Real World: Pizza Begets War. Who Knew?

First of all, I just want to thank all of you who have been reading and/or commenting so far. You make the time spent trying to decipher Odrama’s screeching or watching Emily/Ty define and undefine their non-relationship worth it. It makes me feel better that I’m not the only one sitting here analyzing these fools. That being said, I’ve got to make this one a little shorter because after work on Friday I’ll be heading to a place with no internet for the weekend (I know, I know, a land without internet? The myths you’ve heard are true, folks: it exists. Not even any cell service!) The bright side is you’ll get to read this sooner, so this week’s shenanigans will be much fresher in your minds.

Second of all, I want to quickly address this season in general. For the record, I don’t watch a lot of reality television and I’m not really in “the trashier the better” mindset as far as that stuff goes. I don’t need it. I live on Long Island. Jersey Shore IS my Real World, and has been for years, and I was over it before it started. So in a way, I prefer a “boring” season like this even though I still can’t really take these people seriously, especially since they take themselves seriously enough for everyone.

And remember, this is what the earlier seasons were like, but we were all little kiddies back then who found it all fresh and exciting. Of course, Real World is the granddaddy of modern reality television, but reality television has changed so much that none of this is new to us anymore. Like, sure your grandpa has a new story to tell you once in awhile, but mostly he’s going to tell you his favorites again and again, while your much younger uncle might have newer stories you haven’t heard before. And when I was in middle and high school, they were older than me so I hadn’t really experienced much of what I was watching on the show. Somewhere, a 14 year old girl was inspired by Callie’s “internship” (until the 14 year old girl next to her called her fat and now she’s alternately crying and vomiting up lunch). The world has enough Snooki’s, thank you.

Okay, time to get off the soapbox because it’s time to move on to this week’s episode.
We start off with Pandrew and Odrama in the hot tub. There’s a lump in his shorts, but don’t worry- He’s not THAT happy to see her. It’s just his pockets filling up with air. And in case you were afraid something interesting was going to happen, Odrama reveals that her hot tub beverage of choice is hot chocolate. That’s got to break some kind of Real World law, no? Also, the might be the saddest, loneliest hot tub in many, many seasons.

Odrama begs Pandrew not to make their hot tub session awkward. Shit, woman, ask him to do something he’s capable of, like make up lies about his days of crocodile wrestling in the Outback. Or get shot down by a girl.

Anyway, Odrama needs something to whine about so she decides that Pandrew has deeply connected with all of the roommates but her. He promptly denies having “opened up” to anyone. He reassures us via confessional that he has only talked to the guys about sex in order to form a “brotherhood.” Something tells me he comes across like Steve Carell in The 40 Year Old Virgin in those conversations. I’m pretty sure even the gay guy’s been with more girls than him.

The girls wander around town so Callie can fulfill her dream of capturing every last Kodak moment of it all. She, like 95% of teenage girls, got a digital camera (though not till senior year of high school since she’s from such a small town) and immediately discovered the joy of taking pictures. Although we haven’t seen any self-portraits taken via bathroom mirror, so she’s not EVERY teenage girl. She really does seem to have a passion for it, so good for her. It’s more productive than 6 of her roommates have been. Emily thinks she has potential, so there’s that.

So, I guess the roommates are supposed to be fulfilling their dreams this season in lieu of half-assing some MTV mandated job. As we were just reminded, Callie’s is photography, so she nervously calls up a magazine about an internship. She leaves a message that gets a little rambly for a second, but I am the worst and most awkward at talking on the phone, and especially leaving messages, so I’m going to let that go.

It turns out Pandrew’s blue flip sunglasses were stolen by one of the many women who did not sleep with him. Well, shit, MTV, you let that bit of knowledge go unmentioned until now? No worries, he’s had a new pair delivered, so you all can rest easily knowing that he will continue to go unlaid. He will, however, be able to check out boobs more subtly. Because if nothing else, Pandrew is very concerned with subtlety.

But hey, they worked on Snooki! Or at least, the poor man’s version of her. That’s right, the POOR MAN’s version of SNOOKI. Those glasses are a real gold mine. Callie’s summation is: tacky.

Pandrew can’t really afford to have standards though, so he begs and pleads for her to come home with him. He ends up getting her number and gives her the increasingly-common-on-this-season “email me” before she leaves, pizza box in tow.

We get another shot of the “Do Not Enter” sign (lol, editor) to take us to Pandrew trying to cuddle up to Callie. She has a bitch of a time removing his face from her boobs. Well, I’m sure he’s happy, at least it’s a step up from spooning.

Pandrew and Odrama yell back and forth about who is more sexually frustrated. Well, that one’s probably a stalemate.

Pandrew leaves and Odrama decides it’s been 20 minutes since the last time she got her panties in a twist, so this is a good enough reason for her to get worked up. Callie correctly points out that they both just yelled at each other and it was pretty much equal opportunity insulting, but Odrama’s already fought with Ty and Mike and she must have picked Pandrew’s name out of her Hat of Rage this morning, so she’s not letting up. She moves on to rant and rave about living with him but not knowing who he is. I really don’t know what she expects, exactly. He’s made it pretty clear to everyone that he’s a goofball who fails with women but doesn’t really take things seriously. That’s far more personality than most of the other roommates combined.

Mike takes Pandrew, Ty, and a girl who I though was Emily but may just be a random to his internship at the Human Rights Campaign. They’ve taught him that being gay can be just one part of your personality instead of the whole thing. I guess he was under the impression that all gay men are flamboyant, and if you like sports and sex with men, you’re just a straight guy with an unusual hobby.

They start talking about the rules for gays in the military. As we all know, that’s taboo. Remember when Danny from New Orleans was dating a guy in the military, and they had to blur him out like crazy when he came to visit? Ahh, memories. It is revealed that if one admits to gayness or is caught in the act of gayness (that must make for some awkwardness), said person is dishonorably discharged. If there are merely suspicions of gayness, the result is honorable discharge. Well, that’s nice of them. They can’t decide on your homosexuality AND dishonorably discharge you without your consent. Pandrew likens it to a witch trial, and I like that analogy.

Mike’s boy toy in Colorado has been upgraded to “ex-boyfriend” in MTV subtitle terminology, so I guess that’s something. Mike updates him on his DC life thus far, discussing his work with the HRC, Tanner’s impending visit, and missing each other. Mike is the latest Real Worlder to be caught between a potential romance at home and letting loose while he has this opportunity.

Callie prepares her portfolio and resume for her interview that is just a formality because MTV already set this shit up to prove to us that dreams do come true. To be fair, though, the few glimpses that we do get of Callie’s portfolio show that she really does put effort into her photography. I can’t really tell if it’s good because quite frankly, I know nothing about photography.

Callie tells us that she’s never had an interview that required a resume before. Apparently the crowning jewel on it is her serving chicken fried steak for two years. Aww, come on, I’m sure you served a couple of plates of ribs too.

But enough of that, because Odrama is now screaming bloody murder. Please, let’s find out all about that situation. Apparently she put pizza on Pandrews bed. He put pizza on her bed. They wrestle on her bed, Pandrew tries to get a little action, and she screams like he’s torturing puppies and her at the same time. She screams for Mikey, who by the way, was trying to sleep in his own bed while this was going on. He wakes up and doesn’t help her, but in a remarkable act of restraint doesn’t grab the nears blunt object and start wailing on the two of them either, which is probably what I would have done. Just go after her with a pillow, that’ll bring up all kinds of issues.

The dramatic music starts up and Pandrew chases Odrama with a pizza box in mock rage. He backs off, but it’s too late because he’s given her enough to fuel the fire. He awesomely accuses her of trying to get sympathy, which we all know is true, but she’s fully committed to playing the Victim card and Emily and Ty have suddenly decided that Pandrew’s actions need to be taken seriously.

Odrama recount the tale of terror to Callie. Apparently Pandrew is terrifying. I wonder if she would find him more or less scary if he had been wearing one of his animal hats. She tells us again about her abusive dad. Callie is a patient listener, but Odrama’s had enough and goes back to Emily and Ty to seek their pity again. Ty tries to tell her that they’ve known each other long enough to know that Andrew’s not really the hitting type. Sure, I’d watch out for his wandering hands in a crowded subway or dark room because he’s definitely the groping type, but who isn’t?

Pandrew comes out to sort of apologize, but he also calls her delusional so she’s not really having it. They continue to disagree until he gives up to go to bed. Holy shit, this is all still the same night? What the hell time does Mike go to bed? And for that matter, where are our Walking Cliche and Lying, Cheating Manwhore?

Callie finds Odrama outside, clutching her moose and crying into her (crimped! I think) hair. Callie awesomely uses God in an attempt to calm her down by telling her God wouldn’t put her in a situation she couldn’t handle. Way to call her religious bluff, Callie! After that, Odrama’s having trouble coming up with another argument (Callie may be a miracle worker), so she squeezes the last drop of drama she can muster out of the situation by heading to a hotel for the night while reminding us that she doesn’t have parents. Emily voices my mental “Are you serious?” when Callie spreads the news. Fuck, that was a long ass night.

The next morning, Odrama goes back home claiming she’s going to “take a chill pill.” I’ll believe it when I see it. Pandrew is impressed by how much drama she managed to wring out of the situation and how much sympathy she apparently needs. After waking Mike up and getting into his bed last night, her first act upon returning to the house is to wake Callie up and get into her bed to discuss her feelings on the previous night for the 14 billionth time in the past 12 hours. Also for the 14 billionth time, Callie fruitlessly tries to convince Odrama to use this to learn more about herself and grow as a person instead of throwing blame around and being mad at the world for not living up to her undefinable standards.

Now Pandrew and Odrama are having a battle of who can go the longest without talking to the other. My money’s on Pandrew, because she can never stop talking and has already threatened to cut off both Ty and Mike to no avail.

Callie’s running late for her interview and didn’t get to finish her resume. Emily and Odrama work on her resume while she gets dressed and ready to go. Music supervisor chimes in with “I don’t want to hear that I can’t cause I can… When there’s a way there’s a will”.

Once that’s out of the way, Callie’s freaking out over the Metro system, because after you should have left is the time to worry about that. Also, Callie can’t find anything ever, including her own house. Remember when she got lost in the first episode? And some other episode?

I don’t think I’ve explained my “Callie was raised by ducks” theory to you guys. But basically, in her intro in the first episode, Callie told us her town had no people or cars, only a park with ducks, and that she had never had to read a map before. My logical conclusion was that Callie must have been raised by the ducks since there were no people, and since ducks always follow each other in a line she never had to read a map or find a location on her own. Just wanted to share that, and now seemed as good a time as any.

Luckily, Odrama offers to help her find it and she ends up being only “a few minutes late,” which we all know is crazy late, because on time is really late, and early is on time. But poor Callie never learned that from her duck parents. She admits to being aware of her unprofessionalism as we watch her sit down for her interview in jeans, boots, and a sleeveless shirt.

They discuss her photography, and then he asks her how familiar she is with LGBT issues and is met with a blank stare because they don’t teach interview tactics at the duck pond, I guess. The interviewer tells her he’ll email her an assigment later in the week and see what happens from there.

Back at the house, our Walking Cliche is finally getting the update on the previous night’s shenanigans. Is it just me, or does she miss everything? Where is she? My guess is sleeping upside down hanging from the ceiling like a bat. Or burrowed in a rabbit hole or something. Rabbit have holes, right? Do they burrow? It’s late, I’m getting tired. Anyway, Pandrew tells her that Odrama’s mad because he pushed her, and Walking Cliche throws out the masterful insight that when you roughhouse with guys, they roughhouse right back. Well put, dear. You are precisely right. She also wisely predicts that a Conversation is in order, and Pandrews no fool because he knows that means he’s going to get yelled at.

Pandrew tells Callie and Walking Cliche about needing to be crazy to paint well, and says he doesn’t want to talk to Odrama because she just wants an excuse to tell him about her past, and he doesn’t care. Neither do I, hun. And even if I did care, I feel like I already know all there is to know.

Callie’s gotten her first assignment via email from Charlie (I don’t know his real name, but I’m pretending she’s an Angel getting an assignment from Charlie, even though she certainly doesn’t have the hair for it, and he didn’t have email). She’ll be shooting a gay bar’s anniversary party.

Mike has generously offered to accompany Callie and Erika to the gay bar, because he’s “worried about them being out of their comfort zone” or something like that. Yeah, I’m sure the emo chick has never been around any gay guys. Except her boyfriend and probably most/all of their friends. And as for Callie, at least she probably won’t get hit on by guys with girlfriends.

Callie’s taking pictures, getting comfortable, following her dreams. Mike’s getting drunk and apparently is in high demand here at the gay bar. He hits it off with a guy named Eric, who is wearing a backwards baseball cap so he’s not too gay for Mikey. We learn that Mike puts a guy through 3 tests: politics, sports, and getting punched in the arm without whining. I wonder which one Odrama failed. Probably the unmentioned first requirement: a penis. We all know she would have failed the arm punching test with flying colors. Politics she probably passes as far as Mike’s concerned, sports I guess is the wildcard.

Mike and Eric have a little laundry folding session since clean clothes are covering Mike’s bed and apparently getting in the way of getting down and dirty. They kiss and we go to commercial, because the black and white under blanket humping should only be shown when there’s a straight couple under it. Or they just kissed.

Well, they did have a fully clothed sleepover. Mikey thinks Eric is cool and may see him again. Oh, shit! I just noticed Mikey’s shirt says “Dead Poet’s Society.” That movie has Wilson from House and Dan from Sports Night and other people, including Robin Williams before he was quite so exhausting. Anyway, the girls tell Mikey how aggressive he was with Eric the night before, punching him constantly. I guess Mikey’s the pitcher.

Callie brings her pictures in and Charlie decides she did well enough to be brought on for the internship. Or he wants his MTV product placement.

Pandrew’s worried his furry animal hats won’t be enough to save him from an impending alien invasion, so he cooks noodles with a strainer on his head. Mikey and Odrama are amused, the latter very much against her will. She’s so mad at him, damn it! How dare he amuse her! She bring her rage to Callie and Cliche, and tells them she hasn’t spoken a word to him since their fight. Lucky bastard.

Cheater has emerged from his Lair of Sin long enough to listen to Odrama bitch for a few minutes. It’s about time, shit. Everyone else has been listening to her for days. Apparently it is Opposite Day as she declares her hatred for fighting with people. She decides that she has to deal with the fact that Pandrew doesn’t overshare the way she does. She also claims that there’s a fun part of her beneath the “chip on shoulder” part. When does that part appear? Oh, shit! She admits to being dramatic. Damn, Cheater handled her even better than Callie. He should grace us with his skeezy presence more often.

Mikey excitedly heads for the computer to check for an email from his new boy toy, Eric, to find one from his old boy toy, Tanner. I guess email is the new phone room conversation. The email is to tell Mike how much he cares about/misses him, and Mike gets a little freaked out because he doesn’t want to go back and get married. Oh, sweetie. You can’t anyway, so don’t worry about it. Apparently you’ve still got a few things to learn from the HRC. Cliche dispenses her usual inspirational “find yourself” message, and Mike agrees. We even get a few bars of Musical Inspiration.

And now, Odrama climbs into bed with her THIRD sleeping victim of the episode. Shit man, if she interrupted my sleep I would go MEGA Odrama on her ass. Anyway, she realizes that she and Pandrew will never have a deep friendship. I’m sure he’ll be kicking himself for years to come.

Pandrew actually looks physically pained as he mends fences. But THEN! He confessionals that his roommates wear their hearts on their sleeves (duh), as if their problems define them, “but if you’ve been TRULY hurt, you don’t talk about that shit. You keep that inside.” DRAMATIC PAUSE. Is Pandrew harboring Deep Secret Pain?! Now THIS is a fascinating development. Well played, Man of Mystery.

Back in Pandrews bed, he tries to cuddle Odrama after she willingly climbed into it while he was sleeping to have a Deep Serious Conversation, and she immediately gets offended. Does she know anything about consequences? Or signals?

Next week: Mike is still confused about his sexuality. Odrama yells again. We have our first “might go home” drama of the season.

But more importantly, let’s get some theories running about Pandrew’s Hard Knock Life. This is probably the most interested I’ve been in anything this season, which may be sad, but I don’t care. Talk to me, Gasmii!