Good news! The Real World: Austin finally graduated from Danny’s skull drama to more pressing issues: mainly, does Melinda really like Danny, or is she just a flirt? Sure, there was some fleeting discussion about the war in Iraq, but whatever. Why worry about that when a blonde girl in hot pants is horny for everything in sight? So let’s hop on the train to Austin and see what’s been going down with our seven strangers…This week’s debacle began with stirring images of a peace rally in Austin. Oooh! A politically charged episode? We can only hope! After all, the past few weeks have saddled us with nothing but bony melodrama and endless dry humping from Melinda and Danny. Finally, something more substantial!
My enthusiasm was quickly rewarded as we met up with Rachel showing off her army photo album to the roomies. “I fought for this country,” she said. “It actually gives you a sense of pride.” Yes, much like how appearing on The Real World can give you a sense of shame.
With everyone leafing through Rachel’s photos, we finally had our first open dialogue about the Iraq conflict. “What happens if you get caught having sex with one of the soldiers?” asked Danny. Ah yes, the question on every American’s mind. Thank you MTV for finally providing the forum for these pressing issues. I’m only sad that Sway couldn’t pop in with his expert commentary.
This political discourse soon gave way to a random B-roll footage of Austin’s various bronze soldier statues. Ah, get it? Soldier statues on an episode about soldiers! It was almost — almost — as good as the trusty red light/green light footage we get to see during rocky relationship stories. Man, Bunim/Murray never saw a traffic light it couldn’t splice into an emotional conflict.
Nevertheless, the episode was proving to be dangerously legitimate in the substance department as Rachel and Nehemiah debated whether or not life is worse for a prisoner or a soldier. It’s sort of an interesting question. Luckily, these two wunderkind weren’t up for the intellectual challenge, mostly because, well, they’re reality stars. Instead, the discussion devolved into snippy little remarks, ultimately ending with some passive aggressive straw sucking. Now, I like Nehemiah, but until he’s been to jail, he should probably zip it. And Rachel, she should probably zip it too, but that’s only because she’s fairly annoying in general.
Seeing that this episode might be stranding us on an island of sobriety and thoughtful dialogue, we quickly shifted focus to who else? Melinda and Danny! Yes, The Beauty & The Beauty cuddled warmly in their corner, basking in the glow of their genetic fortune. Unfortunately, Danny’s broken face was still ruining his social life, which meant Melinda had to go out all by her lonesome self in an effort to mingle with the other roomies. “I still need to get to know the rest of the roommates,” Melinda noted. She then summoned everyone into the room and asked, “Okay, in an effort to get to know you better, I would like to formally invite you to my vagina. Who wants to have sex?”
Actually, she didn’t say that, but Melinda did go off with her other roommates to enjoy a night of non-broken-faced revelry. Left at home, Danny explained to us, “I’m used to dating more conservative types of girls.” Well, thank god you came on the Real World. No sluts here! Just your typical Amy Grant fans who like to nestle in for a long night of hot cocoa and HGTV.
Speaking of sluts, Johanna showed up on screen to announce that the group would be heading off to a theme party that night. “I like theme parties,” she noted. Favorite theme: alcoholism. Now, I watched this episode without a Tivo (yes, shocking, right?) so I must have missed what this theme actually was. As far as I could tell, it was “Use Your Curling Iron Night!” because aside from a few crimps and curls in Johanna’s locks, everyone pretty much looked the same as always. Everyone, that is, except Lacey who whored it up at the bar with her sensible top and provocative hand-over-mouth dancing/bopping. Oh, bitch just flaunts it.
Later, a drunken Wes — still trying to prove his manhood/not-gayhood — approached a few girls and said he wanted to make out. It didn’t go over too well with one girl, but guess who was more than open to the idea? That’s right! Our very own slutterella, Melinda! The two swapped spit for a whole three seconds before blondie pulled back in laughter. To be fair, it was all fun and games, and nothing happened that was any more risqué than Mindi’s makeout session with Richard on tonight’s Beauty and the Geek reunion show (seriously, did anyone see that?). But this is The Real World. It would only be a matter of time before the entire non-incident would turn into a full-scale hellfire and brimstone drama.
Well, after going to the dark side that is Wes World, Melinda returned to her loyal Danny and announced, “I miss you so much, it’s not funny.” Actually, it’s very funny. But I digress. What else do you have to say for yourself, Melinda? “I want to f*ck you so bad.” Excellent. One STD, coming right up.
Meanwhile, Wes described the Melinda-smooch to his gossip-starved roomates in the living room. Lacey and Johanna relished the opportunity to hear of Melinda’s skank-alicious ways (even though the entire kiss was far from skanky), and of course Wes was more than happy to make it seem like they had done the nasty right there on the sidewalk. When asked how long they kissed, Wes smiled with faux-modesty and answered, “There was a good quality of time.” So apparently four seconds counts as a good quality of time now. This reminded me of the season premiere when Johanna gave Danny a little peck on the lips and then reported to her friend at home that she’d actually made out with him. What a bunch of delusional drunkards. Thank you, Bunim/Murray. Thank you.
Well, armed with info that could possibly a) cause drama in the house; and b) break up Danny and Melinda; and c) cause even more drama, Lacey began her quietly passive aggressive campaign against Mel. “Why was that happening?” she asked Wes in regards to their kiss. Honestly, she didn’t really want to know the answer. She just wanted someone else to say “Melinda’s a flirt. She’s not good for Danny.” That way she could then repeat that to Danny and, well, like I said, drama ensues. But in the meantime, let’s consider for a moment just how scary it is that when Lacey wears no makeup, she looks EXACTLY LIKE WES. I can’t stare any longer. It’s freakin’ me out.
After the commercial break, we returned to our buddies all waking up early (1 PM probably) to meet videographers Jenn and PJ. (In case you forgot, the Real Worlders are supposed to shoot a crappy little documentary this season). Anyway, it should come as no surprise to anyone that absolutely none of the roommates were capable of being ready on time, something that supremely bothered army vet Rachel. Yeah, what’s the deal with “punctuality” anyway? Is that like a virtue or something? Psssh. Whatever. Well, everyone finally arrived at the lair of PJ and Jenn — a.k.a. Gender Bender Manor. She looks like a guy, he talks like a girl, and I’m pretty sure there was a hermaphrodite hanging out somewhere in the back.
Just when you thought things couldn’t be more fascinating than Jenn’s odd resemblance to Zach Braff, we then got to watch the various roommates do such complicated things as holding a camera and… holding a microphone and… pressing the little red button on said camera. Yes, this will be the most challenging job yet.
While taking a break from this all-too-stressful activity, Johanna and Lacey told Rachel that her whole “punctuality” thing was a real buzz kill. This of course led to a cursory “Well, in the army, we had to be punctual…” type explanation from Rachel who then noted, “I had no idea that the army affected my life this much.” We then immediately cut away to yet another military statue. You see! That just proves how much the army has affected her life! She actually turned into a statue!
Back at the mansion, we stumbled upon the McLaughlin Group, except instead of John McLaughlin, we had Nehemiah, and instead of Eleanor Clift, we had Rachel. And instead of a general knowledge of current events, we had idiocy. Yes, the Real Worlders were talkin’ politics again, and amazingly, the subject did not immediately veer into whether or not the Iraq war makes you horny. Instead, Nehemiah babbled about hating the war, Rachel babbled about loving the war, Danny babbled about terrorism, and OH MY GOD. These people are IDIOTS. Eventually, Nehemiah made the ballsiest/stupidest move. He told Rachel, “You weren’t there. You were a nurse.” Uh oh. This is gonna be good!
Sure enough, Rachel got the ole index finger out and began pointing up a storm full of “I WAS THERE!” and “DON’T TELL ME” and “WHAT’S FOR LUNCH?” Okay, maybe not the last one, but still, she was pissed off, and I couldn’t blame her. Nehemiah was pretty dumb for saying what he did, but then again, it wasn’t nearly as dumb as Kelly from Amazing Race 7, who accused her POW boyfriend Ron of wanting to be captured so that he could get out of his military service early. Man, moronic military accusations are pretty awesome. I really want someone to go up to Bob Dole and say, “The only reason you served in the military was so you could hold a pen the rest of your life, asshole.”
“YOU WERE NOT THERE at the buffet. Really good beef stroganoff.”
Anyway, with Rachel having brought up several undeniable points, Nehemiah simply stared at her and asked, “You done?” Ah yes, a classic Real World defense. When you can’t think of anything to say but still want to make the other person feel lame, simply ask, “You done?” or “Is that all?” Nothing is more searing than the accusation of garrulousness! Advantage: Nehemiah.
Later, Nehemiah went out to dinner with Melinda who expressed shock at his accusations towards Rachel. “I was like, ‘Oh my gad!’” she said in full midwestern glory. She then added, “Oh geez” and “I’m ganna go look at this jab appartunity and then maybe watch the Ascars. Anyone want some corn on the cab?”
Well, after having a nice talk with Mel about “the comment”, Nehemiah went home and wrote an apology letter. Awww… And then Rachel read it and hugged and kissed him. Awwww… And then they talked about how they were both wrong. Wait, wait, wait. What the hell was this?? These two handled the situation maturely. WTF?? I expected at least another five minutes of finger wagging and nonsensical shouting. Maybe some knife play. I’m so disgusted, I can’t even blog about it.
Luckily, the producers were equally as dismayed by this undramatic resolution; so we then moved back to the real issues: Melinda and Danny’s ever romantic love story (as symbolized by them licking each other’s tongues). Yes, the lovebirds were at it again, but their relationship would soon be tested in ways that mankind cannot fathom. They would have to endure… gossip! As we knew would happen, Lacey cornered Danny and told him about Melinda and Wes’s kiss, you know, for his own good! “I don’t think she’s planning on calming down for your sake,” she said in a “I think you guys should break up but I’m not saying it” tone. As Danny reeled in shock (Lacey did make it sound like Melinda had performed fellatio on half of Austin — which wouldn’t be out of the question), the disingenuous remarks continued. “I just don’t want you to get your emotions into it,” Lacey said. Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly it. She was only looking out for you, Danny. Not trying to stir up trouble. No siree. That’s okay though. It’ll only be a matter of time before she dons her Darth Vader suit of Outcast-ness.
Well, with Lacey’s seeds of paranoia firmly implanted in his heart, Danny walked sullenly throughout the house with NO MUSIC! Huh? Surely his emotional state warranted some well-timed Linkin Park or Jack Johnson! How else will I know what to feel without my musical cues?? Was this a funny scene? Was it sad? I found myself spinning on an emotional carousel, desperately attempting to find an appropriate response. Laughing on second, crying another — it was horrible. Never again, Bunim/Murray. Never again.
Luckily, Danny eventually told us what was on his mind. He was angry that Melinda hadn’t told him about the kiss, and now he was avoiding her to show that he was hurt. “I’m mad. If she wants to talk to me about something, she can come and talk to me about it. She’s a big girl,” he said. And yes, you’re a big boy… by not talking to her about what you want to talk to her about. Excellent logic!
Sensing that something was amiss, Melinda hopped into her best-est pair of hot pants and hopped onto Danny who was, you guessed it, lying on his bed in the corner. For Danny, why don’t we just rename this season, The Real World: Bed. Okay, okay, he has a broken face. I recant. Anyway, with Melinda’s butt cheeks popping out all over, the pretty couple had a Very Serious discussion about The Kiss and The Relationship. Danny droned on about how Wes was his roommate and his friend and his boy, and Melinda should have told him, man. By the way, why wasn’t Danny mad at Wes in all this? And why didn’t he ask Wes what the real deal was? Oh that’s right. Danny’s an IDIOT.
While Danny and Melinda reached an impasse more critical and thought provoking than any discussion on Iraq could be, we then cut to a giant, talking bar of Dove soap. Oh wait, it was just Lacey without her makeup. That was scary. Let’s just get back to Danny and Melinda.
“I wish you wouldn’t be so standoffish,” Danny said to Melinda. Yes, I hate it when she’s standoffish. Kind of reminds me of that time when Danny moped through the house and said “If she wants to talk to me about something, she can come and talk to me about it.” Oh wait, that was two minutes ago. But seriously, Melinda should really stop being so standoffish.
Somehow, in the midst of this idiotic drama, Danny decided to paint himself as the hero as he told Melinda that he could have gone out and made out with a bunch of different girls because he was so angry. But he didn’t! Well, bravo for having some sort of basic moral fiber! That’s like saying “I could have killed that guy, but I didn’t because I’m just such a good person.” Nevertheless, Melinda reaffirmed her devotion, saying that she cares more about Danny than any guy she’s ever met. Yeah, it’s been a pretty solid two weeks for her.
Eventually though, this Ingmar Bergman-esque human drama came to a close as Mel said, “I don’t want to screw you. I mean, I want to screw you…” Ah, so eloquent. True love may conquer all, but so does a horny slut in hot pants.
What do you think? Do we like when reality stars talk politics? And are Melinda and Danny the most ridiculous Real World couple ever?