Last week, when I opted to spend Tuesday night leering at the Real World: Austin cast live and in person, I thought for sure the readers would be forgiving about my recap tardiness. But alas, when pretty Abercrombie models spend a half an hour acting dumb, it’s hard to hold off the masses with just a few grainy photos and personal observations. And so here we are, nearly a week later, and finally a recap. No more stalling. Let’s dive in!The episode began with the kiddos pouring out of the front door like slowly dripping ooze. It was time to hit the town (The Dizzy Rooster, perhaps?) and as the chipper clan of merrymakers (or stupidmakers, depending on the topic of conversation) strolled through the murky streets of Austin, we learned a storm was brewing between our two favorite paradigms of self-delusion: Wes and Johanna. You see, they weren’t talking to each other any more in the wake of last episode’s monumental fight, which, as you may remember, was about nothing. Literally. Okay, okay. It was about something. Basically, Wes had accused Johanna of being a cocktease, and Johanna had accused Wes of being, well, some inaudible slurring sound. A “blirshlirish” perhaps? Nevertheless, this epic rift somehow remained intact, despite the usually enlightening effect of sobriety, which leads me to believe these two a) are kind of immature; b) still haven’t sobered up; or c) all of the above.
Anyway, everyone arrived at The Dizzy Rooster (of course), and almost immediately, we shifted to the lovely Mel who was talking with her friend, TJ. This Real World dayplayer shared an utterly fascinating account of his latest fight with his girlfriend, a story which immediately caused Melinda to pine after Danny yet again. Then again, anything makes Melinda think about Danny. A bum chasing a plastic bag could probably send Melinda’s heart aflutter.
Back at the house, DannyFest 2005 continued as Melinda announced she was going to spray her sheets with his cologne, which I’ll assume was imitation Axe Body Spray. Either that, or Febreeze. And in case you’re wondering, Danny had actually given Melinda permission to shroud her linens ‘n’ things in his scent. Still no word though on whether or not she could stop calling him “Yahweh.”
Continuing her lunacy, Melinda then brought a small picture of Danny out to the kitchen and propped it up near the spoonful of mac & cheese that constituted her dinner. “He’s like eating with us!” she cooed. Except, well, I’m pretty sure Danny’s taller than three inches. And three-dimensional. And, you know, not a photograph.
We then saw a closeup of this Danny photo as the girls observed how happy he looked. I personally was more taken by the random English muffin in his hand. Does he often carry those around?
Danny’s got some girls, his hat, and an English muffin. Who could ask for anything else?
Anyway, let’s just move on before I get caught up in a tangental discussion of English muffins (and believe me, it was about to happen. You don’t even want to know about the paragraph I just deleted). The next day, the roommates busted out their spiffy video camera and taped each other as part of a documentary exercise. We first watched Melinda’s wonderful camerawork as she zoomed in (and I mean zoooooomed in) on Johanna’s eye. Wow. So bold. So artistic. So amateurish. Somebody call Current TV! We got a new pod!!
Meanwhile, Wes announced that he wanted to film Lacey in the closet. Um, okay. Didn’t really make sense, but hey, we’ll go with it. Lacey was actually fine with it too, but she did note, “I don’t want them to think I’m gay.” Hmmm… Virgin? Short hair? She does have a point. Eh, but we all know Wes is the closeted one, so I wouldn’t worry too much, Lace. Actually, Wes wanted to be filmed in his natural environment. “So Nehemiah should be doing me in the bar?” he suggested. Oh Wes. You make it so easy.
Eventually, Lacey paired off with Rachel and the two followed in film auteur Melinda’s footsteps by making excessive use of the zoom function. Needless to say, as stimulating as it was to gaze upon Rachel’s earlobe (and mouth. And eye. And hair), I think I would have settled for an old-fashioned medium shot. Lacey did explain the method to her madness: “I wanted to interview Rachel because Rachel’s so loud.” Yes, as evidenced by this FRECKLE ON HER NECK.
Executives at Current now have an erection.
Later, after we also glimpsed some of the breathtaking video work of Wes and Nehemiah, the roomies all headed to U of T to meet with their salt-and-pepper-haired advisor, “Steck.” Things were awkward at first as the Steck-meister said, “PJ and Jenn told me that Danny’s mother– He hasn’t had a very good month.” It’s okay, Steck. You can say “DIED.” No need to patronize with massive understatements.
Johanna — fresh from Real World: Iditarod.
Anyway, after Steck was done making awkward comments, he introduced us to some bearded guy whose career aspirations probably include “Jason Lee’s best friend.” I honestly didn’t write down his name because I thought we’d never see him again, but alas, he actually returned to the Real World house with the kids (I know. I didn’t think ugly people were allowed in either) and revealed a secret room in the compound. Yes, this was the most exciting thing to happen since Rachel stumbled upon the gold room in Big Brother 6. Turns out the mansion came with a fully equipped editing room featuring Avid systems, various glossy monitors, and — wait for it — color coded folders. AWESOME!
The bearded guy then asked the group, “Who’s had experience editing?” causing Rachel to reply, “I’ve made numerous iMovies.” WELL. Let’s just hand over the Oscar right now. Actually, to Rachel’s credit, she does have quite the oeuvre when it comes to iMovies. Her trilogy on cotton candy ice cream was nothing short of pure cinematic brilliance.
Anyway, the segment ended, and we knew the ugly person had finally left the Real World confines because we were treated to cheery images of squirrels and birds cavorting in the magical Smurftown that is Austin. And speaking of Smurfs, the cast’s resident Smurfette was on the phone, talking to the exotically named Marcel. You see, Marcel was coming to visit and — HOLY SHIT! Look who’s back! It’s Daaaaannny! Yes, as Melinda chatted on the phone, she saw her main man on the security monitor walking up to the door. And amazingly, he wasn’t complaining about anything. Melinda immediately smiled with excitement, told Marcel to hold on, and then bounded out of the phone room like a gazelle.
Downstairs (and after the commercial break), Mel latched onto Danny, not unlike the extraterrestrial organism in Alien. The two embraced for several moments; although, Mel was not so overwhelmed as to have put down her yogurt. Sadly, Danny’s pet English Muffin was nowhere to be seen. Too bad. Really could have been a snack-filled hug.
By the way, Marcel’s still waiting. Might want to wrap this up, Melinda. (Cut to a confused Marcel on the phone: “Hello? Hello? Melinda?”)
After Danny escaped from the tentacles of his girlfriend, the rest of the roommates welcomed him back. They even showed Danny the new editing suite, but of course, the prima donna had something negative to say; basically, he was afraid of computers. “I’m just scared I’m gonna blow it up,” he said. Yeah, because that always happens to computers. Maybe if you jam a stick of dynamite in the disk drive…
Of course, the editing room has fast become my favorite space in the house, if only because of the silliness that pours forth from inside it. This time we got to see some of Nehemiah’s footage of Wes, and to be honest, I had high hopes. After all, Nehemiah has expressed interest in becoming a music video director and had even gone to college for it. But what did we see? A page wipe. YES, a page wipe. For those of you not familiar with rudimentary wedding video techniques, the page wipe is that oh-so-classy transition where the current image peels away as if you’d magically turned, you guessed it, a page. Move over David LaChapelle and Sophie Muller. Nehemiah’s in town now!
Unsurprisingly, it was only a matter of minutes before Danny had booze on his mind. “So what’s the deal with tonight?” he asked. I don’t know. Let’s ask Wes: “I want to go to The Dizzy Rooster.” OF COURSE. The only thing more reliable than the roomies’ insatiable lust for The Dizzy Rooster is Danny’s undying love affair with short-brimmed caps.
There was some boring discussion about whether or not this would be a group activity or boy’s night out and blah blah blah, now Danny was suddenly debating whether or not to get back together with Melinda. Yeah, I didn’t care either, but since this sort of stuff passes for drama these days, we had to watch our grumpy Bostonian ponder this existential dilemma. Ultimately, he opted to keep his distance, making for one of the most awkward Dizzy Rooster nights EVER. All the boys stayed at one table and all the girls stayed at another. Meanwhile, Rachel was raring to have fun. “Will you make me my special drink when you get a chance?” she asked the bartender sweetly. Her special drink, eh? Let me guess: Cotton Candy Vodka. In an envelope.
After Danny’s bitchiness had sufficiently made the evening completely uncomfortable for everyone, Melinda finally approached him and pleasantly asked “Is something bothering you?” Danny merely shook his head no, not even making eye contact. Yes, nothing was bothering Danny, as evidenced by his STONY SILENCE. Shut up, Whitney Houston.
Sensing that they were no longer welcome, the girls headed off to another bar where they drowned their sorrows with several shots of tequila. Uh oh. This was gonna be trouble. Sure enough, as everyone returned to the house, the fights started up. Johanna proudly declared, “I drink a lot! I’m an alcoholic!!” and then another fight broke out between her and Wes. Honestly, I don’t remember what it was about, but I’ll just assume it was stupid. At the very least though, they did make up by the end of the episode, thus bringing an end to that two-week no-speaking probation that had had us all fearing the demise of this twosome.
As for Melinda, well, she was passed out. Wearing his PJs AND his cap (what is he hiding under there anyway?), Danny suddenly realized that he should maybe drop that attitude and help out his girlfriend. He poked and prodded her a few times before carrying her exposed butt to the toilet into which she liberally vomited. “Thank you so much!” she managed to coo in between gags. I was confused. Was she thanking him for holding her hair back, or thanking him for being such an asshole that she had to go drink her broken heart away?
“Seeing her in that much trouble makes me realize how much I love her,” said Danny in an interview. Yes, there’s really nothing more romantic than copious amounts of vomit spewing forth from a girl. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen in love with food-poisoned women.
The next day, we knew order had been restored because we cut away to some pleasant images of swans. Awww… Danny and his girl appeared happy together yet again, and Melinda made the salient point that Danny seemed to be grieving the wrong way. We then watched the guy beat himself up once again as he cried that he should have been home, not in Austin. Melinda stroked his head and told him he couldn’t blame himself anymore, but alas, Danny simply stared off with tears running down his cheeks. And with that, the show ended. Hey, what about the swans??
What did you think about the show?