Lovers and Friends

I know this sounds really bad, but does anyone else sort of want a rape investigation in the Real World house? Just hear me out. Last season, after an alleged rape occurred in the San Diego household, the final two months of the roomies’ stay were condensed down to three or four pithy episodes (sorry Charlie. Barely knew ya). Now, I liked last season; so its truncated run was a little sad for me. But here we are in Real World: Philadelphia with two months left to document and no signs of rape or murder on the horizon. This is not fair, I tell you.Anyway, when we last left our septet of suck, they were cavorting under the romantic Fijian moon. And by “cavorting”, I mean “having sex”, “preying on teenagers for sex” and “threatening to slash each other’s throats.” But now it was time for everyone to pack their bags and head back to Philly. Oh wait, they’re still in Fiji. Hmmm… This is awkward. (Twiddling thumbs during montage of Fiji nature shots. Palm trees. Ocean. Ugly carpeting — okay, NOW we’re back in Philly).

Upon return to the Real World house, Shavonda immediately gave us her Frommers opinion of the trip: “I grew closer to some people in Fiji, I grew apart from others.” She then added “I let some stick their peepees in me and didn’t let others. I’m not going to name names though.” Yes, Shavonda and Landon finally had sex, and if you’re like me, you’ve been quietly dreading the inevitable Shaun drama soon to be splattered on our face like an unwanted money shot (I know that’s a disturbing image, but Landon and Shavonda really do conjure up the vilest prose).

But before any bickering could take place, we briefly visited with Mel who was weighing out her passive aggressive options. “I think I’m gonna ask, ‘Are you gonna tell Shaun what happened?’” she told Karamo. Oooh. What a rare glimpse into the mind of the PA master! And here I thought she came up with her bon-mots right on the spot. I really enjoy that she strategizes how she’s going to PA Shavonda, but if I were her, I’d say “So Shavonda, do you think you should tell Shaun you’re a slut?” Hmmm… too obvious?

Actually, in all honesty, I don’t think Shavonda’s a slut. She’s just an annoying drama queen with little to no redeeming qualities. I mean seriously. She brings nothing to this planet. Well, I guess she breathes, and that’s good for plants. Cut to a dying plant gasping “Her breath… It’s like fire!”

Anyway, Shavonda eventually jumped on the phone to call her lame pseudo-boyfriend Shaun who clearly was taking a break from his Jason Schwartzman impersonation class. “Did you think about me a lot?” he asked in full needy splendor. Shavonda looked shamefully at her feet and responded “Yeah… ” I guess she didn’t have the heart to tell him she only thought of him in a guilty, this-isn’t-Shaun’s-penis sort of way. Awkward silence ensued. Later, after learning of Shavonda’s illicit sexcapades, Shaun mumbled, “My stomach really hurts right now.” Adding, “I’m an enormous pussy.”

Shavonda babbled some token lines in her defense, but once again Shaun retorted with a Tony Braxtonish accusation that she had thrown out everything. “And you lost me,” he added as melodramatic punctuation. Unnnnbreak my heart… What are these two fighting about anyway? They’re not even together. Or maybe they are together. According to Shavonda, she was about to commit to him for the rest of her life, but if HEEEEE couldn’t understand that SHEEEE wanted to play the field, that was F’d up. Huh? Exactly how does commitment translate to playing the— oh never mind. I just have to accept that she’s an idiot. A big dumb idiot. A big dumb idiot who probably has scabies.

Anyway, with romantic tensions running high in the house, MJ swooped in to provide his expert analysis on the situation: “We are back in Philly, not Fiji. It’s a whole different way of life.” Oooh. Well observed, MJ. Well observed. He then added “You see, Fiji is an island. Philly is a city. Fiji is in the South Pacific. Philly is in America. Fiji is—” and so on and so forth until he fell asleep. Meanwhile, Shavonda and Landon discussed their unique situation and HELLO, this camera’s too close. Seriously, I can like see up their nostrils. Can we take a step back? Just a few inches? No? Okay. Well, from extreme close up we watched as Shavondan (or Lavonda? Eh, sounds like a stripper) talked about “things” and giggled flirtatiously. There’s was a lot of “I’m fine with it” and “But I don’t wanna be” and “I don’t know.” Finally Shavonda said that she doesn’t know if she regrets the sex. We then cut to Landon telling us “That doesn’t make me feel very good!” Wah wah wah. I half expected him to curl his bottom lip down while a violin droned sadly in the background. If Landon were an emoticon, he’d probably be But then I’d stab him in the eye, and then he’d be .-( Stupid Landon eye.

Elsewhere in this worthless episode, Karamo was still hemming and hawing about (sigh) Landon and Shavonda. Wow. Everything really does come back to these two. Apparently, Karamo was super mad that Shavonda could betray her race, uh, I mean Shaun. Poor poor Shaun. Since when did Karamo care about Shaun? And since when was it any of Karamo’s business? And since when did Karamo start making out with that beanpole guy in the Iverson jersey?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, meet Ed, aka Not-Dorian. Unlike Karamo’s previous fling with that 80s-music-lovin’ Dorian (wow, could he BE more gay!), this new love wuz real. First of all, Ed loves Hip Hop. Second of all… uh… Ed loves breathing? Yes! So does Karamo! A perfect match! Well, the lights must have been low at the club because Karamo didn’t seem to realize that Ed was Puerto Rican (dunh dunh DUNH!). This calls for obvious irony. Where’s MJ? Oh, there he is! We immediately cut to our curly-haired Southern gentleman pulling an “Ah hah!” as he noted that Karamo, famous hater of inter-racial romance, was in fact in an INTER-RACIAL ROMANCE! Nearby, an elderly white lady raised a kerchief to her head and fainted. Luckily her husband caught her. Her BLACK husband. The plot thickens!

Soon the whole household was aflutter with murmurings of Karamo’s not-black boyfriend. How could he date Ed and begrudge Shavonda and Landon? How??? Is there no justice anymore??? Shavonda, Sarah, and Willie held an emergency tribunal on the street where Sarah informed all those present that Karamo had vocalized his hatred for Shavonda by saying, well, “I hate her! I hate her!” And by “Karamo”, she probably meant “America”. Then Sarah actually followed up with “I’m not ratting on him.” Yeah, she’s not “ratting on him” per se. She’s just, you know, ratting on him. See the difference?

Anyway, somehow the episode refocused its attention on Shavonda who was talking about herself once again. Turns out she believed she was on the show for a reason. What? To be annoying? “God’s saying you need to be single,” she continued. How about God’s saying you should SHUT UP. Who did she think she was anyway? Shavonda of Arcadia? Finally, this frizzy-haired banshee finished her monologue by insisting that “I don’t play games with boys.” Hi Shaun.

Later, Shavonda and Landon found themselves “In Da Club”, as 50 Cent would say (update: Karamo now loves me). The two flirted endlessly with strangers before finally reconvening to flirt with each other. MJ, meanwhile, sat bored and alone in some oily-faced stupor, perhaps set off by a sudden growth spurt in his cracker-fro. Afterwards, Shavonda expressed enjoyment at making Landon squirm while she danced with another man. “I wasn’t going to hook up with any guys. Just wanted to push it… You make them jealous,” she explained in an interview. Once again, she does NOT play games with boys.

At the end of the night, the two hopped into bed together and lay there while MJ prattled on about who knows what. Helllo?? Third wheel (I’m talking about you, Shavonda. It’s man-sex time). Nevertheless, the two spent the night together, and welcomed the morning sun with a scandalous shower. Karamo watched in disgust, but he lightened up as he realized that he too was in an inter-racial romance. I’m cool with them, he told us, and suddenly all was harmonious in the Real World house yet again. Tra la la la la!

Seriously, why does Shavonda suck so much?