Real World Brooklyn: It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Murdered In Their Sleep

Welcome back to the Real World Brooklyn. It’s over. There’s boxes, packing tape and mopey music. It’s really over. I’m still not sure what happened. I’m pretty sure nothing, and that’s why I can’t remember any of it. The roomies talk about how sad they are to leave. Groundbreaking leaving the Real World stuff, and we’ve got an hour of this to go.

Ryan meets with some of his army buddies and talks about the upcoming mission. It’s a new platoon and Ryan’s excited to teach the new soldiers all his tricks. His buddies understand what he’s going through, and Ryan tells us and everyone that he always makes the best of the situation.

Some other time, in the morning, JD, Scotty, Baya and Devyn are eating breakfast outside of the city. Scotty informs us that he, Baya and Dev will be living together in New York and he’s really excited about it. What can I say? Is there something interesting about this that I’m somehow missing?

Hey! It’s the final episode! Baya how bout you, I dunno, DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Oh, here’s something. Whitebread Baya’s looking for a three or four bedroom. In Manhattan. Good planning already! They head into the city, but not before Ryan makes everyone promise to meet up for dinner. I guess it’s the last night in the house? Nobody’s telling us anything. Anyway, Ryan’s dinner kind of falls apart. JD has to work and the rest of them are late because they’re apartment hunting. We don’t even get to see them looking at apartments, which is a real shame cause the looks on their faces when they see what actual, non-MTV sanctioned apartments look like in the big city might have actually been entertaining.

When Scotty finally shows up at the dinner, there’s a fight. Wooo hooo, heaven only knows how many weeks of this, and finally there’s a fight. You know who’s responsible for this, right? It’s our old pal Sneaky PA! He’s been laying low since the perfectly orchestrated love note scandal in Sydney – oh, he knew we were on to him. But clearly, there was no choice here. There was only one man to give this dud one last resuscitating breath before we call it a season.

So, they’re all at dinner and Sarah’s got her Aunt Jemima do-rag on. Chet’s in his horn rims. There’s some cheesy, touristy looking guys who are taking up space at the hallowed, reserved Real World table. Scotty asks them to move down, and next thing you know, Chet’s “getting ready” and then there’s a fight. All I see is Ryan kicking ass, cause he’s the soldier.

The thing lasts like three seconds, and then the roomies are kicked out of the bar. Well, finally. Someone kicked out. Not counting JD and the bodega, although that sure was some terrific drama. Remember Brielle or Brianna the stripper from Hollywood and how she kicked like twelve dudes asses on the sidewalk? Real World Brooklyn, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Let’s get home for a victory bang!

All Chet can do is talk about how “did you see me punch that one guy”, while team player Ryan, who did the real ass kicking tells him “we all nailed it!” Then Chet muses that he feels so much closer to his roomies now. Well, of course. Sneaky PA does excellent work.

The next morning, Katelynn is re-lacing her shoes from one of Ryan’s endless pranks. She’s taking a walk down memory lane, recalling the rats in the beds and the hidden dishes, and informs us that the girls are looking for payback. “It’s all fun and games until someone gets murdered in their sleep,” she warns, and I totally think she’s serious and I totally love her for it.

Kate and Dev plot. Dev promises that they will pay. Unfortunately, she promises within earshot of JD. And then of course, the girls gather around the card table whispering, which is all very smooth. The boys go out to the hot tub, and talk about how there’s no way the girls are going to get them that night. And so, the girls, who are eavesdropping at the window, decide to get them that night.

They start running around the house doing stuff like pouring soap into Ryan’s milk. And putting crushed dog treats into Ryan’s cereal. And pouring milk into Chet’s packed boxes. JD’s playing the lookout, which Sarah points out he always ends up doing, whether it’s the boys or the girls doing the prank. Except for the time he was spraying shaving cream all over the boys in the middle of the night and giving Ryan flashbacks.

But JD, who informs us he’s on “Team JD”, is a reliable lookout, and tells the girls that the boys are done with their romantic threesome in the hot tub. They go racing back to the card table, all except Baya who’s comes flying out of nowhere, slides into the room and into a chair. It’s a slick move. All those dance classes really paid off.

Someone needs to knock Humpty Dumpty off that fence.

Chet and Ryan decide to have a bowl of cereal, and as they’re pouring, I’m pretty sure they’ve got Waffle-O’s there. Waffle-O’s are the best cereal ever. Crispy little syrup flavored waffles and I haven’t seen them in years. Granted I don’t spend a whole lot of time in the cereal aisle, but I’m pretty sure I might have given Waffle-O’s up for dead. Anyway. They’re making some cereal, and they notice that the milk tastes like soap. Wow, that was such a sneaky plan. How ever did they figure it all out?

“We’re just trying to eat one last bowl of Waffle-O’s before Ryan goes to Iraq,” says Chet – see, Waffle-O’s! It’s confirmed! It really is the most exciting cereal ever. So I can understand their disappointment. What I can’t understand is why they choose to retaliate by throwing the soapy milk bottle at the girls at the card table. This is so stupid.

So Ryan suspects JD. He shepherds Chet and Scotty into a “war room”, while JD sits outside yelling that he didn’t do anything. But the boys, who as we all know love to play judge and jury, determine that JD is the culprit and start plotting to get him back in the middle of the night, with the help of the girls. They try and get the girls in on it, and the sneaky girls are in! At first I feel bad for JD getting stuck in the middle, but then I remember that he was the instigator putting rats in everyone’s bed, and how if anyone ever did that to me I’d probably never sleep again, and then I don’t feel so bad.

Chet plots with the girls, while Ryan distracts JD in the computer room. The girls are getting JD in deeper and deeper, while JD’s typing Ryan messages on the computer about the truth, which no one believes. Wow, is JD really going to take the rap for this? It appears he is. He even directs Ryan to the boxes where Devyn poured in the milk, but they still don’t believe him! And the girls totally bury JD. They insist it was him, he insists it was them, it’s surreal almost. The girls just can’t get this pranking thing right. “I would never touch another person’s belongings!” they yell self-righteously. And they seem to win.

I don’t really have a comment for this, but I thought I should put at least one more pic of this idiot in his purple sleeveless hoody with orange skin before all is said and done.

But JD is really upset, and he finally convinces the other boys that he was not the one responsible, sending Ryan into Sarah’s bedroom where he rips off her covers and tells her what an awful, disgusting person she is. For soaping his milk. Sarah calmly lies there and tells Ryan and JD that they’re Mr. and Mrs. Prank, which is pretty funny, so they have no right to complain. But Ryan, who we learned from the last girl prank, or JD prank, I don’t know, has this season come down to pranks? This is really pathetic. Anyway, we know from the past that Ryan can dish it out but he can’t take it, so he chastises Sarah and then storms out of the room. So. Dramatic.

The next morning, Baya and Sarah are talking about how the boys are mad. Baya asks Ryan about it, and is told that the girls are “nothing” and they lied to him about their friendship, and he needs to get his head in the game to not die but he can’t deal with all these petty little things, and that the girls are peasants? Baya correctly points out that Ryan needs to get his story out, admit that he’s scared about Iraq, and this is his passive aggressive way of doing it.

Which, unfortunately, Scotty overhears and repeats right back to Ryan. Who vehemently denies the obvious truth, and then goes batshit crazy on the girls. He tells them not to dare talk about how he might possibly be scared. He ends up talking to Baya, and making her feel like crap for bringing up Iraq while she tries desperately, sweetly, calmly to reason with him.

And the next thing you know, JD is screaming at Baya that he never said he was on the girls’ side and standing over her with a finger in her face while tiny, little Whitebread cowers on a sofa. It’s a little scary. Meanwhile, Ryan walks out, lies in bed and looks like he’s about to cry. Not about Iraq, though.

Did I mention my tranny friend is a better singer than my tranny roommate? WELL SHE IS! SO THERE!

Later that morning, everyone’s getting emotional. They’re going to miss each other. The boys hang out in Chet and Ryan’s room and play their silly tampon song. Scotty says that it sucks for the day to have started out with fighting, but that all families fight. And it looks like Baya’s singing along with the tampon song. Cute. “I would like to live as a tampon in the woman I love”, goes the ridiculous tampon song. Not cute. First of all, really stupid. And also, wasn’t Prince Charles the one who came up with that concept? Way to appropriate, soldier.

And then it’s time to go. I really can’t wait. Seriously, they can not evacuate this house fast enough. First to go is Scotty, who’s picked up by his dad in a shiny pink bowtie and glasses. Actually, he looks more like Chet’s Dad. Group hug, he met great people, he’ll know them forever, pose with his boxes outside and goodbye Scotty.

“JD?” asks a guy who looks like he’s from the part of Brooklyn with the mafia in it. He looks thrilled to see his charge in canary yellow sweatshirt and headscarf. And goodbye JD.

Next to go with another driver from the family is Devyn. She’s sad to leave the girls, not so sad to leave the boys and she’s wearing a fabulous red coat. I have nothing more. Oh, and the puppy is so adorable. Now I have nothing more.

Then it’s time for Sarah to go. Katelynn says she was the shoulder to cry on and she helped her “cultivate the person I am”. That’s sweet, but Sarah still gets on my nerves. She says goodbye to the fish and then leaves, naturally in a sea of tears.

Ryan and Chet take off to the water taxi. Baya cries about Ryan going back to Iraq, and he calls her a “great friend”. Chet says that he loved his time in the house, and he’s going to “miss these people”. He and Ryan have a lovely chat in the car where they basically declare their love for each other.

I wish we could have said bye to the giant blue cowboy hat.

Baya is the next pickup at the house…and she has a feather in her hair? I need a moment to decide, but ultimately, I like it. She’s scared about moving to New York, but Katelynn calls her stronger than she gives herself credit for. For reals, in the heat of the big fight, Baya was the only girl any of the boys would listen to.

Katelynn’s left alone in the house, and we catch up with lovebirds Chet and Ryan at the water taxi. “I love you, mans” are exchanged. Ryan tells us they’re breaking up. More “I love yous” are exchanged. Ryan wants Chet to come with him, but he doesn’t think Chet would like wearing the uniform. Well, maybe not now, but once he comes out I bet he’ll be totally into that sort of thing.

Katelynn is the last to leave the house, and I think she looks very nice in her makeup. Ryan takes us out talking about the good times and starting the next chapter. And of course I’m teary eyed, but I’m so not admitting to getting sentimental about this Brooklyn dud, so let’s just call them tears of happiness for the future and what’s bound to be the most debauchery on the Real World evahhhhhh….Cancun!

Reunion recap…coming soon. Kisses.