Previously on The Real World: Douche made our ears bleed and cheated on his girlfriend. Pandrew was continuously unable to get past spooning. Ebony and Ivory just couldn’t seem to live in harmony.
This week, MTV would like to teach us about morals:
… can get you laid even if you’re wearing a panda hat.
… means never having to dump a girl on the phone so you can go have sex with the girl you just brought home.
… does not generally involved throwing people over balconies.
Emily and Ty are wrestling for tally marks, which to Odrama means they love each other because “you fight with the ones you love the most.” I guess that’s what she learned from her abusive-with-pillows (step?)father.
Out on the town, Pandrew has met a young lady named Erica. Shots are had, flirting occurs, and Pandrew magnanimously determines that he will not hold her lack of intelligence against her. Back at the house, Pandrew’s young scholar decides that she would like to get “crazy” which involves a trip to the hot tub followed by a trip to Pandrew’s bed. It appears our sexually frustrated little buddy has finally achieved his number one goal.
Oh, who are you kidding, MTV?
Post-dalliance, the young companians enact in the now established mating ritual of exchanging email addresses. I smell a keeper! Callie can barely contain her giggles as they part ways, and confessionals that while she is happy for Pandrew’s achievement, she is also a little grossed out. Pandrew’s confessional is much more jovial as he sing-songs about his getting of booty whilst basking in the afterglow.
The roomies are as thrilled for Pandrew as I am, which is to say they are mildly relieved. Callie now sets the bar (possibly unreachably) high by suggesting that our Pandrew aim to enact in intercourse with the same girl twice. Pandrew giggles about having never accomplished this feat.
Odrama is discussing the ethics of cheating with Douche. She says she never has and never will cheat on anyone because anyone who wants to cheat that badly probably shouldn’t be in the relationship to begin with and might as well break up. I’m going to have to agree with her on this one. Temptation is one thing, but if you can’t keep it in your pants, it’s just not fair to the other person. Apparently Douche has problems both with commitment and with being alone. He and his girlfriend have never been apart this long and are trying to stay strong for each other. Well, we know he’s failing. She’s not being filmed so I guess we’re not sure about her. Douche is going to attempt fidelity for the rest of his time on camera. Let’s all remember this in 5 minutes.
Douche has band practice. Nothing to report. Douche’s mom calls to tell him she’s not sure it’s a good idea for Ashley to visit again.
Do not move that hand one inch to the right. That is your MOTHER on the phone.
Anyway, MamaDouche wants Douche to worry about himself and not his girlfriend. Having already seen this episode, I can’t help but wonder if what’s about to happen is what she had in mind when she said that.
Pandrew meets a girl named Emily right after getting laid by a girl named Erica, because apparently girls with the same names as his roommates have a thing for him. Douche legitmately says (over a shot of him making out with a random) “James Bond’s got a license to kill, rock stars have a license to be outrageous.” In what world does screaming in your basement make you a rock star? Perhaps he will be our resident “roomie with multiple personalities” this season. I had my money on Pandrew and his slew of animal disguises.
Anyway, for what is apparently the second night in a row, Pandrew brings home a girl (this one is generously described by him as “ditzy” which I suppose is a step up from “dumb”?). Poor Ty seems to show up empty handed and not happy about it. But guess who else brings a girl home?
HA! You know you’re a special kind of slut when MTV won’t even upgrade your caption to “(Roomie’s) friend” and you’re relegated to “from the bar.”
Callie is once again critical of the girls being brought home. Like she expected them to bring back nuclear physicists? Hi Callie, welcome to the Real World. Pandrew’s attempted conquest doesn’t want to be “that girl” but “Chelsea from the bar” wisely tells her it’s “too late.” That ho knows what’s up.
Now Chelsea from the bar throws a lame insult Emily’s (?) way, which sends Odrama into a frenzy because she’s already fought with all of the roomies so she’s got to take it out on strangers now. Admittedly, she was pretty rude, and the girls want her out of the house, but Douche brings her downstairs anyway. Emily tries to go after them, but Ty stops her out of wingman loyalty, AKA The Bro Code. As per usual, things start to get physical between them. There’s some shoving, which seems to take things further than normal and too far for Emily. She walks away and is comforted by the girls, including Odrama who ironically says she’s proud of Emily for walking away before things escalated.
In case you were afraid Pandrew brought home a girl from the symphony, MTV is here to clear things up.
In Most Ridiculous Timing Ever news, Douche’s girlfriend calls just as he’s busy snuggling into bed with our first bar wench Chelsea. Roomie Emily (as opposed to Emily from the bar) answers the phone and tells Douche. She offers to tell Douche’s girlfriend he’s asleep, but he decides he should be a good, upstanding guy and go talk to her. He’s all full of evasiveness and nonanswers, saying he can’t wait to see her. Apparently she’s coming to visit in a day and a half. Douchey as this is, there’s plenty more to come.
Pandrew decks out in his panda hat to escort the bar wenches to the door for their walk of shame the next morning. He’s feeling pretty good after his sudden dual success. Apparently he’s never had a relationship, but Callie thinks a girlfriend would be good for him so that he could have sex regularly.
In Discovering Yourself news (wow, this episode just has everything, doesn’t it?), Emily is taking her turn at inspiring the youth of America. She’s interviewing with “Kid Power, Inc.” which is a revolutionary place where they believe that when everyone’s needs are being met, everyone stays happy. They also believe kids are all unique flowers. Emily is into sports and poetry.
Callie, Cliche, and Mike tell Ty that he probably shouldn’t side with random bar wenches over his roommates, especially the one he would probably like to have sex with again.
Ty goes to Emily with his tail between his legs and tries to apologize for his behavior. She’s extra pissed because he knows how to push her buttons in more ways than one, and he picked the angry way instead of the sexual way. She listens to his apology, but for the time being he is not forgiven. Apparently apologies don’t mean anything to her, it’s the actions that follow them that matter.
From the look on her face, Ty’s tail will remain between his legs.
Since Pandrew’s on a roll in the getting laid department, he’s decided to take Emily from the bar on a date in attempt to continue his streak. He shows up at the restaurant and she is nowhere to be found. Awwww, sad Pandrew. Finally has sex and now he can’t even have a celebratory meal with his victim. The waiter/host promise they have their fingers crossed for him. Ha! I was positive he was getting stood up, but she finally shows up. She says she was thinking of standing him up which is why she took so long. She pretends it’s a joke, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t. Also, she’s Emily from the bar, so she might have gotten confused when Pandrew asked her to a restaurant.
That’s right, just drink the awkwardness away.
The date continues to be as awkward as it started out, and Pandrew decides he doesn’t like her. So I guess this isn’t one of those “boy fucks girl from bar only to realize she’s his true love” stories. Back at the house, after Pandrew comes home alone, Emily tries to encourage him, but he’s decided he doesn’t like her. He can’t decide why though.
Now for the “finding yourself” portion of this seriously hectic episode. Emily, using what she amusingly refers to as her “little talents” is going to inspire inner city youth to be poets. Oh damn, they even snap their responses to each other’s poems. This is no joke.
We go straight from kids and their poems to the roomies discussing random hookups. Odrama says females need a connection with the other person to enjoy sex. Douche says he needs a connection. Apparently that is why he did not have sex with the girl from the other night. Callie asks if he’s still in a relationship and says she’s not judging him. He knows she is. She tells him that if he loves Ashley he needs to stop because it’s going to destroy her world. Apparently Callie’s been on the other side of it. Odrama wants to know why he’s pissed. Apparently it’s because Callie is the Jiminy Cricket to his Pinocchio, and he’s just not willing to let his conscience be his guide.
Speaking of Ashley, she’s waiting at the bus station when Douche goes to pick her up. He confessionals that he’s never been more confused in his life. Apparently he’s got a decision to make. No shit, Sherlock.
Cliche is using this as an excuse to whine to Callie about how many times she’s been cheated on. Apparently the guy who took her virginity cheated on her before they had sex. Callie, who has apparently also been cheated on, either is not permitted to talk about her problems or does not feel the need to share them with America.
Do you think Callie’s friends from home have this many guy issues? Or do ducks mate for life?
Ashley sits outside with Emily and Odrama and says that everyone tells her she’s stupid for being with Douche while he’s away. She says she trusts him because he’s been honest with her. Internally, the girls are like “Uhhh, yeah right.” Externally, they’re just like “Uhhh…” Emily asks what she would do if he had another girl over. Ashley says she doesn’t know. Gloriously awkward uncomfortableness ensues. Ashley gets suspicious until Emily backpedals. She says she’d leave Douche if it happened again. I suppose we’ll see if she meant that.
Ashley brings up her suspicion with Sir Douche, and he says something about liking attention but that he loves her and no one else. Way to not answer. I seriously hope she does not put up with his shit. She doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb in the box, but no one deserves this bullshit. Douche is pissed at his roomies for upsetting his girlfriend. Right, it’s all their fault. Douche.
The next day, Ashley leaves and Douche confessionals that he thinks they’ll get through this strongly. Ha! He clearly hasn’t seen the end of this episode. But I have.
Douche asks Odrama what happened. She says it was an uncomfortable situation but they didn’t tell her anything. He says they upset Ashley. Odrama hasn’t had a fight all episode and is all too happy to unleash her indecipherably fast fightspeech on him. Basically, he says it’s none of her business and she says she didn’t say anything.
She must spend all of her free time (and by that I mean whenever she’s not fighting with someone) with her hair crimper. Seriously, she is perpetually preparing for an 80′s theme party.
Out on the town, Douche is getting even closer to his “friend” Kelly Ann (you know it’s serious because she is not just “Kelly Ann from the bar”) when she takes him to the upstairs bathroom because she’s classy like that. He’s just following her lead, he’s totally helpless. I suppose he also had no choice in the matter when he brings her home. She goes to the “restroom” because she’s been “holding it for an hour.” But you were just in the upstairs bathroom at the bar, Kelly Ann!
While she’s on her bathroom break, Douche takes the opportunity to call Ashley and end things because he knows things are going further with Kelly Ann. He tells Ashley he kissed someone he’s been “seeing a couple of time” and she wants to know what that means. He tells her he wants to end things and she gets pissed while he tells her he’s only a man and can’t help himself. She starts crying and he hangs up. Shit man, I know I’ve been calling him Douche but that was beyond Douche. I have typed that word so many times but it’s the only one I can think of. MEGADOUCHE. UBERDOUCHE. Wow.
After a moment of looking conflicted, he tells Emily and Odrama that they broke up. Odrama decides this, like everything, is about her, and says Douche shouldn’t call her out for upsetting Ashley if he’s going to keep bringing girls home. They start yelling nonsense at each other and Odrama tells Douche not to cut her off. He yells back that all she does is cut him off and wants to know if she’s serious. Of course she is.
Douche and Kelly Ann get it on, and the next morning a confused Cliche, who holy shit is not a pretty sight in the morning, sees her in the bathroom. As usual, she seems to have missed the events of the previous night, and when she tells Callie, Callie seems surprised that she stayed the night. This is where we officially learn that this all happened the night after Ashley left. In case it wasn’t douchy enough.
Kelly Ann leaves and Douche confessionals that he guesses he and Ashley are over and if it’s meant to be, they’ll meet up later. Apparently being selfish is new to him, but he’s handling it like a pro.
Callie’s older brother Cameron comes to visit, and sadly he is not a duck. Callie’s apparently worried about the boys behaving themselves while her brother is visiting. I can’t imagine why.
Apparently when Ty is drinking Emily is concerned that he will hurt someone. Foreshadowing! He starts throwing some insults at her and they declare their hatred toward each other. Although Ty is nice enough to tell her he likes her enough to jerk off to her.
Well, he’s not a duck, but Pandrew’s recruited Callie’s brother for his Army of Animals anyway.
The guys return from a night of drinking quite wasted, and Ty slurs at Emily that he’s sorry. She’s having none of it, as usual, and says he can talk to her when he’s sober. He follows her around the house anyway, trying to apologize while she tells him to stay away. They end up outside, where he finally gets fed up and starts throwing his snacks at her. Dude, quit wasting snacks. Even Douche thinks he’s being out of line, so you know it’s bad.
Poor, unsuspecting, drunk Pandrew comes outside suggesting pizza, and starts drunkenly hitting on Emily. Ty gets pissed at Pandrew and, well:
Andrew Pandrew sat on a wall…
Andrew Pandrew had a great fall.
There’s a scuffle and the familiar wail from all of the promos rings out. The sound is even enough to draw Cliche out of her batcave. The girls find the words to tell Ty what he did was “not cool.” Also, one of them says “Dude, something just really happened right now.” Thank you for that eloquent description. The episode is ominously “To be continued…” I, for one, am on the edge of my seat.