In case you’re a little worried that you missed a super awesome, totally exciting, skull-crushing, mom-dying episode of The Real World this week, fear not. You didn’t. Ranking as one of the duller installments of this quickly fading season, Tuesday’s show featured more wishy-washy flirtations with Johanna and Leo, a couple whose first move from B-story to A-story was about as successful as the X-Files leap to the big screen. There’s a reason why certain happenings in the Real World house are mitigated to the sidelines (cotton candy ice cream, anyone?), but apparently it was time for Johanna and Leo, also known as Joleo (or Lehanna) to spread their wings and carry the bulk of the story. It wasn’t a total wash though. There was a decent character arc for Joey, and hey, it beats watching Danny and Melinda grapple with their tired issues (don’t worry, they come back next week). Plus, Wes threw a chair in the pool. Actually, this episode was turning out to be pretty sweet…The big show kicked off at the Real World house — also known to the public as The Dizzy Rooster. Yes, these kids spend so much time at this stupid bar, I’ve become convinced that they might just have bunk beds in the back. I’m fairly surprised Bunim/Murray didn’t outfit the place with hidden cameras and funky pool noodles. Nevertheless, Johanna told us that she likes Leo now because she realizes that she’d put up a big emotional barrier. But that wall came down last week when L-Dawg picked Jo Jo up from the slammah. Aww. We all know how that goes. Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Girl robs a homeless person. Boy gets girl out of jail. It’s a classic romance. I’m pretty sure Rob Reiner’s already optioned the rights.
Unfortunately for Johanna, there was a small problem. A small, blonde problem to be specific. Turns out Leo had another girl in his life, and her name was Courtney. What’s up with these guys at the Dizzy Rooster? First Rachel falls for a bouncer who’s got a secret girl on the side, and now Leo suddenly has a sweet piece of ass waiting for him too. Next thing you know, Lacey’s gonna try to hook up with the Dizzy Rooster’s short order cook, only to find he has a harem of mistresses in his van. Of course, when Rob Reiner makes this movie, Courtney’s only going to be Leo’s sister, and it will all be just one big misunderstanding, and Bruno Kirby will walk in and say, “Wait, you didn’t know?” and then Meg Ryan will try to make things better, but by then Billy Crystal will be mad, and then Carrie Fisher will be like “But you love her, Leo!” and then they’ll meet in Central Park, and some old 1940s Louie Armstrong song will play and they’ll have some cute banter like “You know, you really piss me off, Jo,” and Meg Ryan will smile and say, “That’s because you’re a real dizzy rooster, Leo,” and then they’ll kiss. The End. Opening weekend box office: $1.3 million.
Anyhoo, as Johanna left the bar, she did seem to have a surprisingly reasonable reaction to everything: “I brought this upon myself. I know it.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not talk crazy here. You do remember that you’re a reality star, right? You’re not supposed to have “mature” perspectives. Nothing is your fault when you’re on The Real World. Don’t you realize that? If I see you taking responsibility for something again, I’m going to start a letter writing campaign to keep you off any new Inferno challenges.
And yet, despite my admonitions, Johanna kept up with this “responsibility” kick. Regarding how she pushed Leo away into the arms of Courtney, Johanna said, “I’m ready to deal with it.” For the record, Johanna’s version of “dealing with it” tends to involve an entire box of Franzia, five shots of Jagermeister, a tallboy of PBR, some vanilla extract, and a quick mouthful of Listerine.
Things might have been bad for Johanna, but they were worse for Wes. You see, he just couldn’t sit by and watch Joey play games with Leo. That man did not deserve to have his heart toyed about, explained Wes. So let’s see. In Wes World, it’s not cool for Johanna to be indecisive with Leo, but it’s more than acceptable for Danny to toy with Melinda’s heart by going out and getting other girls’ numbers. Seems kind of odd. After all, Johanna’s actions stem from deep insecurities and a fear of emotional vulnerability whereas Danny’s actions stem from wanting to stroke his ego and an undying need for attention. Clearly Johanna is in the wrong.
Anyway, the next night, it was back to The Dizzy Rooster (sigh) for more drama. “When I drink, and we’re at the bar, I try to keep my distance from Leo,” Jo-Jo explained; although, her plan went somewhat awry considering we saw her chatting it up with Leo in the VERY NEXT SHOT. There’s the self-delusion we know and love! Welcome back, Johanna.
Well, Joey wanted to keep her distance from Leo so badly that she grabbed him by the hand and literally dragged him onto the dance floor. Seriously, the dude even fell down, and she still dragged him on. Did we mention that Leo’s sort of a pussy? Later, the two maybe-lovebirds had some excellent banter:
Johanna: Courtney might be coming. I don’t want to ruin your game.
Leo: I don’t have a game.
Johanna: Oh come on. We all have games.
Leo: Oh, we all do? Well, uh, I guess we do.
Nice badinage Leo! You really stuck it to her in the end there. Nevertheless, the two nuzzled noses and were about to kiss when (insert record screeching to a halt) Wes totally cockblocked to say they had curfew in five minutes. Poor form, douchebag. I mean, this was the utter definition of cockblock.
Conversation Tivo: what is this curfew Wes spoke of? Did the powers that be at BMP force the kiddos back to the house at a certain time? A fog of curiosity has descended upon TVgasm.
Anyway, back to Leo and Johanna. “Leo really, really, really likes Johanna,” Rachel told us, adding, “Almost as much as I like ice cream in the mail and making numerous iMovies.” Sure enough, back at the house, Leo and Johanna found a big comfy chair to curl up and make out in. And because no scandal goes unnoticed by the house’s resident Liz Smith, Lacey watched remotely from the phone room where she could spy through the house TV monitor. “I always flip the channels on our TV to watch the rooms while various people are there,” she explained. This girl is the most intrepid Real World gossip collector of all time.
Meanwhile, as Jo and Leo hooked up and Lacey watched voyeuristically on TV, poor Wes was left all alone with neither a friend nor a fat groupie in sight. Alas, he was the only living boy in Austin that night. Whither Wren? Whither Megan? Whither your right hand?
And just in case the plight of Wes didn’t call for enough indie/emo music, we then cut to commercial where we saw Death Cab for Cutie on “the drop.” Thanks Seth Cohen! Adam Brody LOVED Tuesday’s 10 Spot!
Coming back from the break, Johanna was embarrassed because clearly someone had been watching her on the TV the night before. Oh, and guess who else was watching? All of America! Nevertheless, this didn’t stop our Spicy Latina from going all Peruvian on Leo’s ass as she made out with him more at the Dizzy Rooster again that night. She claimed she liked his wild side; although, from what we could see, Leo’s wild side seemed to be nothing more than giving a marginally less fey smile than usual and shrugging. As for Wes, he was still jealous and alone. Kind of odd. You’d think someone with such self-professed good looks would be pulling in the girls left and right.
Nevertheless, Wes wasn’t going to take this sitting down. We then saw footage of him at home throwing plastic water bottles, then papers, then pencils, and then other Katamari Damacy-ish objects. He had so many lightweight trinkets to toss, the producers actually sped up his spree with a fast-motion effect. Man, I know how he felt. There are some times when I get so mad, all I want to do is throw a penny or a stamp booklet. Oh, but then he moved onto the big stuff. Wes actually picked up a plastic chair and threw it into the pool! Uh oh spaghetti-o! Luckily, pool cam caught all the action from under the water. For the record, I didn’t even know there was a pool cam. It’s sort of sad that it’s big premiere moment happened with this inauspicious event (as opposed to a more welcomed pool humping). Also for the record, the description for this week’s episode on Tivo included the sentence, “Wes trashes the house.” And I have to say, I’ve seen a lot of house trashing, but this, with its scattered bottle caps and chair in the pool, was beyond anything I’d ever seen before in my life. Rockstars in hotel rooms have got nothing on Wes.
When everyone came home from a fun night out in Austin, mild shock resonated through the house. After all, their domicile was now mildly more messy than it had been before. Oh, and here’s something I bet you didn’t know. When Wes was on his “rampage,” he pulled Melinda’s sheets off her bed. Now THAT is out of control! Her retaliation? She pulled HIS sheets off and threw them in the pool with the plastic chair. Well, surely no good deed goes unpunished. Wes then chased Melinda around with a pool noodle, surely upsetting Lacey, who we all remember is the High Priestess of the Pool Noodle Kingdom:
Later, Leo came to the house and brought a box of treats with him. What could it be? Donuts perhaps? Nope. Just a bunch of bratwursts. You see, according to Lacey, every time Johanna gets drunk, she “stops at the bratwurst stand and sits at the curb and shove it down her throat.” Fellatio/curbside ‘ho jokes unnecessary.
Johanna just loves sausage.
Well, Leo and Jo Jo cuddled on the couch with a cup of water and a brat. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: Leo’s really gotta tame that wild side. To be fair, things did get a bit randy between the two. She spilled water on him. He then spit water back at her. She spilled more water on him, and Wes came running out of nowhere with a pool noodle. Okay, that last thing didn’t happen, but after this “wild” exchange, the two slipped into bed together, and even though she said she didn’t want to be their audience, Lacey stayed in the room as the Joleo consummated their relationship. If you’re like me, you half-expected the credits to flash on screen, but then suddenly the realization hit that there were still a good ten minutes left to watch. Great.
So the next day, things became all weird with Johanna and Leo. You see, she wanted to get a pedicure, and he wanted to… sit in her bed. Despite Johanna continually saying, “Okay, I have to go,” Leo made no effort to do a patented, “Yeah, I should probably go too,” and so finally she simply gave him an awkward goodbye (no hug) and went off with Melinda. Things went from bad to worse as later that day, Johanna claimed to have called Leo many times, but alas, he never called back. Cue the angry Enon guitars! Something’s rotten in the state of Texas!
WELL. Johanna marched right down to the Dizzy Rooster, and remember that “maturity” thing I was talking about earlier? Yeah, well, that was gone. Instead of asking Leo what the deal was, she decided to dance on the bar top to attract his attention but then intentionally ignore him. Yeah, I’m sure he really appreciated that. With the passive-aggression reaching new heights, Leo finally confronted his emotionally wounded lass. “Are you doing ok? Because you’re sassy!” Leo then did three air snaps, made a sizzle noise, and yelled, “And I’m FAB!”
Actually, he didn’t say that, but when Johanna accused him of not returning her calls, he simply replied that he’d be working at South By Southwest all week and would be very, very busy. Ouch. Looks like Courtney won this battle. By the way, South By Southwest is coming up? Whatever happened to that documentary? Shouldn’t the kids be prepping? Or has Nehemiah been hogging the camera to make another star-wipe montage?
Nevertheless, as the episode wrapped up, Johanna left the bar with tears in her eyes, forever swearing off boys and their evil ways. Even though much of this drama was the result of her stupid games and whatnot, I did feel sort of bad for her. But I knew she’d be A-OK because from now on, she was going to follow her intuition. “I just need to go back to being good old me,” she said. In that case, we’ll have the paramedics ready to pump your stomach in about five minutes.
And let’s not forget about Wes. The opportunistic flannel fan jumped at the chance to console Johanna, and as the credits came up, we knew these two would be besties forever. At least until they start hooking up again and the requisite drama pulls them apart.
What did you think about the episode?