Kasib-ling Rivalry

What sort of man dates a man-eater like Janelle? A very dumb man. Case in point: the latest episode of Real World, which showcased just what happens when two headstrong assholes with not a whole lot of brainpower butt heads in steamy Key West. We’ve seen a lot of dumb drama this season — Paula, Tyler, and Svetlana have surely raised the bar on drunken fights and hissy fits — but I’m not sure we’ve seen true dumb drama like we did this week. Janelle’s ex-boyfriend Kasib turned out to be every bit as much of a blockhead as she can be, and together, they were like a wonderful, dysfunctional reality freak show. But who would prove to be the ultimate dolt? Janelle or Kasib? The answer after the jump…This week’s show began with Janelle on the phone with Kasib, who I had to quickly assume was some sort of boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever (my Tivo cut off the first minute of the show). I knew this was going to lead to bad news because a) Janelle had more of a sourpuss face on than usual, and b) ex-boyfriends and Real World cast members rarely lead to fun times (cough, Paula and Keith, cough).

Well, even though they were exes and even though there had been tons of drama between them recently, Kasib apparently wanted to come visit Janelle down in Key West. Why? Don’t know. I’ll just chalk it up to a general desire to be on TV. Anyway, the two fought on the phone over — well, I’m not sure. I was pretty confused. Again, I’ll blame the Tivo. Ultimately, Kasib said, “You’re acting like a jackass for no reason.” I really didn’t know much about the guy, but the fact that he called Janelle a jackass was pretty cool. First impressions: I liked him.

Nevertheless, Kasib may have wanted to visit, but Janelle wasn’t so hot on the idea, mostly because all they do is, you know, fight. She told Kasib (a name which she alternately pronounces Kasib and Kaaah-sib) that she wasn’t so sure if he should come on account of all the drama. She was just so sick of the fighting. Wouldn’t want that turbulent relationship stinking up the always peaceful household. Speaking of which, how come we haven’t seen Paula flip her lid over something random, like running out of paper towels. “There’s no more Bounty? We have to use Brawny? Great. That’s just great. KISS MY ASS, BRAWNY! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!”

Luckily, since Janelle was getting her very own storyline this week, that meant one thing: Jose was gonna get a storyline too! (It’s very efficient when MTV rolls all the wallflower stories into one episode.) Anyway, our little guy had met a girl named Jessica (a.k.a. “Jose’s crush,” according to MTV), and he was totally head over heels for her. I don’t know what it was about her that drove him so wild — maybe it was her weird Alias wig/Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago hairstyle or maybe it was the way that she absolutely towered over him like the Statue of Liberty. Whatever the case, Jose was digging her, and to make things even better, his buddy Zachary (a local friend, not our Jewfro’d roommate, Zach) had nothing but wonderful things to say about her.

Everything seemed perfect. But wait! There was a problem. No, it wasn’t that Jose had to say more than three words. The problem was that Jose had an ex-girlfriend named Irene who he still lived with. And even worse, this is what Irene looked like:

Okay, okay. I kid. We all know that THIS is what Jose’s Irene looked like:

I kid again! I’m on fire! Wait… wait… I got one more. Here’s the REAL Irene:

It’s Irene Ryan, a.k.a. Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies. Ha! I kill me!

Anyhoo, Jose wasn’t about to let his old flame Irene stop him. He was gonna go after Jessica, and just in case we had any doubts, master of obvious observations Zach told us, “I know he’s falling for Jessica. I KNOW he is!” He then added, “I can detect the lust in my Jew Fro!”

The next day, Janelle called up Kasib and apologized for her rude behavior the night before. This was a shocker because as far as we could tell, she’d never apologized to anyone for anything ever before. Was Kasib the one man that could tame Janelle’s wild steed? Possibly. Possibly not. With all wounds mended, Kasib then revealed that he still wanted to visit her (and be on TV) and furthermore, he was arriving the next morning for a three day stay. Yay! This won’t lead to insanity at all!

Well, Kasib arrived at the Key West airport the next day, and as he stepped out of the building, Janelle asked, “What’s up? You only have two bags?” Seriously! Two bags for three whole days??? How was he going to last? He should know that every day warrants a new bag. Simpleton.

Kasib with his spartan packing methods.

At the house, Svetlana and Paula introduced themselves to Kasib. Paula went so far as to note, “He looks just like in the pictures!” Yeah, that’s kind of how pictures work. Sort of magical, I know.

John then told us that Janelle was hoping to rekindle some sort of flame and that the outlook seemed pretty interesting. And I’m sure it’ll get much more interesting once Kasib discovers that John tore off Janelle’s bra in the ocean. But hey, since when has a little sexual predation soured the mood?

Well, once Kasib had met everyone in the house, he turned to Janelle and said, “I’m ready to go to sleep.” Keep in mind that it could not have been later than 11:45 AM. Yes, Kasib was horny and ready to ride the Janelle train.

Anyway, the two got it on up in the bedroom, and later that evening, Kasib, Zach, and Janelle talked about going out. Of course, their big plans were somewhat limited, as usual, because the roommates had a strict 1:30 AM curfew. Kasib lightheartedly asked if the curfew applied to him too, and while it seemed like a harmless little joke, clearly he had forgotten that no one is allowed to have a sense of humor around Miss Janelle (he as joking, right?)

“It’s a little disrespectful that he’d make a comment like that, especially in front of my roommate,” Janelle told us. She seemed to be a bit oversensitive, but then again, this is a woman who would accuse a housefly of being disrespectful to her on account of it flying away when she’d try to swat it. And by the way, I like how she took offense to Kasib’s comment especially since it was said in front of Zach. Apparently she suddenly cares about what her roommates think. Either way, she was pissed, and I was surprised Tyler didn’t zoom to her aid with a pen and paper and say, “Start the burn book. Start it.”

“Mekhi Phifer in 8 Mile is my idol.”

After the commercial break, we found all the roomies out at a bar partying with their new guest. Jose at one point introduced Kasib to Jessica, and I briefly feared that this chance meeting would turn into bad news. Would Kasib make the moves on Jessica? Would she be receptive? Would Jose have to actually do something? Turns out all my questions were unfounded. Nothing ever came of anything with Kasib and Jessica. Blast.

Meanwhile, guess who was being standoffish at the club? That’s right. Janelle had her total bitch-face on, and since no human would ever want to deal with her in that state (which is how she is seemingly 23 hours of the day), Kasib steered clear of her, opting to do his own thang at the club instead. Up until this point, it seemed like Kasib was pretty much the normal one — a hapless victim of Janelle’s raging diva impulses. But then the tide began to turn. We suddenly saw Kasib talking to a bunch of cute, young girls and what did playah do? He invited them over to the house. POOR FORM. It’s bad enough to do that when you’re already just a guest. It’s even worse when you’re your ex-girlfriend’s guest. Yes, it was becoming abundantly clear that Kasib was actually quite the idiot.

Well, Janelle pulled aside her man and barked, “Kasib!” With a sly smile, he replied, “What did I do?”

“Don’t talk to me like that!” she snapped back. To be fair, he hadn’t really talked to her in any sort of disrespectful tone, but Janelle was in such a tizzy that he could have been singing a lullaby and she’d still be wagging that finger in his face. Well, she was being ridiculous, and Kasib surely didn’t help the situation when he then cursed her off. Again, I always love the Janelle curse-off, but wasn’t it a bit obnoxious for him to act like he was completely innocent in this situation? That’s when I realized that it wasn’t a matter of who’s in the wrong. I just had to realize that they were both in the wrong — he for inviting those girls, she for flipping out over his alleged tone of voice. Little did I know that this was the tip of a very enjoyable iceberg.

Anyway, Janelle was absolutely livid, and she told us, “I’m thinking to myself, how immature can you be?” This comes from the woman who routinely gangs up on Svetlana with Tyler, but I digress. We then saw Janelle sitting outside on the sidewalk, crying in her hands. Kind of an odd sight, especially considering that for better or worse, she’s barely shed a tear all season.

Well, Kasib wasn’t about to be swayed by those tears. “You had a bad attitude from the start,” he said, and I wouldn’t disagree. Janelle then countered y saying that it’s messed up that Kasib would rather be going out rather than hanging out with her. And I wouldn’t disagree with her either. Eventually, Kasib did what any caring, nurturing boyfriend would do. He stepped away and said, “I don’t want to hear what you got to say no more.” Charming!

The two then returned to the house where they continued to fight — this time about… wait… I’m still trying to follow… um… Ah! The girls! Janelle was pissed that he had invited those girls to the house.

“Did I invite ‘em?” Kasib asked. Uh… yeah. You pretty much did. It was on camera, you dumbass.

Well, the two started to really get into it, and finally, Kasib announced that he was leaving. That’s right! He was going to pack up his blurred-out Louis Vuitton bag (a very manly piece of luggage, I might add) and stay at a hotel.

“You can sleep in our guest bedroom,” John offered as Kasib marched down the staircase. Poor Johnny Bananas. He just wanted to have a cool black friend to hang out with.

Nevertheless, as Kasib left the house, we saw Tyler sitting at the computer, and he was SHOCKED! As in, jaw-dropped, eyes open shocked. “This is the most expensive booty call I’ve ever seen!” Tyler told us, adding, “And I shall interpret it into a painting I shall call VELVET EMBRACE!”

VELVET EMBRACE!

“There’s a drama going on? And I didn’t get to stick my nose in it???”

Meanwhile, over in potential date rape territory, Jose was on the phone with Catherine Zeta Jessica, trying to get her to come by the house. “Just come for a little bit,” he coaxed. After much persuading, FriendZach alerted Jose that he would indeed be bringing Jessica by in about five minutes. Fantastic! Soon, Jessica would be all his… to not make a move on.

Elsewhere on the estate, John and Zach and their random friend Justin (where do they find all these people?) were chillin’ in the hot tub, laughing at the whole Janelle situation. Like us, they couldn’t believe that Kasib would fly across the country, have sex with Janelle, and then go off to some hotel. In the middle of all this, FriendZach showed up and said that Jose owed him one. Apparently, arranging this rendez-vous with Jessica was no easy task. But would it be worth it? Probably not. We then cut over to the much used Dock of Romance where Jose and Jessica sat by the water and talked about things. Would they kiss? Maybe. But then again, this was Jose. I’m thinking negatory on the smooching.

Well, just when this night was seemingly reaching its natural conclusion, the phone suddenly rang. It was Kasib. Before we could find out what he wanted, Tyler commented to us, “Janelle told me that every time she’s broken up with a boy, it’s because of her being too selfish. But wouldn’t you want to do something about it? Not in Janelle’s world.” Or Tyler’s world for that matter, but that’s a whole other issue.

Anyway, Kasib was calling at this late hour to say that all the hotels are either closed or sold out. Oops! He then demanded, “You need to come pick me up.” That’s right — no apologies, no recognition of what sort of hassle this would be, just pure demands.

“Um, Kasib,” Janelle started.

“I don’t want to hear it. Can you just come pick me up?” he asked. I loved how he acted as if somehow she were the one who had forced him to go downtown at 2 AM to seek out a hotel room. Well, he was about to learn why his little jaunt was not such a smart idea: that whole curfew thing. Yes, Janelle couldn’t go pick Kasib up even if she wanted to (and believe me, she didn’t want to — and for once, I backed her up).

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked, again acting like the victim of his stupidity. Well, Janelle suggested he go to the airport and try to get a flight home. Damn! Janelle takes no prisoners! I had to admit, I kind of loved the way she was handling this.

Anyway, Kasib did not like this latest suggestion. “Don’t– get out of my business! Don’t worry about me!” he snapped. If you don’t want her to worry about you and your business, then why are you calling up, complaining about your situation? Yay dumb people! Kasib, you are pure reality gold. Please visit more!

Well, Janelle finally said what was on all of our minds: “Kasib, you put yourself in that situation. Not me.” Cut to me intensely repressing a “You go girl!” Must… not… take… Janelle’s… side…

Just when things couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Kasib announced that he was hopping in a cab and coming back to the house, dammit! So much for needing that ride. One problem: Janelle wasn’t going to let him back in. Production was gonna stop him.

“They’ll have to call the police!” Kasib replied, as if calling the police was the most heinous task the security guards had ever faced. News flash for Kasib: they’re security guards. Calling the police is WHAT THEY DO.

Kasib then proudly announced, “Tell the police to be ready because I’m on my way over there right now!” Exactly what sort of moronic gauntlet was that to throw down? Kasib, you are not going to intimidate the police with your determination to return to the house. I don’t know about anyone else, but I was cracking up at this whole ridiculous mess.

Meanwhile, out on the dock, Jose was still yapping Jessica’s ear off about relationships and stuff. They both said how they were the bosses in previous relationships, but they’ve since learned the value of compromise. Ah! The ironic parallels to Janelle and Kasib were striking!

Well, true to his word, Kasib showed up at the house, and guess what? The security guard — who looked like some random dude off the street — wouldn’t let him in. Never one to be outsmarted, Kasib then called Janelle and asked, “Are you getting a kick out of this?” Don’t know about her, but we sure as hell were!

Nevertheless, I had to hand it to Janelle. She stood strong. She said she didn’t want him in the house because she didn’t want to be disrespected. To that Kasib said he wasn’t going to even talk to her; so there’d be no chance for him to disrespect her. WELL! Janelle didn’t like that. She pulled the whole “So you’re not going to even say one thing to me?” routine, which once again reminded me that even though she was steadfast, she still was pretty ridiculous in her own right.

Janelle then volunteered to call Kasib a cab to the airport, causing him to bark, “You want to hear some disrespect? You are a (bleeeep).” Don’t know what the bad word was, but I’ll assume it started with a “C” and ended with a “T”. And no, I’m not talking about “cat.” Needless to say, it was a real C U Next Tuesday moment.

Well, Janelle hung up, and of course, seconds later, Kasib was calling back up. Zach mercifully unplugged the phone, and eventually, Kasib realized that his days at the Real World manse were done. He hopped in another cab, headed to the airport, slept on a bench, and then bon voyage! Enjoy the flight back to San Jose!

Meanwhile, just when Jose’s dock talk with Jessica was starting to kind of heat up (not really), there was a ring at the front door. It was FriendZach back again. He was supposed to go home, forcing Jessica to spend the night (crafty Jose!) but apparently he had left his house keys with her.

“You want to hear something even more funny?” FriendZach asked. “I’m cockblocking you right now, Jose!” Okay, he didn’t say that. But he did note that he was in the same cab as Kasib or something like that. Yes, hilarious.

Jose then told us, “Flight from San Jose to Key West: $750. Buy a new wardrobe ’cause you’re gonna see Janelle: $250. Getting kicked out in less than fifteen hours: priceless.” There are some things money can buy. For everything else, there’s Janelle.

Well, now that Zach was back, Jose’s sleepover with Jessica was officially ruined. Also ruining it: the fact that she really didn’t seem to be that into him. Too bad. Of all the people in the house, Jose seems the most well-adjusted. Gosh darnit, he’s like the nicest guy to ever stumble out of a Real World house. Don’t break his heart, Jessica!

At this point, I kind of thought the episode would be over, but alas, there was more stuff to tend to. The next day, Jose got on the phone with Irene and reaffirmed with her that they were in fact broken up and just friends. He then told her that he kissed another girl, causing a very minor tiff that ended rather maturely. Oh that Jose and his dramatic life! I did notice, by the way, that his voice and inflections totally changed when he was talking to Irene. Yeah, that’s all I was gonna say about that. Sorry, Jose just doesn’t inspire too many profound observations aside from “He’s so nice.”

Meanwhile, Janelle kvetched to Tyler about Kasib and how he had invited over those girls, which Tyler immediately labeled “Baby whores,” despite never having seen them. Sadly, none of those “baby whores” marched up to him and yelled, “I have a lot of great things going on in my life right now!” and then left a note that said, “You should have stayed at Tufts, you low-life BITCH!”

Ultimately, Tyler told Janelle, “I’m glad I don’t have to date you. I would last maybe ten minutes.” And those ten minutes would be horrific. What did you think about this episode? Did you think better or worse of Janelle? And what did you think about Kasib and their relationship?