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Saturday, July 30, 2005
5:45 pm
43 Comments
Man, TV doesn’t get more gripping than this. On this week’s edition of The Real World: Austin, young lovers Danny and Melinda had to deal with the unthinkable: going out to bars…SEPARATELY! Yes, that’s right! From the show that brought you unflinching portrayals of abortion, rape, AIDS, suicide, homophobia, racism, classism, cutting, and eating disorders comes the next great American social issue: can two attractive people stay faithful to each other during a three hour separation? I just don’t know the answer to that. I guess we’ll have to watch!The show began with everyone heading off to The Dizzy Rooster (which is not to be confused with The Poorly Balanced Cock). It was business as usual for the kiddos: girls dancing like sluts, Wes thinking he’s awesome, and Lacey recoiling from a potent libation. At home though, Danny showered somberly with that forever-drowsy look on his face. He lamented not being able to “pahty” (or pronounce r’s), but luckily for him, his Wisconsin hottie of a NotGirlfriend was en route. Yes, Melinda left The Dizzy Rooster early so that she could get some quality time with her man, and before we knew it, the horny girl was already in the shower too. “It’s like puppy love!” she told us in an interview. Yes, puppy love. Except with very slutty puppies.
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Everyone gets action in Austin!
Unfortunately for the puppies, no sooner had they began porking in the shower than the whole gang returned too, totally ruining the moment. Wes, in a move that served as the very definition of cockblock, went so far as to climb into the shower with Danny and Mel. “Why are you in the shower?” asked an annoyed Danny. Wes then replied, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a straight guy getting in a shower with another straight guy. Oh, you got a soap sud on your wiener. I’ll just wipe that off. Ow! Why’d you hit me?”
Actually, Wes didn’t say that (although, I’m sure he fantasized about the wiener thing). Later, Danny and Melinda sat in bed (as usual) and discussed some pressing matters: mainly, what happens if Danny goes out, gets drunk, and then sees another girl who he wants to make out with. “Why don’t we cross that problem if we come to it,” answered a metaphor-skewering Danny. Okay, I’m not going to be a bastard and correct each and every little misspoken word. I’m sure I have better things to do…like play BRIDGE. Or get a dental BRIDGE. Or maybe I’ll just take a drive over a BRIDGE, you know, WHEN I come to one.
Anyway, the two lovebirds continued their Very Serious Discussion, but when Melinda proved to be too needy, Danny excused himself to get more ice. “Are you gonna come baaayack?” asked Mel. Danny merely shrugged in response. Uh oh. Time for an extra dose of Wisconsin love! “Don’t be mayad ayat me!” Melinda insisted, adding, “Go Payackers!”
As stimulating as this discourse was, the show took a much welcomed break to visit the University of Texas campus. For those of you who may have forgotten, the roommates have been allegedly working on a documentary, and now it was time to check in with their advisor, Paul Steckler, or ‘Steck,’ as we’ve been advised to call him. Lacey told us something about how excited she was to work on the film, and Wes mumbled about how using the camera is fun, and blah blah blah, the next thing we knew, we were watching a little dog twirling around in circles. Appropriate imagery, I guess.
With a fresh paycheck in their pockets and some grub in their bellies, it was back to gossip-as-usual as everyone weighed in on the Melinda/Danny non-situation. Lacey and Johanna gabbed about how Danny freaks out whenever anyone calls Melinda his girlfriend (yeah, what would ever give them that idea?), while the guys, meanwhile, took a more analytical approach to the dilemma. I mean, what if Danny passes up Mel — the sure thing — for something that may be better or may just leave him with bubkiss? “It’s a Catch-22,” said Danny. Actually, no, it’s not. It’s called a — never mind. I’m trying to be friendlier. Not gonna nitpick. By the way, you know what my favorite company is? Proctor and GAMBLE.
Anyway, with Danny worrying about which course of action to take, master of logic Wes piped up with his official recommendation: “Well, as your friend, then I say dump her and go f*ck as many girls as you can.” Ah, spoken like a true poseur. I shouldn’t make fun though. Wes has been banging lots of girls. Well, they’re not so much “girls” as they are “his hands.” But still. His sex life is very active.
Well, luckily for Danny and Melinda, it seemed as though they had yet to “cross their problem” because our battered Boston boy still wanted to stay in. “Danny doesn’t want to go out in public because of his eye,” Johanna explained. “I think he still feels very ugly.” Oh the horror! His eye is very slightly swollen! TURN AWAY!!!
Nevertheless, Danny stayed in, and while Melinda partied it up on the dance floor, he soaked his sorrows away in the hot tub where he downed a Coors Light. Well, actually, five Coors Lights. No, no, we’re up to nine now. Yes, nine Coors Lights ALONE. Paging Betty Ford. Your son is on The Real World.
What if Danny threw a party and nobody came? Yeah, it’s called Tuesday.
The next day, Danny and Melinda headed to Dr. Shepler’s office to get his stitches removed. A few close-ups and cringes later, Danny was ready to face the world, though he still slapped on some sunglasses right there in the office. Yes, hide your scars before the doctor. I’m sure he’s never seen anything like them before. Melinda, meanwhile, asked one of the more innuendo-laden questions probably to ever surface in Dr. Shepler’s office. “He can start exercising again if he wants to?” she asked, adding, “Can he exercise doggie style? Because I really like that.”
Later, the guys prepared for Danny’s triumphant return to Austin nightlife by picking out cheerleaders they wanted to hang out with. You see, Wes had met a cheerleader the night before, and perhaps in her solitary desire to be seen on MTV, she told him that she’d bring her gal pals out for a night on the town. All Wes had to do was look at the team photo online and pick who seemed worthy of camera time. Actually, the cheerleader probably just said, “Hey, there’s a pic of me and my friends online. We should all hang out,” but that doesn’t make Wes sound like the alpha-male he so wishes he could be. Anyway, the guys called back with their list of approved cheerleaders, to which the girl responded, “You guys are getting ridiculous.” She then added, “Tee-hee! But I’m going to be on TV! Tee-hee!”
While the guys prepared for what would surely be a lame evening (Wes was spearheading it, let’s not forget), the women dressed up for a girl’s night out. Everyone looked hot or, well, as hot as they could be (cough, Rachel, cough, Lacey) and headed off to a martini bar. Danny instantly regretted not staying in with Melinda, but luckily Wes was there for more asinine advice. The only reason why Melinda wore such a sexy dress, he explained, was to make Danny jealous. “Girls are sneaky bitches,” he concluded, adding, “That’s why I enjoy the company of men. Tell me, Danny, do you enjoy wrestling? Naked?”
Hey Lacey, how about you ease up on the slutty outfits, mmkay?
Well, while the girls enjoyed a fancy dinner (probably at Cheesecake Factory instead of Applebees), Danny got wasted out at the bars and soon found himself in the clutches of a low-rent, buck-toothed Heidi Fleiss-ish coed. She tried so desperately to make out with him, but the kid stayed strong and wound up shuffling out of the bar with his pants sagging and his words slurring. Back at the house, Melinda doubted that Danny would be loyal and made a bet with Rachel that he was going to come back with another girl. Rachel insisted that if Danny were to do such a thing, she would beat him up (by the way, did she mention that she was in the army? Because she was). Melinda’s proposed retaliation, however, was much more interesting: “If he has a girl with him, I’m going back to the bars and f*cking every guy I see.” She then added, “Well, I might do that anyway, but whatever.”
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Danny’s new friend and Donkey from Shrek.
Eventually, Danny returned to the domicile and promptly made his way to the bathroom where he spent a good amount of time throwing up. The next morning, we saw him hung over and showering, with heavy eyelids. The roommates snickered in interviews that he was so hung over, but I’m pretty sure Danny looks like that all the time. Anyway, that morning, the group had to hop in cabs and meet with the organizers of South By Southwest (oh yeah, the documentary B-story. Forgot about that!). “If you see me getting ready to talk, like I think I have something intelligent to say, just stop me,” Danny said to his roommates. Well, the key word in that sentence is “intelligent” but whatever. We’ll cross that problem if we come to it.
As the episode drew to a close, Melinda found herself going nuts over an impending Valentine’s Day date with Danny. “I’ve never really gone on a Valentine’s Day date,” she admitted. Yeah, it’s been more like Valentine’s Day sex, I guess. Anyway, her hopes of a Valentine’s Day date quickly faded when Danny noted that he had made out with a girl. “That’s good,” replied Mel. “So about that date tonight? I can’t make it I, uh, have to wash my hair.” Oh SNAP! Up high, Melinda. Now down low. Back of the hands. Fist bump. That was a solid zing!
But never fear. Danny soon crawled into bed with Melinda (Danny? In bed? Why, I never!) and said that he was just joking about the girl. Oh, uh, okay. That’s all right, because apparently Melinda was only kidding too. Aww… Valentine’s Day perseveres!
What did you think about this episode?
43 Comments
melinda’s skanky ass out partying, nsfw!
http://www.livejournal.com/community/ohnotheydidnt/2903148.html#cutid1
i thought it was hilarious when lacey came out in her “Gramma goes to church” outfit and the guys gave her a pity whistle.
oh man danny’s friend has the biggest choppers on the planet
First off, I think Melinda Is R.e.t.a.r.t.e.d.
“o yeah about the date i have To wash My hair”
What a Dumb Monkey. That Just goes to Show You that She either has a disease And Wants to spread it to every guy She meets Just to feel a Less Bad about her self about Banging Her uncle,
Or She is just a sex Hound best comparable as The “female” version of Quagmire ( family Guy).
[paraphrasing] “so danny asked me out on a date for valentine’s day and it’s like… how am i supposed to REACT to that?”
i cringed when melinda said that.
btw – nice link, linda!
omg…those pics of melinda were some i could have gone the rest of my life without seeing. it was like tara reid in the making, and that’s never good & i’ve been hearing that her and danny are still together. come on danny!! don’t be retahded!
Well Lacey looked H_O_T in that funeral getup. And Wes posed again as a sexy ladykiller. Oh wait, maybe it was just a lady. Eh, anyway… :p
With Melinda, I think it’s really kinda sad that she didn’t seem to know how to deal with a Valentine’s Day date. It was like she thought she wasn’t worth it, or wouldn’t know how to act in such a romantic (as opposed to debaucherous) atmosphere. And maybe she wouldn’t, which is even more sad.
As far as that exchange between she and Danny, that was just silly. “I have to wash my hair.”
I was about to give her props; but then he says he’s just kidding… and she plays it off? “I was too”??
Um, well I think maybe he WAS just kidding, but still… give the boy a little more grief than that! I would. :p heh. Oh well…
Worst. Real World. Ever.
Hey that was a great episode!
YYAAWWNN!!!
Great for putting me to sleep. I think I’m gonna just stick with the TVGasm recaps from now on then decide whether I wanna watch the actual episodes.
Lacey was hot.
HA!!!!
omg… Lacey & Rachel… really hard to look at.
hey Lacey, me thinks mtv offers dental insurance in its contract, ahem.
Rachel… very Monica Lewinsky meets Fat Army Brat on Jenny Craig. Nice, MTV. Really Nice.
Yeah, how did they cast this season? The first ten callers?
Just wanted to say “NEHEMIAH” because no one has mentioned his name here yet(and he needs some air time too so he can show up for the next “Challenge/Inferno”).
[quote]First off, I think Melinda Is R.e.t.a.r.t.e.d.[/quote]
Oh, the irony. That right there is giving B-Side a run for his money in the laughs department.
i think this real world sucks too cuz they all get along too well. last season was A LOT better.
This Real World Episode is making me turn in my grave!!! Danny is a moron and Melinda is a slut.
Where do you get the pictures you use in your tvgasm articles?
Whenever Iw atch this show I try and think if I was ever this reatrded when I was back in College. Since I’m smart, I have to answer no. I mean, I was a raging slut and everything, but I wasn’t nearly as annoying as these people.
Did anyone else enjpy Danny pressing up agaisnt the shower stall after he got cockblocked in order to hide his raging hard on? Well, I didnt “enjoy” it like that. I’m not Wes.
THat Lacey is tough to watch. She is so damn Fugly. That outfit made her look like some evil transgendered Replicant from the future. Who knows, maybe Danny is one day destined to rise from the ashes of a post apocolyptic America and start the rebellion against the cyborgs, and Lacey has been sent her to kill him before it can happen. But seeing as Danny can’t even grasp the concept of a metaphor, I doubt it.
Once again that picture of the Shrek donkey made me laugh out loud since that was the exact thing I thought of when I saw it. But you forgot my favorite part, her come on line. “You are like, really cute. Like, SERIOUSLY.” MAn that takes me back….
And then after he pecks her on the cheek; “Can I have a kiss on the mouth?” Damn I didnt know there was a mouth in there, it just looked like a bunch of cinderblocks.
Wes creeps me out because his hair and his skin are the exact same color, so he kind of looks like a washed out photograph.
Did anyone notice the music change when Lacey walked out in her “slutty” outfit? It was all “Va-va-voom” for all the other girls, and then when she walked out the music took a dramatically depressing turn. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. For a second.
Did anyone notice how much the cheerleaders “enjoyed” their screentime with Wes? It was pretty quick, but you could clearly see a “why do I have to put up with this one to get on TV” look on the girls faces as he was walking with one under each arm. He thought he was hot shit…and they definitely thought he was a tool. Has anyone ever talked about “hooking up” as much as he does…and yet we NEVER even see him at least kissing someone…much less introducing them to the appropriately named little Wes? Unless of course you count his make out session with Melinda.
What’s fascinating about Wes is how powerful his anti-charisma and anti-sex appeal are. Yet, he’s not so repellent as to be interesting. He’s merely bland and offputting.
Wes = John Kerry + Michael Dukakis + Edgar and Johnny Winter, then shake vigorously.
Abe should sue Wes for defamation of character. You know in five years we’re all going to think they were the same wack person.
Leah3T-
I was flipping through the channels and thought Wes was Abe. Yuck.
I think that Danny is a total hottie!!
Do you agree ladies?
I think hes and i heard he has the perfect size cock!!
Yea he is a total cutie and i love his voice i felt so bad when he got hurt. I hope he has a big $%^& u kno wut i mean!!
My favorite part of the episode was when Danny was sitting in the hottub by his lonesome pouring beer all over himself while crying piteously. I started laughing so hard that, I, in turn, began to feel tears running down my cheeks. That moment was closely followed by Rachel getting ice cream in the mail. If my boyfriend did that, I would surely reprimend him and make him feel like the dumbass that he so obviously would have to be. I would not, however, commend him for such a thoughtless act. I mean, nice, MAYBE, but he clearly didn’t put too much thought into it. Kudos to the Real World, and Kudos to the writer of this hysterical blog.
All in all, this RW season is nothing new.. we’ve got the main character, Danny- a.k.a a white, semi- good looking guy who’s dealing with “finding himself” and, in the process, learns some really valuable lessons and, as a result of his experience, grows as a person. or some shit like that.
we’ve got the slutty, a-little-better-than-average-looking girl, Melinda- basically, she’s the “hot” girl to all of the other guys.. not because she’s actually THAT hot, but because of two alternative reasons:
1) she’s almost ALWAYS taking off her clothes (apparently guys love that, I don’t see why..really.can someone please enlighten me? what is it about a naked girl that turns men on? seriously.)
and, 2) because they’ve SEEN their other roommates (ahem, rachel. ahem, lacey)
There’s the frat boy, wes– he’ll later discover alot about himself sexually, and will probably, at the reunion, show up with his ears pierced, and will be wearing a rhinestone belt. not that there’s anything wrong with that.
There’s the insigthful black guy who should get WAY more airtime because he’s the best character, nehimiah–he’ll teach the roommates about gaining peace with their souls and learning to forgive, forget and walk away from problematic situations. unless that situation is rachel’s “iraq service”–that bitch had it coming to her.
there’s the social and apparently fashion outcast, lacy; and hell, just to make herself a little more of an outsider in this sexually-charged house, she’s a VIRGIN– that girl/ghost will cause alot of trouble..you just can’t trust her beady eyes and pasty white skin. oh yeah, and she’s also the girl that the guys decided that, no matter HOW drunk they got, they’d NEVER hit that.
there’s the nasily, annoying, gung-ho girl, Rachel– first, she constantly bitches and moans about how nobody is as efficient in austin as they were in the army. then she goes and moans about how she’s met NO austin guys, yet there were so many guys in the army ready to jump on it. hmm..maybe it’s because they had one of two choices: you or another guy..and that “don’t ask don’t tell” policy is very strict. maybe we can ask wes (who will pronounce it ‘wessss’ later on, quote me) about that. frankly, if i were a guy and had to pick between rachel and another dude, i’d start looking for the hottest guy out there. or an average one. either would do.
and then there’s the fiesty latin, johana- hmm..what happened to her? we haven’t been seeing alot of her since she bitched at neihmiah. (cough,bitch).
yeah, she’s proud of her heritage, and she’ll let you know it thorugh her britney spears- esque “expressive” t-shirts. if you double-cross her, ,she may just “have to get latin on your ass”..oh wait, that’s from Big Brother.
loved the recap, b-side. you are quickly becoming my favorite TVGasm reporter. J-Unit bettah watch his back!
That last comment was proably the least insightful thing I’ve ever read.
1. Melinda is the best looking girl in the history of reality TV (IMO), dumb slut or not.
2. What is it about a naked girl that turns guys on? um, maybe our evolutionary drive to procreate and the fact that when a girl is nude around you, it usually means she wants to have sex with you. At the very least it reminds you that you want to have sex with her. Geez, what a dumb question.
^hmm..josh..maybe you CAN’T understand sarcasm..obviously I know what guys like about nude girls..i WAS, after all, in college once. but, rather than bitch at someone who can’t understand a LIGHT-HEARTED JOKE, I’ll just say this: people have different opinions on what it means to be “hot” or beautiful, so don’t take offense if ONE person doesn’t find Melinda to be the “best-looking girl” on reality TV. get over yourself and ease up, for all of our sakes
You could make oatmeal sounds funny & interesting.
Josh capped realitytvsucks. No if, ands, or buts, about it. HaHa.
Melinda is playmate hot btw. To say she is not hot is absurd.
kelley- i know! i thought i would like him since i am shamefully attracted to abe, but after five minutes of wes i saw he was only a pale shadow of our RR ass kickin friend.
reality tv sucks– it’s “post a comment”, not “try your hand at writing a tvgasm aricle”.
Tell me you guys have seen this about Veronica and Rachel!!!
http://www.livejournal.com/community/ohnotheydidnt/2939155.html
Dammit iluvtivo!!! You just helped those hoes promote! By the way… is it hoes or hos or ho’s? I’m never sure.
Sorry bacardi! I just couldn’t believe there wasn’t a TVgasm post on this yet. I thought for sure they’d be having a field day with that one!
BTW bacardi, I prefer skanks. The plural form is much simpler.
Did anybody see Karamo from Philly on the 5th Wheel?
He was laying it down on chicks! WTF?
ok, i think, despite the fact that realitytvsucks’ post was way too long and i admit that i didn’t even read past the first line, we should give the guy/gal a break..anybody should be able to post what they want, even if their observations are long, boring, and tedious.personally, i don’t find melinda to be perticularly attractive, but everyone has different likes/dislikes..some don’t go for paris-hilton esque girls (blonde and skinny)..but that’s not the point.
i usually find tvgasm replies to be funny, and i really dont understand why fellow posters have to attack eachother for their comments. everyone is entitled to their opinions.
i saw the new episode…
luv nehemiah-mastercard thing was funny.
really really sad. i feel bad for danny his mom passes away, and he leaves real world and hes probably not coming back.
To #34, I think it might be “hoes” Ho’s would be possessive right? Damn you Rachel and Veronica!
Danny is very hot.
I like melinda and Johanna.
I think Wes is way to full of himself as is rachel
Nehemiah and Lacey are cool people too.
i personally think melinda is wayy overrated. id give her a 7/10 highest. shes busted w.out makeup but she can loook pretty. johanna is by far the prettiest girl except her flat nose. rachel isnt gross but not the best looking she needz to straighten her hair more ..i dont like lacey cos shes ugly, i dont like lacey cos she talks a lot of shit. wes is cool, nehemiah is cool but bugs me, n danny is a pansy. byee
i appreciate everyone’s opinions, but seriously, I think we need to leave these people alone.
Melinda first, because everyone seems to be ragging on her the most. Everyone is expecting her to be Florence Nightingale or something. She’s what, like, 22 years old and she’s never had any type of relationship with someone who treats her like Danny does. I mean, for god sakes, look at her ex. I think that because she doesn’t know any better, she’s just trying to be as supportive as possible and do what she knows to help Danny with whatever he needs. And I think she’s doing a very good job, I know if i were put into the situations that she is put in with comforting Danny, I would probably end up shying away, which is many people’s first instinct. I give her so much respect and I think that she has a good head on her shoulders…you have to remember that this is a very edited show…
As for Wes…he’s like every other guy in the world…what do you expect from him, or any guy, when there’s alcohol and hot girls everywhere.
Leave Lacey alone!! I really respect her for staying faithful to her bf. They clearly have a really good relationship, considering that basically everyone this season who had a bf/gf at home either broke it off or is on break. Life isn’t all about partying, even though it may make for good television.
OK, so Johanna may be wild sometimes, but when she’s sober, i think she’s a smart, and more together person than everyone takes her for.Who knows, maybe while she’s watching herself on TV she’ll think twice about a lot of things
Poor Danny, not only did he have all this stuff happen to him on RW, he has to deal with the crap that he gets from the people watching the show. I really think that people are expecting these ppl to be perfect, but everyone is flawed. I think Danny is a sweet, sensitive guy, but everyone has their wild side.
I think in Rachel’s case, maybe a lot of people in her life either condescended on her or didn’t believe in her when she went into the army, because she doesn’t look like the type of person you would see in Iraq, so she’s probably taken a lot of sh*t for it…so she’s just defending herself. And she (or Lacey) aren’t horribly ugly either…
I think that the roommates are lucky to have Nehemiah. With a lot of wisdom beyond his years, he has his head on straight and really is a great person to talk to and to have on your side.
I think a lot of us forget how real these people actually are…