy Rooster, Wes and Wren were starring in their own documentary, which I like to call Dizzy!, in honor of our favorite equilibrium-impaired cock bar. Anyway, we learned the secret to Wren’s reticence: she was camera-shy. Whoa! A groupie afraid of the camera? This was a little weird. The last time any girl feared showing her face in front of the Real World crew was when Landon’s pudgy friend threw up all over a boat on Philly. Oh, and there was also that girl who had the one-night-stand with Adam on Paris. Two good excuses for keeping anonymity, I say.

Back at the Austin Film Society, the five roomies who did attend the screening met with the director, Ondi, and flattered her with compliments. And because either she wanted more praise or maybe just wanted to give more visibility to her documentary, Ondi even agreed to come over the next day and check out the group’s burgeoning film. Ondi LOVES being on The Real World!

Ondi!

Later, we found Wes, Danny, and Nehemiah lounging on some couches, and guess what? They were talking about Wren. Again. “Wren and I were progressing in our relationship so hardcore,” Wes explained, “and then all of a sudden, we just hit this plateau where nothing changed.” Yes, I believe that plateau was the moment Wren realized, “Wow, Wes is pretty lame.” Oh, poor Wes. The hamster in his brain seems to be running so hard, but the bulb is still flickering. What, pray tell, will he do with this most insignificant of dilemmas?

Well, the next day, Ondi came over and watched the rooomies’s rough cut. I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or not, but since the only compliment pertained to Nehemiah’s t-shirt, I would have to say she was less than enthused. Still, Ondi was a solid gold champ as she offered advice in a non-condescending way, and later, she and Neh even talked shop for a little bit. Why, she even offered him a position at her company. Ondi LOVES Nehemiah! As she left, she advised him, however, to get a sidekick in the editing room, just to keep the energy up. It’s never good to be alone with an Avid machine. Alas, despite these words of wisdom, the only sidekick Nehemiah seemed to have was his trusty STA Travel trucker hat. And for some hipsters, that’s more than enough.

Since he and his hat had been doing so much work, Nehemiah later sat outside with Wes to shoot the shit. And by “shoot the shit,” I mean “talk about Wren some more.” Wes babbled on about what it’s like to hang out with her, saying, “Every time that I hang out with her, it’s a whole lot of fun. It’s like an automatic 8.” Funny, every time you talk about her, it’s like an automatic -3 for the rest of us.

Enter Johanna. “Wes is a fun person to flirt with. We get along great. He’s uncomplicated,” she told us in an interview. Just about the only complicated thing about Wes is why he hasn’t been able to get one halfway decent haircut in all his time in Texas. Anyway, we then headed back to the Dizzy Rooster, and with Wren and Johanna and the whole gang there, we had a feeling something was gonna go down. The incessant MTV promos sort of helped too. Yes, because he wasn’t gettin’ none from that biatch Wren, Wes hit the dancefloor with Johanna, and uh oh! They began making out! Smell ya later, Wren!

The brief hookup ended quickly, however, when Johanna asked, “Is Wren here?” Kind of a dumb question considering she had just hugged her about five minutes prior. Believe it or not, Wren handled this situation pretty well. She didn’t get mad. She didn’t storm out. Instead, she simply channeled her jealousy into a flirtatious desire to bed Wes, which, by the way, was his original intention all along. I give Wes a lot of shit, but he sure did play her like a fiddle. Indeed, the two headed off to Wren’s palace of desire (her apartment) and boinked. Yay! NOW SHUT UP.

Don’t think this episode was over though. There was still plenty of drama to be had. You see, Nehemiah had gotten burned out with the documentary because since he was the only one working on the damn thing, he also had to shoulder the burden of this task. Even though there was work to be done, Neh took a break to refuel. Well, Lacey would not have any of that. Hellll to the NO! She was pissed because she and Rachel had organized all the subclips, and all Nehemiah had to do was put them together. Well, student advisor David dropped by to check in on the progress of the cut, and let’s just say he’s no Ondi. He was disappointed and warned that he was gonna come by the next day, and there had better be more work done! Okay, Neh, time to buckle down and… go to the bars? Yup, the future Steven Spielberg opted to hit the Austin nightlife instead, and you just know that sent Lacey to the phone, squawking off about the situation to Ryan for three hours.

Out on the town, Wes bragged happily about his latest sexual conquest with Wren, and when it was time for everyone to leave, Nehemiah announced that he would be staying behind and would catch up. But Neh! What would Ondi say?

Apprently, it’s Dress-Like-The-Lithuanian-Flag-Day

Back at the house, Rachel and Lacey stewed about the situation, but instead of stepping up to do anything about it, they merely bitched — because proving a point is more important than simply getting the work done. To be fair, Lacey said she didn’t actually know how to use the Avid, which I thought was slightly bogus considering all the training they’d had, but when Rachel volunteered to get on the system and do some cutting herself, Lacey stopped her, saying “No, you’ve done your job.” Donald would so fire Lacey.

By 2:30 AM, Nehemiah still hadn’t surfaced, but then the phone rang. It was a call from jail. Nehemiah’s in prison! CLIFFHANGER!!!

What will happen?? What did you think about this episode?