Man, TV doesn’t get more gripping than this. On this week’s edition of The Real World: Austin, young lovers Danny and Melinda had to deal with the unthinkable: going out to bars…SEPARATELY! Yes, that’s right! From the show that brought you unflinching portrayals of abortion, rape, AIDS, suicide, homophobia, racism, classism, cutting, and eating disorders comes the next great American social issue: can two attractive people stay faithful to each other during a three hour separation? I just don’t know the answer to that. I guess we’ll have to watch!The show began with everyone heading off to The Dizzy Rooster (which is not to be confused with The Poorly Balanced Cock). It was business as usual for the kiddos: girls dancing like sluts, Wes thinking he’s awesome, and Lacey recoiling from a potent libation. At home though, Danny showered somberly with that forever-drowsy look on his face. He lamented not being able to “pahty” (or pronounce r’s), but luckily for him, his Wisconsin hottie of a NotGirlfriend was en route. Yes, Melinda left The Dizzy Rooster early so that she could get some quality time with her man, and before we knew it, the horny girl was already in the shower too. “It’s like puppy love!” she told us in an interview. Yes, puppy love. Except with very slutty puppies.
Everyone gets action in Austin!
Unfortunately for the puppies, no sooner had they began porking in the shower than the whole gang returned too, totally ruining the moment. Wes, in a move that served as the very definition of cockblock, went so far as to climb into the shower with Danny and Mel. “Why are you in the shower?” asked an annoyed Danny. Wes then replied, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a straight guy getting in a shower with another straight guy. Oh, you got a soap sud on your wiener. I’ll just wipe that off. Ow! Why’d you hit me?”
Actually, Wes didn’t say that (although, I’m sure he fantasized about the wiener thing). Later, Danny and Melinda sat in bed (as usual) and discussed some pressing matters: mainly, what happens if Danny goes out, gets drunk, and then sees another girl who he wants to make out with. “Why don’t we cross that problem if we come to it,” answered a metaphor-skewering Danny. Okay, I’m not going to be a bastard and correct each and every little misspoken word. I’m sure I have better things to do…like play BRIDGE. Or get a dental BRIDGE. Or maybe I’ll just take a drive over a BRIDGE, you know, WHEN I come to one.
Anyway, the two lovebirds continued their Very Serious Discussion, but when Melinda proved to be too needy, Danny excused himself to get more ice. “Are you gonna come baaayack?” asked Mel. Danny merely shrugged in response. Uh oh. Time for an extra dose of Wisconsin love! “Don’t be mayad ayat me!” Melinda insisted, adding, “Go Payackers!”
As stimulating as this discourse was, the show took a much welcomed break to visit the University of Texas campus. For those of you who may have forgotten, the roommates have been allegedly working on a documentary, and now it was time to check in with their advisor, Paul Steckler, or ‘Steck,’ as we’ve been advised to call him. Lacey told us something about how excited she was to work on the film, and Wes mumbled about how using the camera is fun, and blah blah blah, the next thing we knew, we were watching a little dog twirling around in circles. Appropriate imagery, I guess.
With a fresh paycheck in their pockets and some grub in their bellies, it was back to gossip-as-usual as everyone weighed in on the Melinda/Danny non-situation. Lacey and Johanna gabbed about how Danny freaks out whenever anyone calls Melinda his girlfriend (yeah, what would ever give them that idea?), while the guys, meanwhile, took a more analytical approach to the dilemma. I mean, what if Danny passes up Mel — the sure thing — for something that may be better or may just leave him with bubkiss? “It’s a Catch-22,” said Danny. Actually, no, it’s not. It’s called a — never mind. I’m trying to be friendlier. Not gonna nitpick. By the way, you know what my favorite company is? Proctor and GAMBLE.
Anyway, with Danny worrying about which course of action to take, master of logic Wes piped up with his official recommendation: “Well, as your friend, then I say dump her and go f*ck as many girls as you can.” Ah, spoken like a true poseur. I shouldn’t make fun though. Wes has been banging lots of girls. Well, they’re not so much “girls” as they are “his hands.” But still. His sex life is very active.
Well, luckily for Danny and Melinda, it seemed as though they had yet to “cross their problem” because our battered Boston boy still wanted to stay in. “Danny doesn’t want to go out in public because of his eye,” Johanna explained. “I think he still feels very ugly.” Oh the horror! His eye is very slightly swollen! TURN AWAY!!!
Nevertheless, Danny stayed in, and while Melinda partied it up on the dance floor, he soaked his sorrows away in the hot tub where he downed a Coors Light. Well, actually, five Coors Lights. No, no, we’re up to nine now. Yes, nine Coors Lights ALONE. Paging Betty Ford. Your son is on The Real World.
What if Danny threw a party and nobody came? Yeah, it’s called Tuesday.
The next day, Danny and Melinda headed to Dr. Shepler’s office to get his stitches removed. A few close-ups and cringes later, Danny was ready to face the world, though he still slapped on some sunglasses right there in the office. Yes, hide your scars before the doctor. I’m sure he’s never seen anything like them before. Melinda, meanwhile, asked one of the more innuendo-laden questions probably to ever surface in Dr. Shepler’s office. “He can start exercising again if he wants to?” she asked, adding, “Can he exercise doggie style? Because I really like that.”
Later, the guys prepared for Danny’s triumphant return to Austin nightlife by picking out cheerleaders they wanted to hang out with. You see, Wes had met a cheerleader the night before, and perhaps in her solitary desire to be seen on MTV, she told him that she’d bring her gal pals out for a night on the town. All Wes had to do was look at the team photo online and pick who seemed worthy of camera time. Actually, the cheerleader probably just said, “Hey, there’s a pic of me and my friends online. We should all hang out,” but that doesn’t make Wes sound like the alpha-male he so wishes he could be. Anyway, the guys called back with their list of approved cheerleaders, to which the girl responded, “You guys are getting ridiculous.” She then added, “Tee-hee! But I’m going to be on TV! Tee-hee!”
While the guys prepared for what would surely be a lame evening (Wes was spearheading it, let’s not forget), the women dressed up for a girl’s night out. Everyone looked hot or, well, as hot as they could be (cough, Rachel, cough, Lacey) and headed off to a martini bar. Danny instantly regretted not staying in with Melinda, but luckily Wes was there for more asinine advice. The only reason why Melinda wore such a sexy dress, he explained, was to make Danny jealous. “Girls are sneaky bitches,” he concluded, adding, “That’s why I enjoy the company of men. Tell me, Danny, do you enjoy wrestling? Naked?”
Hey Lacey, how about you ease up on the slutty outfits, mmkay?
Well, while the girls enjoyed a fancy dinner (probably at Cheesecake Factory instead of Applebees), Danny got wasted out at the bars and soon found himself in the clutches of a low-rent, buck-toothed Heidi Fleiss-ish coed. She tried so desperately to make out with him, but the kid stayed strong and wound up shuffling out of the bar with his pants sagging and his words slurring. Back at the house, Melinda doubted that Danny would be loyal and made a bet with Rachel that he was going to come back with another girl. Rachel insisted that if Danny were to do such a thing, she would beat him up (by the way, did she mention that she was in the army? Because she was). Melinda’s proposed retaliation, however, was much more interesting: “If he has a girl with him, I’m going back to the bars and f*cking every guy I see.” She then added, “Well, I might do that anyway, but whatever.”
Danny’s new friend and Donkey from Shrek.
Eventually, Danny returned to the domicile and promptly made his way to the bathroom where he spent a good amount of time throwing up. The next morning, we saw him hung over and showering, with heavy eyelids. The roommates snickered in interviews that he was so hung over, but I’m pretty sure Danny looks like that all the time. Anyway, that morning, the group had to hop in cabs and meet with the organizers of South By Southwest (oh yeah, the documentary B-story. Forgot about that!). “If you see me getting ready to talk, like I think I have something intelligent to say, just stop me,” Danny said to his roommates. Well, the key word in that sentence is “intelligent” but whatever. We’ll cross that problem if we come to it.
As the episode drew to a close, Melinda found herself going nuts over an impending Valentine’s Day date with Danny. “I’ve never really gone on a Valentine’s Day date,” she admitted. Yeah, it’s been more like Valentine’s Day sex, I guess. Anyway, her hopes of a Valentine’s Day date quickly faded when Danny noted that he had made out with a girl. “That’s good,” replied Mel. “So about that date tonight? I can’t make it I, uh, have to wash my hair.” Oh SNAP! Up high, Melinda. Now down low. Back of the hands. Fist bump. That was a solid zing!
But never fear. Danny soon crawled into bed with Melinda (Danny? In bed? Why, I never!) and said that he was just joking about the girl. Oh, uh, okay. That’s all right, because apparently Melinda was only kidding too. Aww… Valentine’s Day perseveres!
What did you think about this episode?