I’ve Got Poop That Jingle-Jangle-Jingles

Mucho apologies for the late Real World recap. I started a new job this week that effectively caused my recapping schedule to go a bit haywire. Nevertheless, it’s Saturday, and even though the latest adventures from Austin aired four days ago, they’ve remained fresh in my head like newly formed poop. Of course, I only make the scatological reference because this week’s Real World featured the unlikely sight of the roomies flinging poo at each other. It’s an appropriate image, I suppose, especially considering that this week of reality TV has featured Jonny Fairplay taking a dump on someone’s bed and several Survivor castaways vomiting their guts out. It’s all about bodily fluids, even if they come from a horse. Or Jonny Fairplay. So with that in mind, let’s take a look back at life on the ranch, Real World style.

(Be sure to imagine banjo music playing as you follow the jump…)This week’s episode began with Melinda super excited to visit a ranch. She was so excited, in fact, that she had to go tell Danny that her cowpoke dreams might be coming true. Then again, it doesn’t take much to get Melinda to rush to Danny’s side. If she’d found a hangnail, she probably would have paraded around the house banging a pot with a ladle until she found her man.

Nevertheless, Melinda found Danny doing one of the three things he loves most: taking a glum shower. (This ranks just slightly above drinking in the pool, but way behind lying in bed half asleep.) She alerted him of her rancher plans, but of course, Danny was less than thrilled. You see, it’s not just the cowboy stuff that he was uncertain about. It was Mel in general. “I found someone I do like, but at the same time, I don’t want to miss out on experiences because of that,” he explained. Yeah, and he really shouldn’t miss out on experience. I mean, why go to an authentic ranch to get a taste of local culture and history when you can go to The Dizzy Rooster for the eighth time in five days to get drunk? Stupid Melinda.

Speaking of getting drunk, we then fast forwarded to that night as the gang collectively suckled at the teat of the Dizzy Rooster. “I’m waking up on my f*ckin’ bathroom floor, dude!” promised Danny, later adding, “You know, I like the bathroom floor, but sometimes I feel like it’s holding me back from other floors and experiences.”

Meanwhile, poor Wes was having some drama with Wren. You remember, Wren, right? She’s the girl with the big forehead who Wes fell in love with after about five minutes? Well, we all thought she was gone (her hanging up on Wes was the giveaway), but apparently she had come back for more torture. Unfortunately, Wren may have exposed herself to heartache because while Wes was fetching a drink at the bar, he full-on kissed another girl. Oh no he di-int!!! Actually, it wasn’t as simple as that. You see, this alleged mistress had asked to buy Wes a drink, and being the perfect gentleman he is, he accepted. But while they were waiting for their spirits to arrive, bitch grabbed his face and planted one on his lips. And yes, Wren totally saw it.

Well, all nervous and scared, Wes immediately ran to Danny with his dilemma and received the sage advice he so desperately needed: “It’s because you’re good looking, dude!” Amazingly, Wes then responded, “Dude, I know!” Uh, wasn’t he asking for help, not positive reinforcement? That’s okay. It’s nice to see in the world of Danny, issues can all be whittled down to the simplest question: does this impact how good I look?

Luckily, since this was just a misunderstanding, all the girls had Wes’s back. Or actually… “It’s annoying how much he talks about you. And to know that he’s doing something like that, it makes me really mad,” said Mel to Wren. Wow, looks like Mel got a sip of the ol’ Lacey Instigating Juice. Nevertheless, Wren acted like she was cool with everything, especially once a contrite Wes explained what had happened. “Okay, I don’t care. I don’t care,” said Wren in a performance that won’t be winning any Oscars anytime soon. Poor Wes. Just when he found the woman of his dreams, he had to go accept an obviously flirtatious offer from a drunken girl. Go figure. Luckily, Danny consoled him by saying… I don’t know, actually. Either I’m going deaf or The Dizzy Rooster was too loud because I couldn’t hear a damn word.

Later, as the two guys headed back to the mansion, a frustrated, drunken Wes accidentally knocked over a small traffic barrier, causing Danny to cheer, “WHOA! Look at that! You brushed that thing off! Lookit! You looked kind of tough doing that, dude!” Yeah man! You knocked over a light, unstable object! Holy shit! Maybe you can take out a Jenga tower! Or a card castle! Or a pyramid of champagne glasses! You are one tough motherf*cker!!

After the two came down from the natural high that only a falling piece of wood could provide, Danny and Wes then engaged in a typically dumb, drunk conversation. The topic once again returned to girls girls girls, and how Wren and Melinda had become such ball and chains. Luckily, Danny had a logic-free plan to deal with the situation. The two guys would go out to the bars without their ‘hos and flirt with other girls. If they wound up making out with someone (other than themselves), then they’d know their relationships weren’t meant to be. But if they didn’t want to hook up with any of the girls, then it would be clear that their girlfriends were the real deal. Wow, that’s a litmus test if I ever saw one. Way to go, Danny! And just in case we didn’t remember why Danny had developed this elaborate plan, he announced, “I’m sick of playing husband to Mel!” Yeah, what a stupid, needy bitch. F*ck her for taking care of you when you broke your skull or when your mom died. ‘Cause tramps like Danny, baby they were born to run!!!

Sadly, this intriguing conversation came to a quick halt as Wes literally walked into a wooden beam. Oooh, revenge for the traffic barrier! It was like the inanimate object version of Todd Bertuzzi.

Well, back at the mansion, Danny hated “playing husband” to Melinda sooo much that he gave her a piggy back ride in protest. That’ll learn her! Eventually though, he put his foot down when Melinda suggested, “Let’s go have sex.” She may have been horny and beautiful, but Danny was content to simply sit with his roomies and mope in his distractingly puffy hat. What, pray tell, would the future have in store for this couple??

If you answered “campfires and shit wars,” you’d be on the right track. Yes, despite resistance from people like Danny, the kiddos all headed out to the country to do some old fashioned camping on a ranch. We soon met Larry, the chief cowboy of the Ranchero Something-Or-Another, and almost immediately, Danny was making the sort of patronizing comments popular jocks usually reserve for substitute teachers in high school. “Kind of quiet out here, Larry,” said the always HILARious Danny. The grizzly cowboy took it in stride though and responded, “Well, that’s why I live here. I’m not into neon.” Technically, neon isn’t so much loud as it is bright, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m sure Larry had more pressing things on his mind, like how the hell he was going to preserve the silence of the ranch with resident squawkers Johanna and Rachel hanging around.

Nevertheless, Larry brought the kids into his house and showed them their bedrooms. So much for that whole “camping” thing. Afterwards, the group headed to the corral where Melinda not only hopped on a horse but actually stood on its back. This caused Rachel to ponder, “Does she know how to ride horses just because she’s from Wisconsin? I mean, I’ve done it at a couple of birthday parties…” Yes, you know, when she wasn’t making NUMEROUS iMovies!

Horse to Larry: “Hey, I thought you said she was a nympho, not a gymnast.”

Soon everyone mounted horses, and inside my head, the countdown began to the next Danny tragedy. Surely one of these horses would buck him off, sending him flying into a beehive and then down a cliff. But no, Danny survived all the horsing around (nyuck nyuck nyuck), and later that night, everyone gathered around the campfire as Larry sang “I Got Spurs That Jingle Jangle Jingle.”

“Oh, I know this song!” lied Danny, who was equal parts rude for mocking his host and dumb for not actually knowing the classic song. Nevertheless, while Larry sang, Danny’s immaturity continued to prosper as he joked, “Good song. Good song.” Hearing that, Lacey immediately started a secret campaign to replace Larry with one of her less clichéd bands. She LOVES Enon!

Later, after everyone had retired to the house, Melinda and Danny hung back at the campfire to talk about “things.” Yawn. It was pretty much the same old same old. You know, Danny loves being around Melinda and thinks she’s wicked awesome but wonders if maybe it was all happening too fast. Of course, no one ever asks Danny why it’s bad that his relationship has developed so quickly. What was he missing out on? Going to bars and hooking up with random girls? How is that any better than just having sex with Melinda, a bona fide hottie? Oh, I get it. It’s because with Melinda, he doesn’t get to feel like a rock star. And honestly, isn’t that what going on The Real World is all about? Not learning valuable perspectives from your roommates, but brandishing your newfound fame like a perfectly askew short-brimmed cap?

The next morning, it was time to riiiise and shine as Larry woke the junior ranchers at the crack of dawn. I was momentarily shocked to see a homeless bag-lady sleeping on a top bunk, but then after closer inspection, I realized it was just Rachel with really, really bad bed-head. My guess was that she had spent the night tossing and turning in bed, with nightmares of a national cotton-candy ice cream shortage plaguing her slumber. It was like The Wizard of Oz, except at Ben & Jerry’s.

Army vet. Spare some change?

Once everyone had woken up and returned to life, Larry took them to the backyard where the roommates immediately suspected they’d have to do some nasty shit. Well, not really do shit as much as pick up shit. “If it’s anything to do with crap, I’m not doing it,” insisted an unsurprisingly obstinate Danny (insert crap/reality TV joke here). “Let me tell you something,” barked back Larry, “Life is full of shit, okay?” Boo-YAH! Cowboy 1, Danny 0!

Wes: Not so much cowboy as cowdumb.

Yes, Larry was in quite the mood that day because not long after putting Danny in his place, he then fulfilled the wishes of so many Real World viewers by randomly flinging a horse turd at Johanna. Everyone Loves Throwing Poop at a Spicy Latina!

Oh, but it didn’t stop there. I’ll let Larry explain: “One of the things you don’t want to do is get into a poop war.” Yes, Larry, I think that’s a bit of an understatement. Furthermore, do “poop wars” happen often? Because that seems highly unsanitary. Rachel then piped up, “I served in the poop war. You don’t know what it was like. I WAS THERE, OKAY?!?!?!” Actually, no that didn’t happen, but Larry did throw another piece of manure, this time at Danny (yes!). “Can’t wait to call home, tell them I picked up shit all day,” complained the Bostonian. “You can write home and tell them you know shit,” replied Larry. Wow. The cowboy strikes again! Can Larry move in with the cast? You know, just to insult and fling poop at them from time to time? Think about it, Bunim/Murray. Think about it.

That evening, the guys decided to try out the hot tub. (Yes, this authentic “camping” experience came equipped with a sauna. Something tells me the producers made Larry install it before the kids came over.) A sad and lonely Nehemiah announced that he’d officially lost his wingmen now that Wes and Danny had become involved in Wren and Melinda, respectively. Too bad. This will really put a crimp on Neh’s patented move of going to a bar and NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL.

Meanwhile, Danny had larger problems than Nehemiah’s wingman shortage. He explained to Wes and Neh his concerns that he wouldn’t get to sample all the girls of Austin, but he also didn’t want to mess things up with Melinda and OH MY GOD. END THIS STORY LINE. NO ONE CARES. Luckily, we knew excitement was on the horizon as the Austin Gestapo that is Lacey marched quietly by the boys, carefully collecting any bits of stray gossip for future drama instigation.

Sure enough, it only took a few scant seconds for Lacey to work her magic as she apparently told Melinda about how in the kitchen Danny had talked about having spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle (the cowboy term for wanting to play the field). WELL. The next day, after everyone had safely returned to the boozy comforts of the Real World mansion, Melinda called her friend and said she was pissed that Danny had spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle. After all, her spurs merely jingled, and only to the tune of “Let’s have sex, Dyyaaannny!”

Meanwhile, back in the other relationship story we don’t care about, Wes was once again pining over Wren, saying that he was completely driven to her. I simply don’t understand this spell she’s got over him. Maybe she’s enticed him with the promise of a sillier, more uneven bowl-cut. Nevertheless, after a long night of drinking at The Dizzy Rooster, Wes explained to Rachel that something was missing on the Wren front. For some reason, she just didn’t satisfy Wes the way he wanted her to. Rachel’s response: “I’m gonna piss in my pants.” And with that, the two simply charged into adjoining stalls and peed. It kinda felt like they were reenacting that one scene in Big Business. Rachel was definitely Bette Midler; so I guess Wes was Lily Tomlin. Seems oddly appropriate.

Elsewhere in the mansion, Melinda futzed around on the computer, possibly jingle-jangle-jingling her spurs in an illicit internet chatroom. Danny soon appeared by her side, and when she reacted coolly to his presence, he asked why she was so crabby. Well, she’s got a lot on her mind, she said. Stuff that she hasn’t figured out yet — like cold fusion and the mysteries of pi. Okay, maybe not that, but point was that she was distant and aloof, effectively angering our boy Danny. You see, it’s acceptable for him to act standoffish and uncommunicative, but not Melinda. Duh.

“I’m just thinking about things, and it’s nothing bad,” said Melinda as her man became increasingly testy. Danny then headed to the door and said he’d leave her alone until she felt better, but before he left, he casually asked the asshole question, “Do you know roughly how long that’s gonna take?” Gosh Danny, I don’t know. She’s scheduled to have an emotional thawing in two hours, but she might have to push that back for a late afternoon meeting with “frustration,” “self-doubt,” and “crying.”

Nevertheless, the scene slowly devolved into another run-of-the-mill relationship talk that literally made no sense. I mean, I could not even follow it. Logic was completely absent. Somehow, after all this babbling about rushing into the relationship too fast and being held back from the many splendors of Austin, Danny wound up saying, “I’m scared of losing you.” Whaa? You know what? Just go away. I’m sick of this nonsense.

Even Danny’s bored with this storyline.

Luckily, next week’s episode looks promising with its images of Johanna getting carted off to jail. Then again, I wouldn’t get too excited. Johanna revealed the backstory behind this incarceration at CSUN, but in the interest of keeping this a spoiler-free zone, I’ll just bite my tongue until Tuesday night.

What did you think about this episode?