Real World: The Zombie Hitler Tap Dance Episode

Welcome back to The Real World Cancun! May-juh (I know, that wasn’t Mexican, but I have to practice my Victoria Beckham too, you know) props to MIchy PR for translating Rihanna’s email to Scrawny Pat from last week! The best part was when she bragged about Scrawny being in it for the cameras with Jassy, but definitely not with her. Hearts, Michy PR! Thanks for ruining your eyesight for the….um, cause? And now, for the latest…

It’s cuz Rihanna’s in heat.

We open with football and Piglet CJ. I can’t imagine a more boring combination. Turns out, Piglet’s getting a tryout for the NFL, which means Piglet’s also getting a storyline today. In the house, Everybody’s Gay Bestie Derek tells Piglet that win or lose, he’s proud of him. Then Piglet tells us that this is his third year trying out. Excellent hedge, Derek. Followed by, “Just make it already, bitch!” Well, that had a very butch, football-esque ring to it, no?

Alright, it’s been a whole paragraph of football and I’m over it already. Let’s go to the club! Let’s meet Emilee’s new boyfriend, Carlito! Let’s make fun of his fake Gucci logo hat! I would ask what kind of moron would actually wear this, but first I’d have to find out where one would even buy this. I should also mention that Carlito is a little pudgy and he has a huge zit. But he was smart enough to hit on Emilee in front of Rihanna, which means two seconds after Emilee sends him off to fetch ice cubes for her drink, Rihanna’s cornering him near a lounge chair and dragging him to the dance floor.

Don’t let this handjob give you the wrong idea, k?

Naturally, Emilee is pissed, but she’s medicated so we can’t really tell. She doesn’t say a word about it, but Jassy’s happy to have someone else to authenticate Rihanna’s husband stealing ways. She recounts the story to Ayiiia. “I would never do that!” she declares, followed by a firm, “I don’t trust her!” Okay, established.

Over at the GRL, otherwise known as Brawny’s new digs, it’s bore snore. “I’m bored out of my mind,” he informs us, “So obviously, I’m going to make a zombie movie!” Oh, of course. Obvs. Then we’re treated to Brawny’s ridiculous camcorder masterpiece. Piglet and Derek pretend they like it. I’m starting to realize that Brawny’s just one of those loud, obnoxious people who thinks that being loud and obnoxious is funny. At the GRL pool, Xtina’s giving the Student City workers a nice farewell speech. Goodbye Xtina, I will miss your parade of hairdos. You will always have a special place in the hearts of Mexicans and MTV viewers alike for kicking that herpes disguised as a Real World cast member out of Cancun.

Slightly more watchable than Ryan’s suicide movie.

And back to Piglet, he’s got news for the other two boys – he’s bringing them to Las Vegas for his NFL tryout! They’re predictably happy, and ready to have t-shirts printed for the occasion. Well, that’s actually kind of sweet. Later that night, Piglet and Derek are on the public drunk people bus, and somebody starts with everybody’s gay bestie. Piglet takes matters into his own hands, and retaliates by beating the guy up. And apparently, Derek gets in the fray as well. “You punched a guy and I kicked his friend!” Derek giggles drunkenly as they stumble back into the house and into the confessional. Impressive work, boys.

Then they re-enact the ass kicking about ten different ways in the house, complete with Piglet using a yellow notebook as a dummy for the dude he punched. And it’s all fun and games…until the Policia show up. The next day at the pool of some other hotel, that’s what happens. Piglet denies everything, and Brawny, who doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about and to my knowledge wasn’t even there, backs him up. “Who are these kids? I don’t know them,” sniffs Mr. Cool Cause I’m On The Real World to the non-Real World accusers. Piglet continues to deny everything.

Gay Bestie probably didn’t help matters by hollering “Piiiiiglet!” at the top of his lungs as he exited the bus.

The hotel lady tells them nonetheless, they have to talk to the police. “I’ll talk to the police! Let’s go!” yells Brawny. What are you going to talk about, jackass? And I doubt he knows either, but if the other guys are piling into a Mexican paddy wagon, Brawny is not about to be left behind.

At the police station, there’s lots of ominous music. Derek tells us that they’re in the jail, and next thing we hear is that Piglet’s going to jail for 36 hours. Which kind of sucks, because his NFL tryout is in 24 hours. Wow, cutting it close there. What if there had been a flight delay? But there’s a chance…if Piglet can put together 1,800 pesos for a brib- I mean, for a legitimate bail payment, he’s free. The boys pool their pesos, and Piglet’s out of the pokey.

That night, there’s a phone call…from Herpes Joey. Ugh, it’s a phone call through my television screen and yet I still feel the need to Lysol everything within a ten foot radius. But this is actually pretty funny, Brawny tells us that after The Herp got kicked out, he kept expecting to be replaced with a new roommate so finally they just made one up! Her name is Lauren. And she’s bangin’! And they really commit to the act. Piglet tells Herp that he and Lauren were laying in bed together and he was rubbing her back, Brawny tells him that he played pool with her for two hours and she’s just the coolest girl ever…and Herpes eats it up! “Awwwww, you’re in love!” he coos to Brawny. I love watching this guy getting played.

That night, Piglet and Brawny are out at the cantina and Brawny’s formulating a plan for what to say about Piglet to the recruiters. Ummm, nothing? “Nothing,” confirms Piglet. “It’s on a whole other level,” he explains to the maturity challenged Brawny, who thinks that strolling around the field talking really loudly about how great Piglet is will help him. And Brawny even argues about a little. “Really?” he asks almost sarcastically. Does he honestly not understand that carrying on like an idiot would only serve to make Piglet look childish and unprofessional? Eh, stupid question.

The next morning, Piglet’s packing some footballs into a suitcase. I would think they would provide those at the tryout, but I guess I’m no expert. Piglet’s a bit nervous. “This is potentially the biggest job interview of my life,” he tells us earnestly. Yeah, that you’ve already blown twice, pal. But Piglet’s pretty harmless and I always support chasing the dream, so I suppose I’ll hold a good thought. I can’t be an asshole all the time.

Inside the house, the girls are packing up too. Jassy tells us that since the boys are getting to go to Vegas, they’re taking a girls weekend to Playa del Carmen. I like that part of Mexico, it’s cute and romantic and has great diving. “It will be good for bonding,” explains Emilee. “Maybe we’ll meet some cool guys down there!” squeals Rihanna. Well, maybe Emilee and Jassy will and then you can steal them. Actually, here’s hoping. I could go for a catfight around now.

You should take something for that.

The girls pile into the van amidst a lot of complaining. “Can we each have our own seat?” “I have to pee.” “I forgot my jacket.” I am ready to turn this van around right now and we’re not even out of the ME driveway. When they arrive, the girls agree that PDC is “adorable”, and they set up shop in their suite, which actually looks a little tiny. “I’m ready to hit the street,” quips Ayiiia. Figures.

They head to the PDC local cantina, order a shot and Emilee reminds the girls that even though it’s a girls weekend, Rihanna is there to meet boys. ‘Cause she’s boy crazy. “I’m not boy crazy,” Rihanna denies. She explains that she’s only been single for two weeks and one of those, Scrawny Pat was there. Gosh, there has really been a run of repulsive men in Cancun. No wonder I’m starting to sort of like Piglet. He’s the only one that isn’t obnoxious or diseased. Or both.

Back at the hotel, Emilee, Rihanna and Jassy are planted on the patio talking about Rihanna. Bottom line, they just don’t think she’s a girls’ girl, and they’re totally right. “She’s never known girl love,” explains Ayiiia the closeted lesbian.

Over in Vegas, Brawny and Derek have arrived on the scene and are fully prepared to “support” Piglet. I have a strong suspicion that Piglet doesn’t even want them there, and it was a simple matter of production intervention to get them there. They go out to dinner and Piglet gives the boys the update. And dumbass Brawny’s still on his plan. He’s going to sit there with Derek in the stands and pretend to take notes about Piglet and mutter to himself about how he has to pick up Piglet and he hopes no one else does. In other words, completely ignore Piglet’s request that they act like adults and keep their damn mouths shut. Does Brawny really think that anyone would mistake his t-shirt, blue rimmed sunglasses clad ass for a NFL agent? Eh, another stupid question.

Billy? It’s Elton. I can’t bear to do another summer tour, dahling. I’m sorry.

Piglet politely explains to us that when people aren’t familiar with “that level of play” in football, they might not know how to act. That was generous honey, from what I’ve seen, your buddies are socially retarded fools who wouldn’t know the appropriate way to behave in any situation outside a bar or a frat house. Further supported by the fact that they show up at the tryout wearing Herp’s leftover blue bandanas and pretending to be Piglet’s agents. Look toddlers, I understand there are cameras there, but just try and resist the urge to embarrass yourselves on them. This is Piglet’s dream. Well, Piglet’s Dream – Take Three.

But they don’t stop! They head up into the stands and proceed to cause a spectacle. They yell and whistle and carry on so much that one of the other guys trying out has to tell Piglet to tell them to calm down. Again, Piglet’s very graceful about it. And again, even after the coach shows up, the morons are still playing “agent” up in the stands. Then it’s time for the tryout, and you know I’m not recapping that crap.

So long story short, some agency wants to sign Piglet! Despite his idiotic friends whooping it up in the stands. “You’ve obviously been working hard,” they comment to him. Awwww, I’m kind of proud of the guy. They go out to dinner, and he tells them he has a pretty good chance of making it into a camp. Now I know from Ed Hartwell that making it into camp is far from a guarantee of making it on the team, but I don’t want to be a dream squasher. And now I’m curious to see if he did end up making a team? Can someone research and advise? I’m terribly busy, kisses & thanks.

Back in PDC, the girls are out at some club and Rihanna’s getting all the attention. Naturally, Jassy is annoyed. And not because Rihanna’s even stolen anyone away from her, but just because Rihanna’s getting all the attention. Now this part isn’t Rihanna’s fault and Jassy’s just being jelly. She tells us Rihanna has a real issue with “being playful” and leading guys on. Well, they’re at a club and guys are talking to her! And giving her flowers! What’s she supposed to do?

Actually, for once, it seems like Rihanna might not be looking for it. She really is just sitting there, and she shares her flowers with the other girls. “I hate flowers,” snaps Emilee. “Like I said, they’re YOUR flowers,” mutters Jassy. What’s wrong, Rihanna asks her? And of course, “Nothing!” is wrong, as four foot tall Jassy stalks away. Oh, convincing.

Rihanna shares that she feels like it’s always Jassy who’s taking things too personally. Well, you did steal Scrawny Pat from her. So Rihanna just chalks it up to “too much togetherness”.

For you maybe. Everyone else is suffering from not enough get togetherness.

The next day everyone’s home. The girls from PDC, and they boys from Vegas. They catch each other up on their time apart, and as far as fun goes, it seems like the boys win. PDC is lovely, but I don’t really think it’s a much of a party town. Vegas on the other hand, had the Hard Rock Hotel (you would think they could have hooked them up with the old Real World suite at the Palms though, huh?) with a lavish suite and it looks like Emilee’s running low on her meds cause homegirl is pissed.

“Well, I got to stay in a tiny little room and do one thing,” she whines. Emilee is such a spoiled little brat, I love it. You’re only getting three all expense paid months on vacation in Mexico. Your life totally sucks soooooo bad. She goes out that night with Ayiiia and she complains a little more. “I’m from the east coast,” she explains, “I’ve never been to Vegas. I’ve never had that opportunity.” Add ridiculously self-absorbed to the list and I’m loving Emilee even more. Like it’s MTV’s obligation to take your ass to Vegas?

And then the dramatic music starts. Back in the house, Emilee is wandering around the house drunk. Ayiiia is absently playing around on the computer, and Emilee decides to root around in Brawny’s backpack, extract some zombie magazine he had in there, and she can’t explain why, but “I felt the need to…tap dance on it.” Cause you’re a total nutbar, that’s why, and that’s why you’re so my favorite right now.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention before, we foreshadowed. Just in case anyone doesn’t get the importance of a 99 cent zombie magazine, Piglet made sure to mention at some point or another that Brawny’s “thing” was zombie magazines. So, let’s remember that.

I’ll have what she’s having.

Anyway, the next morning, Brawny and Piglet are on the phone with The Herp back in whatever rock he crawled back into. What’s up with you, they ask? Aw, nothin’. Just got out of work. Uh huh. And now that there’s no cameras there, I bet you really need to show up on time. Aren’t you so glad you went home, Herpie? I can totally see what you mean about being over being on the Real World by the way you call the house on a daily basis.

And the Lauren gag is still running! Now they’ve got The Herp (I crack up every time I write that, I do) believing that this dirty little slut had sex with not only Piglet and Brawny, but that she talked about each of them behind their backs too. “Oh yeah,” Joey brags from his pathetic perch on the fringe of the action, “I’ll send you the emails!” They don’t know how much longer it’s going to go on.

Back to the girls, Rihanna’s got a problem. She’s in “excruciating pain”. It’s her Achilles tendon, she diagnoses. And she doesn’t know why at first, but then she remembers falling down the stairs the night before. She gets on the phone with someone at the hotel and requests crutches or a wheelchair. Derek carries her around for a bit, but then tells us that even though her ankle is swollen, she’s being a “drama queen” about it. Meanwhile, the other girls lie around in bed cackling like chickens in the henhouse, or whatever that mountie from Sydney used to say.

“What is up with grown ass women,” Ayiiia begins…what, lying in bed all day? What is up with that? Get a life. Rihanna comes hobbling into the girls’ room and whines that she has no way to get food. “Room service!,” Emilee advises cheerfully, “Hobble your ass over there!” But she has no way to get down the stairs and answers the door, Rihanna continues to whine. Ask the boys, they tell her. But they just left. “Well, then you’re SOL,” chirps Ayiiia. Yeah, gotta know your audience, and whether or not they’ll get out of bed for you.

I love that there’s at least one shot of Rih’s crotch every single week. It’s called consistency.

Rihanna complains that she hasn’t asked much of these girls, but the second she does, no one wants to help. “You could have at least made it fun and gotten a wheelchair,” drawls Emilee, “I could have rolled you around and if you pissed me off I could throw you through the screen door.” Bunch of bitches lying around in bed, loves it. Emilee is a fabulous leader.

The next day, Brawny’s back. “Hi guys!” he yells. “Go home,” grumbles Ayiiia. These unabashed miserable bitches are killing me. In a good way! “So, Emilee…” Brawny begins. “I tap danced.” Emilee tells him, in what I can best describe as smugly. “I felt like Shirley Temple and your magazine was the stage.” She basically acts like an insolent little brat about it, and now I’m kind of on Brawny’s side. “It’s just a magazine,” says Ayiiia, but ohhhhhh my can you imagine what kind of hell would have been unleashed if someone had gone through her stuff? “I’m not going to blow up over a magazine,” Brawny sighs, “But I swear, these girls are idiots.” Agreed. Now be the bigger person and walk away.

Or don’t. He walks outside with Derek and Piglet, and gets more and more heated as he continues to talk about it. And then he flips into irrational asshole mode as he tells us the whole incident “reminds me of 1938″. Oh, is that so? What exactly were you doing in 1938? How did you get there? Did a zombie take you in their time machine? And it gets worse – the reason the whole thing reminds him of 1938 is because that’s the year the Allies decided to appease Hitler. And now Brawny’s got the smug face. Or maybe it’s the self-righteous face. “I’m not gonna appease Hitler, I’m going back in there!” he declares. And off he goes.

Finally a hero comes along to save the Jews from having their zombie magazines stomped on.

He storms the house, where Emilee and Ayiiia are right where he left them and starts off with a history lesson. Bottom line, he’s comparing Emilee to Hitler. Listen shit for brains, and if I ever hoped someone I wrote about was reading this it’s right now – Hitler was a psychopathic murderer who killed, among eight million others, my family. To use that as a metaphor for some Hooters waitress ruining your cheap magazine makes me sick. Keep your community college history lessons to yourself. And you think Ayiiia and Emilee are bitches? Try a Jewish girl. Just try me. And….breathe.

So, we’ve all seen the preview like a million times – now it’s time for Brawny to lose it on both girls. His Hitler story builds and builds, and finally explodes in a crescendo of “I hate the both of you! I never liked you!” Ayiiia, to her credit, laughs. Emilee just rolls her eyes, plays with her hair and pouts. He storms out, then comes back to yell a little more, and finally Ayiiia tells him to get out of their house. He does, but now sensitive Emilee’s upset and sniffling away.

And she has a really good point – he’s there calling her fake, but apparently he never liked her all along, so why didn’t he say something sooner? Ayiiia points out that Brawny’s a loser who doesn’t even live in their house anymore. And stupid Brawny is still stuck on his Hitler reference, only now he’s added Emilee to the cast as Mussolini. And on behalf of the Italians, he’s an asshole for that too.

That night, they’re going out and once again it’s Rihanna, Rihanna, Rihanna. And Brawny, who I guess doesn’t hate Rihanna. Or Jassy, it seems. But Jassy might hate Rihanna. She scowls as Rihanna clutches onto Brawny’s arm, and when Rihanna tells Brawny to give the other arm to Jassy, she snaps, “I don’t share arms.” Oh, please. There comes a time to just get a damn grip. Although, Jassy does point out that if Rihanna can go to the club, her ankle can’t really be hurt. Ahhhh, true very true.

“One minute her foot hurts and she needs Brawny to carry her,” complains Jassy to Ayiiia and Emilee, who agree that the hurt ankle thing is just another play for attention. Of course, Rihanna sneaks by and hears them, and then informs us that it’s back to the beginning with them, and once again, “they’re secluding me.” Sweetie, can you just stick with the little words when you don’t know what the big ones mean? “I want to go home,” she tells Piglet. “These girls are crazy.” You know, I’m sick of Rihanna. This is just how girls are. Stop acting like you’re so above it.

PS that thing goes on your forehead, not in the center of your eyebrows. Now I’m offended for Indian women too. Who knew this show would be so though provoking on the subject of race?

But I’ve underestimated Jassy. She takes the initiative, and brings Rihanna out to the balcony for a chat. Rihanna tells Jassy that she doesn’t know what she did wrong but she’s sorry, all in her very best victimized voice. And Jassy lays it down! She tells Rihanna that she thinks she’s smart, pretty, mature, whatever, but it’s obvious that she always needs guys’ attention and that rubs girls the wrong way. Well, that was kind of a good way to put it. Rihanna says she’s going to think about it, but the next morning, she’s rolling around on the floor, wrestling with all three boys in tiny little pajamas.

Still thinking!

Meanwhile, Emilee is on the balcony with Jassy talking about how she’s sad that they’re not all going to end up friends. By the way, if I were her, I would have kicked Brawny’s ass out of my living room by now. But I guess Hitler and Mussolini can be tolerated, if they allow you to hang in their pimped out house that you’ve already been kicked out of. But then Emilee starts carrying on about how she wishes The Herp hadn’t been kicked out. And then Rihanna and the boys start talking about how much they loved Herp’s…nipples?

And then we see a shadowy figure walking toward the elevator. And then we see it closer up…and please don’t let it be…but it is. The infected scab is, ugh, gag, vomit, BACK. I can’t believe it.

But at least it’s only for one episode, cause believe it or not…this is the end! The fiesta’s almost over and the public health scare has just begun…see you sooner than you think for the Real World Finale!