Real World: Panda Love

Well Gasmii, it appears we are heading into the home stretch of this season. Try to contain your excitement. And by “excitement,” I mean “sighs of relief.”

Previously: Cliche fulfilled her dream of singing one of her emo songs in front of a crowd bigger than the one at open-mic night. After that, though, MTV didn’t hand her any more opportunities and she got all sad and disappointed. Pandrew attempted to be a player, but allegedly just wanted to settle down.

We open with Pandrew bringing a girl home. He explains to us that he usually makes out with a girl before bringing her home to spoon, but this time he brought her home first. I guess we’re supposed to assume that he might just be that into her, and that she is no common slut from the bar like Chelsea and that other girl.

He gives her a tour of the house as they both giggle like schoolgirls. Hey, maybe she IS from the local high school after all! Anyway, his standard tour is usually a half-circle that ends in his bedroom, but he finds this girl intimidating so he has to give her the full tour. They even do a joint confessional! It’s love, y’all. Apparently they have the same initials, which Pandrew equates to Cinderella and her glass slipper. O…k? Far be it from me to understand the analogies of a Real Worlder.

She ends up leaving after that (awww, poor Pandrew didn’t even get any of his patented spooning!), but not before they partake in this season’s official mating ritual of exchanging emails. They kiss goodbye and Pandrew is in quite the good mood when he heads back into the house. Odrama’s on Information Patrol as usual, and asks if “we” like her. Her excessive involvement in everyone else’s lives as a substitute for having her own is so… well, “creepy” is the only word coming to mind. Pandrew says she tastes like Juicy Fruit, and Odrama says she has “big ol’ boobies.”

Odrama asks if “we” are going to see her again, and Pandrew says he wants to marry her and stand with her on a mountain… bathe with her in the sea… oops, sorry, had a little Savage Garden nostalgia moment there.

Our latest product placement comes in the form of tickets to the DC United (soccer) game. You can tell they need it because at least 90% of the seats around the roomies are empty.

And wouldn’t you know it, Cliche is not having fun. Seriously, this girl is where fun goes to die. Has she had fun once this season? Something tells me this was not part of DC United’s contract with MTV.

Cliche tells us that she doesn’t want to sing songs she doesn’t know or cheer for a team she doesn’t know, etc. Well, of course not. To do those things you would need some tiny semblance of joy or happiness. She confessionals that the roommates don’t know how far out of her comfort zone she is on a daily basis in the house. I’m sure it’s just you, dear. They’ve all got Oval Offices and Love Sacks and NO COUCHES back home.

At lunch with Callie, Cliche says that the best part of her day is when they’re all joking around or she’s sleeping. Well, sleep and joking around are awesome, so I don’t see what’s so terrible about that. But what she’s really trying to say is that no one can ever get over depression. She is glad to have one real friend in the house in Callie.

Back at the house, Cliche is hard at work on her latest Vanessa Carlton knockoff. Pandrew’s also there drawing his latest offensive cartoons, which I hope he manages to hide before his latest lady love comes over. Then Cliche’s self-pity over having to teach herself piano surfaces. My God! These hardships she faces! I don’t know how she gets up in the morning!

Pandrew showers in preparation for his date with Andrea while Odrama just hangs around watching him shower.

She asks Pandrew if this girl likes him for him, to which he says “Probably not.” So confident, this one. Oh, wait, apparently all he’s good for is multiple orgasms. His ability to be under and overconfident in a matter of seconds is astounding.

Pandrew continues to get ready and proceeds to spray female perfume on himself. Emily freaks out on him. She doesn’t understand how he thinks he’s going to get any while wearing girl perfume. They fist bump for luck. I kind of enjoy their friendship.

Pandrea shows up and they head out on their date, which includes cuddling in the cab on the way to dinner. Is that normal? I don’t know why I even ask anymore. Either way, this date seems to go much better than his last one with that bar wench. Pandrew even says in the middle of the date that it’s going well, in between makeout sessions at the table.

Back at the house, the Panda lovers canoodle in the hot tub and discuss relationships. Pandrew says that he’s not “Mr. Relationship,” but Pandrea, as it turns out, is “Ms. Relationship.” Her longest relationship was 4 years, which is almost 4 years longer than his. Apparently she’s been married before! That would be a red flag for me, but Pandrew’s not too big on the warning signs. She says it was a courthouse marriage, and that she just wanted to be loved and she “thought he was it, but he wasn’t.” But she’s glad she “realized it, and was strong enough to walk away.” I don’t watch The Bachelor, but something tells me she’s much better suited for that “reality” show than this one. All Pandrew can muster is “Ummm… Oprah would be proud.” HA!

They move their Serious Talk to Pandrew’s bed, where he asks about being in love and tells her he never has. Then they get it on while we cut to a shot of the lovely full moon.

The next morning, she get ready to leave while Pandrew is having trouble finding the words to describe his night. He tells us that he likes her a lot, and slowly realizes that she knew what she was doing, since she brought an overnight back with a change of clothes and a toothbrush. Someone knows how to minimize her walk of shame. But seriously, good for our little panda, I’m happy for him.

Pandrew’s worried about getting heartbroken, but Emily wants to know if he’s getting tamed. Ty suggest he find a new girl within a week to protect himself. Someone’s still feeling a little bit of the rejection sting, methinks. Pandrew opines that Aristotle once said even women don’t trust women. That because all females are fake bitches. I mean, Girl Power! He thinks he should break it off, which Ty supports but all of the girls are against.

And THEN! Pandrew tells us that his mom cheated on his dad! It’s only the tiniest peek into his secret pain, but it’s better than nothing so I’ll take it! And it certainly does give some explanation of his difficulty trusting girls. Plus, we’ve probably all gotten the “desperate” and “clingy” vibe from him, which I’m sure also contributes. Anyway, he tells us that his mom is the best mom in the world, but not a good wife.

Callie, Odrama, and Cliche get ready for a night out at a “bar/lounge/restaurant/bookstore/music performance venue,” where Cliche hopes to find more people like her. I’m telling you, just go to Hot Topic. Although I suppose Open Mic Night is the next best option. Of course, now that Cliche has found “people like her,” she is jealous because they are more “successful” than she is. One of the girls who performed comes over to talk to them while Cliche tells us that she is trying to be unique. I don’t think you’re supposed to try at that.

Pandrew is feeling under the weather, and Mother Hen Emily is tending to him. You can tell he’s really sick and/or really likes Pandrea because he’s not trying to get fresh with her.

Luckily, Pandrea arrives with a care package to give him a little TLC.

Now we get to hear Cliche tell her boyfriend Ian that she has to call him earlier than usual the next day because she has a phone interview for an actual paid job with NPR. Hey, how come he never came to visit? Douche’s girlfriend came TWICE and he still dumped her. So I guess coming to visit doesn’t exactly save relationships. Never mind.

She’s very excited about the possibility of working in music. Aren’t they leaving soon? I guess we have no proof of where they are in the season at this point, but still. She tells us that in this day and age, no one (except MTV) is going to make anything happen, and you have make things happen for yourself. But if every little thing you try doesn’t work out, by all means please whine about it.

She asks the roomies to stay off the phone so the woman can get through, which you know is going to cause drama or they wouldn’t have shown it. And she tells us how much more experience she has than people her age since she’s done 3 internships.

Pandrea paints Pandrew’s nails black and tells him it’s permanent marker, so they’re going to be like that permanently. He says it’s “black like my soul.” I bet if Cliche saw a guy with nails painted black, she’d suddenly feel totally in her comfort zone! Then he calls Pandrea his girlfriend, and Odrama’s spidey sense gets all tingly:

She thinks the Panda lovers are adorable, and she loves how they treat each other. They do seem to like each other, but honestly can someone get Odrama laid? Her obsession with everyone else’s lives is unhealthy.

Odrama tells Emily about the “girlfriend” slip, and Emily plays Captain Obvious and tells us that Pandrew is whipped. The Panda lovers start Getting it On in Pandrew’s bed again when Emily walks in. Shouldn’t there be some kind of sock on the door or something? Anyway, needless to say, Emily would like to scrub her brain after that.

Cliche is freaking out because her phone interview is scheduled in a few minutes and Mike is talking to his loverboy in Colorado. Mike tells Tanner to check his emails more because they have to schedule phone times and “one of the girls” (Cliche) is on it a lot. She writes a strongly worded note and throws it into the phone room at him. Mike takes the hint and ends the call, and they say they love each other before they hang up! Wait a minute, wasn’t Tanner supposed to visit? If I find out MTV couldn’t cut 2 minutes of Cliche whining or Douche douching in order to show us this guy who is preventing hottie Eric from being on the show, I’ll be PISSED!

They fight for a bit, and Odrama tells us that Erika’s spoiled and uses the phone a lot but gets mad when someone else is on it. The phone rings and we hear Mike say “Thank you, Jesus!” LOL.

The Panda lovers are out wandering the streets at night and Pandrew tells us that he’s been described as “clingy” and “obsessive.” Then he half-jokes with Pandrea about getting an apartment together, which seems to just confuse her. Awww, she even knows his awkward laugh that he does when he doesn’t want to talk about serious stuff.

In the hot tub, she tells him not to make those jokes anymore, and he tells us that he can’t tell if she’s really that genuine or really good at lying. Pandrew leaves to go shower and Pandrea tells Douche that she’s falling for him, but she can’t handle not knowing when he’s serious. She also thinks he’s too guarded.

The Panda lovers are in bed and she tells him not to let fear hold him back because he’ll miss out. He confessionals that he’s not convinced she’s sincere. I feel like I’m watching 90210 or something.

Callie goes to take some pictures of a swimmer for “Out” magazine. Cliche is happy for, but more jealous of, her friend. She’s excited about the possibility of working for NPR. Back at the house, she gets an email from the NPR lady canceling some appointment. She cries and tells us that she’s bummed because she thought she would finally have a chance to use the degree that she worked so hard for in college. She tells her roomies that she could have added so much to their team. Then she says she just wants to get out of the house sometimes and “do something productive.” Is someone stopping her?

She calls her mom, who tells her to move on to Plan B. Of course, she doesn’t have one. Her mom says there’s nothing she can do about it, and she’s “bummed” she has to start from square one again. “Bum” really is her favorite word, which I guess shouldn’t be surprising from the Queen of Emo.

The next day, Odrama tells Pandrew about the conversation in which he called Pandrea his girlfriend. They do finally give him the nail polish remover though. He confessionals that any guy who had a girlfriend has betrayed the “race” of men. Then he says removing nail polish is fun, because that’s not a betrayal to manhood at all.

Pandrea calls to tell Pandrew that she has to have a night out with her girl friends tonight because she’s been neglecting them. She says she’ll come over after, and that they can tell she’s really into him.

The guys go out for the night, and Douche is “making progress” with a girl, but poor wingman Pandrew gets stuck with what he calls a Debbie Downer. Apparently her anxiety causes her to wear her sunglasses at night because she also wants to bring back the 80′s.

Back at the house, Pandrew gives Debbie Downer a tour, and they’re sitting in the confessional when Pandrea gets there. She sees them and is not happy, so she runs back up the stairs saying “Oh, what the fuck ever.” Indeed.

Debbie Downer tells Pandrew that if that’s his girlfriend, he has no standards. Apparently, she’s not pretty because “she looks like everyone else” and is “not exotic at all.”

Anyway, DD is spouting insecurities and desperation like there’s no tomorrow, which is tough for Pandrew because, as he tells us, he loves girls with problems. DD keeps telling Pandrew how ugly Pandrea is. Listen, regardless of whether I think she’s sketchy, Pandrea is not ugly. And DD has no business calling other people ugly.

Mike tries to get Pandrea to go downstairs with him, but she’s having none of that nonsense so Mike goes down himself. Poor Pandrew has the new experience of turning down a desperate girl, which is weird and wrong for him. Mike sends Pandrew up to Pandrea.

Anyway, Pandrea isn’t too happy about the situation and, unsurprisingly, Odrama is sitting in on this couple conversation in her jammies and sleep mask with a snack. Pandrew claims he can explain everything, but Pandrea would prefer that he not do anything that he would have to try to explain. He does appreciate that she is a good communicator though, and demonstrates this by motorboating her. Then they cuddle in the Love Sacks and decide they are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Callie shows the roommates her pictures of the swimmer, which have made it into the newspaper. This leads to Cliche telling us that she thinks she “deserves more than” what she’s “been afforded.” Yes, we’ve seen you work so hard for nothing. Apparently it’s frustrating to be such a passionate musician and not know if you’re going to get your big break. Groundbreaking revelation, thank you.

She confessionals about being unhappy and missing her friends and blah, blah, blah. She decides she’s going home, again. Callie’s a little hurt because she feels like her friend is abandoning her. Callie calls her out on saying she’s not a quitter.

Callie and Emily are in the bathroom getting ready, and Callie says that DC is not her ideal city either, but she realizes how lucky they are. Emily nonchalantly tells her not to even try anymore. HA! I knew I liked Emily. She says Cliche just runs away from conflict.

Then Callie sits Cliche down for an awesome lecture. She says that Cliche wants to do something with music, but she has to “look for it, and not just dwell on the bad.” Cliche says she hasn’t tried because the one time she did reach out, and Callie awesomely shuts her down right there. Also, Emily and Odrama are eavesdropping and making awesome faces.

Emily doesn’t understand how she can take this for granted and complain in an amazing situation. Odrama asks if she’s thinking the word “spoiled” right now, which Emily is. Odrama toasts her victory with a Sun Chip.

Callie tells Cliche that tomorrow she’s going to take pictures at a gay biker rally. Haha, will we get any footage of that? She says it’s not her ideal job, but maybe it will lead to something she’s interested in. She says she has yet to take a picture of something she wants to take a picture of. Erika says that thought is discouraging, and Callie’s like GET OVER IT. Erika says she doesn’t have a thick skin, and Callie tells her it’s time to get one. Man, I love Callie right now. Callie says instead of discussing the problem, they should find a solution. She says if Cliche leaves, it will be an insult to their friendship, which Cliche apparently didn’t realize, although I’m sure that’s exactly what she wanted to hear. She says if it wasn’t for Callie, she would have left already, but she’s going to start looking on the bright side.

“I’m seriously, like, the biggest baby. Ever,” Cliche understates. Apparently she lets things get to her too much, which may have contributed to her depression. You don’t say?

Cliche is in the phone room while Callie tells Odrama and Emily that she’s done trying, and she’s said everything she had to say. Seriously, Callie. You are way too sane to waste any more of your time on this.

Next time: Pandrew goes to the White House, and we get our first Obama sighting! Callie yells at Erika some more! Erika leaves, again, hopefully for real this time!