Somebody’s a little sexually frustrated. No, not Sarah (she’s only sexually desperate). It’s Karamo, our favorite stereotype busting/reinforcing man who was last seen bestowing his royal dap on rubber-faced MJ. Yes, after last week’s episode of The Real World: Philadelphia dealt with the ongoing sagas of Sarah, MJ, Shavonda, Landon and their Friends-ish flirtations, it was time to swing the pendulum back towards the interesting people- or person really – and learn about Karamo’s love life. For all those wanting the abstract version, it sort of goes like this: No one understands Karamo, Karamo starts dating a personal trainer, Karamo says he doesn’t want to get intimiate, Karamo gets intimate, Bunim/Murray plays happy music. And as a little cherry on top of the sundae, somehow Melanie slipped into this Karamo-centric episode. Wow, a little something for everyone!The show started off with obligatory shots of Philadelphians watering lawns and such. Good morning Philly! It’s a beautiful day. Let’s see what’s going on in the Real World mansion. Maybe Sarah wants to arrange a flower picking trip. Maybe MJ wants to go on a picnic. Maybe Shavonda wants to catch butterflies. Or maybe Karamo just wants to find some butt sex. Yeah, that’s what it is. Karamo plunged us right into the storyline by confessing that he is super sexually frustrated, as evidenced by his intensity with an arcade game. Bunim/Murray of course was quick to parallel Karamo’s horniness with the Street Fighter characters beating each other. Yes, when I want to get me some, I often think that I’m a beast-type character doing kung fu.
Soon it became clear why Karamo was feeling so, uh, blue. Turned out he had a crush on a trainer named Dorian at his gym, the Philadelphia Sports Club. It’s funny – I had NO idea that was their gym. It’s not like I see massive product placement for it EVERY episode. I suppose it’s better than the lame Saturn Ions and Chili’s Money on the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Nevertheless, Karamo and Mel headed off to the PSC to visit/ogle Dorian and determine whether or not he was gay. Their gaydar tests were inconclusive, but that didn’t stop Karamo from having a goofy, lovestruck smile on his face. For her part, Melanie got stuck with a gym membership, which means there’ll be no more Melanie bashing on the treadmills for MJ and Sarah. The upside: maybe we’ll see Melanie more now that she can take part in the walk-to-the-gym conversations that seem to happen about ten times an episode. Seriously, let’s just rename this season Real World: Gym.
Fitting awkwardly into Karamo’s epic quest for booty was a snooze-inducing B story involving community service the group was doing for the Philly Soul. The Real Worlders all descended upon a noble organization called the Northern Home for Children which we were told “really believes in bringing kids to their fullest potential.” I hate to break it to these people, but they do realize they have Real Worlders helping them out, right? “Fullest potential” and “Real World stars” don’t always go hand in hand, unless that potential lies in the slutty or drunken realms. Nevertheless, the group went about playing with the kids in a rowdy game of basketball. MJ was kind enough to hoist one kid up to dunk the ball in the net. Unfortunately, he forgot to actually bring the kid down again, leaving the boy to dangle on the rim of the basket. Oops.
At the end of the day, everyone climbed into the minivan to go home. No one explained why MJ had enormous sweat stains all over his t-shirt, but I guess that’s because the spotlight momentarily shifted onto Melanie. How about that? She finally graduated from the world of feeding the fish in random cutaway shots. This wasn’t necessarily a good thing, we soon discovered, because Melanie apparently has a problem with traffic. Transforming into a backseat driver – and I mean way backseat (she was in the third row) – Melanie criticized Landon’s driving skills with suitable levels of passive aggression. Poor, sensitive Landon grew furious and the next day – during a walk to the gym, natch – he complained to MJ about her. MJ’s response? Punch her in the nose. Ha ha ha, wait what?
While Landon pondered how he would deal with the big, bad bully that is Melanie, Karamo and Willie traipsed off to a gay bar where they ran into… (wait for it)… Dorian! Who would have thought? Anyway, Karamo and Dorian embraced with excitement, but because they still seemed to doubt each other’s sexual orientation, they administered one last litmus test. “Are you into art and stuff?” Dorian asked. Bingo! Cue Lloyd Banks singing “On Fire” and images of Dorian’s hand perilously close to Karamo’s buttocks. But despite Dorian losing his shirt at warp speed, the only nookie Karamo seemed to get was from Willie, who gave him a quick “good job” peck on the cheek. Was it me, or did anyone else expect Karamo to punch Willie in the face?
Speaking of violence-inducing, Melanie strengthened her bid for house pariah as she and Landon butted heads over some playground schematics. “I don’t like it,” she kept saying as the group toured a potential site for a playground. Flustered, Landon revealed in his interview that “this” is what he had spent three years in college studying. Uh, so Landon has a major in playground design? Eh, probably not. He’s not that dumb. Right?
Tired of Melanie’s Debbie Downer attitude, Willie told her to essentially shut up, which caused her to be introspective for a moment. “Sometimes people think I’m bitchy or too opinionated, but I like those things about me,” she told the camera. In other news, Hitler just called to say “Sometimes people think I’m evil or too kill-happy, but I like those things about me.” Congratulations Melanie. You finally realize what it takes to be a quintessential Real Worlder: complete selfishness. Expert psychoanalyst Sarah took this moment to weigh in on the situation. “Mel needs to find a happy medium between strong female and overzealous,” she noted, adding: “For instance, I think raging slut is a perfectly fine balance.”
Later, Melanie grew irritable about the traffic – again – which prompted an emergency “Let’s talk about Mel behind her back” session. Everyone (minus Mel) vented their frustrations/hatred and then just to be sure that an outcast had been officially anointed, they literally asked if the consensus was that Mel sucked. Affirmative. The roommates then reassured themselves that Mel was the only one who was the butt of group hatred. That is until next week when Landon gets drunk and annoys everyone.
Hey, this would be a good place to have sex!
In other news, Willie’s boy toy Dan returned from his hectic schedule as flight attendant/gay cliché. Ready to bring good cheer and incredibly high levels of blandness to the house, Dan snuggled up with Willie while Karamo went off on his first date with Dorian. The two had a nice little dinner, talked about being black and gay and yada yada yada no nookie. Yes, strong, confident Karamo ended the night not by making a move, but by running away from Dorian. This resulted in an interminable lecture from bland Dan about opening up and lowering your walls and enjoying vanilla ice cream. Karamo’s response: I won’t be intimate for the next four months. I’m sure that will work out well. Sort of like when Karamo said he wasn’t going to be the angry black man. Oh wait…
So with Dan’s saltine cracker personality inspiring him, Karamo went on a second date with Dorian. This time he really backed up his words and didn’t get intimate at all, and by “didn’t get intimate at all”, I mean he made out with Dorian in the phone lounge. Eh, he’s entitled. Now he doesn’t have to hang out with Willie’s annoying friend Diana anymore.
Next week it looks like Melanie returns to her cave as the spotlight once again focuses on Landon and Shavonda and the 18 beers that might just keep them apart. Let’s just hope we don’t have to see gratuitous footage of Landon puking. Then again, what sort of Bunim/Murray show would be without a little vomit?