Think You’ve Seen Crazy? Well, KISS MY ASS!

There’s been so much activity on TV this week, I nearly forgot about our old friend, Real World: Key West. That’s not to say that this episode wasn’t notable. Quite the opposite! It was Paula-tastic! Is it wrong that I derive so much pleasure from her near weekly breakdowns? I know it’s cruel, and I know she has some deep, dark demons literally eating away at her, buuuut… she’s hilarious. Totally, truly insane. I really do hope she gets some help, and with that being said, let’s enjoy another go around with Paula Walnuts and latest downward spiral of shame. Oh, and if you object to this, let me quote Paula and say “Kiss MY ASS!!!”This week’s episode began on a light note. Or rather, a tan note. Johnny Bananas volunteered himself to be the house’s Mystic Tan guinea pig. I didn’t know why he was acting like this was some big deal. It’s not like he was being launched into orbit with the world’s first ever popsicle stick space ship. Mystic Tan is a tried and true process. Just ask Charlize Theron.

Anyway, before John subjected himself to the dyes and pigments that would soon turn him a lovely shade of pumpkin orange, tanning salon overlord Ricky insisted that he watch an instructional video first. The guys popped in a tape or DVD or whatever (sorry, I wasn’t paying close attention to the media storage) and immediately, a happy instructor said, “Welcome to Mystic Tan.” I was highly amused by this presentation, only because it reminded me of those dumb videos amusement parks show before a roller coaster. And I think if there’s anything we can agree on, it’s that getting a Mystic Tan is an adrenaline-pumping experience. You know, I’ve never actually gotten a Mystic Tan before. I’ll have to put that on the list of stupid TVgasm things to do (right behind eating the P’Eatzza).

Well, after learning about all the various complexities and nuances of the Mystic Tan experience, John finally stepped into the booth and took one step closer to being the Long Island dude we knew he could always be. Just add two gallons of mousse and a hefty smattering of cologne, and he’d be ready for Syosset! That is, assuming he actually survived inhaling all those Mystic Tan chemicals. Turns out that in John’s excitement, he forgot to close his mouth, which meant all that nasty-ass junk went right into his mouth. I’m sure he’ll be fine; although, he’s probably going to feel like he just huffed White-Out for the next eight hours.

We then were treated to some blurred-out nudity, thanks to John, and later, he showed off his butternut-squash hues to his roommies, going so far as to bare his ass. Janelle was not happy to see that, but then again, I’ve yet to see much she is happy about. Anyway, the gang then went out that night to hit the bars and promote the tanning salon, which, by the way, was opening the next day. That really snuck up on us. Zach babbled on to us about how their market was perfect for the salon, and I couldn’t help but disagree. All those cloudy, dreary days in Key West will surely have the locals scrambling to the tanning booths en masse!

Anyway, the kids all showed up at the salon for work, and, um, wasn’t there supposed to be a big opening day extravaganza? Something about a marching band coming by? Well, if it was excitement you wanted, it was excitement you got. For the big day, Zach put out a cardboard sign on which someone had written, “We’re Open.” And that was it. Wow! I think he’s got a future in event planning! Move over Colin Cowie. There’s a new star in town!

Well, despite the intense allure of a cardboard sign propped up outside, no one really came into the shop. I couldn’t understand why not. I mean, Zach said it was the perfect market. Could it be that he was wrong? Nevertheless, John had spent so much time promoting at the bar last night that he was dead tired. He could hardly stay awake. So he did what any reasonable employee would do on the first day of being in business: he took a nap in the closet. To be fair, it wasn’t that big of a deal. The foot traffic was beyond slow, but that didn’t stop Paula from harboring quiet resentments. She was super pissed about the situation — almost unreasonably so. “I think something’s wrong with John for thinking that’s okay, and b) something’s wrong with Zach for letting that be okay, and c) something’s wrong with everybody else for thinking it’s funny because it’s not funny!” Paula complained to us. Maybe she’d be more accepting if John beat her before taking his nap. Oh, that was mean! Sorry Keith!

While Paula stewed in her anger (and by “stewed,” I mean “suppressed in a dark place until it could come out at a later, drunker time”), the tanning salon received great news: its first customer was en route! Yay! Someone in Key West finally wants to be on MTV! I never thought it would take so long for the fame-seekers to arrive (meanwhile, if I were down there, I’d totally be there the moment the doors opened). Soon, all sorts of locals were popping in. It wasn’t what I’d call a deluge of customers (a trickle would be overstating it), but nevertheless, there was activity. “Seeing money go into a machine and gaining all the fruits of our labor is a really exciting time for all of us,” Zach said. Yes, nothing more exciting than seeing money go into a machine. You should see Zach around a vending machine. Every time he inserts a dollar, it’s like he’s going skydiving.

By the end of the day, Zach announced to Ricky on the phone that the salon had raked in a whopping $752. Wow. Does anyone else have dollar signs in their eyes? Given that each tan costs roughly $40, that meant that about eighteen people stopped by. Pretty impressive, guys! Looks like we’ve got the start of a multi-million dollar enterprise!

Zach then revealed that the gang would be going out to celebrate that night, and before hanging up on Sir Ricky, he added, “We miss ya and wish you safe travels.” Hey — why so lovey-dovey with Ricky? Is he like the universal house boyfriend? Nevertheless, Ricky was a lucky man because had he gone out to celebrate with the gang, he would have been in for quite the adventure. The sort of adventure that only a drunken, anorexic girl with massive insecurities could bring on. Yes, with the music turning mischievous, we knew something was about to go down (the promos on MTV also clued us in). Sure enough, we found Paula drinking a beer — always a bad sign. Next thing we knew, she was running through the streets, her voice lilting higher and higher into that “bad little girl” range that we love so much.

The gang then all climbed into the SUV to go home, and at first, all seemed well. “I’m sitting next to you Ty-Ty,” Paula squeaked as she stepped in the vehicle. She seemed happy enough, but then again, that means nothing when it comes to Paula Walnuts. She could see a housefly and suddenly her mood would rapidly turn belligerent. I could just imagine it: “You think you’re special, fly? Just because you can fly all around? Well, kiss my ASS!!!”

Anyway, Tyler soon came on the screen and commented, “Paula’s drunk again. I sit back and fasten my seatbelt because I know it’s gonna be a great ride.” That, my friends, was essentially the equivalent of the roller coaster clanking its way to the top of the incline. As soon as Tyler stopped talking, we suddenly inched by the crest, and before we knew it, we were dropping 215 feet at 85 mph. Hold on tight!

“Um, Johnny, he has a size six shoe,” Paula drunkenly slurred, again returning to her favorite fixation: John’s penis size. She harped on it over and over again — like usual — but John resolved to rise above the fray. Not say anything. But Paula continued.

“Anyone who goes to work and sleeps? Kiss my goddamn ass!” she yelled. I didn’t know why she decided to attack John about this right now, but you can never underestimate the power of a crazy girl and alcohol. John tried to completely force her out of his mind by sticking his head out the window, but sadly, this genius strategy failed. I personally was hoping some random thing would splatter on his face — like a moth or a bird or a pie — but it never happened. You gotta admit, it would have been the perfect time for a pie in the face.

Nevertheless, Paula’s rant was not over. “I wear children’s shoes. My name is Johnny Bananas. I have a small weiner. My dick is the size of a walnut,” she said (I think. Some of the beeps were hard to decipher). Knowing that when John’s pushed to the edge he can release a torrent of hurtful comments, you’d think the roommates would tell Paula to settle down and be quiet. But instead they all sort of laughed, afraid that if they stood up to Paula, she’d refocus her anger on them. Sure enough, John could only take so much bullying. He snapped and called Paula “Mosquito bites” (in reference to her not-so-buxom bosom) and then mocked, “I’m sick. My waist is six inches around, and I pick my scabs because they don’t heal, dude,” he said. Uh oh. This was gonna get messy. Was it bad that I was laughing? Yes, I’ve decided it was bad. But still, it was pretty damn funny — in an awful, politically incorrect way.

Anyway, now that he’d certainly gotten everyone’s attention, John continued, “‘I’m fuckin’ twenty-four, but I have a three-year-old fuckin’ scab because I won’t let it heal.’ Continue, dude! ‘I haven’t eaten for a fuckin’ week.’ Continue Paula! Fuck!”

And then awkward silence.

I mean awkward silence.

Everyone in the car just shut up and stared forward, hoping that they’d be able to just disappear. Meanwhile, a solitary tear appeared in Paula’s eye as she too sat stunned and silently. The word “uncomfortable” doesn’t do justice to this moment. It was painful. As we listened to the monotonous sound of the car driving on the highway, we headed to commercial, thankfully giving us a reason to stop cringing. You know, Paula’s therapist should be psyched. John just single-handedly necessitated about five more sessions.

After the break, we returned to the SUV, which was now pulling into the driveway. John stepped out of the car to open the gate, and as he left, Paula returned from her state of shock to taunt him about his penis size even more. Finally, Zach decided to step up (too little too late, as usual) and say “Paula. Paula, you’re not helping yourself.” Hey, how about you tell her that BEFORE she escalates the situation out of control.

Well, Paula was not happy with Zach’s reprimand, and soon she was employing a little of the old KMGA: Kiss My Goddamn Ass! “Oh, kiss my goddamn ass because everyone kisses HIS ass!” she yell-sobbed. She then made sure everyone felt her drunken wrath by pointing at her roommates and saying, “Everyone can kiss my ass! You! You! You! You!” When Svetlana objected, Paula quickly retracted her “You!” and sweetly said, “Well, not you!” In short: it was absolutely hilarious.

Suddenly, Jose spoke up — yeah, I know. Crazy, right? “What did I do to you, Pasha?” he asked. I didn’t know why he called Paula “Pasha,” but I’ll assume it was a nickname, not some ode to the government classes of the Ottoman Empire. Anyway, as Jose began to speak up, Zach gave him a super annoying “Shhhhh,” which caused our once silent wallflower to complain, “You know, I always get ‘Be quiet, Jose!’” Well, Jose, to be fair, you are quite loud and unruly. Every episode, it’s like “Why won’t Jose EVER shut up???”

Anyway, Jose be damned. This was Paula’s moment to shine. She once again railed against John, saying, “He’s acting like a raging lunatic!” (and yes, my Hypocrisy Gauge was going absolutely nuts) “It’s not fuckin’ okay!!” Paula yelled, breaking off into her patented move: the ol’ hyperventilation gasp. Amusingly, the roommates didn’t even seem to notice or care. They just let her pant and gasp for air while they now bickered amongst themselves. I don’t know what Zach said, but Jose suddenly barked, “Because I’m tired, Zach!” Well, Paula in her drunken state thought this conversation still had to do with her, and so she screamed, “Okay! So fucking get tired with ZACH! Don’t get fucking tired with me!!!” Literally, she didn’t even know what she was talking about anymore. She was just repeating words with an angry tone. If Jose had said, “I was thinking about gummy bears the other day,” Paula would have ranted, “FINE!! Then don’t think about gummy bears with me!! Think about them with ZACH!!!”

Behold the underarms of crazy!

Jose then addressed us in an interview and stated, “I have to say what I feel and stop being in the background and blending in all the time.” I’m sorry, what was that? I wasn’t listening. Was someone talking? I didn’t see anyone on the TV. Oh, it’s Jose. Never mind.

Back to Paula, she harped again on John, saying he “just diverts his fuckin’ idiocracy on the world on other people.” And no, “idiocracy” is fittingly not a word. Nevertheless, Paula continued: “He’s an idiot! [note that John was not the one who came up with 'idiocracy'] Anybody that goes to work and sleeps — kiss my ass!” We then cut to Tyler absolutely cracking up. I’m glad to see he was with us on this. Finally, he gained his composure and told Paula that she should really talk to Zach about this issue (Zach had since left the car, perhaps to tend to his billowing Jew-fro). Paula definitely needed to have a conversation with Zach about John’s office behavior… but not when she was piss-drunk. We all knew the reason why Tyler suggested this was because he just wanted to see more fireworks. Can’t blame him. It was too good a show to let end.

And so everyone walked into the house where Paula yelled, “ZACH!” Haha. Bring on the next victim! She found her roomie upstairs and said, “Apparently, I need to yell at you.” And so began an awkward conversation which featured Paula drunkenly slurring in Zach’s right ear and Jose whispering things in his left ear. Eventually, they all decided that Paula was right to be upset, but then the conversation turned towards the events of that evening. Zach told Paula that she had drawn John into a fight, but she refused to believe it. She then began yelling at Zach — KISS MY GODDAMN ASS, of course — and then accused everyone in the house of being an asshole. Paula then took a seat atop the staircase and sulked. Downstairs, Janelle walked by and looked up at Paula, but sistah wasn’t about to come consoling. She just merely glared with eyes that seemed to say, “I ain’t helping this nutty-ass bitch out.” Finally, Paula took off her shoes and threw them down to the living room below. Yeah, take that, SHOES! You can kiss Paula’s ass too!!

Well, all storms must come to an end, and eventually, the morning arrived, which meant we were back to boring old Day Paula. We found her talking on the phone with Boyfriend of the Year, Keith, and of course, Paula conveniently couldn’t remember anything. “You know what would probably be the best decision I could ever make?” she asked, “To stop drinking.” Uh YEAH. Obviously statement of the week.

Keith didn’t seem totally happy with this decision, but he did offer up a suggestion for how she could spend her sober time. She could stay in and do some “serious yoga.” Yes, I’m sure that will be really fun to do every night when all the roomies go out. Cut to Paula alone and screaming, “KISS MY GODDAMN ASS, DOWN FACING DOG!!”

Meanwhile, at the salon, a non-napping John said that he didn’t want to talk to Paula that morning. When she drinks, he noted, he doesn’t want to be around her at all. $50 for anyone who actually would like to be near her when she’s drunk. Tyler then piped up and said that Paula’s biggest problem was that she didn’t get her emotions out through running or a journal. OF COURSE! That’s it! So all you anorexic girls out there, the way to deal with your emotions and deep, personal issues is to RUN SOME MORE.

Back at the house, Paula asked her roomies if she had actually started the fight. Svetlana and Jose sort of hemmed and hawed, not wanting to be too cruel and not wanting to get in the middle of it. Leave it to Janelle to lay the smack down. She just out and out stated that Paula started it, and happily filled her in on just how the entire confrontation began. You know that she absolutely relished doing this. You know, we can smell Janelle’s inner bitch, but I’m still shocked it has yet to truly surface this season (apparently we’re gonna get some of it next week. Cannot wait).

“Oh HELL to the no!”

Well, Paula realized that all this drama was her doing, and so with tail between her legs, she approached John. He told her that he simply was not going to be around her when she drank, and he also added that she should stop drinking so much. Oh, and that whole anorexic thing — could you stop doing that too? Thanks! Paula definitely felt bad, and she reminded John that she was trying to improve, even if she was going at a snail’s pace. I think “continental drift” would be a more appropriate speed…

We then saw Paula going off to therapy, but darnit! We didn’t get to see the session like last time. I guess that whole “privacy” thing kicks in after the first visit. I actually really wanted to see her therapy session just because I think it would be fascinating to see her healing process, but alas, I understood the situation. Certain areas are off-limits, even for reality TV (unless you’re a self-absorbed, attention-seeking dolt like Danny Bonnaduce or Jonathan Antin).

Afterwards, Paula filled Tyler (and us) in on this week’s session. She explained how she told the psychologist about her showdown with John and how she gets drunk and blacks out all the time, etc. And the shrink’s response? “So… do you like looking like a fool?” Ha! Best therapist ever! I love that he snarked her!

Ultimately, Paula admitted that her behavior was ridiculous. She was essentially becoming everyone’s entertainment. “I should start charging money for these shows,” she said. See? She doesn’t mind exploitation after all!

And that was this week’s show. We then saw scenes for the next episode, and apparently Jose and Janelle are gonna get into some massive fight. Yay! Battle of the wallflowers!

What did you think about this episode?