Preview: Real World Sydney

G’day mates! Seems like MTV was barely done torturing us with the televised lobotomy disguised as The Real World Denver (Colorado!) when it’s time to head off to Sydney for a new season.

In honor of the Real World‘s return, I got drunk. Then I had sex with my neighbor in 321. Then I passed out in a hallway. When I woke up, I got mad at my other neighbor in 330 because she found out about me and 321 and told the guy in 317. But the guy in 317 didn’t care what 330 had to say because she’s ignorant and disrespectful and she has a lot to learn. Then 330 cried and she said she wanted to move out. But then me, her and 317, went out, got drunk, partied like rock stars to some pop/rock/indie tunes and she decided to stay. When we got home, I ran into the neighbor in 321 and started a drunken fight with him. Then the cops took me to jail for the night.

The next day I complained to building management, because I felt it was unfair that all the action had been captured by building security cameras. Just because they had footage of me passed out half-clothed in a hallway and being dragged off drunk and screaming by the cops doesn’t mean I’m a crazy, slutty lush. That crafty security camera was just trying to make a character of me.

Sooooo….assuming we already know the general story of what happens when seven strangers live together in Ikea, let’s skip that part and meet the roomies, courtesy of a partially watched casting special and mtv.com:

Our first contestant is Cohutta. At first glance, I assumed he would be the tool in the straw cowboy hat that he thinks shows personal style. But it turns out, Cowhutta is from Blue Ridge, Georgia, making the straw cowboy hat a legitimate, cultural accessory. In the casting special, we meet Cowhutta’s family. The Mounties stare confusedly at the camera against a dark background. It’s Little House on the Prairie meets Twilight Zone. Cowhutta seems like a sweet and naïve country boy, and I predict that act will get him lots of girls. The website says he has country wisdom. I, for one, can not wait to deconstruct some backwoods philosophy.

The next guy is Dunbar, a typical frat boy overachiever. The website says his family lost everything in a money laundering scandal, so if he knows how to work it, he’ll definitely be shipping his ass back to the US for some courtroom drama and jailhouse visits. If not, he’ll just be the cute captain of the house who the chicks fight over while he has endless phone conversations with his girlfriend back home (who’s happy Dunbar is getting to have this experience, but thinks he should get on the next plane back to Mississippi if he really loves her).

Ahhhh….next we have Isaac. We can tell Isaac is a snazzy dresser from his photo on the website, an ensemble of blue zip up warm-up jacket accessorized by white rimmed ski goggle type glasses – with clear lenses. We can tell he is intense by the way his arms are crossed and the pissed off look he gives the camera. We can tell he is a badass….well, because that’s what he tells us in his casting interview. Isaac became a druggie and a criminal early on in life, but now is allegedly reformed. I look at him and think, ice, ice, baby. Too cold.

Now onto the ladies. First up is Kelly Anne, who’s the most fun and adorable party girl ever! She admits that she’s a tease, but whatever, it just makes her even cuter! I look forward to many drunken table dances, unrequited crushes and insecure crying fits from you, little kangaroo. But overall, boring. Moving on.

Parisa is the smart and sophisticated New York Muslim. She is a tortured singer-songwriter. From the casting show, it looks like she starts fights with a lot of people, including silly Kelly Anne. It also looks like she has some kind of flirty hook-up with one of the guys (Dunbar, I think), but then he blows her off. Colie from Denver, who is on the panel of the casting special, sagely tells us that Parisa’s unreturned feelings for the guy will cause a lot of tension. Hey, how would she know?

Then there are the blondes. First up is Shauvon, who the website describes as a ‘buxom bombshell”, and I describe as “tranny in a cheap satin bra”.

Shauvon is a sex columnist for her school newspaper in Sacramento. I am amused that the sex and the city columnist thing has trickled down to school newspapers in small town state schools, but I suppose everything becomes hack at some point or another (except reality-show recaps, which will always be relevant and cool). Shauvon tells us it’s fun to flirt with Isaac, and she wants to kiss him, but she has no feelings for him. Which means she’ll be crying over him by the third episode. We’ll see.

And last, we have Trisha. Trisha is cute in a trashy way. She tells it like it is. She loves to party. She starts fights. She’s loud. She’s a Christian, but she’s no virgin. She’s only 19, so she’s been raised on the Real World. That means she knows how to dominate camera time in the house, so I’ll stop talking about her now. I predict a lot of Trasha performances in our future.

And that’s the Real World Sydney house! I think there’s potential for scandal and drama, and I think that after trapping us on that stupid mountain in Denver for eighty million episodes, MTV really owes us that. See you on move-in day, mates!