Landon Needs a Cuddle Card

Remember Real World: Las Vegas? Remember that feeling you got when an episode revolved around the tempestuous relationship of Alton and Irulan? You know, that empty, I-wanna-gouge-my-eyes-out-with-a-pencil feeling? Well, I’m happy to announce that it’s back once again in the form of Real World: Philadelphia’s Landon and Shavonda, two of the more unappealing cast members this side of the Paris season. Luckily, last night’s episode did not deal with their increasingly annoying relationship (that appears to be on the docket for next week). Instead, we had another foray into the world of Hometown Honeys, and unsurprisingly, it was dull and boring. There was lots of red, drunken booting though, and if there’s anything Bunim/Murray loves to dramatize, it’s vomit.Truthfully, Bunim/Murray must have been jizzing themselves with the way this episode played out. It started off with Landon and Sarah wandering through a park in Philly, appropriately stumbling upon the famouse Love sculpture. At the moment, I thought it was just random B-Roll to portray the burgeoning friendship between Landon and Sarah’s boobs, but sneaky Bunim/Murray had slipped some bona fide foreshadowing in our path.

I guess seeing a sculpture about love made Landon think about, you know, love. He soon was babbling to Sarah about his ex, Becky, whom he dated for seven years. “Becky has such compaaaasion,” opined Landon with a touch of that Wisconsin accent we’ve grown to love (and by love, I mean mock). Sadly, Becky’s compassion does not extend to Landon because she broke his heart and started dating his roommate. I wonder if this was Landon’s black roommate. Rumor is he’s HILArious.

Well, as luck would have it, while Landon was telling stories of love lost, the famous Becky just so happened to call the mansion to say she was in town. Melanie took the message, and I was honestly surprised that she didn’t weigh in with some passive aggressive judgement like “Becky, so great to talk to you! I’m surprised you called. I would never, NEVER call my ex boyfriend who’s still in love with me.”

When Landon did eventually get the message, he eagerly called up his Becky Wecky and the two engaged in predictably boring chatter. They giggled about how fortuitous it was that she was in town for the night because of a botched layover in Philly. “A guy had a stroke on our plane,” said Becky happily. He had a stroke! Yay!

Well, what else was there to do except go out and get drunk? Landon applied half a jar of pommade to his hair – as usual – and scurried out to fetch Becky and her mystery friend. Gosh, why would someone shy away from this moment in the reality spotlight? We found out later, but first we had to pay a visit to resident shrew Shavonda.

See, Shavonda had big things on her mind. She had sent ex-boyfriend Shaun a “cuddle card” which for all you non-cuddle card savants is a type of e-card (and an e-card, for all you non e-card savants, is a really lame way of cluttering up your friends’ inboxes with saccharine animations). Well, according to Shavonda, Shaun ALWAYS gushes over the cuddle cards, but this time he hadn’t said anything about it. Hmmm… Maybe he only gushed over them when the prospect of booty was still available. Unless he’s, you know, gay. I mean, cuddle card??

Anyway, instead of doing the mature, adult thing and saying to Shaun, “Hey, did you get my Cuddle Card?”, Shavonda opted for a more yenta-ish approach by accessing his email and scouring his inbox. Okay, that’s pretty bad, but if she just looked to see that it had arrived and then logged off, it would be forgiveable (apparently, it hadn’t arrived). Of course, Shavonda hasn’t always been a paradigm of class – as evidenced by her careful rifling through Shaun’s emails. Nosy Shavonda soon discovered that Shaun’s ex girlfriend had flown him down to her place for the weekend. WELL!

Shavonda immediately rang up Shaun and asked him a few leading questions like “Do you have anything to tell me?” When that fishing trip yielded no results, she just went in for the kill, squawking, “I checked yours [email] today to see if you got my cuddle card which by the way you DIDN’T!” I was surprised that she didn’t add “Your ISP is down, you might want to think about THAT too. Also, Yahoo has been a little slow today, but I guess you wouldn’t know that, WOULD YOU????”

The two went at it, with Shavonda complaining that Shaun went out of state without telling her. So is she a parole officer on the side or something? Honestly, Shavonda has to put on a muzzle and go away for a few episodes. Later in the episode, Shaun called and asked for one more shot. One more shot at what? They’re broken up. Shavonda just hung up on him. Finally, one of these people made a decisive move. Please MTV, let that be the last of that saga.

Meanwhile, back at the Wisconsin reunion, Becky and Landon and Mystery Friend continued to drink the night away. The three made their way over to a booze cruise (which appeared to be some hick with a speedboat). Around this time we discovered why Mystery Friend decided to remain a mystery as she let forth a torrent of red, watery vomit… for the rest of the night. Landon and Becky tended to their stumpy little friend as she waddled down the streets of Philly in a drunken stupor, and for some reason, this turn of events soured the lovey-dovey time Landon and Becky were having. Later, as the group waited on a stoop for a cab to arrive, Becky asked her friend “Are you really really sick?” Uh no, she’s just wretching for comedic effect. In other news, Becky is an idiot.

Becky’s friend casts her vote on Election Night

Later, Landon found a cubby in the bathroom and cried. Sarah, wandering around in search of sexual gratification and/or… well, pretty much sexual gratification, found the big oaf teary-eyed and did her best supportive friend routine. “Let me open my vagina to you,” her eyes seemed to say. Actually, Sarah’s been proving herself to be a pretty solid friend to these people, so I might temper my usual attacks on her sexually promiscuous/desperate character.

Alas, the Landon sobfest wasn’t over though. He retired to the confessional where he once again poured his heart out about Becky. Blah blah blah. One question though? Why did Landon seem so effeminate? That’s right. It’s Philly: gayest season EVER.